Original subtitles

[theme music]

I'm gonna say this because I love you.

Your disproportionately large head

gives you a marionette-like quality.

What do you think of my eyes?

Two words: Major surgery.

The fact that you can see the white

the entire way around the eyeball,

makes you look well, crazy.

And I say that with love.

- Puppet head. - Crazy eyes.

Ah! I'm not gonna...

Grace: I just can't believe she just...

[screams]

So your mom called?

One message from her and I am completely insane.

Really, can you see the white all the way around your eye?

Come on, Will, he's right here.

Thank you, Lord and Lady Hateful.

Now, if you'll excuse me I'm going to return to a world

of polite people with normal sized heads.

Come on, Jack, he's right here.

So, how many verses did she leave on your machine?

♪ I'm comin' to town

♪ I wanna have lunch with you and Will ♪

♪ And I'm bringin' Andy Fellner ♪♪

Another one of her famous fix-ups.

Can you believe her?

Well, maybe this one'll be cute, you know.

He's gotta be better than the guy she found on

nicejewishchiropractors.com.

I doubt it. I went to camp with Andy Fellner.

Three years in a row, we did the recreation

of Noah's Ark and three years in a row,

Andy was cast in the role of Woodchuck number two.

His one line was

[imitating woodchuck]

- Who were you? - Ahem. Noah's wife.

Oh, very nice.

Who'd you sleep with to get that?

- Well, I was eleven. - Ah.

Although, I did French kiss Yak number one

behind the canteen. He was good.

Yeah, you know what they say

once you go yak, you never go back.

[laughing]

[theme music]

[instrumental music]

Ooh! I want this. Yes, they have it! Cher!

[laughs]

♪ It takes time to move on

♪ I need a love to feel strong ♪♪

Cher? Huh, I don't think so.

She's so over, right?

[whispers] Love you.

Uh, eeny, meeny, miney, Britney.

[chuckles]

- We met in Soho. - It was the Village.

- Gay pride? - Wigstock.

Ah, yes. I remember it well.

- In a cage. - On a box.

- Vodka neat? - On the rocks.

Ah, yes. I remember it well.

- See you around. - Okay.

- Oh! - Oh!

[laughing]

Come on, Jack, we gotta get outa--

What are you lookin' at, sideburns?

Never seen somebody with money and soap?

Come on, come on, break time is over.

Karen, I don't wanna study anymore.

Can't I just wing it tomorrow at Immigration?

No, you have to convince them

that you two are a real married couple

or this one's gonna be spooning ceviche

out of a bucket on a dusty soccer field

back in Chimichangaville.

Listen, lady, in my country, I was a school teacher.

Yeah?

Well, in this country, you wash my bras.

Yeah.

- You better be careful... - Listen, senorita.

I can pick up a dozen of you at any paint store

for a six pack of Genesee Cream and Ale

and a pack of Lucky Strikes!

Oh, Jack. Don't let 'em take my sunshine away.

I love my mommy.

[instrumental music]

Grace. What are you doing?

You look like that guy on Third Avenue

that tried to sell me his toothbrush.

I just wanna have my speech ready

for when my mom gets here.

Grace: I'm not gonna let her run my life anymore.

No more fix-ups.

Grace.

Look, I'm sorry your mother 'causes you

so much pain and embarrassment,

but you've got to look at it this way...

it's incredibly entertaining for me.

Does that help at all?

Will, I know you don't understand these things

because you have a normal repressed passive-aggressive,

panty-wearing mother.

But do you think maybe you could be just a teeny bit supportive?

Okay. I'm sorry. Support can be beautiful.

I'm right here if you need an assist.

[Grace sighs]

I feel good, I feel calm, I feel ready.

- Can we go? - Ooh! Too late.

- The mother ship has landed. - Aah!

♪ 76 trombones led the big parade ♪

♪ With 110 cornets close behind-- ♪♪

Mom, you do realize that parade is only in your head?

Bobbi, you are as always, a vision.

Well, if you were any more delicious

I'd have to spread you on a cracker right here.

- Ah! - Mm.

That was really nice for me.

- How's my favorite daughter? - Hi, mom.

[chuckles]

She's not really my favorite.

I say that to all my girls, it makes them feel special.

Ah!

Uh, so, mom, how's "The Music Man" going?

Dad said it opens next week.

Well, excuse me, it's "Music Person".

[chuckles]

I am starring as Professor Carol Hill.

Ah!

Well, if it's half as good as your performance

as Millie Loman in "Death Of A Salesperson..."

I'm so excited about this match.

You know, Andy and Grace went to camp together, Will.

Yes, I heard. Woodchuck number two.

- Huh? - Oh, he was good.

[imitating woodchuck]

Oh! He's here, he's here.

Andy! Look, we're over here, dear.

- Hi. - Hello, doll.

And you remember Grace.

- Yeah, hey. - Andy.

- Hi. - Grace.

- Hi. - Hi.

- This is, this is Will. - Hello.

Hey, Andy, nice to meet you.

Sit down, sit down, sit down, sit down.

So, so, last week, Andy's mother called me...

Uh, mom, mom, no, no.

I'd, I-- I've got to interrupt you

'cause there's, there's something I wanna say,

and Andy believe me, this has absolutely

nothing to do with you.

Since the dawn of time...

parents and children have woven an uneasy rug.

With the twin strands of co-dependence

and independence.

Move it along, Grace, I'm in my late 40's.

Okay, okay, mom, what-- what-- what I am...

What I'm trying to say to you is that...

Andy, I think you're a really great guy.

I think you're a really great girl.

- Grace-- - Mom, no. Let me finish.

Look, how many times do we have to go through this?

I'm sure that Andy is a really great guy

but, but clearly he's not for me.

That's right. Andy's here to meet Will.

Oh. Well, ain't that a kick in the head.

Uh, will you excuse us a moment?

Grace, can I see you over by the chutney bar?

I don't really like chutney.

It's not about the chutney.

I am not getting fixed-up by your mother.

Oh, I'm sorry, I know, this is so embarrassing for you,

but, but, but look at it this way,

it's incredibly entertaining for me.

[scoffs] I am not doing it, Grace...

That's fine. I totally understand.

- But, but just, just one thing. - What?

- You have to. - What?

You'll tell my mom how bad it is.

She'll believe you because,

well, you didn't come out of her.

[mumbling]

And then, and then she will finally realize

what a bad matchmaker she is

and she will stop fixing me up.

- Grace, I-- - Oh, please, please.

Please, please, please. Please, please...

Clearly, I'm not gonna win this argument.

- Okay, one date. - Oh, thank you.

[mumbling]

Besides, I, I may get to answer the age old question.

What's that?

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck?

[instrumental music]

What are we doing here?

I'm missing "Nash Bridges."

Well, you made a match between Will and Andy

and the date's almost over, so I just wanted you to be here

so you could witness the, uh, fruits of your labor.

[scoffs] I don't think we should be here.

What if they wanna come back

for a little touchie-nookie-nicky.

Mom, can I take you to my therapist?

Because, he thinks I'm making you up.

What do the boys make out to these days?

Is it still Judy?

What are you smiling at?

You really think you have a knack for this, don't you?

Even after you set me up with Stanley Fink,

the mortician.

Scott Barkey, who had to touch everything ten times...

then smell it.

You could have done a lot worse than Stanley Fink.

Mom, he was a mortician.

He touched dead people and then cooked me short ribs.

But you know what? Why, why take my word for it?

Why don't we just wait and see what Will has to say?

I think then maybe you'll know why I'm smiling.

That is one terrific woodchuck.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Uh, Rosario, what does Jack's father do?

Make people feel bad about who they are.

This is no time to be fooling around--

- Karen, she's right. - Karen: Oh.

Rosario, you'll go in first.

I need some water.

Again, what are you, snackin' on a salt lick

when I'm not looking?

Look, Jack, there goes my world.

There goes my everything.

Would you stop worrying? She's just a maid.

Just a maid? [panting]

That's like saying that Pradas are just shoes or...

vodka is just a morning beverage.

Huh. I can't...

Karen, please, the dramatics.

Don't you understand how she...

Okay.

I am going to tell you something that I've never told anyone.

Rosario is my mother.

- She is not your mother. - Alright, she's not my mother.

[sighs]

But sweet nectar of the Gods,

nobody gets the Merlot out of my nylons

like that lil' plantain.

- Karen. - Karen: Well.

She runs the entire house.

She-- she alphabetizes my medicine cabinet

she knows the ins and--

Karen!

She's my friend.

[sighs]

She is not your friend.

[sighs]

Oh, my God, she is.

[sighs]

Wow! Real feelings.

- Are you okay? - Mm.

Look, Karen. Just leave everything to me.

I promise nothing will go wrong, okay?

Okay, I'll see Mr. and Mrs. McFarland now.

- Oh! - Yes.

[chuckles]

I remember him well.

The last guy I went out with wasn't a fix-up.

He was more of a fixer-upper.

[chuckles]

I used to call him "This old boyfriend."

[laughing]

Hi, Andy, Will. I'm-- I'm sorry to bother you.

My latch, it's stuck.

Can you do that trick that you do to unstick it?

You know, the whack, the bang, and the wiggle-wiggle-waggle?

I'm really sorry you had to hear that.

- Excuse me. - That's okay.

- Whack, bang, wiggle-wiggle? - It was code.

For what, "I'm twelve?"

You sold me out.

Grace, go to bed.

You've obviously had a very busy day of crazy.

No, no. I don't think so.

You were supposed to be proving a point to my mother,

not selfishly sharing a nice evening with someone.

This completely flies in the face of my master plan!

Master plan? What are you, "Simon Bar Sinister?"

- Grace, I like him. - Well, cut it out!

Look, you don't even know him.

Uh, for your information, he sucked at tetherball.

Yeah, uh-huh, he-- he showered in his underwear...

and he once barfed s'mores all over the lodge.

But, no, Will has to go and find his good side.

When did you get to be so spiteful?

Guess what. Eh, this isn't about you, this is about me.

And if you have a problem with that,

then it's something you should take up with your pharmacist.

I'm going back to my apartment, have a glass a wine,

some nice conversation and perhaps, if all goes well,

a little whack, bang, wiggle-wiggle.

Goodnight.

[instrumental music]

How could you not know he worked for the INS?

Don't they teach you anything at homo school?

So what kind of music does your, uh, husband like?

Well, when he's doing butt-robics, he likes 'N Sync.

But for the spinning class, he prefers the oldies,

you know, "Frankie Goes To Hollywood".

♪ Relax stop doing that

♪ Relax stop doing that ♪

And-- and where did you two meet?

Hm, let me guess. It was Boy Bar.

Mister, I don't know what you're talking about.

It was a blind date and we went to Arby's.

Okay, let's stop pretending.

I've gotten farther with your husband than you have.

I hope your bags are packed,

'cause you're going back to El Salvador.

Oh, my God! Honey, they're sending her back. Oh!

- No, they're not. - Ah!

No one's goin' anywhere!

How dare you imply our marriage is a sham?

Uh, you're gay.

What, a guy sleeps with guys and, eh, immediately

he's pegged as gay?

Let me tell you a little something

about the day I met Rosario.

I looked over the top of those half glasses...

into those big brown eyes and I knew from that moment

love had found Jack McFarland.

Oh, my Cha-Cha.

Rosario, my love, my life, my all...

I adore you.

You had me at hola.

Good Lord.

You know you shouldn't look but there is a certain

morbid fascination, isn't there?

Sweetie, I believe this is yours.

Now, I've seen people desperate to be an American

but that is desperate to be an American.

Fine, you pass. See you in six months.

We never met.

We won! Oh, honey, you were magnificent.

And the light is back in my life. Oh, honey.

You know, it's funny how sometimes

you just don't realize how much you might miss something

until it's almost gone, which reminds me,

I've got a Chanel suit at the dry cleaners

and boy did I miss it! Come on.

They close in an hour. Move it or lose it.

Muy caliente.

[instrumental music]

Sorry, for all these interruptions.

I promise Grace will not be coming back.

Now, you, uh, wanna watch some TV or do you wanna...

save that for two years from now

when we have nothing to say to each other?

Will, there's something wrong with the door.

The chain's on.

Well, that's because I couldn't weld it shut.

Hello, hello, hello. Hello, hello, hello.

Hey, hey! Francis.

What is the number one rule in the Will and Grace rule book?

- No white belts? - No. Incorrect.

It's, "God help the sister that comes between me and my mister."

You know, even though I am not a superhero,

I can still hear you.

This is getting a little weird. I think I should just go.

No. No, no, this'll just take a second.

No, listen, she obviously has a problem.

Why don't you figure out what it is and call me tomorrow...

from a secure location.

- Unbelievable. - Oh!

Don't put this on me. You screwed this up.

If you had just stuck to the master plan--

Stop mentioning the plan. There is no plan.

Don't say master, don't say plan.

All I'm saying is if you had just told my mother

that you hated Andy--

I don't hate Andy. I like Andy.

Well, Humphrey Bogart liked Ingrid Bergman,

but he gave her up for the good of the Resistance.

Have you been swinging from power lines?

All I'm saying is if you had just followed the program,

formerly known as, "The master plan..."

my mother would stop fixing me up.

Grace, let me ask you a question.

Has your mother fixed you up the whole time she's been here?

- No. - Has she mentioned anything?

- About fixing you up? - No.

Do you get the slightest impression that a fix-up

is anywhere on the horizon?

- No! - Then what's your damage?

- Heather? Yes! Damage! - My damage? My damage?

My damage is that she stopped fixing me up!

Yeah.

I think that's a discussion between you and your mom.

Will: I'm gonna go find Andy.

How'd you get this nuts?

I guess we'll never know.

- I made him wait in the lobby. - Will: Thank you.

Mom, have you given up on me?

Darling, I don't know what you're talking about.

Why have you stopped fixing me up?

Well, Grace, you told me to stop interfering

in your life, so I stopped.

But, mom, I've been saying that ever since you snuck falsies

into my band uniform.

- What's different now? - I listen.

You're a mother. You're not supposed to listen.

Then what do you want me to do?

I don't want you to fix me up.

But I want you to want to fix me up.

I just don't want you to want me to want to go out

with the guys that you want to fix me up with.

You know, this rambling problem comes from your grandmother.

Uh, honey, uh, whatever you said...

I promise I'll try.

Thanks, mom.

[sighs] The gays are so much easier.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

I'm so sorry.

Well, I'm sorry tha-- tha...

I didn't do anything wrong.

God! you've got me well-trained.

[sighs] Come here.

You two feel something when you hug?

Anything, because, Will, if you did

it'd make my life so much easier.