Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

I want this, this and that.

Yeah, I want that too and I want one of these and this.

Would you... Do you want this?

- I already got some of that. - Alright.

You know, what they say about dim sum.

"I'll have dim sum and dim some more."

[laughing]

[snorts]

Why can't life be like this?

You know, why can't they bring around a cart

with, with guys on little plates?

You know, you know, and that-- that way you could sample

a little before you-- you committed to a whole one.

No, this, this one's too spicy, this one's too mealy.

I'm gonna hate myself in the morning for eating that one.

Okay, what do you guys want?

I'd like a menu. [chuckles]

Yeah, we don't, uh, actually eat this stuff.

You know what, just some white rice and, uh, two forks.

- Oh! - Clean.

Why do we have to sit with all the weirdoes?

Well, it's fun. It's, it's family style.

Yeah, it's family style.

Later, the waiters come over and tell you

what a disappointment you are to them.

[laughing]

You know, where you can always get your own table?

- The Olive Garden. - Oh, yeah.

- Yeah. - Ellen: Oh, yeah.

In fact, there's one the next exit down from us in Secaucus.

Ellen: Now, I know what everyone says about the Olive Garden,

but the one in Secaucus, is something spe--

- Oh! - Oh.

[laughs]

Tell 'em about the buffalo wings.

- Try and stop me. - Oh!

[laughs]

You know how I like food that's spicy, but not too spicy?

They've got these buffalo wings that are...

[thinking] Will: They are so boring.

Grace: I know. Oh! Cute guy over there checking you out.

- Will: Where? - Grace: Don't look.

Primavera, marinara, alfredo.

[chuckles]

What is this?

Oh, that's your rice.

It's in a leaf.

Can we go somewhere else?

Uh, sure, I guess. We'll go with you.

- Yeah. - Uh, j-- jeez.

Just a, just a couple of quick bites.

Okay.

[chuckles] Whoa! Lovin' the food.

Goodness.

We're just, we're party poopers

and we will stay.

You know, I-- I have a suggestion.

Why don't you guys go someplace else

and you chaps stay here.

And then some other night, you can all meet up

at your Onion Garden.

Okay, well, thank you very much, Mr. Man,

but I think, uh, I think

we can figure this one out on our own, okay?

Alright, why don't you two stay

and, uh, we will meet up some other night

at the Olive Garden.

Maybe, uh, tomorrow night.

- Great. - Rob: Okay.

- Grace: Bye. - Ellen: Bye.

So, you guys married?

[chuckles] No, I'm, I'm gay.

- This is my friend. - Pay up, honey.

[theme music]

[instrumental music]

And afterward, Naomi and Kai took us to this underground club

that was so cool, it didn't even have a name.

Just a design,

like a-- a squiggle on a... [blows raspberry]

Yeah.

The club formerly known as [blows raspberry] squiggle.

Yeah, and, oh, and afterwards,

who did I run into in the bathroom?

Peter Gabriel. Mm, talk about shocking the monkey.

[laughing]

Oh, and Kai, Kai has been arrested

with Greenpeace three times. I wanna get arrested.

- Go outside in that outfit. - Go outside in that outfit.

- Oh, jinx! - Oh, jinx!

[indistinct chatter]

[phone ringing]

Oh, did you see this?

Grace Adler Designs.

- It's me. - Grace: Hey, Ellen.

Ellen: Hi, hey, uh, I just called to confirm

tonight 7:30 at the Olive Garden.

I should probably give you directions.

Right, tonight. Right.

Uh, wi-- will you hold on a second?

Ellen: Sure

It's Rob and Ellen calling about dinner tonight.

Oh, no. No, no, no...

Naomi and Kai have backstage passes to Elvis Costello.

What are we gonna do?

We can't lie.

Will's sick. We have to cancel.

No, well, I hope you didn't catch anything

from those freaks we left you with last night.

[chuckles] Oh, Rob said

the funniest thing about them.

What was it you said, honey? What was it?

Oh, uh, is the circus in town?

[laughing]

[laughing] I laughed, I laughed.

Uh, anyway, uh, tell Will, that we hope he feels better

and, uh, we'll just try another time.

Okay. Bye.

We just lied to our friends.

How does that make you feel?

I'm not gonna lie to you.

- I feel great. - Me too.

Come on, buy me a latte, you big liar.

Okay.

Okay, Karen, I'll be back in an hour.

Um, answer the...

Who am I kidding?

Thank God. Why is she always hanging around here?

She does whatever Will does. He would be the alpha cow.

So, honey, how would you like

to have a little spa day with me on Monday?

[gasps]

- Jack happy! Jack happy! - Oh!

That's right. We'll do a little mud, a little seaweed.

Totally detox, then we'll get plastered,

and we'll go over to my stepkids school

for a little parent-teacher conference.

School? Why don't you take and...

I'm just gonna throw this out at you, their father?

Honey, Stan can't make it he's having some work done

on his Mercedes... or his kidneys.

I wasn't really paying attention.

Sorry, Kar. No can do.

Elementary schools freak me out, just too many bad memories.

The name calling, the-- the taunting,

the vicious games of Red Rover, Red Rover,

let's beat the hell out of Jack.

Oh, was Poodle not very poop-ular?

[sighs]

You have no idea. For little Jack McFarland.

Or Jack McFairyland as I was known.

Elementary school was a house of pain.

Oh, honey, I am so sorry. That must have been rough.

And why you, a sweet little boy,

with sparkly blue eyes and a beautiful smile.

Little Jack.

Little Jack McFairyland.

[laughing]

Karen, that's not--

McFairy-foo-foo-land. I'm a girl.

♪ La-la-la-la-la-- ♪

Karen, this the not the time--

Hey, McFairyland, give me your lunch money

or I'm gonna kick your ass!

[laughs] Yeah, boom, boom, boom.

[laughing] Ha!

Oh, God. Kids can be so cruel.

Karen, it wasn't funny.

It was a very painful time for me.

Listen, face your fears. You're not a kid anymore.

You're a big, strong man, so get over it.

Karen, there is no way I'm going over to that...

You just called me a big, strong man.

Yes, I did, you big, strong man.

[chuckles] Okay, I'll go.

I'm gonna go. Big, strong man.

- There's a bunny. - Stop it!

[laughing]

[instrumental music]

We should get going.

Now, remember, when we get backstage,

if anyone asks, you're press.

You guys don't have a problem lying, do you?

No. I'll just tell them I'm from Rolling Stone.

Will: No, no, no, I wanna be from Rolling Stone.

Tell 'em you're from... Naugahyde Weekly.

[knock on door]

See, lying is only a problem if you get caught,

and since we never get caught, there's never a problem.

Problem.

Hm.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Hi, guys.

- Hey, what's goin' on? - Hey.

Uh, we brought some soup for Will.

Oh, oh! Oh, this.

This is just, uh, a whole naughty nurse thing

I do for Will.

It makes him feel better when he's sick.

- Oh. - Yeah.

Oh, but th-- that's so, so nice,

with the soup and the... [sighs]

So sweet. You guys are the best.

- Bye. - Grace, Grace.

Uh, can we come in and see Will?

Oh, God, I would love that,

but, but Will is out like a light.

Will: Grace, what's going on out there?

[chuckles] Whoop! Look who's up?

[laughing]

Uh, ju...

Would you... Hold on just one minute.

Well, well, should we, should we come in?

Uh, no, that's not a good idea.

It's, it's, it's like germapalooza in there.

- I'll, I'll get him. - Okay.

- Are we ready? - Uh, not quite yet.

- Excuse me. - What are you doin'?

Um, I have to settle a bet.

- With a guy out in the hall. - What's the bet?

That you wouldn't go out in the hall wearing a blanket.

Grace, what are you doing? Are you crazy?

We're gonna be late for Elvis Cost... Hello!

Hey, Grace said you were sick,

so, uh, we brought you some soup.

[sighs] You guys are so thoughtful. Bye.

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, just one second.

Can I use your bathroom before we go?

- Why? - Uh, well.

Ellen had two Snapples.

Oh, uh, I-- I-- I wouldn't do that.

It's, it's, it's, germapaloozain there.

Oh, my God! That's what I said!

You could use my apartment.

Okay? Ellen and Rob.

Rob, uh, why don't you go with her?

- Why would I do that? - Um, because you love her.

Come on, buddy. Be a man. I'd do it for Grace.

Yeah, sorry, honey. I wasn't thinking.

What are we gonna do? What are we gonna do?

It's no biggie. You know, she'll pee.

They'll leave, and we'll go see Elvis Costello.

♪ Pump it up when you don't really need it ♪

♪ Pump it up until you... ♪

Will? Will!

- What are you doing? - Ah!

Oh, my God! It's gotten worse!

- He's got a fever! - Fever! It's a fever!

Why were you dancing?

- It's a boogie fever. - Oh!

So, uh, you, uh, you guys finished?

No. Grace, you're out of toilet paper.

I'm just gonna use Will's bathroom.

- Really, I won't get sick. - No, no, no, no. No, no.

See, the, the toilet paper is one other one of the boxes.

I know exactly where it is.

Grace: Rob, are you coming?

Come on, man. Get with it.

Sorry, honey.

Will, man, listen, we should really get going.

Okay, great. You guy, you guys go downstairs and grab a cab.

- I'll, I'll wait for Grace. - Okay

Well, you're not gonna wear your blankets?

Oh, okay. Me, neither.

Ellen: I am not using the Village Voice.

- What about Mademoiselle? - No!

Come on, Gwyneth Paltrow's on the cover.

No! I am using Will's bathroom.

You can't!

Yes, she can. It's fine.

- It is? - Sure

Sure.

Oh, I guess I should, uh... Yeah.

Okay. Naomi and Kai are downstairs getting a cab.

Check.

Now, we'll wait for Rob and Ellen to finish,

send them down, wait 30 seconds.

Then we'll go down, meet Naomi and Kai in the cab,

go to the Elvis Costello concert,

meet cute guys, live long, happy lives, no problem.

- Guys. - Problem.

- Naomi, has to use the loo. - Oh! Okay.

Well, since Will already locked up.

- You can use my apartment. - Okay.

Okay, okay, but we're really in a hurry,

so why don't you go down and get a cab.

- Why can't you get a cab? - Come on, man.

I've got to go with her.

- They'll need toilet paper. - Okay.

- You get the toilet paper. - You get my jacket.

And I'll be in Scotland afore ya.

Laughing on the inside.

- Toilet paper's in there... - Your jacket's in...

I got your jacket. You get the toilet paper.

Get the elevator.

Okay, they've got the toilet paper. Where's my jacket?

- Here's your jacket. - Okay, did they get the cab?

- No, we're getting the cab. - Who's getting the elevator?

- Elevator's here. - Now, let's get the cab.

- Hurry. - Okay.

- Oh, my God, that was close. - Damn, we're good.

[chuckles]

Although...

[screaming]

Grace, you wanna explain this?

Yes, I do. Will?

Huh?

I'm not gonna lie to you.

These are my doctors.

She's an acupuncturist and he's... British.

No, they're not, they're the weirdoes

from the restaurant.

This is a rather awkward moment.

Exit the weirdos, to get a cab.

Hey, we'll be downstairs. Hurry up, guys.

- You guys suck. - How could you lie to us?

- D-- define lie. - No, we didn't lie.

- It was just a... - Lying is, is, is...

- Sorry. - We're sorry.

How could you do it, Grace?

And why don't you try the truth this time?

Okay, the, the, the truth is that...

sometimes you guys just don't wanna do the--

We just wanted to try something a little different,

you know, a little more exciting.

Oh, okay. So, Will and Grace think we're boring.

- Come on, Rob, let's go. - Ugh!

Um, actually, honey, you know what?

- I need to go to the bathroom. - Let's go, Rob!

- We'll take the stairs. - I really need--

Let's go, Rob, while we still have some dignity.

[instrumental music]

[sighs]

Oh, stop fidgeting. What is the matter with you?

I-- I-- I thought I could handle being here,

but it's-- it's-- it's just too much.

Oh, I'm having post-traumatic stress disorder.

This is my 'Nam, man.

Mrs. Walker? Principal Daley is ready to see you now.

Alright, this shouldn't take long.

He'll tell me the fat one set somethin' on fire.

I'll buy him a new science wing and bippity-boppity-boo!

Everybody's happy.

Karen, don't leave me alone here.

Now, see you soon, McFairyland.

I-- I... I can't do this. Ugh!

- Give me my backpack! - I don't have it.

Come on, give it.

♪ Nah nah nah nah nah ♪

Come on, please.

No. This one's better for you.

You can put your makeup in it.

Hey, hey, hey! Give him his backpack.

The purse is mine.

This macho bully schoolyard crap is so 1983.

I could vomit.

Now, scram!

[hissing]

What's with that hair?

You know, you didn't have to do that.

- I can take care of myself. - Oh, I'm sure.

I just don't like anybody playing with my purse.

- Hi, I'm Jack. - I'm John.

Nice to meet you, John. So, um, what was that all about?

Todd and Curtis, don't like me.

Yeah, well, let me tell you a little something about

Todd and Curtis, okay.

When they grow up, they're gonna be

bloated has-beens with bad shoes and bad marriages.

Does that help you?

I don't think so.

I'm pretty sure they're still gonna try to take my backpack.

Okay, in that case, pull hair,

kick them any place that's soft and run like hell.

I just wish I was better at dodgeball.

Then this never would have happened.

Dodgeball? Who cares about dodgeball?

You ever see that on a resume? Special skills, dodgeball?

Not as useful as American history.

Besides, there's gotta be other things

you're good at, right?

Well, I just wrote a play for drama class.

You're a playwright? I'm a playwright.

- I wrote a one-man show. - Shut up.

I wrote a one-man show.

- What's it about? - I guess it's about me.

Well, it doesn't have a title yet.

Well, I was thinking maybe, um, John's Life,

or John's Play, or maybe only John.

Ever thought about...

Just John?

- Just John? - No, it's more, no jazz hands.

It's, Just John!

Just John!

Well, it's more from here and there's a pop.

It's Just John.

- Just John! - Yes.

Fabulous.

[instrumental music]

Ow!

Ow!

Ow! Ow!

Ow!

Ow!

- Mm. - Holy hangover, Batgirl.

Ho-- how fun was last night?

So fun. Naomi and Kai know all the best clubs.

Yeah, who'd have thought that after 2 A.M.

Tiki Donuts, becomes a Latino drag queen bar?

I forget, is Chocolate Eclair,

the name of a donut or one of the performers?

Why are you screaming at me?

- Mm. - Yeah.

Oh, my God!

When did I get my nipple pierced?

That's your earring.

Oh, right.

So what time are we hooking up with them tonight?

Midnight. It's gonna be wild.

- This whole week has been wild. - I know, they're crazy.

- They're fantastic. - I hate them.

Me too.

[instrumental music]

I-- I've been holding on to these fears

since I was like eight years old, you know?

And it's just like Dr. Schlemenson says,

"Jackie", he calls me Jackie, which I hate

but I'm not getting into that with you.

Hello, you're like ten. [chuckles]

"Jackie, you must meet your demons head on."

And today, I did it. [laughing]

I did it. Man, I feel good.

How are you?

Okay, but I think I'm gonna be late for my flute lesson...

You called me down to this God-forsaken place to tell me,

my kids made the honor roll!

Honey, my time is precious!

Call me when one of 'em gives birth at the prom!

What are you lookin' at?

Your shoes.

Well, they're good, right?

Listen, Jack, all this maternal crap is makin' me thirsty.

Let's go to the Palm for a couple of martinis.

You comin'?

Um, no, I'm gonna be late for my lesson.

Suit yourself.

But you'll learn a lot more over martinis, at the, Palm.

Hey, Jack, huh, thanks for your help.

Same here.

[instrumental music]

Mm, is it just me, or does the Olive Garden,

just keep gettin' better and better?

- Mm. - Mm.

It's so good, I'm gonna pay the whole check tonight.

- We're not splitting it? - No, ma'am.

That makes me so horny.

Wow, if I wasn't gay before...

You sure you wanna go through with this?

They're friends, Will, come on.

[instrumental music]

You know, you-- you're our oldest, dearest friends,

and well, we know, we, we, we... You deserve better.

You do, I know, I don't know what we were thinking,

'cause we love you guys.

Okay, we forgive you.

Water under the bridge, guys.

Yeah, well, not quite under the bridge--

Not so much under.

Okay, there are a few things we need to get straight.

First of all, no more lies. Okay?

I would think that after 15 years of friendship...

[thinking] Will: This is gonna last

a while, isn't it?

Grace: Oh, yeah. But we deserve it.

Will: Mmm.

Grace: Ooh, cute guy over there.

- Will: Where? - Grace: Psych.

Grace: We're at the Olive Garden, Will.