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(Transcribed by TurboScribe. Go Unlimited to remove this message.) Isn't it a wonderful time of year?

Is it me, or is the whole city

just twinkling?

Okay, there's my Christmas cheer, divided amongst yourselves.

Can I have some coffee, please?

Coming right up.

Just made a fresh pot.

Ooh, fresh coffee.

Who had December in the pool?

Well, I can't wait for Christmas.

I'm gonna go out shopping and then curl

up in front of a roaring fire with

this great new guy.

What guy?

I don't know.

That's what I'm shopping for.

I'm with John.

I'm dreading Christmas this year.

Amanda and I are spending the holiday with

my nana, who affectionately refers to Amanda as

that little whore.

You know, I can beat that.

Louis is cooking Christmas dinner again this year.

That sounds nice.

Mm-hmm.

Last year, the turkey exploded.

You know that little bag of giblets?

Shot out of the kitchen, ricocheted off the

credenza, and knocked out the cat.

Well, that's a walk in the park compared

to spending Christmas with my mom at the

home.

Believe me, when death takes a holiday, that's

where we go.

Well, maybe you'd all feel differently about Christmas

if you stopped whining about your own lives

and tried to help someone less fortunate.

Reg, look around you.

By the time you find someone less fortunate,

it'll be Easter.

I'm talking about these dear Santa letters from

underprivileged kids.

The post office gives them out so that

people can grant them their wishes.

Oh, why do that?

You know, you're just giving the kids false

hopes.

20 years from now, they're gonna be bitter

because some do-gooder didn't fix the rest

of their lives.

Is that what happened to Dr. Becker?

It would explain a lot.

You know what, Reg?

I'll take one.

Me, too.

I'll have one.

Give me one.

Thanks.

John.

I was gonna take it.

Oh, my kid wants a robot.

And my little girl wants a doll.

Oh, this kid just wants a card.

Let me see that.

Oh, fine, fine.

I'll get him the damn CD player he

wants.

You know, what I ought to do is

give him something to prepare him for the

future.

You know, an apron, a hairnet, and a

spatula.

Hey.

Oh, I'm sorry, Reg.

Yeah, I forgot.

Yeah, sorry.

Doctor's office.

Hi, Daddy.

Oh, you're coming for Christmas?

That's great.

I wanna make...

What?

Oh, why do you have to bring your

slutty new girlfriend?

And doesn't she mind when you call her

that?

All right, all right.

I'll see you on Christmas.

I don't wanna alarm anybody, but there's a

naked guy standing out there wearing nothing but

a Santa hat.

Count your blessings.

He used to be standing in here.

So, you took a nice, long lunch.

Did you at least buy a gift for

your kid?

Huh?

Oh, right, right.

The poor kid.

Uh...

No, I'm gonna wait till the last minute,

you know, when all the stores have their

sales.

What's up here?

Okay.

A little girl ate a whole gingerbread house.

A lady stepped on a broken ornament, and

some guy threw out his back hauling fruitcakes.

Oh, boy.

You know, I'd hate to be a delivery

guy this time of year.

Actually, he's an ambulance driver from Bellevue.

Oh.

All right, what can I do for you,

Mr. Ellison?

Doc, I need something for, uh, gas.

Sure.

Uh...

I'm gonna have to examine you, because, uh,

gas can be a symptom of something more

serious.

Oh, it's serious, all right, but it's not

me.

See, it's my boss.

We're two halves of a reindeer.

You're the wrong half.

Why are you laughing?

It's not funny.

I need something that I can drop in

my boss's eggnog, or I'm gonna die.

No, no, you can't just slip him something

like that.

You're gonna either have to tell him or

live with it.

As I may have mentioned, I'm gonna die.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

But, hey, look on the bright side here.

A couple of hours with your nose in

your boss's butt, you might get a promotion.

Yeah, real funny, Doc, real damn funny.

You know, Reg, that was a great idea,

answering those kids' letters.

Oh, what'd you get?

I don't know.

The department store was so crowded, I just

grabbed whatever I could and got the hell

out of there.

What did I get?

A Game Boy and a strainer.

Oh.

Merry Christmas.

Thank you.

I got my kid a robot.

It walks, it talks, and it picks stuff

up.

Which is already one more thing than Louis

does.

I not only got my kid the Barbie

doll, but I got her a whole wardrobe,

the beach house, the pink Corvette, the little

plastic bimbos living better than I am.

Hey, guys.

So, John, did you buy your gift yet?

Yeah, for your information, I got it, like,

three days ago.

Oh, really?

What did you get him?

Yeah, I've been really busy, Margaret.

I can't believe you took that letter and

you're not gonna send that kid anything.

That kid's gonna wake up Christmas morning thinking

that Christmas is a giant sham.

It is a sham.

So when you think about it, I just

gave that kid the gift of truth, which

is, you know, way too big to wrap.

Oh, save it, John.

I already bought him a CD player.

It's wrapped and on your desk.

All you have to do is address it

and mail it.

Wow.

Boy, it really does feel good to give,

doesn't it?

I can't believe this.

Now my mother's coming for Christmas and she's

bringing her boyfriend.

I don't know why she's bringing him to

my house.

It's not like I have a pool to

clean.

Yeah, David just has a cold.

A few days in bed, he'll be fine.

Bye-bye.

Boy, I tell you, we need more patients

like that at Christmas.

Calm, not going crazy, just taking the holiday

in stride.

You mean kids?

No, Jews.

Hey, you know what?

If this is it, why don't you take

the rest of the day off?

A whole hour early?

With pay?

Ah.

Well, hey, you know, what the hell?

Merry Christmas, Margaret.

Merry Christmas, John.

Hey, did I hear something about people leaving

early?

Oh, yeah, go ahead.

Take off, Linda.

Oh, do me a favor, though, will you?

If you're going by a post office, mail

this for me.

Here's the address.

It's too late to mail anything.

The post office is closed.

Oh.

Well, I tried.

If you really want that little boy to

get his gift, you could drive it out

to his house.

Are you nuts?

He lives out in Queens.

That's not just time.

That's tolls.

You know, Dr. Becker, by taking that letter,

you made a promise to that child, and

you should keep it.

It's the right thing to do.

Why do I have to go out to

Queens?

This is the Bronx.

I could throw this out a window and

hit a poor kid.

Right thing to do my ass.

Excuse me.

Go away.

I need a ride into Queens.

You going over the bridge?

Does it look like I'm going anywhere?

Listen, if you had another passenger, you could

use the carpool lane.

Oh, it is cold out there.

Thanks.

My car broke down.

Oh, I've been out there freezing for an

hour.

You're the first person to even talk to

me, let alone help me.

I got to tell you, when a stranger

goes out of his way for...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, I love this one.

Bum-bum-bum, bum-bum-bum, bum-bum

-bum-bum, bum-bum-bum, bum-bum-bum.

So where is this carpool lane?

Actually, you're already in it.

I just thought I'd help you avoid a

ticket.

Bum-bum-bum, bum-bum-bum, bum-bum

-bum, bum-bum-bum.

Ma?

Ma?

G-47.

Bingo!

I'm sorry, Ma, did I wake you?

Bobby, come over here.

That wasn't nice.

Now give me a kiss.

So what the hell are you doing here?

It's Christmas, Ma, don't pretend like you don't

know.

A cigarette?

Are you crazy?

You can't smoke in here, that's an oxygen

tank.

Relax, it's not lit.

But if they ever tell me I have

five minutes to live, I don't want to

waste it looking for a cigarette.

All right, all right, fine.

So, where is it?

Where's my gift?

I didn't have time to shop this year.

What?

Relax.

I'm yanking your chain.

Here, Merry Christmas, doll.

Oh, man, it's a police car.

Oh, I know you love cars.

And it's got a remote control.

And I know you hate moving.

Ma, this is really expensive, you shouldn't have.

Ah, forget it, it fell off a truck.

Enjoy.

Thanks, Ma.

You bet.

Okay, now you have to open yours.

Fancy bag.

It's perfume.

The saleswoman at the store says it gets

rid of that old lady smell.

Bobby, come over here.

That wasn't nice.

Now give me a kiss.

Can I try it?

Well, I can't return it.

This is so cool.

Code blue!

Code blue!

Sorry about that, guys.

Oh, look at that.

It's starting to snow.

And on Christmas Eve, how's that for a

miracle?

Those are ashes from the car fire up

ahead.

Still, it's a beautiful night.

So quiet, so peaceful.

And move it, you jackass!

I guess it's hard to be patient.

We've all got someplace to be.

I mean, I'm supposed to meet up with

a couple old college buddies, but I guess

we'll all just get there when we get

there.

The important thing is to be grateful for

all the goodness in life.

Oh, you know, that's it.

You know, I'm gonna go see what the

hell's taking so long.

You mind if I listen to Christmas music

while you're gone?

Actually, that'd be the best time to listen

to Christmas music.

Hello, Bobby.

Mmm, this is delicious.

It's canned turkey, Ma, just like you used

to make.

Okay, Ma, it's officially after dinner.

Now, you know what that means.

What does that mean?

May I?

May you what?

Come on, Ma, don't pretend like you don't

know.

We have to dance.

It's our Christmas tradition.

All right, all right.

I'm coming, I'm coming.

Oh, honey.

Bobby, this is so nice.

Yeah, it is, Ma.

Yeah.

Shall we dip?

Yeah, why not?

Just a second.

You ready?

Go for it.

No, honey, this really tired me out.

I gotta rest up for my date.

Really?

You got a date?

With who?

Mr. Bellows across the hall.

We're gonna watch Midnight Mass from St. Peter's.

Directly across the hall?

Yeah.

I get the feeling he'll be getting to

St. Peter's a little early.

Fine.

He can wait for me for a change.

Bobby, thanks for coming over.

You know, Ma, I just wanna tell you,

I'm really gonna turn things around this year.

I can just feel it.

Oh, honey.

I'm proud of you just the way you

are.

Thanks, Ma.

Now, who's my best little boy?

Me.

Who's me?

Bobby.

And what is Bobby?

I'm your best little boy.

I love you, Ma.

I love you, too, babe.

Merry Christmas, Bobby.

Merry Christmas, Ma.

Well, they finally got the burning car hooked

up to the tow truck.

Now the tow truck's on fire.

That's...

that's great.

That guy takes off and leaves a classic

car just sitting here.

Where's my gift?

That son of a bitch ripped me off.

I can't believe that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right.

Oh.

Oh, come on, lady.

Put your finger away.

It's Christmas.

Oh, hey, guys.

How were your holidays?

An old black lady, an Asian girl, and

a blind guy got into a bar fight.

And, no, I'm not telling you a joke.

I'm describing Christmas morning.

Mine wasn't much better.

I spent Christmas with my cousin Audrey and

her son.

Cute kid, but he's got, like, 17 different

personalities.

Oh, that's weird.

Well, on the plus side, one of them's

a 38-year-old lawyer, and he said

he'd call.

He won't.

So, Bob, how was your Christmas at the

home?

Horrible.

Old people complaining, lousy food.

My mom thinks I'm, like, 10 years old.

She got me a remote-control car.

What, like a little race car?

No, this was, like, a really cool police

crew with lights and assignments.

It was pathetic.

You're awfully quiet, Becker.

But if that's my Christmas present, thank you.

It's what I've always wanted.

I may have...

I may have witnessed a miracle.

What are you talking about?

Well, something weird happened to me on Christmas

Eve, and I have no other explanation for

it.

I was on my way to give that

kid his gift, right, and I got stuck

in traffic, and this guy came up to

the car.

He asked me for a ride.

I said, okay.

Oh, my God.

You help someone?

That's not the story.

Hello, everyone.

Just tea, please, Rich.

Coffee for me, please.

In a minute, guys.

Go ahead, Becker.

Well, it turns out the guy I picked

up stole everything out of my car, including

that kid's gift.

But now, the weird thing is, when I

got to work this morning, I had this

thank-you note from the kid's mom.

But, you know, there's no way that gift

could have gotten there.

It didn't have an address on it.

Then how'd he get it?

I think that's the point of my story,

Jake.

And there was no return address, either.

So how did she know where to send

the thank-you card?

So, this guy you picked up, who was

he?

I-I don't know.

He was just a-a stranger, you know?

Came out of nowhere and then disappeared into

nowhere.

And he was creepy, you know?

All...happy. Do you have any idea where he

went?

No, no.

Yeah, he said he was gonna go to

Queens to see two of his friends from

college.

Three college guys, huh?

Sort of like the Three Wise Men.

Was there a star burning in the east?

No.

But there was a Buick on fire.

And in the eastbound lane.

Look, how long were you stuck out there?

Oh, I don't know.

It didn't clear it up until after midnight.

It came upon a midnight clear.

Wow, maybe you're right.

Maybe it was a miracle.

No, no, no.

There's got to be another word for it.

I mean, just hearing you say it, it

sounds so crazy.

I can't believe I said it.

No, damn it, damn it.

Something was going on out there.

I mean, who was that guy?

Maybe he was an angel.

Or...

the spirit of Christmas.

Yeah, I-I don't know.

I don't know.

You know, but what happened really was what

she said.

You know, it calls into question everything that

I've ever believed in or not believed in.

Maybe it was a sign.

Maybe I need to start being different.

You know, better.

Yeah.

Oh, hey, listen, if I forgot to say

this a couple of days ago, Merry Christmas.

Hey, Merry Christmas, buddy.

Hey, Jake, Merry Christmas, buddy.

Oh, stop it!

What?

As tempting as it is to have you

walk out of here a believer, this is

not the way it's supposed to happen.

I mail the gift.

Excuse me?

Oh, I knew you wouldn't mail it on

time, so I did it for you.

But you left it on my desk.

I left a gift for you on your

desk.

For me?

What was it?

Did you open it?

No.

Then it was a very expensive watch.

So, wait a minute.

All that really happened here was I did

a good deed for some guy on Christmas

Eve and he turned around and robbed me.

Oh, I know.

It's terrible, John.

No, no, it's wonderful.

I always thought Christmas sucked.

Now I have proof.

Hey, yeah.

Move it, Tiny Tim.

I don't have all day.

You had to tell him.

You had to

tell him.