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(Transcribed by TurboScribe. Go Unlimited to remove this message.) For hollandaise, hash browns, wheat toast, maybe some

fresh fruit and a non-fat cappuccino.

Powdered or glazed?

Glazed.

That'll be $62.50. Well, I'm never gonna

be able to afford this bagel.

Relax, Linda.

$62.50 is what Bob owes me.

Whoa, that's really gone out of hand.

I guess I'm gonna have to start a

new tab.

Well, it's official.

The nuts are out in full force today.

You're not gonna believe this.

Six o'clock in the morning, somebody knocks

on my door.

That's incredible.

There's more, Linda.

Oh, good, because that part is really boring.

Yeah, anyway, you know, I open the door,

there's a guy asking to borrow some underwear.

Now, Linda, that's incredible.

Yeah, then on my way to work, some

guy in a full New York Jets uniform

stops me, tells me it's fourth and long,

asks me if I know what the play

is.

I come to run to the river and

then go deep.

Geez, Becker, fourth and long, you got a

kick.

Yeah, what was I thinking, huh?

It's like I always say.

Well, I don't always say it, but I

have said it, so I guess technically I

sometimes say it, which is true.

Which means I say it pretty often, which

brings up an interesting point.

Is it often or often?

Linda, the point, what's your point?

That Mercury's in retrograde.

That always makes people act very strangely.

Right, astrology, what a load of crap.

You don't think people's lives are affected by

the stars?

Wait, are we talking about planets or celebrities?

Because clearly when Brad Pitt is in town,

traffic is tied up for hours.

I love Brad Pitt.

Me too, but in a totally non-gay

way.

Yeah, I gotta admit, I kind of envy

Brad Pitt because he's not involved in this

conversation.

All I'm saying is that when the planets

align to make it appear as though Mercury's

moving backwards through the solar system, people get

weird.

All right, let's test this little science of

yours, shall we?

What's, all right, here we go.

Yeah, what's your sign?

Libra, as if it isn't obvious.

Yeah, well, it says, uh, get out of

here, get to work, or I will fire

you.

Nothing about romance?

Just go, will you?

Get out, go on.

I know you're in there, come on.

You can run, but you can't hide.

I'm telling you, Dr. Becker, that woman was

definitely checking you out.

No, she wasn't.

Deny it all you want, but I'm telling

you, she was looking.

Really?

Oh, yeah.

Huh.

I mean, she had to be about 80,

but she was definitely interested.

Oh, yeah, that one.

I know you're in there, come on, get

out, get out.

You know, Margaret, if you want to tell,

all you gotta do is reach up and

pull one out.

No, there's something crawling around inside the walls.

Oh, you know what?

I'll bet it's a rat.

I know it's a rat.

I'm trying to find it so I can

kill it.

Well, it's a big deal.

It's probably just another rat come here to

make it on the great rat way.

It's such a tough life for them.

So much disappointment.

Oh, my God.

No, no, some make it.

Oh, this is incredible.

It's from the lab.

They made a mistake with Mr. Garland's test

results.

He's fine.

Oh, my God, John.

You told the man he was dying.

Yeah, well, he's not.

Gotta get him on the phone.

I can't believe the lab screwed up like

that.

Yeah, well, he's not the only one that's

happened to.

I sent the film for my vacation to

the lab and they totally lost it.

Yeah, different lab, Linda.

Well, all's I'm saying is this guy's got

the rest of his life to look forward

to.

I spent a week in Bermuda and I

have no idea what I did.

Hey, Jake, where have you been?

Uh, my nana sent me a package and

it took me an hour to pick it

up at the post office.

Turns out 45 minutes of that was me

waiting on line for the ladies room.

Hey, check it out.

Scrabble.

Scrabble, why don't you just send you an

archery set?

Now, what's that supposed to mean?

It means that giving a blind guy a

Scrabble set is cruel.

It would be like buying you a fish

tank.

It's a total waste.

I have a fish tank and I'll tell

you why.

I find the sounds of the bubbles to

be very relaxing.

Look, Jake.

No, I'm telling him.

You do not have a fish tank.

What you have is a toilet that needs

to be jiggled.

Reggie?

Once you started naming the fish, we just

didn't have the heart to tell you.

Let me see this.

Special edition.

Can be enjoyed by the blind and sighted

alike.

Okay, Bob stands correct.

Let's play, Jake.

So, a blind man playing Scrabble is wrong,

but you beating a blind man at Scrabble

you have no problem with.

Exactly.

That's okay, Reg.

Let the little weasel put his money where

his mouth is.

Oh, yeah?

50 bucks.

I'm in.

Oh, wow.

Look at this.

Each tile is marked in braille.

Wait a minute.

He can tell what they are?

I'm out.

Damn, I was looking forward to it.

I haven't played since I was a little

kid.

Really?

Well, why be a bad sport?

I'm back in.

What's the matter, Bob?

Afraid you can't beat a blind man at

Scrabble?

Do I sense a little trepidation?

If he can spell that, I'm out again.

Come on, let's just play.

Okay, fine.

Look, Reggie, you want to get in on

this?

Give me a chance to get even on

my tab?

In case you two have forgotten, I have

a business to run here.

I can't just drop everything and play a

game.

Rack him.

Mrs. Goldman, it's no wonder your scalp is

too dry.

You got to stop washing your hair.

But the bottle says, lather, rinse, repeat.

Yes, I understand that.

But at some point, you got to stop.

But the bottle says, lather, rinse, repeat.

Yeah, give it to me, give it to

me.

Lather, rinse, call Dr. Cooper?

Yes, yes, he's an excellent psychiatrist.

Margaret here will give you his number.

You can tiptoe all you want.

I know you're in there.

Yeah, maybe the two of you can carpool.

Mercury, rectograde.

No, it has nothing to do with that.

So you two are in on this?

Teach yourself.

There are two new patients waiting in your

office.

Stop that.

I can't.

Hi, I'm Dr. Becker.

You two fellas didn't put your names down

here.

Actually, we'd like there to be, uh, no

names involved.

Ah, all right.

Yes?

I'm Matt Clark, this is Burling.

Dude.

Sam, what can I do for you two

fellas?

Well, we have this terrible disease and the

only cure is to score a prescription for,

uh, medical marijuana.

Ah, yeah, I see.

What exactly is the name of this disease?

We don't know.

I mean, we did know.

But now we don't.

We may also have some memory loss.

And we don't know the name of the

disease.

And we may also have some memory loss.

You know, I think what you two are

referring to is called glaucoma.

I told you it started with a G.

Glaucoma.

Yeah, I also have glaucoma.

It's so bad I can hardly walk.

Nice try, fellas.

No, as a matter of fact, that was

really lame.

You know, glaucoma is a disease of the

eyes.

Now, get out of my office.

Go on.

But my eyes are so bad I can

hardly walk.

Get out.

I told you it was a dumb idea.

If it's so dumb, why'd you go along

with it?

Because I'm stone.

Hey, you know, instead of drugs, why don't

you try getting high on life?

Oh, my God.

I'm officially 100 years old.

E.

S.

T.

Craziest.

Oh, my God.

You got two triple words and your Z

is on a double letter.

You know, you don't have to tell him.

One and three times eight, nine...

Oh, my God.

You get 275 points.

Oh, is that good?

Yeah, for one word, that's good.

Hey, I'm doing okay.

You know what?

I think he's cheating.

I mean, how do we know he's not

feeling addictionary under the table?

If you're that paranoid, why don't you take

a look?

Fine.

What are you doing?

I'm stretching.

Will you relax?

Look at these letters.

Look at them.

J, A, C, K, A, S, S.

I got nothing.

I want an orange.

You had a word.

Jackass.

Hey, I'm doing the best I can, moron.

Can you come out here right away?

Who are you talking to?

No, I don't care how much it costs.

Then I don't care who you're talking to.

John, that was the exterminator.

I want that thing out of here.

Margaret, it's just a rat.

You know, why do you hate it so

much anyway?

Because when I was a child, my father

bought me a little dog and...

Oh, please, please.

This is going to be that urban legend

story where the dog turns out to be

a rat.

No.

This is my sixth birthday party where my

dog was eaten by a rat.

Beats pin the tail on the donkey, I

guess.

Dr. Becker?

Oh, thank God.

Oh, Mr. Garner.

I just got your message.

Is it true?

I'm really not dying?

No, no, you're not.

I'm so sorry.

The lab made an error.

Your elevated white count is just a viral

infection.

I can't believe this.

I know.

It's a horrible mistake.

I can only imagine what you've been through.

But, you know, the good news is you're

fine.

The hell I am.

I've been living the last two weeks like

I only got two weeks left to live.

If I'm not dying, I'm a dead man.

Mr. Garland, I understand that you're angry.

No, you don't understand.

When I left your office that day, I

was devastated.

But then I figured if I've only got

a short time to live, well, I'm going

to go out in style.

So the first thing I did was quit

my job, told my boss to go straight

to hell.

What did I have to lose?

You told me I was dying.

You told me I was dying.

Yeah, I understand that.

But, you know, that's just a job, you

know.

So you burned a bridge.

No, no.

I burned his new BMW.

Why would you do that?

Because you told me I was dying!

Couldn't you pay him back?

Oh, I can't.

I spent all my money on champagne, limos,

and lap dances.

All of it?

I got a lot of lap dances.

So, you know, so you spent all your

money and you lost your job.

But see, all those things are fixable.

Oh, I haven't finished yet.

After that, I maxed out my credit cards,

cursed out my wife, and sent a photocopy

of my ass to the IRS.

Mr. Garland...

What do I do now?

Look, I'll try to help you.

You know, I'll call the lab.

You know, they made a mistake once.

There's a chance that I might not make

it?

I promise, I will exhaust every possibility.

But I'm only human, you know.

In the end, you may have to come

to grips with the fact that you're gonna

live.

Come on, will you pick a word already?

I can't even see he's taking less time

than you.

Don't rush me.

We're playing for big money here.

There.

Cat.

I'm using the C at the end of

your word, Jake.

Which one?

Zeebec.

I still said that's not a word.

Bob, I told you.

It's an antiquated, trimested Mediterranean sailing vessel.

None of those are words!

Not only was it a word, it was

83 points.

As opposed to Reggie's cat, which was...

five.

Cat is a perfectly good word.

And I'm not saying that it isn't.

I'm just saying with those same letters, you

could have made better words.

Or if you had another A, you could

put it in front of combs and have

catacombs, which would have given you 51 points.

I had an A, but I was saving

it.

For what?

Bat?

All right, smartass, it's your turn.

Read them and weep.

J-U-G-G-S.

Judge!

Not a word.

Yes, it is.

Jake's new stand magazine top shelf.

Forget about it, Bob.

It's a proper noun.

Besides, we already let you have melons, boobs,

and hooters.

I don't know what you guys want.

These are the letters I'm getting!

Oh, hi, Mr. Pearson.

Hello.

Hey, I see that sore on your lip

finally cleared up.

So what brings you here today?

If you don't mind, I'd rather discuss it

with Dr. Becker.

It's a little delicate.

Mr. Pearson, this is the doctor's office.

There's nothing you can't tell us.

Yes, there is.

Fine.

The doctor will be with you in a

moment.

Thank you.

May I use the restroom?

Of course.

Margaret, will I have callback with Mr. Garland's

new test results?

I called them three times, but their phone's

out of order.

Mercury, retrograde.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

What the hell's that?

Mr. Pearson.

Oh, yeah, right.

I'll be with you in a minute, Mr.

Pearson.

You know, I never thought I'd say this,

but I'm beginning to think that Linda was

right about all that astrology crap.

Oh, that's nonsense.

Strangest things don't happen to you because of

the planets or numerology or any of that

junk.

If your faith in the Lord was as

strong as mine, you would know that.

You lead a good life, you go to

heaven.

If you don't, you suffer the consequences.

Excuse me.

Oh, sweet Jesus.

Um, are you a new patient?

Yes, I am.

And your name is?

I'm known by many names.

Jim, James, Jimbo.

You get him, I'll get the rat.

Sorry, my friend, but I believe a duck

goes quack.

Bob, the word is quark.

It's a term in physics referring to one

of an elementary group of particles.

That's it.

You're doing too well.

And you know what else?

I think he can see.

That's right, Bob.

Jake's pretended to be blind all these years

so he could beat you at Scrabble.

It's possible.

Hey, Becker.

Don't get excited.

I can't stay.

Apparently the stars have aligned and turned my

office into a madhouse.

I'm just here to grab a smoke.

Scrabble with Jake?

Uh, John.

What, you think we're taking advantage of him?

No, actually, I think he's taking advantage of

you.

He played in the national championships like three

different times.

Excuse me?

Well, I only won once.

Jake, you hustled us.

Well, now, technically, he's not hustling unless you

were dumb enough to play for money.

I thought it was a sure thing.

He's blind.

I mean, the man's been throwing fish food

in his toilet for the last five years.

You know what?

Here.

Choke on it.

Better pay up, Reg.

Feed back my ass.

All right, Reg.

Take your cut.

So you were in on this, too?

Yes.

So you guys spent the day hustling Bob

out of 50 bucks?

Hey, I got him to put a little

money down on his tab.

And I got to humiliate him.

Where's the bath?

Let's get him again tomorrow.

Yeah.

What else did we get at?

I take the 50 and run.

So did you get the test results?

Am I dying?

Mr. Garland, sometimes, you know, no matter how

hard we try...

I'm gonna live?

Oh, no.

Why me?

I'm sorry, you know, but there's nothing else

we can do.

Oh, come on.

There's got to be something.

You know, look on the bright side here.

Every day you pick up a paper and

see how scientists are discovering something new that

can kill you.

That could take years.

You know, keep a good thought.

Jeez, who died?

Nobody.

Any more patients?

No, that's it.

Oh, thank God.

I've had enough nuts for one day.

And why do you think that is, Dr.

Becker?

Don't start with me.

You know, I was gonna go along with

that astrology crap, but then I looked it

up.

Mercury doesn't go into retrograde for another three

months.

Wow, that must mean all the weird stuff

that happened here today was nothing but a

bunch of unrelated coincidences.

Yeah, you got a better explanation?

Well, if you add up the month, the

day, and the year, that adds up to

26.

You add the 2 and the 6, that's

8.

Divide that by 4, that's 2, which is

the number of people here in this room.

Coincidence?

I don't think so.

Margaret, will you let go of that rat

thing?

I can't, John.

He's up there.

I know he is.

Get down.

Get down.

Come on.

To make you feel better, I'll go take

a look.

You see anything?

Oh, sweet...

You see anything?