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GREG: I guess I've always had a European flare for romance.

As far back as I can remember,

I've been in love with love.

[BABY GURGLING]

I've always loved women. What a gender!

I've nothing against men, don't get me wrong.

I mean, like, my Dad. [LAUGHS]

I mean, Dad... Dad was the greatest.

Except for his stogies.

I love you, kid. You got the whole world at your feet.

GREG: But, the women... I mean, really...

What's not to love?

I remember the horrible feeling

in the pit of my stomach with my first girlfriend, Wiwi.

Well, her real name was Lily, but I couldn't pronounce my L's yet.

I loved her completely.

Blue eyes, blonde hair. She had the cutest little nose.

But, I was jilted.

[WAILING]

Cheated on at age one.

Unfortunately, this sort of thing became routine.

I don't know why, but I was always attracted to the same type of girls.

Heart-breakers.

I decided not to waste any more times with bimbos.

I mean, besides,

what do bimbos have to do with real love?

I was on a quest, a quest for true love.

And I wasn't gonna stop until I found it.

[PANTING]

Sure, things got a little rocky.

But I vowed never to stop in my search for true love.

Am I really on an airplane?

Am I really going to meet this girl's family?

I mean, why can't I just say no?

Isn't this just exciting?

Isn't this wonderful?

God! Look at those lips.

STEWARDESS: Ladies and gentlemen. Please fasten your seat belts.

We will be landing in Itta Bena, Mississippi momentarily.

Mmm. [CHUCKLES]

[OIL DRIPPING]

Is everyone gonna act like a black man is at our table?

He's only Jewish.

[SPITTING]

GREG: I'm freezing. [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

[SHIVERING]

Oh... I'm freezing.

So much for a romantic walk in the moonlight.

You warming up a bit?

I thought we'd never fish you out of that swamp.

[LAUGHING]

So... When's your daddy coming?

He had to run out to a meeting.

It's nothing personal.

But, Fritz won't be in the same room with your kind.

GREG: Great!

Adolf Hitler's gonna be my father-in-law.

[VEHICLE APPROACHING]

[CAR DOOR SLAMMING]

Holy cow!

Your dad...

Hey, Fritz. How you doing?

Good to see you. Gonna do some hunting?

Yeah, let's go.

ANNABELL: I love making love to you.

[MOANS]

Oh... Ooh...

ANNABELL: How's this feel?

GREG: The right thing, the sane thing,

would be to walk out of here right this second.

This feels great. [CHUCKLES]

ANNABELL: This is for you, baby.

GREG: These people are nuts.

Can you imagine having a kid with this woman?

The mangled genetics, the garbled DNA.

A baby Klansmen.

A circumcised Nazi.

This is sensational.

[LAUGHS]

Honey bear? Yeah?

I think I'm pregnant.

[TIRES SQUEALING]

I have an appointment with Dr. Reed.

I think I'm pregnant.

Congratulations! Go right in, dear, room one.

Oh, honey bear. Wish me luck.

GREG: Oh, my God! This isn't the way it's supposed to be.

This girl has cheated on me.

She's lied. She's irresponsible.

Do you understand the consequences of this moment?

Say something.

Oh, honey bear! Aren't you going to say something?

Anything.

New fathers are always this way.

Go in, dear. The doctor will be with you.

[DISTORTED VOICE] You little shit. You don't love her, do ya?

What?

Excuse me. I didn't say anything.

Oh.

[PEOPLE GIGGLING]

Um, would it be possible

for me to see the urologist...

Dr. Parker?

What is the nature of your problem?

[SCOFFS]

It's a little personal.

Yes.

I, um...

I have growth...

But I thought that since I was here.

[DISTORTED VOICE] Herpes, a cluster?

An open sewer. You get what you deserve.

I beg your pardon?

Room two.

Thank you.

GREG: Greg to guilt! Greg to guilt!

Come in, please.

Mayday! Mayday!

Do you love her, Greg? Do you love her?

You know, love and care are different.

Love is when you want to be with somebody,

no matter what size their breasts are.

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

[HORSE NEIGHING]

Hello. I'm Dr. Parker.

How may I help you?

Well, I have a...

I have a little...

[LAUGHS] It's not little.

No, it's not... Well...

[LAUGHS] Oh...

It's kind of a...

I... I have a...

I have a...

I have a...

I have a... I...

[EXHALING DEEPLY]

I have a... I have a... I have a growth.

Let's have a look.

Oh!

[CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY]

Oh!

What, what you doing? Oh!

Sure... [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

GREG: C'mon Greg. You are at the urologist.

So she's a woman. You hardly know her.

Oh... This can't be happening.

Concentrate on anything.

Football. Track and field.

She doesn't even have big breasts.

Just relax.

Relax.

Brain to penis. Brain to penis.

Think of that foul tip you took in fourth grade.

Ooh.

Moldy vegetables.

Bad investments.

She's not even my type.

She's intelligent, she's not blonde...

Oh, my God!

These types of warts are fairly common in men your age.

They are usually brought on when the body is under stress.

Which in turn, causes the immune system to become vulnerable

to certain types of viruses.

She's literate, eloquent.

So why am I attracted to her?

Now, I'm going to give you a local anesthetic...

And then...

I'm going to use this machine to burn the wart and the roots away.

Oh. [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

Uh.

I don't need an anesthetic.

What am I saying?

Are you sure?

I'll try the cave-man approach.

Positive.

It's going to hurt.

[GIGGLING]

[GIGGLING CONTINUES]

Count to five and it will be all over.

[LAUGHING]

What's so funny?

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It's just that...

Doesn't this remind you of shop?

Only, where are my goggles?

Shop? Goggles? Is she kidding?

Count to five.

[STARTS MACHINE]

Ho. Ho.

One...

[ECHOING] Pain! Pain!

Two...

[ECHOING] Pain! Pain! Pain!

Just a few more seconds. Are you all right?

[ECHOING] I'm being cremated alive!

Burned at the stake!

Three...

[VOICE ECHOING] I'm a ballpark frank!

Four...

Five... There.

All done.

How do you feel?

Okay...

Never better.

[THUDDING]

[CRASHING]

I think he's coming to.

Oh! Honey bear.

Would you like a glass of water?

Oh.

I'd love a glass of water.

[DISTORTED VOICE] Get it yourself, you creep.

While you were in there making eyes at the doctor,

Annabell found out she wasn't pregnant.

Annabell!

You're not...

How did you know?

Don't I glow anymore?

[DISTORTED VOICE] I oughta kick your teeth in.

Why you blaming me?

I don't blame you.

God is punishing me for all the times I cheated on you.

[LAUGHING]

[TALKING GIBBERISH]

[SCREAMS] No!

GREG: Uh... I think I'm having a little difficulty

handling this particular situation in my life.

The wisest thing to do...

Eh, just bail out.

[PEOPLE CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]

Sorry to hear about you and your girlfriend, Greg.

Hmm? Sorry about you and Annabell.

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello.

Annabell's been grazing other pastures, eh, buddy?

Who is this? Jeff, is this you?

[WOMEN LAUGHING]

Greg... Hey buddy!

How did this ever happen to me?

MR. HOSKINS ON INTERCOM: Hey, Greg. Get in here right now.

Greg. Where the hell are you? I need you in my office right now.

I have someone very important I want you to meet.

Greg. Answer me, goddamn it. Greg!

Greg, Greg. In here now. Goddamn it.[DOOR SQUEAKS OPEN]

Greg. Greg.

Like you to meet Dirk Martin.

He's gonna have his own TV series this fall. Brahma Beach Cop.

Oh, that's great. Nice to meet you.

DIRK: Hey, dude!

The networks are really excited about him.

They think he has star potential.

Kind of a working man's sex symbol.

Blue collar hunk.

And I'm proud to announce,

that the Hoskins PR firm has just signed this talented young artist,

to a long term contract. How about that, eh?

Aw, bitchin'!

Say something.

Anything.

Uh...

How did you get your part?

MR. HOSKINS: Yeah, yeah. Good.

You see, I was writing my foot boards off Hilton Head and...

Foot boards?

Yeah, water skis, dude. Anyway...

I made this really cool,

stand up beach landing

in front of this incredible looking chick

who turns out to be this Hollywood producer.

Dude. She took one look at me, she said...

"You."

You, what?

"You!"

You, what?

"You!"

I'd like to talk to you a second, Greg.

It was good verbalizing with you, dude.

Oh. Man... Uh,

I'm really sorry to hear about you and your chick.

That happened to me, I would really be cheesed.

WOMAN: Did you hear about Greg and Annabell?

Wipe his nose, wipe his ass for all I give a shit. Just keep him happy.

I want you to look after him.

Be his babysitter. This kid's my ticket out of here!

Why me?

You two have a lot in common. You're young. You speak each other's language.

You surf? Water Ski?

God, no.

I want you to go water skiing with this kid.

Mr. Hoskins, I can't swim. I'll drown.

Greg.

Have a little compassion, will ya?

Look at me dressing up like a cowboy. Do you think I like this?

I gotta do these things.

This is what I've been waiting for 25 years.

The big time.

A client on the national level.

No more local begs.

No more used car salesmen in chicken suits.

Do you understand what that means?

Yes, sir. I understand.

You're a sweet kid.

Stay exactly the way you are, babe. Don't ever change.

By the way, kiddo.

Since you not seeing the sexy blonde anymore,

you wouldn't mind if I...

Put her and Dirk together?

Be kind of a nice gesture.

MR. HOSKINS: It's going to be great. Ha! This will be terrific.

RECEPTIONIST: Yes?

I have a follow up appointment with Dr. Billie Parker.

Yes. Room Two, please.

That's it?

The doctor will be right with you.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

[DISTORTED VOICE] You sneaky bastard. Snipping the pussy, aren't ya?

No! I'm looking for love.

I'm available, darling.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'll come back when you are in your gown.

No. No, no, no. That's okay.

Well, if you want me to watch, you will have to pay extra.

And, I don't think your insurance covers that.

Just kidding! [CHUCKLES]

[LAUGHING]

So...

[SIGHS]

How's it hanging?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. I can't believe I said that.

I practiced that in my head all night.

I thought that maybe, it might loosen my male patients up, but...

It sounded really horrible, didn't it?

Yes, it did. I...

This is just never going to work out.

I'm never going to be a good urologist.

Why? Why? What's the matter?

Well, just look at you. Look how nervous you are.

You're only my third patient, and you're the only one

who's come back for a follow up.Really?

The other two didn't even pass out of my office.

I... I don't know why you came back.

Well, I came back

to give you this.

For me? Yes.

Oh! They're great.

Oh, those are gre...

Goggles.

That's... You're funny. That's great. Thank you.

I love it. I'll use them. I love 'em.

Okay!

Um, I also came back to ask you

if you'd like to go out and have a cup of coffee with me.

[SIGHS]

Boy, you've got a lot of balls.

Oh! No, no, no. Oh, I'm sorry.

Look. I... I didn't mean to offend you.

Oh, you didn't offend me.

I was just looking at your chart. [CHUCKLES]

[LAUGHS]

Just kidding.

Um, but, uh...

Really, I make it a point of never, never socializing with my patients.

Oh!

Well, then if it's a matter of ethics, I won't be your patient anymore.

Oh, it's not ethics at all.

My other two patients... Yeah?

One had VD, and the other had both of his testicles removed.

Oh, my God! That's terrible.

Just kidding.

Just kidding!

Oh, yeah. I...

I'd love to have a cup of coffee with you.

That's great. Yeah?

Yeah. That's great.

Um... When?

Let me check my schedule. Okay.

How about now?

BILLIE: I know it seems a little bit goofy, but,

I always wanted to be a rebel.

An individual. Break new ground.

While the other students were attracted to the brain or the heart, I thought,

"Why not the penis?"

I mean, the penis is actually the heart of our society.

Because no matter how liberal minded some men may be,

when it comes down to it,

their dick has the final say in almost every major decision.

GREG: Holy shit!

BILLIE: Oh, my parents, gosh.

They were not too thrilled with urology.

My father, he's an Army psychologist.

And he says it's the closest a woman can come to neutralizing penis envy,

without having a sex change.

At one point I thought about opening an office called Comedy Urology.

You know, like those traffic schools in L.A. that are taught by comedians?

But, then I thought, "How much can a person laugh during a catheter insertion?"

Ooh! Talk about a tough audience.

[PIG SQUEALING]

Well, I mean, I liked him a lot...

I even think I loved him, but, you know...

I just, marriage, I mean... That's just outta the question.

I... I just don't believe in marriage.

Oh, no. Really?

Oh. Well, I do.

Really? Oh...

Well, it's...

Really? It's just that, you know...

I mean out of all my girlfriends, you know... I mean, they got married,

they got pregnant, not necessarily in that order.

But, it all ended up the same. None of them are happy.

GREG: Oh. Well, you know, maybe it's because of my parents.

My parents are like... They're really different.

But they are great, you know, and...

I don't know...

I kind of believe that, that

marriage is... Is not an ending, but...

But it can be more, more like a beginning.

You know like a... it can be a beginning of...

Of partnership.

It can be a beginning of a...

A true commitment. It can even be...

Be a beginning of freedom.

My parents are very distant.

Oh.

Maybe it can be

the beginning of the end.

Just kidding.

[CHUCKLES]

♪ You must remember this

♪ A kiss is still a kiss

♪ A sigh

♪ Is just a sigh

♪ The fundamental

♪ Things apply

♪ As time goes by

♪ And when two lovers woo

♪ They still say I love you

♪ On that

♪ You can rely

♪ No matter what

♪ The future brings

♪ As time goes by ♪

[RECORD STOPPING]

May I help you?

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

What?

Bobo! Bobo leClown.

The famous, Bobo leClown.

Oui.

Oh...

This estate is shown by appointment only.

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

How many bedrooms?

Seven.

Oh. Seven, no, no, no...

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

Webster. Webster.

Webster. C'est la vie.

[BOTH SPEAKING FRENCH]

Come along, Bobo. Bye-bye.

Oh! Wait... Bobo?

Well, this house does have a certain charm to it.

Perhaps I could bend the rules a bit.

Feel free to look around.

BOTH: Merci!

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

[IN FRENCH ACCENT] What do you think it would be like to really live here?

[WITH FRENCH ACCENT] I don't know.

Want to find out?

Oui, oui.

Will you marry me?

Yes.

Yes?

Yes.

[DOORKNOB RATTLING]

REALTOR: Bobo?

The door is locked, Bobo.

Bobo? Check the Jacuzzi?

Bobo?

What are you two doing in there?

Stop that. Open this door right now.

You may now kiss the bride.

Mazel tov! Mazel tov!

WOMAN 1: Huh? MAN: What?

WOMAN 2: What did she say?

It means, uh...

It means happiness.

It means good luck.

Oh! It means good luck.

Good luck!

ALL: [SHOUTING] Mazel tov!

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Was it a tough trip?

Looks like a cardboard square.

It's not a cardboard, it's a matzah.

You know, I always wanted my son to be a doctor.

But he did the next best thing. He married one.

[ALL LAUGH]

Thanks a lot.

Needs a little barbeque, this.

Greg, Greg. Come here. Come here.

I want you to meet one of my best friends from high school, Mary Miller.

Hi. Kim, Kim, out of the cake.

Foster that's enough punch. That is enough punch, I said.

[BOTH MOUTHING]

Oh! It was a wonderful wedding, don't you think?

Yes, it was. You look like a china doll.

Thank you, thank you.

Mary Miller! Mrs. Parker!

[SPEAKING HEBREW]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

MAN: Hey! Hey!

WOMAN: Yeah!

MARY: Jim's working two jobs and...

Well, Kim's been sick.

We've had three ear infections in three months.

And Buster is a holy terror.

And Jim Jr. is already taking after his dad.

He's so mischievous.

I barely have time to light a cigarette.

Like to have a walk with your new father?

Sure.

So, how have you been?

Oh! Busy as ever, busy as ever.

Fantastic university.

Very progressive. Doing great things here.

Fantastic country.

I loved it ever since I was stationed at Fort Jackson.

Now they've got me down in Florida.

In other words, son,

take good care of my Billie,

or I'll break you into 10,000 little pieces.

Sir?

Just kidding!

[BOTH LAUGHING]

I love Billie very, very much.

Now.

You know...

One time when Billie was a little girl,

she came home from visiting a friend of hers.

She was physically ill.

Her mother and I tried to get her to tell us what was wrong.

Figured she caught a cold.

Eaten something bad.

She got around to telling us. She said that

the men at the house were out on the porch,

smoking and telling stories.

Wife was inside doing the house work.

She was only 30.

But...

This is the part I remember just like it was yesterday.

She was only 30, but her life was over.

That's what made Billie so sick.

How you going to raise the kids? We're Catholic, you know.

Well... Is it true you gave the judge

twenty bucks not to mention the word "God"?

[CHUCKLES]

Uh, well...

I... Ten thousand little pieces, son.

[MALE ANNOUNCER READING ON TV]

[GUNS FIRING]

♪ He's a man He's a bull

♪ He's a man He's a bull

♪ He's Brahma

[MACHINE GUN FIRING]

This guy's awesome.

♪ He's Brahma ♪

MALE ANNOUNCER: That's no bull.

[BULL BELLOWING]

I've seen this show. He's a good actor.

Our Greg works with Dirk Martin.

Really?

What kind of a guy is he, Greg? Seems pretty intelligent.

Hey, Greg! Dude. Finally decided to make it.

Hey, what took you so long, man?

You searching for your waves?

I got married, Dirk.

So, what do you think of my new place, man?

Not bad for my first time, eh?

Look, Dirk. I got to talk to you...

Honey bear! What are you doing here?

She's a swell chick.

Real screamer, huh, dude?

Okay, uh. What do you want to talk about? I'm a good listener.

I can't swim.

Don't worry, man.

I will personally take you out.

Dude can't swim.

Whoa! [ENGINE REVVING]

[SCREAMING]

Whoa!

Whoo! Honey bear!

[GREG EXCLAIMING]

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Dirk!

I can't swim.

Oh! Honey bear!

[GREG GURGLING]

Gnarly.

Yeah!

Yes, yes, yes!

[STRAINING]

Oh, this is the happiest day of my life.

MAN: Keep it down, pecker head.

We'll make friends with our neighbors as soon we mount a gun rack on the VW.

Gregory, when are you going to find a real job?

What's that noise?

Is that running water?

I'm doing the dishes.

Doing the dishes?

He's doing the dishes? What did he get married for?

Billie and I have a deal.

She cooks, I do the dishes.

I cook, she does the dishes.

You cook? He cooks?

God help the world.

I give this marriage one week.

Ma, I've gotta go.

Why? What's the matter?

Nothing, nothing. It's just...

GREG'S FATHER: Your mother's talking to you.

Don't play the big shot just because you're married.

She's still your mother.

Greg. Did you read the article on Steven Spielberg in the paper today?

Ma...

We live in different cities.

We have different papers.

Greg, do you know him?

No, Ma.

He seems like such a nice, successful Jewish boy.

That's nice, Ma.

You should get to know him.

I'm sure all of Hollywood would love to know Steven Spielberg, Ma.

I gotta go.

Maybe, you could have lunch with him, Greg.

Maybe you could just have lunch with him.

I'm telling you, the two of you would probably hit it off.

Ma...

We live in different cities.

What am I gonna do? Ask Steven Spielberg to come to South Carolina for lunch?

You never know.

Write him a letter.

Write him a letter, Gregory.

I'll write for you.

Thank you, Ma. Bye, sweetheart.

[WITH ITALIAN ACCENT] You slut. You vixen.

I want your swollen body.What?

I mean, you can have my swollen body.

I want your swollen lips.

Oh. Jam your love tool into my passion canal.

My studly rod stands waiting with bated breath.

Well. Tell it to gargle and floss and get the hell in here.

My flowing river of love can wait no more.

Oh, but alas. Poor me, but my tool cannot swim.

It can bask in the sun, as it floats on the jism of love.

Yes.

Ew.

♪ Love me sure

♪ Kiss me sure

♪ Hold me sure

Oh. I love that when you sing to me.

♪ I'm glad that we got chummy

Chummy.

♪ 'Cause something's cooking in my tummy

Tummy.

Don't stop.

♪ Here's another clue

Uh-huh.

♪ It might grow up to look like you ♪

Like you!

Exactly what are you saying?

I'm pregnant. We're going to have a baby.

[SCREAMS]

We're pregnant!

We're gonna have a baby.

[SHOUTING]

Greg, Greg. You would want to turn out the lights. You're naked. People can see you.

I don't care. I don't care.

I want everyone to see me. I want everyone to know.

We're pregnant. We're pregnant.

Oh, Greg. Greg!

[TRAIN HORN HONKING]

Greg!

Greg!

Greg!

I'm pregnant. We're gonna have a baby.

Ha ha!

I'm gonna be a daddy.

She's gonna be a mommy.

MAN: Keep it down, needle dick!

Show's what you know!

I made a baby.

Yeah! [LAUGHS]

Greg!

I love you!

I didn't know I married a handyman. I'm impressed.

I subscribe to Time Lifebooks.

[MACHINE WHIRRS] Shit.

Yup. There's a rat behind that there wall. You hear 'im?

[RAT SCURRYING]

Yeah.

[SCREAMS] Jesus!

God! Now what are you doing? [RAT SQUEAKS]

[GROANING] Oh!

It might smell for a while.

But you'll get used to it.

I actually like the smell, myself.

[SNIFFS DEEPLY]

Ugh!

Oh! Ow!

Oh, God. Shit.

Oh, shit.

Oh, no. Oh, no!

GREG: This is so that I can give the baby baths.

Since I can't breastfeed him, I might as well be able to give him baths.

Uh, him?

Her, it.

I don't care what we have, as long as it's healthy.

As long as it's healthy and it doesn't bark.

As long as it's healthy, doesn't bark or have three sixes hidden on his scalp.

[BATHTUB RATTLING]

All right!

Honey? Yeah?

Can I ask you something? Yeah, sure, sweetheart.

Well, uh...

Would be all right if my mother came and stayed with us for a little while?

Sure. Really?

Really?Sure, sure.

Oh, honey, that'd be so great, you know.

We don't know anything about babies and...

And she would be so happy if she could really help us out.

Oh, jeez, honey. Okay, sweetie. Don't cry. Don't...

Newlyweds.

Expecting. How nice.

Did you bring your checkbook?[CASH REGISTERS DINGS]

[HONKING]

[BILLIE SCREAMS]

Mother!

[BOTH SCREAMING]

Oh, Mommy. Come hug me.

Oh, get up here. [GREG LAUGHS]

Oh. It's you and me, kid.

We're gonna be the best friends in the whole world.

All right, come on in. Oh!

Here, honey. Look at this!

[BOTH CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]

Sure, sure!

Is it open? Yeah. Here we go.

Yeah.

Sweetheart?

[KNOCKING]

Sweetheart?

Mom?

Everything looks just fine. Any day now.

Evelyn?

You don't worry, Billie, now.

Many first pregnancies are a week or two late.

Everything's fine.

Oh.

Oh.

BILLIE: Mom?

Mom?

EVELYN: Yes, honey?

BILLIE: Ma, is this what it's like when my water breaks?

What?

GREG: What did she say?

Honey?

EVELYN: I just don't think we ought to take any chances.

Sweetheart?

GREG: Did she say her water broke?

[GROANS]

[SIGHS]

That's great.

Why didn't she tell me?

Honey?

Sweetheart?

[CAR ENGINE STARTS]

No! No! Wait!

Wait, you forgot me!

Wait, you forgot me!

You forgot me!

Wait!

[SCREAMING]

Wait!

Honey!

You forgot me!

MAN: I'm trying to sleep, peckerwood!Wait!

[ELEVATOR DINGS]

I'll be right here. Hey!

Yeah, yeah. Greg?

Mom was just going to get you. How did you get here?

[PANTING] Why didn't you...

Why didn't you tell me? Oh, Greg, I'm sorry.

I guess I just wasn't thinking.

Sir, you don't look well. Would you like to see a doctor?

Evelyn, why did you leave without me?

Oh, Greg, I think we're about to have her baby.

Okay, calm down. Calm down, this is emotional time.

Calm down.

What are you doing to my wife?

Some meconium was found in her water which could mean the child is in trauma,

so we're hooking her up to a Pitocin drip to induce labor.

Oh, my God. No!

It's quite normal, sir. Here.

Wait. Greg, take this.

Ice chips. Oh, thank you.

They're not for you, sir. They're for your wife.

Oh. Oh, right.

I'm going to go on home now.

I don't want to be in the way.Thank you, Mommy.

We'll call you as soon as we know something.

You call me even if you don't know something.

Now, I want a report every hour, on the hour.

Yes, Mom.

Here.

Bye-bye, sweetheart, bye-bye, sweetheart.

Bye, Mommy. Bye. Bye-bye.

God, what? Whoa!

Stay in touch. Yes, Mom.

Goodnight.

I'll be right back. Thank you.

Oh, honey, hi.

Look, they just hooked me up. See the digital readout?

Oh, yeah. That's the baby's heart monitor.

Oh. 160 beats per minute.

It's kinda like mine. Yeah, honey, I think so.

And... And over here...

It's the graph. See that graph?

Yeah. See how it's almost all the way at the top?

That measures my contractions.Oh.

I can barely feel anything.

Oh. Baby, it's all downhill from here.

Yeah.

Well, it's gonna be a piece of cake.

[BOTH LAUGH]

[SCREAMS] Do something. Do something!

What? What should I do?

I don't know. Breathe on me, breathe on me, breathe on me.

[BOTH BREATHING HARD]

It's getting better. Oh, good.

Almost. Oh, my God. It's getting better.

Boy, those contractions, they seem to be coming along faster, a little stronger.

No, shit. I want drugs. Give me drugs. I want drugs!

Honey, this isn't like you at all.

[GROANS] No!

Didn't even take one aspirin.

Not one cup of coffee.

I sat in non-smoking areas...

They just gave her an injection, Evelyn.

Yeah. She's doing a lot...

[BILLIE BABBLING]

Evelyn, I'll call you back.

I was so good. Wasn't I, Greg?

Yeah, honey, you were so good.

Ow... Jerry, look at the monitor.

JERRY: Jesus.

Yes, sweetheart.

You did so great.

Yes, you did so great. You didn't even take a Tums when you had indigestion.

[MONITOR BEEPS] BILLIE: I love you so much.

I love you too, sweetheart.

Loose wire.

Oh.

Oh. What?

Something's happening. Do you feeling like pushing, Billie?

Evelyn, she's been in labor for over 20 hours.

She's been pushing for the last four hours...

[EVELYN SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]

I'm sorry. I tried to call you, but I have...

[EVELYN SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

No, that's not true. Fathers take a much more

active role these days, Evelyn.

[BILLIE GROANING]

I...

All right. I'll tell him.

[BILLIE SCREAMING]

Jerry? Hmm?

Evelyn says...

"Stop dicking around and do a fucking C-Section right this goddamn minute."

Yes, I think she's right.

Really?

Evelyn, you were right. Good going.

[LINE DISCONNECTS]

Evelyn?

You're doing great, honey.

Scalpel?

Is the baby out yet?

Making the incision now.

You didn't feel anything, did you, Billie?

No.

Nothing.

Hang in there, champ.

[SINGING HAWAIIAN SONG]

You're doing great.

GREG: Billie.

Billie.

We have a baby.

[SIGHS SOFTLY]

[SIGHS]

What about Natasha?

Oh, God forbid. They killed our people.

EVELYN: I don't like it.

What about Sky?

Sky?

Like clouds?

In the sky?

What is she, an Indian or something?

Mom.

It's short for Skyler.

Well, why don't you just call her Running Goose?

Sky. [LAUGHING] Sky!

What are you, a hippie or something?

Dad, what do you think?

I think it's sweet of you and Billie to ask, but it's none of our business.

We've already had our chance.

And if you ask me, the names Greg and Billie aren't exactly works of genius.

But since you ask...

I like your first choice.

Chloe.

Okay.

Chloe it is.

I don't like it. I don't like it, either.

The folks got off okay.

GREG: Where's my shorts?

I'm going to give the baby a bath.

Where's my t-shirts?

Where's my socks?

EVELYN: Look at this. BILLIE: Aw.

And she loves this. You love your bath, don't you, sweetie?

You love your grandma, too. And your grandma loves you.

BILLIE: She's so beautiful, Mom.

[TALKING INDISTINCTLY]

[LAUGHING]

Has anybody seen my t-shirts?

Or my shorts?

Or my socks, or my shoes, or my pipe wrench?

Well, your shorts and your socks are in your top drawer and, uh...

Your shoes are in your closet under the t-shirts which are hung up.

And...

Tools are in the big cabinet.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

[BABY TALKING]

I'll be right back.

Greg?

What's the matter?

[WHISPERING] The house is spotless and I can't find a goddamn thing.

Oh. Well...

My mom got a little nervous during my labor and...

And when she gets nervous, she... She does housework.

She had ironed my jock straps.She loves you.

With spray starch.

Oh.

I thought I was the one who was supposed to give the baby baths.

You'll give the baby lots of baths, honey.

But I was supposed to give it its first bath.

Oh, I know, I know.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Look, uh...

Tonight. Tonight, I'll express my milk,

and you can give the baby her first feeding.

What do you say?

Would you like to do that?

Yeah. [SIGHS]

That'll be great. Okay? Okay.

I'm so sorry. It's all right.

I'm sorry. Okay? It's all right. It's okay.

It's over.

BILLIE: I'm sorry.

[TRAIN RATTLING]

[CHLOE WAILING]

Darling?

It's time.

It's time? What time is it?

It's 2:45, darling. Oh.

I'm on my way, sweetheart. Oh!

I'm coming, honey.

Daddy's coming. Oh!

God!

Oh!

God! Oh, God!

[GROANING IN PAIN]

Daddy's coming, honey.

Daddy's coming.

[MAKING CRYING SOUNDS]

Don't cry. No, no, no.

It's okay. Don't cry, sweetheart.

You've got the whole world at your feet. You do.

You do. Oh, don't cry.

Mommy made milk for you.

She expressed milk for you.

Here, honey. See? Here's the milk.

Oh, no!

[CHLOE CRIES LOUDER] No, no, no!

Don't cry. Here.

Milk. Mmm.

What's the matter? What's the matter?

You want it warm?

Is that it? You want it warm? Okay.

Here. Here. You want it warm?

No, here. Over here.

There. This will do it.

This is a lot quicker.

[MICROWAVE BUTTON BEEPING] [GREG SINGING]

[SINGING GIBBERISH]

Yes, it's okay.

See? Daddy's got ya.

[MICROWAVE BEEPS] Daddy's got it.

You don't have to cry. We'll show Mommy. We'll show Mommy.

Here, I'll test this, okay?

I'll test it, it's okay. Watch Daddy.

[SCREAMS] Ooh, ooh!

Oh, it's hot, hot. Ice, ice, ice.

[CHLOE CRYING] No, no, no...

Another time.

I'm willing to try something.

I'm willing to try something if you are.

Want to try it now?

Now, look, you see? Look. No, no, no, no, no.

[CONTINUES CRYING]

Look up here. See that? See that?

It's a lot smaller than the real thing.

But, I'm really proud of it.

Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on. Come on.

That's it.

Ow! Argh!

You bit me!

[CHLOE WAILING] What do you want?

What do you want?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

What do you want? Don't cry.

Mommy's here. Mommy's here. Mommy's here.

Mommy's here. Mommy's here. Mommy's here.

[STOPS CRYING] Yes, yes, it's okay.

Mommy's here. Poor baby.

Poor baby, Mommy's here.

[DOG YIPS] [GLASS BREAKS]

[CHLOE CRIES] BILLIE: Greg!

Now, I know exactly how much of this to use.

This much.

And now I know where to put it.

I put it a little here.

I put it a little here.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Mmm? Hmm.

[TAPPING GLASS]

Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen. I hate to, um...

I hate to interrupt this wonderful meal we're having.

And I think you'll agree, it is a great meal.

But we are not here to eat, of course,

we're here to, um, honor someone

with what you know as the Hemisphere Award.

The Hemisphere Award was designed, of course, to honor in some small way

a distinguished South Carolinian.

And I think our honoree tonight certainly fills that bill.

Please welcome and honor Mr. Dirk Martin.

[ALL APPLAUDING]

I did it. You told me I'd win!

Dude. It's not a competition.Oh.

Yay!

Whoa. [GIGGLES] Yeah.

BILLIE: Darling?

Wanna mess around?

You're gonna start exercising soon?

You think I'm fat.

I didn't say that. [GASPS]

That's it, isn't it? You think I'm fat.

You used to think I was cute.

You were.

Now you're a little overweight.

I was just wondering if you're gonna exercise,

or if you plan on following Bullwinkle in the Thanksgiving Day Parade.

How dare you. I just had a baby. Your baby.

I'm still breastfeeding. I'm at work part-time.

And I'm staying up nights and I'm exhausted 'cause you won't do your part.

My part? Yes, your part.

The baby rejects me. She wants Mommy. What am I supposed to do about that?

Get up with me. Make an effort with my mother.

You know what? I think I'm doing more than my share around here.

I'm the one who brings home the bacon in this household.

I'm the one who has to work with sleaze balls

for the good of my family. Don't lay that on us. You just quit.

I'm perfectly capable of bringing home the bacon.

[LAUGHS MOCKINGLY] Oh, that's great. Spoken like a true realist.

You're about the only doctor on the planet earth that qualifies for food stamps.

I mean, I knew there was such a thing as a bad doctor.

Didn't know there was such a thing as a poor doctor.

Lucky me. I had to marry both.

[CHLOE CRIES] Oh. There's your cue. There's your cue.

Roll over and play dead.

What's that supposed to mean?

Well, every time the baby cries,

you either have work to do or you act like you're in a coma.

You don't have to worry, dears. I got her back to sleep.

Greg?

Let's make up.

Let's be friends.

Evelyn?

Evelyn?

Evelyn, I just came home to get a quick baby fix.

GREG: She's reading her Bible? What happened to Mother Goose?

Wait a minute.

What's she doing?

Holy shit!

Wait!

In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost. Amen.

Hi, Greg. Home so soon?

BILLIE: So this guy comes into my office and he says,

"Hey, Doc. You've got to help me with my kidleys."

And I said "Kidleys?

"You mean kidneys, don't you?"

And he says,

"I said kidleys, diddle I?"

RECEPTIONIST: Hello, Greg.

I'd like to see my wife.

Oh, Doctor Parker isn't in at the moment.

Well, can you tell me where she is?

[DISTORTED VOICE] She's cheating on you!

She needs some tender lovin' care.

She needs a good lay.

[DISTORTED VOICE] Look, you bitch. Tell me where my wife is,

or I'll beat the crap out of ya.

[BOTH GRUNTING]

[GASPS]

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

Oh, she's at the Trustus Theater, silly.

She's auditioning her comedy material.

[PEOPLE SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

You can't go in there, buddy.

I'm looking for my wife.

I said,

I'm looking for my wife.

They're holding auditions.

Nobody gets in. Nobody!

GREG: Great, a fetus in a fullback's body.

Wait a minute.

Argh.

Billie!

[DOOR SLAMMING]

EVELYN: You know, with all the flying

I'm doing back and forth,

I'm practically keeping the airlines in business.

It's best for everyone.

Mom, you know that's not true.

Chloe loves you. You're like best friends.

I want her to grow up around her grandma.

Well, then, you'll just have to bring her

to visit me, won't you?

Billie, I cannot imagine what

your father would have done

if my mother had come and stayed with us

right after we'd been married.

It's just not right.

Besides, Frank needs me, too, you know.

Mom.

Greg loves you.

Billie, Greg loves me because he has to.

I want him to love me because he wants to.

[SIGHS]

Wonder who we'll get to help with the baby.

You'll figure something out. Listen.

[SIGHS]

Your father and I have made some mistakes in our lives.

But the biggest mistake we ever made,

was when we stopped trying.

Oh, I wish I had some special box

with all the wisdom in the world in it I could give you, honey.

But I know part of growing up is

learning to make your own mistakes.

But, you promise me one thing, will you?

Don't ever stop trying.

I promise, Mom.

I promise.

That's my baby. That's my girl.

I got to pack or I'm going to miss that plane.

EVELYN: "Dearest Greg, I wish there was some way I could

"convey to you how I really feel,

"and how sorry I am

"if for any reason I offended you

"or overstepped my boundaries in any way.

"Chloe is my first grandchild,

"and Billie, my only daughter.

"This should be a wonderful time for all of us.

"Thank you for loving my daughter.

"Thank you for giving us a grandchild.

"And please forgive my misplaced enthusiasm.

"With love, Evelyn."

Come on, pumpkin. Come on, eat your eggie.

Eat your eggie for Dad, Dad, Dad...

No!

What did you say?

No.

Billie.

Billie, Billie. Come here.

What's the matter? What's the matter?

Billie. She just said her first word.

She said "no."

Oh, baby, that's so wonderful.

Say it for Mommy. Say it for Mommy.

Come on. Say it again.Come on.

Say it for Mommy. No. Say it again. Say it again.

Can you say "no"?

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

BOTH: Aw, she gave us a raspberry.

[LAUGHING]

Come on darling.Say no.

BOTH: Say no. Say no.

You can do it.No.

No.

[BOTH SCREAM EXCITEDLY]

[LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY]

Baby, we made her from scratch and she talked.

Yes, and she said "no".

Aw.

No. No.

[BLOWS RASPBERRY] No.

No.

Come on, sweetheart. You can say yes, can't you?

No.

No. No. No.

No. [BLOWS RASPBERRY]

No. No.

No.

No. No!

Na, na, na. [BLOWS RASPBERRY]

You want someone caring, loving,

responsible, experienced.

A good cook, doesn't mind cleaning,

drives a car and can handle emergency situations.

BOTH: Yes.

In other words,

you need a mother-in-law.

BOTH: She left.

Just another minute, just another second.

Two seconds.

[CHLOE CRYING]

Here, here, here. It's okay.

It's okay.

It's okay, here. Here's Mommy.Hold Mommy.

[CHLOE CRYING]

Oh, my God!

[BATH RUNNING]

[THUNDER CLAPPING]

[CHLOE WAILING]

It's okay. It's okay.

It's okay. It's okay.

[CHLOE CONTINUES CRYING]

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

RECEPTIONIST ON INTERCOM: Dr. Parker, your patient will be arriving

fifteen minutes late.

WOMAN: Hoskins Public Relations. May I help you?

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

[HORN BLOWING]

Can you do that?

Billie, there's no film in the camera.

There's no film in the camera. There's no cake.

You were supposed to get the film.

You were supposed to get the cake.No, no, no.

You were supposed to get the film.No.

And you were supposed to get the cake.Oh. No, no, no.

I got the clown, the party favors and the decorations.

Doesn't that just suck the big one?

[CHILD SCREAMS]

Suck the big one.

[LAUGHING AND SCREAMING]

[LAUGHING]

[HORN BLOWING]

[SINGING IN HEBREW]

Mama, when's Santa coming?

SANTA: Merry Christmas.

Ho, ho, ho.

Who is that? Merry Christmas!

Ooh! No.

Oi.

Oi, I'm stuck. Billie, I'm stuck.

Santa!

Ho. Ho. Ho.

Miss, I'm stuck could you help?

Okay, I'll be right there.

Santa's stuck.

Ho. Ho. Ho. Ho.

Mommy. [CRYING]

What's the matter, little girl?

Ooh! It's okay.

Chloe... It's okay.Merry Christmas.

It's only Santa, honey.

Hurry up, will you?I'm trying.

[SCREAMING] Mommy.

Please don't cry.

No, you don't have to be afraid.

Look.

It's just Daddy.

[SCREAMING]

Greg.

Argh!

Baby toys, clothes, $198, $65, baby outfit.

Thirty-one and... Popples slippers?

Care Bear nightwear.

My Little Pony... My God...

Where do you shop? Cartoon land for sucker parents?

What happened to sales? What happened to discounts?

What happened to sanity?

I'm doing the best that I can.

If you don't like it,

you do the shopping.

Fine. I will.

I don't suppose you bother checking sizes or gender?

These are lovely.

She's never eaten a marble.

She might like that.

Let's see.

You want a live-in,

must be good with babies.

Must have experience.

Must cook, must drive.

Must speak English.

Seventy-five dollars a week.

[LAUGHING]

Hey, buddy.

You don't need a nanny.

You need a wife.

[LAUGHING HEARTILY]

GREG: How did this ever happen to me?

♪ He's a man He's a boy He's Brahma

♪ Brahma

Yeah, yeah.

[LAUGHING]

Whoo-hoo.

Yeah, give it to me, baby.

DIRK: Yeah. Let's party.

♪ That's no more ♪

DIRK: Yeah.

Hey! Fun man. Come here.

You almost missed the party!

Dirk.

You have an interview with Time Magazine in 15 minutes.

Time Magazine!

Relax.

Check out some of the chicks. [LAUGHING]

Hey.

Want to get high?

Greg, my man, go for it!

Actually whenever, I want to get inebriated,

I hyperventilate.

Make love to me.

I think I'm hyperventilating.

Please.

GREG: Oh, my God. What am I doing?

Stop it.

Greg, you're a happily married man.

I'm sorry, miss.

I'm a happily married man.

You don't look so happy.

She's right.

I don't look so happy.

I don't feel so happy.

Well, I feel happy now.

You know, a lot of people cheat.

Good people cheat.

Intelligent people.

Ah, look at that nubile body.

Wait a minute.

What's going on here?

Brain to conscience. Brain to conscience.

Mayday. Mayday.

Bypass lust.

Speak to me. Speak to me.

Oh, my God.

What am I doing down there?

[DISTORTED VOICE] Come on, Greg. Do the nasty.

Jump her bones.

Do the wild thing.

Real commitment.

True partnership.

What a crock of male bullshit.

This is your chance.

I dare you.

Come on, show your true colors.

Do the wild thing.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Thanks, miss.

No.

No, thanks.

[GUESTS LAUGHING AND CLAPPING]

Being a doctor, I usually tell jokes by appointment only.

Who says the appendix is a useless organ?

It's made lots of doctors rich.

[CROWD LAUGHING]

But not me, of course, because I'll be paying off my med school loan

for the next 30 or 40 years.

I want to leave you with this thought.

Maybe, I'm just no good, but, what the heck?

Where else are you going to get anesthesia this cheap?

[CROWD LAUGHING]

Oh. No, no, no.

Cut it out.

ANNOUNCER: Let's hear it for Dr. Billie Parker.

Thank you, thank you. Thank you.

[CROWD APPLAUDING]

[WHISTLING]

Thank you.

Thank you for indulging me.

Thank you very much. You've been great. Whoo!

They sort of liked me. Can you believe it?

You were very funny.

This is like a dream come true.

This is like what we talked about on our first date!

Oh. Can you believe it?

Yes.

I can believe it.

I've never seen you drink before.

I've never seen you on stage before.

How do I look?

You look fine. Really?

Really, you don't think I need a face-lift.

You know, get rid of my wrinkles now that I'm in showbiz?

Sure.

Maybe while you're at it, you can get a tummy tuck.

Maybe a heinie hoist.

Don't forget some silicone in the old boobies for dada.

I mean, now that you're in show business,

you don't want to look like a Ubangi mother of 12.

What is your problem?

I almost got fired today.

I also got a letter in the mail apprising me

that there have been three cases of head lice

at our daughter's day care center.

Well, that's very common.

[IMITATING] "It's very common."

It's very common in the swamps of Louisiana.

It's very common in third world countries.

Keep your voice down, please.

It's very common in the cocaine fields of Bogota.

It's very common among the Shiites of West Beirut.

It's very common among the inmates of Folsom Prison.

Hey keep it down, buddy.

And I'm sure it's pretty common to him.

But we're talking about head lice

on our little baby girl.

Okay, buddy, you have some...

Now wait, Biff, come on, come on.

Come on you guys, really. I'm going to take him home now.

Just, everything's all right.

GREG: We have another mouth to feed!

We have another brain to educate.

We have a life to take care of!

We lost our freedom. I wasn't ready for this, goddammit.

Calm down, let's talk about it.

I've lost track of my wife.

I don't remember why we fell in love.

We're strangers.

I don't remember what it's like to be alone with you.

Darling, calm down. This is all fixable.

What would make you happy?

Happy?

I want to be in love again.

I want to feel in love again.

I want to... I want to feel...

I wanna feel creative.

I mean, you're doing your stupid comedy shit.

I want to feel hopeful again.

Do you hear something?

No.

Better go check the baby.

God. I can't even have a fucking conversation with you.

Darling, calm down. I'll be back in two minutes.

BILLIE: Greg?

What?

Greg?

Greg!

Greg, get up here!

Oh my God, Greg. I don't think she's breathing.

I don't think she's breathing, you see?

You see, oh my baby!

My baby Chloe. My little baby. Oh, God. No. Please.

Please my baby, please.

Oh God! Oh, my Chloe.

[CHLOE CRYING] Oh.

Oh, honey. Oh, God. Thank God.

Oh, baby. Yes, yes.

Come here. Huh.

Oh, my baby.

[CHLOE CRYING]

BILLIE: Oh, I love you.

GREG: I love you.

RADIO HOST: Good morning, everyone.

You're listening to CRDS, Columbia's all talk radio.

The big news today is that the state climatologist

says there is a 50% chance

that snow could reach the Columbia area by this time tomorrow.

Our first snow in two years.

I'll tell you whenever it gets like this,

it always makes me want to

get out the baseball and throw it around a bit.

It going to be a beautiful day today.

The state climatologist says temperatures should reach the low to mid 80's

with absolutely no chance of rain.

Local events you might want to take advantage of this week,

Don Portnoy and the University of South Carolina Orchestra

will be performing at the Koger Center on Wednesday.

The Columbia Mets play Spartanburg tonight at 8:00.

And you might want to check out the state fair.

You'll find me in the swine pavilion.

I want to know firsthand where our delicious barbeque is coming from.

The heat and smell of that pavilion always makes me want to...

Bring an umbrella. The state climatologist says

there is a 75% chance of thunder storms throughout the day.

Turning to national news, disaster has struck again.

A school bus, carrying 35 children collided with a freight train

outside Fort Worth, Texas in this morning.

So far there is no report on the number of fatalities.

There was another drive-by shooting in Los Angeles last night.

Three innocent people were killed

when gang members opened fire in front of a crowded movie theater.

Nineteen people are known dead

in the latest bombing attack in a small marketplace

outside of Beirut.

So far, three different terrorist groups

have claimed responsibility for the bombing.

I'll call you back.

Greg, you look angry. What's the matter? Something wrong?

Mr. Hoskins, I've spent more time

with an untalented,

overpaid,

drugged-out surfer,

than I have with my family.

I brought a child into a world

of impending nuclear disaster

and my roof leaks.

I've spent more money

on my little girl's pre-school

than I did on my entire

college tuition.

People are getting sucked out of jet liners at 20,000 feet.

Peanut butter is unsaleable.

The fish in the fucking sea are toxic!

There's lead in our public drinking fountains.

I'm growing tits from eating too much chicken.

And my marriage is falling apart!

Greg, calm down.

I think you're having a nervous breakdown.

Yup, you're goddamn right I'm having a nervous breakdown!

Now, I want my vacation, the one you owe me.

Two weeks, starting today.

I'm taking my family to see Michelangelo's David whether you like it or not!

Fine.

Fine?

Fine?

Greg, this is showbiz.

Holler, scream, act like a shit and get what you want.

Brahma's been canceled.

[LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY]

Oh.

No.

Chloe, we won.

We're going. We're going.

We won, honey.

We won, we won, we won.

I didn't say we were moving to Italy.

It's a vacation, not a garage sale.

What's in here, for Christ's sake?

Greg, we're traveling with a child.

A child. Not the Vienna Boys Choir.

Then why are we here so early?

It's good to be early.

Yeah, but half the day, Greg, isn't that a wee bit anal?

If my anal area is a wee bit tight,

it's because I'm carrying enough luggage to give Hulk Hogan a hernia.

I'm going to be Quasimodo by the time we hit Rome

and you know what it's like to go through customs?

We might as well be at the Circus Vargas!

Greg, stop.

Turn around.

Come here.

Come here.

Look at me. Look in my eyes.

Calm down.

You're starting to act like an old crab. Now cut it out.

Look at my smile.

Look at our baby.

We're a family. We're on vacation.

Come on. Let's try and have a good time.

I'm sorry.

PILOT: We would like to welcome you aboard US Air Flight 11...

Any pillows here?

[GREG GIGGLING]

Pillow? BILLIE: I'd like one.

I want one, too.

Thank you. There you go.

What do you say? Thank you.

Tell me again, Daddy.

Oh. Okay.

We are flying all the way to a place over here.

Okay? It's called London.

Then we take a little airplane

and we go to a place called Rome.

Then we get in a train. Okay?

And that train goes all the way into tunnels.

And then the mountains.

Then we end up in a place called Florence.

And that's where we are going to see Michelangelo's David.

[SNICKERING]

Give me five. Give me five.

[GIGGLING]

And we're going to end up in a place called Florence.

And it's going to be very beautiful and that's where we are going to see...

Honey, I want you to hold that with two hands.

'Cause if you spill that on Daddy...I have to go potty.

So, why are you telling me?

Mommy always takes you potty, sweetheart.

I'll take you, darling.

No, I want Daddy.

You do?

You want Daddy?

Daddy will take you potty. I'll hold this.

Me and my girl.

Here we go, honey.

Put your arms around me. Let's go potty.

And then...

We're gonna take a train ride.

All the way to a place called...Daddy?

I have to go potty.

[LAUGHING]

Okay.

Put your arms around Daddy. Let's go potty.

And then...

We're gonna see Michelangelo's David.

It's a very beautiful statue.

Daddy?

I know.

You have to go potty.

No.

I went pee pee in my pants.

"Who made the pie?

"I made the pie.

"Who stole the pie?

"I stole the..."

Chloe?

Two hands on that Pepsi.

If you spill that Pepsi on Daddy's lap...

I'm gonna leave you with a big,

fat Italian woman,

with a mustache, who eats children for breakfast!

[GIGGLES]

Don't you ever get sleepy, honey?

I'm not tired, Daddy.

No?

She sure is a daddy's girl.

Oh, excuse me, miss.

How much longer do we have?

The plane will be taking off

any minute now.

So, why don't you relax,

and enjoy 14 hours in the air.

Daddy? Yes, honey.

I spilled my Pepsi on you.

What?

Just kidding. [GIGGLES]

Oh, God.

PILOT: Would a Dr. Billie Parker please depress your call button

and identify yourself.

Mommy! That's you.

What's goin' on? I don't know.

[WOMAN ON PA SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Daddy.

Your mother's fine.

She'll be pleased to see you.

Can I see her now?

You know what...

She was okay. She was doing the...

Cooking and everything was okay. And then...

The next minute...

What did the doctor say?

He said she's going to be all right. Uh...

Go home in a couple of days.

Thank God.

Mom?

Mom?

How you feelin'?

Oh, much better. Yeah?

The first thing I'm going to do,

when I get out of this hospital,

is throw away those damn cigarettes.

I love you so much, Ma.

I love you. I love you, sweetie.

[SNIFFLING]

Billie. Now what?

I love the name "Chloe".

Thanks.

Maybe you can sneak her in here.

Yeah? Yeah.

CHLOE: Daddy? Shh, not now, sweetheart.

CHLOE: Is this what a baby kangaroo feels like?

Yes, sweetheart.

[NURSES CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]

NURSE: Okay.

Greg. Greg.

Special delivery.

EVELYN: Oh. Aw.

Grandma. Chloe, my darling.

Grandma, I'm a baby kangaroo.

You sure are, honey.

How do you feel?

Oh, just terrific.

So sorry, I took you away from the David.

It's not a real person. It's just a statue.

Mommy told me a little about your trip.

She said you all got exhausted.

And you didn't even leave Columbia.

Yeah.

I think next vacation, we'll spend it in bed.

[CHUCKLES]

[LAUGHING]

Greg, take good care of my baby.

I'm not the greatest father.

But I think I'm starting to get the hang of it.

No, your baby is fine.

Take good care of my baby.

Evelyn...

I love Billie more than anything in the whole world.

I know you do, honey.

Just don't forget to have fun.

Have fun?

Have fun.

Ah! [LAUGHS]

Give me a kangaroo kiss.

Bye-bye. EVELYN: Bye-bye.

I'll be back soon, okay?

EVELYN: Bye, sweetie.

Bye-bye.

Bye, baby.

Mommy, you try...

Oh, I don't know.

You wanna... [GREG LAUGHS]

Whoo. Oh, that's lovely, I'm sure.

Daddy, is that what the Italian lady is going to look like,

that you're going to leave me with?

[LAUGHING]

No, more like this. No, more like this.Darling...

Oh, Dad. Ow!

Ahhh! Ahhh!

Come here, little girl.

FRANK: Ah. Rah! [CHLOE SCREAMS]

Oh, where is she? Where is that girl?

[GIGGLING]

[CHLOE GIGGLING]

Ha, ha, ha! Whoo!

[GROWLING]

[GIGGLING]

[GROWLING]

FRANK: I'm gonna get you.

I'm gonna get you. No!

Excuse me, Mr. Parker, can I speak with you for a moment, please?

Chloe, come here. Daddy needs to hug you.

[INAUDIBLE]

Why'd she go?

Daddy, where did grandma go?

[CHURCH BELL TOLLING]

Why'd she go?

[BILLIE SOBBING]

[MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING]

Yes, sir. Yes, Mr. Parker.

Well, let me go get her.

Uh-huh.

I think she's resting. She's, uh...

Going through a rough time now.

Sure, I'll let her know.

Okay, bye-bye.

I love you, too.

Bye.

♪ Hey, hey, hey, Billie

♪ I want to know

♪ If you'll be my girl

♪ Hey, hey, hey, Billie

♪ I want to know

♪ If you'll be my girl ♪

Don't cry, Daddy.

You've got the whole world at your feet.

Don't cry, Daddy.

You've got the whole world at your feet.

Chloe?

MR. HOSKINS: I know I should have rented a car. God, there goes my muffler. Oh!

People really live like this?

I can't believe this. My God.

Jesus. Ah. Anyway, your...

Greg, I can't tell you how important this is to me.

I'll tell you on a, on a scale of one to ten, this is...

This is at least a million, for Christ sakes.

Greg.

GREG: Look at that sky.

Jesus Christ.

MR. HOSKINS: What are you looking at?

GREG: Evelyn is a part of that sky?

What are you looking at? What are you looking at?

Are you listening to me?

Yeah, yeah. It... It's important.

That little bastards just came off a platinum album.

Kids love them. I think they're a gold mine.

Mr. Hoskins, you want their account

and you're calling them the little bastards

right in front of where they live?

That's their name, "The Little Bastards".

They fired their pianist, went through the roof.

They sing obscenities a cappella with all that bullshit drum shit.

Yeah, it's called rapping, Mr. Hoskins.

I don't relate to that at all.

That's because I think they're pigs and they know that.

And for some reason, they like that. But you, you're young.

You were brought up on that drum shit.

You can become friends with The Little Bastards...

Will you tell me what you're looking at?

[ENGINE STARTING]

Greg, are you listening to me?

What are you looking at, Greg?

I need your attention 100% of the time.

You pay attention, do what I tell you!

Together we can make a fortune.

[RAPPING] Come in, asshole! If you dare.

Bring your friend. Derriere.

Yo, I got this chick. She is really fine.

You know, she likes to do it all the time.

Don't let it get to you, Greg.

Just keep thinking about how much money we're going to make.

All the time.

Honey bear!

What are you doing here? [GIGGLING]

Sure is quiet around here.

Hasn't been this quiet in...

[SCOFFS] Four years.

Now that Chloe has her little school,

the house seems kinda empty, doesn't it?

How much time do we have?

Well...

She's spending the entire day

at her friend Katie's house.

Don't move. Stay right here. Don't move.

Where are you going?

Greg!

Greg, what are you doing?

Give me a hint. Come on. Greg.

Champagne, microwave popcorn, hot peppers.

Mmm.

Ice cream sandwiches. [GASPS]

The Alien.

You wanna have a party?Yes.

Here.

You know what I was thinking?What?

I've always wanted to paint.

Then you should.

Well, you know, maybe I could take some classes.

I've always wanted to do that.

Then you will. You just will.Mmm-hmm.

And you know what I could do?Hmm?

I'll build you a place on the porch.

And it'd be semi-enclosed.

So, you could paint in the sun if you want. You can paint in the shade.

You can paint anytime you want. How's that sound?

Oh, that'd be great.

So, what do you say? You wanna have another baby?

Go ahead. Have a good time.

Make a baby.

Mom?

What do you think, Evelyn?

That's what it's all about, kids.

♪ It's still the same old story

♪ A fight for love and glory

♪ A case of do or die

♪ The world will always welcome lovers

Life is so weird.

♪ As time

You said a mouthful.

♪ Goes

♪ By ♪

Daddy, where was I before I was?

Um...

Um... Well, um...

Ugh.

Um, well you, uh...

Where were you before you were?

Well...

Well, you were, you were in Mommy and Daddy's love.

CHLOE: In Mommy's tummy?

GREG: Yes, yes. In Mommy's tummy.

But how did I get in Mommy's tummy?

Well, um...

Um, well, you see, what, what, what I...

I... I kind of put you there.

Yeah, you see, I put... I put you there.

With, um...

I put you... I put you there with... With my love.

Where did your love come from?

Gimme your finger.

Comes from here.

Comes from... Yeah.Here?

From my heart.

Your heart? Yeah.

GREG: Why are you looking at me so funny, sweetheart?

You understand, don't you?

My love comes from my heart.

But... But, Daddy.

How does your heart get in Mommy's tummy?

Do you stuff it in there?

Is there a magic word?

Do you punch it in there?

What do you do? Billie!