Original subtitles

Okay. What do you think of them?

Oh, I knew you'd hate 'em.

Gosh! It's just a stupid invention.

What made me think that a little pillow

that cups and cushions the ass against the ravages

of subway travel would be a good idea?

I like the name, "The Subway Tush."

And there's the icky face. Okay, I'm leaving.

I-- I knew you were gonna think it's stupid.

I'm so humiliated.

- What is he doing... - Wait for it.

At least have the decency to sit on it.

I think you'll find yourself saying,

"Did my heinie die and go to heaven?"

Ooh.

Oh, my God. This feels really good.

Ooh, my tush is loving the cush of "The Tush."

Yeah, it's squishy. It's comfy.

It's... oddly exciting.

Overall, I'd have to say, it's the butt's meow.

Shut up! Oh, my God. You really like it?

I knew you would!

Now, there's just one teensy little thing.

I need $50,000 for start-up costs.

Fifty thousand? Well, sure, Jack.

Do you want me to write you a check

or shall I pay you in cheese?

I can take a check.

Hey, zippy. I'm not giving you any money.

Selfish!

[instrumental music on TV]

You believe that guy soakin' me for 50 large?

Forget about it.

Okay, first of all,

you've just officially been cut off from "The Sopranos."

And second, how could you just dismiss him like that?

- What are you talking about? - Look, it is hard for him.

I work all day. You work all day.

He comes home at 3 o'clock to an empty house.

I worry about him.

Well, sooner or later the boy has gotta learn

that life's not easy!

Oh, I guess you're right.

Our little girl is growing up.

[theme music]

Grace: So, once again,

I just wanna say thank you.

Oh, honey, quit thanking me.

You sound just like Stan after...

Just after.

No, no, really, really.

I never would've gotten

a meeting with Robert Lilienfield

if you hadn't made the call.

Come on, Grace. You could've gotten it on your own.

[laughing] You get it? No way.

Oh, drink your lunch.

[whispers] Oh, my God!

- Look who it is. - Honey, I don't look.

I'm looked at.

- Who is it? - It's Helena Barnes.

She-- she's like, like the-- the best

interior designer working today!

Look at her! Look at her!

No! No! Don't look. She'll see you looking.

Okay! She's looking away. Go, look. Look, look, look.

Oh, good Lord, love a duck!

Hey, Hel. Put the caboose in motion.

Somebody wants to meet you. Come on!

Oh, my God.

Hi. I am Grace Adler. And it is such an honor--

Karen, darling, I was convinced that nasty smell

was coming from the kitchen.

No, honey, I think you just caught a whiff

of your own liver rotting.

- Muah! Muah! - Muah! Muah!

Listen, I want you to meet Grace Adler.

She, um, she thinks you're really something special,

but then again she's never seen you face down

in a pool of your own sick.

She hasn't. [chuckles]

- Grace, enchanted to meet you. - Oh, hi.

The honor, the honor is mine.

I mean, I-- I would curtsey if it weren't weird.

[chuckles] Oh, my God, I'm like one of those losers

when they meet William Shatner at a Trekkie convention.

- Oh, you are adorable! - Grace: Thank you! Oh!

Hi! Who is this?

- This is Paxil. - Oh.

And she asks that you don't touch her.

Oh, well, whatever little Paxil-Waxil wants...

Nor speak to her.

You know, Hel, Grace is a designer.

Helena: Oh.

She's great. She's better than you.

I'm sure she is.

Well, Karen, I'd love to sit

and watch you suck your stomach in for the next 20 minutes...

Oh.

But I really do have to go. I've got such a busy week.

Between the Sandler's beach house

and Pierre's new restaurant

and an interview with Robert Lilienfield,

I simply don't have a moment.

Robert Lilienfield?

Yes, can you believe that he wants to put me

through the formality of an interview before he hires me?

Why is it that men are only interested in foreplay

when it comes to business?

Grace, charmed.

Karen, appalled.

Hel, honey, love you like a cold sore.

Ah, she's sweet. Okay... where's the waiter?

I want to start celebrating.

There's nothing to celebrate.

I'm canceling the meeting with Lilienfield.

What? Honey, why?

Because I'm not gonna get the job.

I mean... I mean, it's-- it's Helena Barnes.

And I'm Grace Adler.

I mean, she's an international design... goddess!

And-- and I'm Grace Adler.

Do you really think that?

You really think she's better than you?

I can't afford Louis Vuitton, and her dog poops in it.

Alright, I shouldn't do this.

But, um, come on, I'm gonna take you somewhere

that's gonna make you feel

a whole lot better about yourself.

Oh, Karen, I don't wanna go to the pharmacy

for another one of your test drives.

Come on, not there! Move it. Move it!

Make it sing! Get it!

Oh, my God, Will, we are gonna make so much money.

I'm already eyeing a manse in the Hamptons.

It's three manses down from the Puffy-Lopez's.

Hmm.

It's been a while since you've had three manses

in the Hamptons.

You-- you do realize this is just a meeting with investors?

I mean, there's no guarantee they're gonna come through

with the money, although I must say,

they'd be crazy if they don't.

What, do you have to go sissy again?

You...

believing in me...

being my business partner.

- Who's my hero? - Oh!

Who's my hero?

You are the wind beneath my tush.

Well, let's not delve into that one too deeply.

Now, I thought we'd start by you

talking about how you first came up with--

No, no, no. You do the talking.

That's what you're good at. See, you're the quarterback.

I'm just the slutty cheerleader with the nice rack.

Alright, well, you know, if you feel like chiming in--

No, no, no. I won't.

- Will. - Hey.

- Good to see you. - Bob, always a pleasure.

This is my partner, Jack McFarland.

Hello, Jack.

Will: Well, uh, everybody take a seat.

I think we're ready to start.

- Gentlemen-- - Introducing the Subway Tush!

Jack!

♪ Hey mon frere ♪

♪ If your derriere could use a little cush ♪

♪ No need to pout the word is out ♪

♪ It's Jack's Subway Tush ♪

Taco Time? What are we doing at Taco Time?

And...

Wait, did you bring that drink from the restaurant?

What is this, Vegas?

- Look, Karen... - Hey...

Don't call me by my real name.

Call me by my alias, Anastasia Beaverhausen.

I wanna be incognito.

Why? Who could possibly know you here?

I don't know.

Hmm, the Duchess of York.

What? Why would the Duch... Oh, my God, it's Fergie!

Do you think that "Weight Watchers" knows about this?

What is going on here? [gasps]

Taco Time is a guilty pleasure

for some of the ladies in my circle.

Nobody questions it.

Nobody talks about it.

Okay, but why are we here?

Come on, Grace, it's like it says in the Bible,

the best way to make you feel good

is to make someone else look bad.

And nothing looks worse than a socialite shovelin'

a couple of taco gigantes down her gullet.

Are you trying to tell me that Hel...

Over there, honey. The slob in the dark glasses.

Are you sure that's her?

Paxil, if you are not going to finish that, mummy will.

Alright? Very well, then.

It's mine!

When is she gonna come up for air?

Grace: And she's, I mean, my God!

Oh, Anastasia, this is the best gift you've ever given me!

Don't kid yourself, honey, I didn't do it for you.

Helena took our slip at the yacht club.

And, uh, drilling a hole in the bottom of her boat

just didn't turn my crank the way I thought it would.

It's amazing how long Rosario can stay underwater though.

[instrumental music]

Thanks, ladies! You've been a great crowd!

Love ya! Love ya like lovin'!

[kissing]

- Nice. Nice work. - Really?

Yeah. Rip Taylor would've been proud.

Uh, Jack, can I speak with you for a moment?

Sure.

- Have a seat. - Oh.

First of all, I just wanna tell you

that we really love your product

and we're prepared to back you 100 percent.

Oh, my God!

You wanna put everything you've got into my tush?

Well, that's not the way legal would put it, but yes.

This is great! Oh, my God. Thank you.

I can't wait to tell Will!

Oh, yeah, about that, uh, we want him out.

Oh, he is. Everybody knows.

- No. I mean, out as in "Out." - What?

It's just that your presentation was so dynamic,

but then Will kept interrupting to talk about thinking small

and slow growth, and that's not the direction we wanna take.

- We'd like him gone. - So, what are you saying?

You expect me to sell out my business partner

and best friend of 13 years

for a scrap of foam rubber and a few measly shekels?

How dare you, sir? How dare you?

This is what we are prepared to offer.

He'll be gone by tomorrow.

[instrumental music]

- Hey, Will. - Hello, Jack.

- Whatcha readin'? - A book.

Would I like it?

No. There's nothing to color in.

Look, um, I spoke to the investors

after you left today...

And?

And...

there's something I should tell you.

- Sit down. - I am sitting down.

Okay, you don't have to bite my head off!

They said, um...

They said...

they need to think about it.

They need to think about it?

- Yeah. - Will: Okay.

Let me explain what that means. That means... "No."

And do you know why they're saying no, Jack?

Because of you.

- Will, I don't think... - Will: Exactly! You don't think!

I mean, first you start with that ridiculous

song and dance number with

♪ Hey mon frere if your derriere could use a little ♪♪

[blows raspberry] What the hell is that?

- You said to chime in. - Yes.

But by "Chime" I did not mean "The Bell Of Saint Mary."

- Will, Listen... - No. Then-- then you bend over.

In front of Lawrence Weber.

A grandfather of four and a large contributor

to the Republican National Committee.

And ask him to squeeze your happy heinie!

Hey, I got a vibe from him,

but that's a whole another story.

And to top it all off, you produce... this.

This sad, obscene thing.

This... butt puppet.

Buttford happens to be our spokes-puppet.

You stole Grace's pantyhose,

drew a face on them and then addressed people with it.

They were laughing.

You turned a meeting with my colleagues

into Circus-O-Gay!

And all of this adds up to the fact that

we're not gonna get any financing.

Because people do not generally give large sums of money

to crass juvenile performing monkeys!

Then how come they want me and not you?

Because I... What?

Yeah, that's right.

They said you think too small. They want you out.

They liked my vision. They liked my energy.

They liked my passion. And they liked Buttford!

They sent me here to fire you. Hm.

So... now who's the monkey, huh?

Hi. I need some advice.

Did you just walk across the hall like that?

No. Actually, I put my bra on when I got to the door

'cause I know how my girly parts embarrass you.

I can handle it. I watch Animal Planet.

Okay. I need-- I need help here.

Um, I've got my meeting with Lilienfield this afternoon.

So, do I go...

smarty turtleneck, hmm?

Or... bold...

cleavage blouse?

I don't know, they're both fine.

Fine?

I don't know. Whichever one you like better.

What?

Will, what is the point of having a gay best friend

if you're not gonna dress me?

What's wrong with you?

It's just this whole Subway Tush thing.

I mean, I didn't even want to get involved

in the first place, as you may recall.

But I was-- I was just trying to be a good friend.

So I went to all the trouble of setting up all these meetings

with these investors and the whole thing blows up in my face.

I just... Jack sold me out.

I'll tell you that.

Will, I-- I think he's more than made it up to you.

- What? How? - He's resigning.

He's what?

Yeah. I spoke to him this morning.

I called him 'cause... I know this sounds crazy.

But I was missing all these pantyhose,

and I thought he might've taken them.

I was wrong.

But anyway, that's-- that's what he told me.

He's resigning?

I don't... Why-- why would he do that?

He said because he loves you and he's your friend

and he doesn't wanna do it without you.

In fact, I think he's doing it right now.

Oh, my God. I... He-- he can't do that.

I mean, I love that he wants to,

but... his Tush means everything to him.

- I can't let this happen. - Wait a minute.

Wait, wait! Hey, hey!

- What about me? - Oh, um...

Uh, this with this.

Change the lipstick. Hair up and, uh...

Here are your hoes.

So, without Will, you guys don't get Jack.

In conclusion, gentlemen, I resign.

Stop saying that.

You cannot resign from a project

you've already been forcibly removed from.

You stole this idea.

Look, when you say it like that, of course it's gonna sound bad.

You told us you had a patent on this product.

When, in fact, the idea of the Subway Tush

belongs to a Mr. Bjorn Stevenson.

Hey, he said he was moving back to Sweden.

Then again he also said he could bench-press my weight

which led to a very painful breakup.

I don't think you understand.

We're seriously considering legal action.

I know you are, but what am I?

Gentlemen, please stop.

Hey! I know what's going on here and I'm not gonna let it happen.

I urge you, do not to accept this man's resignation.

He's only doing it out of love for me.

- Will, uh... - No. Don't. Please, Jack.

Let me-- let me say this.

When you have the opportunity to go into business

with someone like Jack, you don't let that

slip through your fingers.

- Will, listen-- - Jack has passion.

He has vision and most of all Jack has originality.

There is not an idea in this man's head

that is not fresh, unique--

Shut up, Will, I stole the idea.

What?

Apparently, the Subway Tush is not his idea.

It belongs to, what I've ascertained

is an ex-lover of Swedish extraction.

You stole this from Bjorn?

- What about edible bike shorts? - Jack.

Come on, ten miles into the ride you get hungry,

there's a snack right there on your...

Alright, how we doing, honey?

I'm good.

My pantyhose have a smiley face on 'em,

but I'm ready to go.

Terrif.

Now, listen, she's gonna come in here and act all superior,

but don't you let her intimidate you.

- I won't. - Good girl.

Now, I'm gonna go look at an island.

But remember, if you start thinking

Helena is something special,

just picture that albino rat of hers licking mole sauce

off her mug, got it?

- Got it. Thank you. I'm ready. - Okay.

- Medusa! - Medea.

Well... hello, again.

I must say I'm surprised to see you here.

Well, I'm up for the job as well.

- Really? - Grace: Mm-hmm.

Oh, well, may the best designer win.

[chuckles] Not if I have anything to say about it.

You're a strange girl, aren't you?

Why do the British always insult you

and then ask you to agree with them?

Maybe, because we think that you Americans

are just a little bit silly, don't you think?

- Helena! Hello. - Robert.

How are you? Oh.

I'm so sorry to keep you waiting.

I guess I was just saving the best for last.

Oh, Robert, stop.

Robert: So, what have you been up to?

Oh, what haven't I been up to?

Beijing, Bora Bora, Budapest.

Oh, by the way, Curtis and Denise send their love.

They thought the Steuben Menorah was fabulous!

And I must say I agree.

Robert: Oh, Helena, you always say the right thing.

And you must be Grace Adler?

Uh, tell me, did you have any trouble finding the place?

She eats tacos!

Lots of tacos!

Big, honking, greasy ones with extra cheese and guac.

And they drip on her fancy clothes.

And she thinks no one knows.

But... [laughs] They know, alright!

Yeah! Miss Snootypants is a taco eater!

So now who do you wanna hire?

Well, I don't know. Let me see your book.

Book?

Listen, honey, I know you're feeling

a little down about what happened,

but, hey, look on the bright side.

What bright side?

Well, it's just an expression, honey!

I can't believe it.

I made a fool of myself.

I forgot my book.

I blew a job.

My God, this is the best freaking taco I've ever had.

Gracie, darling, that was a delicious

performance you gave today.

So delicious in fact that I've decided to pick up your tab.

Thanks, especially since it was like $2.50

for the both of us.

- Anastasia. - Endora.

♪ Hey mon frere if your derriere ♪

♪ Could use a little cush

♪ No need to pout

♪ The word is out

♪ It's Jack's Subway Tush

♪ I really mean it

♪ It's Jack's Subway Tush

♪ I'll tell ya daddy

♪ It's Jack's Subway Tush ♪

Get out.

- For real? - [laughs] Yeah. Get out.