Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

Who was a good boy at the doctor, huh?

Who was the pretty bird at the doctor?

And who got the pretty doctor's phone number?

Yeah.

Pretty bird. Pretty bird.

Jack, I've got a tenants meeting in five minutes.

I don't wanna have to deal with a lot of shrill squawking,

feathers flying, biting

and that bird has gotta go too.

[bird squawking]

Yeah. I'm not too fond of the tie either.

[chuckles]

That's our cue, Guapo.

Oh, look, Will, I'm flipping you the bird.

[chuckles]

[bird squawking]

Ah, Grace, a little tip, when you shadow,

a good rule of thumb is less is more. Okay.

All I wanted to do was spend a cozy evening

at home by myself,

so I try to light a fire, and the next thing I know

the entire apartment is full of smoke.

- Did you check the flue? - Yeah.

- Did you use dry wood? - Yeah.

Did you know that your fireplace has been sealed shut

effectively rendering it non-functional?

- No. - Might be your problem.

Why is it sealed shut?

Three years ago, we were bringing the fireplaces

up to code, and it got too expensive.

So, now some of them work, and some of them...

How come your fireplace works?

Because I'm sleeping with the president

of the tenant's association.

- That's you. - Yes.

And I'm tender, but rough when I need to be.

Okay, Mr. Rough and Tender, you've got to do something.

How can I have a groovy bachelorette make-out pad

if I don't have a little fire to set the mood?

Smoke in bed.

I have a tenants meeting. This discussion is closed.

Not unlike your fireplace.

Wait, wait. Why is this discussion closed?

- Give me one good reason why. - Uh, 'cause.

I'm gonna need a little more than that.

Okay. Because.

- This isn't fair. - Yeah.

Well, life's not fair, Grace. Grow up.

Whoa!

Did you just tell me to grow up?

Yes, I did, and when you grow up,

you'll understand.

What are you doing?

You're having a tenant meeting.

I'm a tenant with an issue.

You're a tenant with a lot of issues.

[theme music]

[instrumental music]

Okay, uh, all in favor?

Will: Opposed?

It's decided, then a shirt must be worn

when using the laundry room.

- I just don't understand-- - It's over, Mr. Zamir.

- But it's a 1000 degrees-- - Mr. Zamir!

Alright, now the carpets are being cleaned next week,

light bulbs replaced in the stairwell.

Anything else?

Anybody? Mrs. Pressman?

Somebody stole my umbrella.

Is this a new umbrella, or is this the same umbrella

we discussed July 28th, August 28th,

and the September 10th special umbrella meeting?

It's very similar to the one Tim Kaiser in 12B has,

is all I'm saying.

Duly noted.

Okay. Is there anything else?

Well, then I move this meeting be adjourned.

- All in favor? - Hello!

My hand has been up for, like, an hour.

I'm down three ring sizes.

- Grace, no-- - Thank you. Hi.

I'm Grace Adler, 9A.

I'd like to talk about fireplaces.

Now, as I understand it, some of them work

and some of them don't.

I'd like to find a way to get them all working.

I thought none of them worked.

Ah! No.

Some of them do indeed work. The rest are sealed shut.

Do any of them work?

That's what I just said, some of them work,

some of them don't.

I'd like a fire, but he won't let me.

You want heat, here's an idea,

light your mother on fire.

I would like a fireplace!

Where would we get the wood?

[indistinct chatter]

You see what you started?

Hey, people, people!

People, now listen, we settled this.

We could've all had our fireplaces brought to code,

but then our maintenance fees would've gone up.

And I just assumed nobody would want that.

[indistinct chatter]

Uh, interesting how he made that assumption

just after his own fireplace was done.

- Thank you. Thank you. - Oh!

- Whoa! - Now, now, now. Now, look.

We had just voted an increase

so that we can have the lobby floors done

and that's it. That's what we decided on.

Trust me, it's what you wanted.

Okay? Meeting adjourned.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Sit, sit, sit!

Sit, sit. Mr. Zamir!

- But I want to-- - Mr. Zamir!

Now are you people noting this arrogance?

He's not your president.

He's not acting like a president.

He's acting like a king... or in his case--

Alright, Grace, they get the point.

All I'm saying is we can't all have fireplaces.

[sighs] See, he's doing it again.

Okay, you know what? Enough.

Everybody wants to go home. Let's go home.

I don't think we're done here.

Oh, we're done here. Goodnight, everybody.

Uh, elections are next week,

but since I'm running unopposed again,

sign the ballot, don't sign it,

whatever you want.

Will: Goodnight.

Wait, not so fast. Hey, hey. Hey!

I think you're all going to be surprised

to see another name on that ballot.

Me! Me! I'm running for board president.

All: Oh, oh.

[instrumental music]

Hold still, Klaus von Puppy.

We're accessorizing.

Oh, look at you, all street.

You're like notorious D-O-G.

♪ I'm the pooch with the cold wet snout ♪

♪ If you sniff my butt then I'll ask ya out ♪♪

Word to the bitch.

I told you to keep that dog off the bed.

I made it once today. I don't wanna make it again.

Rosario, a marriage is about

compromise and compassion, okay?

Maybe you could, oh, I don't know, pick one.

Dogs, rapping,

strange boys calling in the middle of the night.

When I prayed to the Madonna for a husband,

maybe I should have been more specific.

Oh, my God. You pray to Madonna too?

[laughs]

Jack, sweetie, uh, we need to talk

there's something...

Oh, huh, it's you.

If I understand our roles correctly,

you should be cleaning something

and I should be drinking something.

Freshen.

Drinking at 10 o'clock in the morning.

Where I come from, we have a word for people like you.

Oh, that's funny.

We have a word for people like me here too.

It's called boss. Now do what I tell you.

Sit down. I need to talk to you.

Okay, listen.

Sometimes bad things happen to good people

and sometimes bad things happen to you.

- I'm not following. - Oh, screw it. Bird is gone.

Guapo? Something happened to Guapo?

[screams]

Well, I opened the window to yell at somebody

on the street for wearing palazzo pants

and... before I could say,

"Hey, loser! Bird took off."

You mean... Oh, my God!

That bird was my life. We've been through everything.

When Steve dumped me, Guapo was there.

When Raul dumped me...

Guapo was there.

Mike, Dan, Tom...

Guapo, Guapo, Guapo.

There, there, there!

Oh, honey, what can I do? Do you want another bird?

No! How can you even ask me that?

If my grandmother died, would you bring me another

racist dowager with a purse full of diabetic candy?

I don't think so.

Guapo was my baby.

- Oh, Jack-- - No, leave me alone.

Oh, you know, uh, when I get depressed,

nothing perks me up like a little spending spree.

Come on. Come on, honey, let's go shopping.

- I don't want to. - Uh, we'll go to Barney's.

- It won't help. - We'll skip the sale rack.

I don't know.

I'll let you French kiss me in the elevator.

Well, maybe just an hour.

Oh, come on, come on, come on.

Now get yourself together

and I'm gonna go give Driver a B-12 shot.

Okay.

Oh, what the hell, honey,

while we're out, maybe I'll buy you a new Rolex.

Coming.

[instrumental music]

Grace: Wait! Hold the door!

Hold the door! Hold the door!

[grunts]

Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.

- Grace! - Ow! Ow!

"Vote for Grace, win the race." That's cute.

Shouldn't the rhyme go more like, vote for Grace.

She just wants to get it on in front of a fireplace?

Oh, Will, huh.

I am so far beyond the fireplace.

I'm doing this 'cause your arrogance is off the charts

and someone's gotta bring you down a peg.

And that someone is you?

Allow me to turn up my nose and laugh French-like at you.

[laughing]

Will, you can't win all the time.

Really, I can't? 'Cause it seems like

I pretty much have my whole life.

[laughing]

Sorry. I saw how much you enjoyed that the first time.

[laughing]

Laugh all you want, Gerard De-par-doo-doo.

'Cause when they tally the votes,

the person who laughs last

is gonna be...

the last person laughing.

Don't act like that didn't make sense.

Grace, look, I don't wanna play these games with you, okay?

The tenants love me. Face it...

You don't stand a chance.

- Hi, Mrs. Pressman. - Save it, Will Truman.

I'm voting for Grace.

She told me how you've been eating my fruit of the month.

Wait, what? I-- I-- I ate a Japanese pear. Once.

And you were in Boca.

Thief. You're a thief.

Mrs. Pressman: I'm voting for Grace.

Well...

Nice! Nice, Grace, wait, wait

you're smearing my name with the tenants?

Hey, she asked me what time it was

and it just came up.

I think these tactics are pathetic.

Yeah, well, all is fair in love and war.

[laughing]

[instrumental music]

Now, that shopping spree helped a little bit,

didn't it, poodle?

- I guess. - Oh, come on.

I saw you crack a smile when I had that salesgirl fired.

"Oh, but I've got six children and my husband just left me."

Come on! I saw you, you little devil.

- I saw. - Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh! Look at Guapo's cage.

It's so empty. Like my heart.

Oh, keep your chin up.

Tomorrow we'll talk travel.

Oh, say, have you done Greece?

Oh, wait a minute. Of course, you done Greece.

Okay. No. We'll think of something.

♪ Liv-ing in a material world ♪

♪ Material oh in a material world ♪

♪ And I am a materia... ♪

You again! Oh, my God, I'm Tippi Hedren.

Get out of here.

Go! Shoo! Shoo! Shoo! Shoes.

That's what I can get tomorrow.

I am rather fond of the new Gucci mule.

Wait a minute. What am I saying?

You're my Guapo. You're my baby.

Come here, Guapo. Yes. Up. Guapatito.

Now, look at me, am I the sort of man

that would give up his precious little baby

for a ten thousand dollar watch?

[bird squawking]

Now, Guapo, the closet's not that bad.

Will was in there for 20 years.

[instrumental music]

- Mrs. Carl, lemon square? - How about a flashlight?

- Oh! They're yummy. - They're practical.

- Vote for me in the election! - Vote for experience!

- I-- - I've been doing...

I thought you had nothing to worry about... Frenchie.

That's Mr. French to you.

Oh! My eye.

Gracie? Are you okay?

[instrumental music]

Pretty shoes. Pretty shoes.

Who's a pretty pair of Prada slip-ons?

Oh, you are. Yes, you are.

- Honey, I don't feel right. - Oh, Guapo!

I just, I just feel terrible about the last few days.

Trying to make up for the loss of a pet

by buying you stupid little gifts.

No, no, no, the gifts aren't stupid. The gifts help.

No! Honey, it's wrong.

In fact, it's-- it's-- it's just insulting.

There's only one thing I can give you

that, that has real value.

- Your love? - A boat.

[laughs] Wooh!

Oh, my God, Karen. I don't know what to say.

Say, thank you, Karen, thank you for a boat

with a mahogany deck, a cruising speed of forty knots,

and a staff of cabin boys who are either gay

or questioning. Yeah. Mm.

Oh, my God! It's one out of every ten man's dream.

I've never...

Nobody's ever, uh...

You know, I don't, uh...

Oh, God, Karen, I can't keep it up!

I've been lying to you this whole time.

- I know. - Guapo's in the closet right...

Wait a minute, you know?

- Hm. - How?

Poor, naive Jack.

[chuckles] You really think there's an inch of this place

that I can't see on video?

There, there, there, and there.

Oh, my God, Karen, I don't know what to say.

Say hi to Stan.

Hello, Mr. Walker.

So I guess I should give you the keys back.

No keep 'em. They're to Grace's office.

Go ahead. Help yourself. Take whatever you want.

I'm so ashamed, Karen. I'm so sorry, uh...

It's okay. A part of me is angry.

But a part of me is proud.

The rest of me is just drunk.

[laughs]

Wait a minute.

If you've got cameras everywhere,

does that mean you've seen...

Yes, I have, honey, and good for you.

[instrumental music]

L, L stands for loyalty.

That's what Grace Adler is all about.

E, E stands for no more smells

in the el-evator.

R, responsibility. So, in conclusion...

Arthur, wake up, she's concluding.

Pick a winner. Pick change. Pick me.

Pick, pick, pick pick, pick, pick!

Change is bad. Vote for me.

Okay, everyone. Fill out your ballots.

- Nice artwork, by the way. - What are you talking about?

My poster in the elevator, you blacked out my teeth,

gave me a moustache, horns,

an arrow through the head. Real mature.

[laughs]

- What? - All I did was the teeth.

[laughs]

You're just afraid you're gonna lose.

Oh, why don't you choke down another tainted lemon square?

- Flashlight lawyer liar. - You're a mess.

Okay, everyone, attention.

Now, counting the absentee votes,

it's looks like 18 for Grace.

- Yes! - And 18 for Will.

No!

What is wrong with you people?

I had buttons and posters and baked goods.

That's only 36. Who didn't vote?

Wait, I didn't vote. I win!

Oh, w-- w-- wait, you voted, you banana.

Mr. Munitz! I forgot.

He's in St. Luke's Hospital for a hernia operation.

What are we going to do? Is anybody else hot in here?

Mr. Zamir!

I guess we'll just have to wait till he gets out.

I guess so.

- Stop. - Move.

Telling the nurse that you're his daughter,

that's beyond contemptible.

Oh, Rabbi Truman.

I'm glad you found him.

Mr. Munitz? It's me, Grace Adler.

I'm running for board president.

Why? Good question.

G is for good government.

R is redecorate the lobby. A is for--

A is for you're making an ass of yourself!

The man's unconscious.

He doesn't want to hear your campaign promises.

Particularly since I've been doing such a good job

for four years, squeeze my hand if you agree with me.

[Munitz groaning]

Shh. Wait, wait, he's waking up. Mr. Munitz?

Hi. Hi. You're looking really good, by the way.

We need your vote for board president.

Who do you want? Will Truman,

who's served you faithfully for four years

or Grace Adler, who blames you for the smell in the elevator?

Uh, wait. You know what? This just isn't fair.

The man is heavily medicated, and he's in--

- I like Grace. - Yes! Yes!

♪ I win you lose

♪ I win I win you lose

♪ You lose I win

♪ You lose you lose I win

♪ Second verse same as the first I win... ♪♪

Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright.

Put your pom-poms down, Tiffani-Amber Annoying.

- I concede. - Hm.

- You lose. You lose. - Yeah, alright, I lose.

I love lose-ey.

- How's it feel? - Not so good.

Oh, how the arrogant have fallen.

[laughing]

Especially when I think about all I'm losing.

Like waking up at 5 a.m. tomorrow to let the gas guy in.

Or next week's meeting with the city building inspector,

a man who's never met a clove of garlic he didn't like.

Or dealing with any one of a thousand niggling

little problems 24 hours a day from 36 neurotic tenants.

Wait. That doesn't sound very fun.

Oh, it's not, and when I think about it that way,

suddenly losing feels a whole lot like winning.

Thank you, Grace, thank you for teaching me

this valuable lesson.

See ya.

[indistinct chatter]

Quiet! Quiet!

Okay, let's just take a breath, okay?

And then, speak one at a time.