All language subtitles for Will & Grace (1998) - S02E04 - Whose Mom is it Anyway 1080p WEBDL h264 AAC 2.0

[theme music]

I'm gonna
say this because I love you.

Your disproportionately
large head

gives you a marionette-like
quality.

What do you think of my eyes?

Two words: Major surgery.

The fact
that you can see the white

the entire way around
the eyeball,

makes you look
well, crazy.

And I say that with love.

- Puppet head.
- Crazy eyes.

Ah! I'm not gonna...

Grace: I just can't believe
she just...

[screams]

So your mom called?

One message from her
and I am completely insane.

Really, can you see the white
all the way around your eye?

Come on, Will,
he's right here.

Thank you,
Lord and Lady Hateful.

Now, if you'll excuse me
I'm going to return to a world

of polite people
with normal sized heads.

Come on, Jack,
he's right here.

So, how many verses
did she leave on your machine?

♪ I'm comin' to town

♪ I wanna have lunch
with you and Will ♪

♪ And I'm bringin'
Andy Fellner ♪♪

Another one
of her famous fix-ups.

Can you believe her?

Well, maybe
this one'll be cute, you know.

He's gotta be better than
the guy she found on

nicejewishchiropractors.com.

I doubt it. I went to camp
with Andy Fellner.

Three years in a row,
we did the recreation

of Noah's Ark
and three years in a row,

Andy was cast in the role
of Woodchuck number two.

His one line was

[imitating woodchuck]

- Who were you?
- Ahem. Noah's wife.

Oh, very nice.

Who'd you sleep with
to get that?

- Well, I was eleven.
- Ah.

Although, I did French kiss
Yak number one

behind the canteen.
He was good.

Yeah, you know what they say

once you go yak,
you never go back.

[laughing]

[theme music]

[instrumental music]

Ooh! I want this.
Yes, they have it! Cher!

[laughs]

♪ It takes time to move on

♪ I need a love
to feel strong ♪♪

Cher? Huh,
I don't think so.

She's so over, right?

[whispers]
Love you.

Uh, eeny, meeny, miney,
Britney.

[chuckles]

- We met in Soho.
- It was the Village.

- Gay pride?
- Wigstock.

Ah, yes.
I remember it well.

- In a cage.
- On a box.

- Vodka neat?
- On the rocks.

Ah, yes.
I remember it well.

- See you around.
- Okay.

- Oh!
- Oh!

[laughing]

Come on, Jack,
we gotta get outa--

What are you lookin' at,
sideburns?

Never seen somebody
with money and soap?

Come on, come on,
break time is over.

Karen, I don't wanna
study anymore.

Can't I just wing it tomorrow
at Immigration?

No, you have to convince them

that you two
are a real married couple

or this one's gonna be
spooning ceviche

out of a bucket
on a dusty soccer field

back in Chimichangaville.

Listen, lady, in my country,
I was a school teacher.

Yeah?

Well, in this country,
you wash my bras.

Yeah.

- You better be careful...
- Listen, senorita.

I can pick up a dozen of you
at any paint store

for a six pack
of Genesee Cream and Ale

and a pack of Lucky Strikes!

Oh, Jack. Don't let 'em
take my sunshine away.

I love my mommy.

[instrumental music]

Grace.
What are you doing?

You look like that guy
on Third Avenue

that tried to sell me
his toothbrush.

I just wanna have
my speech ready

for when my mom gets here.

Grace: I'm not gonna let her
run my life anymore.

No more fix-ups.

Grace.

Look, I'm sorry your mother
'causes you

so much pain
and embarrassment,

but you've got to look
at it this way...

it's incredibly entertaining
for me.

Does that help at all?

Will, I know you don't
understand these things

because you have a normal
repressed passive-aggressive,

panty-wearing mother.

But do you think maybe you could
be just a teeny bit supportive?

Okay. I'm sorry.
Support can be beautiful.

I'm right here
if you need an assist.

[Grace sighs]

I feel good,
I feel calm, I feel ready.

- Can we go?
- Ooh! Too late.

- The mother ship has landed.
- Aah!

♪ 76 trombones
led the big parade ♪

♪ With 110 cornets
close behind-- ♪♪

Mom, you do realize that parade
is only in your head?

Bobbi, you are as always,
a vision.

Well, if you were any more
delicious

I'd have to spread you
on a cracker right here.

- Ah!
- Mm.

That was really nice for me.

- How's my favorite daughter?
- Hi, mom.

[chuckles]

She's not really my favorite.

I say that to all my girls,
it makes them feel special.

Ah!

Uh, so, mom,
how's "The Music Man" going?

Dad said it opens next week.

Well, excuse me,
it's "Music Person".

[chuckles]

I am starring
as Professor Carol Hill.

Ah!

Well, if it's half
as good as your performance

as Millie Loman
in "Death Of A Salesperson..."

I'm so excited
about this match.

You know, Andy and Grace
went to camp together, Will.

Yes, I heard.
Woodchuck number two.

- Huh?
- Oh, he was good.

[imitating woodchuck]

Oh! He's here, he's here.

Andy! Look,
we're over here, dear.

- Hi.
- Hello, doll.

And you remember Grace.

- Yeah, hey.
- Andy.

- Hi.
- Grace.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- This is, this is Will.
- Hello.

Hey, Andy,
nice to meet you.

Sit down, sit down,
sit down, sit down.

So, so, last week,
Andy's mother called me...

Uh, mom, mom, no, no.

I'd, I--
I've got to interrupt you

'cause there's,
there's something I wanna say,

and Andy believe me,
this has absolutely

nothing to do with you.

Since the dawn of time...

parents and children
have woven an uneasy rug.

With the twin strands
of co-dependence

and independence.

Move it along, Grace,
I'm in my late 40's.

Okay, okay, mom,
what-- what-- what I am...

What I'm trying to say
to you is that...

Andy, I think
you're a really great guy.

I think you're a really
great girl.

- Grace--
- Mom, no. Let me finish.

Look, how many times
do we have to go through this?

I'm sure that Andy
is a really great guy

but, but clearly
he's not for me.

That's right.
Andy's here to meet Will.

Oh. Well,
ain't that a kick in the head.

Uh, will you excuse us
a moment?

Grace, can I see you over
by the chutney bar?

I don't really like chutney.

It's not about the chutney.

I am not getting
fixed-up by your mother.

Oh, I'm sorry, I know,
this is so embarrassing for you,

but, but,
but look at it this way,

it's incredibly entertaining
for me.

[scoffs]
I am not doing it, Grace...

That's fine.
I totally understand.

- But, but just, just one thing.
- What?

- You have to.
- What?

You'll tell my mom
how bad it is.

She'll believe you because,

well, you didn't come out
of her.

[mumbling]

And then, and then
she will finally realize

what a bad matchmaker she is

and she will stop
fixing me up.

- Grace, I--
- Oh, please, please.

Please, please, please.
Please, please...

Clearly, I'm not gonna
win this argument.

- Okay, one date.
- Oh, thank you.

[mumbling]

Besides, I, I may get to answer
the age old question.

What's that?

How much wood
would a woodchuck chuck?

[instrumental music]

What are we doing here?

I'm missing "Nash Bridges."

Well, you made a match
between Will and Andy

and the date's almost over,
so I just wanted you to be here

so you could witness
the, uh, fruits of your labor.

[scoffs]
I don't think we should be here.

What if they wanna come back

for a little
touchie-nookie-nicky.

Mom, can I take you
to my therapist?

Because,
he thinks I'm making you up.

What do the boys make out
to these days?

Is it still Judy?

What are you smiling at?

You really think you have
a knack for this, don't you?

Even after you set me up
with Stanley Fink,

the mortician.

Scott Barkey, who had to touch
everything ten times...

then smell it.

You could have done
a lot worse than Stanley Fink.

Mom, he was a mortician.

He touched dead people
and then cooked me short ribs.

But you know what?
Why, why take my word for it?

Why don't we just wait
and see what Will has to say?

I think then maybe
you'll know why I'm smiling.

That is
one terrific woodchuck.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Uh, Rosario,
what does Jack's father do?

Make people feel bad
about who they are.

This is no time
to be fooling around--

- Karen, she's right.
- Karen: Oh.

Rosario,
you'll go in first.

I need some water.

Again, what are you,
snackin' on a salt lick

when I'm not looking?

Look, Jack,
there goes my world.

There goes my everything.

Would you stop worrying?
She's just a maid.

Just a maid?
[panting]

That's like saying that Pradas
are just shoes or...

vodka is just
a morning beverage.

Huh. I can't...

Karen, please, the dramatics.

Don't you understand
how she...

Okay.

I am going to tell you something
that I've never told anyone.

Rosario is my mother.

- She is not your mother.
- Alright, she's not my mother.

[sighs]

But sweet nectar of the Gods,

nobody gets the Merlot
out of my nylons

like that lil' plantain.

- Karen.
- Karen: Well.

She runs the entire house.

She-- she alphabetizes
my medicine cabinet

she knows the ins and--

Karen!

She's my friend.

[sighs]

She is not your friend.

[sighs]

Oh, my God, she is.

[sighs]

Wow! Real feelings.

- Are you okay?
- Mm.

Look, Karen.
Just leave everything to me.

I promise nothing
will go wrong, okay?

Okay, I'll see
Mr. and Mrs. McFarland now.

- Oh!
- Yes.

[chuckles]

I remember him well.

The last guy I went out with
wasn't a fix-up.

He was more of a fixer-upper.

[chuckles]

I used to call him
"This old boyfriend."

[laughing]

Hi, Andy, Will.
I'm-- I'm sorry to bother you.

My latch, it's stuck.

Can you do that trick
that you do to unstick it?

You know, the whack, the bang,
and the wiggle-wiggle-waggle?

I'm really sorry
you had to hear that.

- Excuse me.
- That's okay.

- Whack, bang, wiggle-wiggle?
- It was code.

For what, "I'm twelve?"

You sold me out.

Grace, go to bed.

You've obviously
had a very busy day of crazy.

No, no. I don't think so.

You were supposed to be proving
a point to my mother,

not selfishly sharing
a nice evening with someone.

This completely flies
in the face of my master plan!

Master plan? What are you,
"Simon Bar Sinister?"

- Grace, I like him.
- Well, cut it out!

Look, you don't even know him.

Uh, for your information,
he sucked at tetherball.

Yeah, uh-huh, he-- he showered
in his underwear...

and he once barfed s'mores
all over the lodge.

But, no, Will has to go
and find his good side.

When did you get to be
so spiteful?

Guess what. Eh, this isn't
about you, this is about me.

And if you have
a problem with that,

then it's something you should
take up with your pharmacist.

I'm going back to my apartment,
have a glass a wine,

some nice conversation
and perhaps, if all goes well,

a little
whack, bang, wiggle-wiggle.

Goodnight.

[instrumental music]

How could you not know
he worked for the INS?

Don't they teach you
anything at homo school?

So what kind of music
does your, uh, husband like?

Well, when he's doing
butt-robics, he likes 'N Sync.

But for the spinning class,
he prefers the oldies,

you know,
"Frankie Goes To Hollywood".

♪ Relax stop doing that

♪ Relax stop doing that ♪

And-- and where
did you two meet?

Hm, let me guess.
It was Boy Bar.

Mister, I don't know
what you're talking about.

It was a blind date
and we went to Arby's.

Okay, let's stop pretending.

I've gotten farther
with your husband than you have.

I hope your bags are packed,

'cause you're going back
to El Salvador.

Oh, my God! Honey,
they're sending her back. Oh!

- No, they're not.
- Ah!

No one's goin' anywhere!

How dare you
imply our marriage is a sham?

Uh, you're gay.

What, a guy sleeps
with guys and, eh, immediately

he's pegged as gay?

Let me tell you
a little something

about the day I met Rosario.

I looked over the top
of those half glasses...

into those big brown eyes
and I knew from that moment

love had found Jack McFarland.

Oh, my Cha-Cha.

Rosario, my love,
my life, my all...

I adore you.

You had me at hola.

Good Lord.

You know you shouldn't look
but there is a certain

morbid fascination,
isn't there?

Sweetie,
I believe this is yours.

Now, I've seen people
desperate to be an American

but that is desperate
to be an American.

Fine, you pass.
See you in six months.

We never met.

We won! Oh, honey,
you were magnificent.

And the light is back
in my life. Oh, honey.

You know,
it's funny how sometimes

you just don't realize how much
you might miss something

until it's almost gone,
which reminds me,

I've got a Chanel suit
at the dry cleaners

and boy did I miss it!
Come on.

They close in an hour.
Move it or lose it.

Muy caliente.

[instrumental music]

Sorry, for all these
interruptions.

I promise Grace
will not be coming back.

Now, you, uh, wanna watch
some TV or do you wanna...

save that
for two years from now

when we have nothing
to say to each other?

Will, there's something wrong
with the door.

The chain's on.

Well, that's
because I couldn't weld it shut.

Hello, hello, hello.
Hello, hello, hello.

Hey, hey! Francis.

What is the number one rule
in the Will and Grace rule book?

- No white belts?
- No. Incorrect.

It's, "God help the sister that
comes between me and my mister."

You know, even though
I am not a superhero,

I can still hear you.

This is getting a little weird.
I think I should just go.

No. No, no,
this'll just take a second.

No, listen,
she obviously has a problem.

Why don't you figure out what it
is and call me tomorrow...

from a secure location.

- Unbelievable.
- Oh!

Don't put this on me.
You screwed this up.

If you had just stuck
to the master plan--

Stop mentioning the plan.
There is no plan.

Don't say master,
don't say plan.

All I'm saying is if you had
just told my mother

that you hated Andy--

I don't hate Andy.
I like Andy.

Well, Humphrey Bogart
liked Ingrid Bergman,

but he gave her up
for the good of the Resistance.

Have you been swinging
from power lines?

All I'm saying is if you had
just followed the program,

formerly known as,
"The master plan..."

my mother would stop
fixing me up.

Grace, let me ask you
a question.

Has your mother fixed you up
the whole time she's been here?

- No.
- Has she mentioned anything?

- About fixing you up?
- No.

Do you get the slightest
impression that a fix-up

is anywhere on the horizon?

- No!
- Then what's your damage?

- Heather? Yes! Damage!
- My damage? My damage?

My damage is that she stopped
fixing me up!

Yeah.

I think that's a discussion
between you and your mom.

Will: I'm gonna go find Andy.

How'd you get this nuts?

I guess we'll never know.

- I made him wait in the lobby.
- Will: Thank you.

Mom, have you given up on me?

Darling, I don't know
what you're talking about.

Why have you stopped
fixing me up?

Well, Grace, you told me
to stop interfering

in your life, so I stopped.

But, mom, I've been saying that
ever since you snuck falsies

into my band uniform.

- What's different now?
- I listen.

You're a mother.
You're not supposed to listen.

Then what
do you want me to do?

I don't want you to fix me up.

But I want you to
want to fix me up.

I just don't want you
to want me to want to go out

with the guys that you want
to fix me up with.

You know, this rambling problem
comes from your grandmother.

Uh, honey,
uh, whatever you said...

I promise I'll try.

Thanks, mom.

[sighs]
The gays are so much easier.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

I'm so sorry.

Well, I'm sorry tha-- tha...

I didn't do anything wrong.

God!
you've got me well-trained.

[sighs]
Come here.

You two feel something
when you hug?

Anything,
because, Will, if you did

it'd make my life
so much easier.