Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

Look at that, I'm five for five!

- What's that? - It's this test.

The five pillars of happiness.

It's supposed to determine the-- the level

of contentment in your life.

And it comes with a lotion sample,

so you know it's scientific.

I can't believe you would evaluate your life

based on something in the lifestyle section.

Okay, that was obligatory. Bring it on.

Okay, the first pillar is health.

I gave myself a big yes, 'cause I just had my physical.

Everything's where it's supposed to be.

I'm running every day and, ah,

look at those calves.

It's like my knees swallowed a grapefruit.

Your turn.

I think I'm hypoglycemic.

I'm always tired and I can't poop.

I would give that a no.

Okay, pillar number two is family.

That's a big yes. You?

Well, let's see, my mother's idea

of bonding is making me scratch her back.

And for my last birthday, my father gave me gum.

That's another no for Grace.

Moving on, love life.

- Another no for Grace. - Excuse me!

[chuckles] No.

You can mark that yes. Thank you.

Josh and I are doing great.

I mean, it's not perfect,

but we care about each other very much.

Grace?

Hey, what are you doin'?

You left an hour ago to get bagels.

Here. Toast 'em up.

- I'll be back in 15. - Okay, hon.

Uh, your laundry is almost done.

[door shuts]

Well, you get a no on love life too.

Actually, I haven't told you this yet,

but there's this lawyer, Alex.

We've only had one date, but, uh, I'm already seeing

two-point-five Jack Russell Terriers

and his-and-his SUVs in my future.

Yeah, yeah, okay.

- Next. - Okay.

Pillar number four, friendships.

- Okay, now we're talking! - Oh, no, no, no.

Note the S, friendships.

They're talking more than just you and me.

This test sucks.

And the final pillar is work. I love my job.

I work with a lush who insults me.

Okay, final tally is...

Will [happy sitcom music] ♪ Dee-de-de-lee-dee-dee ♪

Grace [sad sitcom music] ♪ Waa-waa-waa ♪

You are not that happy.

I've known you a very long time.

There's always something bugging you.

Come on, think hard.

- What is rotten in your life? - Will: I don't know.

I mean, my life is... okay, actually, there is something.

I don't like how you've stopped having lunch

with me at my office.

Well, you know why that is. I hate the view.

Really? I thought it was because you hated Ben.

That's what I meant, the view of Ben.

Okay, I'll tell you what, we'll have him over,

I'll make dinner, and all you have to make is nice.

Think you can do that?

- I can make nice. - Will: Huh.

I'm always nice.

Sweetie, the bagels are ready.

Call me when they're cream-cheesed.

- Love you. - Uh-huh.

[theme music]

[instrumental music]

Jack: Hey, Kar Bear.

Hey.

Something's bothering me.

Can we talk?

Sure, honey.

Hey, are you wearing makeup?

Nothing really. Just a little man-tan.

- Your eyelashes look good, too. - Thanks.

- I'm wearing individuals. - Ah.

I'm concerned, um...

Does Rosario seem different to you?

Come to think of it,

she sent me to work today with a juice box.

I guess that means, Mason went to school

with a thermos full of Stoli.

She's distant, she's distracted.

She's gettin' a little handsy in her sleep.

Last night, she rolled over and shook hands

with Master Harold and the boys.

And let me tell you, they were not amused.

I know, honey, but listen.

It's been my experience that when problems arise

between husband and wife,

one should never point the finger of blame,

because it's always the husband's fault.

Ah.

I know what it is.

Ah, doilet-toilet.

I forgot our anniversary.

Ahh, how insensitive of me.

This is my wife, my significant otra.

That's good, honey, why don't you just run home

right now and tell her how much she means to you?

I would, but I have a date with Fernando.

Well, then, why don't you just pick up

a little something and bring it to her tonight?

Somethin' she'd love, like, like pork or Tinactin.

No... not that.

It has to be a more meaningful gift.

I don't know, what's the traditional

first-anniversary gift?

Well, let me try to remember.

Uh, for my first anniversary,

I got

a million dollars in cash...

Paper! It's paper.

Paper?

Paper is so blah.

Let me tell you, when the gays can get married,

that's the first thing that goes.

[instrumental music]

So we're at this dim sum restaurant downtown,

and they have this thing called bao whi--

Benjamin: Yes, I know what bao is.

I spent the summer at the Culinary Institute

in Hong Kong.

Personally, I prefer har gow.

Okay, not the point of the story.

Will: Anyway...

So she decides to have some fun with the waiter.

So she says, "What are these white puffy things?"

And he says, "Bao."

So I do.

Okay, but what are they called?

Bao.

Okay, but what are they called?

Bao!

She did it like five or six times.

[both laughing]

It was a very funny story.

I guess the humor was derived from two things.

One, that the two words sounded the same.

Two, that you made fun of someone

who doesn't speak English very well.

Funny people think it's funny.

Really? How would you know?

Okay, you know what, Benjamin?

What do you want me to say, bow wow?

Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright.

Now, don't make me turn this car around

or we're goin' home without ice cream!

[telephone ringing]

Hello.

Hi, Alex.

I was just thinking about you.

Okay, I wasn't.

But I certainly am now.

Let me take this outside.

[laughs]

[snorts]

- It bugs you, doesn't it? - What?

When you're not the center of attention.

It kills you, I can tell.

- You think so? - Mmm.

I know you, Ben.

You're so focused on yourself

and your whole Ben Doucette thing.

But do you ever think about anyone else?

Have you ever stopped

to ask someone else, what's up?

What's up, Grace?

[laughs] Oh, no.

I don't think so, that's not gonna work with me.

We're talking about you.

Alright, fine. What do you want to know?

How about something real?

Something that doesn't involve the words

"Porsche, beach house"

or "what's-her-name."

Mmm.

Okay, something real?

Well, I've been married twice.

First, to the love of my life,

who died ten years ago.

Then, to a woman who reminded me of my first wife

but was, I found out, nothing like her.

I have two beautiful kids, one who's crazy about me

and one who's not.

And somehow, driving my Porsche

to my beach house with what's-her-name

doesn't quite make up for the fact

that the things I really want in my life

are exactly what's missing from it.

Wow.

Is that true?

All but the Porsche part.

I drive a Mercedes now.

S-Class.

Any more questions, Grace?

Um...

How's the lamb? I made it, you know.

It's really good, Grace. It's good.

Date number two is set.

The romance pillar is a little firmer.

Let me rephrase that, um...

Uh-oh. Grace, you didn't tell

the irregular pantyhose story, did you?

[instrumental music]

♪ There was something in the air tonight ♪

♪ The stars were bright

♪ Fernando ♪

What?

[sighs] You know what?

Who needs brains when you can lick your own eyebrows?

[chuckles]

Now, let me just give these to my wife,

and then we'll go make out.

Ahh, okay.

Cha-Cha, what are you doing home?

I thought you had a date with Dennis.

Pssh-k-psch--

Not till 10:00.

Anyway, Rosie, um...

I know you're upset because I forgot our anniversary,

but I'm just hoping that this will make up for it.

Oh, so sweet!

And since paper is the traditional

first-anniversary gift.

Oh, Bounty.

Now I can cross it off my list.

Happy anniversary, Rosebud.

Don't wait up.

Is it safe?

My husband's gone, but I would not say

that it is safe, my little cup

of crema de cacahuates.

Rosie, can I have some cash...

Jennifer Love Hewitt!

What the hell's going on here?

What can I say, chica?

The heart wants what it wants.

But you and Gardener?

We're in love. We want to get married.

Well, I guess it's clear.

I'm the only one in this relationship

who values the sanctity of marriage.

Come on, Fernando!

[instrumental music]

Mr. Zamir?

- Mr. Zamir! - What? What?

- What are you doing? - Nothing.

I was walking, uh, my dog.

- What dog? - Uh, where did he go?

[kissing call sounds]

Doggy, doggy, doggy? Doggy, doggy, doggy?

You were hunched over reading a personal card to Grace.

I would never do something like that, it is wrong.

I'm glad you realize that.

So she slept with a guy named Ben last night.

Let me see that!

Uh, that's a filthy note.

But also tender and gentle in spots.

Grace and Ben?

- Hey. - Will, what are you doing?

I was helping Mr. Zamir look for his dog.

I don't have a dog.

You and Ben?

[groans] Hey.

You're the one who wanted us to make nice.

We did, we made nice.

Twice.

[instrumental music]

You are unbelievable!

You know, you're the second guy to tell me

that in the last 12 hours.

[laughing] Come on.

- Laugh. - Grace, he's my boss.

Obviously, I didn't plan this thing with Ben,

it just happened.

It was just this wild chemical ripping off of a pair

of 50 dollar panties kind of thing.

Thank you, Grace, that'll go next to the visual

of my grandmother getting out of the tub.

Don't make me feel bad about this.

Ben's a great guy.

Besides, you have all five pillars of happiness.

- Let me have this one. - But my boss?

I mean, did you stop for one minute to...

You know what? I'm not gonna do this.

This is your life, your decision.

Enjoy it.

Oh, Will, the passive-aggressive gay man?

- It's been done. - No, no, no, no.

This is relaxed fit gay man.

I'm serious, I'm making a whole

new choice for this conversation.

See Ben.

Honestly, it's fine.

Alright, I'm gonna take you at your word,

because I do want to keep seeing him.

Good, terrific, have fun. Just leave me out of it.

Last thing I need in my life right now

is somebody else's drama.

My wife is cheating on me! My life is ruined!

Will, help me!

Enter the drama queen, exit the neighbor.

Can you believe this?

She wants to divorce me

and marry Gardener.

- I'm out on the street! - That's-- that's shocking.

Is there any way you can tell me about this

without screeching like a howler monkey?

[screeching] You know what? I don't need you!

I have plenty of friends who would be more than happy

to help me through this!

Goodbye!

You don't even pretend to leave anymore, do you?

This is serious, Will.

I am about to lose everything,

and I have a dog and a bird to support.

Jack, it was a sham marriage.

You... What are you gonna do?

Take Karen to court and demand she keep you

in the lifestyle to which you've become accustomed?

No, I'm not talking about...

I don't...

Can I really do that?

[instrumental music]

Mr. Doucette said that you should review

the Blumen file.

- Where is it? - I don't know.

Why don't you ask his assistant?

- You are his assistant. - I just said I didn't know.

Wow, is that your fun side?

I'm just asking, 'cause I wouldn't want to miss it.

[door shuts]

[sighs]

[jazz music]

[telephone ringing]

You should consider yourself lucky.

Why is that?

'Cause I get about 500 dollars an hour

for the work I do at this table.

That's it? I wouldn't get out of bed for $500.

Really? Will you take a check?

[Grace laughing]

Alright, you either said something very romantic

or you called me a prostitute?

- Whatever, sounded good. - Yeah.

- How you doing, Truman? - Hi, Will.

What can I do for you?

Oh, I-- I was just looking for the Blumen file,

but, uh, hey, Mr. Blumen can wait.

One more day in a Turkish prison never hurt anybody.

Okay, okay. I'll get it for you.

It's in my office.

- You wanna cut in? - Uh, no, thank you.

- I'd rather not. - Ben: Aw, come on.

Cut in. This lady's gotta dance.

[laughing]

See you later, sweetheart. You too, Grace!

Oh, please, with the look.

How many times did I have to watch you and Michael

do "Summer Lovin'" from "Grease?"

That wasn't a look, I was just looking at your skirt.

Shouldn't you be on the dashboard of a cab going...

Oh, it's amazing, you know,

when things are working in the relationship department,

all those other pillars just fall into place.

Me and my family are getting along.

- I'm loving my job again. - Yeah, what about your health?

Health's better too, but that's not Ben, that's bran.

[instrumental music]

Hello, Karen. Hello, Grace.

- I am here on business. - Hmm. Great.

Um, put me down for two boxes of the thin mints.

Okay, different business.

Damn, now I want a cookie.

Okay, I'll be back.

This is in regard to the very tragic

and devastating collapse of my marriage to Rosario.

Yeah, well, it's the laughter you'll remember, honey.

Let's go buy makeup.

And... even though one could never put a price

on the pain and suffering this has caused me...

One has.

Jack, I don't read.

I'm read to.

[sighs] Very well.

Item one: $500,000 paid to me by you

over the next four years, preferably in 50s.

Item two: A Shetland pony,

dyed powder blue to match my eyes.

Item three: Powder blue eyes.

Jack: Item four-- - Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Blanche! I'm still on item one.

Five hundred thousand in fifties?

Yeah, I've always been turned on by one Benji Franklin.

He wasn't afraid to wear his hair up

and away from the face.

Franklin's on the 100, you mook.

And where do you get off asking me for 500K?

Do you know how many times I had to...

[panting] "Oh my God. Stan!"

[screams] To get that?

Well, we did have a contract.

I gave you a year of my life,

so Rosario could stay in the country.

I-- I don't think a trust fund and a Corvette

is too much to ask for.

Are you kidding me with this?

I plucked you out of a 4x4 hovel

above a blinking light in Times Square

and put you in a 6x6 maid's quarters on Park Avenue.

And this is the thanks I get?

[gasps]

Hey, you got something out of this too, missy.

Who read "Valley Of The Dolls" to your kids every night?

Who distracted Stan for you on Oyster Tuesdays?

Me. It was me.

Now, I want my 500,000 in 50s, 50s with Ben Franklin on 'em!

You know, you should think

very carefully about what you're asking

for Miss Gurley Brown.

You've got a good thing going here,

and if you think that you can just shamelessly

siphon cash off a loved one like I'm doing with my husband,

you've got another thing comin'!

I want my money.

You ain't getting 88 cents from me, Rose.

Very well, I will see you in court.

By the way, your boobs look great today.

It's a custom-made Jean Claus,

just came in from Paris yesterday.

Now, get outta here!

[instrumental music]

And at that point, the arbitrator will hear

your side and Karen's side

and then he'll render his decision.

But, Jack, you-- you've got to be

more reasonable in your demands.

I, uh, I know it was a little excessive,

but then just get me enough for the essentials, okay?

Like food, clothing and bikini waxes.

Well, that was good. That way we all win.

[telephone rings]

Hello? Alex, hi!

I'm so sorry about last night. I couldn't get out.

Tomorrow brunch?

I will be there. I will absolutely be there.

Will: Okay, bye.

Jack!

He's straight and married.

Yes, so I am.

[jazz music] Oh, good. Grace is here.

I'm gonna go tell her about Alex.

Oh, you gotta go tell your wife

about your boyfriend. [blows raspberry]

- Spooky. - What?

When you said that, you looked just like a woman.

Gracie, good news.

Oh, you're not Gracie.

And this is not good news.