Original subtitles

Grace: But Josh is really great, you know.

He's-- he's sweet, he's kind,

he's very in tune with my body.

A little too fond of the gentle forehead kiss.

It's like... being kissed by my grandmother,

except Josh doesn't have a moustache.

But still, he's a-- he's a solid B, B plus.

What do they seal these things with, high-grade epoxy?

I mean, cookies should be easily accessible.

Hey, we're talking about my cookies here.

Uh, I'm listening. I... [grunts]

Just grab hold of that end, will you? Just...

Oh, thank you.

I've been dying for a Milano since 63rd Street.

- I don't think so. - Hey!

- Jack! - Why eat them?

Why not just apply them directly to your man teats?

- Come on. - Will you give him a break?

He's skinny. Just let him eat his cookies.

Hey, hetero skinny is very different than homo skinny.

You're not in the club, you wouldn't understand.

Don't... [groans]

Open these.

What are you guys doin' tonight?

Josh and I are going to the movies.

Wrong. Will?

I was gonna go to the gym and--

Wrong. [scoffs]

What is the matter with you people?

Will, tonight, you're making dinner,

and the three of us will be parked in front of your TV

to watch our new favorite sitcom,

"Along Came You."

And why is it our new favorite sitcom?

Because tonight, Ed and Gerard are going to kiss.

Only the first-ever prime time network kiss

between two gay men.

Oh, that's tonight?

Uh, it's in "TV Guide." Don't you read?

- Grace: Grate. - Jack: I know, I'm excited, too.

No. I meant watch out for the...

[crashes] Ooh.

Grate.

Hey, first-ever kiss between a gay man and 88th Street.

- Jack: Not funny! - Will: Oh, that was funny.

That was funny.

[theme music]

Come on, Will. Hurry up, you're gonna miss it.

Okay.

Woman on TV: You sure you guys don't want to join me for lunch?

No, they don't.

How come women never know when they're not wanted?

If that remark was meant for me--

Shh! You gonna talk through the whole show?

Gerard: Wow. So, it's just us.

Ed: Yeah. We're finally alone.

Gerard: Yep. Just us.

Ed, don't move. You have an eyelash.

Oh, please. That's the oldest line in the book.

I've used it.

- Me too. - Me too.

He's movin' in. It's gonna happen.

Oh, my God, do you understand, this is bigger

than the moon landing?

One giant step for man on mankind.

Here it comes. Here it comes.

- Oh, let's hold hands. - Okay.

Gerard: I think I'm about to kiss you.

Ed: I think I'm about to be kissed.

Gay sex is so hot.

This is it! This is it!

This is not it. Where's the camera going?

Why are we looking at a fireplace?

Get off the flames and follow the flamers!

What? Oh, come on.

They didn't show us anything.

- I can't believe this. - Oh, come on, Jack.

What did you expect?

I expected a kiss.

I've been preparing for the kiss.

I was on a juice fast for 72 hours

so I'd look good for the kiss!

This is a crime against humanity.

Jack, two guys didn't kiss on a sitcom.

I don't think that warrants reconvening

the Nuremberg jury.

You know what, don't throw your knowledge

of current events at me.

The network promised we were gonna see

some guy-guy lip action.

You know, for someone who has a gay porn collection

that requires its own storage facility...

you seem pretty upset about one kiss.

Missing the point, darling.

By doing this, they're sending a clear message

that the way I live my life is offensive.

Jack, the way you live your life...

is offensive, but, hey, they should have shown

those guys kissing.

I had a really good time.

I'm-- I'm glad we could meet for lunch.

Hey, did you get the lumbar pillow

I left with your doorman?

I did. Thank you.

That was-- that was so sweet of you.

It's filled with tea.

The lady at the nature store said it's very soothing,

particularly if you're cramping during menses.

I had a really nice time. [chuckles]

Don't say menses.

- Bye. - Mm.

- You'll call me later? - I will.

Mm.

Mm. [sighs]

He should be killed.

He happens to be the sweetest,

most thoughtful, most sensitive guy

I have ever gone out with.

I think he's great.

He makes me wanna barf.

I wanna kick him till he's dead, honey.

Karen, no, I have just gotten off of a string

of really bad boyfriends.

Adam, whose closest thing to a compliment was,

"If you lost a little weight in the ass,

you'd look pretty good."

Alex, who thought things could be improved

by bringing another woman into the relationship.

Stoner Jeff,

who loved his bong more than me.

I mean, Josh is the first guy in a long time

who treats me like... a goddess.

Bye-bye, Josh.

He is sensitive and caring.

Thank you for playin'.

He truly loves and understands women.

Don't let the door hit Grace's big ass on your way out.

Hey, "Valley of the Dolls."

Josh is one in a million.

He is sweet, and kind,

and attentive...

and he'll be gone by the weekend.

Yes. I'd like to speak to the president of NBC, please.

This is Jack McFarland.

How long will he be in the meeting?

Very fine. I'll call back later.

Hi, I'd like to speak to the president of NBC, please.

It's Julianna Margulies.

I have a cold. Hello? Hello?

How do you stop unwanted homosexuals

from invading your office?

[mocking laughter]

Come on, we're going down to the network to protest.

Chop chop.

Wait, you're still on that? Wow.

I thought that will go away as quickly

as your last big issue, the underrepresentation

of gay animals at the Bronx Zoo.

They brought in a family of fruit bats.

Coincidence? I don't think so.

Let's go.

Jack, I'm not going anywhere.

I have to work so you can eat.

You're wasting your time.

I am outraged by this! Why aren't you?

Because I'm realistic.

Clearly, nobody wants to see two men kissing on television,

not the network, not the viewers,

not the advertisers--

That's right, Will.

They wanna pretend we're invisible.

Well, what about our constitutional right

to see two hotties get it on?

Will that be the constitution that begins,

"Whee! The people?"

Jack, you're fighting a losing battle.

Go to my place, steal a sweater, have a nice afternoon.

Leave the silly protest to Woody Harrelson

and his hemp flip-flops.

Look, Will...

I don't like to say this, but I need you.

Sure, I have the face and the bod,

hence the modeling career and the early years of dance.

What?

But you, you're the dowdy, bookish sister.

You're... Will, plain and tall.

I need you and your ten-dollar words

and your "Be that as it may" to help me make my case.

Really?

You can't just draw on your early years of dance?

When you and your boyfriend here are done with your little game

of slap and tickle...

Mr. Doucette would like for you to call him in the car.

- He's not my boyfriend. - Whatever you say.

Will, you comin' or not?

Jack. No, I'm sorry, I can't.

Well, then just so you know, we are no longer friends.

Yeah, that's what you said last week at the movies

when I left you the black jujube.

Thanks a lot, Will.

Thanks for recognizing when something

is really important to me.

[whirring]

I thought you promised to wear a French maid's uniform

the next time you did this.

Your place is filthy.

PS, lived here seven months,

you may wanna think about unpacking.

PS, I thought we talked about the PS.

- What are you doing? - Just trying to help out.

By the way, you have milk in the refrigerator

that's so bad it's now good cheese.

Where do you keep the scrubby stuff?

- What did you do to Jack? - What?

Every time you're a bad friend to Jack,

you always become a better friend to me.

He wants me to go down to the network and complain

about this whole kiss thing, and I said no,

and he's mad at me.

[scoffs] How ridiculous is that?

Hmm.

Hmm?

What, you think I'm wrong?

All I said was, "Hmm."

Oh, but there was so much behind that, "Hmm."

Okay.

Look, Jack has been focused on one issue

for more than a day and a half.

This is big.

It may be ridiculous, but it's important to him.

And he is your friend.

I mean, to me, that's reason enough to support him.

Talk about something else.

Ooh, pushed a button.

Broken up with Josh yet?

Can we talk about somethin' else?

Ooh. Pushed a button.

I'm gonna break up with him tonight, okay?

Last night was really special.

Yeah, it was.

Do you really think that look scares me?

[chuckles] I once walked in on

Faye Dunaway with a wig cap.

Now, I'm not leaving here until the president

of the network hears what I have to say.

Please have a seat, sir.

You're very crafty, aren't you?

[elevator dings]

Just so you know, I'm not going anywhere.

I'll chain myself to the desk if I have to.

He will. He has his own chains.

Oh, my God, Will, I knew you'd come.

I mean, what are you doing here?

I'm here to help you.

Together, you and I are gonna

stick it to the man.

Good idea, but let's do this first.

Karen? It's Grace.

Grace Adler.

Honey, how'd you get this number?

You gave me this number

in case of emergencies, remember?

Oh, yeah. Right, right, good.

Yeah, I want you to have it.

Stanley, have the butler change all the phone numbers

on the second floor.

So what's going on, honey?

I have to be mean, and I need an expert.

Well, I'm flattered. What can I do you for?

Stan, that had better be soap on a rope.

Um, Karen, I-- I...

I can't get rid of this guy.

He's-- he's a sweetheart, but he's just not for me,

and I just, I just don't know how to say it to his face.

Yeah, well, say it to his bald spot

as you push him out of the cab.

- Bye-bye. - No, no, no.

Wait, wait. I can't do it that way.

How do I explain this?

Most human beings...

are endowed with the capacity to feel emotion.

Well, they're weak.

Come on, help me.

I need a good lie.

Oh, I know, honey. Come on, that's easy.

Just tell him you're madly in love with Will.

Of course, I don't know where the lie part comes in, but...

[sighs]

But I think it will work.

You know what? This was a mistake.

I'm sorry I even called you.

Goodbye.

Hey.

I'm going to go pick you up some wild yam essence.

Thanks.

It helps with breast tenderness brought on by water retention.

And just as Ed and Gerard were about to kiss,

they cut away to the fireplace,

and I just find that... reprehensible.

What's your complaint?

I want Carson back.

That's, uh, important, too.

Uh, have you always been political?

You're speaking a little too loudly.

- Oh, I'm sorry. - No, not you.

[sighs] I spoke to one of their PR people,

and he said they're sending someone down to talk to us.

- Who is this? - Will, this is my new friend.

- Crazy. - Got you.

- Hey-o! - Oh! Hi.

So, to do the Kegel exercise,

you just clench... and release.

It's really quite wonderful.

Like sit-ups for love's sweet flower.

Wow.

Almost brought up a little yam there.

Mm. Sis, boom, bah!

"What do you hear when Scrooge

passes a stone?" [laughs]

That's very funny.

I've the creeping fear

that she enjoys her life more than I do.

Because she has 250 people in her head,

none of whom own a toothbrush.

Mm-hmm.

Get this over to Ross Weiman's office.

- Uh-- - Hi. I'm Craig Fissay.

Executive vice-president in charge of public relations

for the office of the president of the network.

You're his assistant.

We spoke earlier?

Anyway, I've been sent down here

to respond to your complaint

regarding the kiss on "Along Came You."

Yes. We are outraged.

I hope you presented him with my letter and the petition?

- I did. - And what did he have to say?

Well, it was discussed at length,

and the final word is, "No comment."

Have a good day, gentlemen,

and thank you for visiting us at NBC.

♪ Ding-ding-dong ♪

Wait. no. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Look, we-- we are loyal viewers and consumers,

and we find your policies unfair and discriminatory.

Now, what-- what you need to understand--

No, sir, what you need to understand is that this network

has a responsibility to its audience.

Now, I understand your disappointment.

Believe me...

I understand.

- Hi. - Hi.

But you will never see two gay men kissing

on network television.

Uh... It's a gay network for God's sake!

The symbol is a peacock.

Have a nice day.

Sally, come on in, he'll see you now.

Okay, let's go, everybody.

I said now.

Jack: That was appalling.

It's a travesty of justice.

We need to take this all the way to the supreme court.

We have friends there.

You know, we'll talk to that gay justice.

You know, that little fellow we like with the glasses.

Jack, we've been over this.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg is a woman.

Yeah, well, I am not done with this.

Uh, we need to get our message out there.

You know, put it on the national stage.

I know, I'll write an epic poem

and post it on my website, www.justjack.com.

- What's an epic poem? - It's long.

Okay, scratch that. Okay.

Thinking, thinking, thinking...

I know, I'll use the news media.

I'll talk to Al Roker.

Yeah, because as everyone knows,

once you have an avuncular weatherman on your side,

there's no end to your power.

No, he's right over there doing "The Today Show."

Al! Al!

Al: Alright! Yeah! Oh, I'm sorry.

Let's take a look and show you what's going on

as far as your weather is concerned.

Big old handsome warm front comin' in from the south.

Whoo!

Oh, Stanley, you know I don't find that funny.

Now, get me another towel

and put it on the real towel rack!

Um, Josh.

I-- I have something that I really need to tell you

and I don't know how to say it

other than to just come out with it.

Um... I'm in love with another man.

- You're... - It's Will. You-- you met him.

He-- he lives across the hall.

Oh.

Jack: Al! Al!

Will: Jack, there's a thousand people here.

He's not gonna talk to you.

Al, it's my birthday. I'm a 100 years old, talk to me.

[chuckles] Ah, what's your name?

Hi. Oh, my God, Al Roker.

Uh, I don't know if you recognize me,

but, uh, my name is Jack McFarland.

And I do a one-man show every Wednesday night

at the duplex called "Just Jack."

Additional info on my website at www.justjack.com.

Just Jack? What happened to Jill? You guys have a fight?

"No, it's my pail of water. No, it's my pail of water."

"No, it's my pail of water."

Oh, my God, that's so funny.

Anyways, um, the reason we're here.

Um, I don't know if you're aware,

but on this week's episode of "Along Came You,"

there was supposed to be a kiss, and there wasn't.

Well, you know, Jack, sometimes a kiss

is just not a kiss.

Do we have any anniversary here?

Whoa-whoa-whoa! Back to Jack.

Uh, we went to complain, and this closet case upstairs,

cute in an offbeat way, got his number,

totally gave us the brush-off, and I just want to know

how long I'm gonna have to wait until I can see

two gay men kiss on network television.

Not as long as you'd think.

Oh, my Lord!

Not your boyfriend, my ass.

That's the love of my life, kissin' that guy.

Man, that was incredible!

I mean, four seconds before I did it.,

I didn't know I was gonna do it,

and then I just did it.

Yes, Will. Brava.

I mean, but... let's be honest with each other.

We both know what actually happened this morning.

Remind us.

Masking your attraction to me with a political agenda?

[scoffs] You are so transparent.

Wow. Nothing gets by you.

I just pray none of my boyfriends

saw that tragic display.

'Cause that's like five serious

long-term relationships down the tube.

Five, huh?

That's a lot of balls in the air.

I just...

I just can't believe we did it.

Yes, well.

Despite how creepy the motivation,

a lot of people out there owe us a big fat thank you.

Well, thank you very much!

Because of your little on-air lip lock,

I'm gonna spend the next week in an ashram with no heat

with my un-dumped boyfriend, Josh.

I thought you were gonna break up with him?

I was, until some big queen on "The Today Show"

blew my alibi!

- She's talking about you. - She's talking about you.