Original subtitles

- Will? - Hey.

I thought you were gonna clean up.

Grace: I had to wash my face

and I didn't want to do it with dirty hands.

I thought you were at Jack's.

Ugh, I was just there.

God, he's so freaked out about turning 30.

He's in full Greta Garbo mode.

Mmm, back of the hand on the forehead,

the tear-stained marabou nightgown.

Why did you come back?

He wanted me to pick up one of his birthday gifts.

Oh, here it is.

That'll cheer him up.

You know, with the right treat on the end

Jack can jump like three feet.

Jump, Jack, jump.

I'm sorry, were you asleep?

Oh, yeah.

- You're all flushed - Huh?

Oh, oh, I-- I was, I was just dreaming.

Sex dream.

No, actually, it wasn't. It was, uh, it was surreal.

Um, I was, uh...

I was on a fishing boat.

And I, uh, you know,

turned into a chicken.

I'm gonna go back to Jack's and I will be very late.

- Okay. - Okay.

[sighing]

Hmm, is it wrong that I feel so good in this?

[theme music]

- Hey. - Hey.

Who loves you? Grace Adler does.

Because she stopped by Mendel's Kosher Bakery

and picked you up three different things

with hucch in them.

And one fat free hucch for me.

My favorite, phlegm cakes.

Just put mine in the kitchen, thank you.

Okay, Umm...

Will, I-- I really need to-- to talk to you about--

Oh, hold on, hold on. [chuckles]

I'm, uh, chatting with this dentist.

He wants to know what celebrity I look like.

Hmm, who's "Hat Lawyer?"

Oh, um, Hot Lawyer was already taken.

Is there something you wanted to tell me?

Yes. Yes. Yes, there is.

Okay, okay. You know how, um, how sometimes

you y-- you do something,

and you get all caught up in it

and, you know it's stupid

but you don't realize

just how stupid it really is

until after?

Sure, I mean, that-that's how "Footloose,"

the musical, got made.

[laughing] Yeah.

- You had sex! - No!

Really? 'Cause I'm getting a reading.

No, no, that-- that's probably just because

um, I... had sex.

Trampolina!

- Yeah. - Yeah! Wow! When?

Don't! No-no-no, don't tell me. Let me guess.

Uh, let me see, last night was the party.

That was all gay men, except for my brother.

Um... Oh, my God.

Oh, Will, God.

Oh, my God! It wasn't the party!

It's the produce guy from Balducci's.

- What? No, no. - Don't lie to me.

I've seen you flirt with him.

"Excuse me, sir, um, are these blueberries fresh?"

Grace, you blueberry tart.

Will, it wasn't the produce guy.

- It isn't? - No. It's...

[computer beeps] Oh, my God. I've got mail.

He's quoting Nietzsche.

Does it make him pretentious or maybe just intense and smart?

I'll fire off a quote from Joan Lunden's autobiography,

see if that scares him off.

So, who was it?

Uh, it was your... [computer beeps]

He took the bait.

Wow, he wants to meet me.

Should I do that? I mean, he's a dentist.

Do it. Maybe he's "Hat."

[chuckles]

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

You were right in the middle of-- of, uh--

Oh, no, no, no, no. It's okay.

- We can talk about it later. - I'm totally interested.

I'm just kind of into this right now.

No, no. It's cool. Uh, we'll talk later.

Um, I'm goin' to Balducci's.

You want me to pick anything up while I'm there?

The produce guy. Oh, you already did that.

[laughing]

Look, the Jacobs had to cancel this morning.

So I've rescheduled for tomorrow afternoon.

Can you just call and nail down a time

and make sure that they don't need any...

- What? - You had sex.

What? How did you... Well, is-- is this out on video?

I don't understand. How does everybody know?

Well, every poker player has a tell.

And, uh, speaking of poker, who was it, huh?

No one you know. So just don't even--

[gasps] It was Sam!

Oh, my God!

No, you know what, I am going, before you figure out

every detail of what happened last night.

Oh, honey, come on, there is no possible way

I could know every detail.

I only know it was twice.

- Oh, my God! - Yeah.

Alright, I'm going out for coffee.

Yeah, bring me back one of those sweet rolls in the hay.

Not a word.

- Oh. - Not a word to anyone.

Fine, honey. Whatever.

God, I'm not gonna say a word to anybody.

Swear.

Swear on your mother's...

On your stepchildren's...

Swear on your jewelry.

[gasps]

Alright, I swear.

Good morning, star-shine.

Oh, my God. I'm 30.

Do you know what that is in gay years?

It's over. I'm gone. Goodnight. Buh-bye.

Honey, what's with the cap?

Was your hair doin' a dippity-don't?

Karen, I'm in mourning for my life.

Oh, I know you are poodle.

And if I hadn't deadened my frown lines with Botox

you'd be able to read my empathy.

I'm 30 years old and I've done nothing with my life.

I've done jack.

Just... jack.

Nothing will ever make me happy again.

[gasps]

Honey?

I've got a little gossip.

Yay!

Oh! Oh! Ugh! Devil! Oh!

I can't tell you.

Karen, we're talking about my future happiness here.

If something tragic or depraved happened to someone else

I want to hear it.

Oh, honey, I can't tell you. I swore I wouldn't say a word.

Well, do something to break that promise.

I don't know, act it out or something.

[gasps]

Oh, honey. Oh, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. Hmm.

Are we taking the Girl Scout pledge?

- No, it's charades! - Oh, okay, okay.

Come on, honey. I can't break a trust.

- Okay. - Three words.

- Yeah. - First word.

- Mm-hm. - Sounds like?

- Uh - Uh, uh, head.

Uh, eyes, nose, a face.

- Mmm-- - Face! Sounds like face!

Base, case, dase, jase, wase, nase?

Honey, those aren't even words.

No, come on.

- Uh, place, space - It's...

No. Oh, Lord. I... Oh, hold on.

Ooh-ooh, okay, okay.

[mimics Grace]

Grace!

- Yes! - Alright, second word.

Okay. Uh.

Oh, um... Okay, wait.

Oh, oh, oh, wait.

- Okay, I got that one. - Yeah! Ha-ha!

Okay, so, um, who did Grace, eh-eh...

- Uh, okay. - Third word.

Uh, okay. Oh, this is tough.

I don't know how to... Um, uh, oh... Okay, Sam.

Sam! Oh my God! Grace had sex with Sam!

I'm young again, I'm young again, I'm young again.

Will: Have you been seeing anybody else

or you gonna wait till the divorce is final?

Um, actually I-- I am. I-- I have.

Hey, good for you. What... Tell me about it.

What does she do? What does she look like?

Does she have strong thighs and broad shoulders?

And is that even something you look for, or is that just me?

- Just you. - Hmm.

Oh, Sam, hi.

Hey, Grace.

I'm glad you're back. I need a second opinion.

I'm having coffee with cyber dentist in like an hour.

Am I crazy? I mean, is this a bad idea?

I would never judge what you do with your romantic life.

No matter who it is.

Date who you want, sleep with who you want.

I just want you to be happy.

Thank you.

If you and the other "Children Of The Corn"

will excuse me

I'm, uh, gonna go brush my teeth.

I thought you were gonna tell him.

I tried, I failed. You have to tell him.

So, Grace, you never told me who this guy was.

We'll, we'll talk later.

Okay. And hopefully my date works out.

and I can catch up with you two

'cause you've with somebody

and Sam's been with somebody.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

I don't believe this.

Will, you're foaming at the mouth.

How could you do this?

You mean in general, or in this particular situation?

- Don't joke. - Will, Will, I am so sorry.

- It was an accident. - An accident?

Well, how-- how-- how does that work?

"Oh-- oh, sorry, I slipped and fell

over and over and over again."

Will, I know this is a little weird.

This is not weird, Grace.

Gay Republicans are weird.

- This is sick! - Okay, okay.

Will, please, could we at least sit--

You know, this is just so typical of you, Sam.

You know, you just come back into my life

and just take whatever you want, nothing's changed.

You know, Grace, you're right. Maybe we shouldn't tell him.

You know, you-- you-- you-- you wanted the big bedroom,

you took that, you wanted dad's old car, so you took that, too.

And now Grace. Well, I got news for you, pal.

You can't have her, 'cause she's mine!

Excuse me?

Hey, it was just one night.

Oh, really? Just-- just one time?

Actually, two times, one night.

[cringes] I-- Ugh, ugh.

Well, what do you want me to say?

That you'll stay out of my room and away from my toys.

Whoa!

Your toys?

I'm your toy?

Tell me, Will, where do the batteries go?

No, wait. You're angry. Don't answer that.

Will, Will, I said I am sorry.

You don't have to get

all possessive and controlling, okay.

I'm not possessive.

And I'm not controlling.

It's just that Sam...

can't have you, 'cause you're mine!

Oh, stupid me.

I've been living my life

under the illusion that I am my own person.

I'm out of here.

You' re blowing this way out of proportion.

Yeah? And you betrayed me.

And the fact that you don't even understand

where I'm coming from on this, uh, just makes it worse.

I think that went well.

Can you believe that? "She's mine?"

Like he owns me. I mean, who died

and made him the Sultan of Brunei?

Honey, what's goin' on with your hair?

Looks like you got mousse and squirrel in there.

You should talk, Mulan.

Well, alright, Grace.

If you'd like to know what I think

I think you're dealing with the wrong issue.

Okay, okay, so, so maybe the timing was bad.

- Maybe it never should-- - Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba...

Shh.

How do I put this delicately?

Um, I think you went with Sam because

he's the Will that'll touch your boobies.

What? What? What? [chuckles]

What are you telling me? You-- you-- you think

I slept with Sam because he's the straight version of Will?

That's ridiculous. Karen, Karen.

I slept with Sam because he's cute.

- Like Will. - And smart.

- Like Will. - And funny.

Like... you think Will is.

Stop it!

This had nothing to do with Will.

Honey, I am not judging you.

I mean, every woman likes to have

her boobies touched now and then, right? Ha-ha-ha.

Stop saying "Boobies" okay, okay?

Now, you, you could not be more wrong.

You, you have lost your mind. You live a very odd life.

I don't know what... Uh, who are you?

Boobies.

Hey-hey, no muddy paws and no surprises on the carpet.

Klaus von Puppy is clean

and housebroken, thank you very much.

I wasn't talking about the dog.

And here you are working on the toughest case of all

Will versus Life.

You've heard?

I've heard.

Come on, Tiny Dancer, talk to me.

I got eyes to see, ears to listen with

and a head to nod knowingly.

Go ahead, caller, you're on the air.

It... It just pisses me off that he thinks

he can come into my life and just take whatever he wants.

You know, and-- and-- and they expect me to be

happy for them. Well, I'm not.

Well, you shouldn't be she's yours.

Thank you!

So many relationships I've been in

have ended because the other person didn't realize

that they belonged to me.

Yes. What? No.

Uh, did, I-- I think it's a little different

uh, between Grace and me

and you and your insignificant others.

No, it's not, Will. Owning is owning.

You own Grace.

Just like I own you, Klaus, isn't that right?

I tell him when he eats, when he goes out,

who he sniffs and when he needs a pedicure,

just like you and Grace.

That's not what I meant. You know, I-- I-- I...

I know I don't own Grace and she can sniff whoever, she-- she...

Leave me alone, Jack.

Alright, you know what, caller?

Let me go out on a limb and just say one more thing.

Maybe the reason you're so upset is because

you're jealous of Sam.

What?

Clearly, you wish you were

the one who was sleeping with her.

[chuckles] That's nuts.

Nuts like a fox, Will.

Come on, admit it, part of you wishes

that you could have Grace in that way.

You know, hold her in your arms, kiss her,

smell her woman's scent,

let your hands slide down the back...

Oh.

Forget it, I'm sorry I said that.

Ellen, honey, we're gonna need some Pepto.

I don't know how the heteros do it

with the hoo-hoos and hee-hee.

I don't know either, Jack and one day

I'll teach you those words.

Final thought, you are jealous.

Maybe not of the icky sex part,

but of the fact that your brother gets to share

a part of Grace that you never will.

Don't you agree?

What are you watching?

Some exercise.

I don't know, they're doing a lot of jumping.

Maybe it's the Home Jumping Channel.

Why?

The remote's over there and I'm... over here.

I'm your toy?

I know, I know. I, ugh...

I'm sorry, I don't want to do a big thing about it though.

Could we... Do we have to laugh and cry and come to terms?

No, let's just shorthand it.

[both laugh and cry]

- Are you okay? - Yeah.

And you, just date whoever you want.

Even if you do have to pick him from my family tree.

I'm going to change my clothes, because, uh, yikes.

And, uh, then I'm gonna sit on the couch with you

and watch "Lifetime".

- That Michelle Lee movie's on. - Which one?

"I'm Not Leaving Town Without My Daughter

Because I Have A Brain Tumour But Don't Hit Me

You Have A Drinking Problem."

[knocking on door] Good One.

- Hey. - Hi.

I was in the Village, and I got to thinking, you know,

if I took two subways and a bus transfer

and then walked a half dozen blocks,

I'd be right in the neighborhood.

- You okay? - Yeah. Yeah, I am.

You feel like getting a drink?

I don't think so.

Tonight or ever, right?

- It's, it's just too weird. - Ah.

I feel like I'm violating one of the commandments.

"Thou shall not covet thy gay best friend's

long-estranged, recently reunited brother."

I don't know that commandment. I only read up to ten.

Okay, I guess I'll go then.

I hope Will knows how lucky he is to have you in his life.

He knows.

- Call your brother. - Mm-hm.

So...

- You know what Jack said? - Hmm?

He said I was jealous of Sam

because he gets to sleep with you and I can't.

Yeah, well, Karen said the only reason I went for Sam

is because he's the straight version of you.

So do you think we need to talk about this?

Let's shorthand that, too.

Grace, do you want to sleep with me?

Oh, gosh, I'm sorry. I don't sleep with gay men.

See, that's a problem because I do.