Original subtitles

Great news.

Chaco's daughter Margarita is getting baptized.

And we're all invited.

Oh, yes. Oh, I love it. I got the perfect suit.

Oh, that baby's so cute.

Her name is Alice, but they nicknamed her Margarita because that's how she got

made. Question. Has Chaco picked a godfather, and can I throw my nombre in

the hat?

Oh, my God.

Are you Cuban? Are you family? Are you Catholic?

I'm two out of three.

You're none out of three.

Estrellita and her family coming in from Miami, which means Mirta is coming,

which means I have to express the place with holy water because she is Latiana.

Oh, um... What's happening?

Yep. This is your fabric until I can get the real stuff.

I thought you settled them on Tia Feud and you're all good now.

No. Tia made a comment about Abuelita's croquetas being dry and now it's back

on. Do you know what will be dry?

Every eye at her funeral.

Yeah, but your ridiculous vieja feud isn't going to be the problem this time.

What is?

Make America great again!

Make America great again!

Make America great again!

Oh, that's right.

This is it!

One day at a time.

Because they're like us, I always forget they're like that. Okay, as long as we

stay away from politics, it'll be fine.

It's a baptism.

We don't have to talk during the service, and afterwards we'll gossip

about how Chago and Valeria got married seven months ago and Margarita is a

miracle baby.

What will we do after? Because they are, of course, staying with us.

What? No, Mommy. I know their family, and... We don't send family to hotels

like Los Americanos Trillos.

Good. So you get it. We have to make an exception this time. The only way to

keep the family together is to keep the family apart.

Well, if they cannot stay with you, they will stay with me.

Night, night, Mirta.

I hope the floor isn't as hard as your bistec empanizado.

If I wanted to hear screeching from an old bag, I'd play with this zipper.

You know what I wish had a zipper?

Your mouth.

They have to stay. They are family.

I'm with Abuelita. I hope the Reyeses stay as long as they want.

I love T.O.A.T.M. T.O.A.T.M.? That's what I call T.O. Juanito.

How great is it being Cuban?

He gives me $20 every time I say something he likes. This is all a

disaster. Just keep it light. Talk about non-controversial stuff, like the

weather. Gotta love this L.A. weather, huh? Thank you, global warming.

Maybe try sports.

How dare that football guy disrespect our troops by kneeling down peacefully?

How about movies?

If you have a penis?

Use the men's room.

Why would that come up? It always comes up. I still think the Reyeses should

stay with us.

What? You of all people should be against it. You disagree with them about

everything. True.

I mean, when I came out to Tio, he said... You just haven't met the right

boy yet, Elena.

That's because they don't make him like you, Tio.

Eso, papito!

But they're voters in Florida, a swing state, so we cannot let them leave till

December.

No. Politics and family do not mix. And that's why I'm putting my foot down. The

Reyeses can't stay with us. Too late.

They just landed.

They're on their way here.

Just landed?

The baptism is next week. They are coming early to have a mini vacation and

do all the things they can do in Florida.

Go to the beach, visit Disneyland, see an orange grove.

You are literally describing Florida.

This is terrible.

There's still going to be a week of fighting and yelling.

Yeah, how is that different than any other week?

Oh, my God. Can I please fix everything?

Oh, boy. What I love most about you guys is how you talk about everything.

Every sigh, every slight exhale. You're like, what's going on there? Family

meeting, love, love, hugs, hugs.

Why are you telling us things we already know?

Because it's a huge mistake in this situation.

Let my wildly dysfunctional family be your guide.

Just don't talk to each other.

That is impossible.

Yeah, Mommy sometimes FaceTimes me while I'm peeing.

And that is only because I am cooking, because otherwise I would just walk in.

You've got to retrain yourselves.

Father and I have spent weeks without saying a word to each other. He once

left a post-it note on my door that said, I'm not sure you're mine.

I saved it and look at it whenever I think I might love him.

And everybody should do that? Yes, because then you won't fight.

See, you keep the feelings inside, where the only person they can harm is

yourself.

Those

explosions

remind me we need a strong military.

Eso, papito.

Yeah, keeping it inside doesn't work for Cubans. We have to say everything, then

keep saying it louder until I have to leave the restaurant.

No, you just gotta push it down deeper so you dive an ulcer instead of an

explosion. Yeah, no.

Maybe you should go back to your apartment now, since this is a family

issue that doesn't include you.

See? Totally work.

God, I hate my father.

Lupita, you're all worried about nothing.

Families have disagreements.

But that does not mean we cannot be polite.

Polite? Ha! What's that look like?

I say, I'm quite nervous that you and your liberal ilk are going to confiscate

my muskets.

Balderdash and poppycock. Of course you'll retain your blunderbuss.

Crumpets!

I'm hearing rumblings from the colonies about this Hamilton chap.

My good papito.

Matt.

I think you're confusing politeness with Britishness. And you think the Amirta is

going to be polite back?

Hmm.

Lydia, can I borrow your lipstick? I want to see what the color looks like on

full lips.

Hmm. She used the whole tube. Is it my fault she has the bimba of a puffer

fish? So we're screwed.

No. They will just have to settle this the old-fashioned way.

A talent contest!

Everybody loves me.

They tell me I'm so lovely.

Compare my voice to that of the angels. There's no one like me, that's what they

say.

I am the one who has all the talent.

My beauty is that big, so hide your balance.

Because this contest I'm gonna play.

I understand why you get so jealous. Why would that be? I get all the fellas.

I am gonna kick your ass!

Ladies and gentlemen, it is I, Gloria Estefan. And the winner is...

Lilia! She is the best dancer, the best singer.

And I don't know what her moisturizing regime is, but she looks like a baby,

and her lips are the fullest.

But, Gloria Estefan, people always say I remind them of you.

Dream on, loser.

Our queen has spoken.

What is even happening?

Why would Gloria Estefan be here?

Because everyone knows if a Cuban closes her eyes and switches her hips three

times, she appears.

Okay, Mommy, you've lost your mind. Well, I had a little rum. This is very

stressful.

Mom, face it. There's no avoiding politics, so we may as well try to talk

some sense into them. No. Our two families were fighting for so long, and

we just got back on track. I don't want to mess that up. So no politics. End of

discussion. Okay.

But they're going to talk about it. And if we say nothing, you better be okay

with what's going to happen.

We won again! Four more years!

And they've perfected the artificial heart. So he will live forever and be

president forever.

If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Okay.

If there has to be a fight, then we're going to win it.

So we're going to argue politics?

Let's do this.

How do I do this?

Hey, cuz, you still like that come mierda you voted for? Yeah? Well, either

get your head out your ass or get the hell out of my house.

See you at Christmas.

Love the attitude, but you need some ammo to back it up. Right. I got to hit

her with facts.

Give me some facts.

Hillary got three million more votes.

Hillary runs a pedophile ring out of a pizza parlor, and the pizza isn't even

good. The ice caps are melting and sea levels are rising.

First there's a drought, now there's too much water? Make up your mind.

Even your guy had to admit that Obama was born in America.

Of course he was.

Oh, sorry, I forgot to tell you. Facts don't matter anymore.

What? Yeah, they had a good run.

But it turns out people want to believe what they believe more than they want to

believe what is actually true.

Is that true?

Does it matter?

Yeah, but what is that?

Unfortunately, what you have to do now to win is go negative.

What happens to when they go low, we go high?

Yeah, that went out the window with facts.

So, what dirt do you have on Estrellita?

Hmm.

Hey! Hey, Estrellita, remind me, was it 96 or 97 when you had that pregnancy

scare?

You didn't hate Planned Parenthood back then, did you?

At least I wasn't on a first-name basis with the nerds who gave out the free

condoms.

How about that summer you taught me all about mouth stuff using a cucumber?

Nope. Bad plan.

We got to stay above the freight. We are a classy family, and we're going to stay

classy, damn it.

You know, we just had an assembly at school about conflict resolution.

These two kids were filming a fake fight for TikTok, and then it turned real.

Oh, yeah. They sent an email home about it that I skimmed and deleted. Go on.

Okay. It's got three steps.

First, you ask a non-threatening question.

Then, you listen to the person's response.

Then, you find common ground.

Ask, listen, find.

Alf.

I hate Alf. Just another illegal alien in our country.

Okay, tell me how it works, but don't call it Alf.

Okay, we need an issue to use as an example.

Let's start with the thing I know best.

90s boy bands?

All the places to get something free on your birthday?

I'll do not wear lipstick, but still succeed.

Dang, I'm good at a lot of things. But I was talking about health care.

Okay, so...

ask a neutral question.

So obviously everyone should have health care, right?

Okay, MSNBC.

Wow, Mom.

What was wrong with that?

You chomped down her throat.

You totally assumed she would care about other people.

Right, right. Good. This is good. Keep going.

It's got to be a completely uncontroversial question.

Being healthy is good, right? Oh, yes. If you don't have your health, what do

you have?

Of course, if we had socialized medicine, then we'd all be dead. Did you

know that in Canada, a lady had to wait eight years for a liver transplant, and

then instead they gave her a breast implant?

I saw it on Facebook.

I bet her husband loved it.

Where is Eli?

And I respond to the crazy how?

You find common ground.

Okay.

We are both on Facebook.

Good. Keep going. Find more common ground.

And, uh, you're upset about unnecessary medical procedures.

Exactly. Great!

So we both want to live in a world where we prioritize good health care that

doesn't cost too much.

Agreed? Agreed.

Speaking of health care, I'm going to forward you a meme about how Obamacare

paid for a caravan of illegals to get free nose jobs.

It's a big problem.

Ugh.

Well, what do I do now?

Agree to disagree.

Agree to disagree?

So she gets to say all of her nonsense and I just have to be nice about it?

Yeah, because it takes years. My teacher says this is what they use in the Middle

East. I don't have years.

There's Cubans in an Uber right now. We still have no plan.

This is so much harder than I thought.

Changing people's minds about politics is hard. How did you think it was going

to go?

And that's why I believe what I believe.

Thank you for opening our eyes with that beautiful picture.

I can't believe we ever voted for that person.

What fools we've been.

And boys to men is better than NSYNC.

And I was always jealous of your curly hair.

It could happen.

Right? Oh, Mom.

No, it's not going to go anything like that. Well, then, it's going to go like

this.

I'm going to drain your swamp.

Bring it, snowflake.

Stop fighting.

Here, have some of my arroz con pollo. More like arroz con caca.

Oh, we're screwed.

Oh, it's been so long. Let me get a good look at you.

Well, you can't do that.

She is right.

Fire will only make Mirta stronger.

I've got it.

Let's move.

I'll have the whole building airlifted and we'll start a new life in Vancouver.

You guys will be so cool as the only Latinos there. Hi-ya!

You mean... What did I say?

Okay, okay.

They can stay in the hotel.

Mommy, that's very big of you, but it's too late.

Good, because I already changed my mind again in shame.

I, for one, am glad.

This is important.

Mom, if we want things to change, then isn't it on us to talk to the people

that we love, even if it's hard?

I know, baby, but we're just so far apart on this stuff. I just can't

imagine what they're going to say.

I think I might be able to piece it together.

If we're being generous, the things they care about are actually the same things

we care about.

I read this thing, and it's like, let's say I'm trying to get to San Diego.

There's a train going to New York and a train going to Phoenix.

Neither one's ideal, so I pick the one that gets me closer to where I want to

go. That's how I feel about this president.

Whatever else happens, he's going to appoint Supreme Court justices who are

going to finally protect the lives of unborn babies.

Is this guy perfect?

No. Do I want him to come over to our house for dinner?

God, no.

But be honest.

Politicians are all terrible in some way, so you have to find the ones who

will do what you want.

And come on, you're telling me your guy is your first choice?

Everything you ever dreamed of?

I don't think so.

Look. Our parents sacrificed so much for us to be Americans.

So when I hear about free college and free health care, my shield goes up

because that's what Castro promised.

We all know how that turned out. And I don't care about the president's

personal life. I care about what he's going to do so I can keep my personal

life. The world is a scary place, and there's hard decisions to be made, and

we don't like to think about that. But it can't always be about your feelings

and wanting to be nice to everybody.

That's why, as much as it hurts my Christian heart, we can't just say,

everybody come in.

That's why we need a tough guy.

He may be a bully, but he's our bully.

And he won, so get over it. It's not my fault that he was opening cans of whoop

-ass while all your candidates majored in gender studies.

The world may be crazy right now, but you and I are safe because he's keeping

us safe.

And that's what's important to me.

Dang, you're good.

Like I was actually nodding during some of that. I know.

I kind of scared myself.

So, Mom, if she says that, what are you going to say back?

Well... Wow.

I am so stunned that we're looking at the world and seeing such different

things. You think he keeps you safe?

He mishandles every crisis that comes his way. Look at Puerto Rico. A

hurricane. Earthquakes. The whole island without power.

And that guy comes and he throws a bunch of paper towels and then he's like, bye.

Now imagine something happening on a global scale.

Something so huge, it completely shuts everything down.

And we're stuck waiting for someone to lead us while we watch episodes of our

favorite TV shows. But now they have to be animated.

I know, it sounds crazy. But look into my eyes and tell me that that's the guy

who will get us through it.

Remember when we used to joke about this stuff?

I'm a crazy liberal.

You're a stuffy conservative.

Ha ha ha.

I miss that.

Us being on opposite sides isn't new. But now it's different. This guy made it

different. People used to actually try to hide their racism. But the president

made it cool again.

We have to stand up for one another now more than ever.

That's why we need to say Black Lives Matter.

Trans Lives Matter.

Brown Lives Matter.

When he calls Mexicans drug dealers and rapists, you think that doesn't affect

you? Do you think if your son was in that Walmart where the guy said he was

there to shoot all the Mexicans, he would have stopped to ask if Flavio was

Cuban before pulling the trigger? He wouldn't have cared because the

president told him immigrants are dangerous and don't deserve to be here.

You want to keep us safe?

How about not deporting people who fought for this country, who served with

me, who risked their lives for you?

Crazy idea.

What if when people came to this country, we were like, oh, are you

fleeing a horrible situation?

Please, come on in. It's all good. Love your food, love your music. Anyway,

we're going to give you a little help. Oh, God, you're doing amazing.

You've actually made this place better.

Oh, wait, that's not a crazy idea.

That was literally us when our family fled Cuba. How quickly we forget.

America is great because we don't just fight for ourselves.

We fight for people we will never meet.

Just like when our parents came here.

Strangers organized their trips, arranged for them to be safe.

Strangers. We can't benefit from the kindness of strangers and then turn our

backs on the ones who need us to stand up for them.

Because that's what kept us safe.

And that's what's beautiful about this country.

That's what's in my heart.

Oh, Mom.

You are ready.

Eso, mami.

Thanks.

So I wish there was a way we didn't have to talk about this.

But now I know I can.

Who is that?

Are we expecting someone?

Oh, that's right.

I have had a little room.

Okay, we can do this. I know they're nuts, but they're family, and we love

them.

Okay, we can do this. I know they're crazy liberals, but they are family and

we love them.