Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

Yes, Intel is up two and a half points.

Yes! My gym just got trampolines.

Last night, when Mitch and I were celebrating

our half-week-aversary...

um... Stan caught us doin' a little somethin'-somethin'

on his Viking oven. Ooh.

Sort of, "homo on the range."

He was so shocked, I thought he was gonna

have a heart attack.

Why, what'd he say?

Uh, "Excuse me, boys,"

"I think I left my, uh... Oh, goodnight."

[laughing]

He ran out so fast, he forgot his snack cakes.

Poor guy came down for a Ding Dong

and found a couple of Twinkies.

[laughing]

Can I, can I borrow $600 to pay some bills?

No.

I had the weirdest dream last night.

I was on a beach...

dancing with Chow Yun-Fat.

Then all of a sudden, he rips his face off.

And it's Chow Yun-Fat in a different mood.

What do you think that means?

I think it means a grown woman should never wear pigtails.

- Yeah. - What's that about, Pippi?

You know, I really didn't wanna be invited

to the bitch brunch.

And besides, I ran out of conditioner.

It was either this or a turban.

- Turban. - Turban.

- How about $100? - Not a chance.

Oh, I forgot to tell you.

Keep Sunday night open. Big night.

Claire is coming to town.

Claire? Oh, my God!

I finally get to meet the best friend from high school.

Oh, my God. Claire Danes?

- That's huge. - Yes, Jack. Claire Danes.

D-- Did I not mention that 19-year-old Claire Danes

is my best friend from high school?

Ah, ah-ha, you're bloated.

Claire, I mentioned her a thousand times.

Claire, lives in Paris, works in fashion.

She was my... Grace before I met Grace.

Claire. [blows a raspberry]

Nope, doesn't ring a bell.

Cluck, Cluck-- Clu...

I don't like her name though.

I'm gonna call her...

Bettina. Yeah.

Yay! Bettina's coming to town!

It's much better.

You know, I'm gonna have to ask her about your pre-gay days.

[knock on the door]

What are you talking about?

You knew me when I was...

pre-gay.

No, I knew you when you were on the cusp.

When you made me go to Chippendale's

every Saturday night because you said

they made a killer Mai Tai.

Speaking of alcohol...

Honey, what's with this place? You're a lawyer.

Why are you living in the projects?

I like to be close to my homies at Zabar's.

Yeah, they make a smoked sable that is da bomb.

By your inflection, I can tell

that you think what you're saying is funny.

But... no.

Come on, poodle, let's go. Come on.

We're going to that celebrity fashion show

at the Four Seasons.

I hope E'll be there.

I wanna k-meet Steve Kmetko. [chuckles]

- Karen. - Honey, what's goin' on here?

By the look of this hair, I think this little piggy

should stay home, okay?

Karen, what are you doing here?

You called in sick this morning.

[coughing]

[theme music]

[instrumental music]

Okay, formalities are over.

You're a decorator, I work in fashion.

Girls on the go, happiness, blah-blah-blah.

When did you know Will was gay?

Oh, can we talk about something else, please?

- No. - No.

Well, my first inkling was when he put

his hand on my boob and said, "Ooh, is this cashmere?"

[laughing]

How about you?

Okay, Cristina Aguilera or Britney Spears?

Who's got the staying power?

That was one lame attempt at a subject change.

Alright, it was after senior prom.

We're driving to the beach.

Top down, warm night.

His feathered hair motionless in the wind.

And I make my move. I lean in real close.

- And start kissing him. - Yeah, and I panic.

You know, I-- I-- I figure I've gotta do something

to distract her, so I-- I did the only logical thing.

I crashed into a Dodge Dart.

You crashed into a car?

It was a Dodge Dart. I was doing somebody a favor.

It was a confusing time.

I-- I-- I didn't know myself till sophomore year.

I was playing basketball and, uh,

Jay Barr and I went up for a rebound.

Our stomachs touched and by the time I came down...

I was gay.

Oh, you guys.

I hate to be a party pooper

almost as much as I hate to say "party pooper."

- But I'm exhausted. - Mm.

And I feel you are moments away from pulling out the yearbook.

- Oh, please. - Give us a little credit.

So that's where that's been.

Oh, so great to finally meet you.

Oh, you too.

And thanks for taking such great care of him.

And thank you for passing the flame to me.

So to speak.

Hey, what are you doing?

Um, I'm thinking about moving this vase from here...

to here.

Do you think that'll throw off the whole room?

Actually, I think what might be throwing off

the whole room is all these boxes.

Will: You've been here six months already.

Decorator, unpack thyself.

So?

How was the rest of your evening with Claire?

- Interesting. - Ah, Will, she is so great.

Cool and smart

and funny and stylish and...

Feel free to jump in at any point

to tell me how great she thought I was.

She loved you, Dame Needy.

So, uh, what'd you guys talk about?

You know, work and high school.

How much she wants to have a baby.

Oh, she would make such a great mom.

I think so too.

In fact, she asked a-- a friend of hers

to donate sperms so she could have one.

- What'd he say? - I said I'd think about it.

What?

[sighs]

Wow.

- I mean, wow! - I know.

Big wow. And-- and I-- I've been up all night.

Thinking about it and I...

I think I'm gonna do it.

- Really? - Definitely.

I mean, Claire's one of my oldest friends.

You said yourself, she should make a great mom.

- I did say that. - She's not in a relationship.

And she wants a baby more than anything.

And then this is my chance to-- to...

lend a helping hand.

Let me rephrase that.

I mean...

H-- How great would it be to have another--

another little Will, running around out there?

I mean, we love me, right?

We do love you.

- I'm doin' it! - Ooh!

Sure, it's, uh, easier than givin' a kidney.

I'd imagine the procedure is much more pleasant.

I knew you'd get this.

Oh.

I'm gonna call her right now.

I'm so excited!

[knock on door]

- I was just about to call you. - I couldn't wait.

Come in.

So, wow, I really love your place.

I really love what you've done with it.

- You were just here last night. - I know.

I'm nervous, I'm babbling.

Help me.

- I'll do it. - Really?

You're gonna be a fabulous mom!

Aah!

Thank you so much. Ah!

I feel like I should get you something.

I don't know, what do you get somebody

for something like this?

You need a wallet?

It's fine.

I'm happy to do it.

Now, I don't want to put a lot of pressure on you or anything,

but I leave on Tuesday and I'm blue.

Tuesday? Now, I'm blue.

What I mean is spring has sprung.

The egg's comin' right over the plate.

So, if you could go down to this

sperm bank on your lunch break...

Oh, I was really more in the mood

for soup and salad.

Is this happening too fast?

Now, are you okay with this?

I was kidding.

Oh, I can't tell you what this means to me.

You are such a good friend. Mm.

Do you ever touch men?

Jack, this is my friend, Claire.

French Claire?

Parlez-vous francais?

Ah, tu parles francais. Je n ai pas

sais que tu comprends la langue.

Ah, oui.

[gibbering]

Claire, this is Charlie Brown's French teacher.

You are so Euro... fabulous.

Love it, love it.

Love it more!

Quel hottie.

I-- I'm guessing you're a high maintenance kind of friend.

I cost a little more but I'm worth it.

- I got to go. - Alright.

Oh, just so you know, your name's Bettina now.

It's better. Nescafe?

Uh... Sanka.

[chuckles]

Okay, Jack, I need to talk to you.

And I need you to be someone other than Jack.

God, you're like the fourth person

who's said that to me today.

Imagine that. Sit down.

Claire asked me to help her have a baby.

Mitch and I have a date.

Are you using your apartment tonight?

Are you listening to me?

She asked me to help her have a baby!

I'm a little freaked out here.

Of course, you're freaked out.

You can't just start sleeping with women.

Who are you, Anne Heche?

Giving the gift of life is a wonderful thing.

I myself have put my macho gazpacho

out there once or twice.

Like, I mean, I've got to do this

in, like, three hours and-- and, I-- I...

Okay, look, look, look, look.

Bettina's one of our favorite people.

We love her.

We trust her and she really wants to have this baby. Right?

More than anything.

Well, women who want kids that badly

are the kind of women you want having children, right?

So forget about everything else.

You're doing a good thing.

I am.

- You're right, thank you. - You're welcome.

- How about $50? - Forget it.

Okay, I have a problem.

I don't want your opinion about it,

but I do want to tell you what it is,

but I don't want your advice on it

because it's always wrong.

Okay.

Honey, can I comment on those Pilgrim pumps?

No.

Okay.

Will is making the biggest mistake of his life.

He has an old high school friend who lives in France.

She wants to have a baby.

And Will is going to give her his sperm.

Now, first of all,

Will is not really the kind of guy

who could just give something away

and not think about it.

He gave me his NYU sweatshirt three years ago,

and he still stops by at least once a week to say,

"How's it doing?"

I mean, and-- and don't get me wrong.

I mean, Claire, she is nice.

She's great, but wh-- wh-- what

is with friends showing up 15 years later asking for sperm?

I mean, I don't know about you

but I never wrote in anyone's yearbook,

"Don't ever change and please fill this cup."

It's a mistake.

He'll regret it.

That's all I'm saying.

Anyway, thanks for listening.

Grace: And thank you

for keeping your opinion to yourself.

Ooh...

[laughing]

Oh! [mumbles]

Hoo!

- Mmm. - Okay! Okay!

- You can talk now! - Oh, thank God.

Okay, first of all, the shoes go back on the Mayflower.

And second of all, you're just upset

because this woman stole your B plan.

What?

You know what?

I don't want to even know what you mean by that.

If you want to tell me, I know I can't stop you.

Honey, uh, when it comes to potential mates, I...

This is hard for me to say, but...

You date losers.

Hey, that wasn't so hard. [chuckles]

Okay, for your information,

I have gone out with some really great...

Continue.

I think that even you know that there's not

one of those guys that you would even consider having a kid with.

Oh, really?

Well, maybe that is because you never met...

Continue.

Come on, let's face it, honey.

You always thought you'd have Will as a backup.

And, uh, now your husband's havin' kids with someone else.

And what are the chances he's gonna give it away twice, huh?

And even if he does...

she'll have gotten the good stuff.

It's like a Cabernet.

The first batch is always the best.

- Oh, my God. - Yeah.

Wait, that analogy doesn't really link up.

Maybe not but a glass of red wine sounds good right now.

[chuckles]

Karen, take me to your dentist.

I feel my teeth are dull and people are laughing at me.

Oh, Jack, that's not why people are laughing.

Hey, don't crank on me just 'cause Will's down

at the sperm bank on 33rd

unloading the contents of his vas deferens into a Dixie Cup.

- That's happening today? - Yeah.

Better run, honey, or your B plan'll be kaput

by the stroke of one.

If you know what I mean. [chuckles]

"If you know what I mean."

[instrumental music]

This is where it all happens, huh?

Man, if these walls could talk.

They'd probably say,

"Glad I'm not the floor." [chuckles]

Being funny isn't gonna get the job done.

Come on in.

- Here's your cup. - Wow!

Great expectations. [chuckles]

Uh, there are magazines here if you need them and some movies.

So, party on.

So, you're from around here?

Booties and juggs and cans.

Oh, my.

You know, if you, uh,

happen to have an Abercrombie and Fitch catalog out there,

we might free up this room a whole lot faster.

How about this, can you use that?

"Martha Stewart Living?"

Let me explain my people to you.

Um, we enjoy,

but are not turned on by the perfect scone.

Just put the junk in the cup.

It's ridiculous.

I'm not gonna find anything...

"New England Carpenters." Thank you, Lord.

Whatever you're doing, stop!

What the hell are you doing here?

I just thought that you might wanna try that new Thai place.

Ju... get out of here!

Let... okay, okay, okay.

Just-- just-- just one thing, okay?

You can't go through with this.

Not with you standing here.

No, you can't give your sperm to Claire.

Because, because that sperm is mine.

Sorry, but I'm pretty sure the doggone sperm is mine.

Yeah, but I took that sperm to movies.

I schlepped it through Europe.

I bought it a little gel seat for your bike.

Yeah, but what-- what-- what are you trying to say?

Th-- that you wanna have a baby with me?

No! I don't know!

Maybe, I mean...

I guess-- I guess I just-- I just want the option.

I mean...

I mean, what happens if I-- if I never meet anybody?

I mean, shouldn't I at least get first dibs?

I mean, isn't that one of the privileges...

of the straight girl-gay guy relationship?

Shouldn't you be my fallback sperm?

Look, let me get this straight.

Uh, y-- you would sacrifice Claire's happiness

just on the off chance that one day,

in the distant future, you might, just maybe,

need to call upon my little guys in top hats?

Yes.

And the fact that I might feel good

about helping a friend

doesn't even factor into your thought process?

Yes.

And that this is about my life, meaning not your life.

And-- and Claire's life, again, not your life

is meaningless to you?

Um...

Yes.

Look, you were the one who always said

that every feeling is valid and that I should share it with you.

That's right, and I-- and I would like to amend that.

To what?

To, "You selfish lunatic,

get out of my spermatorium."

[knock on door]

- Hi. - Hi.

About this afternoon, I am sorry.

It's your life. You do what you want.

- It's not my place to say-- - I couldn't do it.

Oh, my, thank God.

I mean, what happened?

I just kept thinking about you.

- Um, thanks. - No. I meant, I...

Kept thinking about what you said

about m-- me being your fallback sperm.

Just as an option.

Oh, you're not gonna need the option.

You're fantastic and you're gonna meet someone fantastic.

And you're gonna have a million babies of your own.

Yeah, I guess.

But what did happen and why didn't-- why didn't you do it?

Well, because...

You're my fallback egg.

Sweetie, you're not gonna need me.

You're fantastic.

And you're gonna meet someone fantastic

and you're gonna have a million babies of your...

Wait a minute, what am I saying?

- You're totally gonna need me. - Oh, yeah.

I'm not going to the gym ten hours a week

just to wind up with stretch marks.

I tell you that.

I told Claire that, you know, that if I-- if I ever have a...

a baby, I want it to be with you.

I mean, if-- if there's gonna be a little Will

runnin' around out there,

I want him to be a little Will and...

a little Grace.

- Really? - Little Grace.

Oh, my God, that is so sweet.

- The two of us havin' a kid! - I know.

And, uh, Derek, my boyfriend.

- Derek, have I met him? - Neither one of us has.

He's-- he's a carpenter in New England.

Ah!