Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

Okay, uh, uh, uh, a school report,

two pieces of paper,

um, uh, uh, a hem line in a hurry.

What, oh, what? I don't know and I don't...

- Give me another clue, come on. - Uh, uh.

Um, um, your Aunt Honey's stomach.

Things that are stapled!

- Thank you. - Yeah!

Wow.

- Alright! Great time. - Great.

- Twenty-two seconds. - Uh-huh.

Okay, not bad.

If they don't get the next one in seven seconds, we won.

- Mm-hmm. - Shorthand, we won.

- Ha! - Okay. Good luck, you guys.

- Know you can do it. - And here we go.

- Me and you. - People who're gettin' married.

- Correct. - What?

Well, you know, we've been thinkin' about it and we just--

What, in four seconds?

They must have cheated. They suck at this.

- Hey! - This is the...

Maniac, they're not playing the game,

they're making an announcement.

Oh, oh. Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh, congratulations. And we won.

- Whoo. - Hey.

I have a chilled bottle of very expensive champagne,

which I have been saving for a special occasion.

Who wants coffee?

Um, Will, there's actually one more question I need to pop.

Um... will you be my best man?

Rob, you are not only my friend...

you're my accountant and...

any guy that can figure out a way to deduct Jack McFarland

as an entertainment expense... come here.

Wai-- wai-- wai-- wait. Okay, we're not done.

Grace... would you be my maid of honor?

Grace: Oh, my God, Ellen.

That is so sweet. Come here.

No.

What?

[gasps] Well, why?

Well, gosh, you don't want two redheads in the...

In the wedding party.

It-- it-- it... Eh, it's a red menace.

Since when, Grace?

Since never. I made it up. I'll do--

- Oh! - Of course, I will.

- Thank you, Grace! - Of course.

Oh, now, I am so, so jazzed about all this.

Good, you know, you guys, you're the best,

and-- and we hate to cut this evening short

but, uh, we gotta break the big news

to everyone in our line dancing club.

Ah, well, while you're there, you might want to break

the news that line dancing is over.

- You guys are the best. - You kidder.

Love you guys.

- Congratulations. - Bye.

The red menace? What was that about?

Oh, um, you know, I just...

I just have this issue with Ellen.

It's-- it's a long, complicated story.

So give me the short version.

I slept with Rob. Goodnight.

Whoa!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Gonna need the long, complicated version.

- Go. - Okay.

Danny and I had just broken up, Ellen and Rob were going through

yet another one of their breakups.

In a nutshell, a chance encounter at a restaurant,

rain, booze, sympathy, knees touching,

more booze, more rain, more sympathy,

cab ride, and then...

[exhales]

Stuff.

I can't believe you haven't told me this.

I mean, you know, there-- there was that time

last April when I was so depressed,

and this would have pulled me right out of it.

Yeah.

You see, this is exactly why I didn't tell you,

because I knew that you would enjoy it.

That you would make jokes and judge me

and call me names and...

Grace, give me a little credit.

- You little minx. - Alright, that's it.

[theme music]

[instrumental music]

Okay, bachelor party.

Let's review what we've got so far.

8 o'clock, the guests arrive.

8:30, something fun happens.

Um, my name in bubble letters

and then a picture of a man on a donkey. I got nothin'.

Oh, my God, I got a donkey, too.

Well, [sighs] you know why we're blocked

'cause heterosexual marriage is just wrong.

I mean, if God had intended man and woman to be together,

He would have given them both penises.

I believe I heard Pope RuPaul II say that.

I know. A progressive spa party. [gasps]

We'll go from one lovely bachelor's pad to the next.

Jack: And at each place, we'll do a different treatment.

A steam facial here...

a deep pore cleansing there...

and then knock-knock, "Hello, seaweed wrap?"

"Yes, come on in."

That is the gayest thing I've ever heard.

I know, isn't it yummy?

I can't do it. I can't do it, Will.

I can't do this bridal shower.

I am so racked with guilt, I'm delusional.

I'm making the finger sandwiches,

and they're all giving me the finger.

Why so guilty? What'd you do?

- Stuff. - Stuff.

Look... I'm having the bachelor party here.

You're having the shower in your place.

I mean, if you start to freak out, just come over and get me.

It'll be fine. I promise.

- Okay. - Alright.

Okay.

Oh, oh, oh, I know.

I know what this is.

Will told me everything.

Grace, you really did it this time. Oh, oh. [chuckles]

You told him I slept with Rob?

- Uh, no. - Works every time.

Listen to me, Chatty Cathy.

You keep this to yourself. Not a word.

We do not speak of this again. You understand?

You little minx.

[hissing]

That was fun.

Now I'm hungry.

Take me to Black Angus. [hissing]

No, no.

We gotta figure this bachelor party thing out,

so, I mean, just think.

Straight world is backwards world,

so what is the absolute last thing

that you and I would want to see at a party?

Hi.

I'm Sergeant Goodbody and I'm here to give Rob

a citation for being a very bad boy.

Oh, my God, a stripper!

You know, Rob, as your attorney,

I would usually advise against this sort of thing,

but as your friend, I say

"Par-tay har-tay." [laughs]

Did I do that right?

Uh, I think you have to add a "Woo-hoo."

Woo-hoo!

[instrumental music]

[knock on door]

[sighs]

[chuckles]

- Karen. - Hi, honey.

What are you doing here?

Oh, I was just taking a little walk.

You don't walk.

Well, I was just goin' out for a little snack.

You don't eat solid foods.

I love you.

Oh, right. Right. Oh, Stan's mother's in town.

Oh, I'm telling you she's evil!

I'm being tortured in my own home.

She's irresponsible, she's lazy, she drinks.

And worst of all, she makes fun of what I wear!

What are you supposed to say to a woman like that?

Uh, Karen, may I take your coat?

Thanks, honey.

Karen, you cannot stay.

Ellen is gonna be here any second for her bridal shower,

and she's bringing a couple of friends from Weehawken.

Oh. Oh, come on, honey. Let me stay.

I've always wanted to see those people up-close

instead of just driving through their habitat

and havin' 'em jump on the hood of the car. Come on.

[no audio]

No. No, Karen.

Ellen is-- is-- is a dear friend of mine,

and she's entrusted me with the responsibility

of being the maid of honor

and I take it very, very, very seriously.

Oh, my God, you slept with the groom.

[gasps]

What? How did you... Well, what did...

Do you have three sixes on your head?

No, but I got a fifth in my bloodstream.

[laughs] Oh, my God.

Even in an adulteress's apartment, I'm funny. [laughs]

Oh, I can't breathe, I can't breathe. [laughing]

So, who'd like the first lap dance?

- Rob. - Oh, gosh, I don't know.

I mean, Ellen's across the hall

and I've got that hiatal hernia.

Well, uh, Steve?

Nah. I can tell she doesn't like me.

Okay, Ira, she's all yours.

My lap's a little tender right now.

- What does that mean? - Just leave me alone.

Well, alright, damn it, I'll do it.

I mean, I've copped a feel.

Might as well feel a cop. [chuckles]

Alright, come to papa.

[instrumental music]

[knocking on door]

Okay, we're gonna sit down now,

and you're gonna pretend like you're a human being.

- Mm. You little minx. - Not a word!

- Ellen. - Hi.

Hi! Welcome to your shower.

- Oh, my God, my shower! - Come on in.

And you've done one of your picnics.

- Isn't it fun? - Oh, so much fun.

I can't believe how much fun.

Grace, everything is really cute.

I hope you didn't put yourself out.

Oh, too late. [laughs]

Will: Jack?

Jack, what's going on? What...

Why'd you run out in the middle of your lap dance?

Does your ass have attention deficit disorder, too?

Will, something really bad happened.

I got, uh, I got excited.

You mean excited like

I-wanna-wear-what-she's-wearing excited?

No.

Excited the way...

that three of the four Baldwins

and one of the two Quaids get me excited.

Oh, my God, it's finally happened.

You've gotten so gay, you've looped around to straight again.

This isn't funny.

Nothing like this has ever happened to me before.

I'm really freaked out right now--

Alright, alright, calm down.

I know exactly what to do.

- What? - Tell Grace.

[instrumental music]

Oh, my God! Jack got turned on by a woman?

[chuckles]

Well, he couldn't be straight. So what, now he's a lesbian?

Well, he-- he's got the haircut for it.

[laughing] Alright.

So, uh, how's it goin' for you, sleep-around Sue?

What happened to "Minx?"

I'm savin' that for just the right moment.

- Minx. - Can we stop?

I'm sorry, what, you drop a bomb like-- like

you and Rob sleeping together

and what, I'm supposed to let it go?

Will, please.

Little dirty-dirty,

cutie-cutie, sleepin' with Robbie-Robbie--

- Oh. - Oh.

Will, listen, is it okay if we watch "The English Patient?"

What?

That's not a happy face.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Ellie, we were broken up. I mean, I was a mess.

- I was out of my head. - He's right.

You know, wh-- wh-- when a man gets that low,

he'll reach for anything, anything.

Yup, that's me.

I'm the step you take right before the gun.

Oh...

Okay, somebody tell that skank not to talk to me.

And you, Mr. Man, are worse than a skank.

You're a skunk who sleeps with skank.

- Skunk. Skank! - Okay, okay.

Ellen, you know, I-- I-- I am so sorry,

but could we just agree that kind of language

is uncalled for?

- The wedding's off, Grace. - Oh, Ellen, you can't--

Agh!

I am so humiliated and disappointed,

and I just pray to God

our friends never find out about this.

Ellen: Everybody, Rob slept with Grace. The wedding is off.

You and your big mouth!

Me? What about him and his big mouth?

You know, as far as I'm concerned,

you both have big mouths.

I slept with Grace. Wedding's off.

- What-- what do you wanna do? - Go in there.

Get Rob and we will work this out together.

No, no. I can't go in there. Everybody hates me.

Grace, I promise you, no one is even thinking of you

right now. Okay?

Alright, okay.

- Hi, everybody. - All: Boo! Boo!

[instrumental music]

What were you thinking?

- Poodle. - Oh, Karen.

I know, I know, I know, honey. Will told me.

Listen, I'm sure it's just a fluke or an allergic reaction.

I mean... Stan's head swells when he eats a peanut.

Karen, I know the difference between

6 o'clock and 12 o'clock, and this was...

"Midnight At The Oasis."

[sighs] Alright, alright, well...

Come on, let's try a little reenactment

and see if we can figure out what happened.

Sit down. Okay. Alright.

Now, she probably started out with a little of this action.

Oh, yeah. Ah, ah, ah...

Well, she wasn't, uh, really that boob intensive.

She just kind of sat on my lap and moved around a lot.

Oh, well, then it was just simple friction.

Okay, come on. Here we go. Okay, alright.

♪ This is the way the wheel goes round ♪

♪ The wheel goes round the wheel goes round ♪♪

Karen, you're chafing me.

Just give me another couple seconds.

Oh, it's not working.

Maybe not for you.

It's no use. [sighs]

I'm a freak. I'm an aberration.

I'm a man that gets turned on by... women.

But not by me? You know, that hurt.

You should really be careful what you say.

You should realize that words are weapons, you little sissy!

Now, wake up down there!

Karen!

This isn't about you, this is about me

and this sickness I have.

Jack? I've been looking for you.

I still owe you half a lap dance.

Um, could you just give it to the needy?

Look, I never do this, but I think you're really cute.

So if you change your mind, here's my card.

Uh, that's very nice of you.

I don't think I'll be changing my mind any time soon, Carl,

so because I'm a...

You're a Carl?

From the waist down. From the waist up, I'm Carla.

So you're not a girl?

Not yet, but God willing, by fall, I will be.

Oh, thank God.

I'm still gayer than Christmas.

Alright, speaking of half-women,

I gotta get back to Stan's mother.

Oh, hey, hey, say, come on, come with me.

We'll scare the crap out of her and you'll get

you a thousand dollars closer to your snippity-doo-da-day.

Come on!

[instrumental music]

Ellen, peaches, listen.

The thing between Grace and me meant nothing.

That's right, El, nothing.

It was just a meaningless encounter.

A wrong detour.

A pathetic, miserable act

between two desperate, sweaty people.

Did I say that out loud?

Look, El, she was nothing compared to you.

I mean, you know I don't like bony girls.

It was like... it was like having sex with a cricket.

Yeah? Well, I was fake chirping.

- Please come out. - Please, Ellen.

I am not talking to Skunk or Skank.

I will only talk to Will.

Cricket?

I'm so never sleeping with you again.

Ellen, I know you're hurting,

but there's something you've gotta know.

- Rob is hurting, too. - Do you have any condoms?

Top drawer. Well, I mean, he-- he loves you.

He-- he-- he cares for you... I'm sorry, condoms?

Yeah, we're having sex.

Hey, it's the only way to even the score with Rob and Grace.

- Has to be done. - Oh, okay, wait, wait.

Slow down. One of us is gay.

Yeah, get over it.

Now, I want you to throw me on the bed

and have your beasty way with me.

Ellen, that is not gonna happen. You and I are not gonna...

Oh, my God, you're in a bra.

Get a load of these torpedoes.

Ellen, damn the torpedoes.

Give it over to your mama.

Stop, stop, stop.

Look... I know you're in pain,

but this is no way to deal with it.

I mean, look at you, look what you're doing.

[gasps]

Oh, my God, you're right. Oh, my God, look at me.

What is wrong with me?

I'm just a dumb, stupid idiot-head.

Oh, Ellen, it's okay. It's... It's just...

Now, I'm gonna grind you like a fresh cup of coffee.

Agh!

Don't worry, uh, Will is fantastic

in these kind of situations. Trust me.

He will not come out of there

until he has fixed this.

Yeah. Yeah, you're right.

I-- I give up! Alright, forget it!

I... Th-- th-- this has gotten way out of hand.

There-- there's a crazy woman in there

coming at me like, like Chucky in a C-cup.

What now?

You know what?

There's only one person who can make this right.

Hey, I'm not going back in there

unless she is sedated or trussed up like a turkey.

I'm talkin' about me, Will.

Oh, right. Yes, go... Good for you.

- Come on, let's do it. - Okay, you can do it!

- We've got faith in you, buddy. - Go, Rob!

- Never gonna happen. - He's a dead man.

Oh, God, what am I gonna do, what am I gonna do?

I know! I know! I'll do what I did in college.

Oh, Grace, I got rid of my bong years ago.

Not that.

Whenever Ellen and I would get into a fight in college,

I would make her a tunnel of fudge Bundt cake.

We would talk, we would eat,

and somehow everything would work out okay.

Of course, much like the apple Brown Betty

that ended the Battle of Guadalcanal.

Grace, we don't have time.

Don't you see that I have to do something?

I mean, Ellen is one of my oldest and dearest friends.

I mean, when my father was sick, Ellen was there.

When I didn't get into that Paris program, Ellen was there.

And-- and when, and when Danny and I broke up, Ellen was...

Well, Rob was there, but...

But Ellen was just a few blocks away.

God, now I've totally ruined their marriage.

Rob: Oh! Oh, oh!

- Was that you? - Unh-unh.

- So that means that was... - Uh-huh.

- Right there on your... - Oh, yeah.

- Let's get out of here. - No.

I can't go anywhere until I know that Ellen's forgiven me.

Ellen, have you forgiven Grace?

Ellen: Oh, God, yes.

Good enough for me.

Wanna go get something to eat?

No, I wanna go get some new sheets.