Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

Okay, let's do this quickly

while Jack's still playing on the escalator.

[sighs] Okay, how about a juicer for Jack's birthday?

That's a good idea.

Then maybe he can give ours back.

Here, try some. It's liquid sunshine.

Mmm. It is liquid sunshine.

How'd you do it?

Well, with the Schmenkman 5000,

you can make juice out of anything.

Oh, come on!

I'm sure the Schmenkman 5000 is good,

but can it really get juice out of anything?

Ma'am, the Schmenkman 5000 is so good,

you could get juice out of Hume Cronyn.

[applauds] Now, that's a good juicer.

- Are we gonna get this or what? - I don't know.

Hey, look. I'm Cher, circa 1978.

My daughter's a what?

Wait a minute, why are you guys buying

my birthday present in here?

No, no-no, I don't need kitchen appliances.

I eat all my meals at your house. Doy!

Oh, my God, and do not get me a juicer.

I just sold the one I had.

Um... this birthday party we're throwing for you,

it's-- it's still a surprise, right?

Oh, my God, totally.

But I want to go over the guest list.

And I want a celebrity. No one lower than Joan Van Ark.

How about Joan of Arc?

What, what show was she on?

Okay, anyways, let's goes next door and get some CDs.

I want to get some surprise party music

for my surprise party.

I heard the new Alanis Morissette

that just got reduced.

Yeah, that's what you get for thankin' India.

Are you looking for a juicer?

Oh, I... I really don't know.

Well, this one is terrific.

You know, they claim it can get juice out of--

Hume Cronyn, yeah.

Hume Cronyn?

He's a national treasure.

That's not funny.

No. See, the guy that just left, he was the one who...

I'm gonna need a few more minutes.

[sighs]

Hi, I'm Mr. Juicer.

My God, Grace Adler, you have gotten lonely.

- Sam? - Hi, Grace.

Oh, my God, Sam, what are you doing here?

Well, you know, I woke up this morning

and I realized that I have lived my entire life

without... one of these.

- A juicer? - No, a kitchen.

[Grace chuckles]

Grace Adler, wow.

You know, the last time I saw you,

you were this big.

But I was on a hill and you were far away.

[laughing]

- How are you? - Good.

You know, you know, I did the interior of a house

that you were the contractor on in Sag Harbor.

Really? How'd you like my work?

Grace: Fantastic.

I loved the way you put the floor down low

where everybody walks.

And-- and whose idea was it to put the ceiling

above everyone's head like that?

- That was mine. - Ah.

Thank you.

[sighs]

So how long are we not gonna talk about

what we're not talking about?

Oh, I can do this all day. I have a lot of staying power.

You look great.

So I guess I'll start.

Will just left.

Well, he always had good timing.

Sam, he's right next door picking out CDs.

Go catch him before he buys "The Best Of Bread."

Hey, you know what, that's a great idea,

except... he hates me.

Sam, he doesn't hate you any more than you hate him.

Grace, I don't hate him.

I love him.

I miss him.

Okay, he hates you a little more than you hate him.

But one of you has to make the first move.

It could be either one...

as long as it's you.

You know, Grace, I can't.

I gotta-- I gotta go meet an-- an architect

in about ten minutes, but I would love

to talk to you about this. I'm staying at The Mercer.

Sam: Uh, will you please call me?

Do you want me to tell Will anything?

Tell him...

Tell him his brother misses him.

[theme music]

[instrumental music]

[sighs] Where are the measuring spoons?

- You know what? - Hmm?

Maybe you want to put down your little sippy cup

and help me make Jack's cake.

Well, honey, all you had to do was ask.

I'm happy to help.

Rosario?

Yeah.

Hi, honey.

Listen, I'm gonna need you to make

one of your seven-layer cakes for tomorrow. Mm-hmm.

And keep an eye on the kids.

The fat one's gonna go right for the bowl.

Yeah. Okay, hola.

Baking is fun. [chuckles]

- Hey. - Hi.

What'd you end up getting Jack?

I've narrowed it down to something

spandex with padding.

So we're gonna get him Richard Simmons?

Oh, my God.

Do you know what he would love?

Oh, what is that deal down in the Mediterranean,

where you can charter a yacht with another couple for a week?

You know, a seven-person crew.

They take you up the Italian Riviera.

Oh, what is the name of that boat?

Oh, I know. The SS Lower Your Dosage.

What are you guys doing up here?

We're making a cake from scratch.

And I helped. [chuckles]

- Hey, I've got some big news. - Yeah?

Remember when you selfishly bailed on me at the store

and left me to buy a birthday present

for you to give your friend?

Yeah, that was right after I thoughtfully

split up the workload, so you could make

your manicure on time.

Yeah, it was right about that time.

Anyway, 30 seconds after you left...

Sam Truman walks up to me.

Ooh, old lover?

Sam Truman?

My brother.

So... no?

- Will, he really misses you. - Mmm, I'll bet.

I'm gonna change, and go to the gym.

- Maybe you should call him. - Hey, maybe I shouldn't.

Will, call your brother.

You know, Michael Corleone forgave Fredo.

Yeah, that was right before he had him

taken out to the lake and shot.

Yeah, but the important thing is he forgave him.

No, I think the important thing to Fredo

was that he got shot.

Go back to your baking.

Ugh!

This is so stupid.

Five years ago, Will told Sam he hated

the woman he was gonna marry,

and as a result, Sam cut Will out of his life completely.

And-- and they were...

they were so close.

And now, finally, finally Sam seems ready--

Honey, honey... I barely care about Will.

Can you imagine how I feel about the brother?

[sighs]

Damn it, honey,

I was hoping there'd be at least one straight guy here tonight

in case these puppies accidentally fall out.

Whoops! Woo! [laughs]

Party's goin' pretty well, huh?

Yeah.

[sighs] I love surprises.

You love surprises too, don't you?

- Surprisingly no. - Really?

I love them.

It's like these little mini-quiches.

They look like they're gonna be bland, and then...

surprise, jalapeno.

Now, that's surprising.

- Here, put these on the table. - Alright.

[knocking on door]

Will, door, prontito.

Let's see, we got the cop, the cowboy, the Indian.

This has gotta be the construction worker.

- Sam. - Will.

Grace?

Surprise!

[instrumental music]

So, you're just gonna hide in here all night?

Will: I'm not hiding.

Thought Jack's party would be a good time

to weed out my tie collection.

Will.

Will: Pick the one you want to be strangled with.

Hugo Boss is kinda nice.

- Grace? - Will, I had to do something.

You guys are gentiles.

This could go on for 40 years.

Will, he's here.

He obviously wants to make up.

Just go out there and settle it.

Gee, Grace, you're right.

Maybe after, we can swing by the Middle East

and clear up that whole mess with a big group hug.

Well, even they called a truce every so often.

You know, to hide the nerve gas.

Will, every family has problems.

You have to work through.

I mean, don't you think the Kennedys had words

when Maria married the Terminator?

I don't really think they care who the girls marry.

Will, you were so close.

I bet you can't even remember how it all started.

Five years ago, June 24th, mid-afternoon.

He asked me what I honestly thought of his girlfriend.

I said, "She's morose and controlling and icy."

He said, "Too bad, I'm marrying her."

I said, "I don't think that's a very good idea."

He was wearing a blue shirt. I was wearing the jeans--

Alright, so you have a vague recollection.

[sighs] But, Will, he's here.

- You owe it to him. - I owe it...

He is the one that cut me out of his life.

You know, he-- he-- he's the one that-- that-- that leaves

the family Christmas at 3:00

when he knows I'm showing up at 4:00.

I have a nephew that I have never met.

Do you know what that feels like?

Well, I got Jack his celebrity.

Leslie Uggams just arrived.

Grace, I don't want to see Sam.

I don't want to talk to Sam.

Okay, Leslie Uggams just left.

- So, you're gonna stay here? - Yup.

- Not gonna give him a chance? - Nope.

Even if this is the last time

this opportunity presents itself?

Yup.

Wow.

You know what my Aunt Pesha would say

if she were in this room right now?

"Why the hell did my parents name me Pesha?"

No.

She would say...

What was she, a Yiddish mime?

- You didn't say anything! - Oh, I said plenty.

I just gave you the Eye of Shame.

- Oh, Grace. The-- - Hey, hey, hey!

Don't push Pesha!

Talk to the eye.

Okay, I think he's softening.

He just needs a little more time.

You can hang out for like... a year, right?

Hmm. He got mom's stubbornness.

And I got dad's... stubbornness.

You know, if you were a functional family--

We'd be on display at "Ripley's Believe It Or Not."

The three of you...

you, Will and Ginny, would sit down

in a room and just, and just hash it out.

I don't think that's gonna happen.

Ginny and I are getting a divorce.

That's fantastic!

Oh, no, no. I mean, that's awful. I'm sorry.

It's just-- it's just, that's your way in with Will.

You gotta tell him.

[glass clinking]

Okay, could I have everybody's attention?

I thought it would be fun if people came up

and made a toast to the man of the hour.

So, who wants to say a few words about Jack?

Come on, queens are better to open.

Oh, alright, I'll start.

Uh, hmm.

Oh, okay.

Say it's 12:45 and one of your

real girlfriends cancels for lunch.

Well, there is nobody, and I do mean nobody...

who can fill in like Jack.

Honey, if catty were a perfume, you'd reek of it.

I love ya, honey. I do.

I love ya.

Okay, who's next?

I'll be next.

Jack, I-- I joke with you a lot.

I call you names.

Names like Nelly,

Mary, Tinkerbell. [chuckles]

Fembot, Ally McHomo.

Get to the good stuff or get off the stage.

Well, I love you, Jack.

I don't tell you that enough. You're like...

Well, truth be told, you're like the brother I never had.

And what do you know, the brother I never had

is here tonight!

Will: But see, unlike him,

you'd never cut me out of your life

or split up my family.

So here's to you, Jack. Happy birthday.

What the hell kind of a toast was that?

Will, Will, Look, Ginny and I

are getting a divorce.

That's too bad, Sam. You guys deserved each other.

That's it. I'm out of here.

- I tried. - Sam, where are you going?

- I'm leaving. - Why?

Why? Didn't you hear what he just said?

Oh, oh, no, [chuckles] that was just his way

of-- of reaching out.

Yeah, well, this is my way of staying.

Bye.

No, Sam. Come on, come on.

It took you five years to get here,

and you're-- you're only 15 feet apart.

That's like three feet a year.

Merchant Ivory films move faster than that.

Look, Grace, he obviously doesn't want to talk to me.

No, you're wrong.

In his bedroom, he said more than anything else,

he wants to resolve this.

He actually said that?

'Cause resolve and revolver sound a lot alike.

I'm pretty sure he said resolve.

Please, Sam.

- Please try. - I don't know, Grace.

Okay, okay. Who could say no to the Eye of Shame?

Thank you!

[instrumental music]

That's it. Can you feel that?

Hi, lovers.

I love you all like lovers.

Really.

I love you and you and you and...

You, I don't know, but I could definitely see loving you.

[growls]

[laughs]

But most of all, I love love. I do.

Sometimes I love love so much,

I wish I could take it to Vegas for a really naughty weekend.

Jack: Thank you, thank you.

But what makes today particularly

special for me is the fact...

Will: I don't care who you're divorcing,

it doesn't change the fact that you cut me off!

Sam: Well, I'm here now! At least I'm making an effort!

Okay, eyes back to me, okay?

29 years ago, I was...

Sam: You called her a cold-hearted bitch!

Will: You're my brother, what was I supposed to do, lie?

Hey, hey! Pay no attention to the brats behind the curtain!

So today I turn 29, which is so unlike me. [chuckles]

I mean, it's...

Will: Oh, that's a load of crap and you know it!

Sam: How long are you gonna hold this against me?

It kinda makes you think, doesn't it?

What have I done with my life?

Where have I been?

Where do I want to go?

Well, I have all the answers,

and I have written them down in the form of a poem.

Shut up!

[clears throat] "'Twas a starlit night in '69,

"when a boy named Jack arrived divine.

"So, nibble your cheese and sip your wine,

for today dear Jack turns 29."

Honey, if you were born in '69, you're 30.

No, I'm...

Okay, good.

I think we're making progress.

We've moved way past the Ginny incident

into some very old issues.

We've heard about Will

getting the better bike.

Sam, getting the bigger room.

Both of you liking Susie Borgeson.

And I think we all agree that one's moot.

So now, I'm going to take a break,

because my throat's a little dry.

And I'm gonna let you guys take it from here.

No fighting.

No biting.

Just talk.

Relate.

Ay, goyim.

[telephone rings]

Hello?

Whoa-whoa-whoa, Jack.

Jack, slow down.

I know. I know it's hard, but you are.

You... Buddy, trust me, you're 30.

Hey, cut off your arm and count the rings.

You're 30.

Alright, I-- I, I'm on my way over.

- Is he okay? - Oh, he's talking crazy.

Using words like irritable bowel

and steady job.

I better get over there.

[clears throat]

Will.

Sam, it was...

- It was good to see you. - Yeah, it was.

Make a plan.

Uh, so, Will, maybe...

we'll see each other while I'm in town.

Yeah.

- I'll call your hotel. - Yeah, good.

Hey, you okay?

Yeah.

I know I threatened to strangle you with a tie,

but, uh...

I'm glad you made this happen.

I aim to meddle.

Oh, my God. This place is a mess.

Maybe we should just move.

Well, I kind of like what you've got goin' on here,

sort of early American frat house.

[chuckles]

- Want some help? - Uh, no. It's okay.

Well, I'm gonna go.

I'm really glad you made this happen. Thanks.

Me too.

It's-- it's, it's really good seeing you again, Sam.

Good to see you too, Grace.