Original subtitles

When you have a teenage boy, you know the day will come, and it's only a

matter of time before someone opens the door that they shouldn't and sees

someone doing something with themselves.

And last night it happened.

Oh, no. You walked in on Alex.

No.

He walked in on me.

So Alex walked in on you having a menage a moi?

DJing for a party of one?

Very much so, yes.

Why didn't you lock the door?

Because we're not that kind of family. We don't have locks on our doors, except

the front door. We have 14 locks on that.

You know, this kind of sounds like a private family issue to me. Yeah, nice

try, Pam.

It was Friday night, and my mom and the kids were going to the movies.

I'd had a long week, and I was looking forward to having the place to myself

because I rarely get the place to myself.

You sure you don't want to come? Oh, no, I'm tired. You guys go have fun.

So I grabbed my wine.

And got into bed to watch a little Outlander.

I'm sorry, what's Outlander?

Outlander is a show about this woman who touches a rock and they get sent back in

time to have sex with this super hot Scottish dude to save a life.

It's quality television, fam. Culture yourself.

Definitely enjoyed some alone time watching Outlander.

I mean, that accent does it for me.

Doesn't do it for me. They all sound like Shrek.

Shrek can get it.

Rachel Maddow.

What I would do to get into her blazer.

Sometimes I just picture her naked beating the crap out of Mitch McConnell.

Anyway, I was in the room with my door closed, enjoying the fine acting.

When, unbeknownst to me, Alex came back looking for his phone, so he used the

landline to call it.

seen terror in a man's eyes like that since afghanistan you sure alex even

knows what he saw because i've dated full-grown men who don't know what's

going on down there maybe he thought you were shaving your leg in the dark under

the covers dark covers that would have been nice

my child of his innocence, how do I talk to him about it? Talk to him? Are you

crazy?

Listen, we've all got things we wish we hadn't seen.

Like Jill doing karaoke.

You're just jealous I can do both parts of Islands in the Stream by myself.

Sounds like Penelope was doing both parts by herself.

But I just want him to know that there's nothing wrong with it. I mean, there

wasn't that it was me.

But he needs to know that moms are sexual beings, too.

Teenage boys never need to know that.

Well, he at least needs to know that masturbation is healthy.

Oh, he definitely already knows that.

He's already really embarrassed. Talking to him about it is only going to make it

worse. She's right. When I was about his age, I walked in on my parents having

sex, and it was incredibly traumatic. They tried to talk to me about it, too.

So what happened? I enlisted.

Hi, Papito.

Hey.

How's it going with your homework? What are you working on?

At pay.

Cool, cool, cool, cool.

You want something to eat?

Too soon, Mom.

We need to talk.

No, I'm good.

It's not going to make it any less awkward by not talking about it.

It might.

Let's try.

Look, I want you to know that what you accidentally witnessed was a completely

normal expression of human sexuality.

Okay. Yeah, yeah.

Well, look, we're back here again.

I just want to make sure you don't have any questions.

Because masturbation is a healthy, normal part of life.

No, it is not.

It is a dirty,

sinful habit for sad, ugly people.

Not living, beautiful angels.

It wasn't me, it was her.

Did you learn that in the army?

Because no one in our family has ever done that.

Mommy, please.

Stop with the old school prudishness.

It's natural.

Maybe for men, because they are animals, cannot help themselves.

But women, women are civilized.

We are mothers.

We do not put the hand that wipes the tears of our child down the front of our

blumens.

What you guys talking about?

That completely normal act of female self-pleasure?

Oh, can I tag in?

Can I tag out?

No, no, no, no, no, no. I have been reading a lot about... Please, I don't

need more information.

Well, no, there are real health benefits from self-gratification, particularly

for women, like reduced stress and pain relief from menstrual cramps and

improved cognition.

Get on that ear.

Sex is between people who are married. It is Adam and Eve, not Blz and Eve.

Abuelita, are you saying that you of all people never open the curtains?

give each of you $20 to stop talking about this.

This is not a normal conversation. This family needs boundaries.

Boundaries? What do you mean boundaries? Boundaries are for white people.

Next thing you know, we're eating lunchables in separate rooms and

grandmama lives in a home.

Listen,

I'm trying to make you understand that this is nothing you should ever feel

ashamed about. No, no, no, no, no.

Shame is good for you.

You should be proud of your shame.

I already said I don't want to talk about this with you.

I need my privacy.

Oh, that's cute.

Yeah. There's no such thing as privacy from your mother. I made you. Your life

is my life. I am you.

And I am her, so I'm also you.

What about me?

You're kind of your own sin.

But your mommy is right.

In this family, we talk about everything.

There are no boundaries. There are no secrets.

Yeah. This is a secret.

And if you tell anyone about this date, I will deny everything.

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while you are beautiful.

You look nothing like your profile picture, Penelope.

Oh, you caught me.

That was not me in the picture.

And this is not a date, it is an interview.

What?

An interview?

Yes. To see if you are a worthy future to date my daughter Penelope, who is

best in those pictures.

So, it says here you majored in engineering.

Yes, with a minor in theater.

I love the theater.

But there's no money in it, so I have to dock you some points.

So, you will love Penelope. She is smart and kind and funny.

But recently she has been touching herself, which is why I am here.

I know. I was shocked myself.

But I realize she must be doing that because she's very lonely.

And I want my daughter to find happiness.

When you put it like that, it's actually very sweet.

I'm close to my mom, too.

We talk every day.

Every day.

You are now my top contender.

Good.

So, for the win, tell me, who is your favorite pope?

That is the right answer.

I want

to talk to you about the female orgasm.

I want to share this book on self-exploration with you.

It's called, I'll Have What I'm Having.

It'll help you find pleasure.

You're right, that was very pleasurable.

Oh, yeah.

Ay, que bueno, you are home.

You have a date.

His name is Danny.

And he is Catholic.

And he is an engineer.

And he is Catholic.

What are you talking about?

I realized that if you were not lonely, you would not have to do...

So I...

Catfish.

I made you a profile on Tinder.

Okay, my whole face just went numb.

How could you do this?

Well, I simply broke into your phone, emailed myself photos of you, and tiki

-taki, I found you a man.

Let me see the profile.

Oh, God.

Oh, God!

Under bio, it says, lonely Catholic nurse seeks big, strong man to fill the

hole in her life?

Lolita, you might want to reward that.

You put my measurements on here?

Of course, with your perfect ratios, why bury the lead?

How did you even get them? You are a very sound sleeper.

It's also on your profile.

Okay, so Lydia, how did the date with Danny go? Did he say Pope Francis?

Of course you were a part of this.

Um, yeah.

We're all very concerned.

Actually, you should be glad I helped her. The first profile she set up was on

Craigslist.

Under free stuff.

Oh, dear God.

Mommy, Mommy, you need to back way up.

What I do in my room behind closed doors is my business. Who I choose to date is

my business. And I don't want you meddling. I have a right to my privacy.

Oh!

Interesting. twist.

I thought you said there was no such thing as privacy from your own mother.

I'm an adult, son.

And you, do me a favor, Mommy. You stay out of my love life.

Fine. It should be easy to stay out of something that doesn't exist.

And while I'm at it, I'd also stay out of Hogwarts.

You know, maybe Alex is right.

I am? Yeah, maybe.

Maybe this family does need boundaries. We clearly have no idea how to respect

each other's personal space.

I don't understand what you are saying.

Should I tell Danny 730?

Oh, God!

No!

Oh, okay. You don't respect my feelings.

You don't respect my privacy.

This is not normal.

What is not normal is making love to a robot.

It's not a robot. It's a personal massager. Okay, you know what? I'm just

going to go over to Schneider's. Probably forever.

How much later?

I'll catch up with you later. I'm pretty invested in this.

Okay. From now on, we knock on doors, we don't overshare, and we don't meddle.

Lupita, you are being too sensitive.

All I am saying is that I cannot be a mother-in-law to a dustbuster.

Well, guess what?

If I did marry my vibrator, you would not be invited.

Then I could get an invite from the groom and sit on his side of the chapel

with all the blenders and air fryers.

There was a big storm last night. We've been looking into changing venues.

Oh, my God. To where? Bob's garage?

Mom?

It's dead.

You gave them your bathtub.

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Good morning, Mommy. How'd you sleep?

I don't see how that is any of your business.

In fact, I want you to respect my privacy.

No matter what happens.

Okay.

Oh, I am so tired.

I barely slept last night.

You caught me leaving Lydia's bedroom in my post-coital glow.

I know you have a lot of questions, but obviously I cannot answer any of them,

porque boundaries.

Well, if the world's worst breakfast theater is over, I'm going to go to

work. Can I get a ride, Dr. B?

I would, but your mom promised to make me breakfast if I came over in my

bathrobe looking like a snack.

Breakfast is for closers, Leslie.

How many dating accounts did you and my mom set up?

I'm getting emails from ScottishHotties.com.

I watch Outlander. I know what you like.

This has gotten out of hand.

I know how it started, right?

My mom is out of control.

I told her we need boundaries, and now she's down there starring in a

telenovela, La Mama de la Sucia.

But didn't you bring this on yourself? You keep changing the rules about

boundaries. No.

The rules are very simple.

No boundaries between me and my son.

Yes boundaries between me and my mom.

But isn't that kind of hypocritical?

No.

He's my baby. I can't leave him to deal with all this stuff by himself. I'm his

mother. Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure, sure, sure, sure.

But Lydia's your mother. Oh, my God. You guys are basically doing the same thing.

That is adorable.

No.

No, I'm a grown woman, and she needs to stop mothering me now.

Oh, okay.

So I guess there's going to be a time when you stop mothering Alex?

Dammit, Schneider.

Not now, Angus.

Yes, Leslie.

Well, I hope it's nothing, but I am late.

Mommy, that's the remote.

Well, if anyone knows their electric handheld devices, it's you.

Oh, my God.

Will you stop so I can apologize to you?

I apologize.

Oh, I'm listening.

I get it.

I understand when you meddle in my life or steal my identity and offer me up

like a youth couch on the Internet.

It's because you love me.

Ay, Lupita, I would do anything for your happiness.

Thank you.

So, I guess we're back to no boundaries.

Although I am going to put a lock on the door, if only to save Alex from further

trauma.

That's literally all I wanted.

Of course, now when the door is locked, I'll know what's happening in there.

And that's its own special kind of scarring.

There is nothing scarring about a woman taking care of her needs.

You weren't there!

Look, being in each other's business is a small price to pay for being as close

as we are.

And in order to stay close, we have to be close.

And that's a trade-off I'm okay with.

I am so happy.

But I wish you had come to Giuseppe's earlier.

I ran into the most perfect man in the grocery store.

But because you told me to stay out of your love life, I said nothing.

Or did I?

Wow.

Why? Why am I even surprised?

Of course you had no intention to ever respect those boundaries.

Hello.

Hi, Max.

What are you doing here? I thought you were in Indonesia.

Yeah, I'm back.

Do you have these things called airplanes?

Yeah.

So I, uh, I ran into your mom at the grocery store.

And she overshared about a lot of things.

But in the end, she said that you missed me.

So do you.

Because I sure do miss the hell out of you.

asked for oh my god max you're back buddy i missed you so

much yes yes yes exactly hey take it somewhere else you old creep

hey mom look at that hair doesn't he look like he could be in a boy band yeah

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