All language subtitles for Will & Grace (1998) - S02E10 - Tea and a Total Lack of Sympathy 1080p WEBDL h264 AAC 2.0

[instrumental music]

You're making pancakes.

Yes, I am, Heidi.

But...

please don't tell Grandpapa.

We had a pact.

Four workouts a week, no carbs,
no sugar, no fat.

I've totally been cheating.

- So have I, hook me up.
- Yeah.

Oh, my God.

The day, I've been waiting for
has finally arrived.

Congratulations, Jack.

I wish you a long,
happy life as a woman.

[laughs]
That's so funny

I forgot you're fat.

I just thought some of us
might be interested to know

that "Antiques On The Road"
is in town.

"Antiques On The Road?"

- You're kidding.
- No.

I just heard from
a friend of mine who sleeps

with someone at PBS.

Oh!
[gasps]

Jack: And they're
gonna bring the whole crew,

including, guess who?

- No.
- Yes.

- Get out!
- Make me.

Who? What?

- Porcelain Paul!
- Porcelain Paul!

Oh, my God,
he's British and cute.

[gasps]
Oh, my God, he's gay

and he's gonna be my lover.

[gasps]

Will: Somebody want to tell me
what "Antiques On The Road" is?

[mumbling]

- Okay.
- Yeah.

It's only the best show
on television.

- You know, next to the "Creek."
- I'm over the "Creek."

- Me too.
- Okay.

Okay. Okay, so people
bring in their stuff

and they're appraised
by experts.

And sometimes it's worth
a lot of money,

but that's the boring part.
My favourite part...

is when someone
brings in something

that they think
is worth millions,

and Porcelain Paul tells them

that it's worth
like four dollars.

And the camera stays on them
and their face goes...

[gasps]

[laughs]
Do the face again.

Okay.
[laughs]

[gasps]

Okay, now do the face

of someone who had
something really valuable

and ruined it with Lemon Pledge.

Oh, yeah, okay, great.

Okay.

[gasps]

[laughing]

That sounds fun.
What time is it on?

Uh, not really looking
for any Johnny-come-latelies.

Oh, please, please, please,

can't I be
a flouncing geek, too?

Oh, my God,
okay, I have to get on the show,

because
I have to do the face.

Oh, my God, I have to meet
Porcelain Paul.

I just know if I can break
through that icy British facade,

he'll be mine.

- Yeah.
- They lived happily ever after.

And that, children,
concludes our fairy tale.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Good morning, Mrs. Freeman.
How are you?

You look lovely today. You don't
really like me, do you?

Mm-mmm.

Mister Doucette
needs to speak with you.

Ben: I need to speak
with you, Will.

Will: Let me get you a chair.

Ben: As you know, Will,

different firms
have different ways

of making their new employees
feel welcome.

Some give you a muffin basket,
some give you a briefcase.

Here at Doucette and Stein,
we give you one week

to make me
not regret hiring you.

And to do that, you need
to bring in a major client,

one whose name is on one
of those buildings out there.

And if you succeed, well,

that's how junior associates
become senior associates.

And if I don't?

That's how junior associates

become Carl's Jr. associates.

- You have till Friday, Will.
- Friday?

- Yeah.
- Like, in Friday?

No, Friday like in Thursday,
but I'll give you till Friday.

This-- this is a little...
I mean, uh,

you know, last week, I was--
I was the guy you had to have.

I was the guy with heart.

That was the honeymoon, Will.

Honeymoon's over.
Good times, though, huh?

This strikes me
a-- a-- as a tad unfair.

Let me tell you
a little story, Will.

Years ago
when I was a young associate,

not unlike yourself,

I went to a bar one night

and there were these two
beautiful women there.

I couldn't decide
which one to ask out,

so I took a chance
and asked them both.

Turned out to be one
of the best nights of my life.

And that relates how?

It doesn't.
I just love telling that story.

One week, Will. And don't waste
any more of your time

listening to pointless stories.

Woman: Just wait
at table twelve.

Paul will be there
in ten minutes.

Congratulations,
and welcome to the show.

Thank you. Very fine.
Thank you very much.

[squealing]

You did it! I can't believe
that teapot got us on.

What did I tell you?
It's perfect.

To the untrained,
uneducated eye,

this may look like
an early eighteenth century

Meissen teapot.

Why, yes, it does.

But to those of us in the know,
it's a cheap knockoff I bought

at that lesbian thrift shop
in the East Village.

By the way,
what do the girls have

against hair care products?

It's their way. I just...

Oh, my God, I've got it.
When we go on,

I'm gonna come up with--
with some sob story

about how much
we need the money.

That'll make the face
really pop.

- Oh, that's good.
- Oh!

That'll help me
break through to Paul.

This is genius.

You'll get to do the face
and I'll get to do Paul.

[laughing]

Win, win, win.

Sneaky, sneaky, sneaky.

- Oh, oh, oh. I am so sorry--
- That's okay, that's okay.

Oh, what is that?
Is-- is that a music box?

Oh, yes.

It's been in my family
for years.

Oh, I hope
it's worth something.

I'm sure it's worth a ton.

It's not worth a dime.

No, I understand that.
I-- I just want to know

if he's happy
with his current representation,

because if he isn't, our firm
is in an excellent position

to provide... Uh...

I see.

Well, when your daddy gets home,
have him call me.

What's the good word.
Tell me things.

Well, I'm five eleven,
I'm not into games,

I like horseback riding, skiing

and men
who aren't afraid to cry.

Okay, you're not in the mood.

Ben, I have been trying
and trying.

- But there is no--
- Good Lord.

That walk from the elevator

is gonna give me calf muscles
like a Hungarian shot putter!

Karen, this isn't
exactly a good time.

Yeah?
Well, you're with you, honey.

That's never a good time.

Listen, you left these papers
at the office,

and Grace and I made a deal.

If I brought 'em over
to you, I could leave at one.

Grace doesn't know
about the deal,

so keep it under your toupe.
[chuckles]

Uh, Ben Doucette, Karen Walker.

- I know Mrs. Walker.
- Oh, yeah. I remember you.

Stan and I met you
at the Whitney opening.

You were the bartender. Yeah.

No, you just gave me
your drink order.

Yeah,
and I'm still waitin' for it.

Well, I'm outa here.

Oh, honey, will you pop
a stamp on this

and drop it
in the mail for me?

I like you.

I'm sorry. I-- I didn't know
she was coming.

She usually
sends her flying monkeys.

Don't be sorry. We've been
chasing Walker, Inc. for years.

I had no idea you were
this close to landing 'em.

Oh, yeah! Oh. Oh, no, sure.

I'm just-- I'm just...
I'm working on reeling her in.

You know, all I need now is a--

is a harpoon
and a bucket of chum.

Will, I don't care

if you have to blow her
out of the sea with dynamite.

Just make it happen.

Right, I-- I just...
I need a little more time.

Will, did I tell you the story

about the two guys
who wanna go out with you?

- No.
- Well, they won't...

If you're fired by Friday.

Hello, Paul Archambeau.

Grace Adler.

Just Jack
[chuckles].

Okay, we've begun the filming,

so please just act natural.

So tell me about this
lovely teapot.

Well, we had a bit
of a family tragedy last year.

I'm her brother, not her lover.
Just--

On Christmas Eve,

Grandma Meg lost both
of her legs to diabetes.

And then on Christmas Day,

she tragically lost
both her feet.

So how does the, um, the teapot
fit into all of this?

Well, it's the only thing
that survived the fire

that Grandma caused, when she...

mistakenly answered the iron.

With her hook.

Well, let-- let-- let's--
let's see what we've got here,

shall we? Ahem.

Ah, yes, well, this appears
to be a-- a Meissen teapot

from I would say, the early
eighteenth century.

It's beautifully done,

although the gold
in the scrollwork here

is a little bit brighter than
we usually see on these pieces.

Have you any idea how much
this is worth?

Oh, gosh, I don't know.

We were hoping for Grandma's
sake, five thousand dollars?

[chuckles]

Well, I hate
to disappoint you,

but, this is worth
thirty thousand dollars.

Oh! What?

Jack: You know what I'm gonna do
with my money?

Buy an Audi, drive by Rory
and yell "Loser!"

out the window.

I can't believe
I have thirty thousand dollars!

I can't believe
I have thirty thousand dollars!

Jack, this is my teapot.

I bought it with my money
and my expertise.

You thought it was fake,
lesbian ceramic expert.

Besides, you wouldn't even
be here if it weren't for me.

Breaking through
to Porcelain Paul

was based on an idea
by Jack McFarland.

- It's mine!
- It's mine!

- Give it to me!
- No, it's mine!

Okay, okay.
Wait a minute.

Look, this is crazy.

We're friends.
We're in this together.

The only mature thing
to do is just to... sell it

and split the money fifty-fifty.

Fifteen each.

Fifteen each?

Yes, I'm sorry.

Fifteen thousand dollars
is still a lot of money.

Yes, but it won't buy an Audi.

Jack!

Thanks, Smitty.

Mrs. Walker, I hate to be
indelicate, but, uh--

Oh, ri-- ri-- ri-- ri-- right,
the tab. Oh, wait.

Now, what was
our agreement again?

One month or one thousand
dollars, whichever comes first.

Oh.

My word, has it been a month,
already?

No, ma'am.

Smitty...

what's it all about?

Oh, wait.
I don't give a crap.

[laughing]

[clears throat]

- Mmm.
- Karen?

No.

Karen, it's you.

I'm sorry, you must have
mistaken me for somebody else.

My name is
Anastasia Beaverhausen.

Oh, alright, alright, it's me.

What in the hell
are you doin' here?

Felt like a drink. And, you
know, sometimes you want to go

where... nobody knows your name.

Yeah, well,
you're not gonna like it here.

Nobody's gonna serve you a drink

in a leather thong
and a dog collar.

Karen, you're so funny.

I'm gonna need
a martini in a Big Gulp.

Excuse me.
Crazy woman, hide your teapots.

Jack!

Jack, come back here!

Jack!

Excuse me, did you see a gay guy
run through here

with a teapot, real excited?

What am I talking about?
It's like asking

if you've seen a loser
at a Renaissance Fair.

Ja...

Can you see me?

Yes, Tommy, I can see you.

Oh, my God, angry lesbians
coming at you.

Jack!

It's really quite lovely.

Have you any idea
how much it's worth?

Man: Oh, I don't know.
Found it in the attic.

Couple hundred?

Well, actually, it's worth
approximately

twenty-five thousand dollars.

I believe this is yours.

[gasping]

Okay, so how'd you
get that scar?

Oh, uh, that one, uh, I--
I got that one playing hockey.

Mmm, well--

I got burned playing
with my cousin's Easy-Bake oven.

- Okay, my Easy-Bake oven.
- Okay.

And what about that one
right there

near the site
of future hair plugs?

Um...

Yeah, that-- that-- that's
a physical and emotional scar.

I... Mmm, you know what?
I'd rather not.

Oh, come on! No fair!

I showed you where Rosario
planted a bite mark on my ankle.

Alright, I... Ahem.
Eighth grade talent show.

I sang "I Honestly Love You."

Oh, honey, Olivia Newton-John?

- No.
- Yeah, yeah.

Oh.

- Totally humiliating.
- Mmm.

My voice cracked, naturally,
and everybody laughed.

I ran off stage and tripped

and fell into
Stephanie Lieberman's headgear.

Oh.

- Worst day of my life.
- Hmm.

Not so great
for Stephanie, either.

Well...
[sighs]

get a load of this beauty.

Karen, there's no scar.
That's just your thigh.

Yeah, it's pretty good, right?

Look at us. Havin' cocktails
and tradin' war stories.

Gosh, I'm almost on the verge
of not disliking you.

[chuckles]

I'll keep that one
under my toupe.

Oh.

You know, Karen, the last time
you and I had drinks together,

you and, uh, Stan were kind
of hittin' a rough patch.

- Mm-hmm.
- How are things?

Well, he has his wing,
I have mine.

- Steady as she goes.
- Mmm.

Mmm, good, I'm glad
you're happy.

Are are you and Stan happy
with your lawyers?

Well, I don't know. I mean,
I haven't really thought...

Wait a minute.

Is that what this is about?

You're trying to get Stan
as a client.

Are you workin' me, Wilma?

Alright, I-- I admit it.
I'm-- I'm a little desperate.

I-- I-- I have to land
a high profile client

by tomorrow.

Is there any way
you could set up a meeting.

This is the meeting.

You want anything to do
with Walker, Inc.,

you gotta go through Mrs. Inc.

So... how badly do you want it?

Very badly.

Badly enough to suck
that peanut off the table?

- Karen, I'm not gonna--
- Suck it!

- There is no--
- Suck it!

God, I hope that was a peanut.

Okay, what do you say?

I say you didn't get
on that peanut fast enough--

Oh, come on.
Karen, what is it gonna take?

Excuse me.

Hello.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have
a special treat this evening.

Yes, the menthol cool stylings
of Mister Will Truman.

Oh, no. No-- no-- no-- no-- no.
Absolutely not.

"I Honestly Love You"
in a high key.

Ca-- ca... Check, please?
Can I get the check?

You want to be my lawyer?

Then sing me a love song
and make me believe it.

Are you out of your mind?

If you-- if you think
I'm gonna stand here...

♪ Maybe I hang around here

♪ A little more than I should

♪ We both know I got somewhere
else to go ♪

On the piano and put a little
Michelle Pfeiffer in it.

♪ I got something to tell you

♪ I never thought I would

♪ But I believe you really ought
to know ♪

Arch your back
and lick your lips.

♪ I love you

♪ I honestly love you

Okay, I'm starting to buy it.

Now, make him believe it.

♪ You don't have to answer... ♪

Alright, that's it!

I'm done!

I am a damn good lawyer and you
would be lucky to have me.

I don't have to put up
with this crap.

You're sadistic and bitter
and empty.

Oh, and by the way,
your thigh? Not so hot.

[gasps]

Goodbye, desk.

Goodbye, oddly hanging tansu.

Goodbye, fifty foot
Calvin Klein underwear ad.

I think I'll miss you
most of all.

'Morning, Truman.

Ooh-ooh-ooh,
I had a great night last night.

If anybody asks, I was with you.

- So?
- Look, Ben, I...

Uh, I tried my hardest.
I-- I-- I did every...

You have no idea
what I've been through. But I--

Please, put all the details
in a memo which I won't read.

I stopped by
to congratulate you.

Karen Walker signed the papers
this morning.

And for future reference,
this is my happy face.

Kar-- Karen-- Karen's here?

Hi, honey. Uh...

Close your mouth. You look like
you're missin' a chromosome.

Good job, Will.

Mrs. Walker, always a pleasure.

Anything we can do to help.

Yeah, I'm still waitin'
on that drink.

Something tells me
you haven't been waiting.

Well, why did you do it?

Oh, I don't know.

I like Grace, Grace likes you,
Smitty likes me,

I like Cutty Sark.

That is one polluted
stream of consciousness.

And I guess I just figured
that anyone who'd sing

an Olivia Newton-John song
for me

would be the kind
of lawyer who...

Oh, Lord, honey, don't make me
think about it too much.

I might change my mind.

What's that?

You know what I think?

I think you're still
on the verge

of not disliking me.

No-- no-- no. We don't do that,
not on my time.

That's a billable smile, Wilma.

Karen, wait. Um...

About those things I said
last night.

I'm-- I'm really sorry.

What things, honey?

Well, when I said, uh...

Maybe I didn't say anything.

I didn't think so.

So, uh, can your lawyer
take you to lunch?

Oh, uh, honey...

I don't eat with the help.
Okay?