Original subtitles

(Transcribed by TurboScribe. Go Unlimited to remove this message.) No, no, come on.

No more stops.

Let's go.

Come on.

You're no fun at all.

You're just figuring that out?

I never said I was fun.

I said I was in a hurry.

Oh, oh, oh, wait a second here.

I need something in this shop.

I'll be right back.

Watch Jake.

Hey, watch Jake.

Nobody needs to watch Jake.

Great, because I'm going to go look at

that coat.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I didn't see you standing there.

It's okay.

Excuse me.

Your voice sounds really familiar.

Do I know you?

I'm Jane Clayson from the early show.

I don't see much TV.

Have a nice day.

Uh, John?

Linda?

Um, this can't be good.

Okay, God, I know this is a mortal

sin and all, but I don't know what

else to do, all right?

So if you've got a plan for me,

just give me a sign.

Any kind of a sign, anything will do.

Oh, my God.

What's that?

Who's there?

Hey, did you come from above?

Yeah.

So you're here to help me?

Help you?

I'm the one who needs help.

Oh, you're just some guy.

What are you doing here?

Well, I'm lost.

Lost, man?

You don't know the meaning of the word.

Okay, how about I'm blind and I don't

know where I am?

Well, how about I'm about to hang myself?

Okay, you win.

You can't kill yourself.

Let me help you.

Look, man, you want to help, tap your

way over here and kick this chair out

from under me.

Man, this is crazy.

Don't do it.

Why not?

Because I don't want to be stuck down

here with a dead guy.

And, uh, there's a lot to live for?

Yeah, like what?

All right, you kind of caught me by

surprise here.

Just give me a minute.

What's your name?

Owen.

Owen, I'm...

I'm Jake.

Hey, Jake, pleasure.

Ah!

What happened?

Nothing, nothing.

It's just, in addition to everything else, it

turns out I'm too stupid to live.

I-I don't know what your problems are,

but could you at least help me find

my way home?

Uh, I'm kind of in the middle of

trying to kill myself.

I promise you, the neighborhood we're going to,

there's a good chance you'll get killed anyway.

Melinda, did Jake call you?

Yeah, but don't worry, I didn't talk to

him.

What?

You got a blind guy wandering aimlessly through

the streets of New York, he finally calls,

you don't care enough to talk to him?

Well, he called collect, and you said never

accept a collect call.

Well, you know, at least, at least we

know he's okay.

John, where's Mr. Pollen's file?

I've been looking everywhere for it.

It's right where I said it was, on

top of my desk.

No, it isn't.

Yes, it is.

No, it isn't.

Yes, it is.

No, it isn't.

Yes, it is.

I grew up in a family with seven

kids, I can do this all day.

Fine, fine, I'll get it.

It's right on top of the desk where

I said...

Where the hell is it?

Seems like if it was right on top

of your desk, you'd be out here with

it already.

I'm on the phone, Margaret.

Trifle?

Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm on the phone.

I love this thing.

John!

It's right here, you know, I don't know

what your problem is.

It's right where I said it was, all

along.

I didn't hear anything.

So, come on, who's up?

Let's go.

Christopher Hayes is in room one.

Thank you.

Oh, chocolate.

Please.

Well, maybe I'll just take one.

Chris.

Hey.

What's the problem?

Well, uh, it's kind of, um...

You know.

No, I don't.

Okay, but I want you to know that

I played ball in college.

I can bench press 250 pounds.

Got it, got it.

You're impotent.

No, no.

God, no.

I can get up the bat.

Just can't seem to hit one over the

fence.

I'm sorry.

I can drive to the basket.

I just can't get it through the hoop.

See, you know, I'm usually pretty good at

this.

I have no idea what the hell you're

talking about.

I can't get my wife pregnant.

Well, of course you can't.

You're spending too much time playing sports.

You know, we've been trying for a while,

and I don't want to put my wife

through a bunch of tests, so I just

thought I'd make sure it wasn't me.

That's simple enough.

I'm gonna refer you to a fertility clinic.

You just give them a sample, and they'll

check it out.

Okay.

How exactly does that work?

Uh, you know, getting a sample and all?

Yeah, well, uh, just think of it as

batting practice.

Jake, where have you been?

I was starting to get worried about you.

Yeah, well, it wasn't fit.

Well, I got you here now.

I gotta go.

No, no, no, don't go.

At least sit down and have a cup

of coffee.

Look, I may have mentioned I got plans.

Wait, there's some people I want you to

meet.

Reggie, Bob, this is my good friend...

Owen.

Right, Owen.

Um, I was downtown earlier, and I kind

of ran into Owen.

Hey, look, you know, Jake, Jake here's being

nice.

He wandered in on me as I was

about to hang myself.

Well, I gotta go.

Hang yourself?

Uh, yeah.

No, no, no, no, no, please sit down.

Maybe I can help.

I'm only six credits shy of being halfway

through my junior college psychology degree.

So you're in good hands.

Bob, this is serious.

The man is talking about killing himself.

Yeah, take notes.

You know, it's very nice of you, but

you're not gonna be able to help me,

all right?

This is something I, you know, I struggle

with every day of my life.

You can never understand the kind of pain

I'm in.

Oh, yeah?

This morning I had a zipper accident?

You don't forget those in a hurry.

Anyway, I'm sorry about him.

Go on.

No, it's all right.

I mean, you know, who am I to

say my problems are any worse than anybody

else's?

I mean, after all, you're blind, and there's

obviously something deeply wrong with this guy.

My problems are not gonna go away, you

know?

Maybe it would help to talk about them.

No, I can't, I can't see us talking

would change anything, you know?

But if you really want me to, sure,

I'll tell you about it.

I mean, there was this, this girl, uh,

named, named Valerie, and, uh, you know, I

fell in love with her when we were,

like, six years old, you know?

We, we, uh, you know, we dated all

through school, went to the prom together, and,

uh, you know, a month ago, we were,

we were supposed to get married.

So what happened?

She go lesbo on you?

What?

Oh, no, no, she didn't go lesbo on

me.

No, the day before our wedding, she, uh,

well, Valerie ran off with a guy she'd

always been in love with.

Not you, right?

Psychology.

You know, then to make things worse, I

got fired from the family business.

Ouch.

Yeah, well, you know, to be fair, my

dad didn't really want me hanging around after

he hooked up with Valerie.

But, uh, things kind of went downhill from

there.

There's more hill?

Look, Owen, don't give up.

Your luck's bound to change.

After all, you're, you're still young, you're interesting,

and you're a good-looking guy.

Hey, uh, now, I'm flattered, but this is

a really bad time for me to start

a new relationship.

Great.

I'd rather hang himself than go out with

me.

They say eating chocolate produces the same chemical

reaction in your body as having sex.

You know what?

Eat from your side of the box.

Hey, you know that box of chocolate Mr.

Gordon gave me for helping his cousin?

Have you guys seen it around?

Mm-mm.

Are you sure?

Mm-hmm.

Dr. Becker, hey, guess what?

I'm not gonna need the results of that

fertility test after all.

Yeah, we're pregnant.

Wonderful news!

Congratulations!

Well, just wanted to tell you the good

news.

Come on, honey, let's go look at baby

furniture.

Nothing but net.

John, I know you don't like children, but

you could have at least said congratulations.

Yeah, well, I got the results back on

his fertility test this morning.

Let's just say that someone hit a home

run, but Mr. Hayes was not the batter.

You know, John, I

can't believe that his wife would cheat on

him.

Maybe we should call the lab and double

-check on Mr. Hayes' results.

I already did.

Let's put it this way.

You have a higher sperm count.

Dr. Becker, Mrs. Hayes is here to see

you.

No, no, no, no, I don't want to

see...

Tell her I'm busy.

Tell her I'm out of the office.

Hi, Dr. Becker.

I told my husband I forgot something in

our apartment, so I could come back here

and talk to you.

The doctor will see you now.

Oh, could we, uh, speak privately?

Oh, of course.

Tell me everything.

I just need to know if...

Yeah, excuse me.

Ow!

Uh, I just need to know if you've

got the results of my husband's fertility test.

Yes, I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to

share that information with anyone except my patient.

Dr. Becker, I've shared a bed with the

man for the last seven years.

I'm pretty sure I know the results.

Well, what do you want from me?

Well, you saw how happy he was.

Isn't there any way you could just...

Well, I'm sorry.

The best I can do is give you

a head start so you can talk to

him first.

Oh, where would I begin?

Well, maybe it would help if you saw

a therapist or your clergyman.

Oh, I've seen them both.

And there's a very good chance that one

of them might be part of the problem.

You slept with both of them?

I mean...

I see, I see.

Okay, I've made some mistakes, but I promise

you that's all behind me.

I'm going crazy trying to think of some

way to explain it.

Well...

All right, how about this?

Could it be possible that, uh, because you

suspected that your husband was infertile, you-you

made a huge sacrifice and, uh, allowed yourself

to be impregnated by some other donor?

You know, just so you and your husband

could finally have a family.

Let's say that I did.

All right, Owen, we've been at this for

a long time now, and we still can't

find anything to convince you that your life

is worth living.

Doesn't that tell you something?

Think of all the great things you'll miss.

Like what?

Like the simple pleasures.

Like playing with your dog in the park.

My dog was hit by a bus.

Well, what about warm summer nights, huh?

Summer was my dog's name.

Should have named him Spring.

Then maybe he could have jumped out of

the way.

Okay, so you're not ready to laugh yet.

Chocolate is just like sex.

I've had too much, and I still want

more.

I can't believe we ate the whole box.

What kind of people are we?

We're not people.

We're pigs.

True.

There's one piece left.

Yeah, milk chocolate with coconut cream.

Oh, I love that one.

Yeah, well, it's mine.

No, it isn't.

Is too.

Is not.

Is too.

Listen, Linda, I grew up in a family

with seven kids.

Yeah, yeah, you can do this all day.

Meanwhile, I'm taking the chocolate.

Fine.

You want it?

Take it.

No, no, Margaret, I insist.

You have it.

Hey, when Chris Hayes gets here, tell him

I want to see him straight away, will

you?

Oh, I've been looking for these chocolates.

Oh, that's great.

Wait, there's one left?

Yeah, well, this one's mine.

Milk chocolate, creamy coconut, and something else.

Whatever it is, it's delicious.

Dr. Becker?

What?

Yeah, come on in.

Linda said to come on back?

Yeah, please, please.

So, you believe we're having a baby?

Never been so surprised in my whole life.

Well, today's young.

Um, so have you, have you talked to

your wife?

Are you kidding?

We're making plans like crazy.

We're picking out names, colors for the nursery.

I just can't wait to see who it's

gonna look like.

About that, um, you know, I think you,

I think you should hear the results of

your fertility test.

You think I know the results?

My wife's pregnant.

You know, let's, uh, let me put this

in, uh, sports terms, all right?

Um, so you're a, you're a baseball player

who's sterile.

Uh, but that's impossible.

I mean, if I'm sterile, the only way

my wife could be pregnant is if...

You know what this means.

Yeah, I think I do.

It's a miracle.

Excuse me?

Well, after all these years of trying and

trying, the Lord has finally reached out and

blessed us with a child.

Can you really believe that?

Let's say that I do.

Wait a minute, Owen.

I've got a great reason for you to

live.

Nah, forget it.

Look, I don't know why I'm wasting my

time here.

Look, there's no way you people would ever

understand what I'm going through.

I mean, you lead lives of privilege and

happiness.

Privilege?

Happiness?

Lives?

Look, hangman, let me set you straight, all

right?

You think you're the only one whose life

is a flaming bowl of crap, huh?

Yeah, I used to be a successful model,

but I lost every dime I made.

And then my father died and left me

this hellhole.

Yeah, but...

I live upstairs.

And what about Bob?

I'm broke, I got no friends, and I

haven't had sex in three years.

But what about the...

Look, I lied about that one time, okay?

And then on top of that, my wife

ran off with my business partner, and now

I eke out a living sticking my hands

up strangers' toilets.

By the way, I'm a super in the

building.

But what about me?

I grew up in this crappy neighborhood, and

I never left.

I run a failing newsstand, and I have

no future.

And don't forget your blinds.

Yes, yes!

Thank you, I forgot about that.

So you see, you're not the only one

in the world with problems.

So if you really want to go kill

yourself, go right ahead.

Well, you know, I've got to admit, after

hearing your stories, I feel kind of silly

complaining about my life.

But really, I mean, you guys seem to

have to pour it on quite so thick,

as if anyone could live the horrible lives

you guys described.

But, you know, thanks for lying to me

and making me feel better.

Yeah, that's what we did.

So I can go now, right?

Yeah, you know, as long as you promise

not to kill yourself.

Oh, yeah, you know, look, I got my

problems, but, you know, I think until I'm

a blind ex-model with my hands stuck

up someone's toilet, I'll muddle through.

What, is it my imagination or is the

stench of failure hanging in the air a

little thicker than usual?

That guy just passed.

We stopped him from killing himself.

That's a good thing, though, right?

Yeah, for him.

The only way we could make him feel

better was to tell him what losers we

are.

And we were very convincing.

Yeah, well, I don't care what you say.

You saved a man's life.

You know, as far as I'm concerned, that

makes you anything but losers.

You really believe that?

Let's say that I do.

I do.

I do.