Original subtitles

(Transcribed by TurboScribe. Go Unlimited to remove this message.) Not so fast.

You're eating other people's leftovers?

That's gross.

Hey, what's the big deal?

A piece of unbuttered toast, untouched eggs, and

a perfectly good strip of bacon.

It's a crime to waste food.

Although in here it's only a misdemeanor.

Why would you eat off a stranger's plate?

Because I didn't like what you ordered.

Besides, you're just going to throw it out

anyway.

But I was going to keep the tip,

so hand it over.

You know, you should at least split it

with me.

I mean, I did bust a table.

On second thought, keep the tip, just lock

the door.

Why would I lock the door?

Hi, everybody.

Hi, Sarah.

Oh, Reggie, I'm so glad I caught you

here.

Then again, where else would you be?

Anyway, as promised, here are my vacation pictures.

Richard, the kids, and I spent five glorious

days in Bermuda.

That's an island.

Yes, filled with white people longing to be

brown.

Everyone had such a wonderful time.

Oh, look, the baby whales come right up

on the beach.

Those are my children.

No way!

I mean, cute kids.

So, anyway, now that I'm back, we really

should get together and go on a double

date.

Whenever you find someone.

No rush.

Actually, I'm seeing someone now, Sarah.

Really?

Yes, really.

In fact, we're going to dinner tonight.

Oh, well, why don't we make it a

foursome?

Well, I don't really...

Oh, I'll have Richard make the reservations.

Oh, I'll call you.

I can't wait to meet your special someone.

Neither can I.

Neither can she.

Well, aren't you a gentleman?

Yeah, a gentleman who just found a quarter.

Becker, I need to ask you a favor.

Oh, God.

No.

Come on, you haven't even heard it yet.

I was taking Jake's lead there.

Look, I need you to be my date

tonight to go to dinner with Sarah and

her husband.

God, no.

Good call there, buddy.

Come on, Becker.

It's hard to get a date on such

short notice.

Check the back of the village bush.

You can get a date in an hour.

Or is that for an hour?

Look, Reg, if it was just you, I'd

think about it.

I'd still say no, but I'd think about

it.

But Sarah is just a chirpy little snot

who gets up on making you feel bad

about yourself.

Look, Becker, I'm grasping at straws here.

I'm dateless and I'm desperate.

You know, at easy and lonely, sticking in

the village voice, I bet you'll scare up

someone.

You're late.

No, you're early.

And considering what you pay me, you should

be happy I'm here at all.

I hope there's somebody standing behind me, because

you better not be talking to me.

It's my new attitude.

I just started taking assertiveness training classes.

Why?

Back off.

I'm getting to that.

I've been pushed around enough in my life,

so now I'm learning to stand up for

myself and get what I want.

And what I want is to leave early

today because my class starts at five, so

that's what I'm gonna do.

No, you're not.

Okay.

Hi.

Is Becker here?

What's it to you?

Linda, knock it off.

Okay.

He's in his office.

Yes?

No.

Becker.

No way.

I'm not going out to dinner with you.

Come on.

I called everyone I could think of, including

some guy who wrote his number in the

bathroom, claiming he could go all night.

Unfortunately, he can't go tonight.

Well, maybe he can go tomorrow night.

If I have to beg, I will.

All right.

Let's see what you got.

Come on, Becker.

Please.

Oh, you know...

All right.

Fine.

I'll go.

But we're gonna establish some ground rules here.

No kissing.

No touching.

No cute little nicknames.

No affection of any kind.

Are we clear?

Thank you, Becker.

What did I just say?

Oh, don't be such a hard-ass.

I said no nicknames!

Now that we know you're dating Reggie, it

makes sense why you're always at the diner.

Well, he could have been going there just

because he likes Reggie's cooking.

Richard's so funny.

Either laugh or go mad.

Right, Richard?

So, do you two like kids?

We haven't really gotten to the talking-about

-kids point in our relationship.

Oh, well, don't wait too long.

Tick-tock.

Don't let Sarah rush you into having kids.

When it's time to end your life, you'll

know.

So, um...

Anyway, Richard, I haven't been seeing you at

the bakery very much.

Oh, well...

Oh!

That's because I'm running it now.

I guess you could say that I'm the

breadwinner in the family.

I make lots of dough.

You get it?

Yes, it works on so many levels.

Actually, I've always wanted to teach English, so

I got a job at the high school.

Oh, that must be really rewarding.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, it's great.

Although, if I wanted to have stuff thrown

at me and be called a dork, I

could have stayed at home.

John hasn't seen our pictures from our vacation

yet.

Oh, lucky for you, I happen to have

them right here.

Oh, thank God.

I mean, a patient of mine is having

a bad reaction to some medication I gave

him.

I'm sorry.

I gotta go.

Oh, too bad.

We were having so much fun.

Oh, yeah, no, right.

Yeah, anyway, I gotta go.

I hope your patient's okay.

Thank you.

Don't wait up.

Will you excuse me?

John?

John?

Becker!

What?

Did you beep yourself?

No, I actually have a sick patient.

Isn't that great?

Yeah, for you, but I'm still stuck here.

I need your credit card.

Forget it.

I couldn't find a purse that goes with

this dress.

Those shoes don't go with the dress.

You brought them.

Fine, fine.

But just remember, I had salad and iced

tea.

That's all.

And don't go nuts with the tip.

11% is more than enough.

Thanks.

And I'd really hate to ask you for

anything else, but Sarah's watching, so could you

just kiss me goodbye?

I thought we had a rule.

Come on, Becker.

Just one.

Geez.

High school kids have changed.

First day, they stuck a sign on my

back.

I thought it said, kick me.

Turns out it said, kill me.

Lucky for me, they can't read.

Oh, my gosh.

Look how late it is.

You're supposed to just walk me home, not

stay here and entertain me.

I hope Sarah won't be mad.

Oh, she's fine.

She's with the kids.

Actually, that's why she left early.

She is convinced that if she doesn't read

the kids a bedtime story, they won't be

able to sleep.

And I guarantee you, she woke them up

to do that.

I'm sorry.

I'm talking again.

If you want me to stop, just tell

me.

No, no, no, no.

I like listening to you.

Wow.

You know, I was dreading tonight, but I

had a great time.

Me, too.

Oh, and your boyfriend's very nice.

Oh, he's not...

Not what?

Not nice or your boyfriend?

Well, neither, actually.

What do you mean?

Well, I couldn't admit to Sarah that I

wasn't seeing anyone, so I asked Becker to

do me a favor.

Please don't tell her.

I am surprised.

I know.

I really should have just told her the

truth.

No, no, no, no.

I'm surprised that you're not dating anyone.

Oh, yeah.

Who could resist all this?

Well, I think you're amazing.

I mean, you know, you run a business.

You're going back to school.

You're pretty.

Any man would be lucky to have you.

Wow.

Talk about things you don't hear very often.

Well, I should get going.

Oh, right.

Yeah.

Well, thanks a lot for walking me home

again.

Oh, no.

I'm sorry.

That was inappropriate.

No, no, no, no.

I mean, we're friends, right?

Where is it, Reg?

Where's my credit card?

I couldn't sleep knowing you had it.

You miss the feeling of it in your

pajama pocket?

You're a pajama man, huh?

Bob liked to sleep a la mode.

I think he got that wrong.

I hope he got that wrong.

Hey, I'm not gonna ask again for my

card.

Okay.

Now, look.

Don't go crazy.

Our half of the bill was $120, so

here's my 60.

Our half?

The bill was $240?

All I had was salad and iced tea.

After you left, Sarah ordered a dinner to

go for her babysitter and a whole bunch

of desserts for her kids.

You let her get away with that?

Well, what was I supposed to do?

You pull out your calculator and you play

who had the chicken salad.

Dammit!

This always happens.

Whoever orders the most food always wants to

split the check.

Oh, 60 bucks for salad and iced tea?

I may never get over this.

Yeah, especially if we keep reminding him.

Sounds like you and John had a magical

night.

Yeah.

It wasn't all bad.

Did you ever find yourself attracted to someone

you never thought you'd be attracted to in

a million years?

Oh, my God, you and Becker?

No, not Becker.

I was out with Sarah.

Wait a minute.

You and Sarah?

Okay, okay.

Let me picture this.

Why is that not as hot as I

want it to be?

Not Sarah.

Richard, Sarah's husband.

No.

No, Reg, yes.

You could expose a whole new light on

things.

Looks like Sarah will soon be available.

She's not available because nothing is going on.

Besides, she hates you.

Yeah, all married and snooty, I had no

shot.

But single and desperate with two fat kids?

She, my friend, is on her way to

the bottom and Bob is the mayor of

the bottom.

Reg, I know you hate Sarah, but I

can't believe you'd make a move on her

husband.

I didn't.

Nothing happened.

We were just sitting here talking.

Just talking, huh?

Okay, well, we might have shared one kiss.

Oh, one really great kiss.

But believe me, nothing is going on.

You keep telling yourself that.

Oh, but nothing is going on.

We're just meeting for a friendly lunch at

four o'clock while Sarah picks up her

kids from dance class.

Totally innocent.

Reg, you know that after eating, you'll want

to stretch your legs, which leads to taking

a walk, which leads to your apartment, which

leads to sex.

Fine.

Maybe I'll just meet him for dessert.

Bad idea.

You'll eat too much, which leads to feeling

fat, which leads to changing clothes, which leads

to sex.

Coffee?

Coffee, coffee breath, mint, drugstore, aisle 12, sex.

Can we meet for water?

Water?

Why don't you just do it in the

streets?

What do you mean you peed at home?

You came here for a physical.

What do you think the plastic cups are

for, refreshments?

Now go out, get a beer, and when

you get back here, down low better be

tinkle time.

Linda!

Okay, you, sign in.

You, I want naked and waiting in room

one.

And you, get me a soda.

Linda!

Oh, right, get Margaret a soda too.

You have got to quit these assertiveness classes.

Take the day off and come back when

you are you again.

Don't you tell me what to do.

Go!

Okay.

She can't just leave in the middle of

the day.

Why do we even pay her if she's

not going to work?

Don't you question the way I run things

around here.

Mind your own business and let me handle

it.

Okay.

I'm back.

Did you talk?

Did you talk about the fact that he's

married?

Every relationship has obstacles.

So now it's a relationship.

Look, we didn't do anything.

What do you mean you didn't do anything?

Where does that leave Sarah and Bob?

Nowhere.

She hates you.

Always has, always will.

Yeah?

Don't be so sure, my friend.

You ever go to the pound and see

those dogs who are about to get put

down?

Oh, look who's here, the lovebirds.

Can't keep you two apart.

Yeah, unlike a check, you can't split us

up.

Sarah, ever been interested in going out with

a guy like Bob?

Oh, I'm married.

I'll check back with you next week.

So, Reggie, I just stopped by to say

I'm sorry for rushing off last night.

I just really like to be there to

put my kids to bed.

I agree.

They have five desserts.

Well, they did polish off the creme brulee

and the eclairs.

Little dumplings, they may be on their way

to fat camp.

Well, I gotta go, but we really should

try to get together again soon.

Oh, you know, I don't think I'll...

That's a great idea.

How about tonight?

Tonight?

Isn't he spontaneous and fun?

Uh, look, Sarah, I really...

I'm sorry.

I'll let Richard know.

Same time, same place, okay?

Good.

See ya.

Wasn't last night embarrassing enough?

Why would you want to have dinner with

them again?

To get even.

Last night she fed herself and her two

fat kids on my dime.

Tonight I'm the fatty and she's buying.

But if you order a whole bunch of

food, you're still gonna have to pay for

it.

Don't bother me with logic.

I'm working off a spite here.

Don't ruin me.

Oh, hi, you two.

Game time.

Waiter.

Nice to see you again.

You, too.

Hi, I'm Paul.

I'll give you some time to look over

the menus.

Don't need time.

Ready now.

Let's go.

All right, now.

Oh, I'm still hungry from the other night.

You know, because all I had was a

salad.

And an iced tea.

Which actually sounds pretty good.

I'll have a salad and an iced tea.

Yes, a Caesar salad.

I'll have a Caesar salad, too.

With chicken.

All the same.

All right, then, Paul.

I'll have the Caesar salad with chicken as

well.

To start.

Then I would like a steak.

May I recommend the filet?

No, you can't.

Too small.

What else you got?

Well, there's the Chateaubriand, but that's for two.

I'll take it.

Okay, how would you like that cooked?

Quickly.

Very good.

Oh, Paul.

I didn't realize how hungry I was until

I heard him order.

Oh, it's too bad I don't eat meat.

What do you have in the way of

lobster?

Dammit.

Actually, we just had some lobsters flown in

from Maine.

Oh, what a shame.

The first night in the big city Bring

me the biggest one.

Very good.

Oh, Paul.

I'll be right back.

I have to go to the men's room.

Me, too.

What do you got in the way of

side dishes?

Well, we have a wide variety of vegetables

and our chef prepares potatoes in six different

ways.

Prove it.

I'm so sorry.

This wasn't my idea.

I know.

I tried to talk her out of it,

but, God, you look great.

So do you.

I had a really nice time at lunch

today.

I love talking to you.

I wanted to call you the second I

got back.

I wish you had.

Oh, God.

Richard, we shouldn't be doing this.

We should go back to the table.

Yeah, we should.

In a minute.

The jumbo shrimp are the biggest ones we

have.

Well, I'll take it.

Me, too.

Very well.

Oh, Paul.

It just occurred to me that you have

a hose, sir.

I feel so guilty.

I mean, I don't know why.

We're just talking.

We're not doing anything.

I know, but if we keep doing this...

I know.

I don't...

Well, I could never do anything to hurt

Sarah.

Oh, that's right.

You'd have to consider that.

I mean, of course you couldn't.

But we can still be friends, right?

I mean, friends who meet for coffee.

Oh.

Uh...

I don't think we can.

Yeah, I don't think so, either.

Let me see if I got this.

Jumbo shrimp cocktail, Caesar salad with chicken, Chateaubriand

for two, one two-and-a-half-pound

lobster stuffed with lobster, asparagus, a bottle of

the 94 Mouton Rothschild, and a chocolate souffle.

And for the lady, same thing, no asparagus.

Excuse me.

Everything okay?

Everything's fine.

You know, I think I'm a little hungry

after all.

Oh, Paul!

I can't believe you didn't tell me what

was going on between you and Richard.

Well, nothing happened.

Well, it could have happened, but it didn't.

Well, it did just a little bit, but...

Reg, not everything I ate tonight really likes

everything else I ate tonight.

Could you come to the point, please?

Sorry.

It's just so unfair.

I really liked him, and he really liked

me.

Reg, he's married.

Everybody looks good.

Oh, that makes me feel so much better.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Look, you should feel proud you didn't mess

around in someone else's marriage.

I've been on both sides, believe me.

I know.

I felt bad enough after one kiss.

I couldn't have let it go any further.

You did the right thing.

Good for me.

I get to curl up with my conscience

tonight.

Hey.

Listen.

You're terrific.

You know, someday you will find someone special

who...

Someone who will make...

Someone...

Thanks, Becker.

That was such a nice thing to say.

Oh, my gosh.

So I almost had an affair, and you

paid $300 for dinner.

It's kind of a first in both of

our lives.

All I know is we split the check,

and I ate more, so I won.

No, just...

Mia will just stay down.

I'm gonna be one happy man.

I'm gonna be one happy man.