Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

- The key. The key. - Will.

You're just setting yourself up. We're not gonna win.

I need the phone, I need the phone.

Who are you, Vinnie Two Times? Stop saying everything twice.

Okay, okay. Okay.

Why are you not more excited about this?

This is-- this is front row seats

to a sold-out Joni Mitchell concert. You love her.

Uh, Will, regular people don't win these things.

It's just losers who have the radio station on speed dial.

[phone beeping]

Oh, Will.

Look, you do what you want, but you are on your own.

I'm not gonna get myself all pumped up

about something, and just to be devastated

when it doesn't happen.

- Hello? I got someone. - Oh, my God! We're gonna win!

We're gonna win! I knew it!

Hi, um, my name is--

Get off the phone!

Jack: No, you get off the phone.

- Hang up! - No, you hang up.

- You're such a child. - Nah-uh.

- You're the child. - Hey, gimme the phone.

- That is my phone. - It's my apartment!

It is not your apartment.

Between 10:00 and 5:00 it is. You know the deal.

That deal only exists in your head.

- Now gimme the-- - No.

Oh, my God. Naked pictures of James Van Der Beek.

What? Where? I knew he'd crack.

Will: Ha-ha!

[phone beeps]

- Busy. - This call better be important.

I was talking Rory through a very tragic body wax

that nearly cost him a teat.

It is important.

It is Joni Mitchell.

And if we are the 105th caller,

we win front row seats.

Okay, easy does it, gigglicious.

It's not like it's brunch with Cher.

Oh, my God.

Jack: How great would that be?

[mimicking Cher] More huevos rancheros, Jack.

[mouthing] Yes, thank you. Oh, my God!

Oh, uh, yes-- yes, I'll hold. I'm holding.

Oh, God, please, just give me this one thing

and I will dedicate myself completely to thee.

Okay, maybe not completely,

because, you know, I have a life,

but-- but, trust me,

I will make it so worth your while.

Really, God, if you think about it, it's a win-win.

Uh, hi, yes, uh, my name's Will Truman.

I-- I love your radio station. I even have it on speed dial.

They're laughing at me.

Sorry? I'm the 105th caller.

I won.

Uh, could-- could you just hold on for a minute, please?

[squealing]

Uh, yes, I'm back. Truman.

So now what are you gonna do, Grace, huh?

You made a promise to the big girl upstairs.

- What? - I'm talking about the Lord.

Jack, just--

You don't wanna mess with

the Almighty, Grace.

You don't wanna go to he-ell.

You know what heat and sulfur does to your hai-air.

Stop it!

I have every intention of keeping my promise.

Thank you, yeah.

- We won! - I know!

And that's why I'm gonna do something for charity.

- Good for you. - And?

And very good for you.

Will, see, you and I have to do something

to deserve these tickets.

Grace, this is not about miracles or divine intervention.

Okay, I had the skill to be the 105th caller.

No. No, I'm not doing charity.

Look, look, I'm sorry. I'm hung up on this.

So we can either drag this out or we can just shorthand it.

- Shorthand. - Will, do it.

- No. No! - Please. Come on.

Alright.

God, you two are so married.

[theme music]

Jack: My God, Karen, I'm so excited.

I've never been in your closet before.

Well, don't get your hopes up, honey.

You'll just be disappointed.

My God.

If my closet were like this, I never would have come out of it.

Oh, Lord, there's nothing here.

I mean, why do we have to do this.

Hey, Grace hit me up to give clothes to charity, too.

It was hard, but I dug deep,

and I gave away two bags of Will's favorite sport coats.

Yeah, but I mean, look around, Jack.

Well, uh, what could I possibly give away?

What...

I'll take these.

The color really brings out my ass.

Come on, focus. We're not here for you.

We're here for the homeless.

They are so lucky.

I hope they know how lucky they are.

Alright, well, let's just jump in.

Okay, here's a sweater.

Here's a hat. Here's my arm.

Here's my heart! I can't do this!

Karen, of course you can do this.

No, I can't!

It's like giving away your own children.

No, it's harder. You can always have another kid.

But Hermes only made this print once.

Now, give me one good reason

why a man can't go out in a nice pillbox hat.

Hello, reason.

Oh, my God, look, there are actually pills in here.

Come on, put that away and help me out.

Every item has such sentimental value.

I mean... [sighs]

take this dress.

Stan gave it to me on our honeymoon,

and to this day, every time I wear it,

he can't keep his hands off of me.

Sayonara!

You have a phone call.

Hey, don't just barge in here barkin' orders at me.

I'm in the middle of the hardest thing

I've ever had to do!

- It's your pharmacist. - Honey, I have to take this.

It's alright. I can handle it.

Oh, you can handle it? Interesting.

You know, I have spent most of my adult life

and millions of my husband's dollars

learning about fashion.

What are your qualifications, hmm?

Umm, I'm gay.

Oh, honey, what would I do without ya?

You never have to worry about that.

Oh! Eww.

I'll start with the Puccis and Guccis

and work my way to Fioruccis

and Susan Luccis.

[chuckles]

"Once I was lost, but now I am found."

Hi, I'm Grace Adler.

This is my friend, Will Truman.

I called this morning because I believe,

as I'm sure you do, that helping people--

Oh, yes, I remember.

You had me on the phone for 45 minutes.

I get it. You care, you care.

[sneezes]

God bless you.

Oh, ha-ha, I guess...

[laughs]

I guess that's a little redundant.

I mean, of course you're gonna get blessed.

I mean, think of who you're married to.

I mean, think of who your father-in-law is. Whoa, okay.

I'm sorry, I'm a little nervous. I don't know from nuns. I--

We generally ask our volunteers

to put in a minimum of five hours per week.

Five? Yeah, that you know, I--

My schedule is so nuts right now

between work and trying to have a social life, no offense.

I-- I-- I thought maybe it'd be best if I, um--

Will, she does not want your check book charity.

What she wants is us to give of our time.

Oh, you're one of those.

We're willing to do anything for anybody at any time.

As long as it's between 4:00 and 5:30.

4:00 and 6:00.

Well, let's see. What have we got left?

Oh, our community bazaar is this weekend,

and there is an opening on the entertainment committee.

Oh, that's perfect.

Will and I, when-- when we were in college,

we had this little improv group, The Zanies.

- Oh. - Come on, Will.

- We're Zany. - We're Zany.

Okay, I think I should tell you,

you won't be doing the entertaining.

Really? Well, we'll see.

When do we start?

You can start right now. Follow me.

Our production of "Stone Soup" is this Saturday afternoon.

You two can direct the children and narrate the story.

[children shouting]

[gasps] Oh! This is gonna be great.

Kids love me.

Oh.

I'm trying to help!

Okay, we...

We-- we-- we-- we gotta slow down here,

'cause I don't think I can do this.

This is a little more than I bargained for.

Will, come on, you said that you were gonna help.

And I wanna help. Uh, directing a bunch of screaming kids?

Mister, will you save our play?

Let's make magic, people.

Will: And once all the vegetables were in the pot,

the mysterious stranger stirred it into a rolling boil.

And the villagers cheered

because they knew they'd be enjoying

the delicious stone soup that they all made together.

Okay, guys. Say your line.

All: Aw!

No. The other line.

- All: Yay! - Will: Yeah, very good.

Alright! Good one.

Everybody, uh, grab a cookie and gather around.

- Are you two married? - Married? No.

I'm never ever gonna get married. Girls are yucky.

Right back at'cha, Broc.

You read too fast.

You forgot half your lines, Little Miss Roughage.

Grace--

That carrot has been giving me attitude for three days.

If she doesn't watch out, she's gonna end up in a juicer.

- She's six, Nurse Ratchet. - I'm just trying to help!

So don't try so hard. Relax.

Besides, it's all gonna be over in a few hours,

and then tonight, Joni Mitchell!

Oh, my God, I can't wait.

♪ I was a free man in Paris

♪ I was unfettered and alive ♪

Okay, let's, um, let's just leave it to Joni.

What do you think?

I thought you liked my singing.

Huh. Okay.

Now...

this afternoon, remember to speak up

and don't turn your backs to the audience, okay?

And, uh, have a good time,

because it's gonna be the best play ever, right?

All: Right!

And we're all gonna have a lot of fun, right?

Right!

And we're all gonna keep our costumes

nice and clean until then, right?

And then after the show, we're all gonna go out

for ice cream, right?

All: Right!

By the way, we're totally not doin' that.

Okay, now the play starts at five o'clock,

which means everybody should be in their costumes

and ready to go at what time?

Two o'clock.

4:30, exactly.

Wait a minute, children. I have something I need to say.

[coughs]

Oh, that ferkochta flu will be the death of me.

Anyway, since you all have done such a good job,

Father Gallagher has decided

to make the play the finale of tonight's bazaar.

All: Yay!

Be here at 7:30. You go on at 8:00.

All: Yay! - 8:00?

8:00? 8:00? No, no, no, no.

See-- see, we have plans at 8:00.

We have front row seats for Joni Mitchell at 8:00.

So we have to go. Right? I mean, you would do the same thing.

I've never been beyond that fence.

I can't believe this. We're gonna miss Joni Mitchell.

What can we do? We made a commitment.

[sighs]

Yeah, guess you're right.

No one ever said charity was easy.

Yeah.

♪ You know I'd go back there tomorrow ♪

♪ But for the work I've taken on ♪♪

Sweetie, don't make it worse than it already is.

Look at this place. It's virtually empty.

Jack really cleaned me out.

I heard an echo this morning in the fur vault.

Yeah, yeah, you're a giver.

And...

I think we've got a yes. Ha-ha. Yeah.

Doesn't work.

Well, what the hell do you know about fashion?

You're packed in there tighter than a blood sausage.

Hey, you washed up on the shore of this country

in an inner tube, wearing a banana leaf

and a couple of coconuts.

Listen, lady, I flew here

on business class with my Advantage Miles.

Now, take it off, so I can clean it and burn it.

The only thing that's going to get burned is your arm

when I put my cigarette out on it.

Try to remember that the next time you open up your boca!

It's the scarf, isn't it?

It's a cleaner look without.

Okay, yeah...

What about the shoes?

Oh, come on. You even have to ask?

Oh, Miss Karen, you love those shoes like your own husband.

Bite your tongue.

Husbands come and go, but the Chanel slingback is forever.

- Oh! Santa Maria! - Oh!

My slingbacks! They were one of a kind.

What have you done with them?

What have you done with my shoes?

Nobody likes to see you squirm more than I do,

but I would eat the food you provide for me

before I would touch those pumps.

Who could have done such a horrible thing?

Who would be stupid enough to take those pumps?

Now sound it out.

"Mysterious."

What? What are you doin'?

Nothing, I was just-- I was just

giving Megan here some notes on her performance.

- Oh. - I'm gonna be the narrator.

[laughs]

Look, Grace, you're the narrator.

- I know that. - Alright.

You know, I just think that we all should have an understudy.

You know, with the flu going--

- She's going to Joni Mitchell. - I am.

What? You...

Come here.

You dragged me into this,

and now you're going to Joni Mitchell?

I got the tickets, if anyone should be going

to Joni Mitchell, it's me.

How could you be so selfish?

Hey. Hey, Will, come on.

The carrot already knows my part anyway.

Okay, Grace. You wanna go. Go.

Oh, no. You're not gonna lay a guilt trip on me.

- I'm staying. - Good. Stay.

Will, I'm not staying. It's Joni Mitchell.

I can't believe you're doing this, I mean

half-- half an hour before the show.

Oh, come on, it's not like I planned this.

There's a taxi here for Grace Adler.

Okay, that is downright spooky.

I should probably go check on that.

Yeah, run along, go-- go take your

big yellow taxi.

I thought she'd never leave.

Lord, will you look at these people?

Why anybody would choose to be homeless is beyond me.

Karen, nobody chooses to be homeless.

It's because they did something bad.

I can't bear to think of my babies

in a disease-ridden hellhole like this.

Karen, this is a church.

Don't lecture me, Saint Mary,

this is your fault. Just go find my shoes.

Alright, alright.

Jeez.

Excuse me. You must get this all the time.

Are you Mary Todd Lincoln?

No, and you must get this all the time.

Could you take one giant step back? Okay.

- Oh! - Huh!

[both gasp]

I'm so-- I'm so sorry.

I have to ask you, are you the gentleman

who yells obscenities outside Papaya King?

Yeah, that's me.

Oh, I knew it was you. Uh, you're very good.

As an actor, myself, I-- I just-- I just have to ask you,

how do you tap into all that rage?

Try not eating for a week.

Ooh, I wish I had that kind of willpower.

What do you want? What are you after? What are your terms?

- Ten. - One.

- Seven. - Three.

- Yellow. - Wha... Uh, blue.

- Five. - Five?

- Five. - Alright.

Five, it is.

One hundred, two hundred...

Oh, I can't wait. Five whole dollars.

Right, yeah. Five whole dollars.

You drive a hard bargain. Okay.

I don't know how that got in there, but there you go, honey.

Wow. Five dollars. This is my lucky day.

Uh, Crazy?

Make it your lucky year. Come on.

Thanks.

Woo-hoo!

Karen, I saw what you did just there.

You saw nothing.

♪ Karen has a heart

♪ Karen has a heart ♪

Oh, alright. I don't even know why I did it.

Maybe it's like it says in the Bible...

I felt bad because I had no shoes,

but then I met someone who had really bad shoes.

Once upon a time there was a village

where people didn't know the value of giving.

Megan, Megan.

And one day, a muster...

- A meester... - A mysterious.

And one day, a mysterious stra-- stran...

Stra-- stranger.

Grace: And one day,

a mysterious stranger

came to the village

and taught the town folk a valuable lesson.

And that was the story of "Stone Soup."

- When do we bow? - Now.

[applause]

- You guys were great. - Flawless, flawless.

And the Broccoli, Carrot, Radish, fantastic.

Onion, you brought a tear to my eye.

Alright, everybody go say hi to your parents. You were great.

- Good job. - Here you go.

So... What happened?

Well, you know, I was just sittin' there

trying to enjoy the concert, but all I kept thinking about

were the kids and their bright little faces, and...

I was asked to leave the concert for singing too loud...

by Joni.

At least Melissa Manchester had the courtesy to call security.

Anyway, it was-- it was like I had it coming, you know?

Anyway, I'm so glad I got back here, you know,

even though all the kids still hate me.

No!

What?

I don't hate you, Grace.

I like you. I think you're pretty.

Out of the mouths of radishes.

- You do? - Yes.

Oh, that is so sweet. See?

- This makes it all worth it. - Yes.

And when I grow up, I want to have fake hair

just like yours.

Now, that's what makes it all worth it.