Original subtitles

[theme music]

Okay. What do you think of this?

What do you think of this outfit?

- It's fine. - Fine means crap.

- It's good. - Good means fine.

Well, if good means fine and fine means crap,

doesn't that mean that good means crap?

The most important interview of my career

and you're doing little word puzzlies?

[sighs] I'm changing.

You don't freak out about your outfits.

Do you, little leprechaun?

Headline. I'm in love.

I must have missed that headline.

Then again, I don't read the farm report.

His name is Ramon. Thank you for asking.

He's from the Dominican Republic.

That's on the island of Hispaniola.

I'm lovin' and learnin' at the same time.

I'm listening and not caring at the same time.

Poor, poor jealous you.

Stuck inside the nunnery while all the other girls

run around in their miniskirts and take the pill.

How do you solve a problem like Will Truman?

Oh, look, it's Mother Inferior.

[chuckles]

Okay. I need shoe help.

This one says I'm confident and capable.

This one says

I spend way too much money on shoes and I'm worth it.

- Mm. - What do you think?

- Let me see the other one. - Now the other.

- The other. - No, the other.

Now wave the arms.

♪ Sunshine and rain and sunshine and rain ♪♪

Okay, I'm not auditioning for the road company

of "Babes In Boyland."

This is my chance to design Nathan Barry's house.

The publicist? That man ruined my career!

Wait, wait, wait. You had a career and you didn't tell me?

Ooh. I sent him a flyer to "Just Jack."

But did he come to "Just Jack" where he would have been comped

and given a drink coupon? Psst. No.

Three people saw "Just Jack." Two of them were just us!

Sweetie. Come on.

You gotta calm down.

You look great. You are great. You can get this.

All you have to do is figure out the one thing

that you can bring to the table that nobody else can

and then you just do whatever you have to do

to close the deal. Okay?

Mwah. You go out there and you knock 'em dead.

Ah. Our little girl's goin' out to face the world.

Mm. With two different colored shoes on.

Will: Grace!

[theme music]

[instrumental music]

Next.

Oh, God. I want this job.

I can get it. I can get it.

Oh, look, Donna Karan's got a new fragrance.

[sniffs] Oops.

Missed again, Donna.

D-K-P-U.

[sobbing]

Wow.

She must have opened with, "What About Wicker?"

She wasn't even in there long enough to show her book.

Oh, come on. She didn't have to show him her book.

She was wearin' a Joan Rivers bee pin.

Hm. Grace, stop fidgeting. Everything's gonna be fine.

Just remember to let me do the talking.

[laughing]

No.

I'm the designer.

You are the odd woman I pay to insult my clothes.

I'll be doing the talking.

[sighs] Suit yourself.

Speaking of which...

[door opens]

No. No. We want that meeting. Right, well, you make it happen.

- Antonia Hutt? - No, Grace Adler--

- Antonia Hutt? - No.

Alex, why didn't I get Antonia Hutt? I love her work.

Marrakesh?

Well, then I hope she gets bit by a scorpion.

So do I. It'll mean one less designer to compete with.

[laughs]

[snorts]

Book, please.

Um. This is a pied-a-terre I did last spring.

Uh, that's a house in mid-Long Island.

Uh, that was actually published in...

Okay, you're a skimmer.

[sighs] I should have known.

You have a skimmer's build.

[laughs]

I don't really do humor.

And I really don't like it in others.

Oh, I'm not funny. Ask anyone.

I'll vouch for that.

Do I know you?

Did we meet at Sharon and Todd's for Michael's party?

No, I couldn't make it to Sharon and Todd's,

but I was at Kate and Adam's for Robert's opening.

I just saw Robert last week at Barbara and Fred's.

Oh. I don't even talk to Barbara and Fred anymore.

Huh. Not since the Eve-and-Dennis debacle.

I live for Eve and Dennis. I saw them last night.

We were with Sally and Eric,

Nicki, Donald, uh, Suzette and Peter.

We went to Elaine's.

Oh, I went to Elaine's once,

with Frieda and Sam.

The Jacobsons.

Friends of my parents.

[sighs] Alright, listen, honey.

We can't stand around and chitchat all day long.

Does she have the job or not?

- I like you. - Hm.

If you ever find yourself not working for her--

Oh, Nate, I find myself not working for her all the time.

So come on, Nate, what's the skinny?

- I need to see your home. - My home?

Don't do that. Don't buy time by repeating what I say.

I need to see where you live.

Why would I hire a designer who lives in a dump?

[laughs]

I'm not buying time by repeating what you say.

I know you have to see where I live.

Why would you hire a designer who lives in a dump?

Here's the address, honey. Come by her dump tonight.

Uh, yeah. Why don't you come by around--

- I'll be there at 8:00. - Great, 8:00. Don't be late.

Don't do that. Don't rhyme.

- Karen? - Hm?

You know how you show up late,

don't do any work around the office

and don't know how to use the fax or the computer

and spend your day criticizing what I wear?

- Yeah. - Keep doin' that.

[blows a raspberry]

[instrumental music]

Damn it! Stand!

Oh, my God. I can't get the lily to stand up straight.

Really? Even after you yelled at it?

What a disobedient lily. Maybe you should spank it.

Maybe you should spank it.

Hey, nervous.

No one is gonna notice one wayward lily. Relax.

He's gonna love the place.

- Where are you going? - To the bathroom.

Don't touch anything.

[chuckles] You know what I mean.

It's-- it's arranged perfectly in there.

I-- I can't make any promises, Grace.

I may have to lift the toilet seat,

but I'll-- I'll make mental note of where it was

and put it back exactly as I found it.

[knocking on door]

Nathan, hello.

- Um, may I take your coat? - No.

Okay. I get it. It's a look.

- Uh, may I offer you a drink? - Oh, God, no.

We're not having drinks. I'm having drinks with friends.

[chuckles]

Well, I've seen what I need to see.

Goodnight, Grace Adler. I'll let you know on Monday.

Oh, you must be Nathan. Will Truman.

Welcome to our home.

Well, I suppose I could stay for a bit.

I really wanted to get my parents

a very special gift for their anniversary,

but I think cash is so much more personal.

- Don't you? - Hm.

You do.

Where's your washroom?

Oh, it's, uh, it's just behind you.

Thanks.

[sighs]

- It's going well, right? - Yeah, it's going fine.

I-- I hope you get the job, but this guy is a creep.

My God, he-- he puts-- puts the noxious in obnoxious.

Actually, he puts the ob in it, too.

Well, I have to go now.

Goodnight, Will.

- It was nice meeting you. - Nathan.

[chuckles]

Grace Adler, walk me to the elevator, please.

That's not really an indication

of what I'd do for you, of course.

- It's specific to Will and I-- - Is he involved right now?

Will? Oh.

Um, no, not at the moment.

I think maybe I'll let you work for me, Grace Adler.

How can I get rid of the maybe?

Did you get a sense that Will was interested in me?

Because I did.

[sighs]

I'm not gonna lie to you. Yes.

I'm very attracted to your roommate.

I want him to call me and I want you to make that happen.

- Will that be a problem? - Do I have the job?

- Is he gonna call me? - Do I have the job?

Is he gonna call me?

- Do I have the job? - Is he gonna call me?

- Yes. - Then, yes.

Okay.

[sighs]

- So? - I got it.

- Tell me. - I'll tell you later.

Oh, come on! What did he say? What did you say?

Did-- did you bring something to the table

that nobody else could?

- Uh-huh. - Yeah. See?

What was it?

You.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Jack: Come on. Come to lunch.

Karen's in the car waitin'.

She's payin'.

You know, Jack, one of the perks of working

and you'll learn this some day,

is that you don't have to do this

when somebody buys you lunch.

Aw, somebody's not happy

because somebody has to date a pig.

That's not funny.

That's not. Wait. Let me think about it just for a minute.

Yeah, it's pretty funny, actually.

Yes. I'm having one date with Nathan Barry.

Well, mu-- must you find humor in my pain?

You know what's going to happen.

[kissing] What's that? Ree-ree.

[mumbles]

You and I have very different ideas

about what a first date entails.

But they all involve the goodnight kiss.

Yeah, well, I can assure you this one will not.

Hey, come on, boys. What's the hold up?

I only get four hours for lunch.

Karen, wait a minute. Come on in.

Will, you want to know how to get through this date?

- I'll show you. - Oh, honey.

You still doing the law thing?

Will: Hm.

Honey, you still doing the I-married-for-love thing?

No.

Okay, focus. Alright.

The key to dating the undesirable is visual-i-zation.

Alright, now, it's the end of the evening

and Karen, who is totally smitten with me at this point,

thank you very much, awaits a goodnight smooch.

Oh, Lord. Jack, I just reapplied.

And as she leans in...

Leaning. Thank you.

I don't see Karen,

I see "Dawson's Creek" heartthrob, James Van Der Beek.

Now, this is an image that works for me.

Okay?

Utilizing my powers of concentration,

I am now able to kiss James. I mean Karen.

[chuckles]

No. I mean James. [laughs]

See? Any disgust I may feel is now eased by visual-i-zation.

You know, I think I may join you for lunch

'cause here comes breakfast.

I know what you mean.

Politically, I'm tolerant of the heterosexual lifestyle,

but the actual act is rather revolting.

[door shuts]

[instrumental music]

So Dominick was just up the beach from me

and Jerry and her brood were next door,

so I spent most of my vacation time hiding.

I don't know who Dominick and Jerry are.

Don't do that. I'm not playing that.

You know which Dom and Jerry I'm talking about.

Oh, right. Right, right. Dom and Jerry.

I always forget which one's the cat and which one's the mouse.

[chuckles]

- They're both cats. - Ah.

Excuse me, this chicken is in strips.

I asked that you cube it.

You think you could get it right? I'm here enough.

How tough is it to cube a chicken?

Well, let's see. Chicken times chicken times chicken...

No, no, no, no. Silly doesn't really work for me.

Well, good thing I left my whoopie cushion

in my other pants.

No. No. Give it some air. It'll open right up for you.

Nathan: Air.

So, uh, what are you working on now?

You know what I'm working on. Don't do that.

I'm not doing that with you.

Okay, let's try potent potables for 200.

You've seen the photography exhibit at MOMA?

Oh. Come on. Let's not go there.

Stay in the moment. You can still win me over.

Smaller cubes.

So you're, uh, some kind of a lawyer?

Oh, come on. Don't do that.

Don't go there. I'm not doing that with you.

I'm sorry. I'm not following you.

I was just playing with you. [chuckles]

How boring. Do you enjoy playing games?

Yeah. I'm a big game player.

One of my favorites is the being-nice-to-waiters game.

Yeah. I-- if you win, you get to not go to hell.

You are so like Tom.

Tom who? Who is Tom?

And why don't these people give you their last names?

- Wow. You are arrogant. - Be careful, Will Truman.

You wouldn't want to offend me

and force me to rethink Grace Adler.

Are you kidding me with this stuff?

Nobody actually says something like that

unless they're-- they're twirling a moustache

and tying Lillian Gish to the train tracks.

- Check, please. - I'll take the check.

No. Give it to me.

I've much more money than he does.

Yeah, but I'll tip you.

And we have a winner.

[instrumental music]

- Hi. - Hi.

[door shuts]

- He called. - Ugh. Grace, I'm sorry.

I cou-- I couldn't control myself. He's just...

Outside of a circus contortionist,

he's the only man I've ever met

that can actually blow smoke up his own ass.

Well, he's pretty bad.

So he fired you?

Actually, he doubled my budget.

He doub... That's fantastic! That's...

Why are you eating a Ding Dong?

I did something bad.

- Tell me. - You don't want to know.

Honey, after a date with Nathan Barry

nothing could be that bad.

Even a second date with Nathan Barry?

Oh, what?

'Cause I told him you'd go out with him again.

Grace? What...

- Will, he loved you! - Ugh.

Grace: He said it turned him on the way you were totally direct

with him and, and put him in his place.

Yeah, well, let me be totally direct with you.

I would rather go out with an Ebola-riddled gibbon monkey

than this guy.

Hell, I'd rather go out with Pat Buchanan than this guy.

Will, please. Please!

Remember how you told me to do whatever it takes

to get this job? I'm still doing that.

I can't believe you're using me like this.

Just-- just one more date.

By then the only thing he'll want to fluff

is the curtains.

Wow.

Oh, come on, Will,

I've done things for you that are just as bad as this

without even batting an eye!

Name one!

I won't belittle this with examples.

Will, Will, Will, please.

Please. I'm begging.

One more date.

Please, unless he wants a third.

Oh. For God's sake, Grace.

Why don't you just dress me up

in fishnet stockings and thigh-high boots?

- You'd do that? - Uh...

[instrumental music]

This isn't right.

I should be designing this place.

Hey, fellas,

either sweat less or crack a window, huh?

I can't believe Will blew this for me.

It's so ridiculous! I wasn't prostituting him.

All I asked was that he make himself romantically available

to someone he doesn't particularly like

so I could make a little money.

He wouldn't even do that!

Hey, what's going on? Did we get fired?

Where have you been?

I've been talking about this all day.

Oh. Spring edition, 600 pages.

You've been nothing but a series of hoots and clicks to me

since breakfast.

[sighs] Well, we haven't

officially been fired yet,

but Will refuses to go out with Nathan again, so...

- So he fired you? - Well, not yet, but--

Wa-- wa-- wait, wait, honey, honey. Wait a minute here.

Listen.

You know how you get a year's supply of Omaha Steaks

every time you buy a Bentley?

Um, no,

but I'm very interested

where this synaptic misfire's gonna land.

Grace, you are the luxury automobile.

Will's just a piece of meat.

Are you really so insecure about your work

that you don't realize

that Will is just a free gift with purchase?

But Nathan would have never given me the job--

Oh, ba, ba, ba, ba...

[gibberish]

Honey, I'm usually not this sensitive. Ride the wave.

Did it ever occur to you that maybe Nathan Barry

might let you keep your job because you're a good designer?

- You know, you're right. - Yeah.

I mean, people hire me all the time and they love my work.

I mean, why would Nathan blow all this money

if he didn't really think that I knew what I was doing?

I am a Bentley!

- Okay. I'll go out with him. - Oh, thank God.

He would have fired my ass as sure as I'm standing here.

I called him. He's on his way over. Th...

There's a few things I want to say to him first.

Talk to him, don't talk to him.

I respect anything that you think you need to do.

I can't get you out of my head.

I want to live here.

- I wanna have cats with you. - Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.

- Hold it. - No, no, let me finish.

White Siamese. I've already got them named.

Grizabella and Skimbleshanks.

The railway cat.

Okay. Problem.

Warm and fuzzy doesn't work for me. You can go now.

Grace Adler, we need to discuss wallpaper!

Oh, yeah! That was good! That was go...

Okay, you don't care, but Grace is gonna love that.