All language subtitles for Will & Grace (1998) - S02E15 - Advise and Resent 1080p WEBDL h264 AAC 2.0

[instrumental music]

I don't know how these'll be.
I had to try a different deli.

I'm so bummed they closed down
our old place.

I loved it there.
Stinkin' Board of Health.

Okay, Grace. What's going on
with that necklace?

Josh gave it to me.
It's a Chinese serenity symbol.

It means "Earth and air
united as one."

We have, uh, a similar symbol
in-- in my culture.

It's called "Cheap little stone
hanging on a string."

Don't give me the face.
It's cute.

We're glad you're seeing
someone. Kumbaya.

Good news, Will. Jackie!

- Benji!
- Hey.

Hey, whoa-whoa-whoa.
Jack, what are you doing?

Truman, come on. It's two men
kissing. Don't get so uptight.

It-- it's not that, it's just...

When did Earth and airhead
unite as one?

Shello, do you think you're the
only one who uses this office?

- Hey, Grace.
- Hello, Mr. Doucette.

Ooh, ice, ice, baby.

Okay, Ben, I know we've had
our differences in the past.

I decorated your place,
you didn't like it.

You're crazy, you didn't want
to pay. I sued, I won.

But who even remembers all that?

Hmm. Who, indeed?

What I'm saying is,
I am perfectly willing

to put it all behind us

if you will just give me
a simple "I'm sorry."

That's all, a little gesture.

So, Will... this is
your lucky day.

I've found someone I think
you should go out with.

- He'll take him.
- Uh, no, no, no.

I-- I don't know, blind dates--

Now, now, trust me.
He's perfect for you.

He'll take him.

S-- slow down there, trigger.

Look, what-- what
makes him perfect?

- He's gay.
- He'll take him.

You're fixing me up with a guy
just because both of us are gay?

As I said, I'm past all this.

I'm just giving you
the opportunity

to clear your conscience.

Little, tiny, two words.

Here's his card.

He's an old poker buddy of mine.

Call him. Why, do you want to be
celibate the rest of your life?

Thank you.

Ben, it-- it-- it's not that
I don't appreciate it.

It's just that
it's a little weird.

You're my boss.

It makes me feel...
kind of obligated.

Good. See ya, Jackie.

Living you, loving you,
living you.

Grace, always a pleasure.

Wow. The man cannot
let go of anything.

You know what? You know,
no, I'm not gonna do this.

I mean, blind dates
are a nightmare.

Always ends up being with
some guy who keeps yapping on

about his two cats,
while I spend the whole night

trying to figure out
a way to get out of there

by faking my own death.

Excuse me, Mother Superior.

It just so happens
that I've met many

fine young lovelies
on blind dates.

Talking about blind dates,
not blindfolded dates.

[theme music]

[instrumental music]

[sighs]

Can I get you anything to drink?

Uh, yeah, I'll...
Let me have a martini.

Oh, and look, uh, since you're
gonna be our waiter,

um, could you do me a favor?

Could you be extremely rude
and rush us through our meal?

Interrupt us and don't
offer us any dessert.

- Blind date?
- Oh, yeah.

No problem.

[whistling]

[whistling]

Charlie: Excuse me.

Um, I don't mean
to sound critical,

but I think your breadstick's
a bit out of tune.

Well, that makes sense
because it's... flatbread.

- I hope you're Will.
- I am Will.

I'm Charlie.

[mimics Scottish accent]
By the way, I'm finding your

Scottish brogue particularly
appropriate for this venue.

[American accent]
Thanks a lot, dude.

I love your accent, too.

[laughing]

Thanks for walking me
back to work.

Whoa, got skirt?

Oh, I almost forgot. I have
a-- another gift for you.

Oh, Josh, you don't
to keep giving me--

I saw this rock on Ninth Avenue
and it reminded me of you.

Beauty in an unlikely place.

Oh, thanks.
It's-- it's, um...

Josh, I don't think it's a rock.

I think it's gum.

Speaking of things you scrape
off your shoe, get outta here!

So where do you want
to have dinner tonight?

Wherever you want.

Okay, but-- but what are you
in the mood for?

Grace, I just want
to be with you,

so it really doesn't matter.

Oh, Josh.

Why doesn't this chair come
with an air sickness bag?

You know, Karen,

there's a pressure point
at the base of your neck.

I could work on it to help you
release some of that anger.

Lay one paw on me,
and you'll be pickin' up

two other rocks on Ninth Avenue.

Karen, don't make me
get the hose.

Josh, I'll see you later.

- I wish it were later.
- I know you do.

[chuckles]

Mm-mmm.

Oh, you kissed my third eye.

[laughs]

Save it. I know what
you're gonna say.

"Oh, he makes me sick."

"I would barf, but that would be
a waste of perfectly good puke."

"Mah-mah-mah, mah-mah-mah,
mah-mah!"

Honey, what is this?
Who are you? What are you doin'?

Look, Josh may not be perfect,

but he happens to be a really,
really great guy.

Okay, he could be stronger,
a little more decisive.

He could go five minutes without
saying "I love you."

[phone rings]

Grace Adler...
Thanks, Josh. You, too.

But you can't
change people, so--

See, now, that's where
you're wrong.

Men are like dogs. You can
either neuter 'em or train 'em.

Now, go, go. Move, move,
mo-o-o-ve, mo-o-o-ve.

Now, you tell me what
it is you don't like

about the talented
Mister Wimpley...

and I'll tell you
how to change it.

Okay. He takes pictures
of me sleeping.

He thinks that's beautiful.

To me, it's a little...

"The call is coming
from inside the house."

Easy squeezy.

It's all about communication.

You want to just sit him down
and you say,

"Honey, you take one more
picture like that"

"and... I'm not gonna have
sex with you anymore."

Huh? Yeah? How about that?

[chuckles]

[laughs]

- Withhold sex?
- Karen: Ah.

That's your technique.

[squeals] No.
That-- that's ridiculous.

Oh, and please tell me that's
not how you train your dog.

[sighs]

Alright, alright, alright, fine.

Different approach. Give me
another example. Come on.

Okay, every time
we go out to dinner,

I'm the one who has to
pick the restaurant.

How come he can't
make a decision?

Simple pimple.
Again, it's communication.

You sit him down and you say,

"Josh, if you don't
pick a restaurant

I'm not gonna have
sex with you anymore."

I can't say that.

Well, of course you can, honey.
Come on, say it.

"I'm not gonna have
sex with you."

- No--
- Come on.

"I'm not gonna have
sex with you."

"I'm not going to have sex
with you."

"I am not going to have sex
with you!"

I'll have sex with you.

[instrumental music]

Mr. Doucette called
from the car.

He wanted you to know that
he's a half an hour away.

Okay.

That was about 28 minutes ago.

Truman.

Thanks for the heads-up.

Nice work closing
the Kinnally deal.

I thank you, and my house
in the Hamptons thanks you.

[Will chuckles]

Oh, and I want to
play racquetball

with you at 6 o'clock.

Will: Well, I should
warn you, Ben.

I am a pretty serious
racquetball player.

I never lose.

Until today.

Good man.

Oh, uh, by the way,
Ben... curious.

Y-- you didn't happen to hear
from Charlie, did you?

Yeah. I talked to him
this morning.

Oh... thought he might be
out of town,

'cause, uh, it's been three days
since we had dinner,

and I-- I hadn't heard from him.

Three days? Wow.

Guess I misjudged you.

Whoa, whoa. What does...
[chuckles] What does that mean?

Well, I just thought it would
work between you two. It didn't.

But you said you misjudged me.

Look, uh, Will, I don't know how
it works in a gay relationship,

but let me tell you
how it works with me.

Say I go out with a woman.

Now, right away,
you know she's attractive,

but I mean stunning.

She's having a fantastic time.

Why wouldn't she? Look at me.

Does it hurt your back
to kiss your own ass like that?

You get one of those a year,
Will.

Now, great date for her,
so-so date for me.

So at this point, I do
a cost-benefit analysis.

Is the cost of pursuing this
relationship worth the benefits

I will accrue from
furthering it?

What exactly are you saying?

You're a lousy date, Will.
Later.

Wait, whoa!

I am not a lousy date.

I happen to be a killer date.

I have a great sense of humor,

I'm a lot of fun, I-- I make
a decent income,

Could be better, we'll talk.

And, uh, I've been
told by more than one man

that I am, uh... well, hot.

Did he call you?

Did he... What did...
D-- did... No.

Will, I understand.

I just knocked the wind
out of your sails.

You can barely make it
through the day.

And?

And I'll see you
on the courts at 6:00.

And I must warn you,
I'm very limber.

I can kiss my own ass.

[instrumental music]

[sighs]

[sniffs]

Oh.

Coffee?

So I tried your technique
last night.

So tell me already before I lose
my morning buzz.

Okay, we had
a perfectly nice dinner

at a Chinese restaurant,
I chose.

Josh then presented me
with a beautiful leaf

he found in Central Park.

- Puke.
- I know.

We ended up at a video store.
"Josh, what do you want to see?"

"I don't care, sweetie."

"As long as I'm in bed
watching it with you,

I'm happy."

- Barf.
- I know.

Cut to, we are back at
the apartment, making out,

clothes are coming off,
he's gettin' excited--

Come on, puke and barf!

Skip to when you put the lid on
the honey pot. Come on.

So I pull away.
He says, "What?"

And then we get
into the whole thing.

The new ageyness,
the indecisiveness,

the leaves, the rocks.

I didn't want to say it,
but before I knew it

the words were coming
out of my mouth.

"Josh, things have to change
or I'm not having sex with you!"

- Ah! You didn't!
- I did!

- Was he shocked?
- He was floored.

- I am good.
- Yes, you are.

- So what did he say?
- He dumped me!

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

- I need to talk.
- I need to talk.

- Good.
- Good.

What are you doing?

We always go to your apartment.

Because your apartment smells
like asparagus and shoes.

- Right behind ya.
- Mm.

Before we get into this,
let's be clear.

All I really want is for you to
listen and tell me I'm right.

- That's all I want from you.
- Good. Okay.

It's been three days since
my date with Charlie.

He hasn't called. Now Ben says
it's because I'm a lousy date.

Ha-ha-ha-ha, I'm laughing.
Me-- me? A lousy...

I think he's a lousy date
for not calling me, right?

Sure. Okay, my turn.

[sighs]
Okay, Josh is a great guy.

I really like him, but there are
things about him

that could stand to be improved.

I try to improve them
by withholding sex.

And what does he do?
He dumps me. He's a fool, right?

Yeah. Me, now.

I mean, guys always call me back
the next day.

Why? Because I got it
goin' on, right?

[laughs]
It's so on.

Anyway, I had every right
to do what I did,

and as far as I'm concerned,
it's Josh's loss.

- Yeah. We're great.
- I mean, we're fine.

They're the ones
who are messed up.

- Mm-hmm.
- I feel better.

- Me, too.
- Ah!

Ah.

Why didn't Charlie call?
I'm a bad date!

Withholding sex,
I'm a freakin' idiot!

[instrumental music]

Welcome to the Jack McFarland
Date Clinic.

Now, let's go to zero.

And the date begins now. Hi.

- Hi.
- Okay, let's stop right there.

First of all, why would you
choose to wear your fat jeans

on a blind date?

These are not my fat...

I don't have fat jeans
because I'm not fat!

Why did I ever think
this was a good idea?

Because I'm an expert.

Will, I go on literally
thousands of dates a year.

That doesn't make you an expert,
that makes you an escort.

Any particular reason we had to
come back here?

Hello, scene of the crime.

We have to retrace your steps
to find out

where exactly you went wrong.

Now, let's start again.

- Hi, I'm Jack McFarland.
- I'm Will Truman.

- Okay, stop.
- Come on!

Wha-- what could I have done
wrong? I just said my name.

It-- it-- it doesn't work.
Will Truman.

It's-- it's not, it's...
It's a turn-off.

Um, what about...

Mary Fatjeans?

- Buh-bye.
- Okay, I'm sorry.

Hey, I'm sorry, sorry.

Just givin' you a little
rough love.

Look, I know you're
in the dark, lady.

[sighs] But the truth is,
you're a bit of a catch.

Any guy would kill
to be standing

where I'm standing right now.

Thanks, Jack.

You will now forget everything
I've just said.

You didn't hypnotize me,
you monkey.

Didn't I?

Now, back to zero.

[Will sighs]

Your date is now becoming
very bored with you.

You can't afford to be coy.

Why not show some interest
by touching me gently,

yet... inappropriately?

[clears throat]

There you go, very good.

Ow!

- What was that? I--
- Okay, let-- let-- let's--

Let's go back to zero.

[instrumental music]

[telephone rings]

[ringing continues]

Answer it!

Hello? Uh...

Honey, you scared me. What's
the name of the company again?

- [sighs] Grace Adler Designs.
- [whispers] Right.

Grace Adler Designs. Uh...
Oh, hi, pharmacist.

N-- no, honey, I don't need
anything for the weekend.

Unless the FDA's approved
somethin' new...

Uh... Oh, terrif.
Send me a bottle.

Yeah, uh, actually, make it two.

Yeah, we're taking family
portraits this weekend.

Okay. Uh-huh. Okay.

Send my best to Lorraine
and the kids. Kisses.

If you're finished violating
federal law...

do you think you could bring me
those sketches

I asked for... two weeks ago?

Honey, don't start with that, or
I'm gonna go after those pants.

Listen, I know that
you're still mad at me

about what happened with Josh,

but when you think about it,
really, honey,

shouldn't you be mad at yourself
for taking advice

from somebody who was probably
half in the bag at the time?

So really, I shouldn't be
listening to you now.

Oh... Probably not.

Oh, I don't know.
Maybe it's all for the best.

I mean, I really like Josh,
but...

But maybe he's not what I need.

I mean, I need a guy who has--
has more of an edge,

who's a little tougher,
and clearly, that's not him.

I want to talk to you!

Josh, I was just talking about--

You're not talkin' right now.
I'm talking.

I went home the other night,
very upset.

No, more than upset. I-- I--
I couldn't even meditate.

I'm thinkin',
"Why is Grace acting like this?"

"She's not manipulative,
she's not callous."

"Where the hell did she get
this behavior?"

And then it hit me.
She got it from you!

[gasps]

You, a-- a woman who thinks
an act of kindness

is letting her step-kid have the
fruit out of her whiskey sour.

You know what,
there's only one thing worse

than advising someone to
use sex as a bargaining chip,

and that's taking that advice.

I mean, maybe I have taken
one too many

stress management courses, okay?

Okay? Maybe I should lower my
dosage of St. John's Wort.

Whatever!

But I like myself and I'm not
gonna change for anyone.

I would gladly work out
problems with you,

but if you want to continue
in this relationship...

you take me... as I am.

- Oh, Josh!
- Back off!

[instrumental music]

Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa.
Slow down there, cowboy.

A gentleman always
eats like a lady.

Okay?

And this is probably a good time
to compliment your date.

Tell me my eyes are pretty.

The bug eye or the other one.

Okay, see, this arrogance
is probably why your date

with Charlie didn't work out.

- I am not arrogant.
- Yes, you are.

You've been acting superior
to me all evening.

That is not arrogance,
that's scientific fact.

Plus, we had a great date.

You know, we-- we-- we-- we
laughed.

He should have called me.

You see, there it is again.
Oh...

And what's behind
that arrogance?

A layer of fat, then fear.

Fear rolled in fat,
wrapped in arrogance.

I am not arrogant
and I am not afraid.

Oh, then why don't you call him?

What, could it be
fear of rejection?

Of-- of starting over?

Of opening yourself
up to someone else?

- What?
- I think you may have a point.

For real?

Wow.

In spite of your trying to help,
Jack, you've actually... helped.

You know, I appreciate how much
you care--

Shut up. I totally made out
with that bartender.

Uh, hi. Uh, Ch-- Charlie, it's--
it's Truman, Will Truman.

And I really didn't mean
to say that

in a-- in a "Bond, James Bond"
kind of way.

Uh, I'm sorry
I-- I didn't call sooner

but... you're here.

Hello.

So, call me when you get home.

[chuckles]

Uh, hi, what are you doing here?

Well, it's the only place
in town that serves gray meat.

Reminds me of home.

[chuckles]

What do you mean
you don't remember me?

The-- the glitter on my face,
the Barbarella costume?

Ugh!

[instrumental music]

Mr. Doucette wants to see you.

- When?
- Truman.

Now.

So, word on the street is you're
not such a bad second date.

Yeah, I guess I just need to
work on my first date skills.

Were we supposed to play today?

No, no, I found another partner.

Someone who's not gonna
show me up on the court.

What are you talkin' about?
I lost.

Not by enough.

Come on, Ben. Let's skidooch.

I'm on a shezule.