Original subtitles

- Will: Wow. - Grace: What?

Will: It's just so weird, you know?

It's-- it's exactly four years ago today

that I moved into this office, and here I am closing it down.

It is weird.

It's also wrong.

You moved in the height of summer.

Remember, the window was open and we thought it smelled

like wet wool on a dead man.

Ah, yes, the new scent by Decay-NY.

- I gotta go. - Alright.

- You seem okay. - I am, I think.

You know, it just seems like something's missing.

What is it? Oh, right! My career.

[chuckles] Hey, okay. Maybe this'll help.

No matter how bad you're doing,

chances are Jack's doing much worse.

Huge promotion!

Grace: Mm.

Ow!

You crushed my nose.

Sorry! If it's broken we'll get it fixed.

For the second time.

I heard that, you bitch.

And this nose has never been touched.

I'm sorry, ma'am, you can pick up your fries

at the next window.

Guess what, I've been promoted

to captain at my catering company.

And tonight I'm supervising an event at the Waldorf Astoria.

- Mm. - I'll have eight men under me.

How great is that?

[chuckles]

- Eight men? - What'd you do?

Write the Gay Make A Wish Foundation?

Could you just once reach into that cold black heart of yours

and say, "Congratulations, handsome?"

Hey, handsome, look around.

I'm closing down my office. I've lost all my clients.

So you'll forgive me if I'm not jumping up and down for joy

because you've now made head butter curler.

FYI, you S-O-B, cater-waitering is T-U-F...

F.

Oh, tough. Yes, I know.

All those years at waiter grad school,

the lectures, the all-nighters.

All to answer the eternal question

that has plagued mankind since the dawn of consciousness:

"Chicken or fish?"

Listen, mister, and I use the term loosely.

You couldn't do my job for even one night.

Jack, a monkey could do your job

providing he had a tux and a lisp.

Then put your money where your mouth is.

I'm short a man tonight. I dare you to fill in for him.

- Alright, I'll do it. - Hah!

See, you're afraid because you know you can't hack it.

Jack, I just said I'd do it.

What just happened?

You challenged me and I accepted your challenge.

Besides, it sounds like it'll be more fun than sitting at home

watching Regis say, "Is that your final answer?"

Okay, fine. Be at the Waldorf at 5:00 sharp and rent a tux.

- I have a tux. - No, you don't. I borrowed it.

[theme music]

Well, this is one consumer who is not gonna take responsibility

for something that is clearly your fault.

[sighs]

Karen.

- Karen! - Yeah, I'm up, I'm up!

Stan, get off of me!

Where am I?

Karen, you are at work.

It's 10:30 in the morning

and because you seem to believe

that fabric can be sent over phone lines...

I now owe this guy 150 bucks

for a service call.

Oh, my God.

It's 10:30!

Honey, why'd you let me sleep so late?

I gotta get out of here.

There's a needle full of botulism

with my forehead's name written all over it.

[laughs]

What are you lookin' at, rogaine failure?

Nothing, I-- I'm sorry.

Good. Okay.

Be back at 4:00... ish.

- Wow! - Yeah.

She usually doesn't come back.

What's it like working with her?

I wouldn't know.

Oh, I love her, I-- I've seen her movie "Next to Godliness"

like, uh, 15 times.

[chuckles] Oh. She's never been in a movie.

Well, when I first saw her I wasn't sure,

but then, you know, the-- the voice...

[chuckles] It's definitely her.

No. You must have her confused with someone else.

It happens. People confuse me with Julia Roberts all the time.

Why?

Well, the hair, the smile,

and uh... [clears throat]

"I'm just a girl...

"standing in front of a boy...

asking him to love me."

Trust me. That is dead on.

You trust me, that's her.

Just rent "Next to Godliness."

You'll find it in the adult section.

Adult?

Adult like Merchant Ivory,

or adult like...

gee, thank God you two plumbers arrived.

That one.

[instrumental music]

The napkin fold du jour will be winter cranes.

And mind the beaks!

Sidebar, how Madonna is this?

- Hey, Jack. - Don't hey me! You're late!

I'm sorry, but I had to rent a tux

and the old guy measuring me had the shakes,

so the inseam situation was not pleasant for me.

Just get in line.

Good news, gentlemen.

Since Mr. Truman has deigned to grace us

with his presence,

we now have enough waiters to do ballet service.

Ballet service, huh? What does that make you, the Nutcracker?

Truman, front and center.

Ma'am! Yes, ma'am!

Damn it, Will, when we're being friends,

it's fine to treat me like crap

but I will not have you ruining this event

and undermining my authority. Is that clear?

- Okay, okay. - Uh, wait.

Yeah, mm-hm. Yes. Yeah. Oh!

Do I have to do everything around here?

Look, I'm-- I'm-- I'm breaking in a rookie right now.

- I don't have time for games. - Jack!

I'm talking to the kitchen...

Get me the thing that this plugs into.

[instrumental music]

Karen: This room is a pigsty. And you're a dirty pig boy.

- Man 1: But, mommy-- - Karen: Don't mommy me!

Here's what happens to dirty pig boys.

[whip cracks]

Oh! Sorry, I'm late.

Oh, God, that sounded insincere.

I'm late. [laughs]

Honey, what, what's going on?

What's happening? What's with the TV?

Oh, I'm watching what I would call...

the feel-good movie of my life.

Did you rent "Pretty Woman" again?

Come on. Give it up, honey.

The only thing you two have in common is horse teeth

and bad taste in men. [laughs]

[chuckles] Hm.

Karen: You're a filthy little piggy! [whip cracks]

[gasps]

Ooh!

Karen.

[chuckles]

Something you want to tell me?

[chuckles] That's not me.

[laughs]

Karen: What's going on, honey? What's happening?

Karen: Why aren't you licking that floor?

Oh, alright, it is me! But it's not what you think.

Really, 'cause I think it's you in a maid's uniform,

whipping some old guy in a onesie. Am I wrong?

Come on, it's just a little fetish film.

Oh, my God, how did this thing get into circulation?

Oh, my God.

This is the end of me.

I don't think I can go on.

- Karen, what are you doing? - No, don't stop me!

Karen, don't be ridiculous!

There we go, nice and cold.

Oh, boy.

- Just one question. - Yeah.

Is dirty little pig boy the other white meat?

Uh..

Come on, spill it.

Well, I was just out of college, I was broke.

It's the oldest story in the world.

Boy meets girl, boy wants girl to do dominatrix film.

Girl says, "Naked?" Boy says, "Yeah." Girl says, "Forget it."

Boy says, "Okay, then just wear this rubber dress

and beat the old guy with a scrub brush."

Girl says, "How hard?"

Yes, that is an old story.

No, no. No.

You don't take that tone with me, no. [laughing]

It's enough that I'm gonna be the laughingstock of Manhattan,

but now to have you throwing this in my face

and laughing at me like that?

No. That's it.

- I'm outta here. - Oh, Karen, come on.

I was just making a joke. [laughs]

Oh, yeah?

Well, I have a little joke for you.

Knock, knock...

I'm not there.

[instrumental music]

Ready, spaghetti, sauce.

And we're moving, we're moving, and pace, pace, pace.

And serpentine around the room,

and elbows in and show those teeth.

Now snake, now snake. Now snake once more.

Hey, hey! Watch the jazz hips.

We aren't doing "Starlight Express" here.

Okay, now, eyes up.

Working as one, releve and release.

Very nice. Very ni.. I'm very proud of all of you.

Not bad for a rookie, huh?

I'm not really looking for new friends.

Well, you're not really getting one.

Oh, my God! It's show time, fellas. Places.

Alright, we got just a couple of minutes

before ABBA gets here.

ABBA? The band?

That's all we need is more dancing queens!

No, Will, it's spelled differently.

There's only one B. A-B-A.

The ABA?

That's the American Bar Association!

Oh, good. Bartenders are such a fun crowd.

No! Jack, the ABA is lawyers! I'm gonna know all these people.

Would you relax? No one's gonna recognize you in uniform.

Oh, right, 'cause this tea towel over my arm changes

the way my face looks!

I'm going. You're not going anywhere.

I can't do ballet service with an odd number of men.

Then do it with a number of odd men.

Oh, my God! Look!

These people are my colleagues.

Do you know how humiliating this is gonna be?

Say hello to the hard part. Serving food is easy.

Keeping your dignity when you're peppering

Matt Damon's salad is what's hard.

- Why Matt Damon? - He has my career.

- I see. Goodbye. - No, Will.

I know this is a rough time for you, okay?

But you've had your success. This is my turn.

So you decide. You gonna be a friend or are you going to bail?

[grunts]

[sighs]

Huh? Oh. Hors d'oeuvre?

Will Truman?

Brian Kelly. [chuckles]

What is with the outfit?

You look like you should be serving us.

And I don't mean papers.

[laughs]

[chuckles] Me, a waiter? Are you kidding?

Excuse me, I asked for one crab cake, not a whole tray.

So, Brian Kelly.. [chuckles]

Uh, it was funny, just the other day

I was thinking, uh, wa-- wasn't it, what was it, what was..

I was reading um, uh-- uh, a maga..

I-- I-- I'm doing some close-up magic later.

Don't tell anybody.

[instrumental music]

Hello?

Yeah. What can I do for..

[sighs]

Well, looky, looky, loo.

[laughs] Karen Delaney, right?

How long has it been? 20 years?

Age has done nothing to you.

Yeah, well, it's whacked you in the face

with a shovel and left you for dead! You look like hell.

Honey, I need a favor. [chuckles]

Okay, just to confirm everybody's entrees

there are two steak, two salmon and one big fat chicken.

- That'd be me. - Great.

- Fresh pepper for you? - That'd be fine, pal.

- Terrific. - Ow!

- Okay. - How about an apology?

I'm really sorry.

Not you, Will.

I was talking to Dr. Pepper here.

[chuckles]

I'm so sorry, sir. Fresh pepper for ya?

- No, thank you. - Okay, very good.

Ow!

You just tell me how many of those tapes

there are and how I could get 'em back.

Oh, yeah. I can get that information just like that.

Alright, just let me e-mail headquarters first, alright?

Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop.

[laughs]

I have no friggin' idea!

I mean we made like 50 and then you know sold them

to video stores all over Manhattan.

All over Man.. You lowlife!

Listen, I've built a big life for myself and now it's ruined.

I'm sorry, Karen.

My bad. [chuckles]

Now, how about a little, you know, kissarooni

for old times sake, huh?

How can you even ask me that?

You double-crossing, conniving..

Uh..

- Oh.. - Ah. You see?

See, you couldn't hit me, could you?

That's because deep inside of you,

the flame of passion is still alive.

Now, come on, hot stuff.

How about that kiss, hm? Hm, hm, hm?

You think I would let my bare hand touch that face?

God only knows where it's been.

[instrumental music]

- I just left you a message. - No, no. Don't even start.

I quit.

Why? 'Cause I saw you in one lousy movie?

No, Grace, because the balance of power has shifted between us.

You used to put me on a pedestal

and look at me like I was some kind of a superwoman...

the epitome of everything that's good and decent and true.

Um... okay.

But now when you look at me, all you're gonna see

is the woman in that video.

A bossy, domineering harpy

who uses her body to get what she wants.

You're right. That is a pretty profound shift.

Yeah. So I quit.

I'm just gonna clean out my desk and leave.

There. I'm out of here.

If you need me I'll be in seclusion,

suffering in the dark silence of my Park Avenue mansion of shame,

shame, shame on me.

Karen. Uh, wait.

You... you might wanna take this.

- What's that? - Oh.

It's just... all 50 copies of "Next to Godliness."

Oh, my..

Honey, how did you.. [gasps]

I've been in every sleazy video store in Manhattan.

I went into rooms Bob Guccione wouldn't go into

without a hazmat suit.

I had to weave through icky boxes with titles like...

"Drive This, Miss Daisy..."

"Diddler on the Roof..."

"The Ass Menagerie."

Oh!

So... you never have to worry

about anyone seeing this again.

[sighs]

And I will look at you the same way

I always have...

as a spoiled, shrill, gold-digging socialite

who would sooner chew off her own foot

than do an honest day's work.

Oh, honey, I love ya.

Okay, honey, that's enough. God!

When is your video coming out?

[instrumental music]

Oh, I am starving. What's with these monkeys?

Who do I have to sleep with to get my steak?

Take your pick.

Hey, pepper boy! Where's my dinner?

I'm sorry for the delay, sir.

We're a little shorthanded this evening.

One of my waiters bailed on me

because he has a weak constitution

and is filled with fear and shame.

I don't think I asked for your life story.

I just wanna piece of meat.

Don't we all? [chuckles]

I mean, I'm sure you do. Please be patient.

Be patie.. Whoa, you coppin' an attitude with me?

Whoa, whoa, Brian, take it easy.

No, Will, listen to this guy.

This nobody's taking a tone with me.

No, well, there's-- there's no tone.

He's just doing his job, which is not easy, by the way.

Oh, yeah, it's real hard. He puts rolls in a basket.

Good idea, sir. Why don't I get you some more bread?

Whoa, no, no, no, we're not finished here. Hang on a second.

Hang on a second. Where the hell is my steak?

Alright, that's it. Take your hands off him!

What's your problem?

Well, for one thing, you're creasing my tux.

Jack, you don't have to put up with this.

- I'm working, so I do. - Yeah, well, I don't.

At what point did you decide it was okay

to treat people like this?

Will, I'm not talking to you. Okay?

- I'm talking to pepper, here. - Brian, I got news for ya.

I'm a pepper!

- Excuse me? - I'm a pepper, he's a pepper!

And considering the grades you got in law school,

you're a heartbeat away from being a pepper too.

Now, why don't you sit down, shut up and wait for your meat?

If the rest of you will excuse me...

I have a ballet to perform.

Okay, everyone, round 'em up.

Smile. Step lively.

Releve. Very good. Very proud.

Jack, if I sounded anything like that guy, I'm sorry.

Will, letting me keep this tux means

never having to say you're sorry. [chuckles]

Done. I just wish there was some way I could get back at him.

You mean like putting a laxative in his soup?

Oh, that would be so good!

Already done.

You are awesome.

Don't be so cheery, I put one in yours too.

[instrumental music]

You will not believe the day I had.

No, no, no. No. Whatever it is, I guarantee I can top it.

Okay... you open.

Cater-waitering for Jack at the Waldorf Astoria.

Good open, but I see your Waldorf and raise you

hunting for porn all over Manhattan.

Running into law school classmates

while serving them crab cakes.

Getting groped in an adult video store

by a former New York City mayor.

Enjoying an appetizer of potato, leek and laxative soup.

Oh... that's good.

I don't know if I can.. Oh! Oh. Oh, oh, what's this?

Oh, yes, yes, yes!

Karen, actually doing work.

No, no, Grace, that's not gonna do it.

Let's just go to videotape, shall we?

[instrumental music] Karen: Baby's made a mess.

Karen: Dirty pig baby.

[whip cracks]

Oh, I fold. I fold, yeah.