Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

You're making pancakes.

Yes, I am, Heidi.

But...

please don't tell Grandpapa.

We had a pact.

Four workouts a week, no carbs, no sugar, no fat.

I've totally been cheating.

- So have I, hook me up. - Yeah.

Oh, my God.

The day, I've been waiting for has finally arrived.

Congratulations, Jack.

I wish you a long, happy life as a woman.

[laughs] That's so funny

I forgot you're fat.

I just thought some of us might be interested to know

that "Antiques On The Road" is in town.

"Antiques On The Road?"

- You're kidding. - No.

I just heard from a friend of mine who sleeps

with someone at PBS.

Oh! [gasps]

Jack: And they're gonna bring the whole crew,

including, guess who?

- No. - Yes.

- Get out! - Make me.

Who? What?

- Porcelain Paul! - Porcelain Paul!

Oh, my God, he's British and cute.

[gasps] Oh, my God, he's gay

and he's gonna be my lover.

[gasps]

Will: Somebody want to tell me what "Antiques On The Road" is?

[mumbling]

- Okay. - Yeah.

It's only the best show on television.

- You know, next to the "Creek." - I'm over the "Creek."

- Me too. - Okay.

Okay. Okay, so people bring in their stuff

and they're appraised by experts.

And sometimes it's worth a lot of money,

but that's the boring part. My favourite part...

is when someone brings in something

that they think is worth millions,

and Porcelain Paul tells them

that it's worth like four dollars.

And the camera stays on them and their face goes...

[gasps]

[laughs] Do the face again.

Okay. [laughs]

[gasps]

Okay, now do the face

of someone who had something really valuable

and ruined it with Lemon Pledge.

Oh, yeah, okay, great.

Okay.

[gasps]

[laughing]

That sounds fun. What time is it on?

Uh, not really looking for any Johnny-come-latelies.

Oh, please, please, please,

can't I be a flouncing geek, too?

Oh, my God, okay, I have to get on the show,

because I have to do the face.

Oh, my God, I have to meet Porcelain Paul.

I just know if I can break through that icy British facade,

he'll be mine.

- Yeah. - They lived happily ever after.

And that, children, concludes our fairy tale.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Good morning, Mrs. Freeman. How are you?

You look lovely today. You don't really like me, do you?

Mm-mmm.

Mister Doucette needs to speak with you.

Ben: I need to speak with you, Will.

Will: Let me get you a chair.

Ben: As you know, Will,

different firms have different ways

of making their new employees feel welcome.

Some give you a muffin basket, some give you a briefcase.

Here at Doucette and Stein, we give you one week

to make me not regret hiring you.

And to do that, you need to bring in a major client,

one whose name is on one of those buildings out there.

And if you succeed, well,

that's how junior associates become senior associates.

And if I don't?

That's how junior associates

become Carl's Jr. associates.

- You have till Friday, Will. - Friday?

- Yeah. - Like, in Friday?

No, Friday like in Thursday, but I'll give you till Friday.

This-- this is a little... I mean, uh,

you know, last week, I was-- I was the guy you had to have.

I was the guy with heart.

That was the honeymoon, Will.

Honeymoon's over. Good times, though, huh?

This strikes me a-- a-- as a tad unfair.

Let me tell you a little story, Will.

Years ago when I was a young associate,

not unlike yourself,

I went to a bar one night

and there were these two beautiful women there.

I couldn't decide which one to ask out,

so I took a chance and asked them both.

Turned out to be one of the best nights of my life.

And that relates how?

It doesn't. I just love telling that story.

One week, Will. And don't waste any more of your time

listening to pointless stories.

Woman: Just wait at table twelve.

Paul will be there in ten minutes.

Congratulations, and welcome to the show.

Thank you. Very fine. Thank you very much.

[squealing]

You did it! I can't believe that teapot got us on.

What did I tell you? It's perfect.

To the untrained, uneducated eye,

this may look like an early eighteenth century

Meissen teapot.

Why, yes, it does.

But to those of us in the know, it's a cheap knockoff I bought

at that lesbian thrift shop in the East Village.

By the way, what do the girls have

against hair care products?

It's their way. I just...

Oh, my God, I've got it. When we go on,

I'm gonna come up with-- with some sob story

about how much we need the money.

That'll make the face really pop.

- Oh, that's good. - Oh!

That'll help me break through to Paul.

This is genius.

You'll get to do the face and I'll get to do Paul.

[laughing]

Win, win, win.

Sneaky, sneaky, sneaky.

- Oh, oh, oh. I am so sorry-- - That's okay, that's okay.

Oh, what is that? Is-- is that a music box?

Oh, yes.

It's been in my family for years.

Oh, I hope it's worth something.

I'm sure it's worth a ton.

It's not worth a dime.

No, I understand that. I-- I just want to know

if he's happy with his current representation,

because if he isn't, our firm is in an excellent position

to provide... Uh...

I see.

Well, when your daddy gets home, have him call me.

What's the good word. Tell me things.

Well, I'm five eleven, I'm not into games,

I like horseback riding, skiing

and men who aren't afraid to cry.

Okay, you're not in the mood.

Ben, I have been trying and trying.

- But there is no-- - Good Lord.

That walk from the elevator

is gonna give me calf muscles like a Hungarian shot putter!

Karen, this isn't exactly a good time.

Yeah? Well, you're with you, honey.

That's never a good time.

Listen, you left these papers at the office,

and Grace and I made a deal.

If I brought 'em over to you, I could leave at one.

Grace doesn't know about the deal,

so keep it under your toupe. [chuckles]

Uh, Ben Doucette, Karen Walker.

- I know Mrs. Walker. - Oh, yeah. I remember you.

Stan and I met you at the Whitney opening.

You were the bartender. Yeah.

No, you just gave me your drink order.

Yeah, and I'm still waitin' for it.

Well, I'm outa here.

Oh, honey, will you pop a stamp on this

and drop it in the mail for me?

I like you.

I'm sorry. I-- I didn't know she was coming.

She usually sends her flying monkeys.

Don't be sorry. We've been chasing Walker, Inc. for years.

I had no idea you were this close to landing 'em.

Oh, yeah! Oh. Oh, no, sure.

I'm just-- I'm just... I'm working on reeling her in.

You know, all I need now is a--

is a harpoon and a bucket of chum.

Will, I don't care

if you have to blow her out of the sea with dynamite.

Just make it happen.

Right, I-- I just... I need a little more time.

Will, did I tell you the story

about the two guys who wanna go out with you?

- No. - Well, they won't...

If you're fired by Friday.

Hello, Paul Archambeau.

Grace Adler.

Just Jack [chuckles].

Okay, we've begun the filming,

so please just act natural.

So tell me about this lovely teapot.

Well, we had a bit of a family tragedy last year.

I'm her brother, not her lover. Just--

On Christmas Eve,

Grandma Meg lost both of her legs to diabetes.

And then on Christmas Day,

she tragically lost both her feet.

So how does the, um, the teapot fit into all of this?

Well, it's the only thing that survived the fire

that Grandma caused, when she...

mistakenly answered the iron.

With her hook.

Well, let-- let-- let's-- let's see what we've got here,

shall we? Ahem.

Ah, yes, well, this appears to be a-- a Meissen teapot

from I would say, the early eighteenth century.

It's beautifully done,

although the gold in the scrollwork here

is a little bit brighter than we usually see on these pieces.

Have you any idea how much this is worth?

Oh, gosh, I don't know.

We were hoping for Grandma's sake, five thousand dollars?

[chuckles]

Well, I hate to disappoint you,

but, this is worth thirty thousand dollars.

Oh! What?

Jack: You know what I'm gonna do with my money?

Buy an Audi, drive by Rory and yell "Loser!"

out the window.

I can't believe I have thirty thousand dollars!

I can't believe I have thirty thousand dollars!

Jack, this is my teapot.

I bought it with my money and my expertise.

You thought it was fake, lesbian ceramic expert.

Besides, you wouldn't even be here if it weren't for me.

Breaking through to Porcelain Paul

was based on an idea by Jack McFarland.

- It's mine! - It's mine!

- Give it to me! - No, it's mine!

Okay, okay. Wait a minute.

Look, this is crazy.

We're friends. We're in this together.

The only mature thing to do is just to... sell it

and split the money fifty-fifty.

Fifteen each.

Fifteen each?

Yes, I'm sorry.

Fifteen thousand dollars is still a lot of money.

Yes, but it won't buy an Audi.

Jack!

Thanks, Smitty.

Mrs. Walker, I hate to be indelicate, but, uh--

Oh, ri-- ri-- ri-- ri-- right, the tab. Oh, wait.

Now, what was our agreement again?

One month or one thousand dollars, whichever comes first.

Oh.

My word, has it been a month, already?

No, ma'am.

Smitty...

what's it all about?

Oh, wait. I don't give a crap.

[laughing]

[clears throat]

- Mmm. - Karen?

No.

Karen, it's you.

I'm sorry, you must have mistaken me for somebody else.

My name is Anastasia Beaverhausen.

Oh, alright, alright, it's me.

What in the hell are you doin' here?

Felt like a drink. And, you know, sometimes you want to go

where... nobody knows your name.

Yeah, well, you're not gonna like it here.

Nobody's gonna serve you a drink

in a leather thong and a dog collar.

Karen, you're so funny.

I'm gonna need a martini in a Big Gulp.

Excuse me. Crazy woman, hide your teapots.

Jack!

Jack, come back here!

Jack!

Excuse me, did you see a gay guy run through here

with a teapot, real excited?

What am I talking about? It's like asking

if you've seen a loser at a Renaissance Fair.

Ja...

Can you see me?

Yes, Tommy, I can see you.

Oh, my God, angry lesbians coming at you.

Jack!

It's really quite lovely.

Have you any idea how much it's worth?

Man: Oh, I don't know. Found it in the attic.

Couple hundred?

Well, actually, it's worth approximately

twenty-five thousand dollars.

I believe this is yours.

[gasping]

Okay, so how'd you get that scar?

Oh, uh, that one, uh, I-- I got that one playing hockey.

Mmm, well--

I got burned playing with my cousin's Easy-Bake oven.

- Okay, my Easy-Bake oven. - Okay.

And what about that one right there

near the site of future hair plugs?

Um...

Yeah, that-- that-- that's a physical and emotional scar.

I... Mmm, you know what? I'd rather not.

Oh, come on! No fair!

I showed you where Rosario planted a bite mark on my ankle.

Alright, I... Ahem. Eighth grade talent show.

I sang "I Honestly Love You."

Oh, honey, Olivia Newton-John?

- No. - Yeah, yeah.

Oh.

- Totally humiliating. - Mmm.

My voice cracked, naturally, and everybody laughed.

I ran off stage and tripped

and fell into Stephanie Lieberman's headgear.

Oh.

- Worst day of my life. - Hmm.

Not so great for Stephanie, either.

Well... [sighs]

get a load of this beauty.

Karen, there's no scar. That's just your thigh.

Yeah, it's pretty good, right?

Look at us. Havin' cocktails and tradin' war stories.

Gosh, I'm almost on the verge of not disliking you.

[chuckles]

I'll keep that one under my toupe.

Oh.

You know, Karen, the last time you and I had drinks together,

you and, uh, Stan were kind of hittin' a rough patch.

- Mm-hmm. - How are things?

Well, he has his wing, I have mine.

- Steady as she goes. - Mmm.

Mmm, good, I'm glad you're happy.

Are are you and Stan happy with your lawyers?

Well, I don't know. I mean, I haven't really thought...

Wait a minute.

Is that what this is about?

You're trying to get Stan as a client.

Are you workin' me, Wilma?

Alright, I-- I admit it. I'm-- I'm a little desperate.

I-- I-- I have to land a high profile client

by tomorrow.

Is there any way you could set up a meeting.

This is the meeting.

You want anything to do with Walker, Inc.,

you gotta go through Mrs. Inc.

So... how badly do you want it?

Very badly.

Badly enough to suck that peanut off the table?

- Karen, I'm not gonna-- - Suck it!

- There is no-- - Suck it!

God, I hope that was a peanut.

Okay, what do you say?

I say you didn't get on that peanut fast enough--

Oh, come on. Karen, what is it gonna take?

Excuse me.

Hello.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a special treat this evening.

Yes, the menthol cool stylings of Mister Will Truman.

Oh, no. No-- no-- no-- no-- no. Absolutely not.

"I Honestly Love You" in a high key.

Ca-- ca... Check, please? Can I get the check?

You want to be my lawyer?

Then sing me a love song and make me believe it.

Are you out of your mind?

If you-- if you think I'm gonna stand here...

♪ Maybe I hang around here

♪ A little more than I should

♪ We both know I got somewhere else to go ♪

On the piano and put a little Michelle Pfeiffer in it.

♪ I got something to tell you

♪ I never thought I would

♪ But I believe you really ought to know ♪

Arch your back and lick your lips.

♪ I love you

♪ I honestly love you

Okay, I'm starting to buy it.

Now, make him believe it.

♪ You don't have to answer... ♪

Alright, that's it!

I'm done!

I am a damn good lawyer and you would be lucky to have me.

I don't have to put up with this crap.

You're sadistic and bitter and empty.

Oh, and by the way, your thigh? Not so hot.

[gasps]

Goodbye, desk.

Goodbye, oddly hanging tansu.

Goodbye, fifty foot Calvin Klein underwear ad.

I think I'll miss you most of all.

'Morning, Truman.

Ooh-ooh-ooh, I had a great night last night.

If anybody asks, I was with you.

- So? - Look, Ben, I...

Uh, I tried my hardest. I-- I-- I did every...

You have no idea what I've been through. But I--

Please, put all the details in a memo which I won't read.

I stopped by to congratulate you.

Karen Walker signed the papers this morning.

And for future reference, this is my happy face.

Kar-- Karen-- Karen's here?

Hi, honey. Uh...

Close your mouth. You look like you're missin' a chromosome.

Good job, Will.

Mrs. Walker, always a pleasure.

Anything we can do to help.

Yeah, I'm still waitin' on that drink.

Something tells me you haven't been waiting.

Well, why did you do it?

Oh, I don't know.

I like Grace, Grace likes you, Smitty likes me,

I like Cutty Sark.

That is one polluted stream of consciousness.

And I guess I just figured that anyone who'd sing

an Olivia Newton-John song for me

would be the kind of lawyer who...

Oh, Lord, honey, don't make me think about it too much.

I might change my mind.

What's that?

You know what I think?

I think you're still on the verge

of not disliking me.

No-- no-- no. We don't do that, not on my time.

That's a billable smile, Wilma.

Karen, wait. Um...

About those things I said last night.

I'm-- I'm really sorry.

What things, honey?

Well, when I said, uh...

Maybe I didn't say anything.

I didn't think so.

So, uh, can your lawyer take you to lunch?

Oh, uh, honey...

I don't eat with the help. Okay?