Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

Book! Four words! Whole idea!

- "A Farewell To Arms." - Yes.

Uh, a movie. Uh, three words.

Whole thing.

- "The Crying Game!" - Yes! We dominate!

- Woo! Woo! Ha! - Woo! Woo! Ha!

- Okay, your turn. - Ha!

You know, you guys are up by a lot.

Yeah, maybe we should just, you know--

No. Don't even! Play.

That's Grace-speak for "Good luck."

Okay, and...

- Time. Go! - Okay, uh-- uh-- um-- eh...

- It's a movie. - Yeah, uh...

- Um, it's one word. - Okay, um...

- First word. - Okay, uh...

[growls] Oh, I know.

I know this one.

Oh, yeah. I don't know. [incoherent screaming]

- Um, "Looney Tunes." - Uh...

Uh... [growling]

"Maniac?"

Um. Uh. "Seizure."

Oh, come on!

Um... [incoherent screaming]

I'm not having fun.

Yeah, um, I-- I give up.

- You give up? - Yeah.

That was so easy.

It's "Psycho." You know, you should have done...

This is what you should have done.

Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee!

Eee! Eee! Eee!

Will, you would have gotten that, right?

- Says "Psycho" to me. - See?

Why'd you give up so fast?

Because, because we have a really big day

and, um, we have to go.

Honey, we're right in the middle of a game--

Big day, Rob!

Oh, right. Oh, right. Tomorrow's the big day.

I-- I-- I wish it were a small day, but it's-- it's not.

It's just big. [chuckles]

That would make it Big Wednesday.

[laughing]

- I wanna go. - Okay.

Okay, well, bye.

It was, uh... Hey, it was really fun.

- Yeah, good seeing you. - Yeah, really good seeing you.

Really, really good seeing you.

Okay, Grace. You win.

So what's with Rob and Ellen?

I think they felt bad about losing.

Well, I wish they wouldn't take it so seriously.

Yeah, it's just a friendly game.

Yeah.

- We kicked their asses, huh? - Like the dogs they are.

Oh, yeah.

[theme music]

Uh, so, uh, what kind of work do you do here?

Hmm, honey.

Silk collar. Blue collar.

They don't even mix in the washing machine.

Uh, lady, I'm only trying to make polite conversation.

- Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-bah-- - You don't have to, you know...

Fix the heat.

Our relationship is already too involved.

Next thing I know, I'm gonna be gettin' Christmas postcards

from you and your red-eyed brood.

Hi, Kare.

Oh, well, look at that. Butt Crack Theatre.

Let's just hope it's a one act.

Kare, I need to borrow $300.

I wanna be the first one in my prayer circle

to have the new Birkenstock slip-ons.

Yeah, well, keep prayin', Mary,

'cause you're not gettin' it from me.

Qu'est-ce-que c'est? Jack denied?

What's going on with you?

Did someone throw another bucket of blood on one of your furs?

I'm gonna...

No, honey, I...

I had a near-death experience last night.

Wow! Did you see God?

Is she mad at me?

Come on, Jack! This is serious!

I was at the Palm last night with Stan

and he started choking on his rack of lamb.

Well, my first instinct was to watch it play out, but...

he was really attracting attentions.

- Oh, my God. Is he okay? - Oh, yeah, he's fine.

Javier, the busboy gave him the Heimlich.

Gosh, I should probably get him something as a thank you.

Maybe the rest of his family from Cuba.

My God, Karen, that's awful.

I mean, to watch your husband almost choke to death

right in front of your very eyes.

Sidebar? That outfit is Fabiola.

Isn't it? I got it in three colours.

Oh, honey, it was a wake-up call.

I don't know what I would do without Stan.

I mean, what is the combination to the wall safe?

Where is the key to the safety deposit box?

What if he did something stupid and left all of our money

to some school or something?

I mean, look at me. I'm still shaking.

My Cousin Rosie once choked on a piece of sausage bread.

Oh, that's lovely.

You should remember that and tell it at dinner parties.

Oh, I'm so on edge.

Well, Karen, if you had invited me to dinner

which you didn't, thank you very much, busy anyway.

I could have saved Stan's life. I know CPR.

- You know CPR? - Oh, yeah.

I had to do it on my father when I told him I was gay.

Only I think it just confused him even more.

[instrumental music]

Will: What brings you guys here?

Well, we were, uh, having lunch

around the corner and we thought we'd stop by.

Yeah, um, little bit of bad news. Uh...

We're not gonna be able to make it to dinner tonight.

Oh, you're kidding. How come?

Well, it's just, I have a...

- We have to... - Say it.

When we play with you guys, I don't have fun.

She doesn't have fun, Will.

Why not? I mean, they're just friendly little games.

No-no, bare-knuckle boxing is a friendly little game.

Charades is a vicious blood sport for Grace.

Yeah, I mean, we love hangin' out with you guys,

but when it comes to games, you know, she's too intense.

When we played Pictionary last week,

she laughed so hard at my drawings,

I cried on the way home.

She cried on the way home, Will.

Well, that's just Grace showing enthusiasm.

I mean, everybody gets that way

when they're winning, don't they?

- We wouldn't know, Will. - Mm-mm.

I'll talk to her, okay?

Come to dinner and worse comes to worst

we don't have to play a game, you know, we can

we can watch TV or something.

We got Charlton Heston's on Leno tonight.

We can watch Moses extol the virtues

of semi-automatic weapons.

[instrumental music]

So, uh, did you talk to Will today?

Ah, he left a couple of messages for me.

But I-- I couldn't return his call 'cause guess where I was.

Where?

I was at...

Actually...

let me tell you this way.

- Three words. - Three words.

- First word. - First word.

- Small word. - Small word.

- If, in... - Uh, a...

- Ick, ill, is... - Is...

- Rob: Him... - Ellen: Is...

- Rob: He, uh... - Uh, heh! Uh, okay.

Alright, let me give you a little hint.

Um, it's...

the single most common word...

in the...

English language.

And I just used it twice.

- Is? - I?

The!

The first word is "The."

Okay. [chuckles]

Second word.

Grace, I beg you, please just tell us.

Yeah, use your words, Grace.

Okay.

- I went to the toy store. - Oh.

And I got the new Deluxe Scrabble!

We could play like-- like a marathon game.

What do you think of that?

I think you should return your damn phone calls.

Take it easy.

I'm sorry.

Hey, what's goin' on?

Will, Grace is making dinner and she just bought Deluxe Scrabble.

She bought a game, Will.

- I see. - Mmm.

Uh, well, I'm-- I'm just gonna fix myself a

a deluxe drink, and then, we'll have a long

leisurely dinner and see if we even get to Scrabble.

- Oh, we'll get to it. - Huh?

Today I found a couple of words that are worth a ton

and they're each only four letters.

I-- I'm guessin' Rob and Ellen are, are thinkin' of a couple

of choice four letter words of their own right now.

It doesn't matter. We're gonna gut 'em like fish.

Grace, I don't think we should play a game.

Why not?

You get a little too competitive.

- No, I don't. - Yes, you do.

- No, I don't. - Yes, you do.

Okay, see, I'm stopping.

You see?

When you play games, you just,

you can't control yourself

and it's, it's upsetting our friends.

Oh...

is that true?

Oh, Grace, you are such a dear friend.

But...

Rob?

We don't really like playing games with you.

It's nothing personal. but you taunt.

- And you gloat. - And you're aggressive.

God, you're just so competitive.

You like to compete, Grace.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. Wait, wait.

W-- why is this all on me?

What, uh, what about Will?

What do you mean, "What about Will?"

You're just as competitive as I am.

- No, I'm not. No, I'm not. - Yes, you are.

- Yes, you are. - Okay, wai-- wait!

Now, I like to win just as much as the next guy

but at least I know how to control myself.

Oh, oh, and I don't? Is that it?

[laughing]

I see.

Well, if no one wants to play with me

then I'm just gonna go to my room and play with myself.

By myself, I meant by myself.

[instrumental music]

Katie, Katie, are you okay?

No, no, no, Kare. Her name is Annie.

Resusci Annie.

Or in a perfect world, Resusci Andy.

Honey, I can't remember my kids' names, okay?

What's goin' on? What do I do? How do I bring it to life?

Oh, wait, that sounds like me on my wedding night.

[laughing]

Okay, Karen. Focus, alright?

Here is a little acronym that'll help you.

C-T-A-P-T-N-T-T-H

A-B-M-T-M.

Here's a little acronym for you, honey.

What the hell are you talkin' about?

C-T-A. Check the airway.

P-T-N, good. Pinch the nose.

T-T-H. Tilt the head.

And A-B-M-T-M. And begin mouth-to-mouth.

♪ C T A T P N T-- ♪

Hey, hey, hey, hey, honey, honey.

I'm not putting my mouth on this thing.

Who knows what those paramedics use these dolls for

while they're sittin' around waitin' for a fire?

Besides, these lips don't touch

anything in a track suit.

Karen, even fashion victims

can be choking victims.

Are you sure?

Maybe it's nature's way

of thinning out the herd.

Don't say that, every human life has value.

[laughing]

Come on, just do it. Do it, come on.

Oh, alright, alright.

[instrumental music]

Oh, yeah!

Will Truman is Lord Of The Lanes.

Okay, Ellen, your turn.

- Come on, honey. - Don't psyche me out, Rob.

Sorry.

- Yay! Yay for me! - Oh! Oh!

- Yay, you! - Oh, way to go, Miss Ellen.

Woo! [chuckles]

- Ooh, that was great. - Yeah.

- Gracie, you're up. - Yeah, go, Grace.

And remember...

only Grace can put the grace in gracious.

Or something like that, go on.

- Come on, Grace. - Go, Grace.

Do that thing.

And...

there she goes.

There she goes. There... she went.

What-- what-- what, what was that?

I knocked two pins down.

Yeah, I know, and you-- and you left eight standing, but...

This isn't golf, you know, we want high numbers,

is what we want.

- High. - I know.

But look at me, Will, I'm fine.

I suck, but I'm fine with it.

This must be what it feels like to be my middle sister.

That's good, now that you got that out of your system,

but, uh, seeing as you're actually the baby daughter

looking for daddy's approval, how about pickin' up the spare?

- Okay. - Pick up the spare.

How about that?

Three.

So this is like Bowler's Anonymous.

"One pin at a time?"

Hey, Grace,

you're doing great, baby.

Lovin' the new you.

- They're loving the new me. - Lovin' the new you.

We can actually win this.

[instrumental music]

Okay, lady.

I'm almost done here.

Oh, enough with the "Lady," alright?

I'm not an Irish Setter.

[glass breaks]

[man screams]

Oh, honey, no.

Why are you grabbing your heart like that?

Uh, come on. No, no, no!

I'm sure it's just a stress thing.

Yeah, it'll go away. Just walk it off.

There you go. See?

Yeah, you're gettin' better now.

[man groans]

Uh-oh.

Oh, Lord. Uh...

Uh, help me! Help me!

I've got a beached Italian in my office!

Criminy.

[sigh] Okay.

Mmm... [clearing throat]

[chuckles]

Bernie, Bernie, are you okay?

Thank God there are no security cameras in here to catch this.

Damn it!

[instrumental music]

You should be proud of yourself, ma'am, you saved a life.

Oh, well, as I always say,

"Every human life has value."

[chuckles]

Oh.

But it was nothing, really.

Just giving the breath of life.

And these puppies are full o' life.

[laughing]

Well, you, uh, did a good job, ma'am.

Mmm. Oh, well, thank you. That's sweet.

- Well, I'll see you. - Oh, uh, but-- but, uh...

I'm not really sure I was doing it correctly.

I don't suppose that maybe you'd walk me through it.

I want it to be perfect.

Oh, certainly. That's my job.

Oh, well, great.

Let me just, uh, be your dummy.

Karen, congratulations!

Oucha magoucha. How you doin'?

Honey, do you think you could give Dr. Goodbody and I

a few more minutes? [chuckles]

You know, I'd love to, but Stan, your husband,

you remember Stan, your husband? Yeah, he's down in the car.

With the kids and the nanny and the goiter.

His mother's here? Oh, damn it.

I gotta go before Stan invites her to stay for the weekend.

Take care.

Hi, I'm Jack.

I'm her CPR instructor,

but I'm not quite sure I'm getting it.

I'll be your doll. Resusci Jack.

[instrumental music]

Strike! I got a strike!

- We dominate! We dominate! - Woo!

Four words! Sounds like!

- We're kickin' your ass! - Boom! Oh, oh!

- Oh, oh, ooh! - Ooh, ooh, ooh!

You okay? God. I'm sorry.

- I'm fine, I'm fine. - You okay? Okay, cool.

- Yeah, cool, cool. Woo! - Woo!

Alright. Okay.

Ellen, you are doing great.

She's bowling so great.

- Wasn't that great, Will? - Okay, you're up, Grace.

Okay.

And now's your chance to tie us.

If you knock down 27 pins. [chuckles]

And there's only ten down there.

Yeah, honey, that was the joke.

Okay, now, Grace.

Losing gracefully is-- is good.

Winning gracefully, much better.

Lighten up, honey. It's just a game.

- Yeah, I know it's just a game. - Okay?

Yeah, the-- the neon wackiness tells me that.

[chuckles] Okay.

What are you doing?

I wanted to see if the ball would make it all the way down

if I just dropped it.

Okay, I'm gonna call it. Time of death, 7:48.

That's a good one, Grace. Good.

Hmm. Thought it would make it.

Okay, uh, ice cream? Ice cream?

- Oh, yeah. - Yeah. Great. Bring it on.

- Okay. - Excuse me.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey... - Yeah, hmm?

What are you doing?

- I'm getting ice cream. - Yeah, yeah.

Good humour, lady, what's going on?

I'm having fun?

You don't have to lose to have fun, Grace.

You're not France.

Honey, I-- I don't need to win.

We're losing to Rob and Ellen. [chuckles]

Rob and Ellen!

We've never lost to them at anything!

Well, maybe it's their turn to win.

It's-- it's never their turn.

They-- they don't win, they lose.

That's why we love them.

It's the whole basis of our friendship.

Yeah, we-- we get together

and we have pleasant little evenings with games

and then we gut them like a fish!

Ah-ha!

- Nailed! - What?

- Nailed! - Not nailed.

- Totally nailed. - What?

You, you can't control

your competitive nature any more than I can.

- Oh, that is... - Yes, you...

You just like to play the cool Will Truman

while I'm all the intense crazy one.

But once the bowling shoe is on the other foot

look who's the good cop, and look who's the bad cop.

That is the worst mixed metaphor you have ever uttered.

You know I'm right. You're just as competitive as I am.

And you can't control it any more than I can.

- Not true. - True.

- Not true. Not true. - True. True.

Okay. fine! I admit it.

We're the same woman, okay?

I'm gonna need a little more. [sighs]

You're right.

I'm just as competitive as you are.

I love it when you're obnoxious.

It unnerves our foes

a-- a-- a-- and it satisfies my lust for victory.

- Okay, you happy? - Yeah, thank you.

Good. Could we get out there and try to win this thing?

- Uh-heh, absolutely. - Okay.

Oh, oh, and by the way,

once you let genie out of the bottle,

there's no way she's goin' back to that little circle couch.

- So you're sure? - Come on, let's go.

Loser's are buyin' drinks and I got a winner's thirst.

She's got a winner's thirst, Will.

Oh, I'm sure.

Make 'em cry.

Gladly.

This good sportsmanship crap has been making me sick.