Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

[whispers] Will, you asleep?

- Will! - Mm!

Oh, I'm sorry. Did I wake you?

Oh, that's okay. I had to get up anyway.

'Cause there was someone at my bedroom door

screaming Will.

I'm so sorry, I just-- I, I couldn't sleep.

I have this presentation tomorrow and I...

You know what, now that...

Now that I've woken you up, you look tired.

- Go back to sleep. - Oh, Grace, come here!

You always get nuts before something like this.

And you're always great. They're gonna love it.

How come you always know exactly the right thing to say?

'Cause I'm incredibly sensitive.

And because you had the exact same problem last week.

Mwah.

[screams]

[theme music]

[instrumental music]

Could you...

Just pour the milk.

It's cereal, not dynamite.

I don't want it to get too soggy. Gah.

I hate when they go snap, crackle, poop.

Hey, panic mode.

Clear path.

My 10:00 was moved to 9:00.

So I only have like three minutes to eat.

Thanks.

Isn't it great how sugar has no fat in it?

Now, Grace, if you want to lose weight, try my diet.

Whenever I want to eat, I've a friend come over

and steal my food.

- He's talking about you. - He's talking about you.

Oh, I gotta run. I'm late.

Okay, I've got like nine bites left.

So I'll just leave the bowl with the doorman.

What was that about, Flinchy?

What do you mean?

You flinched, Flinchy. [hisses]

Wifey tried to give you a smooch and you flinched.

What's the matter, Flinchy?

- Trouble in paradise? - No.

Do you ever have dreams about women?

- Sure. Bette, Barbara, Liza-- - Will: No, no!

I mean...

sex dreams.

Uh, no.

And why would you?

You mean Grace?

She doesn't even have an album.

It's only been a couple of weeks, but it's...

It's kind of got me weirded out.

Weirded out? Hi, try disgusted.

Oh, God! Ipecac. I need ipecac.

You know, what frightens me, Jack,

is that I'm the only person in the world

who knows that this is you helping.

Just give me a minute to get the image

out of my head, alright?

Ricky Martin in gauchos, Ricky Martin in gauchos.

Away. That was easy.

Well, once again you've helped me navigate

the tricky rapids of my life and I thank you.

And I do take full responsibility.

You're in love with me, you can't have me.

You're fat, ergo Grace. It all lines up perfectly.

Please, I want you to seek professional help.

Professional he...

Hey, that-- that's the pot calling the kettle taupe.

You mean a therapist? I don't need a therapist.

Fine, live in denial.

I tell you, I've seen a lot of sick

male-female relationships in my time...

but yours my friend is by far the sickest.

Jack: Now, if you'll excuse me.

I have to go get my wife some bunion cream.

I do not need a therapist.

[moaning]

[screams]

[instrumental music]

So in the dream...

how do you feel?

I feel... like I'm having sex with a woman.

And, uh, as a gay man...

let's just say there were things there

that I wish weren't there.

Uh, and... one thing that isn't there

that I really kind of miss.

That your last patient? [chuckles]

Look, I wouldn't take these dreams literally.

It's probably not about sex at all.

Really?

Naked bodies entwined, nails clawing my back?

You know, I-- I get Showtime. That's sex.

What I mean is most dreams are metaphorical.

They almost always represent some other underlying problem.

In this case, maybe a problem with Grace.

So, it's not really about sex at all?

- Not likely. - Oh, that's good.

[chuckles]

Starting to think I was going a little woo-hoo.

It's probably not the technical term.

No, I believe the technical term is

neuro-bbrbr [flaps lips] disorder.

So, tell me what's goin' on in your life?

Is there something that feels out of balance

or maybe you're conflicted about something?

I don't think so. Maybe I am.

No, I'm not. Yes, you are.

What do you know? Shut up. No, you shut up.

♪ Papa can you hear me ♪

Sorry, went a little mental with Yentl.

[chuckles]

That's-- that-- that's

a rhyming game that Grace and I...

Forget it. You'd have to know her.

Well, on that topic, how do you feel

about bringing Grace into this discussion?

Sure, what do you want to know about her?

No, I mean, here in the room.

A session with both of you.

You're bored with me, aren't you? The magic is gone.

No, I think I might just get a better understanding

of what your dynamic is together.

I do this with a number of my patients.

But I don't want to talk about the dreams.

I mean, I-- I wouldn't want to talk to anyone

I was having sex dreams about.

Although, I don't actually know Stone Phillips.

This is your journey. Grace doesn't have to know.

I don't think I'm really comfortable with that.

It's your choice, however, you should know

unless you get to the root of these dreams...

they're probably gonna become more frequent.

Wednesday morning good for you?

[instrumental music]

Oh, Cha-Cha, that's good.

- Hi, poodle. - Who's your daddy?

You are.

Okay. Come on, Rosario, up, up-up-up, up.

I need you to whip up a batch of Cosmos.

The Bronfmans came back from the party with us.

And I don't like 'em when they're sober.

Why don't I just squeeze you like a sponge?

There's enough alcohol in you to fill a hot tub.

Okay, up, up. Up-up-up, up. Up.

Karen, you can't work her that hard.

She's been on her feet all day.

Oh, my God, I'm so Norma Rae. [giggles]

Leave her alone.

Well, well, look at you.

Sticking up for your Mexican mama.

Huh, you like that?

I told you, lady, I'm from El Salvador.

Blah-blah. Shift it!

Come on!

Karen, she's not going.

Excuse me?

Mink trumps felt.

Okay? Okay?

It's okay, Cha-Cha.

- I don't mind. - Hm.

Lady, tonight you better sleep with one eye open.

Honey, I haven't slept since 1972.

But thank you!

Listen to me...

As Rosario's legally endowed husband

- I am putting my foot down. - Ugh.

You better start treating her with some respect, or else...

Jack, let me paint you a little picture

of life here at Chez Walker.

You may wanna sit down for this.

Nobody matters but me. Goodnight.

[instrumental music]

So, Grace, did Will tell you why you're here?

Uh, no, not exactly.

I mean, he said he was anxious and, and can't sleep.

So what, it-- it, is-- is he anxious because of me?

Is-- is that the point to all of this?

No. This is really about Will.

By seeing your dynamic, first-hand

I can gain some insight into Will and Will's issues.

- Okay? - Mm-hm.

So with that in mind, let's talk about Will.

But every time I try to get close to my sister

she just-- she hits me, with all of this-- this rage.

I mean, like-- like it-- like

it's my fault she was a binge-eater.

Like it's my fault that my mother

made her wear ankle weights to vacuum the living room.

Grace, you were in no way responsible for--

for her slow metabolism or her epic ass.

You're right.

Thank you.

Actually, I feel a little better.

Whoa! I've so got to run.

Uh, am I allowed to-- to

to end the session or is that something

you're supposed to do? I have control issues.

We'll talk about that next time! If I say we talk about it.

I'll see you at home. I have to make a call.

Okay. Thanks, doc.

Do you-- do you mind if I use your phone?

Help yourself.

[cell phone rings]

Hello.

Hello? Oh, good, it works.

Okay.

I-- I, I'm expecting a really important call

and my phone sucks. So, I...

Bye. Call me. [laughs]

You must think I'm a little, uh, woo-hoo.

[laughs]

Actually, I think you're adorable.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

I never thought I would like therapy.

You know, 'cause...

I don't know, I've always hated Dr. Laura.

But it's great, you know.

It-- it's like a talk show and I'm the only guest.

I'm always in the hot seat.

I never have to move to the end of the couch.

Except for that time that Joan Embry showed up

with a spider monkey.

[Karen laughs]

See?

Proof it's working.

I'm actually connecting with Karen.

Oh, Minnie Driver, whoever told you

you could pull off a leather jumpsuit?

That's-- that's-- that's...

So, uh, you never told me.

Uh, my therapist...

Do you like him?

Sure.

Sure, I like him. Why wouldn't I like him?

I mean, I like him like I like the Statue of Liberty.

I'm glad it's there, but I don't need to see it all the time.

Interesting analogy.

Which reminds me.

Get out, already.

So, you, uh...

You wanna grab a little Italian tonight?

Maybe even have dinner first?

I can't, I already have plans.

You little minx.

Third time this week.

You know me. [growls]

[chuckling]

Adios, Amiga.

Are you gonna tell me who the mystery man is?

Um, you know, it's-- it's-- it's still early.

I don't want to jinx it, if that's okay.

Alright.

I can respect that.

Karen, always a joy... leaving you.

Okay. Karen, I need you to fax this over to--

So you're boinking the head doctor, aren't you?

No.

I know that you always like to think that you are right.

But I am not boinking the head doctor.

But there has been a little over-the-sweater action?

Oh, my God! How did you... uh...

Was your mother a jackal by any chance?

Oh, honey, come on!

I always know when you're getting a little...

How?

Honey, it's in my bones.

The same way that I know

that that outfit is a fiesta del failure.

[mouthing] You know, it's-- it's in my heart.

I mean, what was I supposed to do?

I just stayed after the session to use the phone.

Smiles were exchanged.

He called me adorable.

And the next thing I know, my phone number

ended up on his palm.

Among other things.

Okay, okay. I know what you're thinking.

You're thinking it is wrong and inappropriate

to go out with Will's therapist, but consider this.

I'm not gonna sleep with him.

Even though he's dying to.

Because that would be inappropriate.

Even though he's dying to.

But I'm not gonna do it.

Even though he's dying to.

Not gonna.

Dying to.

Oh, honey...

What it must be like to live inside that head.

- Hi, poodle. - Mm, how are you?

Hi, Grace. Who's your daddy?

His name is Martin Adler.

[laughs] You're so funny and pretty.

I don't tell you that enough, do I? No.

- Blouse? - Loehmann's.

- Shoes? - Nine West.

Fabulous.

Wait a minute, what the hell is goin' on here?

Hey, take Jackie to Blimpie's. Come on.

Uh, I'm-- I'm sorry.

As much as I would love a huge salami hoagie

at, uh, 10:45 in the morning, I can't.

I'll take you to lunch, honey.

You should've thought of that when you woke Rosario up

at 5:00 a.m. this mornin' to coat Stan with Tinactin.

Oh, oh, come on, Jack.

No! Rosario made your bed, now lie in it.

[instrumental music]

So then, my-- my mom gets on the line

and my dad totally shuts down.

And in a flash, I-- I-- I'm back in their house again.

- I'm sixteen years old. - Sixteen. Interesting.

Did you... have this sex dream about Grace again last night?

Uh, yeah.

Yeah. So-- so-- so-- so, anyway,

you know, my mom and I get into it.

And-- and finally for the first time in my life

I was able to say, "Would you please just let the man speak?"

That's good. I think that's-- that's...

[sighs] good.

I wonder if it's something you're doing

to get her into bed. I mean... You know, in the dream?

Uh, uh. I th-- I thought we were talking about my parents?

And I think, you're avoiding the issue.

I want to know what you did to get Grace into bed

in-- in-- in the dream.

I didn't do anything. I mean, she-- she was just there.

Fine, then let's broaden the scope.

What does one do to get Grace into bed?

What? How is that relevant?

Because if you're doing things

that are similar to what other men have done

to get her into bed...

Aren't you, in some way, culpable?

What are you saying, that I want to sleep with Grace?

All I'm saying is, in the dream

are you doing the things

other men do, to get Grace into bed?

- Like what? - You tell me!

What do other men do to get her into bed?

I mean, what does it take?

I don't know.

- A nice dinner, flowers? - No!

I beg your pardon?

I mean, I mean, no, no.

I think you're missing the-- the central issue here.

Wait, wh-- Well, that wasn't a, "No."

"You're missing the central issue."

That-- that's a "No, I ain't getting any."

You're having sex with Grace!

Of this, I am certain. I am not having sex with Grace.

Even if sex includes a little over-the-sweater action?

Well, if you're gonna cast that wide--

You scum!

Okay, you're angry with me. Good, good.

But wasn't it Grace that came into your therapy session

and turned it into a dating service?

Yeah, with you. This is about you, not Grace.

She's just doing what she always does.

Making every situation about her.

Maybe that's why you're having those dreams.

No.

Yes.

What? Really?

Yes, in-- in the dream...

her needs are being met. Mine aren't.

I mean, if they were, it wouldn't be Grace

in bed with me, it would be Stone Phillips,

like it used to be.

[instrumental music]

♪ You can ring my bell

♪ Ring my bell

Ding-dong.

♪ Ring-a-ling-a-ling ♪

Hi, honey.

How's your day going?

Same old, same old.

Uh, what are you ironing?

Those are real pretty.

They're your napkins.

Well, they're just beautiful.

Uh, so, listen, Rosario

I've been thinking, you know

maybe we should do more stuff together.

I don't drink.

Oh. Uh, well, then how's abouts we go down to Nike Town

and pick you up a kicky new pair of fun, huh?

Just us girls, come on.

Lady, you're giving me the creeps.

What's going on here?

Listen, Rosie, let me explain.

[clears throat]

Este mañana, Señora Boozehound y yo

hablamos [rambles in Spanish]--

In English.

If you prefer.

We had a little talk.

And Karen has decided that from now on

she's gonna treat you, my wild Latin rose...

like a decent human being.

- Is that true? - Yeah, honey.

Then I quit.

- What? - What?

I didn't sign on to work for a decent human being.

I signed on to work with Miss Karen.

You ungrateful little...

If I had a dime for every dime you've stolen from me,

I'd have a real servant instead of some Mayan gravedigger

who doesn't know the difference between a Gucci loafer

and a taquito!

Oh, honey, it's good to be back.

Oh, don't ever leave me, cupcake.

Well, I guess, everybody's happy.

Sorry to throw you off.

I forgot that even though

harsh words are exchanged sometimes

underneath it all is love.

Hmm.

[laughing]

- I totally had you going there. - You kill me, Chica.

- Whoa! - Whoa!

- Who's your daddy? - You are.

[instrumental music]

Okay, this has been driving me crazy.

And I can't keep it in any longer.

There's something I really need to tell you.

- I have been dating your sh-- - Dating my shrink.

How did you know?

Well, let's just say he's used my sessions

to figure out a way to, uh, get into Graceland.

Very fun for me at a hundred and fifty bucks an hour.

Oh! I am so sorry! I am terrible.

- There-- There's no defense. - None.

But if there was, it would be

that I only went out with him a few times.

I never slept with him and I'm gonna stop seeing him

because the guilt has been killing me.

Grace, Grace, Grace. Grace...

I don't want to talk about you.

I don't want to talk about my therapist.

I'd like to talk about me.

Can we just make this about me, for once?

What do you mean, for once?

You have a way of making every situation about you.

- I do not. - Oh, really?

Item: Last month when I had bronchitis

you made me do an herbal steam.

We ended up in the emergency room because you thought

you were allergic to eucalyptus.

My feet were swollen to the size of canoes.

Stop trying to squeeze into a size six.

European sizes run big!

Item: You take my cereal and make it your cereal.

- I have blood sugar issues. - Try food shopping.

Item: You're dating my shrink!

I-- I...

Oh, my God, I do that.

I did that.

Oh, my God, I'm horrible!

I've got to start going

to a therapist to figure out why I do this.

- You're doing it again. - Oh, my God, I am. Oh, I am.

Oh, bad.

Bad, bad, bad. Bad, bad, bad.

Oh, come on, Frances.

- I am awful. - Yes, you are.

Sometimes.

But...

Your obsessive devotion to your own neurotic needs

is part of what makes you wonderful.

- Really? - Yes.

All I'm asking is that once in a while you check in with me.

Okay, I will.

- How was your day? - You don't have to start now.

No. No, I really want to know.

Okay, well, the, uh...

The cute deli guy at Balducci's...

- Grace: Mm-hm. - Gave me extra ham.

Which as we all know is food-service-guy code

for "I dig ya."

Got a great seat on the subway. Work was good.

And now I'm just looking forward

to a full night's sleep without the dreams.

What dreams?

I'm sick of talking about me. Let's talk about you.

[instrumental music]

[moaning]

[screams]

[instrumental music]

Oh, sweetie, not again...

Come on in, Stone.