Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

Psst. I think I've done it.

By adding just a pinch of poblano,

I've taken my recipe for Garlic Jazz,

brought it south of the border,

thereby creating Baja Jazz!

Shall we?

[clears throat]

This must be what bad breath tastes like.

Must be all that jazz.

♪ Everybody dance now

♪ Mm-oo-oo-bow-bow ♪

Ooh, those hips say someone had a good meeting

with Harlin today.

That song says somebody hasn't been to a club

in about ten years.

I just closed a deal for Harlin

to buy a cable company, which means as his attorney

that I am now, ten percent of rolling in it!

- Wow! congratulations! - Mm, yeah.

And I thought I was havin' a good day

'cause the shishlach vendor hit on me.

Grace, this isn't about you. Will and I are rich!

I think the first thing you're gonna buy me

are colored contacts.

I need new eyes for fall.

Come on, Jack, you know the old saying,

"Give Jack a fish, he eats for a day."

"Teach Jack to fish, he brings home a fisherman."

Is it warm in here, or what time is it?

- Oh, my God! - Hm?

- That's not a Folex. - Mm-mm.

Oh, my God! This is not Cashmere with a K.

No, that's Cashmere with a cash,

as in I have tons of it.

Okay, Will, you know that I'm happy for you,

but remember, there is a line between

being enthusiastic and being obnoxious.

I call that line Richard Simmons.

You're right, you're right.

I-- I've got to stay true to myself,

and not let this go to my head.

Speaking of which...

♪ Everybody dance now

♪ mm mm mm mm mm mm mm ♪♪

[theme music]

Okay, so I'm at the ATM,

trying to get twenty bucks to get us some coffee,

and it spits out this piece of paper

that says funds not available.

So I'm like, I don't think so.

And the guy who lives under the envelope table

starts giggling at me.

Anyway, I stick my card back in

and this time it eats my card

and tells me that I am

thousands of dollars overdrawn, thousands.

So, no coffee?

No. No coffee.

No ATM card. No money.

And the worst part of it is that the bank

has me on video going like this...

what?

God, think.

How could this happen? There must be an explanation.

Well, now, I just cashed

all those little checks you've been givin' me.

Could that be it?

Your paychecks?

You cashed, your paychecks?

What! Are you insane?

I thought we had an understanding.

You don't do any work, and in return,

you don't cash your paychecks.

Honey, I had to.

Stan put me on a... budget.

Ugh! That word. Ugh.

I Guess it was that hat that I bought last week

that pushed him over.

Wait. Stan got upset because you bought a hat?

Well, the hat was in Geneva,

and it wasn't really a hat, it was a ski lodge.

[chuckles]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Okay.

Okay, maybe we can help each other out here.

How much does Stan wanna give you?

He actually expects me to live... on this.

[sighs]

Karen, I think you can learn to live on this.

I mean, Spain does, so...

Grace, they wear tires on their feet.

I wear Manolo Blahniks.

Okay, I'll tell you what.

Karen, my friend, you put that money

back into my corporate account,

and I will teach you how to live on a budget.

If this is what it means to live on a budget, then...

Oh! What the hell.

But I'm tellin' you right now,

you start throwin' around words like

Thom McCann and Red Lobster and the deal is off.

[phone rings]

Hey, if I'm not gettin' paid, I, I ca...

Grace Adler Designs.

Hey, I gotta cancel lunch.

Why? What are you gonna buy now, a goat?

What? Why a goat?

It was a joke.

I mean, it's like you already have everything else,

so the only thing left would be...

a goat.

That isn't really a joke.

Okay, it was a bad joke, Will.

No, I, I gotta say it isn't a joke at all.

I mean, it doesn't fit any of the joke criteria.

A, it doesn't make sense, and B, there's nothing funny about it.

Okay, we're done with this. Why are you blowing me off?

I mean, maybe the word goat is--

Will!

Well, I gotta let some clients go, and it may take a while.

Why are you doing that? 'Cause of the Harlin thing?

Well, yeah, he's 90 percent of my business now,

and I gotta devote all my energy to him.

So, you know, time to trim a little fat.

And by "fat," you mean the people

who took a chance on you when you were nobody,

and stuck by you through the good times and bad?

Yeah, fat.

I think I like you better when you were dissing my goat joke.

It wasn't a joke. Goodba-aye.

I've got to let some clients go today,

and I figured since you've been fired more than anyone,

it kinda makes you an expert.

Actually, I've been fired from every job I've ever had.

What I figured is they come in and I, and I--

No, no, no, no. Uneducated Rita, no.

Not here. You can't do it here.

They'll start weeping and wailing,

even spitting, and the next thing you know

security has to come remove me from the office.

You mean my client?

Yeah, that's what I said.

Anyway, here's what you do.

You call them up,

ask them what their favorite lunch place is, okay?

You're in public, so less chance of a scene.

Then you sit 'em down, order 'em a Happy Meal

and can their ass.

Whoo!

A McFiring.

Favorite lunch place, that's, that's not a bad idea.

Yeah, that's how the library did it...

and my boss at the Swiss Colony.

- Will: Mm. - And Nana.

What have you done? Aunt Honey just called me in tears.

Hey, I'm not the one that named her Aunt Honey.

You should have heard her.

"Will won't be my lawyer anymore."

"I made him a cocoa fopurum

and he drops me like a hahachuam?"

A hahac... What?

She was crying so hard, I didn't catch the last word.

How could you?

Grace, you knew this was happening.

I just don't have time for these kinda people anymore.

"These kind of people"?

Grace, it's just business.

You know, when I'm trying to close

a multi-million dollar deal,

I can't be fielding calls from a woman

who wants to sue Entenmann's because she gained six pounds

on their fat-free coffee cake.

Okay, I get it now.

If they don't bring in the cash,

you just get rid of 'em, willy-nilly.

I told you never to call me that.

You know, you used to care about people.

Now, you're just like a bad lawyer joke.

Like how many lawyers does it take

to screw-in a light bulb?

Two. One to screw it in, and the other to...

Wait, three. Wait, I mean...

[gasps] Why can't I tell a joke today?

Sorry that you can't understand it

but this is the way business works.

Not my business.

Well, that's because your job is shopping

for pillows and tassels.

My God, a gay guy could do your job in his sleep.

Whoa.

You know, just because you are becoming

the incarnation of pure evil,

does not give you permission to take it out on me.

I'm just trying to do whatever it takes

to make my business go from here to here.

Yeah, and as a result, your morality

has gone from here to here.

Okay, my interest in this conversation

just went from here to here!

And your lips can go from here to here.

[phone rings]

- Hello. - Hey, Will, it's Harlin.

Will: Hey, Harlin.

Listen, I wa-- I was wonderin'

if you got any free time tomorrow.

I'd like to get together.

Harlin, for my number one client,

I've got nothing but time.

Good, good. What's your favorite lunch place?

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Harlin, I, I just, I just don't wanna

see you make a big mistake.

Harlin: Will, you know I like you,

but I've moved on to a different level now.

I need someone bigger.

It's not personal, it's strictly business.

I understand that, an-- and-- and

I know you said your mind's made up.

It is. My mind's made up.

Right, right, but-- but imagine

just-- just for a second that it isn't.

Well, in order to do that,

I would have to use my mind,

and my mind's made up.

Well, I guess there's no arguing with frontier logic.

Alright, that's, that's your decision

then I have to respect it.

Harlin: Thank you, Will.

You know, I'm gonna have to send

you a copy of "Tuesday's With Morrie."

Really makes you grateful for what you have.

Harlin: See you, partner.

♪ We're in the money

♪ We're in the money we got a lotta ♪♪

What?

How could you let yourself get fired? Oh!

Just breathe, Jack.

But where am I to go from here, Will?

What's to become of me?

I don't think I can handle this anymore.

Jack!

I'm the one that just lost my biggest client.

I'm the one that got fired. Me, remember?

Oh, sure. It's always about you, isn't it?

What am I supposed to do?

Who's gonna pay for my gym membership?

I've got parachute pants on layaway.

And the food, the food. God, I'm giddy from hunger.

And another thing.

When you said a gay guy could do my job in his sleep,

what I should have said was,

"I know one gay guy. I don't know how he sleeps. Hah!"

Finally broke that joke jinx, huh?

Run along, Shecky, I've had a bad day.

- Okay. - Aw!

Will's had a bad day. What happened?

Did you crush someone and they got stuck

in your Gucci sandals? Aw!

Grace, I'm really not in the mood for this.

I don't care. You're gonna listen to me.

You know, you may be on top of the world right now,

but there is a thing called karma,

and one of these days, it's gonna come back

and it's gonna bite you on the ass.

And when it does, I'm gonna be standing over you,

singing the "Told You So" song.

Oh, how's that go again?

♪ Told you so told you so

♪ Told ya told ya told you so ♪

Mother of God, make her stop.

Look, all I'm saying, Will,

is you better pray that Harlin never leaves you--

- Oh, yeah-- - Jack! Jack! Jack!

Look, Harlin is not going to leave me.

Harlin loves me and together,

we're gonna make a lot of money!

Now, have I introduced you to my door?

I hope you're right, Will.

'Cause you know that "Told You So" song?

It comes with a special dance.

And here's a little preview.

[instrumental music]

Okay, Karen, this is working.

I'm consolidating all your credit cards,

and turning the remaining one into a travel card

to save on interest and travel expenses,

and that works out to a savings of...

Voila!

Karen?

Oh, that felt good. Oh, boy. Aah!

Where did you go?

Oh, all of your yap, yap, yappin'

about budgets was bringin' me down,

so I popped into Hermes and told him to give me

five thousand dollars' worth of anything!

[laughs]

Karen, I'm trying to help you.

Look, I know, I know it's scary,

but I promise you, once you get into the swing of things,

it's actually kind of fun.

You know what else is kind of fun? Tuning you out.

Okay, then. [chuckles]

No one can say you didn't give it a good effort.

So, uh, wanna show me what you got?

Sure. Well, look at this cute little sweater set.

Oh, isn't this just delicious. Ooh!

Oh, gosh, the color is just yummy.

Oh, my God, and the fabric, it's just...

[gasps]

You do the budget, or the kid gets it.

[gasps]

You wouldn't dare.

Oh, wouldn't I?

No! You kill one piece and the whole ensemble dies.

Maybe I'll just start with the label.

No, honey! That's the best part! No!

♪ Dunh dunh dunh na na... ♪

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay!

What do you want? What are you talking about?

What are your terms?

You sit down for five minutes and go over this budget with me.

You're just lucky I let my kids take

the pepper spray to school for show and tell.

Attagirl. Okay, let's talk about clothes.

You spend thousands of dollars

in the Madison Avenue boutiques.

Do you know how much you'd save if you just shopped

at that outlet mall in Paramus?

Hm, honey, do you know

how many things are wrong with that sentence?

I am serious. I mean it.

- No, no, no, no. Huh-uh! - The sales tax alone--

If you expect me to shop out of a bin

with a bunch of mall-walking blue hairs

in "I Love Grandma" T-shirts, then you got another thing--

You know what?

This looks like it's my size.

I think, I'm gonna go try it on.

No!

Okay.

Lordy, Lordy, look at all the freaks.

Come on, let's get out of here. There's nothin' here I like.

Uh! Uh! Uh! Uh! No.

You haven't even looked yet.

Come on, you gotta get in there

and sort through the rack.

- The what? - The rack?

You heard the expression "off the rack"?

I know the expression, "Stan, hands off the rack."

[laughs] Bang! Bang!

Oh. Even in the Midwest, I'm funny.

Come on, Karen, dig in.

If you look really hard, you can find some really great, uh...

Okay, this one's got blood on it.

Okay, why don't we just move on to the hemoglobin-free zone.

Honey, the fabrics scare me.

Come on.

Karen, you gotta get into the spirit of it.

I mean, I've, I've found some really cute outfits here.

I'll wear them to work and you tell me how much you hate them.

[imitating Karen] "Honey, what's going on?"

"What's happening? What's all this about?"

Honey, what's this? What are you doing?

Who's that supposed to be?

Come on. We're not leaving 'til you try something on.

Ow!

Oh, it's...

Oh, honey, honey, can we get a couple of seared ahi salads

with honey mustard on the side?

I don't work here.

That wasn't my question, was it? Was it?

Okay. Okay, here we go, here we go.

This is perfect for you.

It's your color, it's your size,

and it's only 28 dollars, hm?

Yeah.

That's a great price.

Uh, would you just excuse me for one second, Grace?

Stan, uh, hi, honey, it's me.

Yes, I'm at Designer Markdowns in Paramus, uh-huh.

Oh, the budget thing's fine, yeah.

Yeah, I'm just about to buy a rhinestone-studded tracksuit.

I thought I'd wear it when we go boating with the Bronfmans.

Okay. Okay. Bye-bye.

Stan's sending the helicopter.

Budget crisis over. [chuckles]

Okay, Grace. Buy yourself a little ugly for work tomorrow.

I'll be on the roof.

Grace.

[laughs] Harlin? Hi.

- Hello. - What are you doing here?

Buying something for the missus.

See, Harlin, that's what I love about you.

No matter how much money you have, you're still

humble enough to appreciate a good bargain.

Oh, not this piece of crap.

I'm buyin' her the whole damn mall.

So, uh, how's Will doing?

I think you'd know better than anyone.

Yeah. Yeah, I do.

But don't worry, I'm on him.

I'm giving him a really hard time.

Whoa. You're a cold-hearted little thing, aren't you?

Well, you know, I mean, if he's gonna let

work get to him like that, it...

it's, it's just so unattractive.

I mean, even I don't wanna be around him.

You know, Grace, I don't presume to understand

the very modern relationship you two got goin',

but in the great state of Texas,

you'd be considered a bitch.

[chuckles] Excuse me?

I just think a person ought to show

a little more compassion when a friend gets fired.

What?

[instrumental music]

- Hi. - Hey.

- How's work? - Oh, it's good.

- It's always good. - Busy?

Oh, you know, you can't imagine.

Harlin is working me to the bones.

Meetings with investors, conference calls, contracts.

Wa-- one point it got so crazy,

I said herewith when I meant notwithstanding.

I don't know how much longer I can keep up this pace.

Will. Will, I know.

What?

I ran into Harlin today.

Oh? He's-- he's still, still not pulling that

practical joke where he pretends like he fired me, did he?

[chuckles] He's so funny with that.

- Will. - Okay.

You were right.

It came back to bite me in the ass. I'm a jerk.

Okay, I-- I-- I got too full of myself,

I got too hung up on the money.

So go ahead, Grace. Give me the whole thing.

Give me the whole "Told You So" song and dance.

Not even a "Told You?"

[scoffs]

Starting over.

I'm a little bit scared here.

I'm not.

Sit down, I got a joke for you.

- Oh, no. No, no. - Come on! Come on!

Come on. Here, sit down.

Ready?

How many gay lawyers does it take to win a case?

- How many? - 37.

One to win the case,

and thirty six to go out to brunch and trash him.

[chuckles]

Ah! Ah! I see a little smile!

I see a little smile! That counts!

That makes it an official joke!