Original subtitles

(phone rings )

Hello.

Hey, it's Alex. Where are you?

Ooh. were we having brunch today?

I thought we were having brunch on your birthday.

Today is my birthday.

Ooh! I've got to break some really bad news to a friend of mine.

Is there any way we could reschedule your birthday?

'Cause you seem more like a Libra to me anyway.

Okay, Will, why don't youjust tell me now?

You're actually a straight married man

with three kids who has no intention ofdating me again.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

Morning. sweetie. Oh my God. is that bacon?

I love you. I love you. I love you.

Ben. I'm in an awkward position here.

I know. so I'm gonna make this easy for you.

This inappropriate behavior is gonna stop immediately

before someone gets hurt.

Wow. I couldn't agree more.

Good. I'm glad we talked about this.

- Yeah. so you'll stop. - Why would I stop?

I'm not the one representing Jack against our client. Karen Walker.

No. you're the one who's cheating on Grace.

- Is that what we're talking about? - Yeah.

Then why are we still holding hands?

Will. I really don't see where this thing with Grace

is any of your business.

Really? Give me a second.

My boss plus my best friend divided by chippy on the table--

yeah. that comes out to my business.

Check your math. You work for my business.

A business which bills seven figures a year. from Walker. Inc.

So if you're gonna be representing anybody.

you're gonna be representing them.

- No. I'm not. - Yes. you are.

- No. I'm not. - Yes. you are.

No. I'm not!

You know. it's kind of ironic.

35 years of legal experience between us.

and this is the way we argue.

- And yes. you are! - No. no. no!

Forget it. You want to talk about conflict of interest. that's one thing.

but I am not going down that road again

where you pit me against one of my friends.

Will. I hate to reopen an old discussion.

but yes. you are!

So basically. you're taking my two best friends.

screwing over one of them and telling me I have to screw over the other.

It's amazing. all this screwing. you'd think somebody would be happy.

Here's your problem. Will.

You've let your personal life interfere with your business life.

Now. I take some responsibility here.

After all. I am schtupping your best friend.

But you have to set boundaries.

You know what? You're absolutely right.

and I'm about to set a very big boundary. I quit.

- No. you don't. - Oh. yes. I do.

Jack: There's something I need to tell you.

Mommy and Daddy.

well. we've decided to live apart.

Now. this doesn't mean we don't love you.

In fact. it was because of you that we stayed together as long as we did.

But in this crazy. mixed up world.

how long can a marriage between a Salvadoran maid

and a West Village singer-actor-dancer-choreographer last?

( parrot squawks )

It's not your fault. okay? It's not anyone's fault.

But. Iet's face it. Mommy's a whore.

Hey. poodle.

What the hell are you doing here?

Isn't it enough you destroyed me in arbitration today?

You have to come and gloat over your victory?

Oh. Jack. I wouldn't do that.

You know I can't hide anything from you.

You've got nothing. nothing!

( laughs. grunts )

Yeah.

Go ahead. Iaugh.

Laugh at my pain. but I'll be the one who laughs last.

- No. you won't. - No. I won't.

Yeah. but really. is there anything I can do to make you feel better?

You could apologize.

Oh. I don't want to set a precedent.

but. Iisten. I'll tell you what I will do.

On your way out. Security Guard is gonna frisk you

to make sure you didn't take any silverware.

Hateful!

I should haul you back to court for slander!

Karen.

Who let you in?

- Your butler. - Huh. you mean ex-butler.

Speaking of exes. you know what's nice?

Being your ex-lawyer.

Yeah. not having to kiss your ass and pretend you're interesting

is gonna free up a lot of my time. I might even learn a language.

Honey. if you look inside this bag.

I'm giving you a little sign language right now.

- Hey. Jack. - Oh. hey. Will. hi.

I just want to thank you so much for your fine work at arbitration today.

Yeah. it was so nice. Oh. wait a minute.

That wasn't you. That was the opposing counsel.

I'm sorry. I just have a lot on my mind

and my life is in a very weird place right now.

Well. Boo Radley-hoo. Iady.

My freaking world is collapsing.

Then why did you bring a date to your divorce hearing?

"I bored. Yack. Iet's go get a grape juith."

- 'Nando is my rock. - ( sighs )

And when we're at a better place.

I have stuff to tell you. It's like the man does not have hamstrings.

But back to the point.

I am out on the street and it's all your fault!

I'm sorry. children. I don't want you to see Daddy cry.

- ( parrot squawks ) - ( Jack crying )

Jack. I'm sorry.

How can I help? What can I do?

Can two gay men share an apartment

without driving each other crazy?

- ( parrot squawks ) - ( dog barks )

Probably not.

You know. it's not the Four Seasons.

but since life has given me lemons.

I will drink your lemonade.

With crushed ice. please.

Okay. time to lay down a few ground rules.

Ooh, good idea.

First rule. if the pad's rocking. don't come a'knocking.

That's a good rule. but I was thinking more like.

you take your bags and your menagerie. Laura.

and... take them into the back room.

and I won't smother you in your sleep.

Still waiting on that limonada.

Well. while you're waiting.

just make sure that Claus doesn't make a urinada on the floor.

- I gotta go talk to Grace. - Oh. Will. Iook. quick thought.

The back bedroom's kinda small.

How about every six months we switch rooms?

Hey. how about every two months. you and the bird switch heads?

- Hi. Hi. - Hi. Hi.

Is this too sexy for the symphony?

- Uh. probably. - Good.

Be a shame if the only overture I got tonight was from Gustav Mahler.

- Get it? Classical humor. - Yeah. it was very good.

Somewhere. Beverly Sills is chortling into her cleavage.

Look. there was something I was trying to say yesterday.

and I didn't and I think I should say it now.

Sounds important.

It is. so I'm just gonna say it.

I know you like Ben. but he's not the guy you think he is.

Sweetie. he's cheating on you. He's seeing someone else.

- Hi. - Hi.

- You ready to go? - Uh-huh.

You look beautiful.

( kissing )

I'm gonna find a vase and put these in some water.

Ooh. Will.

I am getting a lot of stuff.

If you'd like. Iater. I can sit with you

and teach you some calming pranayama.

- You were saying? - Ben's seeing someone else.

which may not have quite the impact I thought it would a moment ago.

Oh. yeah. you mean that chick with the Macy Gray hair?

So. you're okay with this?

Sure. why wouldn't I be?

Well. because... he's seeing someone else!

And so am l. and so is Josh--

some girl with armpit hair. named--

ugh. what is it again? Hon. what's her name again?

Pond? River?

- Ocean. - Ocean.

God. the guys I'm dating date such losers.

Okay. who are you?

You're dating two guys. and they are seeing other people.

This is not your life. You're not gay or French.

I know. isn't it great? I'm naughty.

I'm dating two guys at the same time. My mother would so not approve.

I can't wait to tell her.

Well. that's-- that's great. I--

I just quit my job over this. but that's great.

- What? - I quit my job!

Oh my God. no! No. you can't!

Hey, we better get going.

My electric car only has 30 minutes left on the charge.

Look. this is just a huge misunderstanding.

I'll talk to Ben and I'll straighten the whole thing out.

Come on. honey. Tick-tock.

Okay. we'll work this out.

You worry about me too much. mister.

So. you sound tall. How tall are ya?

I don't know, six t-- is Will there?

Jack! Alex. I've not forgotten about our date.

I'm running a little bit behind. but I will definitely--

Is that guy living with you?

- Yeah! - No! It's a long story.

You know what? I think I'm done with your long stories.

In fact, l-- I think I'm done with you.

No. no. Alex. come-- don't hang up. Don't t--

Goodbye.

I blew it.

I'm sorry. I know you're hurting. buddy.

Thank God I'm here.

He sounded cute. You think he'd like me?

Uh. that was insensitive. I'm sorry.

You probably need a couple hours to mourn.

Remember. black is slimming.

Okay. we plugged the car into a Chinese restaurant

so I can give you five more minutes.

Are you okay?

I don't know. Let's ask the Lifestyle section. huh?

Love life. gone. Job got in the way.

Job. gone. Friend got in the way.

Health. something's in the way. I may have to borrow some of that bran.

And friends...

Okay. okay. I get it.

And I'm so sorry 'cause I know a lot of this is my fault. but--

but trust me. I will make it better.

I don't think so. I-- I don't think you can.

I think this is something I need to fix myself.

What are you talking about?

We don't fix ourselves.

That's not what we do.

I fix you. you fix me.

So. this is what we're gonna do.

Tomorrow. it's all about Krispy Kremes.

blender drinks

and more Krispy Kremes.

So. by the time we're fighting over the last honey glaze.

everything will seem so much better.

No. it won't. I don't think a sugar buzz.

a morning drunk and a stomach ache is gonna do the trick this time.

I need a change. I-- I need something different.

You always say that.

and you're always wrong.

Trust me. I will take care of everything.

( Will sighs )

I got to go. but everything is gonna be okay.

Right?

- Sure. - Sure.

I'll see you later.

( shower running )

Sorry I'm late.

A horrible thing happened on the way from the donut place--

three and half of 'em disappeared.

Make that four.

What are you yammering about?

I wasn't yammering to you. Erykah Ba-don't.

I was yammering to Will.

Well. you're gonna have to yammer a whole lot louder.

Will's gone. Left on a jet plane.

- What? - Yeah. she's exhausted.

Her life. Iike her hair. had become unmanageable.

- Where did he go? - Uh, some island.

I couldn't really make it out. I was in there watching the "Creek."

But-- but he--

no. no.

No. no. he would never leave without telling me.

We didn't do the chicken dance so the plane wouldn't crash.

No. he would never do that. That would be totally unlike him.

Well. maybe that's why he did it.

But he--

oh my God.

And since this is my apartment now. we have a few new ground rules.

Rule number one. if the pad's rocking. don't come a knocking.

And rule number two. the pad will always be rocking.

Okay?

Will's voice: Day one.

What have I done?

I quit my job, I left my home, my friends.

I'm all alone in the middle ofnowhere.

This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever done.

I kick ass. This is fantastic.

And the best part is, no one can reach me, no one can bother me.

- Phone call. Will Truman. - What?

Hello? Ben. how did you--

never mind. I--

No. I am not coming back. I quit. Leave me alone.

Thank you.

Okay, people can reach me.

But still, this feeling ofremoteness is exhilarating.

I'm experiencing for the first time what it means to be completely alone.

And you know what? I think I like it.

- It's rude to hang up on people. - Ahh!

What the hell are you doing here?

I didn't hear Tattoo announce you.

- How did you find me? - I'm me. I can find people.

I hope you like piña coladas. Me. I like getting caught in the rain.

I don't care if you like making love at midnight. I'm not coming back.

Coming back? What makes you think I even want you back.

- You just said so on the phone. - Hear me out.

We have a client who is in a bit of a dicey tax situation. and--

- mm. mm. mm. - What?

It's not for you. It's for me.

He wants to start an offshore company.

- and this is as good a place as any. - Forget it.

Come on. it wouldn't even be like work.

Couple of hours a day. the rest of the time you work on your tan.

write in your journal. meet guys.

There's a place down the road called the Rasta Fairy lnn.

I'm assuming that's for you.

And the whole tab is paid for by me.

Ben. forget it. You're wasting your breath.

And by the way. the Rasta Fairy lnn is not a gay bar.

It's a head shop. I already checked.

Come on. Truman. what's it gonna take?

I know there's something out there I can give you.

- Come on. name it. - No.

- Ask for anything. - No.

- Whatever it takes. - No.

- Piss me off. - Make me partner.

You're pissing me off now. Truman.

Nobody makes partner after six months.

And I want that corner office. the one that Steve has.

Kick him out. He's homophobic and he smells like gin and Hai Karate.

I want my name on the letterhead.

prettier numbers on my paycheck.

and a no dancing policy on my conference table.

Where the hell do you get off asking for all this?

I know you. Ben.

I know you'd never come down here unless you couldn't do this without me.

So. the way I see it. you've got two choices.

You can either give me what I want. or you can take a plane home.

You know. you can be a real jerk when you want to be. Truman.

I knew I liked you. Deal.

Grace: Look at this.

Janet Eisenberg. 33. and David Bromberg. 35. are getting married.

It is the second marriage for both. Can you believe that?

Uh. I really don't follow straight society.

Come on. Jack. it's Sunday morning.

We're supposed to go through the paper.

You comment on what I read. and then I will comment on what you read.

Okay. got a little bit of a problem here.

See. you're trying to make me Will. and I'm trying to make you disappear.

How about we compromise. and you make me scrambled eggs?

Jack. Iook where my foot is.

I could scramble a couple eggs from here.

Oh. Grace. I'm not like the other men in your life.

I will hit you.

Bring it on. Nancy.

You don't scare me. I'll pull your hair.

Do whatever you want.

'cause today I'm handing out lollipops and ass whoppings.

and I'm all out of lollipops.

- I miss Will. - I do too.

I can't believe things were so bad that he had to leave.

I just hope he finds what he's looking for.

Do you think he left because of me?

Yes. I do.

May I help you? - Hello. I'm Will Truman. the attorney.

I have a 10:00 appointment.

The Mister is not feeling well.

We told him goat does not agree with everybody.

- But the Missus is right over there. - Thank you.

Good morning.

Well. well. well. and they say fruit doesn't travel.

If anyone's hungry. I made BLTs.