Original subtitles

Grace: This is so unfair.

Why do we always have to have breakfast at your house?

I have a house.

Yes, but you have no food there, nothing to eat with or on there,

and it smells like baloney and wet cat there.

- Since I'm already here. - Hmm. Cereal?

Generic bran flakes?

How geriatric.

- Oh, no. - Bran flakes kick in?

No, it's, uh, our alumni newsletter.

- Joseph Dudley retired. - Oh.

- Heart problems. - No.

- Yeah. - No.

Professor Dudley. I loved him.

He was the best teacher I ever had,

and the only one who never hit on me.

Grace, he was gay.

Ladies and Grace.

You'll be happy to know that I have found him.

Yes!

The love of my life. And he's from Belize.

Puh-lease.

Jack, we're really not in the mood.

We just got some bad news.

Oh, my God.

It's about James Van Der Beek, isn't it?

Is Beek off "The Creek?"

Is Jack smoking crack?

God, he was brilliant, you know?

- And such an inspiration. - Yeah.

You know, he's the one who made me want to write.

- You don't write. - But I wanted to.

Uh, do you know, when I graduated,

I told him I'd keep in touch, and then I never did.

I feel so guilty.

Okay, it's getting just a little

too "Tuesdays With Morrie" in here.

Why don't you just go visit Jack Lemmon

and get it over with?

What? I read the movie.

You know, I think Chrissy might actually be onto something here.

I mean, he is, he is our Morrie.

Y-- you know what we should do, is we should rent a car

this weekend and go visit him.

Oh, my God, yes, let's do it.

Oh, my God, I need to see him.

I need a shot of his optimism and positive energy.

Uh, you know, I actually called someone a bitch the other day.

Um, that was me.

And you were.

[theme music]

[chuckles]

Ah, pfft!

[clicks tongue]

When are you gonna realize I'm not talking to you?

Probably when you stop talking to me.

I just don't see why it was necessary to humiliate me

at the Alamo desk.

I was just flirting with the cutie rent-a-guy.

By making fun of me.

Okay, so I don't know that much about cars.

Grace, he asked you if you wanted a V6 or a V8,

and you said you preferred a Diet Coke.

- [scoffs] I was making a joke. - No, you weren't.

No, I wasn't, but that still does not excuse

two gay guys sitting there laughing in my face.

Like I don't get enough of that at home.

You owe me an apology.

- You really upset me. - Okay, okay.

I'm sorry you're upset.

Oh, ho, ho! Interesting.

It had the word sorry in it,

but somehow still made the whole thing my fault.

I'm sorry you see it that way.

Okay, there it is again.

Okay, do you think that maybe you could take

just a little bit of responsibility?

Alright! Alright.

I'm sorry that-- that-- that when we were at the Alamo desk,

I chose this car, because I could have had a V8!

Lord, why did I agree to cook dinner for Stan on his birthday?

I must have been sober or something.

Now that will never happen again.

Karen, trust me. I can teach you.

I've had years of experience

working under some of the finest chefs in New York.

Honey, ease up on the Giorgio.

That was so nice of you. Feels so good to help.

Yeah.

Come on, this will be fun. Will's away.

We can use his stuff, make a mess

and we don't even have to clean up.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, come on, this is serious.

If you can't teach me how to cook,

I have to have sex with my husband.

So you better make it high fat,

because the only thing I want hardening that night

are his arteries.

Ooh. A note.

I love notes.

Will: Jack McFarland, do not, I repeat, do not,

under any circumstances, enter this apartment.

I'm having my floors redone

and I forbid you to walk on them.

Do you understand?

- What's it say? - It's not for us.

Now, Will just had the floors redone,

so we have to respect that.

[imitates a chugging train]

Woo-woo!

Hello? [knocks]

Professor Dudley? It's Will and Grace.

Joseph: I'll be right there!

Oh. [chuckles] Did you hear that?

He always knows just what to say.

Ah.

Oh, [sniffs] Will, smell this place.

It smells like knowledge.

Yeah, knowledge mixed with tomato soup

and just a hint of A&D Ointment.

Ah, Will Truman and Grace Adler.

- Hey. - Hi, professor.

If you've come for inspiration, you're too late.

If you've come for the funeral, you're too early.

[laughs] It's...

- Hey, you look great. - How have you been?

How have I been? I loathe myself.

Now, who wants a wine cooler?

Wow.

I know.

Maybe we should have come on a Tuesday.

Honey, there are a few too many things

that are flaming in this kitchen.

Karen, would you relax? I'm toasting the croutons.

Ah! We're being robbed!

Mrs. Walker, we've been through this before.

Now, I am not a prowler, I am not a bartender,

I am not the black guy from "Designing Women."

I am your lawyer.

And maybe if you'd stop bobbing for olives for half a minute,

you might remember that.

Hmm. You're kind of hot.

Jackie!

Hello, Benjamin.

Oh, you're still mad 'cause I beat you at racquetball?

Uh, you know what, Ben? [scoffs]

My life's a little too hectic

to be mad about losing a game or two.

- Or 12. - Okay, we get it! You're huge.

Your sports cup runneth over.

Why are you here? Is Stan in trouble again?

Because listen to me, you tell that secretary of his,

one woman's sexual harassment is another woman's night off.

No. No, uh, Will told me to stop by

and pick up some papers, so I'm...

Jack, are you cooking that salad,

'cause, you know, it's-- it's better when you don't.

Um, Ben, we're buds,

we're love, we have history.

Um, if you look around, this isn't the racquetball court.

I think you're a little bit out of your element here, okay?

Well, uh, actually, before I went to law school,

I was a chef.

I studied in Provence.

In fact, I won an award for my coq au vin.

Yeah? And I won an award for my nyah-nyah-nyah.

Okay. Well, I remember that mood

from when I beat you left-handed. See you later.

Karen: You know, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute,

wait a minute, lawyer man. Hold on a second here.

Listen, we're in a crisis.

If I can't cook my husband rack of lamb for his birthday,

he's gonna be cravin' rack of me.

Alright, alright. Well, I'll help you,

but you have to say those magic words.

- Billable hours. - Let's get it on.

- But, Karen-- - Sorry, fruit.

You're out of the loop. Come on.

I-- I-- I can't believe what I'm hearing.

I mean, this, this is you.

How can you say your life has no meaning?

Yeah, I mean, you had such an impact.

You-- you made me want to write.

So you're a writer? What have you written?

Um, Will wants to say something.

You-- you just, you touched so many lives.

Does that not mean anything to you?

[sighs] I'm afraid that's all sound and fury

signifying nothing.

Or to put it in layman's terms, [blows raspberry]

Did the wisest man we know just go [blows raspberry]?

I believe he did.

And now, every other week,

I've got all these ex-students coming up here to visit me

just because they've read "Tuesdays With Morrie."

How unbearably pathetic.

- How, indeed. - Yeah.

I mean, w-- we've never even read that book.

So, you haven't written anything and you haven't read anything.

I can see I've made a marvelous impact.

Uh, uh, I'm sorry.

This-- this is like I'm talking to a different guy.

I mean, you used to be so positive and so upbeat.

Now, not to mention my role model

as a, as a strong gay man.

I mean, what, what happened to you?

Oh, why do we always have to have dinner at your house?

You know I have a house right next door.

Do you have any food over there?

Do you have anything to eat with or on

that isn't covered in cat hair?

You're starting with me? Very nice.

How about a little kindness, you miserable old fairy?

Will, Grace, this is Sharon Timmer.

She's my best friend in the whole world.

The pie's frozen. You're serving them frozen pie?

Joseph: The pie will thaw.

Sharon: When you're dead, it will thaw.

Joseph: Sharon, you have all the charm

of a flesh-eating virus.

Are you gonna say it or am I gonna say it?

I'm gonna say it.

You had way too many onions.

Not that! Them!

- They're us. - They're not. They're not us.

Will, when he put down the bottle of Correctol

by her lamb chop, she said, "Ew."

I say ew.

Will, she is exactly who I'm going to be.

And who knew I was gonna develop a taste for turquoise jewelry?

I mean, ew. Ah! Ew! Ah!

Would you relax? You're blowing this way out of proportion.

There is no... Oh, my God, that's my china pattern.

Ben: Be sure not to bruise the lettuce.

You've got to treat the salad like a lover.

Gently, and sensually.

Are you gettin' it?

Oh, I'm gettin' somethin', honey.

Hmm.

Doesn't look like much of a salad to me.

Where's the arugula?

Where's the radicchio?

Where's the Rwanda?

Jack, one of those isn't a salad ingredient

so much as a war-torn country in Africa.

Duh, I sponsor a kid in Arugula.

[knocks]

Hi, Ben.

[laughing]

So, the salad's done, the risotto is cooking.

Let's talk wine. Karen, you have any preference?

Honey, I'd suck the alcohol out of a deodorant stick,

so you're asking the wrong gal.

Karen, are you saying you don't care about the wine?

No, honey, I was just flirtin' with ya.

Grace, you are such a lovely young lady.

Tell me, how come you're not married?

Oh, well, um, I was engaged last year,

but it didn't work out.

Oh, really? Well, what happened?

Sharon.

I'm just making conversation, Joe.

So, Grace, what made you not go through with it?

Um, well, we were just so different,

and I wasn't ready, and--

- And Will didn't approve? - Sharon!

Uh, well, no, he didn't, but that's not why I didn't--

Because, heaven forbid, there should be any other man

in your life besides Will.

Darling, when the moonlight hits you like that,

I can just make out the venom glistening on your front fang.

Hey, hey, did anybody see that-- that special

on Discovery last night about the human liver?

It is quite the filtration system.

Interesting organ, the liver. Produces bile.

Joe, I would imagine you'd have one the size of Utah.

Speaking of things the size of Utah, have a seat, Sharon.

Okay, stop, enough! I can't take any more.

What, what is the matter with you two?

What do you mean, darling?

Well, you, you're awful to each other.

I mean, sulfites and digestive enzymes

get along better than you two.

What?

The liver has trouble breaking down sulfites, so--

- Sweetie, no. - Oh.

I mean, you became friends for a reason. What happened?

Well, nothing happened per se.

In the course of a 30-year friendship,

bad patterns emerge, uh, difficulties arise.

It's impossible to pinpoint--

December 15, 1978!

Faculty cocktail party!

The topic was 19th century French literature.

You brought up Balzac, and I thought

you were making another one of your crude gay jokes.

So I responded and you mocked me

in front of your whole department.

And the worst part is that you just wouldn't apologize

for humiliating me like that.

Our relationship has never been the same.

Wait a minute. That, that's it?

Tha-- that's what's-- what's eaten away at your friendship,

the way c-- cirrhosis eats away at a human liver--

Okay, enough with the liver!

And you, professor,

if you know that-- that all it would take is, is an apology,

then apologize to your friend of 30 years.

My God, she deserves at least that.

You're right.

You're right.

Sharon, I'm sorry

your education system failed you.

You don't know the difference between a 19th-century novelist

and a feeble pun unworthy of even Dick Cavett.

And Joseph darling,

I'm sorry the only Balzac

you've thumbed in the last 20 years

sits on a dusty shelf in your study.

- Hag! - Queen!

I'm sorry I always make you eat breakfast at my house.

I'm sorry I got you involved with "A Course In Miracles."

I'm sorry I took the batteries out of Mr. Good Vibrations

and put them in my alarm clock.

That was you?

I'm sorry.

Most of all, I'm sorry I made fun of you at the rental place.

You-- you're-- you're-- you know a lot about cars

and you're a very good driver.

Thank you.

I really appreciate that.

So just, you know, remember that the next time--

- Grace, no! - Ah!

Sorry.

- Hag. - Queen.

Oh, darn.

I spilled all over my sweater.

No, you didn't.

No, I didn't, but it made you look. [laughs]

So, Jack, what do you think? Good?

Mm, I've had better.

Jack, you-- you cleaned your plate with your tongue.

Okay, fine, I liked it. Alright?

It was fabulous. You're a fabulous cook.

You know everything about everything.

But can you do this, hmm?

Alright. Can you do this, hmm?

Alright, that's it.

I've had just about enough.

I can't take any more of this,

because you have shamed me here today.

And now it is my turn to shame you.

Now, there is one thing I know, I know

I can do better than you.

- Really? What's that? - Tap dance.

- You think so, huh? - Jack: Oh, yeah.

I must warn you, I've studied with Tony Wing,

the Chinese Fred Astaire.

Prepare to be amazed. Karen, count me off, please.

Five, six, seven, eight.

[feet tapping]

Jack, wow.

I mean, you have it all over me. I fold.

Wise man.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have go to the little girls' room.

- What? - Are you kiddin', honey?

Five, six, seven, eight!

[feet tapping]

What are you two toasting about?

Your victory, honey.

- Well, thank you. - Jack.

Look, Ben, don't be so hard on yourself, okay.

Took me years to get that good.