Original subtitles

[theme music]

Grace, we're going to a cabin in the woods.

I'm almost certain you're not gonna need a sequined purse.

Okay.

Do you need it?

Grace... [scoffs] With this outfit? No...

So tell me again. Why are we doing this?

I told you. I need to see winter.

Come on, we'll build a snowman,

do funny things with the carrot.

Well, I do like me vegetables.

But, I mean, a whole weekend with Jack and Karen...

Oh, come on. That's the incentive.

Just think about it. Karen, doing anything in nature?

And Jack chopping wood?

♪ To the cabin we will go and ski upon the snow ♪

♪ We'll see a lot of bears forgettin' all our cares ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Puff Mommy.

Okay, okay, listen.

As far as Will knows, this is just a fun

impulsive getaway for the weekend,

so please, no mention of Michael

or the fact that tomorrow would have been their anniversary.

This is to take his mind off that.

Oh, look, mittens in a muff.

Is this on?

Ooh, can I have this?

It'll bring out the chestnut in my eyes.

[sighs]

No. No, that's Will's,

and that's the last thing he'd want to see.

Michael gave that to him for his birthday.

Hi, I'm Scarfy.

I'm the gift you give your boyfriend before you dump him.

I cost $12.

Hey! Sensitivo!

What did I just say to you?

I heard you.

You know, no one took me on vacation when I broke up with...

what's his face, uh... bleached hair, tattoo, goatee.

Who am I talking about?

God, I don't know, honey.

You just described a needle in a gay stack.

[theme music]

[instrumental music]

Alright, everybody, come on in.

Girls are downstairs, boys are up.

Hey, people! Careful with my luggage.

Grace? Honey, six inches from the walls.

I can tell you're a basher.

[thudding]

Alright, here you go. For your troubles.

Karen, you're tipping us?

We're not gonna take your money.

Will mum be needing towels this evening?

- Isn't this fantastic. - Yeah!

Oh, God, look at it. There's like no one around.

My God, what if we got trapped up here?

Who'd we eat first?

Well, Karen's out, 'cause there's nothing natural

or digestible on her body.

And I mean that as a compliment.

And I took it that way, honey.

Well, I'm out, 'cause I'm too petite.

A good soup is all you're gonna get from me.

It'd have to be someone with enough mean-slash-fat on him.

Oh, Will.

Try not to move around too much.

It'll keep you tender.

Wait a minute. How come no one wants to eat me?

Both: Too chewy.

Karen, did you see this?

It's a note from the caretaker. Cook's dead.

- Who's Cook? - Our cook.

Your cook's name is Cook?

No, Grace, he has a name.

I just don't remember it.

No, wait a minute, it'll come to me, it'll come to me.

"Where are my damn eggs... Paul?" Paul.

God, Paul is dead.

Now who the hell is gonna cook for us?

I guess this concludes the mourning period.

Wait. Maybe the passing of Cook was a blessing in disguise.

I'm gonna cook.

Men, go hunt wild game.

There's a White Hen Pantry two miles down the hill.

Woo...

Karen, the gays don't catch.

Allow me to go hunt and gather for the womenfolk.

Jack, don't you think it would be nice if you went with Will

so that he didn't have to be alone?

Okay.

Very well, I'll hunt and gather with our womenfolk.

Thanks again, Karen, for letting us use your cabin.

This is gonna be so great for Will.

Ah, no problem, honey.

Stan had to take his kids

to Scarsdale to see their real mother.

What was her name?

Wait a minute. It'll come to me.

"Stan, take the kids to see that bitch, Cathy!" Cathy.

Hey, Mrs. Walker.

Campbell, is that you?

Karen: Little Campbell?

My, my, look how you've grown.

We saw each other three months ago.

Oh, well.

I guess everything just looks bigger in the woods.

- Campbell? - Oh, my God, Grace Adler?

[chuckles] Oh, my God.

You two know each other?

High school!

We went to see "Loverboy" together.

Oh, my God! That's right, we did.

So you were both geeks in high school.

Campbell, what are you doing here?

Little of everything. Take care of cabins.

In the winter, I ski.

The summer, I bike.

Yeah. The outdoors agrees with you.

Works for you.

Does a lot for you.

And stale air and concrete does a lot for you.

You look good.

You look really good.

I can't believe you're here.

Honey, Campbell brought the wood in.

Looks like he'll be leaving with it, too.

I should go finish my rounds.

But do you want to get together later, grab a beer?

Oh, yeah, I'd love to.

Oh, um, I-- I can't.

I came up with friends, and we have uh... stuff.

Okay, well, if you change your mind,

I'm working 'til midnight at Ed's Beachcomber.

It's a local pub.

Okay.

It's really good seeing you.

[chuckles]

- Alright, uh, take care. - Okay.

Midnight.

[door closes]

Why can't I order that from the L.L. Bean catalogue?

Woman, are you insane?

Go fetch it!

Oh...

No, this weekend is about Will.

We're all here for him.

Oh, I cannot believe you.

We are trapped alone in a wilderness

with Wayland and Madam!

And you just let Babe the Blue Ox walk out that door?

Now, you think about that.

[instrumental music]

Jack, that's not a word.

Uh, yeah, it is.

Use it in a sentence.

Every morning, I... spramp my face with cold water.

Spramp your face? What the hell is that?

Yes, spramp. Spramp!

The bubbles from a Jacuzzi spramp up.

Note how the sea spramps off the jagged rocks.

Just because you do this, doesn't make it a word.

I don't know, Will.

Before I get into bed, I like to spramp on

a little Gardenia for Stan.

No, you don't!

You do not spramp, because no one has ever spramped

anything in the history of language.

Geez, what a karpooch.

Tell me about it.

Okay, Jack, let it go.

Sorry, I forgot this is Will's weekend.

Ow.

- What was that? - Um, of fun.

Will's weekend of fun. Are you having fun?

- Yeah. - Good.

- Woo! - Excellent, perfect, great.

"Overacted" said the New York Times.

"Cheap and transparent," said the Boston Globe.

Look, this wouldn't have anything to do with the fact

that this would have been Michael's and my anniversary?

- No. - Come on, get over yourself.

- Okay, I guess so... - I guess in a way it is.

Guys, that's really very sweet, but it's not a big deal.

Look, Will, we knew that this was gonna be

a difficult weekend for you, and we just thought

this would take your mind off of it.

[alarm dings]

Oh, there's my roast.

Guys, thank you.

It's not that I don't appreciate your little pity party,

but, really, take my word for it, I'm okay about Michael.

She's such a brave little toaster.

Okay, here it is.

[chuckles] Mmm.

Mmm.

[sniffing]

- What is it? - It's beef tenderloin.

I don't think it's dead yet.

It just looks mad and really hot.

Karen, it looks... great.

And it-- it smells--

[clears throat]

It smells.

Um, Will, what-- what-- what does it smell like?

It smells like... Pizza, pizza.

- I'll make the call. - I'll clear the table.

I'll bury this.

Karen: Hey, wait a minute...

Well, I'm bored. I'm gonna go take my disco nap.

You know, even though you lied to me and deceived me...

and Karen's here, I'm still having a good time.

- Thanks. - Sure.

And if there's anything else I can do for you...

Now that you mention it, there is one thing.

You can finish drying.

I'm going upstairs.

Are you sure? 'Cause if you want, we can make s'mores.

S'mores?

Ms. Adler, of all the counselors here at Camp Walker,

you're my favorite.

[sighs]

God, I thought he was never gonna leave.

It's 11:30. Come on, get it in gear.

- What are you talking about? - Honey, it's almost midnight.

Time for Cinderella to turn into a frisky little minx, huh? Huh?

[laughs]

Ooh.

When did you turn into a poker?

Grace, it's 11:30.

Campbell gets off work in half an hour.

Don't you want to find out if he's "Mmm-mmm, good?"

- What about Will? - Oh, what about him?

Come on, Grace. I mean, look, look out there.

Those squirrels are gettin' more action than you are.

I don't know.

Me reuniting with an old boyfriend

when Will's trying to forget about his?

It just doesn't seem...

Damn, look at those squirrels go.

Alright, Grace. You're right, you're right.

Forget about Campbell. Who needs him?

Who needs his strong,

sinewy arms and his washboard abs?

His fierce, dark, penetrating eyes

looking at you as he backs you up against the sink,

grabs you by the hair, turns you roughly... not too roughly,

but, hell, what's too roughly?

Hey, you're fogging up the windows.

- Why don't you go to bed? - Hmm.

[sighs]

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Jack: Okay, this is the money hand. Showcase showdown.

Yup, whoever loses this hand

is gonna be showin' the goodie package.

Honey, well...

- Why are we doing this? - Well, it's strip poker.

We just keep playing 'til we're both naked.

And then w...

Well, we could...

[gasps] Did you hear that?

- Yes. - Oh, my God!

Honey, well... Oh, my God, do you see that? What is that?

It looks like a big red matted rodent or something.

Jack: Well, I can't quite...

Oh, there it is! What the hell is that?

I don't know, but it's moving around back!

I'll get the flashlight.

I- I don't think I've ever seen that color in nature before.

[all screaming]

- Oh, my God! Is that a yeti? - No.

It's a single white female with a terra cotta rinse.

What are you doing? You scared the crap out of me!

Well, I'm sorry, we thought

you were Big Foot's cousin, Big Hair.

[laughs]

So where were ya'?

Did you go out with "Loverboy?"

Yes. And keep your mouth shut about it, if that's possible.

Well, color you moody.

- What's the problem? - What's the problem?

You want to know what the problem is?

There's a man out there who wants me, and I'm not with him

because there's a man upstairs who needs me.

I'm spramped if I do, I'm spramped if I don't.

Okay, first of all,

that's the incorrect use of that word.

Second of all, so, cut to the chase.

Am I gonna be an uncle or not?

No, we just kissed.

Okay, then a little over-the-sweater action,

but that's it.

Grace, I got further with Jack tonight.

I haven't felt this good in a long time,

and it's all your fault, Karen.

Hey, I have feelings too, you know?

[laughing]

Damn it, I was trying to keep a straight face.

Shucks.

I'm going to bed.

And by the way, it looks like "Dr. Zhivago" threw up on you.

[whistles] She needs help.

Listen, we gotta clear out of here

tomorrow night so that Grace can be with Campbell.

Uh, there's a gay bar exactly 5.3 miles

north northwest of here.

- Oh, gaydar? - Cop at the toll booth.

[instrumental music]

Are you sure this is a gay bar?

♪ First I was afraid

♪ I was petrified

♪ Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side ♪♪

Hey, let me buy you a drink.

Thank you, Jack.

That's nice of you to offer.

- Twenty enough? - Yeah, that'll get us started.

What's your pleasure?

- Mmm, George Stephanopoulos. - George Stephanopoulos.

[chuckling]

[instrumental music]

Mmm.

Okay, before we go any further,

I just have to say that I do not want this getting around school.

I'm running for class treasurer,

and if you blab, I'm only gonna get the football vote.

Can I tell Billy Wilcox?

Hmm. I thought you were Billy Wilcox.

Oh, well.

Will: Grace, open up. I don't have a key.

[door knocking]

- Oh, my God, it's Will. - Your boyfriend?

No, worse. My gay roommate. You've gotta hide.

Here, on the porch.

Will: Gracie...

- Hi. - Hi.

What are you doin' home?

- Are you okay? - I'm fine, I just...

Why be in an empty bar

when I can be hangin' out with you.

- Oh. - You look flushed?

- Gracie, are you sick? - Oh. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I-- I-- I think I'm contagious.

You should stay away from me. Good night.

[knocking]

[chuckles]

Yeah, you're in a weird mood.

You didn't eat any of Karen's cooking, did you?

'Cause I, I thought I threw that whole thing in the lake.

[knock on door]

Oh, my God, it's back,

and this time it's personal.

[gasps] Don't answer that.

It's, it's probably just the-- the-- the wind...

blowing a pine cone against the door

three times in rapid succession.

What are you talkin' about, crazy?

It's probably just Jack.

You know what? Screw him.

No, thank you.

Jack, did you...

Hi. What do you know, it's winter out there.

Uh, did I interrupt something?

Yeah, and I think I should be going.

I'm sorry, Campbell.

Am I moving? I can't feel my legs.

Uh, Grace?

What's with the mansicle?

[Grace sighs]

I am so sorry.

We ran into each other yesterday, and it just,

it just happened. I didn't plan on it.

You ran into each other yesterday?

Why wouldn't you tell me?

I didn't-- I didn't want to upset you.

Why would that upset me?

You know, your anniversary, and I know that

you're feeling sort of fragile, and I...

Oh, fragile.

So now I'm s... I'm so lonely and pathetic

that I can't even handle the fact

that my-- my best friend is seeing someone? Is that it?

No, no. I just-- I-- I-- I wanted to protect you.

But, look, hey, I don't need you to protect me

from Na-nookie of the North out there.

I told you I was fine.

I know, Will, but you always say that you're fine.

Because I am fine! Uh, you think I care who you sleep with?

Sleep with as many guys as you want, I don't care.

You can sleep with two guys or-- or six guys

or 11 guys or 27 guys!

Okay, I get it. You know a lot of numbers.

Don't feel sorry for me, Grace.

Okay, I'm fine. In fact, I'm more than fine,

I'm perfectly fine!

- Then why are you shrieking? - Because I'm not fine!

[sighs]

I miss Michael.

I don't want to, but I do.

I know and I sympathize.

That's why I brought you up here.

And the thing that kills me...

[sighs] What?

is that... if a neurotic wingnut like you

can get on with her love life...

Okay, losing my sympathy now.

No, no. But, I mean, you know, if you...

if you can and I can't, what does that say about me?

Will... it doesn't say anything

about you. I just got there first.

I know, I know, and I'm happy for you.

I think it's great, I just...

can't believe that a lunatic like you got there first.

Okay, we've been down that road already, I thought.

Alright, uh, it's... No, it's great.

I... Maybe I need to be more of a lunatic.

I think you've got that color.

Yeah.

[instrumental music]

Will: So what happened next?

So then we kissed for a really long time.

- Breath? - Perfect.

He had brushed his teeth, but not right before

so it wasn't one of those "Colgate" kisses.

Blah, blah, blah, get to the good stuff.

I'm going to bed. I'll tell you the rest tomorrow.

Wow, it was that good?

No, it just doesn't happen that often.

I have to ration.

- You okay? - I'm fine.

♪ I wonder how it's gonna be

♪ When you don't know me

♪ How's it gonna be

♪ When you saw I'm not there

♪ How's it gonna be ♪