Original subtitles

Grace: Nope.

Nope.

No.

No.

No.

Oh. whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa.

"Intimate Portrait of Molly Ringwald."

And we're stopping because?

Just to absorb the shock.

It's official.

They've run out of intimate people.

Yeah.

Ugh! Look at this.

[screams]

Jack, warn people before you do that.

Oh, God. That reminds me, Will.

- We're out of ricotta cheese. - Mmm.

I haven't worked out in two days.

I'm fat.

Je suis fatty gay.

I got busted at the gym.

For what? Feeling something other than "the burn?"

Block.

Thanks, Grace.

No, they finally got hip to the fact

that I have an illegal membership card.

It's about time.

You've been "Juan Mendez" for like three years now.

Poor Juan.

Sitting around wondering what happened to his wallet.

His thighs dimpling.

This isn't funny!

I have to work out.

I come from a very fat family.

We store more fat than otters.

Why don't you join our gym?

Oh, no, no, he, he couldn't afford our gym.

Oh. no-no-no. It's easy, uh, Will has an extra buddy pass.

It's good for a month.

That is actually not my buddy pass.

That's my things-to-do list.

Oh. Look at number one here. Pinch Grace.

Ow.

Put the kettle on, Mary. We're goin' to the gym! Ow!

Let's work out during the day, buddy.

Unemployed guys are so much hotter.

Will: Eh. Jack?

It's not really that kind of a gym.

You know, I've got a lot of clients that work out there.

You know, I've been known to do business there.

And you won't find anybody dancing on a box.

You're just afraid I'm gonna cut into your gym action.

[gasps] Listen to me. I'm talking like a crazy person. Oh.

[theme music]

Okay. You should have warned me

they let naked old men walk around in here.

Would you keep it down?

Ooh. Look. there's a guy over there who can bench 300 pounds.

And I'd like to be a 160 of 'em.

Hello. Press this.

No.

Listen... Swish burger. This is not like your old gym.

Look around. Nary a nipple ring in sight.

No men in Flash dance collars.

And behold. Women!

There were women at my old gym.

Not on their birth certificate.

Fine. Fine. Let's just do some crunches then.

Fine.

What's that?

What? I'm wiping off my mat.

Well... Do you have to do the little flourish?

It's like we're doing the Mikado here.

Just-- gimme-- Wipe the mat.

Wow.

Somebody's sports bra's a little snug.

I'm just saying is it so hard--

Will?

Richard, that's weird.

I was just thinking about you.

What were you thinking?

I'm thinking we should get together and--

Hello, there. I'm...

Here's the thing.

There's just a few sticking points on the Fellner merger.

I'm not at all happy with the contracts.

Well, fine. We'll get together sometime next week.

- Good. - Thanks, counselor.

A little rusty. But I'm impressed.

You've still got the moves, Truman.

What are you talking about, crazy?

You know, swoopin' in with the old "jock block."

The what?

The jock block, Will, or as they say, south of the border.

"El jocko blocko."

You're gonna have to help me here.

I don't speak pidgin homo.

The jock block, Will. Hello.

You saw me goin' for that guy and you cut me off at the pass.

Oh, busted.

That's exactly what I was doing, Jack.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Shielding a desirable carcass from a much hotter vulture.

This is what happens when you watch

"Wild Kingdom" and gay porn with picture-in-picture.

No. I will not lower my voice. You're my husband!

Who the hell else am I gonna yell at?

Yeah. I know what I saw, Stan.

You were looking at her. Oh, or maybe you were looking at,

I don't know, a lamp.

Then her ass just got in the way!

Um, Karen, maybe I-- I should--

- Sit! - I'm sitting.

What? No. No-no-no. No more from you, Stan. You're done.

I said that'll do, you unibrowed freak!

God, I am so sick of Stan.

Karen, maybe you should talk to your shrink about this.

My shrink? Honey, I only go to him for refills.

Maybe-- maybe you just need a night away from Stan.

Well, the nights are definitely worse.

His new thing is garlic pills. Oh!

No, Karen, what...

What I meant was call one of your girlfriends, you know.

Go out and have fun.

You're right.

Maybe I should call someone and do something.

Did... you want to... do something with--

Oh, no-no-no, honey. No.

Oh, right. Of course.

No.

Oh...

But... if I did...

what would that be?

Um...

You could come over this weekend.

We could hang out, watch movies...

talk.

Talk?

And how... would that go?

Well. Nell...

You might say something

and I might respond.

And if it were interesting enough

you might be moved to...

Say...

something...

back?

Yes! Yes!

You've done this before.

Well, once at Betty Ford. But it just got boring.

Okay, her.

Could I ever have a body like hers?

She appears to be of Nordic descent.

They tend towards the lithe and bosomy.

So as to help their buoyancy

whilst navigating down the fjords.

So, no?

Grace.

You don't want that kind of a body.

You're a heartier peasant stock.

Yours is a body built for...

What. Line backing?

No. No, you know.

Picking and carrying baskets of onions to market...

on your head.

- What are you doing to me? - Oh, relax.

If this were 1805, you'd be the hottest babe in the shtetl.

Okay. This is how that should have gone.

I ask you if I could ever have that body

and you say, "Honey,

why would you wanna go down a notch?"

Maybe I'm just working through some of my anger towards you.

What did I do?

You inflicted Jack on my gym life.

You're mad at that?

You know my, my new client, Richard Keller?

He's in here the other day and, of course, Jack has to meet him.

And then he accuses me of trying to prevent him

from picking the man up.

You jock blocked him?

No. I didn't...

How do you know the jock block?

[with Norwegian accent] Oh, jeez.

I overheard it at the salon.

"Those gay fellas are a real hoot."

What do you mean how do I know? I know.

I didn't block anyone's jock.

Richard is straight and he is a new client.

And Jack was just being Jack.

You're overreacting.

Who cares if Jack's at the gym?

Well, sometimes he's just...

I don't know sometimes he is just such a...

fag.

Wow.

Hey, Willie boy, how you doin', man?

How's it hangin'?

Hangin' well, thanks for asking.

Yeah, d'you catch the Knicks game last night?

It rocked, huh?

Can't be National Butch Day 'cause the banks are still open.

Hey, Betty, nice rack.

- You're an idiot. - Thanks.

Probably a lez, huh?

You just spat on your shoe.

What are you doing?

Well, you know the old saying, Will.

A rolling fag gathers no moss.

What? Yeah, you can lead a fag to water

but you can't make him drink.

A penny saved is a fag earned.

Jack, you--

I heard what you called me the other day.

Oh.

Jack, I'm sorry you heard that, but you've got to understand.

I work with some of these people

and you... I wish you'd just tone it down a little.

You're pathetic and gross, and there's nothing

wrong with my tone.

Yeah, except that whenever you open your mouth

a purse falls out!

What are you so afraid of?

That everybody is gonna find out you're gay?

- Oh... - Oh.

They don't all know yet, do they?

I don't know. Some do, some don't.

I don't exactly put it on my business card.

"Will Truman. Gay. Member since 1982."

'82? Try '78.

Mister-One-Time-At-Sleep-Away- Camp-Doesn't-Count.

Whatever. Look, the point is, I tell people when I'm ready.

On my timetable.

Oh, I know what this is,

the 15 faces of Will.

Well, listen, Will, I am what I am.

And that makes you what, the gay Popeye?

I'd rather be a fag than afraid.

Hi.

Jack heard what I said at the gym.

Oh. Ouch.

What are you doing?

Oh, nothing.

I have a friend coming over.

I have girlfriends... besides you.

- Am I a bad gay man? - Yes.

How can you answer that so easily?

Because yesterday, when I saw that you didn't leave me

any milk for my coffee,

I remember saying, "Bad gay man! Bad gay man!"

It's just that...

Jack said this thing about how there are 15 Will Trumans.

- Oh, that's so wrong. - Thank you.

There are at least 25.

If you include Grumpy Morning Will

and Disco Will

and Sublimate-his-rage- with-cashmere Will--

Okay, this is, this is absurd.

Maybe I don't wear my sexuality

like a-- a sash and a tiara the way Jack does.

But I am willing to put my gayness up against anybody's.

You know what I mean.

Wow.

You're really embarrassed by Jack, aren't you?

No. Sometimes. Can you blame me?

Hmm.

What does that mean, "hmm?"

Well, you know, sometimes the things

we don't like in others

are the things we really don't like in, uh...

ourselves.

Thank you. Princess Of Tides.

Look, what you called Jack was pretty harsh.

I mean, what do you say about me behind my back?

That you should never wear Capris pants.

[gasps]

Okay, you keep that behind my back.

Alright, all I'm saying is

Jack has always been your best friend.

What's changed?

Really?

I'm gonna go out.

- Ah! - Oh.

Honey, sorry I surprised you.

Oh, you didn't surprise me.

Hi, come on in.

Uh, my mother told me never to show up empty-handed

but I didn't have time to shop, so...

Here's a dozen shares of GE.

Great.

I'll go put them in water.

Please, sit.

Oh, thank you.

- Okay, you ready? - Mm-hm.

I'm gonna make some popcorn.

I have Ben and Jerry's softening.

And I rented the last copy of "Hope Floats."

- I'll get the booze. - There you go.

Okay. Ready? Go.

Okay, so where was I?

Mm... Oh, yeah, the guy was drooling all over your neck.

Oh! Oh, right, the drool.

So Ira is floppin' on top of me like a horny trout.

And then, all of a sudden, he lets out this scream

that sounds something like...

"Ga-ga-ga! Ga... ga."

And, pfft, it's over.

And that's how I lost my virginity.

Oh!

Oh, that is such a sweet story.

You know, I didn't know there were people

who were actually named Ira.

I don't know if there are people named Ira either

but that was his name.

So what was your first time like?

Oh, it was awful.

He kept twistin' 'em like he was trying to open

up a jar of peanut butter.

But... it did get me

out of having to write that term paper.

Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho! No!

Oh, yes.

Let's have a toast to Mr. Tyler and his big A plus.

Okay, to Mr. Tyler.

He's a state senator now, you know.

Ira's a nurse.

Did you know that you're wearing my clothes?

Yeah, honey, and you're wearing mine.

Ah! I am!

When did that happen?

Well, uh, you wanted to try on my sweater,

and I wanted to see what

synthetic fabrics felt like and...

Bippity-bobbity-boop, we're wearin' each other's clothes.

Hey, you know what? This is kinda fun.

Yeah!

I love you! Ah!

- Really? - Uh-huh.

- I love you too! - Oh!

Hey, buddy boy.

Need a, need a spot?

No. Actually, I'm looking for a spot remover.

- Buh-bye. - Jack.

- I'm sorry. - Talk is cheap, Will.

Okay. Fly. Fly.

I mean it.

- Please forgive me. - No.

Or as they say south of the border, "No."

Jack, come on.

You know, you might want to scoot away from me, Will.

If the other kids see us playing together,

they might think you're a sissy.

♪ Won't you take me to Funkytown ♪

♪ Won't you take me to Funkytown... ♪

Will, I'll see you tomorrow at the meeting.

Yeah, alright.

Uh, wait, Richard...

wait a minute, uh, before you go...

♪ Won't you take me to Funkytown... ♪

You see the guy singing "Funkytown" over there?

Yeah, he's kind of hard to miss.

♪ Funkytown... ♪

He's way out there.

Yes, he is.

I want you to meet him.

Is this about business?

No.

Will, I'm straight.

Oh, I know. I'm not.

But it's not about that.

Come on.

Richard.

This is Jack.

My best friend.

Hi.

Nice to meet you.

So, if there aren't any other singers you want me to meet...

I'll see you tomorrow.

Jack.

Well, that was almost a nice thing

you did there, Will Truman.

It's a start.

What more do you want?

I'd like you to realize that this is not about me,

this is about you.

I do realize that.

And I'd like an apology.

I'm sorry.

And a little respect.

You have that.

And a full-time membership to this gym.

I respect you too much to pay for--

Okay, forget the respect.

- Just the full-time membership. - Fine.

Ugh, I feel sick.

I can't believe you made me eat so late.

Certain foods should only be eaten after midnight.

Like kielbasa and stuffed derma.

Anything encased.

You know, anything that, anything that practices

"safe pork."

Sufferin' Sappho.

You know, it's a shame.

An image like this is completely wasted on us.

I don't want to be here when they wake up.

Let's see if we can make last call.