Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

What do you think of this? Too cute?

Oh, not at all.

I-- I just, I worry that the ragtag group

of French pirates you stole it from...

are-- are gonna riddle our home with cannon fire.

Will, don't you know the old adage?

Guys who wore jellies shouldn't throw stones.

Touche!

So, uh, who are you goin' out with?

- Uh, just a guy. - Who?

Grace: Stay there! I wanna change my shirt!

[beeping]

Jack: Hi, Will. It's Jack. Listen.

Two things. Very important. I got a...

[beeping]

Jack: Hi, it's me again. I...

[beeping]

Jack: And one more thing, you're never gonna believe who gave...

[beeping]

Danny: Grace, hey, it's Danny. Uh, just confirming tonight.

If I don't hear from you, I'll pick you up at 8:00.

[beeping]

Okay, this better work 'cause it's either this

or the peach bridesmaid's dress.

So you're not gonna tell me who this guy is?

[chuckles] Will, it's really no big deal.

No, come on, come on. I'm just curious.

I mean, is it a blind date or, or a new client

or I don't know, your ex-fiance

who you wasted two years of your life with

until you finally came to your senses

and left him at the altar, or what?

Grace, why are you doing this?

Tell you what, Will. Why don't we try something new?

Why don't we experiment with letting me run my life?

What is that supposed to mean?

Oh, it's just that sometimes, lately, all the time,

you have a tendency, habit, compulsion to run my life.

Well, excuse me for caring.

It's just that I'm the one who always has to clean up the mess.

Now, I-- I'm like the little guy in the circus

who has to follow the elephant around with the bucket.

- That is a horrible analogy. - You know what I'm saying.

Nobody asked for your help, Will.

Yeah, uh, said the girl who dragged me home

for clothing advice at noon!

No, I would-- I wouldn't go with that scarf.

Oh, you're right.

- So just stay out of this! - Fine, fine. You just...

See, all you had to do was ask. Fly solo!

Grace: Thank you, that's what I prefer, to fly solo.

Good! Before you do, I would rethink those pants.

Grace: I heard that.

[theme music]

[instrumental music]

So you want to have dinner tonight?

Wait a minute. What, what's going on here?

I like you.

Since when?

Always.

I don't like where this is going.

What? I just... I-- I want your company.

Okay, Grace has a date

with Danny, if you can believe that.

Oh, my God, Danny Bonaduce of the Partridge family?

Uh, no. Good guess, though.

Wait a minute, Danny, Danny, Danny, Danny.

As in ex-Danny? Mm.

So how long did you wait before you told her it was a bad idea?

Did you bite her head off and get to the creamy center? Rrr...

There is nothing wrong with sharing an opinion.

Oh. There is when you do it, Will. It's called meddling.

- And some of us are sick of it. - What are you...

What is everybody talking about?

- I don't meddle. - Oh, no?

Let's put Will through the meddle detector, shall we?

[imitating machine beeping]

"Jack, he's already in a relationship."

"Jack, he's a member of the clergy."

"Jack, are you sure you want to date someone"

"with three strikes?"

Naughty boys need love, too. You know what I'm sayin'?

[intercom buzzing]

Ellen: Will, Karen and Rosario are here.

- Send them in. - She's here with her maid?

Jack's intrigued.

Jack's leaving. Buh-bye.

Oh, come on, let me stay. Karen and I are lovers.

Karen, come on in.

- Oh, hi, poodle. - Bye, poodle.

Here, go buy yourself some lunch.

Okay, keep me posted. I want to know if Ros...

Will, this is Rosario.

It's nice to meet you.

Okay, come on, honey. Sit-o down-o.

Try not to talk-o.

Sit, sit.

You hear how she talks to me?

I speak English, okay?

Oh, yeah, except when it's time to work.

Then it's all, "No hablo Ingles."

I work like a dog.

It's not my fault that you and Mr. Stan are pigs.

They're pigs.

I don't want to hear it, Rosario.

[indistinct yelling]

I'm nervous, Will. I can't live without Rosario.

Please, you've got to help me out.

Maybe you're better off without her.

How can you say that, honey?

Actually, I'm talking to Rosario.

[laughs]

Why do you say that about Ms. Karen?

- I love Ms. Karen. - Oh.

I thought we talked about that suit.

- Okay, listen, senorita-- - Don't you start with me.

Ho-ho-ho, hey-hey. Wow!

Tonight on "Springer," shallow socialites

and the maids who abuse them.

Look, um, we can apply for citizenship

or get a temporary work visa,

but you know, these things take time.

Uh, know, short of marrying someone,

I don't see any quick solution.

Well, how would that work?

I mean, just for argument's sake.

Well, she would get married, but I mean, her groom-to-be

would have to be a US citizen with no ties.

Someone who's available, but you know,

not looking for a romantic entanglement.

Jack: Hey, you guys, look.

I'm Will's last boyfriend. [squealing]

What?

[instrumental music]

Don't you want to hear about my date last night with Danny?

None of my business. Schmier?

- Schmaybe later. - Schmoot yourself.

Anyway, it was, it was really interesting.

What a change since the last time I saw him. He's...

He looks great, he's happier, he's more focused.

And he's here! How about that? Hi, Danny.

Morning.

Hey, dude. [chuckles]

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Hey, Danny. How you doin'?

Alright, I'm alright. How about you?

You, uh, you know, you still into guys and all that?

Yeah, I'm afraid so.

The antibiotics just didn't seem to work.

Before you say anything,

let me just tell you something about Danny, okay?

He's completely different.

People do change, Will, and Danny has changed.

In fact, he's changing right now.

[laughs]

Thank you. I'll be here all week.

No, seriously, Will, he-- he really has grown.

Okay.

Okay?

Okay.

Okay. Okay.

Why don't you just punch me in the stomach?

Wow, you just can't hold back, can you? "Okay."

Grace, I mean okay. Well, you know, whatever you think best.

Now you're just being cruel.

[chuckles] I know what you're thinking.

You're thinking that-- that I'm an idiot for going back

into a relationship that didn't work.

Well, first of all, how dare you call me an idiot?

And second of all, did it ever occur to you

that maybe we needed this time apart

to figure out how important we were to each other?

Did that ever cross your mind, huh?

Okay, fine. You raise a valid point.

Do people really change

or are they the same football-watching,

steak-knife-giving,

I-gotta-blow-outta-here frat boy they always were?

- Ah... - Oh!

[laughs]

- Ho! - Grace, I just said, "Ah."

Yeah, but clearly, by "Ah," you meant okay.

And I think we all know now what that means.

What does it mean?

- Tell me. - Grace, excuse me.

But yesterday you told me that-- that you wanted me

to mind my own business.

Why do you now want to know what I think?

Because...

I was testing you.

And luckily you passed.

[clapping]

Because if you had given me your opinion

on this very confusing issue, I really would have been mad

because I don't need it.

I can, I can make my own decisions for myself, okay?

You know what? I gotta blow outta here.

Okay. Why don't I walk you to the door?

Yeah, Will, you-- you mind if I grab a bagel? Just...

- Whatever you think is best. - Oh, you're good.

So listen, Gracie, it was, uh...

- It was great seeing you again. - Yeah.

What about maybe going away this weekend?

You know what? Never mind. Never mind.

I forgot that to have a relationship with Grace

is to have a relationship with Will and Grace.

It was always a threesome and not the good kind.

- I'll talk to you later. - Okay.

[sighs]

You know, it's funny.

I always imagined myself a December bride.

But there is something about a last-minute marriage

to an illegal alien for a $1000 that has a romance all its own.

Ms. Karen, I need a new dress. I can't breathe in this.

Honey, it fit yesterday...

before the frozen turkey mysteriously disappeared.

[indistinct yelling]

Jack, honey, take good care of my angel.

For the honeymoon, I think I'm gonna bring

Dan instead of Doug.

Rosario, who are you gonna bring?

Oh, Jack, look at you.

Is this the little girl I carried?

Okay, I've drawn up your papers.

I'm gonna need you both to review them

before your meeting with the immigration people.

Speaking of which, pop quiz:

Jack, what side of the bed does Rosario sleep on?

She sleeps in a hammock on the sun porch.

How the hell should I know?

Because if you don't know, she's going to be deported.

Rosario, where does Jack work?

He's on "The Guiding Light."

Hey, I sent them a tape of "Just Jack."

It's just a matter of time.

"Solamente Yak."

- Gracias. - Okay, Jack.

This is serious, okay?

This is not like the-- the time you pretended to be Jewish

so you could get that rabbi's phone number.

Ah. What a mistake.

A guy who can't go out on a Friday night.

Honey, here's my credit card.

Take your bride to lunch and pump her

for some intimate details, okay?

Okay, come on, wifey. [clears throat]

It's happy hour at Boybar and if anybody asks,

you're a drag queen.

As long as they have chicken wings, I'm fine.

So where's Grace? I haven't seen her all week.

Mm, I don't know. Somethin' about work.

I try not to get involved.

Honey, what, what's this?

What's happening? What's going on?

Nothing.

You're smelling her pencils.

I just wanted to make sure they're fresh.

Alright, save it for the laugh shack, honey, I'm busy.

Jack wants a monkey as the ring bearer.

See you at... No, I-- I'm sorry.

It's-- it's this whole,

it's this whole Grace and Danny thing.

I mean, does this not have gigantic mistake

written all over it? I mean, I don't want to be a--

Honey, honey, honey, honey.

I sense this is gonna go on for quite a while,

so let me just boil all this hoo-ha

down to two important points, okay?

One, brown is over.

And two, you need to get a life.

- You don't understand, I-- - Get a life.

- But I'm Grace's-- - Life!

Alright, honey, you're done. That's good.

[instrumental music]

Oh, I don't see you. I don't see you. This is so fun.

This is so stupid.

I look like a pinata.

Yeah, and if I beat you with a stick,

I could watch all my money fall out.

Now, how about a little appreciation for all of this?

All I want is my green card,

not a party I have to clean up after.

If it wasn't for this, you'd be flying back to cucaracha

on Air Guacamole

with live chickens runnin' up and down the aisle!

Listen, lady, I'm gonna snap you like a twig

and throw you in a bush.

Yeah, I'd like to see you try.

- Is this the thanks I get? - Why don't you shut up?

[indistinct yelling]

Crazy lady!

Oh, my God, my little girl is getting married.

[organ music]

Hi, so nice to see you. Thanks for coming.

Oh, you cut your hair. It looks great.

Hi, how's the baby?

Oh, somebody better lighten up on the fusilli there, huh?

I don't know a person here. How about that?

[instrumental music]

- Oh, something's ripped. - Yeah, me.

You like my new bracelet? Danny gave it to me.

It's nice.

Thank you all for coming.

I know my husband Stan would have loved

to have been here tonight,

but regrettably, could not attend

as he is at home watching the Knicks game.

However, I know that he would echo my sentiments in saying,

"Rosario, by marrying Jack, we are not losing a maid,"

"we are keeping a maid."

He gave it to me over dinner last night. He cooked.

Can you believe Danny cooks now?

Hm. He's the bomb.

Welcome, "We are gathered here today"

"to join this man, John Phillip McFarland,"

"and this woman..."

"Rosario Ynez Consuela Yolanda Salazar,"

"in the bond of holy matrimony."

"And today, Rosario and Jack take their first step"

"on the road to true intimacy."

[laughing]

Shut up, you guys!

Danny still wants to take me to the country for the weekend.

- What do you think? - Depends which country.

Chechnya, no.

I also think I'm falling back in love with him.

Oh, that is beautiful! God. Are you out of your mind?

I mean, I mean, are you, are you so intent on ruining your life?

My God! Pamela Anderson makes better choices than you.

Gotcha!

A toaster.

Gotcha a toaster.

You're registered for that, right?

[no audio]

Priest: A marriage ceremony represents...

I knew it.

I knew that you thought it was a bad idea.

That's why I broke up with Danny yesterday.

You wh...

Then why have you been baiting me for the last ten minutes?

Because I needed to make sure that you thought

Danny was still a mistake.

Of course, I thought Danny was a mistake.

Well, why couldn't you have expressed that earlier

and saved me the agony of having to make my own decision?

Believe me, Grace, I don't want you making your own decisions

any more than you do,

but you did tell me to butt out.

Oh, don't play that game with me.

You know damn well that butt out means back off temporarily

until the right moment presents itself to butt back in again.

Forgive me, I left my

Grace-to-English dictionary at home.

Next-- next time, just, you know,

just tell me when to butt in and when to butt out

and when to do the hokey-pokey and when to turn myself around!

Don't make me seem like the unhealthy crazy one

when you're the one who wouldn't tell me what to do.

Hey, hey, hey. How long have you two been married?

'Cause maybe it's been long enough.

- We're not married. - I'm gay.

Well, if you're not married and you're gay,

what the hell's all this about?

[instrumental music]

Wow.

Jack just married Karen's maid.

- Unbelievable. - I know.

I haven't seen a kiss that uncomfortable

since Richard Gere and Jodie Foster in "Sommersby."

[exhales sharply]

Why do I care so much about your opinion?

Maybe because you don't trust yourself.

Big question is why do I care so much

about how you conduct your love life.

Maybe because you've got nothing going on in your own.

Ouch.

Not untrue, but ouch.

Oh.

I want to get married, Will.

Well, maybe you didn't get the memo, but I--

Not to you, nervous.

[sighs]

I want to kiss a guy under one of these things.

Me, too.

So...

Want to see how it feels to kiss a guy under one of these things?

[laughs]

I don't think we should live together anymore.

The kiss wasn't that bad, Will.

I don't think we should live together anymore, either.

It's just when you moved in,

it was so we could heal and then move on.

I know. And I don't feel like I've moved on.

Have you?

I'm standing here making out with a girl.

That's the international symbol for not moving on.

Jack, get your ass back out there

and finish your chimichanga! You're the host!

I don't want to!

Rosario's been doing tequila shooters

and she's gettin' real handsy.

Jack: Ah, marriage sucks.

You guys are the only ones who have it figured out.

Come on, Yak, we're going back out there.

You've still gotta do the napkin dance with Rosario's mother.

Hey, I've gotta lock up. You think you two can move on?

- Yeah. I think so. - Yeah. I think we can.