Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

I don't know how these'll be. I had to try a different deli.

I'm so bummed they closed down our old place.

I loved it there. Stinkin' Board of Health.

Okay, Grace. What's going on with that necklace?

Josh gave it to me. It's a Chinese serenity symbol.

It means "Earth and air united as one."

We have, uh, a similar symbol in-- in my culture.

It's called "Cheap little stone hanging on a string."

Don't give me the face. It's cute.

We're glad you're seeing someone. Kumbaya.

Good news, Will. Jackie!

- Benji! - Hey.

Hey, whoa-whoa-whoa. Jack, what are you doing?

Truman, come on. It's two men kissing. Don't get so uptight.

It-- it's not that, it's just...

When did Earth and airhead unite as one?

Shello, do you think you're the only one who uses this office?

- Hey, Grace. - Hello, Mr. Doucette.

Ooh, ice, ice, baby.

Okay, Ben, I know we've had our differences in the past.

I decorated your place, you didn't like it.

You're crazy, you didn't want to pay. I sued, I won.

But who even remembers all that?

Hmm. Who, indeed?

What I'm saying is, I am perfectly willing

to put it all behind us

if you will just give me a simple "I'm sorry."

That's all, a little gesture.

So, Will... this is your lucky day.

I've found someone I think you should go out with.

- He'll take him. - Uh, no, no, no.

I-- I don't know, blind dates--

Now, now, trust me. He's perfect for you.

He'll take him.

S-- slow down there, trigger.

Look, what-- what makes him perfect?

- He's gay. - He'll take him.

You're fixing me up with a guy just because both of us are gay?

As I said, I'm past all this.

I'm just giving you the opportunity

to clear your conscience.

Little, tiny, two words.

Here's his card.

He's an old poker buddy of mine.

Call him. Why, do you want to be celibate the rest of your life?

Thank you.

Ben, it-- it-- it's not that I don't appreciate it.

It's just that it's a little weird.

You're my boss.

It makes me feel... kind of obligated.

Good. See ya, Jackie.

Living you, loving you, living you.

Grace, always a pleasure.

Wow. The man cannot let go of anything.

You know what? You know, no, I'm not gonna do this.

I mean, blind dates are a nightmare.

Always ends up being with some guy who keeps yapping on

about his two cats, while I spend the whole night

trying to figure out a way to get out of there

by faking my own death.

Excuse me, Mother Superior.

It just so happens that I've met many

fine young lovelies on blind dates.

Talking about blind dates, not blindfolded dates.

[theme music]

[instrumental music]

[sighs]

Can I get you anything to drink?

Uh, yeah, I'll... Let me have a martini.

Oh, and look, uh, since you're gonna be our waiter,

um, could you do me a favor?

Could you be extremely rude and rush us through our meal?

Interrupt us and don't offer us any dessert.

- Blind date? - Oh, yeah.

No problem.

[whistling]

[whistling]

Charlie: Excuse me.

Um, I don't mean to sound critical,

but I think your breadstick's a bit out of tune.

Well, that makes sense because it's... flatbread.

- I hope you're Will. - I am Will.

I'm Charlie.

[mimics Scottish accent] By the way, I'm finding your

Scottish brogue particularly appropriate for this venue.

[American accent] Thanks a lot, dude.

I love your accent, too.

[laughing]

Thanks for walking me back to work.

Whoa, got skirt?

Oh, I almost forgot. I have a-- another gift for you.

Oh, Josh, you don't to keep giving me--

I saw this rock on Ninth Avenue and it reminded me of you.

Beauty in an unlikely place.

Oh, thanks. It's-- it's, um...

Josh, I don't think it's a rock.

I think it's gum.

Speaking of things you scrape off your shoe, get outta here!

So where do you want to have dinner tonight?

Wherever you want.

Okay, but-- but what are you in the mood for?

Grace, I just want to be with you,

so it really doesn't matter.

Oh, Josh.

Why doesn't this chair come with an air sickness bag?

You know, Karen,

there's a pressure point at the base of your neck.

I could work on it to help you release some of that anger.

Lay one paw on me, and you'll be pickin' up

two other rocks on Ninth Avenue.

Karen, don't make me get the hose.

Josh, I'll see you later.

- I wish it were later. - I know you do.

[chuckles]

Mm-mmm.

Oh, you kissed my third eye.

[laughs]

Save it. I know what you're gonna say.

"Oh, he makes me sick."

"I would barf, but that would be a waste of perfectly good puke."

"Mah-mah-mah, mah-mah-mah, mah-mah!"

Honey, what is this? Who are you? What are you doin'?

Look, Josh may not be perfect,

but he happens to be a really, really great guy.

Okay, he could be stronger, a little more decisive.

He could go five minutes without saying "I love you."

[phone rings]

Grace Adler... Thanks, Josh. You, too.

But you can't change people, so--

See, now, that's where you're wrong.

Men are like dogs. You can either neuter 'em or train 'em.

Now, go, go. Move, move, mo-o-o-ve, mo-o-o-ve.

Now, you tell me what it is you don't like

about the talented Mister Wimpley...

and I'll tell you how to change it.

Okay. He takes pictures of me sleeping.

He thinks that's beautiful.

To me, it's a little...

"The call is coming from inside the house."

Easy squeezy.

It's all about communication.

You want to just sit him down and you say,

"Honey, you take one more picture like that"

"and... I'm not gonna have sex with you anymore."

Huh? Yeah? How about that?

[chuckles]

[laughs]

- Withhold sex? - Karen: Ah.

That's your technique.

[squeals] No. That-- that's ridiculous.

Oh, and please tell me that's not how you train your dog.

[sighs]

Alright, alright, alright, fine.

Different approach. Give me another example. Come on.

Okay, every time we go out to dinner,

I'm the one who has to pick the restaurant.

How come he can't make a decision?

Simple pimple. Again, it's communication.

You sit him down and you say,

"Josh, if you don't pick a restaurant

I'm not gonna have sex with you anymore."

I can't say that.

Well, of course you can, honey. Come on, say it.

"I'm not gonna have sex with you."

- No-- - Come on.

"I'm not gonna have sex with you."

"I'm not going to have sex with you."

"I am not going to have sex with you!"

I'll have sex with you.

[instrumental music]

Mr. Doucette called from the car.

He wanted you to know that he's a half an hour away.

Okay.

That was about 28 minutes ago.

Truman.

Thanks for the heads-up.

Nice work closing the Kinnally deal.

I thank you, and my house in the Hamptons thanks you.

[Will chuckles]

Oh, and I want to play racquetball

with you at 6 o'clock.

Will: Well, I should warn you, Ben.

I am a pretty serious racquetball player.

I never lose.

Until today.

Good man.

Oh, uh, by the way, Ben... curious.

Y-- you didn't happen to hear from Charlie, did you?

Yeah. I talked to him this morning.

Oh... thought he might be out of town,

'cause, uh, it's been three days since we had dinner,

and I-- I hadn't heard from him.

Three days? Wow.

Guess I misjudged you.

Whoa, whoa. What does... [chuckles] What does that mean?

Well, I just thought it would work between you two. It didn't.

But you said you misjudged me.

Look, uh, Will, I don't know how it works in a gay relationship,

but let me tell you how it works with me.

Say I go out with a woman.

Now, right away, you know she's attractive,

but I mean stunning.

She's having a fantastic time.

Why wouldn't she? Look at me.

Does it hurt your back to kiss your own ass like that?

You get one of those a year, Will.

Now, great date for her, so-so date for me.

So at this point, I do a cost-benefit analysis.

Is the cost of pursuing this relationship worth the benefits

I will accrue from furthering it?

What exactly are you saying?

You're a lousy date, Will. Later.

Wait, whoa!

I am not a lousy date.

I happen to be a killer date.

I have a great sense of humor,

I'm a lot of fun, I-- I make a decent income,

Could be better, we'll talk.

And, uh, I've been told by more than one man

that I am, uh... well, hot.

Did he call you?

Did he... What did... D-- did... No.

Will, I understand.

I just knocked the wind out of your sails.

You can barely make it through the day.

And?

And I'll see you on the courts at 6:00.

And I must warn you, I'm very limber.

I can kiss my own ass.

[instrumental music]

[sighs]

[sniffs]

Oh.

Coffee?

So I tried your technique last night.

So tell me already before I lose my morning buzz.

Okay, we had a perfectly nice dinner

at a Chinese restaurant, I chose.

Josh then presented me with a beautiful leaf

he found in Central Park.

- Puke. - I know.

We ended up at a video store. "Josh, what do you want to see?"

"I don't care, sweetie."

"As long as I'm in bed watching it with you,

I'm happy."

- Barf. - I know.

Cut to, we are back at the apartment, making out,

clothes are coming off, he's gettin' excited--

Come on, puke and barf!

Skip to when you put the lid on the honey pot. Come on.

So I pull away. He says, "What?"

And then we get into the whole thing.

The new ageyness, the indecisiveness,

the leaves, the rocks.

I didn't want to say it, but before I knew it

the words were coming out of my mouth.

"Josh, things have to change or I'm not having sex with you!"

- Ah! You didn't! - I did!

- Was he shocked? - He was floored.

- I am good. - Yes, you are.

- So what did he say? - He dumped me!

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

- I need to talk. - I need to talk.

- Good. - Good.

What are you doing?

We always go to your apartment.

Because your apartment smells like asparagus and shoes.

- Right behind ya. - Mm.

Before we get into this, let's be clear.

All I really want is for you to listen and tell me I'm right.

- That's all I want from you. - Good. Okay.

It's been three days since my date with Charlie.

He hasn't called. Now Ben says it's because I'm a lousy date.

Ha-ha-ha-ha, I'm laughing. Me-- me? A lousy...

I think he's a lousy date for not calling me, right?

Sure. Okay, my turn.

[sighs] Okay, Josh is a great guy.

I really like him, but there are things about him

that could stand to be improved.

I try to improve them by withholding sex.

And what does he do? He dumps me. He's a fool, right?

Yeah. Me, now.

I mean, guys always call me back the next day.

Why? Because I got it goin' on, right?

[laughs] It's so on.

Anyway, I had every right to do what I did,

and as far as I'm concerned, it's Josh's loss.

- Yeah. We're great. - I mean, we're fine.

They're the ones who are messed up.

- Mm-hmm. - I feel better.

- Me, too. - Ah!

Ah.

Why didn't Charlie call? I'm a bad date!

Withholding sex, I'm a freakin' idiot!

[instrumental music]

Welcome to the Jack McFarland Date Clinic.

Now, let's go to zero.

And the date begins now. Hi.

- Hi. - Okay, let's stop right there.

First of all, why would you choose to wear your fat jeans

on a blind date?

These are not my fat...

I don't have fat jeans because I'm not fat!

Why did I ever think this was a good idea?

Because I'm an expert.

Will, I go on literally thousands of dates a year.

That doesn't make you an expert, that makes you an escort.

Any particular reason we had to come back here?

Hello, scene of the crime.

We have to retrace your steps to find out

where exactly you went wrong.

Now, let's start again.

- Hi, I'm Jack McFarland. - I'm Will Truman.

- Okay, stop. - Come on!

Wha-- what could I have done wrong? I just said my name.

It-- it-- it doesn't work. Will Truman.

It's-- it's not, it's... It's a turn-off.

Um, what about...

Mary Fatjeans?

- Buh-bye. - Okay, I'm sorry.

Hey, I'm sorry, sorry.

Just givin' you a little rough love.

Look, I know you're in the dark, lady.

[sighs] But the truth is, you're a bit of a catch.

Any guy would kill to be standing

where I'm standing right now.

Thanks, Jack.

You will now forget everything I've just said.

You didn't hypnotize me, you monkey.

Didn't I?

Now, back to zero.

[Will sighs]

Your date is now becoming very bored with you.

You can't afford to be coy.

Why not show some interest by touching me gently,

yet... inappropriately?

[clears throat]

There you go, very good.

Ow!

- What was that? I-- - Okay, let-- let-- let's--

Let's go back to zero.

[instrumental music]

[telephone rings]

[ringing continues]

Answer it!

Hello? Uh...

Honey, you scared me. What's the name of the company again?

- [sighs] Grace Adler Designs. - [whispers] Right.

Grace Adler Designs. Uh... Oh, hi, pharmacist.

N-- no, honey, I don't need anything for the weekend.

Unless the FDA's approved somethin' new...

Uh... Oh, terrif. Send me a bottle.

Yeah, uh, actually, make it two.

Yeah, we're taking family portraits this weekend.

Okay. Uh-huh. Okay.

Send my best to Lorraine and the kids. Kisses.

If you're finished violating federal law...

do you think you could bring me those sketches

I asked for... two weeks ago?

Honey, don't start with that, or I'm gonna go after those pants.

Listen, I know that you're still mad at me

about what happened with Josh,

but when you think about it, really, honey,

shouldn't you be mad at yourself for taking advice

from somebody who was probably half in the bag at the time?

So really, I shouldn't be listening to you now.

Oh... Probably not.

Oh, I don't know. Maybe it's all for the best.

I mean, I really like Josh, but...

But maybe he's not what I need.

I mean, I need a guy who has-- has more of an edge,

who's a little tougher, and clearly, that's not him.

I want to talk to you!

Josh, I was just talking about--

You're not talkin' right now. I'm talking.

I went home the other night, very upset.

No, more than upset. I-- I-- I couldn't even meditate.

I'm thinkin', "Why is Grace acting like this?"

"She's not manipulative, she's not callous."

"Where the hell did she get this behavior?"

And then it hit me. She got it from you!

[gasps]

You, a-- a woman who thinks an act of kindness

is letting her step-kid have the fruit out of her whiskey sour.

You know what, there's only one thing worse

than advising someone to use sex as a bargaining chip,

and that's taking that advice.

I mean, maybe I have taken one too many

stress management courses, okay?

Okay? Maybe I should lower my dosage of St. John's Wort.

Whatever!

But I like myself and I'm not gonna change for anyone.

I would gladly work out problems with you,

but if you want to continue in this relationship...

you take me... as I am.

- Oh, Josh! - Back off!

[instrumental music]

Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa. Slow down there, cowboy.

A gentleman always eats like a lady.

Okay?

And this is probably a good time to compliment your date.

Tell me my eyes are pretty.

The bug eye or the other one.

Okay, see, this arrogance is probably why your date

with Charlie didn't work out.

- I am not arrogant. - Yes, you are.

You've been acting superior to me all evening.

That is not arrogance, that's scientific fact.

Plus, we had a great date.

You know, we-- we-- we-- we laughed.

He should have called me.

You see, there it is again. Oh...

And what's behind that arrogance?

A layer of fat, then fear.

Fear rolled in fat, wrapped in arrogance.

I am not arrogant and I am not afraid.

Oh, then why don't you call him?

What, could it be fear of rejection?

Of-- of starting over?

Of opening yourself up to someone else?

- What? - I think you may have a point.

For real?

Wow.

In spite of your trying to help, Jack, you've actually... helped.

You know, I appreciate how much you care--

Shut up. I totally made out with that bartender.

Uh, hi. Uh, Ch-- Charlie, it's-- it's Truman, Will Truman.

And I really didn't mean to say that

in a-- in a "Bond, James Bond" kind of way.

Uh, I'm sorry I-- I didn't call sooner

but... you're here.

Hello.

So, call me when you get home.

[chuckles]

Uh, hi, what are you doing here?

Well, it's the only place in town that serves gray meat.

Reminds me of home.

[chuckles]

What do you mean you don't remember me?

The-- the glitter on my face, the Barbarella costume?

Ugh!

[instrumental music]

Mr. Doucette wants to see you.

- When? - Truman.

Now.

So, word on the street is you're not such a bad second date.

Yeah, I guess I just need to work on my first date skills.

Were we supposed to play today?

No, no, I found another partner.

Someone who's not gonna show me up on the court.

What are you talkin' about? I lost.

Not by enough.

Come on, Ben. Let's skidooch.

I'm on a shezule.