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1
00:00:01,827 --> 00:00:04,001
[instrumental music]
2
00:00:04,912 --> 00:00:07,955
Yes, Intel is up
two and a half points.
3
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Yes! My gym just got
trampolines.
4
00:00:12,952 --> 00:00:14,603
Last night, when Mitch
and I were celebrating
5
00:00:14,646 --> 00:00:17,428
our half-week-aversary...
6
00:00:17,471 --> 00:00:20,992
um... Stan caught us doin'
a little somethin'-somethin'
7
00:00:21,034 --> 00:00:23,164
on his Viking oven.
Ooh.
8
00:00:23,207 --> 00:00:25,250
Sort of, "homo on the range."
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00:00:27,075 --> 00:00:28,552
He was so shocked,
I thought he was gonna
10
00:00:28,596 --> 00:00:29,856
have a heart attack.
11
00:00:29,899 --> 00:00:31,029
Why, what'd he say?
12
00:00:31,073 --> 00:00:33,072
Uh, "Excuse me, boys,"
13
00:00:33,115 --> 00:00:35,332
"I think I left my, uh...
Oh, goodnight."
14
00:00:35,374 --> 00:00:37,070
[laughing]
15
00:00:37,113 --> 00:00:39,894
He ran out so fast,
he forgot his snack cakes.
16
00:00:39,937 --> 00:00:41,763
Poor guy came down
for a Ding Dong
17
00:00:41,806 --> 00:00:42,502
and found a couple of Twinkies.
18
00:00:42,544 --> 00:00:43,718
[laughing]
19
00:00:49,324 --> 00:00:52,757
Can I, can I borrow
$600 to pay some bills?
20
00:00:55,321 --> 00:00:56,798
No.
21
00:01:00,100 --> 00:01:03,490
I had the weirdest dream
last night.
22
00:01:03,533 --> 00:01:04,577
I was on a beach...
23
00:01:04,620 --> 00:01:07,401
dancing with Chow Yun-Fat.
24
00:01:09,009 --> 00:01:12,528
Then all of a sudden,
he rips his face off.
25
00:01:12,572 --> 00:01:15,006
And it's Chow Yun-Fat
in a different mood.
26
00:01:16,787 --> 00:01:18,482
What do you think that means?
27
00:01:18,525 --> 00:01:21,567
I think it means a grown woman
should never wear pigtails.
28
00:01:23,001 --> 00:01:24,869
- Yeah.
- What's that about, Pippi?
29
00:01:27,304 --> 00:01:29,389
You know, I really
didn't wanna be invited
30
00:01:29,432 --> 00:01:30,823
to the bitch brunch.
31
00:01:37,689 --> 00:01:39,949
And besides,
I ran out of conditioner.
32
00:01:39,992 --> 00:01:41,687
It was either this or a turban.
33
00:01:43,772 --> 00:01:45,033
- Turban.
- Turban.
34
00:01:46,945 --> 00:01:49,509
- How about $100?
- Not a chance.
35
00:01:49,552 --> 00:01:51,551
Oh, I forgot to tell you.
36
00:01:51,594 --> 00:01:53,593
Keep Sunday night open.
Big night.
37
00:01:53,637 --> 00:01:55,636
Claire is coming to town.
38
00:01:55,679 --> 00:01:58,764
Claire? Oh, my God!
39
00:01:58,808 --> 00:02:02,154
I finally get to meet the best
friend from high school.
40
00:02:02,198 --> 00:02:05,066
Oh, my God. Claire Danes?
41
00:02:05,110 --> 00:02:07,630
- That's huge.
- Yes, Jack. Claire Danes.
42
00:02:07,673 --> 00:02:09,802
D-- Did I not mention
that 19-year-old Claire Danes
43
00:02:09,845 --> 00:02:11,106
is my best friend
from high school?
44
00:02:12,627 --> 00:02:15,017
Ah, ah-ha, you're bloated.
45
00:02:16,712 --> 00:02:19,058
Claire, I mentioned her
a thousand times.
46
00:02:19,102 --> 00:02:20,970
Claire, lives in Paris,
works in fashion.
47
00:02:21,014 --> 00:02:23,969
She was my... Grace
before I met Grace.
48
00:02:24,013 --> 00:02:25,968
Claire.
[blows a raspberry]
49
00:02:26,011 --> 00:02:27,358
Nope, doesn't ring a bell.
50
00:02:27,401 --> 00:02:28,618
Cluck, Cluck-- Clu...
51
00:02:28,661 --> 00:02:30,965
I don't like her name though.
52
00:02:31,009 --> 00:02:33,181
I'm gonna call her...
53
00:02:33,224 --> 00:02:34,658
Bettina. Yeah.
54
00:02:35,919 --> 00:02:38,135
Yay! Bettina's coming to town!
55
00:02:38,179 --> 00:02:39,395
It's much better.
56
00:02:41,438 --> 00:02:44,132
You know, I'm gonna have to ask
her about your pre-gay days.
57
00:02:44,176 --> 00:02:45,131
[knock on the door]
58
00:02:45,175 --> 00:02:46,131
What are you talking about?
59
00:02:46,174 --> 00:02:47,087
You knew me when I was...
60
00:02:47,130 --> 00:02:48,651
pre-gay.
61
00:02:48,695 --> 00:02:51,388
No, I knew you
when you were on the cusp.
62
00:02:51,432 --> 00:02:52,866
When you made me go
to Chippendale's
63
00:02:52,910 --> 00:02:54,039
every Saturday night
because you said
64
00:02:54,083 --> 00:02:55,604
they made a killer Mai Tai.
65
00:02:57,255 --> 00:02:59,124
Speaking of alcohol...
66
00:03:02,383 --> 00:03:04,252
Honey, what's with this place?
You're a lawyer.
67
00:03:04,295 --> 00:03:05,946
Why are you living
in the projects?
68
00:03:07,467 --> 00:03:09,466
I like to be close
to my homies at Zabar's.
69
00:03:09,510 --> 00:03:12,334
Yeah, they make a smoked sable
that is da bomb.
70
00:03:15,289 --> 00:03:17,027
By your inflection,
I can tell
71
00:03:17,071 --> 00:03:18,679
that you think
what you're saying is funny.
72
00:03:18,721 --> 00:03:19,852
But... no.
73
00:03:21,720 --> 00:03:23,371
Come on, poodle, let's go.
Come on.
74
00:03:23,415 --> 00:03:24,893
We're going to that celebrity
fashion show
75
00:03:24,936 --> 00:03:26,022
at the Four Seasons.
76
00:03:26,066 --> 00:03:27,369
I hope E'll be there.
77
00:03:27,413 --> 00:03:30,585
I wanna k-meet Steve Kmetko.
[chuckles]
78
00:03:33,149 --> 00:03:36,061
- Karen.
- Honey, what's goin' on here?
79
00:03:42,579 --> 00:03:44,578
By the look of this hair,
I think this little piggy
80
00:03:44,621 --> 00:03:46,272
should stay home, okay?
81
00:03:50,531 --> 00:03:52,921
Karen, what are you doing here?
82
00:03:52,965 --> 00:03:54,572
You called in sick this morning.
83
00:03:59,309 --> 00:04:01,004
[coughing]
84
00:04:02,134 --> 00:04:05,045
[theme music]
85
00:04:12,128 --> 00:04:14,866
[instrumental music]
86
00:04:14,909 --> 00:04:16,561
Okay, formalities are over.
87
00:04:16,604 --> 00:04:18,081
You're a decorator,
I work in fashion.
88
00:04:18,125 --> 00:04:20,167
Girls on the go, happiness,
blah-blah-blah.
89
00:04:20,211 --> 00:04:21,471
When did you know
Will was gay?
90
00:04:21,514 --> 00:04:23,470
Oh, can we talk about
something else, please?
91
00:04:23,513 --> 00:04:25,164
- No.
- No.
92
00:04:25,208 --> 00:04:26,990
Well, my first inkling
was when he put
93
00:04:27,034 --> 00:04:29,119
his hand on my boob and said,
"Ooh, is this cashmere?"
94
00:04:30,683 --> 00:04:31,813
[laughing]
95
00:04:31,857 --> 00:04:33,160
How about you?
96
00:04:33,204 --> 00:04:35,246
Okay, Cristina Aguilera
or Britney Spears?
97
00:04:35,290 --> 00:04:36,419
Who's got the staying power?
98
00:04:39,201 --> 00:04:42,677
That was one lame attempt
at a subject change.
99
00:04:42,720 --> 00:04:44,459
Alright,
it was after senior prom.
100
00:04:44,502 --> 00:04:45,893
We're driving to the beach.
101
00:04:45,936 --> 00:04:48,022
Top down, warm night.
102
00:04:48,065 --> 00:04:50,629
His feathered hair
motionless in the wind.
103
00:04:53,454 --> 00:04:55,453
And I make my move.
I lean in real close.
104
00:04:55,496 --> 00:04:56,844
- And start kissing him.
- Yeah, and I panic.
105
00:04:56,887 --> 00:04:58,451
You know, I-- I-- I figure
I've gotta do something
106
00:04:58,494 --> 00:05:00,450
to distract her, so I--
I did the only logical thing.
107
00:05:00,493 --> 00:05:02,102
I crashed into a Dodge Dart.
108
00:05:04,448 --> 00:05:06,838
You crashed into a car?
109
00:05:06,881 --> 00:05:09,272
It was a Dodge Dart.
I was doing somebody a favor.
110
00:05:10,314 --> 00:05:11,705
It was a confusing time.
111
00:05:11,748 --> 00:05:14,008
I-- I-- I didn't know myself
till sophomore year.
112
00:05:14,051 --> 00:05:15,876
I was playing basketball
and, uh,
113
00:05:15,920 --> 00:05:17,615
Jay Barr and I
went up for a rebound.
114
00:05:17,658 --> 00:05:20,266
Our stomachs touched
and by the time I came down...
115
00:05:20,309 --> 00:05:21,873
I was gay.
116
00:05:26,828 --> 00:05:28,131
Oh, you guys.
117
00:05:28,175 --> 00:05:29,564
I hate to be a party pooper
118
00:05:29,608 --> 00:05:32,302
almost as much as I hate to say
"party pooper."
119
00:05:32,346 --> 00:05:33,954
- But I'm exhausted.
- Mm.
120
00:05:33,998 --> 00:05:37,430
And I feel you are moments away
from pulling out the yearbook.
121
00:05:37,473 --> 00:05:39,559
- Oh, please.
- Give us a little credit.
122
00:05:43,514 --> 00:05:45,382
So that's where that's been.
123
00:05:47,642 --> 00:05:50,250
Oh, so great
to finally meet you.
124
00:05:50,293 --> 00:05:52,378
Oh, you too.
125
00:05:52,422 --> 00:05:54,334
And thanks for taking
such great care of him.
126
00:05:54,377 --> 00:05:57,985
And thank you for passing
the flame to me.
127
00:05:58,028 --> 00:05:59,853
So to speak.
128
00:06:06,980 --> 00:06:08,805
Hey, what are you doing?
129
00:06:08,848 --> 00:06:12,759
Um, I'm thinking about moving
this vase from here...
130
00:06:14,540 --> 00:06:16,192
to here.
131
00:06:20,190 --> 00:06:22,015
Do you think that'll throw off
the whole room?
132
00:06:24,014 --> 00:06:25,361
Actually, I think
what might be throwing off
133
00:06:25,405 --> 00:06:28,446
the whole room
is all these boxes.
134
00:06:28,490 --> 00:06:29,837
Will: You've been here
six months already.
135
00:06:29,881 --> 00:06:31,967
Decorator, unpack thyself.
136
00:06:33,922 --> 00:06:35,355
So?
137
00:06:35,399 --> 00:06:37,877
How was the rest
of your evening with Claire?
138
00:06:37,919 --> 00:06:41,700
- Interesting.
- Ah, Will, she is so great.
139
00:06:41,744 --> 00:06:43,351
Cool and smart
140
00:06:43,395 --> 00:06:46,436
and funny and stylish and...
141
00:06:46,480 --> 00:06:48,305
Feel free to jump in
at any point
142
00:06:48,348 --> 00:06:51,043
to tell me how great
she thought I was.
143
00:06:51,086 --> 00:06:52,998
She loved you, Dame Needy.
144
00:06:55,518 --> 00:06:58,040
So, uh, what'd you guys
talk about?
145
00:06:58,082 --> 00:07:00,212
You know, work and high school.
146
00:07:00,255 --> 00:07:02,167
How much she wants
to have a baby.
147
00:07:02,211 --> 00:07:03,558
Oh, she would make
such a great mom.
148
00:07:03,601 --> 00:07:05,079
I think so too.
149
00:07:05,123 --> 00:07:06,296
In fact, she asked
a-- a friend of hers
150
00:07:06,339 --> 00:07:07,686
to donate sperms
so she could have one.
151
00:07:07,730 --> 00:07:10,033
- What'd he say?
- I said I'd think about it.
152
00:07:13,944 --> 00:07:14,986
What?
153
00:07:15,030 --> 00:07:16,769
[sighs]
154
00:07:18,506 --> 00:07:19,767
Wow.
155
00:07:21,678 --> 00:07:25,242
- I mean, wow!
- I know.
156
00:07:25,286 --> 00:07:27,111
Big wow. And-- and I--
I've been up all night.
157
00:07:27,154 --> 00:07:29,762
Thinking about it and I...
158
00:07:29,805 --> 00:07:31,630
I think I'm gonna do it.
159
00:07:31,673 --> 00:07:33,498
- Really?
- Definitely.
160
00:07:33,542 --> 00:07:35,020
I mean, Claire's one
of my oldest friends.
161
00:07:35,063 --> 00:07:37,148
You said yourself,
she should make a great mom.
162
00:07:37,192 --> 00:07:39,452
- I did say that.
- She's not in a relationship.
163
00:07:39,495 --> 00:07:41,146
And she wants a baby
more than anything.
164
00:07:41,190 --> 00:07:42,798
And then this is
my chance to-- to...
165
00:07:42,842 --> 00:07:43,884
lend a helping hand.
166
00:07:43,928 --> 00:07:44,970
Let me rephrase that.
167
00:07:47,230 --> 00:07:48,577
I mean...
168
00:07:48,621 --> 00:07:50,272
H-- How great would it be
to have another--
169
00:07:50,315 --> 00:07:51,924
another little Will,
running around out there?
170
00:07:51,967 --> 00:07:54,661
I mean, we love me, right?
171
00:07:54,704 --> 00:07:56,095
We do love you.
172
00:07:56,877 --> 00:07:59,746
- I'm doin' it!
- Ooh!
173
00:07:59,789 --> 00:08:03,873
Sure, it's, uh, easier
than givin' a kidney.
174
00:08:03,917 --> 00:08:06,872
I'd imagine the procedure
is much more pleasant.
175
00:08:06,916 --> 00:08:07,871
I knew you'd get this.
176
00:08:07,915 --> 00:08:08,958
Oh.
177
00:08:09,002 --> 00:08:10,305
I'm gonna call her right now.
178
00:08:10,348 --> 00:08:12,043
I'm so excited!
179
00:08:22,603 --> 00:08:24,036
[knock on door]
180
00:08:26,340 --> 00:08:27,947
- I was just about to call you.
- I couldn't wait.
181
00:08:27,991 --> 00:08:29,773
Come in.
182
00:08:29,817 --> 00:08:31,554
So, wow, I really love
your place.
183
00:08:31,598 --> 00:08:33,336
I really love
what you've done with it.
184
00:08:33,379 --> 00:08:34,944
- You were just here last night.
- I know.
185
00:08:34,988 --> 00:08:36,421
I'm nervous, I'm babbling.
186
00:08:36,464 --> 00:08:38,376
Help me.
187
00:08:38,420 --> 00:08:39,594
- I'll do it.
- Really?
188
00:08:39,636 --> 00:08:40,897
You're gonna be a fabulous mom!
189
00:08:40,940 --> 00:08:42,374
Aah!
190
00:08:42,418 --> 00:08:44,765
Thank you so much. Ah!
191
00:08:44,808 --> 00:08:46,677
I feel like I should
get you something.
192
00:08:46,721 --> 00:08:47,763
I don't know,
what do you get somebody
193
00:08:47,807 --> 00:08:48,893
for something like this?
194
00:08:48,936 --> 00:08:51,109
You need a wallet?
195
00:08:51,153 --> 00:08:52,673
It's fine.
196
00:08:52,717 --> 00:08:54,325
I'm happy to do it.
197
00:08:54,368 --> 00:08:56,584
Now, I don't want to put a lot
of pressure on you or anything,
198
00:08:56,627 --> 00:08:59,235
but I leave on Tuesday
and I'm blue.
199
00:08:59,278 --> 00:09:02,016
Tuesday? Now, I'm blue.
200
00:09:04,754 --> 00:09:06,840
What I mean is
spring has sprung.
201
00:09:06,884 --> 00:09:09,360
The egg's comin' right
over the plate.
202
00:09:09,404 --> 00:09:11,011
So, if you could go down
to this
203
00:09:11,055 --> 00:09:12,315
sperm bank
on your lunch break...
204
00:09:12,358 --> 00:09:14,662
Oh, I was really more
in the mood
205
00:09:14,706 --> 00:09:15,661
for soup and salad.
206
00:09:18,920 --> 00:09:20,398
Is this happening too fast?
207
00:09:20,441 --> 00:09:22,223
Now, are you okay with this?
208
00:09:22,266 --> 00:09:23,744
I was kidding.
209
00:09:23,788 --> 00:09:26,090
Oh, I can't tell you
what this means to me.
210
00:09:26,134 --> 00:09:28,089
You are such a good friend. Mm.
211
00:09:29,871 --> 00:09:31,653
Do you ever touch men?
212
00:09:35,085 --> 00:09:37,693
Jack, this is my friend, Claire.
213
00:09:37,736 --> 00:09:39,083
French Claire?
214
00:09:41,126 --> 00:09:42,951
Parlez-vous francais?
215
00:09:42,994 --> 00:09:45,211
Ah, tu parles francais.
Je n ai pas
216
00:09:45,254 --> 00:09:47,470
sais que tu
comprends la langue.
217
00:09:47,513 --> 00:09:49,078
Ah, oui.
218
00:09:51,207 --> 00:09:54,119
[gibbering]
219
00:09:58,420 --> 00:10:01,115
Claire, this is Charlie Brown's
French teacher.
220
00:10:04,243 --> 00:10:08,198
You are so Euro... fabulous.
221
00:10:09,501 --> 00:10:11,718
Love it, love it.
222
00:10:11,762 --> 00:10:14,325
Love it more!
223
00:10:14,369 --> 00:10:16,063
Quel hottie.
224
00:10:16,107 --> 00:10:19,322
I-- I'm guessing you're a high
maintenance kind of friend.
225
00:10:19,366 --> 00:10:21,018
I cost a little more
but I'm worth it.
226
00:10:23,233 --> 00:10:24,798
- I got to go.
- Alright.
227
00:10:24,842 --> 00:10:27,927
Oh, just so you know,
your name's Bettina now.
228
00:10:30,187 --> 00:10:31,838
It's better. Nescafe?
229
00:10:34,966 --> 00:10:36,705
Uh... Sanka.
230
00:10:36,749 --> 00:10:38,617
[chuckles]
231
00:10:41,181 --> 00:10:42,397
Okay, Jack,
I need to talk to you.
232
00:10:42,441 --> 00:10:45,221
And I need you to be
someone other than Jack.
233
00:10:45,265 --> 00:10:46,612
God, you're like
the fourth person
234
00:10:46,656 --> 00:10:47,916
who's said that to me today.
235
00:10:49,393 --> 00:10:50,871
Imagine that.
Sit down.
236
00:10:53,261 --> 00:10:55,738
Claire asked me to help her
have a baby.
237
00:10:55,781 --> 00:10:56,868
Mitch and I have a date.
238
00:10:56,912 --> 00:10:57,867
Are you using
your apartment tonight?
239
00:10:59,736 --> 00:11:00,909
Are you listening to me?
240
00:11:00,952 --> 00:11:02,169
She asked me to help her
have a baby!
241
00:11:02,212 --> 00:11:03,343
I'm a little freaked out here.
242
00:11:03,386 --> 00:11:04,734
Of course, you're freaked out.
243
00:11:04,776 --> 00:11:06,210
You can't just start
sleeping with women.
244
00:11:06,254 --> 00:11:08,035
Who are you, Anne Heche?
245
00:11:13,164 --> 00:11:15,292
Giving the gift of life
is a wonderful thing.
246
00:11:15,336 --> 00:11:17,640
I myself have put
my macho gazpacho
247
00:11:17,683 --> 00:11:19,116
out there once or twice.
248
00:11:21,246 --> 00:11:22,462
Like, I mean,
I've got to do this
249
00:11:22,506 --> 00:11:24,461
in, like, three hours
and-- and, I-- I...
250
00:11:24,505 --> 00:11:26,200
Okay, look, look, look, look.
251
00:11:26,243 --> 00:11:28,198
Bettina's one of our
favorite people.
252
00:11:30,458 --> 00:11:33,066
We love her.
253
00:11:33,109 --> 00:11:36,238
We trust her and she really
wants to have this baby. Right?
254
00:11:36,281 --> 00:11:37,411
More than anything.
255
00:11:37,454 --> 00:11:39,106
Well, women who want kids
that badly
256
00:11:39,150 --> 00:11:40,975
are the kind of women you want
having children, right?
257
00:11:41,018 --> 00:11:43,582
So forget about everything else.
258
00:11:43,626 --> 00:11:44,625
You're doing a good thing.
259
00:11:45,754 --> 00:11:47,753
I am.
260
00:11:47,797 --> 00:11:49,883
- You're right, thank you.
- You're welcome.
261
00:11:49,926 --> 00:11:51,925
- How about $50?
- Forget it.
262
00:11:56,575 --> 00:11:58,487
Okay, I have a problem.
263
00:11:58,530 --> 00:11:59,617
I don't want your opinion
about it,
264
00:11:59,660 --> 00:12:00,704
but I do want to tell
you what it is,
265
00:12:00,746 --> 00:12:01,703
but I don't want your
advice on it
266
00:12:01,746 --> 00:12:03,006
because it's always wrong.
267
00:12:05,136 --> 00:12:06,048
Okay.
268
00:12:08,308 --> 00:12:09,828
Honey, can I comment
on those Pilgrim pumps?
269
00:12:09,872 --> 00:12:11,132
No.
270
00:12:14,391 --> 00:12:16,043
Okay.
271
00:12:16,086 --> 00:12:19,215
Will is making
the biggest mistake of his life.
272
00:12:19,258 --> 00:12:21,127
He has an old high school friend
who lives in France.
273
00:12:21,170 --> 00:12:23,126
She wants to have a baby.
274
00:12:23,169 --> 00:12:26,254
And Will is going
to give her his sperm.
275
00:12:26,298 --> 00:12:27,732
Now, first of all,
276
00:12:27,776 --> 00:12:29,557
Will is not really
the kind of guy
277
00:12:29,601 --> 00:12:30,557
who could just give
something away
278
00:12:30,601 --> 00:12:31,861
and not think about it.
279
00:12:31,904 --> 00:12:34,120
He gave me his NYU sweatshirt
three years ago,
280
00:12:34,163 --> 00:12:36,119
and he still stops by at least
once a week to say,
281
00:12:36,162 --> 00:12:38,161
"How's it doing?"
282
00:12:38,205 --> 00:12:39,160
I mean, and-- and don't get me
wrong.
283
00:12:39,204 --> 00:12:40,204
I mean, Claire,
she is nice.
284
00:12:40,247 --> 00:12:42,637
She's great, but wh-- wh-- what
285
00:12:42,681 --> 00:12:48,156
is with friends showing up
15 years later asking for sperm?
286
00:12:48,200 --> 00:12:49,633
I mean, I don't know about you
287
00:12:49,677 --> 00:12:51,024
but I never wrote
in anyone's yearbook,
288
00:12:51,067 --> 00:12:52,892
"Don't ever change
and please fill this cup."
289
00:12:55,891 --> 00:12:57,934
It's a mistake.
290
00:12:57,977 --> 00:12:59,759
He'll regret it.
291
00:12:59,802 --> 00:13:02,148
That's all I'm saying.
292
00:13:02,192 --> 00:13:03,583
Anyway, thanks for listening.
293
00:13:05,669 --> 00:13:07,276
Grace: And thank you
294
00:13:07,319 --> 00:13:09,144
for keeping your opinion
to yourself.
295
00:13:16,054 --> 00:13:17,966
Ooh...
296
00:13:25,180 --> 00:13:27,135
[laughing]
297
00:13:32,697 --> 00:13:35,261
Oh!
[mumbles]
298
00:13:39,259 --> 00:13:41,692
Hoo!
299
00:13:42,952 --> 00:13:44,604
- Mmm.
- Okay! Okay!
300
00:13:44,648 --> 00:13:47,124
- You can talk now!
- Oh, thank God.
301
00:13:47,168 --> 00:13:49,341
Okay, first of all, the shoes
go back on the Mayflower.
302
00:13:54,512 --> 00:13:56,597
And second of all,
you're just upset
303
00:13:56,641 --> 00:13:58,510
because this woman
stole your B plan.
304
00:13:58,553 --> 00:13:59,683
What?
305
00:13:59,727 --> 00:14:01,203
You know what?
306
00:14:01,247 --> 00:14:04,333
I don't want to even know
what you mean by that.
307
00:14:05,637 --> 00:14:07,809
If you want to tell me,
I know I can't stop you.
308
00:14:09,634 --> 00:14:13,284
Honey, uh, when it comes
to potential mates, I...
309
00:14:15,196 --> 00:14:16,847
This is hard for me to say,
but...
310
00:14:18,890 --> 00:14:21,410
You date losers.
311
00:14:21,453 --> 00:14:23,322
Hey, that wasn't so hard.
[chuckles]
312
00:14:25,626 --> 00:14:27,581
Okay, for your information,
313
00:14:27,625 --> 00:14:30,058
I have gone out
with some really great...
314
00:14:30,101 --> 00:14:31,318
Continue.
315
00:14:32,926 --> 00:14:34,882
I think that even you know
that there's not
316
00:14:34,925 --> 00:14:37,445
one of those guys that you would
even consider having a kid with.
317
00:14:37,489 --> 00:14:38,706
Oh, really?
318
00:14:38,749 --> 00:14:40,618
Well, maybe that is
because you never met...
319
00:14:42,530 --> 00:14:43,833
Continue.
320
00:14:45,093 --> 00:14:46,397
Come on, let's face it, honey.
321
00:14:46,440 --> 00:14:48,830
You always thought
you'd have Will as a backup.
322
00:14:48,874 --> 00:14:51,263
And, uh, now your husband's
havin' kids with someone else.
323
00:14:53,176 --> 00:14:57,087
And what are the chances he's
gonna give it away twice, huh?
324
00:14:57,130 --> 00:14:58,869
And even if he does...
325
00:14:58,912 --> 00:15:00,824
she'll have gotten
the good stuff.
326
00:15:02,171 --> 00:15:04,127
It's like a Cabernet.
327
00:15:04,170 --> 00:15:06,255
The first batch
is always the best.
328
00:15:09,254 --> 00:15:12,296
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah.
329
00:15:12,339 --> 00:15:15,642
Wait, that analogy
doesn't really link up.
330
00:15:15,686 --> 00:15:17,728
Maybe not but a glass of red
wine sounds good right now.
331
00:15:17,772 --> 00:15:19,292
[chuckles]
332
00:15:21,639 --> 00:15:24,116
Karen, take me to your dentist.
333
00:15:24,159 --> 00:15:26,332
I feel my teeth are dull
and people are laughing at me.
334
00:15:27,593 --> 00:15:30,200
Oh, Jack, that's not why
people are laughing.
335
00:15:32,415 --> 00:15:34,458
Hey, don't crank on me
just 'cause Will's down
336
00:15:34,502 --> 00:15:36,110
at the sperm bank on 33rd
337
00:15:36,153 --> 00:15:38,717
unloading the contents of his
vas deferens into a Dixie Cup.
338
00:15:41,324 --> 00:15:42,758
- That's happening today?
- Yeah.
339
00:15:42,801 --> 00:15:45,018
Better run, honey,
or your B plan'll be kaput
340
00:15:45,061 --> 00:15:46,060
by the stroke of one.
341
00:15:46,104 --> 00:15:47,320
If you know what I mean.
[chuckles]
342
00:15:47,364 --> 00:15:49,668
"If you know what I mean."
343
00:15:49,711 --> 00:15:52,405
[instrumental music]
344
00:15:54,230 --> 00:15:57,011
This is where it all happens,
huh?
345
00:15:57,054 --> 00:15:59,097
Man, if these walls could talk.
346
00:15:59,140 --> 00:16:01,226
They'd probably say,
347
00:16:01,270 --> 00:16:04,138
"Glad I'm not the floor."
[chuckles]
348
00:16:04,181 --> 00:16:06,832
Being funny isn't gonna
get the job done.
349
00:16:06,875 --> 00:16:09,092
Come on in.
350
00:16:09,135 --> 00:16:11,351
- Here's your cup.
- Wow!
351
00:16:15,349 --> 00:16:17,826
Great expectations.
[chuckles]
352
00:16:17,869 --> 00:16:19,739
Uh, there are magazines here if
you need them and some movies.
353
00:16:19,781 --> 00:16:21,346
So, party on.
354
00:16:29,559 --> 00:16:31,036
So, you're from around here?
355
00:16:35,165 --> 00:16:38,337
Booties and juggs and cans.
356
00:16:38,380 --> 00:16:40,075
Oh, my.
357
00:16:42,466 --> 00:16:44,029
You know, if you, uh,
358
00:16:44,073 --> 00:16:46,072
happen to have an Abercrombie
and Fitch catalog out there,
359
00:16:46,115 --> 00:16:47,853
we might free up this room
a whole lot faster.
360
00:16:50,939 --> 00:16:52,329
How about this,
can you use that?
361
00:16:52,372 --> 00:16:54,676
"Martha Stewart Living?"
362
00:16:57,327 --> 00:16:59,108
Let me explain
my people to you.
363
00:16:59,152 --> 00:17:01,498
Um, we enjoy,
364
00:17:01,542 --> 00:17:04,062
but are not turned on
by the perfect scone.
365
00:17:05,540 --> 00:17:07,756
Just put the junk in the cup.
366
00:17:14,361 --> 00:17:16,230
It's ridiculous.
367
00:17:16,273 --> 00:17:17,534
I'm not gonna find anything...
368
00:17:17,577 --> 00:17:20,314
"New England Carpenters."
Thank you, Lord.
369
00:17:22,096 --> 00:17:23,444
Whatever you're doing, stop!
370
00:17:23,487 --> 00:17:25,964
What the hell
are you doing here?
371
00:17:26,007 --> 00:17:28,484
I just thought that you might
wanna try that new Thai place.
372
00:17:28,528 --> 00:17:30,483
Ju... get out of here!
373
00:17:30,527 --> 00:17:32,264
Let... okay, okay, okay.
374
00:17:32,308 --> 00:17:34,046
Just-- just-- just one thing,
okay?
375
00:17:34,089 --> 00:17:35,133
You can't go through with this.
376
00:17:35,176 --> 00:17:36,524
Not with you standing here.
377
00:17:36,566 --> 00:17:39,304
No, you can't give your sperm
to Claire.
378
00:17:39,347 --> 00:17:41,390
Because, because that sperm
is mine.
379
00:17:43,520 --> 00:17:46,127
Sorry, but I'm pretty sure
the doggone sperm is mine.
380
00:17:48,560 --> 00:17:51,993
Yeah, but I took that sperm
to movies.
381
00:17:52,037 --> 00:17:54,252
I schlepped it through Europe.
382
00:17:54,296 --> 00:17:55,991
I bought it a little gel seat
for your bike.
383
00:17:56,035 --> 00:17:57,251
Yeah, but what-- what-- what
are you trying to say?
384
00:17:57,295 --> 00:17:59,467
Th-- that you wanna have
a baby with me?
385
00:17:59,511 --> 00:18:02,292
No! I don't know!
386
00:18:02,335 --> 00:18:04,986
Maybe, I mean...
387
00:18:05,030 --> 00:18:07,420
I guess-- I guess I just--
I just want the option.
388
00:18:10,809 --> 00:18:13,025
I mean...
389
00:18:13,068 --> 00:18:16,458
I mean, what happens if I--
if I never meet anybody?
390
00:18:16,502 --> 00:18:19,152
I mean, shouldn't I at least
get first dibs?
391
00:18:19,196 --> 00:18:21,586
I mean, isn't that
one of the privileges...
392
00:18:21,629 --> 00:18:24,323
of the straight girl-gay guy
relationship?
393
00:18:24,367 --> 00:18:27,105
Shouldn't you be
my fallback sperm?
394
00:18:29,191 --> 00:18:30,495
Look, let me get this straight.
395
00:18:30,538 --> 00:18:33,231
Uh, y-- you would sacrifice
Claire's happiness
396
00:18:33,275 --> 00:18:35,274
just on the off chance
that one day,
397
00:18:35,317 --> 00:18:37,491
in the distant future,
you might, just maybe,
398
00:18:37,534 --> 00:18:39,533
need to call upon
my little guys in top hats?
399
00:18:40,880 --> 00:18:42,357
Yes.
400
00:18:42,401 --> 00:18:43,357
And the fact
that I might feel good
401
00:18:43,401 --> 00:18:44,704
about helping a friend
402
00:18:44,748 --> 00:18:47,876
doesn't even factor
into your thought process?
403
00:18:47,920 --> 00:18:49,571
Yes.
404
00:18:49,614 --> 00:18:52,873
And that this is about my life,
meaning not your life.
405
00:18:52,917 --> 00:18:55,090
And-- and Claire's life,
again, not your life
406
00:18:55,133 --> 00:18:57,654
is meaningless to you?
407
00:18:57,697 --> 00:18:59,044
Um...
408
00:19:00,913 --> 00:19:02,086
Yes.
409
00:19:06,475 --> 00:19:08,735
Look, you were the one
who always said
410
00:19:08,778 --> 00:19:10,864
that every feeling is valid and
that I should share it with you.
411
00:19:10,908 --> 00:19:12,428
That's right, and I-- and I
would like to amend that.
412
00:19:12,472 --> 00:19:13,558
To what?
413
00:19:13,601 --> 00:19:14,905
To, "You selfish lunatic,
414
00:19:14,948 --> 00:19:16,513
get out of my spermatorium."
415
00:19:21,076 --> 00:19:23,075
[knock on door]
416
00:19:26,421 --> 00:19:27,681
- Hi.
- Hi.
417
00:19:29,637 --> 00:19:32,375
About this afternoon,
I am sorry.
418
00:19:32,418 --> 00:19:34,199
It's your life.
You do what you want.
419
00:19:34,243 --> 00:19:35,720
- It's not my place to say--
- I couldn't do it.
420
00:19:35,763 --> 00:19:36,980
Oh, my, thank God.
421
00:19:40,978 --> 00:19:43,151
I mean, what happened?
422
00:19:45,237 --> 00:19:47,062
I just kept thinking about you.
423
00:19:57,317 --> 00:20:00,968
- Um, thanks.
- No. I meant, I...
424
00:20:01,011 --> 00:20:02,315
Kept thinking
about what you said
425
00:20:02,359 --> 00:20:04,487
about m-- me being
your fallback sperm.
426
00:20:04,531 --> 00:20:06,008
Just as an option.
427
00:20:06,052 --> 00:20:08,876
Oh, you're not gonna
need the option.
428
00:20:08,919 --> 00:20:11,570
You're fantastic and you're
gonna meet someone fantastic.
429
00:20:11,614 --> 00:20:14,177
And you're gonna have
a million babies of your own.
430
00:20:14,221 --> 00:20:16,438
Yeah, I guess.
431
00:20:16,481 --> 00:20:18,611
But what did happen and why
didn't-- why didn't you do it?
432
00:20:18,653 --> 00:20:19,697
Well, because...
433
00:20:21,391 --> 00:20:23,259
You're my fallback egg.
434
00:20:25,258 --> 00:20:27,736
Sweetie, you're not gonna
need me.
435
00:20:27,779 --> 00:20:29,300
You're fantastic.
436
00:20:29,344 --> 00:20:30,952
And you're gonna meet
someone fantastic
437
00:20:30,995 --> 00:20:32,950
and you're gonna have
a million babies of your...
438
00:20:36,427 --> 00:20:37,643
Wait a minute,
what am I saying?
439
00:20:37,687 --> 00:20:39,729
- You're totally gonna need me.
- Oh, yeah.
440
00:20:39,773 --> 00:20:41,207
I'm not going to the gym
ten hours a week
441
00:20:41,250 --> 00:20:42,511
just to wind up
with stretch marks.
442
00:20:42,554 --> 00:20:43,858
I tell you that.
443
00:20:48,681 --> 00:20:52,201
I told Claire that, you know,
that if I-- if I ever have a...
444
00:20:52,244 --> 00:20:54,069
a baby, I want it
to be with you.
445
00:20:54,113 --> 00:20:55,591
I mean, if-- if there's gonna be
a little Will
446
00:20:55,634 --> 00:20:56,677
runnin' around out there,
447
00:20:56,720 --> 00:20:58,545
I want him to be
a little Will and...
448
00:20:58,589 --> 00:21:01,065
a little Grace.
449
00:21:01,109 --> 00:21:03,108
- Really?
- Little Grace.
450
00:21:05,020 --> 00:21:06,845
Oh, my God, that is so sweet.
451
00:21:08,497 --> 00:21:10,452
- The two of us havin' a kid!
- I know.
452
00:21:10,496 --> 00:21:12,146
And, uh, Derek, my boyfriend.
453
00:21:14,276 --> 00:21:16,319
- Derek, have I met him?
- Neither one of us has.
454
00:21:16,362 --> 00:21:17,492
He's-- he's a carpenter
in New England.
455
00:21:17,535 --> 00:21:19,100
Ah!
32620
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