Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

[panting] Okay. This is the last one.

Ah. I still don't get why you didn't just hire moving guys.

I think we did fine on our own.

I know, but moving guys are hot.

Hm, firemen are hot. You want me to set something on fire?

Yeah?

So do we like my new apartment?

We do. You're gonna love it here.

Now, I don't think it smells anything like cat pee.

Why are you that man?

Why are you an awful, heinous breeder of discord?

- I-- I'm kidding. - Are you kidding?

- I'm kidding! - Are you kidding?

It smells like room deodorizer.

Cat-pee-scented room deodorizer.

Shut up!

This is a big deal for me.

My God, you and I haven't spent more than 24 hours apart

since I dumped my fiance on our wedding day.

What a proud moment that was.

I'm gonna miss living with you.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

You know, the way we tell each other

what to wear in the morning,

the way you'd fall asleep in front of the TV

with that little string of drool from the mouth to the shoulder.

The way you'd try and make

Jewish soup for me when I was sick.

Hm, where you'd perch on the balcony and make cooing noises,

jutting your head back and forth.

[imitating bird]

No, no, that was pigeons.

- I get it mixed up. - See?

I'm trying to be sentimental here and you're doing schtick.

I don't want to get sentimental 'cause if I get sentimental,

I'll realize how much I'm gonna miss you.

I'm gonna miss you, too.

[laughing]

- Oh. - Hm.

- Go. - Yeah, right.

Go, I don't wanna get upset.

- I really like your new place. - Thanks.

- Call me when you get home. - First thing.

- Bye. - Bye.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

[sighs]

It is weird living apart.

Yeah. We are living apart, right?

I mean, th-- this is healthier?

Of course, it is.

Will, if it were unhealthy,

we wouldn't even think to ask if it were unhealthy.

Good point.

Oh, so I, uh, I gave my phone number

to that guy at Borders Books.

Phone number or business card?

- Business card. - Not hot.

- Why? What? - Hi.

I'm intimidated by the possibility of rejection,

but my secretary isn't. Call her.

I'm not intimidated by anything.

- Then call. - Oh, yeah.

And what-- and what if he's there, huh?

He says hello and where does that leave me?

You're a disgrace to your people.

Oh, see...

See, that, that is where you are wrong.

You know, th-- th-- there's-- there's this whole myth

that it's easier when two guys are involved.

Totally, untrue.

It's-- it's-- it is not so easy for a guy

to meet another guy in this city.

It's raining men! Hallelujah!

Great night at the clubs.

Jack was en fuego all night.

The lovelies were buzzing around me

like... like what?

Like moths to a flamer?

[sighs] Actually,

more like fat to a Will is fat.

[laughs]

Oh, touche, touche.

Okay, if you two are gonna play Bitchy McSnipe,

I'm gonna head back to my place.

Just don't understand why someone would subject themselves

to a constant barrage of insults, day after day.

Honey, your new dump smells like cat pee.

Never mind.

- Hey, poodle. - Who's your daddy?

You are.

Sorry to get you up so early, Karen.

Oh, grow up, honey. I haven't been to bed yet.

I need to speak to both of you about Rosario.

Hey, hey, hey. That's Mrs. Jack McFarland to you.

I thought you were Mrs. Jack McFarland.

[laughs]

And I thought you didn't have love handles.

I guess we're both wrong. [laughs]

I got a call from my friend at the INS yesterday

and, apparently, the marriage between a 30-year-old gay man

and a postmenopausal Salvadoran maid

flagged something in their computer.

- Okay, are we done yet? - No.

Look, they're gonna start making random visits

to verify that Jack and Rosario are a real married couple.

So since their official residence

is listed as your place, I think the best thing would be

for Jack to move into your penthouse.

I just adore a penthouse view.

[laughs]

Ooh, my very own sexless marriage.

Just like Will and Grace.

No, not like Will and Grace.

We don't even live together anymore.

She's got her own apartment.

Eight dysfunctional feet away.

Lord, they're like Siamese twins

who are joined at their boring personalities.

Look, Grace and I are now totally independent.

Separate homes, separate lives, separate...

Showering, showering, showering.

My Lord, who Jiffy-Popped her head?

[instrumental music]

Well... [chuckles]

This?

This is my penthouse view?

Did you say my name?

No, I said, "This is my penthouse view."

But I understand it sounds exactly like Rosario.

You know, you never talked to me this way before we were married.

Sorry, Rosie, I'm still a little tense about our conjugal bed.

Hey, hey.

You're on the clock, tamale. Get to work.

Listen, lady, I'll squash you like a wormy apple.

I hate it here, Karen.

I want to be in the good part of the house with you.

Well, that's sweet, Jack,

but this is where the help stays.

But I'm not help.

Honey, you married help, you're help.

Oh, and, um, one other thing, Stan sleepwalks,

so if you bump into him in the middle of the night

and he puts the moves on you, just go with it.

You might get a mink in the morning.

[instrumental music]

Hi.

Just wanted to get some pudding.

You got pudding at the market. I didn't.

This is fat-free, right?

- Yeah. - Great.

Thanks. Bye.

Oh, it's chocolate. I thought I grabbed the swirl.

You know, it's funny, sp-- speaking

of chocolate versus swirl, I'm naked!

I'm devoid of clothing! I'm in my nude.

I know. You're so naked these days.

Since when did you start being naked all the time?

Well, since I started living alone.

Hey, just 'cause you're naked

doesn't mean you have to be cheeky.

Bye, Will.

Oh, remind me to get you a bookmark.

Okay, this isn't working.

Well, what are you telling me for?

Talk to your urologist. Thank you, New York!

Yeah, maybe Jack and Karen were right.

You know, maybe-- maybe this moving across the hall

hasn't solved our problem.

Will, you just said Jack and Karen were right.

I want you to cut wheat out of your diet.

Come on, look at you, you're still totally dependent on me.

Why, 'cause I borrowed a pudding pack?

No, Grace, you borrow everything.

CDs, books, clothes.

You spent half of last night

looking through my apartment for bubble bath.

- So? - You don't have a tub.

I hope you're at least planning on buying that pillow a drink.

Grace, do not deflect. You can't do anything without me.

You can't have a bath, you can't eat pudding.

God knows, you can't even cook a meal without me.

[laughs]

That was me laughing without you.

Because I happen to be throwing

a fabulous dinner party tomorrow night.

- You're not having a party. - Oh, but I am.

Uh, perhaps you don't know about it 'cause you're not invited.

I'm not invited because there is no dinner party, Grace.

Can't you see this arrangement isn't working? You have to move.

And I don't mean across the hall

and I don't mean to another floor,

I mean, you gotta move somewhere out there.

Okay, now I'm confused.

Do you want me to move east...

or south?

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Richard, hi. It's, uh, Will Truman.

Yeah. [chuckles]

Listen, I just wanted to call and thank you

for, uh, recommending that John Updike to me.

My favorite part? Um...

When you smiled at me and said,

"Thanks for shopping at Borders."

[laughs]

Yeah, well, listen, I, uh, just thought I'd call and see

if maybe you wanted to have a drink with me.

Well, great.

Uh, hi. I'm holding for Richard.

Oh, oh, hi, Rich-- Richard.

It's Will Updike. Uh, Will-- Will-- Will Truman.

It's not... It's Will Truman, not Will Updike.

I'm-- I'm a Tru-man, not an Up-dike.

Richard, could you hold for a minute?

Idiot!

Hi. So, um...

L-- listen, uh, you know, when I was at Borders the other day

and you thanked me, I-- I didn't say you're welcome.

And I... Pardon me?

Yes, I would like to have a drink with you.

Tomorrow night would be good.

Okay. I look forward to it, too.

Bye.

Ow!

[instrumental music]

[knocking on door]

Oh.

- Hi. - Hi, honey. Great dress.

Where are Fred and Ethel?

Here, I brought you a little housewarming gift.

Oh, oh. Oh, thank you.

Thank you. That was really sweet of you.

Oh, a, a martini set. [chuckles]

And an open bottle of gin.

Oh. [chuckles]

Grace, what, um...

What is this about?

Okay, you can stop with the hands of judgment.

I don't have any furniture yet, so I thought

it'd be kind of fun to have a picnic.

Oh, I get it. Kind of like Saratoga before the races.

Except there's no grass or trees

and of course, Saratoga doesn't smell like a litter box.

Actually, it's just like the picnics I had growing up.

Watermelon, apple pie, drunk and bitter Aunt Greta.

Karen, can you just please try and have a good time?

Hm. Oh, okay, honey. I'll try.

Oh, this is gonna be a wonderful party, a picnic!

All of Manhattan will be abuzz!

Speaking of Manhattans and a buzz...

[knocking on door]

Coming, coming, coming.

- Hi! Hi. - Hi. This is for you.

Thank you. Hi.

Come on in, come on in.

So isn't it cute?

- It's so cute. - So, so cute.

[chuckling]

Where's Will?

- Oh, he-- he's not coming. - Oh.

- Did you guys get into a fight? - No.

So I don't get it.

He's in his apartment and I'm in mine,

throwing a dinner party.

Oh.

Who cooked?

- I did. - She cooked, Rob.

So, uh, is Will coming later?

Karen: Oh, for God's sake,

it's just gonna be the four of us!

Grab a bottle, hunker down and pray for daylight!

[instrumental music]

Do-- does this go with this?

Does no go with way? [chuckles]

Okay, you're no longer helping. Out.

I don't-- don't need you here

doing a-- a Joan and Melissa Rivers on me.

Ugh, Cybill. What's with the gloves?

Did the eczema flair up again? [gagging]

Out, out, out, out.

Now, Will, I understand you're anxious

'cause Grace isn't here to dress you and burp you...

but tonight's gonna be great.

I think it's fantastic you're gettin' out there again.

And watch, you'll see, everything's gonna be just fine.

[telephone ringing]

- Hello? Oh, hi, Richard. - Uh-oh.

Yeah, that-- that's fine. Uh, I'll be here. Take your time.

He's just running a little late.

Ooh. Ouch. Wow.

You okay?

What do you mean am I okay? Why wouldn't I be?

Tsk, tsk, tsk, Will, have you totally forgotten

how to speak our language?

Running late is gay for I'm blowing you off.

Really? What's gay for get out?

That would be good morning.

- Good morning, Jack. - Good morning, Jack.

[instrumental music]

So how's the soup? Everyone loving the soup?

- It's a little cold. - It's gazpacho.

It's supposed to be cold.

Okay, it's bad.

- Honey. - What?

What do you want me to say? You want to lie to her?

Like I did about the hors d'oeuvres?

Honey.

No, it's-- it's-- it's okay, it's okay.

I mean, the most important thing is that everyone's having fun.

Honey, what's the second most important thing?

Oh, ah! Do you have a chair?

Oh. Sitting on the floor, really bad for his back.

Yeah. I'm like the Al Pacino of back problems.

- Sciatica, sciatica! - Rob!

- Oh, God! - Rob?

Good Lord. Where'd you find these two?

You know what, I-- I bet we can borrow a chair from Will.

No! No, no, no. No, we don't need Will. I'm...

Look, I-- I-- I'll make a chair. I'll make a chair.

Um, I'll just... Look. Look, look, look.

Look, I'll just, um,

I'll just throw a, a sheet over this box.

Look, we're having fun. We're improvising.

We're draping. See? And we're sitting.

And we just located my missing Waterpik.

Grace...

you're stuffed in a box, getting rid of ass plaque.

Take it as a sign.

This evening is a bust. Okay.

[laughs]

It-- it's not.

Honey, honey, it's over, okay?

You never had a chance in hell without Wilma.

Now, you know I've never been a big fan of Will's,

but let's face it, the girl knows how to entertain, okay?

Right? Am I right?

Obviously, I know how to entertain.

- What's that smell? - It's cat pee!

A cat has peed.

The entire apartment

is soaked in cat urine, okay?

Smells like rosemary.

Oh, that's the chicken.

- Excuse me. - Oh, thank God! Will!

- Will! Hey. - Hi, Hi.

How are you? Good to see you.

- Hi, hi. - Will, what are you doing here?

Look, just, I-- I just need to talk to you.

I had a date tonight with the Borders guy

and-- and he called to say that he's running late.

That was an hour ago.

Is-- is that some kind of code

for he's blowing me off?

Will, I'm sorry, excuse me,

but you're gonna have to leave

'cause I'm in the middle

of a very lovely dinner party with my friends.

Put down the cheese and return to the picnic area!

Grace, did-- did you hear me? I-- I really need to talk.

I'm sorry, you need to leave

'cause I'm about to serve the entre.

I'm just asking for a little advice.

No, what you asked for was an independent life.

And that's what you have now, so go home, read in the nude

and play with your pudding.

[instrumental music]

Thanks.

- Hi. - Hi.

You know, I've been thinking

and maybe you're right, you know

about me being too close

and not being independent and...

No, no. I-- I was, I-- I was crazy that day. I...

All I'd had for lunch was Bugles, so I-- I didn't--

No. No, you were right.

This across-the-hall thing, it was, it was a bad idea.

So tomorrow I'm gonna wake up, I'm gonna get the paper

and I'm gonna start looking for a place somewhere out there.

Grace, you don't have to do that.

No, I do. I do.

I mean, I can deal with the occasional bad dinner party.

- Awful, by the way. - Mm.

I blame the ghost of Little Kitty Pee-a-lot.

But if me living this close is turning into some sort of crutch

for the both of us, then, then it isn't working.

- And I should-- - You-- you...

Mind if I take that? I'm starving.

Hi.

- Or maybe it is working. - I'll call you.

- He's cute. Is he funny? - Gotta go.

Okay, call me, call me.

No, wait, he's a cutie.

Did I interrupt something? Am I about to interrupt something?

Will: Buh-bye.

Grace, I'll tell you everything over breakfast.

Love you.

[instrumental music]

I'm going to Costco tomorrow.

Do you need anything?

Socks.

The kind with the ball on the end or the plain tubes?

Sweetie, you choose. It's six of one.

I like a tube sock on a man.

Me, too.