Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

Hey, lookin' good.

I'm having an insect invasion.

New York roaches are getting way too bold.

I just found one wearing a pair of my shoes.

Look at you two with the cologne and the tightness. Mmm.

- Where you going? - This new club downtown.

Yeah, it's where the old club downtown used to be.

Oh! Oh! Great! Okay, just give me two minutes.

Both: Ooh.

What, "ooh?" I love gay bars. I always go to gay bars.

There's not a gay bar in town I haven't been to with you guys.

Okay, just figured out why I'm alone

and dateless on a Saturday night.

You have a boyfriend. Call Josh.

Mmm, no, he'll just want to see some chick flick

and then talk about it.

I wanna, I wanna go with you guys.

No, I'm sorry, we're having a meeting

of the He-Man Woman Haters' Club.

No girls allowed. Right, Spanky?

Me, too, neither. Hmmph.

Fine. I don't need you two to have fun.

I have a big night planned.

Mmm. Ant traps are under the kitchen sink.

Thanks.

[elevator dings]

I'm...

- Uh, Val? - Hey.

Hi, oh, I'm sorry. I was just doing a little some-- something

for the security camera. [chuckles]

A little gift for the boys in the basement.

Shut up. I do the same thing.

I hate to disappoint you both, but that's not

a security camera, that's a smoke detector.

- Val, do you know Jack? - No.

Val, the lunachick who got in a catfight with Grace

and tore her clothes off?

Speaking.

I am such a big fan of your work.

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

Hey, do you guys want to go have a cookout on my fire escape,

'cause I just got a new hibachi?

Ooh, tempting. No, we're going to a club.

- Yeah. - Oh, really?

It's all you can eat after midnight.

I didn't know they served food.

They don't. [both giggle]

Well, I guess, I'm the only loser with nothing to do

on a Saturday night then.

Get off, get off, get off!

And then there were two.

Nighty-night.

- Hey. - Val?

Long time no see.

Yeah, I, uh, I think the last time I saw you,

you were smashing my face into the carpet.

Well, looks like that burn above your eye went away.

Actually, I just stopped plucking in that area.

Well, I just got ditched by two gay guys.

Oh, my God, me, too.

- Really? - Yeah.

Hey, well, do you wanna to kill bugs and watch infomercials?

I'm wearing pointed shoes.

- You're on! - Really?

- Yeah! - Oh, good, I like your hat.

I got one in faux fur.

[theme music]

- Oh, my God. - Ew.

They're pulling her whole face off. Ew, ew, ew.

Ooh, I love this show.

Can you imagine doing that to your face?

I would never do plastic surgery, it's gross.

- I know. It's so demeaning. - Pathetic.

Totally.

I might do my eyes.

Well, sure. That's medical.

I'm... I'm also thinking of getting a butt lift.

Not surgical, just pay some guy

to walk behind me and carry it.

If I'm not married by the time I'm 35, I'm doing my boobs.

- That's not medical. - Sure, it is.

I wanna marry a doctor.

My ex-husband wanted me to get a boob job,

and so I got rid of him.

Well, that and the fact that he was sleeping

with his dental hygienist.

Why is it always the hygienist? What is it?

Is it the white uniforms? The latex gloves?

I think it's because they're whores.

Well, hey, Lady La-La.

What are you doin' in here?

Oh, Stan's been sockin' down the herbal Viagra again,

and this is the only room in the house

he doesn't know about. Shhh.

Karen, guess what?

Tonight, I met the one.

The man I wanna spend the rest of my life with.

Hey! There is only one man in your life.

And her name is Rosario and don't you forget that.

Um, his name is Bill. Look.

And he gave me a picture of himself.

Isn't that a great idea?

I'm gonna start passing out pictures of myself

to people I meet at clubs.

Honey, did you even read this?

Well, I read the picture.

And it said, "Mommy, mommy, give me some of Jack." Ah!

He is the head of some group called "Welcome Back Home."

Well, I'm sure it's a typo, he must mean,

"Welcome back, homo."

"It's never too late to get back on the straight and narrow?"

Honey, this is a cult. Yeah.

Like the Moonies or the homeless.

Yes, they're trying to make gay people straight.

Good Lord. Don't they know what that'll do to the fall line?

"Renounce your homosexuality?"

"Make the choice to be straight?"

"Gay is not the way."

Jennifer Jason Leigh, these people are freaks!

Yes, and it looks like your new sweetie has turned his back

on homosexuals and not in the good way, no.

Don't listen.

Well... Bill is not straight.

I mean, look at us, Karen. We're lovers.

Lord.

I wonder if Stan's exhausted himself

on the body pillow yet.

Wait, they're having a meeting tomorrow. We have to go.

What this organization is advocating is morally wrong.

And it is my responsibility

to shine the mirror of truth upon them.

- Honey? - Okay.

I just want to make out with Bill.

Ooh, he's so cute, isn't he?

I know, I know, honey, but it's a waste of time.

Alright, it's like exercise or reading to your kids.

The man thinks he's straight.

There are no straight men,

only men who haven't met Jack.

Yeah, well, you can count me out.

If you think I'm gonna spend my Sunday morning

with a bunch of self-loathing closet cases...

- You get to be a lesbian. - Karen: Wake me by 11.

So, um, Val, what are you doing Tuesday night?

Tuesday night?

Oh, I'm going to a movie and then out to dinner.

- Oh. - With you, silly person!

Oh, yay, wow!

[elevator dings]

Wow, if these walls could talk.

So how was girls' night out?

[murmurs] I don't know. I got hit on by a guy named Beverly,

which, you know, in England, is a very common name

for, for women.

- Bye, Val. - Night, guys.

- Bye. - Bye!

Wow. So no bruises, no cuts, no torn clothing?

What the hell happened?

Grace: We had so much fun.

I don't think that I've laughed that hard since you and...

That's odd. My music box is missing.

What?

The music box my dad gave me

for my bat mitzvah.

Did you borrow it?

Yeah. Yeah, I took it to the bar with me.

Nothing says "hey, there" like a pop-up ballerina.

It was here. Val even, even commented on it.

You don't think she, um...

- What? - Stole it?

I mean, she has tried battery on you, why not theft?

[instrumental music]

Well, I hope you're happy.

Thanks to you, I didn't sleep all night.

Well, I've got news for you, mister.

Val did not steal my music box. She is my friend.

- And I trust her. - Okay.

Which is why we are breaking into her apartment.

So I can prove to you that it is not there.

Great, just give me a minute to get my black leotard

and suction cups and I'll meet you on the side of the building.

- Hurry up. - Grace!

Understand what you're doing? This is breaking and entering.

We can't go to prison. We're too pretty.

Relax. I'm the president of the tenants board.

I'm allowed to go into any apartment

in which I suspect a gas leak.

But you don't suspect a gas leak?

Man, you're not gonna last two minutes in the slam.

Well, now we know who's buying everything on eBay.

Okay, come on. Let's start lookin'.

Man, look at all these snow globes.

"Greetings from Times Square."

Aw, Grace, look. It's snowing on a hooker.

Okay, put the hooker down.

You're so convinced she took the music box, find it.

Actually, Grace, you know what I'm more convinced of?

That I don't care.

Then why would you call my friend a thief?

- I take it back. - What are you, a child?

There's no takesies backsies.

Okay, so start looking.

It's a brown music box that plays "Hava Nagila."

But you're not gonna find it. And why?

Because Val did not take it.

["Hava Nagila" plays on music box]

Well, unless you've been using musical suppositories,

I think we've found it.

Oh, God.

Hey.

Surprise!

Surprise!

What are you two doing here?

Um, uh-- uh-- uh, we thought you had a gas leak.

Then why did you yell "surprise?"

Well, we didn't say it was a nice surprise.

Oh, my Lord, look at these people.

Just because they stopped being gay

it doesn't mean that they have to stop having taste.

Oh, look. There he is. There's Bill.

Isn't he dreamy?

Yeah, he's a slice o' ice cream cake.

Now, when do I get to French kiss a girl? Come on, come on.

Patience, Clarice.

The best way for me to get close to Bill

is to act like a straight guy.

That way I can win him over and release his inner homo.

I haven't seen this many closet cases since the Academy Awards.

Well, hello. You must be the newcomers.

I'm Kevin and this is my wife, Jodie.

We're one of Welcome Back Home's biggest success stories.

Four years and counting.

Can you believe that we actually used to be gay?

What? You two? [mouthing] No.

I'm plotzing.

[mouthing] Wow.

Help yourself to the buffet.

Forget what you think you know about corned beef hash.

And try the deviled eggs. My Kevin made 'em.

They're world famous.

My secret is chopped scallions.

Honey, was that two men or two women?

- Jack, you're here. - Oh, my God, it's Bill.

Take it out of the head voice.

[lower voice] Oh, my God, it's Bill.

Jack, I am so proud of you for coming.

As a former gay man myself, I know how difficult it can be

to take that first step. Welcome back home.

Uh, dude, I came home a long time ago.

Uh, this is Karen, the old ball and chain.

I used to dig chicks. Hah! Yeah.

Oh, well, welcome back home to you, too.

I'm sorry, when I saw you at the bar last night...

Oh, no-no-no. I was just uh, trying to get my bud Will

back on the [whistles] straight and narrow again, yeah.

He's a big fat flamer! [laughs]

He's in love with me, so, uh...

Me? I like the ladies. Right, babe?

[both growl]

Wow. Wow, that is just a beautiful thing to see.

- Isn't being married great? - Yeah.

- Is there anything better? - Yeah.

Riding on the back of a Harley with Angelina Jolie. Oh!

That's why I brought her in.

See, she needs a little bit of a tune-up.

- Yeah. - Rrrmm, rrrmm!

Ah, party on.

Well, that's what we're here for,

to support you in your new life.

- Girls, we got a slider. - What's that?

Come on, Karen. You're just in time for the makeup seminar.

We're all gonna get cheekbones.

Oh, well, that's nice, honey.

And, uh, when are we gonna learn about bras?

Well, well, well. Alone at last.

In a heterosexual straight kind of way, you know.

So, yeah, you wanna watch the game?

What game?

You know, foot... skipball?

- I'm back. - We missed you.

- I hope you like Sunny D. - I Sunny do.

Oh, wait.

Ah, that's for you. That's for you.

[mumbling]

Uh, uh, okay.

Val, um, uh, I-- I don't know how to say this,

but, uh, where did you get the...

snow globes?

Oh, they belonged to my ex-husband.

He loved them more than anything.

So, naturally, I made sure that I got them

in the settlement.

So you sort of got him by the globes.

I squeezed 'em real tight

and I shook 'em, shook 'em, shook 'em!

Yeah.

Yeah.

Globes are fun. You know what else I love?

This music box, where'd you get that?

Oh, I got that with, uh,

with a big kitty, they came as a set.

How long have you had it?

- Oh, for like forever. - Oh, what's it play?

This old Irish song that I love.

- Sweet. Can I hear it? - Sure.

♪ Gosh and begorrah gosh and begorrah ♪

♪ Gosh and begorrah my Irish eyes... ♪♪

It's "Hava Nagila"!

It's not an Irish song!

It's an ancient Hebrew song about... something Jewish!

My dad gave this to me for my bat mitzvah.

You stole it!

Grace, I am hurt. How can you say something like that?

Read the back. Is your Hebrew name Rachel?

- Give it to me. - No, it's mine!

- It's mine! It's mine! - Hey, hey, hey! Hold on.

Can we take a breath? Okay?

God, you two, I sw-- I swear, when you get together,

I-- I know what it must be like to be the father of...

[screaming]

- Get off of me! - Hey. Come on, Grace.

Oh! My globes.

- What a great play. Up high. - Uh.

See, um, before, when I was gay,

that high five might have sent a tingle up my thigh

straight to my home entertainment center.

But now that I'm straight, it's just a couple of guys

celebrating the ball doing somethin' good.

Exactly, Welcome Back Home teaches that physical contact

between two men is okay, as long as there's nothing behind it.

- That's us, right? Yeah... - Sure. I mean...

Oooh!

Oooh!

Oh, how do you do it, ladies?

How do you stay straight with so many

fine lookin' chicks around?

Well, we try and keep our love life fresh,

so we don't do it that often.

Oh, you're lucky. Jack just wants it all the time.

- Ooh. - And I wanna please him.

But I don't know, whenever we're making love,

I just can't stop thinking about...

Rosario.

Who?

She's our maid, but, oh, she's so much more.

Yeah, whenever I see her up on a step ladder dusting,

my eyes just travel up those

thin supple calves to those thick, trunk-like thighs.

- I just... Oh, I should stop. - No, go on.

- Hey, that was a great game. - Yeah.

So you wanna hit the showers?

What?

You know, like they're doing.

Jack, I don't think that's appropriate.

What do you talk?

It's just a couple of naked straight guys

soaping each other down. Pppsss...

Okay, I-- I have to say something here.

The backslapping and the head-rubbing was one thing,

but the ear blowing and the butterfly kisses

are not standard NBA practice.

And now this shower thing?

What are you implying?

You're coming on to me.

What? I am shocked and appalled.

But are you interested?

You think that you can just come in here and use this group,

this group that puts people back on the path of righteousness,

as some kind of dating service?

I just need a yes or no.

No. And I want to make something crystal clear to you

and to everyone else in this room.

Excuse me, we are here to lead normal, heterosexual lives.

Man and woman are meant to be together.

So anyone here who has a misguided notion

that Welcome Back Home is some kind of a-- a gay pickup joint,

you can just leave right now.

Well, look at 'em go.

I haven't seen a stampede like this since Pamplona.

Oh! Oh, my God, listen to me. I'm a funny lesbian. I'm Ellen.

Well, as long as it's a heterosexual soapdown.

Attagirl.

I'm so sorry I kicked you that second time.

Yeah.

- But you did get in the way. - I know. That's my fault.

I should know to wear a sports cup around you two.

Can I ask one small question?

Yeah, I would alternate ice and heat on them

until the feeling comes back.

A different question.

Why did you bend over backwards defending this woman

when it was so clear that...

I know, I know, I know.

She was fun.

And I need more women in my life, besides you.

It was big of you to forgive her.

I thought the hug was a nice touch.

Screw forgiveness.

When she was huggin' me,

I stole her watch.

Grace, you crafty little... Okay, this is my watch.