Original subtitles

[theme music]

Will: Oh, my dad's here.

My dad's here. He's just parking his rental car.

Got a spot on 78th. Very impressive.

Look at him. He's such a cute little parallel parker.

Oh, there's the door.

Oh, he's getting out of the car.

Oh, he's Asian. Okay, that's not my dad.

Look at you, Mr. Happy-Boots.

I wish I got this excited when my dad came to visit me.

Come on, your dad's great.

Yeah, in a parallel universe

where my hair is straight and so are you.

How about that-- that time that you told him

you got into Columbia, and-- and he threw you that big party?

That was your dad.

When I told my dad I got into Columbia, he said,

"Yeah, well, we're broke, now move,

you're blocking 'Beretta.'"

Ah, fathers. Yeah.

Mine withheld affection from me for 30 years.

Then I find out he's not really my father.

My whole life has been a big lie.

I'm sorry, did I bring everybody down?

Jack, I-- I-- I don't know what to say except...

[knock on door] My dad's here! Yeah!

- Will. - Pop!

[chuckling]

- Gimme that coat, come on. - Look at you. You look great.

- Hey, thank you. - Is that my sweater?

No. No, uh, Grandma sent this to me last Christmas.

She took it from me. The woman's gettin' old, Will.

I mean, she's gettin' old.

- Hello, beautiful - Hello, George.

Hey, you workin' out?

Oh, you know, when I can fit it in.

Twice a day, six days a week.

And who looks more like Rita Hayworth everyday, huh?

Oh, George, you're gonna spoil me.

- The other Rita Hayworth. - Come here.

Uh, my father is so bad.

Good to see you, sweetheart.

I'm never giving my father

another Father's Day present ever again, ever.

Grace, don't bogart the dad, huh?

You-- you want somethin' to eat?

No, no, no, don't bother. I'm not hungry.

Unless, uh, unless you got, uh, maybe like a sandwich.

- Make that two. - Uh, you know, don't bother.

- I'll nibble. - I'll still have mine.

Sure, Jack. How about a, uh, fat chance on rye?

I-- I almost forgot. Uh, here.

- Oh, dad... - George: It's n-- It's nothin'.

It's a little somethin'. It's nothin', absolutely nothin'.

I saw it, it, uh, seemed like you.

Oh.

Only smaller and flatter and fuzzier.

[chuckling]

I love it. Thank you. Mwah.

The only thing my dad ever gave me

was feet the size of canoes.

Hey, don't get too attached to that.

I have a coat of yours that would go perfect with it.

- Well, I must away. - Got a hot date, Jackie?

No, but the guy who's dating me does.

See, I keep telling you, learn from this man.

Follow him around, do what he does.

Yeah, yeah, I'm sure you'd be very happy to see me

dancing on a box, in a sequined tube top.

George, if you ever get tired of him...

you'll be exactly like me.

Chow Mein.

So, George, why are you in town?

Well, the company's giving me an award for, uh...

I don't know, workin' there and not dyin'.

What? An award? You said it was just a-- a business dinner.

- I want to come. - No, no, no. No, don't come.

Don't come, nobody's comin'. Your brothers are busy.

Your mom's takin' care of grandma. Nobody's comin'.

- Well, are the Burtons coming? - Yeah.

- B.J. and Chuck? - Yeah.

Buzz and Rhea, and Sherman, and Nancy--

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, nobody's comin'.

Well, I want to come.

Don't be silly. See, it's already becoming a thing,

and I don't want it to blow up into a situation.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to go to the John.

[chuckles]

See that? It's classic George Truman.

He says he doesn't want me to come, but what he really

means is, "I want you to come,"

"I just don't want to put you out."

Well, my father's never invited me anywhere.

Except the time he had that lower GI series.

[sighs] Don't think

Norman Rockwell's gonna be paintin' that one.

No.

Hey... we should go.

You know, and-- and surprise him.

Yes! Yes! We can go.

And we can hide under the table...

and when they say his name,

we can jump up and we go, "Surprise!"

Yeah, yeah, and then Harpo and Zeppo could bring in

the dean's wife, and we'll sail to Fredonia!

Hey, don't knock it, it was very funny when we did it

at my dad's GI series.

[theme music]

[instrumental music]

- Hi, poodle. - Who's your daddy?

You are.

[sighs]

Who's my daddy?

Oh, that's right, some stranger

in a Nixon mask who boinked my mother

at a pool party in '68.

God, that is awful.

Who in the world would have a pool party?

[belches]

I don't know. It's just... seeing Will with his dad.

It's... feels like

there's something missing in my life, you know,

like... my soul is on empty.

You can go a lotta years on empty, honey.

Trust me.

Come on.

Charge yourself a little happy.

No, Karen, buying something's

not gonna make me feel any better.

Although the new Prada slip-on

wouldn't make me feel any worse.

Hey, Jack. How you doin'?

Sad. Lonely. Fatherless.

Seconds away from recording a country album.

[laughing]

Karen, why are you laughing? He's in pain.

Oh, I know. He's miserable.

He doesn't know who his real father is. It's terrible.

[laughing]

- Oh! Oh! - Oh.

Oh! Oh, wait a minute! I get the joke.

Jack's all alone in the world! Ha-ha-ha! Funny!

You-- you... Honey, you don't understand.

I found him. I found Jack's daddy.

- I did. - What?

Yeah, yeah, I had Private Detective

do a little snooping around.

He was getting bored following Stan

back and forth to Krispy Kreme anyway, so...

- And it paid off! - Wait a minute, wait a minute.

You found Jack's father? Why didn't you tell him?

Well, honey, I'm working on a set-up here.

Tonight, Jack is gonna meet his real daddy.

Again, why didn't you tell him?

I know this may be an alien concept to you,

but, but it might have made another person happy.

Lord, you are just as simple as that blouse you're wearing.

[mouthing] What?

I am trying to create a moment here.

Right, so tell him that his father--

- I'm still talking. - All I'm saying--

- Quit interrupting me! - Don't yell at me!

- I'm not yelling! - Yes, you are!

God, honey, I was just trying to tell you a little story.

Go.

Right now, they're both in the dark.

However, I am going to call them both

and have them meet tonight at Jack's favorite coffee shop.

It's gonna be very mysterious, very, "Who am I meeting?" Okay.

And then, and then I am gonna arrive

to make the big announcement,

"Jack, there's a daddy in this room..."

"and I'm not talkin' Puff." Okay, it's so hip.

Oh, so basically you made me feel like an idiot

because you're making a father-son reunion

all about you?

Honey, I think maybe it's those pink go-go boots

that are makin' you feel like an idiot.

[instrumental music]

Father's gonna be so surprised.

I know.

- You look great. - Thanks. Where is he?

- Um, Will? - Huh?

You jumped into a tux, popped a Tic-Tac in your mouth.

Took all of five seconds. This took all afternoon.

It was like building a boat.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. You look great.

And if I had a bottle of champagne,

I'd smash it over your head.

You're so sweet.

My God, what-- what are you doing here?

- Hi! Surprise! - Yeah.

- We're here. - I-- I know.

I-- I got that, Grace, but I told you not to come.

I know. It's your big night, we should be here.

No, no, no. No, no, you shouldn't be here.

No, no, no, go do something fun.

Go, go, go put on a sequined tube top.

Dance on a box.

Dad... we're staying.

And why are you acting so weird?

It's like you're hiding something.

No, no, of course I'm not hiding anything.

It's just, it's, it's a little complicated, that's all--

- Will, Ted Farmer. - Oh, hi.

And this must be your lovely wife, Grace.

It's, it's not that complicated.

[instrumental music]

Please, I beg you, can we not get into this right now?

- You haven't-- - Hey, how are you?

Good to see you, man.

You haven't told these people I'm gay?

What, you walk around telling

all your colleagues that I'm straight?

- I think it's implied. - But I begged you not to come.

- Uh, dad, I-- - Okay, okay, guys.

Come on, come on, I'm sure this is nothing

that can't be solved by... me leaving.

I can't believe this is happening...

Sh, sh, sh, please don't, don't make a scene.

I don't make scenes. Mom makes scenes.

I don't make scenes. Oh, my God!

I'm two highballs and a tight dress away from being mom.

Listen, you've gotta understand something--

Hey, I don't have to understand anything. I came here--

Hey, Mr. Truman, Mr. Truman.

Will, you must be so proud of your father.

Oh, well, proud doesn't begin to describe what I'm feeling.

So, could we borrow him for a minute?

- Please, be my guest. - I...

- I gotta... - Yeah.

Here. I got you this.

You probably just want to get outta here right?

No, no, no. No, we're not goin' anywhere.

Oh, you saw the rack of lamb?

No, Binge-o.

I want to talk to my father.

- Really, here? - Yeah!

We are gonna deal with this tonight.

Wow.

[sighs] Okay.

So he told them we're married.

I guess that explains why you haven't

touched me in 15 years.

[instrumental music]

Hi, are you John Marshall?

Yeah, are you Jack McFarland?

Last time I checked. [laughs]

- Well, nice to meet you. - Yes, nice to meet you as well.

Any idea why we're here? [chuckles]

Well, no. I got a call from this woman, Karen Walker,

and she said to be here at eight o'clock,

'cause I was gonna meet someone who would change my life.

Wow, I got the same phone call.

John: Yeah.

And I have a feeling she's right.

We have three kids...

Hannah, Rachel and Liam.

Hannah played Queen Esther in a Purim play.

Woman: Aw.

Not a dry eye in Shul.

- Sweetie, let's dance. - I don't feel like dancing.

- They're playing our song. - Oh, they have a song.

You two are so sweet together.

- What's your secret? - I'm gay.

[laughing]

That's what our son says. He's funny, too.

[laughing]

[instrumental music]

What are you doing?

Waiting for you to talk to your father.

And by the way, Dave in Accounting

has been giving me the eye all night.

I'm not above cheating on you.

Will, come on.

Everyone has that moment when they realize

that their parents are less than perfect.

And I hate to break it to you...

but this is yours.

Look, I know my father, okay?

And trust me, he-- he wouldn't do this

unless he had a very good reason.

Which is?

I don't know. But I intend to find out.

And we are not raising the kids Jewish.

[instrumental music]

Well, it's steady work, but, you know,

I wouldn't be adverse to a change

if the right opportunity came along.

Yeah, interesting, interesting.

You got good arms, John. You work out?

Yeah, I try to. Like I always say, nobody likes a fatty.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God, only my personal mantra.

[laughing]

Do you live alone?

Yeah, uh, look, can you excuse me for a minute?

- I got a quick phone call. - Okay, sure.

- I'll be right here. - Thanks.

Okay.

Hurry back, though. You don't want me to get cold.

[laughing]

Oh. Oh, honey. Honey, honey, I'm so sorry I'm late.

Is John here?

Yes. We met, we talked, he's fabulous.

Oh.

Thank you so much, Karen. I love him.

Oh, Jack. It warms my heart to hear you say that.

Or maybe it's the Gin Ricky I just had in the limo.

[laughing]

God, even on skid row, I'm funny.

I have a really good feeling about this, Karen.

He's playing it cool, but, um,

I think I might be gettin' some tonight.

Aha, ah, ooh-- What?

What in the hell are you talking about?

That man is your daddy!

- Not yet. - Oh!

No! I mean he's your father!

- What? - Yes!

Yes, I had Private Detective talk to your mom

and he tracked down the guy in the Nixon mask.

John Marshall is your father.

- Oh, my God, you found my dad. - Yeah.

Oh, my God, I hit on my dad.

- Ew! Ew! Ew! - Ew! Ew! Ew!

- I need soap. I need... - God.

I need a Handi-Wipe for my brain.

Oh!

Oh, I hit on my father. I'm Soon-Yi.

So, Jack, why don't we go someplace where we can be alone?

- Ew! - Ew!

- Ew! - Ew!

No. You don't understand. You're my daddy.

- Not yet. - Ew!

- Ew! - Ew!

No. In 1968, you went to a pool party.

You had a Nixon mask on. You had sex with my mother.

Wait a minute. 1968?

Uh, if we're talking about the same party,

there were a lot of guys in Nixon masks.

Well, Dick was big that year.

And anyway, I'm gay.

Me, too. That must be where I get it.

No, no, I mean, I can't be your father,

because I don't have sex with women.

- Oh. - Are you sure?

- Yeah. - Not even once?

Could you?

- Ew. Ew. - Ew. Ew.

Thank you for coming.

Well, you know, since we, um, cleared the air...

do you want to go get a drink at Boy Bar?

Hey, I'll get us a cab.

Oh, wait- wait a minute, wait a minute.

Don't you find this just a little bit eepy-cray?

She is kinda right. It is weird, John. You know...

I have tickets to the Backstreet Boys.

I'll call you later, Karen.

[instrumental music]

This damn thing. I-- I'm supposed to go on in a minute.

So, four people have asked me

where the newlyweds are registered.

I told them International Male.

I have the feeling we're gonna be getting a lot of mesh thongs.

Will, I'm sorry. It's just...

[sighs]

What happened? I mean, wa-- was it just

a misunderstanding that got out of control?

No.

Well, is it that you-- you like Grace so much

you wish we were married?

God, no, I mean, I mean,

I-- I-- I-- I like her and all that, but no.

Then tell me, because I-- I know that you would never do

something like this, unless you had a very good reason.

What do you want me to tell you?

You want me to tell you that this company

is run by a homophobic, right-wing maniac?

Is that what you want to know?

I mean, here I am, comin' up on my pension.

Your grandmother insists on living year after

year after year, and that's not cheap.

If I lose this job, who's gonna hire a guy my age, Will?

Who?

Dad, I had-- I had no idea.

Is that-- is that really true?

God, I wish it was.

Yeah, me, too. What is this?

Look, i-- it-- it's not me, Will.

There-- there's a lot of small-minded people out there.

I just can't stand the thought of somebody judging you.

People making judgments all the time--

Alright, dad, dad, dad. Dad.

Stop. I got it.

It's the Captain Lenny thing, all over again.

George: What?

Don't remember Captain Lenny, he used to introduce

the cartoons on Channel 4?

I was ten, you took me on that business trip to New York,

and there in the hotel bar was Captain Lenny.

Drinking a beer and hitting on a waitress.

I was very upset and you said to me,

"Willy, he's not really a captain."

"He's just a guy."

Oh, you're killin' me here, man.

You're my dad.

I love you.

You did what you thought you needed to do.

You're just a guy.

George, you're on.

[whispers] Go on.

Finally.

What?

What? Don't look at me like that. The girls take too long.

You're gonna wash your hands?

So here he is, George Truman.

[applause]

- You okay? - Yeah, I guess.

Thank you. Wow. [chuckles]

Um, Lifetime Achievement Award. [chuckles]

That's really an honor.

My son's gay.

Will, where are you?

- He's here. - Grace?

Hi, son.

I-- I, you know, I-- I told you all that, uh...

I told you all that Will an-- and Grace were-- were married,

and, uh, they're not.

Will is... Will is gay.

He's a-- he's a-- he's a proud gay man.

And I'm... a proud father...

of a proud gay man.

Thank God that's over.

No, no, no, I-- I got, I got a lot more to say.

Oh, my God.

So he comes into the living room, and he looks us both

right in the eye, and he says,

"Mom, dad, I'm gay."

"And-- and I want to bring my boyfriend home for Christmas."

And I said, "You couldn't give me"

"just a regular necktie like any other father?"

God, even when he's bad, he's good.

And then, you know, oh, no, I'm not even gonna

tell you about the time he did "Ben-Hur"

as a musical in the living room.

Changed the title to "Ben-Him."

Will? Will, stand up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, stand up. Hey, sh-sh.

I want everyone to see you. Come on, stand up.

Come on, Will, come on.

[applause]

Will, you're-- you're here...

you're queer...

and I-- I love you, dear.

I love my gay son, everybody.

[applause]

Thank you. Thanks, t-- thanks, Pop. Mm.

The wife is always the last to know.

Oh.