Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

Hmm, I wonder what's in the paper today?

Let's see. War, famine.

The computer I bought a month ago is now half the price.

And on the front page of the art section...

[gasps] Oh, my, God! It's me!

Let me see.

Will, Will, Will, buy me a computer?

I want one in tangerine to match the shoes

you're gonna get me later.

I think you missed the point of Grace's entrance.

Let me see.

Uh, "From Warehouse to Our House

The Transformation of a Tribeca Loft."

Get to me! Get to me!

Oh, yeah, alright, um, um,

"Manhattan interior designer, Grace Adler, 26..."

Must've been a typo.

More like a lie-o.

Grace, this is great.

There's a picture and everything.

- Look at that gorgeous face. - Look at the leather pants.

Look at those massive jugs.

Yeah, what's goin' on there?

What are you talking about?

My... jugs look exactly like they do in the picture.

They, they definitely don't.

No, I mean, these, these are

like five times the size.

I mean, maybe, it was the-- the angle the photograph was taken.

You know, that King Kong was only eight inches tall.

Look, let me show you. Here.

And I'm a gay man, so this means nothing.

This is how big yours are.

See, where-- whereas the picture

gives the illusion of like this-ness.

You're crazy!

Grace, let me see now. [clearing throat]

I am also a gay man, so this means nothing.

Yeah, Will's right. These are definitely smaller.

Mm-hm.

Oh, my God, I just got to second with Grace.

I guess, they do look a little huge-esque.

Do me. See how big mine are.

- Jack, no. - Come on, you got felt up.

Okay, but I'm a straight woman, so this means nothing.

Okay.

Someone's been working out.

Guilty.

Hey, hey, Gracie, you know, while you're givin' it away

over there, you know?

[gasps] Now these are some knockers.

Thank you. Huh?

Hmm.

What's goin' on here?

- Okay, this just got weird. - That's true.

[theme music]

Hi.

Oh, look, it's the dynamic duo. Oh, and Will. Huh.

So, you've seen the picture.

Yeah, honey, what happened there?

Oh, Grace, you got a call from a guy.

It was about a person...

or a place or a thing. Uh, some...

Okay, that's a start.

We know a human being called regarding a noun.

[chuckles]

Devil, I wrote it down here some... Let's see.

What was I... Oh, I was putting on my face when...

Oh, there it is. There.

Donald Dorio called?

Oh, my God! No way! He's such a fox!

Good, Lord. A pack of cigs and a pregnancy scare

and this could be high school.

Donald Dorio was high school for me.

Even though he wouldn't give me the time of day.

Anyway, I heard he's an artist now.

He must have, uh...

He must've seen the article

and liked what I did with the loft. Tsk, tsk.

Yeah, the loft.

- Gotta be the loft. - Will: 'Mmm.'

Hey, the guy is an artist.

He was just responding to an aesthetic.

Yeah, the aesthetic of your giant hooters.

Will is right, honey.

Mr. High School called

because he thinks you're stacked.

Now, if you actually were

you would understand the effect that they have on men.

But, alas, Mother Nature did not bless you as she did me.

Said the woman whose frown lines were filled with ass fat.

Karen: Oh.

- Bye-bye. - Grace: Bye.

I'm gonna call him.

Alright. Don't be too chatty.

Just make your breasts sound big.

Don, hi, it's Grace Adler.

How are you? It's... It has been a really long time.

Yes, yes.

Uh, that was a loft I did about a month ago.

I'm very proud of it.

[chuckles]

Oh, yes.

That-- that was me in the picture.

Bingo.

What? Oh, I-- I-- I would love to.

Yes, I know exactly where it is. Okay

He's part of a group show at the Zelman Gallery.

And he invited me.

[gasping]

What?

He thinks you've got big melons.

So, if I were you, Grace, I would figure out a way

to turn those honey donts into some honey dos.

[instrumental music]

Jack, could I get some help here, please?

I think I'm gonna bring back paisley.

It's so funny that you mentioned paisley because...

Do something!

I think you're sitting on the remote.

Why is there an earring in your sofa?

It's probably Grace's.

It looks just like the skull earring

I gave my old boyfriend, Walter.

Uh... well...

It looks like a pretty common skull.

I had a W engraved on it, you know, for Walter.

- Isn't that sweet? - Mm-hmm.

Oh, look, this one has an M.

Ja-- Jack, it's not what you think.

You fooled around with my Walter.

Okay, it is what you think.

But, but, Jack, it's... Jack!

'He wasn't your Walter at the time.'

You know, I mean, you'd broken up long ago.

You know, he was, he was Walter up for grabs.

So, I-- I grabbed, you know?

- How could you? - It was one time.

Commandment number one in the gay Bible

"Thou shalt not covet my ex's ass."

Jack, is that from the "Book of Gene-sissy?"

That's so funny. That's it! Goodbye!

- Jack, Jack! - Sinner!

Well, you couldn't be that angry.

You barely even slammed the door.

Hey, honey, how are you makin' out with the fake boobies?

Grace: This is crazy. I don't need this.

Yeah, whatever, honey.

Just bring out the floatin' fun bags.

See? This is ridiculous.

I look like a ski resort.

Look at you, honey. Look, look, look.

You're all grown up. Oh.

Leave it to a man to invent a bra filled with water.

Come on, everybody in your condition wears 'em.

They make objects appear larger than they really are.

Okay, now let's buy that puppy and get the hell out of here.

No. No, I don't want this.

I don't want lingerie that a goldfish could live in.

Look, I feel completely comfortable the way I am.

Don likes me for me.

[laughs]

Oh, honey, I'm tellin' ya

you should do stand-up. That's good.

- Oh. - Karen, he does.

Yeah, okay, well, then let me ask you one question.

Um, did Donald Dorio have a girlfriend in high school?

I'll take one in every color.

- Hi, how are you? - What?

Where have you been? I've been trying to call you all day.

Oh, what a coincidence.

I've been trying to ignore you all day.

That is so funny.

And you might want to talk to your wife

about the quality of her snacks.

There's nothin' in her fridge but batteries and mayonnaise.

See ya, wouldn't want to be ya.

You're stealing food from her now? I'm-- I'm hurt.

You're hurt?

Jack, come on. Give me a break.

I-- I left 32 "I'm sorrys" on your answering machine.

And even one "I'm saw-wy."

Come on. I just shopped at Balducci's.

I'll go in, but, only to grab a Balance Bar and some chicken

then I've gotta go.

- Jack. - Excuse me, in a rush.

I'm meeting Rory at the Mandy Bar.

You remember Rory.

Yeah, he's the friend that never

slept with any of my boyfriends.

Jack, if I'm supposed to stay away from every guy

you've ever slept with that would leave me with... women.

For your information, Will

Walter was the love of my life.

Oh, you've said that about each Backstreet Boy

at one time or another.

Besides, you-- you guys only went out for what, a month?

Yeah. And then he dumped me.

You remember what that feels like, huh? It hurts.

I had no idea. You never mentioned it.

Oh, how often do you talk about Michael? Oh, that's right.

All the time, because you're so self-absorbed.

But, me, I don't wear my heart on my sleeve.

Okay, I get it. I screwed up.

What-- what-- what is this gonna cost me?

Not much. Just a friend.

Jack, I know you're not that angry,

because you didn't slam the door.

Slam the door, Jack.

Jack?

[instrumental music]

Oh, I'm so sorry that I'm late, but...

Hello, kitties.

Wha-- what's with that?

It's a Hydra Bra. [chuckles]

Water filled for extra perkiness.

[laughs]

You would not believe the day I've had.

Guys whistling at me, shouting lewd comments.

It was fantastic.

Sweetie, you don't need those. You're perfect.

Yeah, but, you know, I just...

I wanted to look good for Don.

Hey, all I'm saying is you do what you have to do

to make yourself feel a little more attractive.

Well, I just want to go on record as saying

it is wrong to lie.

By the way, I told Jack that Cher is gonna be here tonight.

- Cher's here? - No. No.

I just told him that,

so he'd come here to meet Walter.

- Who's Walter? - I told you this.

God, do the boobs make you dumber?

I'm gonna go look at myself in the mirror again.

Cher? Cher? Cher!

Oh, sorry. Oh...

Where is she? What-- what's she wearing?

♪ Gypsies tramps...

Jack, Jack, Jack. Jack, she's not here yet.

Now, just calm down and have an hors d'oeuvre.

Hey, hey, hey, don't get so chummy.

I ain't sure I'm liking you yet.

- Karen. - Hmm?

Watch.

Huh?

Welcome to my world, honey.

- And thank you for inviting me. - Oh. Ha-ha.

Oh, no, but seriously, Karen, I mean, you just...

You really took an interest

and I just want to tell you how much I appreciate it.

Well, Grace, you know, we joke a lot

but, when you get right down to it--

- There's Don, get lost. - Ah.

Grace Adler, I can't believe it. I'm so glad you came.

Me too.

Wow. Look at you.

Look, I gotta go play host for a few minutes.

Uh, I'll find you.

We'll be here. I'll be here.

[chuckles]

Oh, my God! I think he likes me!

- Okay. - Thank you so much.

Okay, okay. Push me again and you die.

Oh, wait, honey, I think you're caught on my brooch.

Oh, I got it. Okay. There you go.

Oh, my gosh.

His art is amazing. Look at that.

Oh, my God.

- Will, what are you doing? - I think you've sprung a leak.

What are you talking about? [gasps]

I haven't been with a woman in a some time

but, I'm pretty sure they're not supposed to do that.

Oh, my God.

Good Lord, why don't you two get a room.

Oh, my God. Okay. Just start walking, okay?

Okay, we have got to get out of here before we see...

Don, hi!

Hi, old friend, haven't seen him in a long time.

So, Don, how's your show? Will, I got this.

- Good luck. - Okay.

Hey, uh, I didn't get a chance to give you a proper hello.

- Did you get some champagne? - Uh, no, no.

- But, that's okay, that's okay. - Oh, no.

You gotta have a glass. It's my opening.

Thank you.

To old friends

who should have gotten together earlier.

Oh, wh-- what are you doing?

Why are you drinking like that?

Oh, it's just, it's just, I'm just, I'm just

blown away by your, by your, by your water colors.

It's just like... whoa!

[laughs]

Will you excuse me for just one sec--

Wai-- wai-- wai-- wait a second.

Why are you trying to get away from me?

Okay, Don, I'm gonna, I'm gonna be honest with you.

We live in a deeply patriarchal society

in which women are unfairly judged by...

Ugh!

My boobies are fake.

And broken.

I'm wearing the Hydra Bra.

But, why-- why, why would you do that?

Well, I just... The picture made me look, you know...

And I thought that you would, maybe, like it.

Grace, I called you because I thought

you were talented and creative.

I am talented and-- and creative.

I mean, did you see the way that I-- I drank the champagne?

I mean, that's-- that's...

I'm sorry, Grace, but, I'm looking to be with somebody

who's, uh, a little more secure and a little less shallow.

Oh...

Hello.

You look like you have a beautiful soul.

Hmm. Hey, that's not my soul you're lookin' at.

I think you improved them. You know, they're moodier.

I'm glad you like them.

'Cause you're gettin' them for Christmas.

Ah, hmm... How you feelin'?

Mmm, a little deflated.

Oh, God, what was I thinking?

I look fine the way I am.

So, why didn't you believe me when I said that?

Well, 'cause you're too close. You're gay.

You're my best friend. You're gay.

- You love me. You're gay - Hey, hey, hey.

There-- there was a time when I was a boob man.

'Course, it ended when my mom switched to formula.

Okay, it's ten o'clock and no Cher.

Unless, you can turn back time, I'm very, very angry.

Jack, she's not coming.

I-- I just told you that

to get you down here.

Hmm. Okay, just give me a minute here.

How dare you play the Cher card!

And why do I keep falling for it? How dare you.

I know, I know, I know, but I think I've got something

that's gonna make you even happier.

Inconceivable! Fool me once, shame on me.

Fool me twice, you're thinning on top. Goodbye.

Jack, Jack. I tracked down Walter.

- He's coming here tonight. - Shut up.

What did he say?

He said that he's still single,

and he's still living in New York

and, uh, he's dying to see you.

Ah, shut up, shut up!

Oh, my God, you're the best friend in the whole world.

[chuckles] And he just walked in.

How do I look? Am I swimming in these pants?

'Cause they're yours.

You look fine, Jack.

Okay, now, go get him and bring him to me.

Bring him to... What is this, 1810?

Walter.

- Hi, Will. - Hey.

Hey, Jack. Sorry I'm late.

- Walter. - Wow, you look great.

Thank you, so do you.

Would you just excuse us, just for a second? Over here.

- What? - That's Walter?

Yeah, the love of your life.

Okay, don't get angry at me,

but I was totally thinking of somebody else.