Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

- We still on for lunch? - I can't.

- Well, what about dinner? - I can't.

Well, how about I wake you up at 3 a.m. for some calamari?

[sighs] Can, but won't.

Grace, you've been working seven days a week.

I haven't seen you in, like, forever.

The children don't even know what you look like anymore.

Tell them I look like a young Rita Hayworth.

- Mm... - What? I've been told.

Will, I promise we'll do something soon.

And if not, the day after soon.

Nah, soon is no good for me.

I'm having lunch at the whatchamacallit

with what's-his-name.

Hi, Jack. Bye, Jack.

Dad, was that you?

Okay, my court date is this afternoon.

Do you have any last-minute advice?

Yeah. You shouldn't have slapped a meter maid.

Honestly, Jack, sometimes I don't know where your head is.

- Mom, is that you? - Alright.

You remember what I told you to tell the judge?

Yes, it's not bad, but I've made a few adjustments.

It's just the writer in me.

Jack, listen to me. Don't recite any soliloquies.

Don't sing any show tunes.

Don't do the whole Perry Gayson thing.

Okay?

What time are you heading downtown?

Oh, uh, when I...

♪ Forget all my troubles forget all my cares ♪

♪ And go downtown ♪

Yo.

Petula?

It's nice to see you're taking this so seriously.

Actually, I am, that's why I would like a loan for $50,

that I don't have to pay back, for some blond highlights.

I feel it will soften me in the eyes of the jury.

There's the fridge. Get a lemon and rub it on your head.

[elevator bell dings]

♪ Ba-da-pa-pum bada-bada-pa-pum ♪

♪ Ba-ba-da pa-rum-pum ♪

♪ Bum-bum ♪

[scatting]

♪ Bum-bum

[scatting]

♪ How can you... ♪

I'm going downtown. [chuckles]

[theme music]

[instrumental music]

And they said Tinky-Winky was the only gay Teletubby.

Nice advice, counselor. I got 40 hours of community service.

I have to pick up trash for the next two weeks.

Yeah, at least this trash won't call you the next morning.

This is so stupid.

I can't believe my hard-earned tax dollars

are being spent prosecuting guys like me

who did nothing wrong.

Okay, Jack. A, nothing you've ever made has been hard-earned.

B, you never paid taxes until this year

and, C, you did something wrong.

You Zsa Zsa'd a meter maid!

You know, it-- it's against the law.

Yeah, well, the law sucks, darling.

Oh, now I've gone and worked up an appetite. Ah.

Take me to dinner tonight, you know, for my last meal.

Sorry. Deadbeat walking.

Grace and I have plans.

Oh, right. The missus before the mistress.

[telephone dialing]

Grace Adler Designs.

Hi, Karen.

Grace, the reason you're not in a relationship is on line one.

Hey, what's up?

Hey, are we still on for dinner?

'Cause there's this new, uh,

kosher-Chinese place around the corner.

I'm in the mood for a little sweet and sour oy-my-back.

I can't. Big problems with the Schneiderman townhouse.

I have to rip up all the curtains and the carpet.

Apparently, the only rug Mr. Schneiderman's interested in

is the one that's on his head.

Hey, hey, tell, hey, tell Karen I love her.

Yeah. I'll-- I'll wait. Let me wait.

No, eat without me. I'm gonna be late, late.

Late, late? Why? Why, why, why, why?

Because, because, because, because, because.

Okay, Dorothy, I gotta go. [sighs]

- Well... What? - Hey, hey, tell...

Hey, tell Karen I want to French kiss her

when I see her.

- I'll see you when I see you. - Bye.

Poor Will. Now he's being blown off by women.

[chuckles]

[humming]

Ooh, hey, it's the elevator chanteuse.

[laughing]

I caught your act between floors nine and two.

Ah, all those years on the escalator have really paid off.

- I'm Will, by the way. - Oh, I'm Val.

I just moved in to 15-F.

15-F? Nice apartment.

- Good divorce lawyer. - Oh, sorry.

- Was it messy? - Actually, it was...

You know what? I'd really rather not talk about it.

It just still sort of hurts my feelings.

Oh, Val, I'm s... I-- I wouldn't have brought it up if I...

It's okay, I'm just kidding!

[laughs] I'm kidding!

- You, yeah. - I was kidding.

[laughs]

But, no, actually, he was-- he was,

he was just a real jerk, though, you know?

Whenever we argued, he used to,

he used to talk about himself in the third person.

He'd be like, "Um, Val, Jerry needs his space right now."

And I'd be like, "Um, Jerry"

"Val's gonna take half your money right now."

[laughing]

Will wonders why Val married Jerry.

Well, as it turns out, I was a jackass magnet,

but I've now been demagnetized,

so all the creepy guys just slide off of me.

[clapping]

Hey. Oh, thank you. Thank you.

- You funny lady. - And you gay fella.

[laughs]

Which actually kills me 'cause you're so cute.

Yeah. What was the giveaway?

I guess the abundance of boxer briefs.

Ah. Yes.

The homosexual is the leading exponent

of the underpant hybrid.

Hey, do you want to have dinner later?

You're probably busy or is that weird that I just asked you--

No. No, no, I just got canceled on, actually, for tonight.

Well, you know, there's a, there's a

kosher-Chinese place around the corner.

Really? Hey, man.

I could really go for some moo shu.

It wouldn't kill you to call your mother.

[laughing]

[instrumental music]

What is this overstuffed bigness?

This chair is where foam goes to die.

It's no good. It's gotta go back.

Oh, my God. I'm so stressed out.

Honey, you know, whenever I get stressed out

I always like to...

You always like to what?

Gosh, I don't think I've ever been stressed out.

[laughs]

I mean, why would I be?

I've got practically no responsibilities

and my job's a breeze and I got a killer rack.

Good morning! [laughs]

Oh!

Oh, whoo! [laughs]

Aw, you know, when you just said that,

you got the cutest little wrinkles right there.

- What? Where? - Yeah.

Feel that? That's stress.

- Hey. - Hi.

Grace Adler. Val Bassett.

- Hi, nice to meet you. - How you doin'?

- Nice to meet you. - And this is Karen Walker.

She, uh, I-- I use this term loosely, works here.

Oh. Nice to meet you.

Well, any friend of Will's is...

Grace.

Val, you know, uh, Will has just said the best things about you

and it kills me that I can't have lunch with the two of you

'cause I have too much work to do.

No, you're not canceling again.

I thought we could all have lunch together in Soho.

Oh, yeah, and after, we gotta go by Prince Street to see that guy

who can put himself through the tennis racket.

Frank. I love Frank.

- That guy rakes it in. - I know.

He's like the richest homeless guy in Manhattan.

I know, he-- he actually made the "Misfortune 500."

- I was just going there. - I know, I beat ya.

Get out already!

You, I'll see sometime before autumn, you know,

unless, of course, there's another design emergency!

Okay, I'm gonna need ten CCs of chintz, stat!

[laughs]

Clear!

Isn't it amazing, Val?

Will is a guy and yet he can achieve multiple sarcasm.

[chuckles] Yeah.

Well, I'm really glad that we got to meet, you know?

- Me, too. - Ooh.

You got a little eyelash right there.

- Mm. - Ooh, make a wish.

No, she's still here.

Bye. Nice to meet you. Bye.

Grace: Oh.

She's sweet. What?

I don't like the way she's so chummy with your husband.

Please don't refer to him as my husband.

Alright, fine, I don't like how chummy she is

with your non-romantic life partner.

Also bad, so please stop, okay?

I'm glad he has a new friend, especially, since I'm so busy.

Your sexless lover!

[instrumental music]

Um, dirty linen shirts? Uh, your ex-husband.

Things you take to the cleaners.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Okay. Um... Oh, egg whites.

- Uh... - Thoroughbred horses.

- Um... - Uh.

Eh, James Brolin.

- Things that are whipped. - Yeah!

- Yeah! - Time! Time, time!

You guys are amazing. Okay, I'm gonna total up your time.

Add it up, honey.

Yeah, that's generally what I mean

when I say I'm totaling it up, Rob.

- Mm. Sorry, honey. - Oh, gosh.

- Hey, may be a record, Will. - Record, Will.

- Record! Whoo! - Record! Whoo!

- Hiya! - Oh, hi.

- Hey! - Hey.

- Hi. Hey, guys. - What, what are you doing home?

- I thought you had to work? - Uh, yeah, I, I do.

I just came home to change before my meeting.

- We're playing Pyramid. - I see.

You know, Will and I are champions.

Oh, I don't know, Grace.

Looks like you got some competition.

- Oh, yeah. - Yeah!

[laughing] I don't think so, Rob.

Oh, I don't know. Val is awesome.

Ooh.

Remember the time that Will and I finished an entire round in...

- Two minutes and 14 seconds. - Two minutes and 14 seconds.

- Oh! - Oh, man!

Hey, Grace, we're the same.

Oh, you guys, come on, we gotta hurry

if we're gonna make that reservation.

Okay, you have

a good meeting and remember.

There's no diviner designer.

[chuckles]

- Bye, Will. - Bye, Val.

- Did I just call you Val? - Yeah.

[laughs] That's funny.

[laughing]

Things that aren't funny.

[instrumental music]

So I walk in and-- and this woman

that he met, like, five minutes ago

is in our house playing with our friends using our coasters.

And he's dipping her.

He actually dipped her.

Oh, it's the oldest story in the world, honey.

[sighs]

Boy meets girl, boy meets new girl,

boy dips girl, boy sleeps with boys.

Wait a minute, maybe that's not the oldest story.

Maybe that's the Sal Mineo story.

[laughing]

But-- but, honey, you know, if you wanna hold on to your man,

you gotta work it a little bit.

I mean, a slinky negligee, a nice perfume.

Speak to him in a Dutch accent like his childhood nanny.

[sighs] I'm gonna call him for lunch.

Oh, honey, if you're calling him at work, don't bother.

- He's home sick. - No, he's not.

Yeah, he is. Mm-hmm. I called his office this morning.

Stan's going hot-air ballooning

and I wanted to review my prenup.

I can't believe I didn't know Will was sick.

Why didn't he call me?

I mean, who could take better care of him than I can?

Oh.

Val: Hello?

Hello?

Taking care of him when he's sick.

Could she be more hateful?

[instrumental music]

[sighs] Val? What a surprise!

Oh. Hi, Grace.

- Hey. - Hey.

I came as soon as I heard. How are you feeling?

Oh, I'm at death's door.

Only the bouncers won't let me in

'cause I don't look cool enough.

Do you have any Jane's Krazy Mixed-Up Salt?

No.

Val, what are you doing here?

Oh, just helping out our friend, sickie, here.

Oh. Thanks. Well, I'm home now, so you can go.

I'll help out sickie.

Oh, no, go back to work, Grace. We got it covered.

I just made a pot of split-pea soup here

so sickie won't be sickie anymore.

Well, sickie doesn't like split pea.

Uh, could you stop calling me sickie?

Or sickie's gonna get pukey.

[instrumental music]

Can you believe what I've been reduced to?

I bitch-slapped the law and the law won.

My poor little misdemeanor.

Honey, your skin looks great. What are you doing different?

- Just pore strips. - Oh.

I hate this. I mean, New Yorkers are such pigs. Look at this.

Ugh, chicken bones and broken lipsticks and candy wraps.

Looks like the inside of Grace's purse.

You know, why don't people just use the garbage can? I mean...

- Look at this. Oh. - Oh.

Who would throw away their phone bill in the street?

I mean, would it be so hard for

"Soon-Yi Allen" to walk two feet?

- Oh, my God. - Oh.

We have Soon-Yi Allen's phone bill.

Mamma mia! And I mean that literally.

- Karen, what should we do? - Make a prank phone call.

- Come on. - No. That would be wrong.

There's one thing I've learned from this experience

is that you need to respect the rights of others.

[laughing]

Get the phone, get the phone, get the phone...

I can't believe I got that all out

with a straight face.

[instrumental music]

[sighs] I'll get the soup for you.

- I got it. - I'll do it.

- I'm already doing it. - It's my bowl.

- My soup. - My stove.

- My recipe. - My God!

- My skin is burning. - Oh, my God, are you okay?

God. What is the matter with you two?

It's not feed a cold, scald a fever.

Grace, can I say something to you? And I...

I really, I really mean this in the most supportive way...

but you seem very threatened and insecure.

And I mean this in the most supportive way.

Get out of my house, you wing-nut.

Okay, I'll go.

I just want to let you know you have a little soup

there on your blouse--

I got it.

Look what you did!

This was a really expensive blouse!

Hey.

Sorry, you had a little bit of that delicious split pea

on your collar.

I'm so sorry, I thought that was soup,

but I guess it was part of the pattern.

You know what? This is crazy.

We-- we are grown, mature women here.

Yeah. Crazy, right?

Okay, I'm gonna get my coat.

[screaming]

[indistinct yelling]

Once again, girl-on-girl action and it's totally lost on me.

Hey! Hey, Gabrielle, Xena, break it up.

What is going on?

- She started it. - You did.

- Nuh-uh! - Okay, okay.

Nuh-uh was just uttered by an adult.

You're both taking a time-out. Go to your corners. Go on.

- Bitch. - Psycho!

Hey! Hey!

- What is wrong with you? - Nothing.

Well, fine, then I'll just go back to my room

and you two can work it out in Thunderdome.

It's just that...

You know, I've just been really busy

and I turn my back and I've been replaced

by that wacko.

It takes one to replace one.

Wait a min... Wait a minute, Grace, I...

Are you jealous?

[laughs]

No. Are you kidding?

Like, I would be, like...

I would even... Yes, I'm totally jealous.

What are you lookin' at?

The role of Will's best friend

has always been and will always be filled

by one scrappy little Grace Adler.

Really? 'Cause it hasn't felt that way lately.

Yeah, but you haven't been around lately.

Grace, you've gotta let me... date other women.

I know.

I guess it's only fair. I date other men.

Yeah.

- I even sleep with some. - Oh. Lucky.

You two have something you want to say to each other?

Sorry.

I'm sorry.

And I'm-- I'm-- I'm...

I'm really sorry that I get a little crazy sometimes,

you know? Can I sit down?

It's just that sometimes I just get a little envious of...

I mean, it's like...

I mean, I've never had a Will before, you know?

I just moved in here after a very painful divorce and...

You know, I don't know anybody

and I just so wanted to connect with someone

who didn't want anything back from me, you know?

Oh, Val. I feel so awful.

I'm just kidding! I'm kidding!

I'm totally kidding. [laughing]

Like, there aren't, like, there aren't

a million gay guys in New York, you know?

- You're a little nuts, right? - I've been told.

[laughing]

Well, I admire that in a woman.

Oh.

I like that little bra that you're wearing.

Oh. And I liked your split-pea soup.

I got a little taste when you shoved my face in the rug.

[laughs]

Hey, do you have a-- a shirt that I could borrow

to wear for the elevator ride?

Oh, yeah. You know what?

I have-- I have a great turtleneck

that'll cover up that welt that I gave you.

Oh, really?

- Do you like blue? - Yeah.

Straight guys have gotta be out of their minds.