Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

So... when's your new lover supposed to get here?

[chuckles]

He's not my lover, it's just a date.

And did you meet lover at lover's lane?

Or did you two make a love connection at the love store

while shopping for love lettuce?

I forgot to tell you that,

uh, your mother phoned and left a message.

I told you, he's not my lover, alright?

It's just... I'm doing a favor.

He's-- he's my mother's dentist's bridge partner's son,

which I guess, technically, makes me... a loser.

Wait a minute. Yup, I got the same thing.

Met him once a long time ago,

and if memory serves, he thinks he's God's gift to gay men.

And if that's true, then God shops at the Newark Airport.

So, where are we taking... lover boy?

Mickey D's, Chuck E. Cheese, KFC?

Hopefully, nowhere. See, Grace and I have a plan.

She's gonna, uh, call me with some big emergency,

and that way I have an out.

It's so nice Grace does these things for you.

- Mm-hmm. - Lucky!

Someday, I hope to have a hag of my very own.

[knock on door]

That's him. How do I look?

I'm turned off and repulsed.

Bonus!

Hey, sexy.

- Hi, Neil. - Ready to get Neiled?

Hey, um, you may wanna stretch.

I know it's been a long time since you've been Neiled.

Later, lovers. [chuckles]

So, can I, uh, get you a drink?

Whoa, slow down. We'll get there, brown eyes.

You're closer than you think.

[telephone rings]

Oh, thank God. Excuse me. Grace, hi. What's up?

I'm at Mount Sinai Hospital with Karen.

Stan's had a heart attack.

Mount Sinai. Oh, my gosh, that's terrible.

I'll be there as soon as I can.

[whispers] Perfect.

A friend of mine just had a heart attack,

so I-- I think we're gonna have to do this another night.

Aw, Neil sad.

[telephone rings] Hello.

Will, I'm not joking here. Stan really is in the ICU.

- Hang on, I'm on my way. - Listen!

Say something hospital.

Uh-- uh, myocardial infarction.

Uh, lime jello and, uh, "That gown goes on the other way."

I'll be right there.

Uh, look, I-- I've gotta go.

Eh, this-- this friend of mine

really is in the ICU.

And later will I see you?

Oh, gee, no.

[theme music]

[instrumental music]

Ugh, this is always the worst part about hospitals,

the waiting.

Well, that and... needles.

Ah.

Don't like needles.

Don't like looking at them,

don't like hearing about them.

You know, I can't even say the name "Ringo"

because he was a Beatle and that sounds like needle.

Hey, hey, how's Stan? What's-- what's goin' on?

We don't know. Karen's been in with the doctors for last hour.

So, what happened?

- She murdered Mr. Stan. - I did not!

Ah, I was redecorating his study

and Stan comes in and asks me if he could help,

so I say, "Sure, would you mind moving the ottoman?"

He does.

The next thing I know, he collapses on the floor.

Ugh.

You lie.

- You should be in jail. - Liar.

Ringo.

Gay ferrets to the waiting area, gay ferrets to the waiting area.

[panting]

How is he? What's going on? What time did you guys get here?

- Why is no one talking? - Would you calm down?

Don't tell me to calm down.

Stan Walker is like a father to me.

If anything ever happened to him, I-- I don't know what I...

Man, there are some really hot doctors in here.

Hey!

We don't have much news yet.

Stan's in the intensive care.

- Through no fault of mine. - Needle.

Well, what about Karen?

I mean, does anybody know how she's doing?

I'm sure she's fine.

If anybody can deal with this, it's Karen.

Where are my husband's pills?

It's been two hours since I asked for them.

Now, you give me Stan's pills at once!

I want those pills! Give me my husband's pills!

I-- I'm sorry, Mrs. Walker. There you go.

Thank you.

Look, um, why don't you guys go on and go home.

I can take it from here. Okay, thanks for driving down.

What?

Well, we all know who Karen's gonna lean on

for emotional support.

The same person she's always leaned on. Her poodle.

No offense, chica, but take your cabeza out of your tuchus.

If Miss Karen falls apart,

you all know who she's gonna come to to pick up the pieces.

Um... I don't think she'll be comin' to anyone

who wears a "Members Only" jacket.

I'm telling you, it's going to be me.

You're the last person she'd go to.

Well, next to Will.

[laughing]

Uh, excuse me, I am her lawyer.

And let's not forget, she came to me

when she was having trouble with her marriage.

She came to me when she needed to do her will.

She even came to me about a drinking problem.

You're kidding?

Well, she was out of gin.

But the-- the point is,

she came to me then and she will come to me now.

You think so?

Yes, I do.

Care to make it interesting?

[instrumental music]

Mrs. Walker, I have some news about your husband.

Give it to me straight, doc.

Am I looking at a future filled with loneliness

and memories of better days, or is Stan gonna die?

Mrs. Walker, the test results came back

and it seems your husband didn't have a heart attack at all.

Oh, thank God.

But rather acute angina.

[chuckles]

You've got a lot of nerve

comin' on to me while my husband is dying.

Wow.

Uh, no, no, Mrs. Walker. Angina, it...

You know, he's gonna be fine.

Which is good news for us,

but I'm not entirely sure how your friends are gonna react.

What are you talking about, Dr. Huxtable?

You know, they're out there taking bets

to see which one you're gonna break down to first.

Those pigs are making bets on

when I'm gonna turn on the waterworks?

Would you like me to tell your friends the news?

Let's wait on that for a little bit.

I've got a better idea. [scoffs]

[laughing]

Okay. So, just so we're clear.

The breakdown must include tears of emotional pain only.

No pulling hair, no punching.

And, of course, no tiny pinches.

Wait a minute, you guys.

Are we being gross?

No, we're not being gross.

I mean, besides, it's either this

or 15 hours of reading "Highlights Magazine."

Now really, how many times can you find a toaster in a tree?

Come on, are you in or you out?

I mean, we know you're out, but are you in?

- Can I borrow a hundred? - Sure.

I'm in for fifty.

- Grace, you in? - Yes, I'm in.

I'm in shock is what I'm in.

You could bet less.

No!

How about a little compassion? How about a little selflessness?

Grace, can I see you for a minute?

- I'm in. - Will: Hey!

I can't believe this.

I was sure it was gonna be me.

I was having fun at the hospital.

Now my whole evening is ruined.

Hey, cheeks.

And now the fun is back.

Hi, Karen.

Look, I just wanted you to know that if...

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

What is-- what is that on the table?

What is that? Is-- is that a needle?

Is that just somebody's needle

just-- just out there in the open?

It's a chopstick, you loon. It came with my lunch.

Oh.

Anyway, um, I just-- I just wanted you to know that

that if you need to talk

or share anything, I'm here for you.

Grace, we've been working together for what, eleven years?

- Eighteen months. - Seems longer.

And you know me better than anyone,

so, naturally, I want to open up to you, but I...

Karen, what... what is it? What do you need?

It's Stan.

He needs blood for a bypass,

and he needs it drawn slowly by a large, pointy needle.

Um, um, I-- I doubt that-- that I would even match.

I've-- I've got, um, a very rare blood type.

I'm sure it'll be fine.

- What type do they need? - What type do you have?

- What type do they need? - What type do you have?

- Um, AB-negative. - That's the type they need.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Jack: What'd I miss? - Stan needs a bypass.

[gasps]

Grace is donating blood. I don't know how she's gonna do it.

I forgot she's terrified of needles.

- [sighs] Poor girl. - Will: Yeah.

- So, is the bet still on? - Oh, yeah. Come on

Hi, everybody.

All: Hey!

We don't really know anything yet.

They're running some tests, but the doctors feel...

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I need to talk to...

Ja...

Will...

Rosario. Where's my Rosie?

I'm here.

You want to talk with me about it?

Yeah. Yes, I do, Rosie.

I'm just so worried about Stan.

I...

No, I can't. I...

Come on, let it out.

Okay, uh... Ow! Did you just pinch me?

[exhales]

I just feel like I have so much emotion

just bottled up inside of me, and if I don't let it out,

I'll just... I'll...

No, it's too filthy in here. I can't...

What?

Well, this place, it's so dirty.

I mean, the stench of Medicaid

and thermometer lubricant, it's ugh.

You want me to clean the hospital?

Well, just as much as you can get done.

And while you're at it, why don't you take a look around

and see what a real hospital corner looks like.

Okay? Now, shift it!

[instrumental music]

Okay, Miss Adler.

This is Nurse Trainee Pittman. She'll be taking your blood.

I like your hair.

Whoa. Whoa, her?

Uh, is-- isn't-- isn't there someone else

who is a little more experienced?

Someone who didn't drive in on a big wheel?

Oh, I don't drive.

I keep taking the test over and over again,

but I'm all, "This is hard."

Now, I don't want you to worry, 'cause Nurse Pittman

is one of our finest trainees,

and I'm gonna be here with you the whole time.

[pager beeping]

Sweet, my new Jag's here.

Don't worry, ma'am.

I've done this bunches of times.

Mostly on oranges, but...

Okay, I have a-- I have a little problem with that,

because, you see, I'm not an orange!

Okay, I'm...

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I-- I can't do this.

Honey, I can't tell you what this means to me.

[instrumental music]

[gasps] Poodle.

Oh, Karen, what's the matter?

Jack, I'm so worried. I keep thinking about Stan.

Oh, I know, I know. I keep thinking about him, too.

Was that a tear? Did I win? I mean, I'm sorry. Are you okay?

Honey, if Stan goes,

I'm afraid we're gonna have to give up

a lot of the luxuries that we've come to enjoy.

Hey, lady, as long as we've got each other

I don't care about that other stuff.

No.

What luxuries, exactly?

[instrumental music]

Now, you may want to have

a donut and some juice first.

First?

Isn't it supposed to be after?

Wait. After? After!

Dumb, dumb, dummy!

What are you, what are you doing?

Karen's making me cut up my credit cards.

I just wanted to say goodbye.

Goodbye, visa.

You were everywhere I wanted to be.

Diner's Club.

Didn't really know what you were good for, but...

I'll still miss you just the same.

And Amex Platinum.

I think I'll miss you most of all.

Need a tissue, buddy?

I'm okay.

Maybe I should get Karen one.

You know, 'cause when-- when you were talking to her,

you really opened her up emo...

Oh, no. Actually, that was you blubbering like a little girl.

I'm sorry.

You see, this is why she hasn't come to you.

"Hello, my name is Will. I have no human emotions.

"I am made of only metal, wires and fat.

Bloogy-bloogy-bloogy-bloogy."

For your information,

my job is dealing with people in crisis,

and I'm particularly good at it.

Why?

Because I have a sixth sense

about when people are in trouble.

And yet she still hasn't come to you. Hmm, interesting.

Why do you think that is, arrogancia?

Will, can I see you in here for a minute?

Go with that. I really think you're on to something.

Karen, did you-- did you want to see me?

Honey, I...

I know we haven't gotten along very well in the past.

And?

That's it. Your turn.

Look, I...

- You must be exhausted, but-- - Karen: Yeah.

I just want you to know that... I'm not just your lawyer.

I'm-- I'm a human being,

you know, with a-- with an ear and a shoulder.

And a heart as big as all get-out.

- Hey, cowboy. - Get out!

You know, take a hint.

I don't dig you, okay?

Okay, okay. You don't have to tell Neil twice.

Apparently, you do. Get out!

I'm sorry. Where were we?

Honey, who was that?

[instrumental music]

Wha-- what I did for love.

I just wanted to say thank you

for being my first patient.

Ow, ow, ow, ow. Let go, let go, let go, let go!

You need a sports bra to run this thing.

So what would you like to do to Neil first?

Well, the first thing is a surprise,

but the second thing is bury you.

Ooh, hot.

Hmm.

Can I see you for a minute?

She was look-- she was looking right at me.

Hold on, hold on.

I just want to tell you that Stan is fine.

- What? - There never was any surgery.

The doctor says he only has a little angina.

Wow.

What a time to find out your husband's a hermaphrodite.

So you were just playing with us

when we're trying to help you?

By competing to see who I would show my weakness to?

- Karen, you're right. I-- - Bah-bah-ka-ta-ta-bah-bah.

You played with me and you lost.

Let that be a lesson to you.

I think you forgot, kiddies,

Karen Walker doesn't do emotions.

Now get the hell out of here.

Rosaria: So, who wins the money?

Nobody. We, uh, split it back up again.

Rosaria: [sighs] Okay.

- It's gone! - Will: What? Who... Jack!

[instrumental music]

Ms. Walker, I meant to give you that earlier.

It's some of your husband's personal effects.

Thanks, doc.

So you must feel pretty good.

Your husband's gonna be fine.

You two really dodged a bullet today.

Oh, believe me, honey, he's so happy to be alive,

I'm gonna be dodgin' it all night.

Oh, Stanley...

you and your pudgy little fingers.

Karen, I just want to apolo...

Oh, um.

- Um-- um, I'll leave. - No. No, don't.

You want me to stay?

I thought I was gonna lose him, Grace.

It's funny, you know?

We go through life pretty much alone, and then one day

you meet someone and you hit it off.

You have some laughs, some tenderness, and then,

after a dozen Cosmos

and a private dick's review of his liquid assets,

wham, you're married.

Then, as quickly as it came, it's taken away.

But, but nothing's been taken away. Stan's fine.

Yeah, but someday he might not be.

What do I do then?

That man is everything to me.

Maybe that's the blessing that's come out of all of this.

You know, having Stan almost...

You know...

Made you realize just how much love you've got for him.

I guess that's the trick,

to remember that love and-- and to show it to him every day.

You're right.

Maybe I'll give him a little booby later.

That sounds very romantic.

Thank you, Grace.

Okay.

Does this mean you forgive me?

Yeah, you're off the hook.

Just as long as nobody finds out about this.

About what?

That's my girl.

I'll call you tomorrow.

Karen: Oh, Grace, uh...

As long as we're bein' all warm and fuzzy here...

you know how I always get on your case

about the way you dress and the way you do your hair?

Uh-huh.

Well, really...

when are you gonna do somethin' about it?