Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

I just met the cutest guy...

at the video store, shamelessly flirting with me.

Through his girlfriend, but I picked up on it.

- What movie did you get? - "Star Wars."

Oh, again?

Jack, I'm dreaming of Jabba the Hutt.

That's 'cause you live with him.

Anyways, I'm collecting data to put on the Internet.

The world should know the truth about C-3PO.

Jack, C-3PO is not gay, he's British.

[imitating C-3PO] Oh, R-2. Come back here. My circuits burn for you.

You really should get another hobby besides outing robots.

He thinks every robot is gay.

Uh, hello? "Lost In Space?"

"Danger, danger, Will Robinson."

Big space queen.

[telephone rings]

- Oh, I'll get it. - No.

We're screeners.

You don't screen when I call, do you?

- No. - Mmm, no, no.

Grace: Hi, we're not in. Leave a message at the tone.

[phone beeps]

Bobbi: Hi, Grace.

You should change your message.

Have a little fun, like

♪ We're Will and Grace

♪ And we're not home

♪ So leave a message on the phone ♪

♪ Scooba-doo-biz-ah-doo-wah oh yeah ♪♪

[laughing] Oh, I just made that up.

Anyhoo, I'm coming to the Grand Apple for a few days...

It's the Big Apple.

Bobbi: I'll see you when I get in, honey. Bye.

[beeps]

Who the hell was that nut?

That nut was my mother.

[imitating C-3PO] Danger, danger, Grace Adler.

[theme music]

[instrumental music]

Will, let's go over it again.

Gracie, I think you're ready.

Will, my mother's coming in without

my father, a.k.a. the buffer.

I need to be prepared.

Okay, mother shield up.

Judgment deflector activated.

[sighs] Fire away.

[imitating Bobbi] Honey, I'm just so thrilled

about you and your little pillow store

but did I tell you the "Schenectady Times" said that

my performance in "Rent" stole the show!

[laughing]

Well, I'm not surprised.

I mean, look at you, mom.

You were born to play an adolescent struggling

with homelessness and heroin addiction.

[chuckles] And uh, by the way

that little pillow store

is actually a thriving enterprise that--

Hey, hey, you're getting a very high hostility reading.

[imitating Geiger counter]

God, oh, God. I'm goin' down.

She-- she-- she's gonna nail me.

I could... I bet you, within the first five seconds,

she's gonna be all over my--

- Hair? Nails? - No. No.

- Clothes? - Okay.

This is a little too much fun for you.

- Love life? - No, stop it!

She's gonna say that I'm ruining my life,

that I'm never gonna meet anyone

because I'm living with a gay guy.

A gay guy? Is he cute?

Not at the moment.

[knock on door]

Okay, deep breath. Chin up.

You always part your hair like that?

I'm kidding, the hair is good. The hair is good.

♪ You'll be swell

♪ You'll be great

♪ You can have the whole world on a plate ♪♪

Will, I think my mother's here.

Come on, darling. Give mother a hug.

- Hi, mom. - Mmm, you look gorgeous.

Change the shoes.

Shoes? How could I miss that?

Is it my imagination,

or do you get handsomer and handsomer?

Mm. Well, it's true.

I get handsomer by the minute.

I've got time-lapse photos that would amaze you.

Grace, Grace, how do you like my new suit?

Look, look, look, no panty line,

because no panties.

Oh, there was just no preparing for that one.

[instrumental music]

Mini muffins. They think they're so cute.

Hmm. Someone sent those to the house for Rosario,

but she's in the hospital having her stomach stapled, so...

I don't think she'll be needing them.

Your maid is having her stomach stapled?

No, honey, I'm having her stomach stapled.

♪ Good morning good morning ♪

Come on, girls. Jump in.

Ma, there's no singing here.

♪ It's great to stay up late ♪

♪ Good morning good morning to you ♪

♪ Woo

[laughing]

Mmm, honey, I love you.

Oh, honey, so do I.

Oh, let's go shopping.

We'll spend your dowry.

Might as well put it to some use.

[laughing] Alright.

Okay, mom, but before we go, get it out.

What?

What you've been dying to tell me

ever since you got here.

Oh, let's see, I did the, uh,

I did the office, I did the shoes. What'd I leave out?

Oh, um, hair, makeup, combination skin...

Hello? You work for me.

That's what I'm doin', honey.

Honey, just tell me what you want me

to criticize, and I'll do it.

I want you to be happy.

[laughs] Okay, mom, uh,

you want to tell me that I should get my own place

because I'm wasting my life

and my time living with a gay man,

so, come on, tell me.

And why would I say that? Will's great.

I think you should live with Will as long as you want.

Okay, I don't know what kind of sick game

you're playing, lady, but I want no part of it.

There is no game, dear. I love Will.

As a matter of fact, what would really make me happy

is that the two of you got married.

[laughing] I'd like to see that one.

Wait, wait. What? Mom? Mom, Will is gay.

Oh, I know that. I'm in the theater.

That's why it's so perfect.

You know, how long do you think

the "sex" thing is going to last?

Hmm? You see, the best relationship ends up

like the two of you are now, good friends.

So jump in. I think a June wedding.

I'd like to go strapless.

Well, that would certainly fit in with no panties.

- Mom, you're insane. - Why?

You know, I-- I think that you may even have

topped the time that you came on

to my prom date as Zsa Zsa Gabor.

Oh, but darling, I adored his ruffled shirt.

Ladies and gentlemen,

fresh from 45 minutes of butt-robics, I give you...

my ass.

You must be Jack.

And you must be Bobbi Adler? Of course.

Fabuloso Jewess from Schenectady. Loving you!

Loving your whole tribe. Come here.

- Oh! - Gimme a kiss.

Oh, well, we'll start with that.

Anybody want to touch, feel, poke? Caress?

Only if I can get a Silkwood scrub-down afterwards.

I'll take a shot.

Oh, you've done this before, haven't you?

Okay, that just bought me five years on the couch.

Come on, honey, we'll go shopping,

and we'll get you a nice yellow blouse, on me.

And since I hate yellow, that's exactly

where it'll end up. On you.

Ooh, free food.

Well, thank God they're gone.

Listen, Jack, I need to talk to you about somethin'.

It's kind of important.

I'm all ears... and one high butt.

Yeah.

Well, actually, it's kind of a funny story.

A few weeks ago, it was Stan's birthday,

and I forgot to get him a present.

[sighs] I mean, how am I supposed to remember something like that?

Right.

Anyway, long story short, I think I might be pregnant.

[laughs] Oh...

Oh, Karen, I-- I...

hope you don't forget my birthday.

[instrumental music]

Okay, boys, last card.

Down and dirty.

And feel free to come down and get me dirty sometime.

[chuckles]

Hah! Gin!

Well, I'll be darned, that is gin.

It's too bad the rest of us are playing poker.

Yeah, that is too bad.

[laughing]

No, Karen, we're all playing poker, even you.

Wow. The gays really love their rules.

What do you got, Jack?

One pair of fabulous cheeks.

[laughs]

Oh, I got nothin'.

Well, read 'em and weep, ladies.

Full house, aces over tens.

Oh, poor little old me, and all I have is these little twos.

- Oh. - Four of these little twos.

Mother... Adler wins again.

Well, I think I'm gonna have a drink. Who's with me?

Martini, honey. And don't waste any space with those olives.

Hang on. She'll have a ginger ale.

Karen, we talked about this.

[imitating crying baby]

Jack, I don't even know if I'm... yet.

Well, when are you gonna take the...

Look, Mummenschanz,

I don't want to take that test, okay?

[whispers] Honey, have you found yourself in a family way?

Oh, no, no, no.

But I think I might be pregnant.

Hi. Sorry I'm late.

Yeah, join the club.

You know, honey, I think I liked you better

with your hair straighter.

Ching, ching. Right off the mom shield.

Miss Kitty there is winning back your college tuition.

Oh, honey, would you tell him about the time

I played poker with that Neil Farber

and left him nothing but his skivvies.

She left Neil Farber with nothing but his skivvies.

Okay, everyone, up to speed on that one? Good.

Oh, by the way, Will.

Guess what Mrs. Bobbi Adler,

the loin of my fruits,

suggested to me this afternoon?

Um, "Stop calling me the loin of your fruits?"

No, honey. She said that you and Grace should get married.

[laughs]

Grace and me?

Married.

It was just a suggestion.

I think it's a wonderful idea.

She'll make such a beautiful bride.

Grace, you'll look pretty, too.

Karen: Oh! [laughing]

Yeah, this would be us three weeks in.

- Honey, I'm having an affair. - Me too.

- His name is Donald. - Me too!

[laughter]

Can't you just hear it? "Will, you may now kiss the beard."

I mean, it's so absurd.

Even if I was straight, I wouldn't marry Grace.

[laughing]

[instrumental music]

What did Will mean by that?

I mean, if I were gay, I would marry him.

I mean, if I were a gay man...

and I lived in Amsterdam, or ancient Greece.

And... You know what I mean.

Well, honey, maybe you're just needy.

You see, when you're with a man,

what you need to do is to find out what he--

Oh, no, no, no.

- He-- he-- - Thank you.

Anything but relationship advice from you.

- Why? - Ladies.

Are you ready to order?

Uh, I'm not-- I'm not eating.

And your sister?

Sister? [laughs]

Well, honey, I mean, I love you.

I'll have an order of you to go.

[laughs]

Why don't I give you ladies a few minutes to decide.

Alright, that's cute, cute.

Why won't I take your advice? That's why.

Well, what was I gonna do, dear? Ignore him?

He was flirting with me. It's my youthful skin.

It's the only thing that

dreadful grandmother of yours gave me.

Mom? Mom, what I-- what I'm

trying to say to you is that

[sighs] you always need to be the center of attention,

in-- in a restaurant, in your marriage,

you always have to be the star.

God cast me in the role.

You know, Will has a theory about relationships.

One person is the gardener, who tends,

and the other person is the flower,

who gets tended to and, mom,

I say this with love, you're a big stinkin' rose.

Sorry, ladies. My turn to be late.

No, you're just in time. My daughter's hating me for lunch.

- Ah. - I don't hate you.

I hate you.

This is gonna be a pleasant lunch.

What's everybody having?

I'm not eating,

my mother's having the snapper,

and why the hell wouldn't you marry me?

Can I, at least, have a bread stick first?

Why wouldn't you marry me?

You're just not my type of woman.

Okay, I prefer someone taller

and, uh, with a hairy chest.

[laughs]

It's funny.

Well, ignore me. Keep going.

You said specifically

that if you were straight, you wouldn't marry me,

and I'm just curious as to why, huh?

- Why, huh? Why, huh? - Alright...

I'm not gonna talk to you when you're like this, okay?

Okay, okay. You're right, you're right.

I'm, I-- I-- I'm just overreacting.

But look, I really think it would be good

for me to know, so, so please, tell me.

It's nothing.

It's nothing to do with our relationship.

It has more to do with the way you are with your boyfriends.

Do you really want to discuss this in front of your mother?

Oh, please, I used to take her temperature in the tushy.

Nothing shocks me.

Just ignore me. Go, go, go.

- How am I with my boyfriends? - Oh, you know how you are.

Will, obviously, I don't. How am I? Will?

Okay, you have a tendency...

You kind of need to be the star of your relationships.

You know, I mean, it-- it's all about your stuff.

Your boyfriends are like gardeners,

and-- and you're sort of like--

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Do not call me a flower. I am not a flower.

I am a gardener, damn it.

I do plenty of hoeing.

That's just what a mother likes to hear.

Okay, okay. You know what? You know what?

I think I am just, I am done with this-- this lovely lunch.

I do not have to sit here and be criticized

and insulted by my best friend.

That is why my mother is in town.

Grace, you asked me a question.

You are describing the wrong person at this table.

I-- I, I am giving and nurturing

and-- and loving and selfless with my boyfriends.

I, Will Truman, am no star.

[instrumental music]

[alarm dings] Oh.

Oh, that's 15 minutes.

Yeah. So, uh,

if the stick is blue, we're pregnant.

Okay.

Well, nothin' doin' on mine. Karen?

Well, nothing here, either.

Well, thank God for that. Oh.

- You okay? - Okay?

Oh, honey, I'm relieved.

I can't have a kid right now. We just recarpeted.

Well, you know, I knew there'd be nothing on mine.

I mean, I'm not insane.

It's just...

Still, I'm a little... sad.

Oh, honey. Well, here, take my platinum.

Charge yourself a little happy.

No, thanks. I think I'm just gonna hit the gym

and work out some of these feelings... and my delts.

Uh, don't hate me for doing this, but...

I love you.

Hello, Stan?

Hi. Put your kids on, I want to talk to them.

Yes, I'm serious!

[instrumental music]

Grace: April 16th, 1980.

Dear Diary. Well, tonight was really my night.

Adam and I won best couple at the Hawthorne Junior High prom.

Adam looked like Adam, but everyone said

I looked like Debbie Harry,

only prettier and with red hair.

How psyched am I?

Ew.

June 5th, 1995.

Tonight was really my night.

Danny got promoted to vice president

of his investment firm.

At the company dinner, everyone told him

how lucky he is to have a girlfriend like me.

[chuckles] I'm so proud of him.

I love the dress that I wore.

And my new shoes, ooh la la.

How did I get like this?

Well, tonight was really my night.

I was walking down Columbus,

and these kids were shooting a commercial

about, I don't know what.

It was juice or pants or something.

Anyway, they put me in it. Your mother's gonna be on TV.

[laughs] They even gave me a line

"It's chew-rrific."

I'm guessing it wasn't pants.

Look, Grace, I know that you've been sitting in here

ever since lunch, scared to death about turning into me.

No.

I already know I'm you.

What I'm scared of is...

[sighs] what that means

for my romantic life.

I mean, I can't even get a gay guy

to hypothetically marry me.

Let me tell you something, dear.

I joke about your father, but I love him.

You can ask him any time, day and night,

who is the love of his life,

and he'll say, "I married her."

"And move over, you're blockin' the TV."

Maybe you just got really lucky.

No. No, I'm not lucky. I'm terrific.

And you're terrific, Grace.

Oh, honey, you are a wonderful woman.

Tsk. Grace, embrace who you are.

Mmm. Mmm.

I'm sorry, I must be in the wrong apartment.

What's going on?

What's the matter with you, Will?

How could you not marry my daughter?

Um, I'm gay?

Well, that's not the point.

Where else could you be lucky enough

to find a girl like this?

Because gardener, flower, star, co-star,

call it whatever you want to, it works for us Adler girls.

Mmmwah!

- Oh, oh, okay, mom. - Oh, dear. Uh-oh, oh...

- In the hair. In the hair. - I'm sorry, sorry.

I'm sorry, darling.

Oh, well, I'm late for my manicure.

We'll meet for dinner at 8:00.

Oh, reminds me of a song!

♪ She gets too hungry for dinner at eight ♪♪