Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

Oh, that's okay. I'll just wait for the next one.

Oh. [clearing throat]

Or not.

I was going down but I don't have to go straight down.

We're all so goal-oriented.

It's really all about the journey, isn't it?

And the company.

I'm, uh, Peter.

So, I see.

Uh, Grace. Grace Adler.

Well, just, Grace Adler.

Be a little weird if, Grace, was my middle name too.

Yeah, yeah. Imagine how, Boutros Boutros-Ghali, feels?

I'm, uh, movin' into 12-D.

Oh, yeah. I've been in that one.

It's a... It's a two bedroom, right?

Uh, no. Just a one bedroom.

- Just me. - Just good.

Oh, uh, actually. I'm goin' up.

Oh, well, that's okay. I'm a Scorpio.

We love to travel.

Is everyone in this building good-looking?

Oh, no. We-- we make the ugly ones take the stairs.

You, uh, moving in?

Yeah. yeah. She's a little small.

But, uh, I got some ideas.

I'm Will.

Uh, Peter. 12-D.

12-D?

That's a... studio, isn't it?

[theme music]

Oh, sorry I'm late.

My driver hit a pedestrian on 57th Street.

And we had to stop and blah-blah, ugh.

Oh, my God. Is he okay?

Mm, a little rattled.

But, he always gets like that when he hits someone.

Karen...

you have to do something about him.

Eventually, you know, he's gonna kill someone.

[chuckles]

You understand

that would be wrong, don't you?

Yeah. I guess.

Fire him.

Grace, he is old and sweet and helpless.

I can't just fire him because he's a raging incompetent.

I mean, maybe you could, but not me.

Karen, if that were true, we wouldn't be

having this conversation.

You know. I guess I should just cut him loose.

[phone ringing] I mean, as Gandhi once said

"You're only as strong as your weakest servant."

[phone ringing]

I think he said that. [phone ringing]

Or maybe it was, "Wow. this sand is hot!"

[laughing]

[phone ringing] Oh...

Honey, are you gonna get that?

It's kinda distracting.

Grace Adler Designs.

Hold on.

One. Two. Three.

This is Grace.

Oh, Peter, hi.

Who's Peter?

Oh, tonight? Oh, um, uh, let me check my book.

One. two. three. Yeah, it seems like I'm free.

Yeah, like you need a book to tell you that.

Great. Sounds like a plan. I'll see you at 8:00.

Cue the laugh.

[laughs]

And the hair toss.

Uh-huh.

Okay. Bye-bye.

So, what's up? What's goin' on?

Who's gettin' some slap and tickle?

- I am. - Are not.

- Am too. - With who?

- A guy! - Hey-hey-hey. Game's over.

♪ Fish gotta swim and birds gotta fly ♪

♪ I gotta love one man till I die ♪

♪ Can't help lovin' that man of mine ♪

♪ Hey listen sister

♪ I love my mister man

♪ Tell me he's lazy tell me he's slow ♪

♪ Tell me I'm crazy maybe I know ♪

♪ Can't help lovin' that man of mine ♪

Take it, Jackie!

And pas de bourree, and pas de bourree...

And souffle.

I'm gay!

- So what's goin' on with you? - What?

We haven't sung a show tune since

Jimmy Swaggart got caught with a hooker.

Both: I have sinned!

So what's cookin' average lookin'?

Okay.

This guy moved into our building.

And, um, I like him.

[gasps] Oh, my God.

She's alive. Alive!

Tell me everything!

Okay.

We met on the elevator and...

No, no, no. Wait-wait-wait.

Are you gonna pay attention?

Or are you just gonna drift off and think about,

I don't know, what your ass looks like in 501's?

I'm totally listening. I'm all ears. Go.

Okay. Half an hour ago he calls

and invites me to dinner, tonight.

So I'm thinking...

I've lost you already! Where are you?

- I'm listening. - No. you weren't.

- Where did you go? - I'm paying attention.

Don't mistake me for your mother.

Okay. New shoes.

Good.

These are good.

These'll work.

These are painful.

Ow. Ow.

Numb.

- Hey. - Hey.

No time to talk. There's something I have to do.

What was it again? Oh, yeah, a date.

- I have a date. - Oh, my God!

You have a date? I'm so excited!

I want to hear all about him but not now because...

I have a date too!

- No. - Yes!

- No! - Yes!

- We have a date! - Woo!

Woo!

Wait a minute.

Don't losers get that excited about dates?

Losers don't have dates. We have a date!

Oh!

Woo!

- Grace: Should I wear the-- - Will: No!

- Grace: What about the-- - Will: No!

- Grace: Okay. I'll go with-- - Will: Good.

Will: What about me? Should I wear the thing--

- Grace: No! - What about the sweater--

- Grace: No! - Should I just leave on the--

- Grace: Yup! - Will: Okay.

Two buttons or three?

Well, it's the difference between "I'll call you"

and "I'll wake you."

What about me? Two buttons or three?

- Oh, definitely two. - Yeah?

It's the difference between "I'll call you"

and "I'll sell you an area rug."

Okay. I'm taking the Merlot Jack stole

from the restaurant after they fired him

for stealing the Cabernet.

- Will: Grab me one! - Grab my shoe.

- How do we look? - I'd sleep with us.

Yeah, me too.

- Here. - So where are you guys goin'?

- Actually, not too far. - Mm.

- What about you? - Not too far either.

Will: Look. Look. Look. Look.

If we're gonna do this, let's agree on one thing, okay?

If-- if-- if either of us gets the feeling

that kind of I-like-you-more- than-a-friend vibe

the other will bow out gracefully.

- Like a gentleman. - Or a lady.

Or a gentleman.

Did you eat salami today?

No. Did you wash your face with ugly soap?

- Hi. - Hi.

Hi. This is, uh, weird, but being my

first night in New York, I was afraid to check.

Whoa!

Oh, a 1985 Merlot. Always an excellent choice.

And a, uh, 1985 Merlot.

Still an excellent choice.

Come on in.

So, uh, clearly, you two know each other.

Well, sort of. We're, uh...

- We live together. - As roommates.

- In a two bedroom. - In two beds.

In separate rooms.

It's okay. I get it. You're married.

Just kidding.

- Good. - Come on in. Sit down.

I'll open the wine.

Wow.

I can't believe you just moved in.

The place already looks great.

Really great.

Really, really great.

Thanks. But, uh, it is only the living room.

Trust me you don't want to see the bedroom.

- Maybe later. - Maybe later.

Go on, go on. Sit down.

I am so glad you two could make it.

You're officially my closest friends in New York.

Oh...

Except for the guy who peed

on my car this morning.

Ah, he's more like family.

I know what you mean. My-- my uncle does the same thing.

That's a lie.

- To new friends. - New friends.

You know, you have the most beautiful smile.

Oh, it's-- it's a little crooked.

- Now, so was Audrey Hepburn's. - Oh, come on now.

I hate my smile.

Well, then stop smiling.

You know, I thought we'd start off with some veggies

or at, uh, $4.99 a pound crudites.

Great. Well, you know the old saying.

"Crudites, gone tomorrow."

[snorting]

Yeah, that's hot.

I-- I love

love, love-love that sculpture.

Oh, yeah.

I got that in Africa.

I found that traveling through Mombasa.

Ah, yes. Mombasa.

Was it last week you were in Mombasa, Will, or...

never?

Oh, look. Golf clubs.

Yeah, yeah. You play?

Well, a little. I gotta work on my swing.

I have such a hard time getting the ball in the clown's mouth.

Oh, your-- your address is all wrong.

- Here. - Yeah?

Let me show you.

You just want to pull back...

and follow through.

Pull back...

Pull back...

- Head down. - Mm.

Follow through.

- Better? - Much better.

Yeah, thank you.

[bell dings] Oh, I gotta check on dinner.

I-- I hope you like veal marsala.

I slaved for hours over the takeout menu.

Wow! You smell great.

Thank you.

What are you wearing?

Just me.

That's a lie.

I'll be right back.

Well...

- I think it's pretty clear. - You're right.

- Go home. - Go home.

- You go home! - You go home!

- Peter is not gay. - Oh, please.

You think everybody is straight. He's gay.

So you can just stop flirting.

Oh, wrongo, Marilu. He's straight.

So you can stop posing with that fake interested look

"Ah, yes. Mombasa."

Oh-- oh-- oh, hello?

"I hate my smile."

Well, what about your charming fake laugh?

[laughs mockingly]

Oh-- oh-- oh-- oh!

That doesn't compare to your fake laugh with the...

[laughing]

[both mimic]

Oh, that's a good one, Grace. That's good.

Oh, my God.

Ugh. This is so stupid. I didn't come here to compete with you.

Well, neither did I.

Can't we just...

sit here and behave like normal human being people?

- Deal. - Deal.

Okay. I hope this is alright.

One question. Is veal supposed to have a beak?

[both laughing]

Karen: Believe me, Driver.

This has been harder for me than it has for you.

Mrs. Walker.

Am I fired because I'm-- I'm a bad driver?

No. no. You're very good at what you do.

I just think it's time for a change.

I mean, I know that you want...

Honey, I'm over here now.

I remember that you always wanted

to do other things in your life.

Why, I recall you having an interest in woodworking.

- That was Cook. - Oh, that's right, I'm sorry.

You loved the clarinet.

That was Maid.

Honey, you're gonna have a lot of free time on your hands now.

Find a hobby.

We've had some good times, Mrs. Walker, haven't we?

Oh, it has been fun.

Why, I remember the time that...

Why, I remember the time that Stan and I were in the car.

and we blew a fan belt and you had to push the car

all the way to New Jersey.

Almost lost a toe to frostbite.

Those were the good times.

Oh, and how about when we used

to take our little country drives

and play our favorite game, "Spook The Horse?"

Oh, they do hate the sound of that horn, don't they?

Well, I'm gonna miss you, Driver.

But I'm sure you'll land on your feet.

Unlike those people you hit.

Will, come on. He's perfect for me.

Except for one little problem. He's perfect for me.

I need this more than you.

Oh, please! You've had plenty of dips in the love pool.

I'm still in the cabana trying out floaties.

Okay.

- Give me the phone. - Get...

No!

No. No. No. No. No!

- Agh! - Give it to me!

Put it in my hand!

You can have it when I'm done!

Ow! You're hurting me with it!

You're gonna break it!

Will, I told you, you live with a hetero long enough

you're going to catch it.

Fine.

You want him so bad, you can have him.

- Even though he's gay! - He is not gay.

What's this?

A question of sexual orientation?

The doctor is in.

- Oh, Jack-- - No. no.

Jack has the most finely tuned gaydar in the tri-state area.

Do-do-do-do-do ding!

He can name a gay guy in one note.

Ah, yes. Many, have sought my counsel on this subject.

They say "Jack is a wise man.

Jack is a dangerous man.

Jack is a great man."

No. Jack is just a man.

A man who knows men who like men.

- Bring to me the facts. - Okay.

In his bathroom, he had three magazines

and one of them was "Martha Stewart's Living."

He also had "Basketball Digest."

Ah, you both make compelling points.

But I believe the truth is to be found in the third magazine.

- "Vanity Fair." - Unless it's "Vanity Fair."

You're right, Will. He is good.

Now, there is one question you can ask

that will reveal the truth.

I hesitate to share this secret with you

for it has awesome power.

What would that question be?

Are... you... gay?

Thank you. Homo Won Kenobi.

[door knocking]

Who is it?

Peter: Oh, hey, guys, it's me.

Wha-wha-wha, hey-hey-hey-hey!

How about bringin' the desperation level

down about three clicks, huh?

Not attractive. Open the door.

- Hey. - Hi.

Want to go to a movie?

- Movie. That's a good idea. - Oh, yeah.

- Why don't you come in? - Oh, thanks.

We really want you to meet friend of ours.

Um, this is, Jack.

Hi. Nice to meet you.

Hello.

I know.

So, uh, there's a couple of movies I was into checkin' out.

Hey, Peter, uh, before we go

there's something I wanna ask you.

- Will, don't. - Grace, I need to ask him.

- No, you don't. - I think it's important.

- Not now. No. - I need to know.

Grace wants to know if you like boys or girls.

Will!

Eh, do I like boys or girls?

Isn't it obvious?

- Yes. I've been trying to... - Yes.

- No. We're having trouble. - I have no idea.

I gotta tell you.

this has never happened to me before.

Look, we're...

We're just trying to figure out which one of us you're dating.

Dating?

Who said anything about dating?

I thought we were friends.

Well, it started out as friends but...

you sniffed me.

Yeah, and-- and then you let me hold your club.

Oh, my...

- Where you-- where you-- - Where you going?

You know, I'm-- I'm gonna take a rain check on the movie.

This is what I get for movin' to New York.

And to clarify things

you're not my type.

Wow.

- That was embarrassing. - Yeah.

How do you feel?

What do you mean, how do I feel?

Sweetie, you just got dumped.

Oh, I don't think so.

You got dumped. He's clearly gay.

Oh, please!

- What are you talking about? - Come on. Let's eat.

He's straight. You think everybody's gay.

Okay. We never go after the same guy again.

- Unless it's George Clooney. - Agreed.

In which case we share.

Hi.

- Hi. - Hi.

Going down?

- We'll take the stairs. - We'll take the stairs.