All language subtitles for Will & Grace (1998) - S01E12 - My Fair Maid-y 1080p WEBDL h264 AAC 2.0

So I go back in the
bookstore this morning

and I just ask him out.

Good for you, Jack,
you actually got a date

without the use of a modem and
the cyber name "Butt Masterson."

At least I'm using
my hard drive, Celibizia.

No, it's kind
of romantic though.

Our hands touched
as we reached for a copy of

"The Making Of Beaches."

Holy dirty apartment, Fatman!

Yeah. Amazing, isn't it?

You can practically
feel the presence

of Fred Sanford
hovering above us.

[imitating "Sanford And Son"
theme song]

Shut up, dummy!

So what happened in here?
Did Grace explode?

No. It's the annual
Sublime Design Showcase.

Interior designers display
their work for all these

big design critics
and basically they decide

who's hot and who's not.
It's insanely competitive.

Every year she takes
a stab at it and never wins.

She's the Susan Lucci
of the design world.

So we need to be
really sensitive to that, okay?

You know, I can't...
There's no...

It won't...

I'm sleeping!

Wake me... never!

Looks like it's gonna be another
disappointing year for La Lucci.

[chuckles]

[theme music]

[instrumental music]

Oh, good! You're back!
Here, smell this.

Grace: Stinks, doesn't it?

Yeah, you were probably riding
up in the elevator thinking,

"What died?"
Well, don't worry.

It's just my creativity rotting
and stinking in my skull.

So you've had coffee?

Then I started poppin' NoDoz.

Now I'm hating myself
really fast.

Yeah. So I'm guessing

the chocolate covered
espresso beans were a bad idea.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no. Give that to me.

Maybe I can get so speedy,
I'll actually go back in time.

You know, to when
I was actually good.

Grace, look at this.
This is good.

Oh... horrible.

But you know what?

I think I have finally
pinpointed my problem.

- I suck.
- Grace!

You know how to do this.

Yeah, when I am helping other
people realize what they want.

But when it's just me, nothing.

I mean, I-- I mean,
I'm like one of those weird fish

that you always see swimming
next to the ass of a shark.

That almost worked, didn't it?

No, I... You were going for
a whole parasite thing.

I was with you.

The point is I have no vision.

Grace, you have vision. Are you
so blind you can't see that?

Hiya. I'm-- I'm April.
The service sent me.

- Oh, great. I-- I'm Will.
- Hi.

And, uh, that mess over there
is Grace.

- Uh-huh.
- Grace?

This is gonna cheer you up.

A short brunette woman?

Come on, Will,
I tried that in college.

Remember, it really
wasn't my thing.

Well, I hope you have
your own cleaning supplies

'cause I'm not packin'.

- It's little industry joke.
- Oh.

That's a little industry laugh.

Uh... under the sink.

- Huh?
- Will, what is this?

I got you a cleaning woman.

I know you can only work

when-- when things are
neat and clean and orderly.

Uh, no, Anal Annie, that's you!

It's gonna blow my vibe having
someone puttering around

while I'm trying to work.

Excuse me, wh-- what vibe
are we blowing here?

I mean, you-- you've been up for
three days, and all you've drawn

is an outline of your hand,

made into a turkey.

It was supposed to be cow.

- See, I told you I suck!
- No, honey, it's...

Look, see, it's a cow.
It's a...

Will: Alright, look,
I've gotta go.

She'll do her thing, she'll stay
out of your way,

you do yours and-- and
if you hit a rough spot,

just, it's easy, just think
of your mother's taste,

you know,
and then go the other way.

Uh, excuse me, this was
crumbled up on the floor.

You didn't want to
throw this out, did you?

Oh, uh, that's just, um,
that's garbage.

- Oh, really?
- Mmm-hmm.

Looks pretty good to me.
What is it?

It's a meditation room.

It was an early, tragic idea.

No, actually,
the pop-up bidet was tragic.

This is just bad.

Bad, bad, bad.

- Oh, God.
- Hey, hey. Come on, get up.

Let me show you something
I learned in the Coast Guard.

- Come on. Up, up, up.
- No, no.

No, no, no. Come on, get up.

Shh.

First, you close your eyes.

Then you get to
a really quiet place.

Breathe in.

[inhales]

Calm and serene.

You're peaceful.

And let it out. Agh!

[screams]

You know, when we met
at the bookstore,

I-- I have to say I-- I
would never have guessed

that you were a lawyer.

Probably 'cause
I look so young. Oh. [laughs]

Actually, I passed the bar
the first time I took it,

and, um, funny story,
John-John was taking it

the same day I was.

[whispers]
For the third time.

And wh-- what do you know,
I mean, he just sits right down

next to me,
and this time he passes.

Ah, I'm not gonna say
anything else.

You're a smart guy, Alex.
You connect the dots.

So, what kind of law
do you practice?

I don't practice,
I just do, uh...

But I don't want
to talk about me anymore.

You're out of order.
[laughs]

- So how's grad school?
- Oh, you know it's not bad.

I mean, I'm working
on my dissertation,

and every now and then
I get to meet

a cute intellectual type
at a bookstore.

You do? Oh, me.
Oh, I'm sorry.

Of course, me the brainiac.

Smarties love to staple.

- Excuse me?
- Will, you're here.

Uh, well, it's about time.
You call yourself an assistant?

Actually, no.

Well, I wouldn't either,
uh, given the way

you just abandoned
the phones like that.

Alex, this is
my assistant, Will.

Will, I'm a lawyer,
and this is Alex.

- From the bookstore?
- Oh, hi, Alex.

Sorry, I'm late,
Lawyer McFarland.

Uh, the sign on front
with your name on it

must have fallen down.

I've been looking everywhere
for it.

Right, uh,
get that fixed immediately.

Gotta give him somethin' to do.
[chuckles]

Okay, uh, Alex, will you give me
and Will a minute, please?

- We gotta go over some, uh--
- Torts?

Uh, no, thanks.
We're gonna go for Chinese.

You know, I'll-- I'll just,
I'll wait out front.

- Nice to meet you, Will.
- You too.

Okay, okay, I'm sorry. Please
don't be mad, don't be mad.

Just listen, I had to tell him
I was something.

I mean, he calls me today
and wants to meet me

in my office for lunch,
how hot is that?

Must be nice
to have finally met someone

that likes you
for who you are.

Yeah, it's nice, but listen,

please don't say anything.
I promise I'll tell him.

I've just got to
find the right moment.

Oh, maybe during lunch,
you know, when he finds out that

McFarland can't afford the
McNuggets because he's a McLiar.

- I hate myself.
- Of course you do, honey.

How could anybody be happy
in bar mitzvah ruffles?

Why don't you run home
and change, hmm?

I think we'll both feel better.

I'm gonna have a quick cry
in the swatch room.

Honey, you still test driving
those antidepressants?

'Cause I think it's time to buy.

Um, am-- am I in the right
place, Grace Adler Designs?

Right place, wrong outfit.
What's it all about, honey?

What's...

Well, I'm-- I'm-- I'm April,
Grace's cleaning lady.

Cleaning... honey.

We shouldn't be talking.
Get to work.

Start with
that big table there.

There's a phone
in there somewhere.

It's been ringin' all mornin'.
It's driving me nuts.

April, what are you doing here?

Oh, you didn't
leave the key for me.

- Oh, gosh. Sorry. Here it is.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

What are you doin'?
You're giving the maid a key?

You're gonna be buying
your jewelry back from hobos.

[sighs]

Karen, why don't you
go to lunch?

Well, honey, it's 10 o'clock
in the morning.

In Boston.

[laughs]
Honey, that is so... eh, okay.

Oh, great,
you're working on that piece

you threw out yesterday.

Yup, seeing if I can
make it worse. I think I did it.

Yup, designed a meditation room
that could move

the Dalai Lama
to bitchslap Richard Gere.

Yawn.

- Excuse me?
- You're boring.

I hate people
getting down on themselves.

[sighs] Well, you would get down
on yourself too if you had a--

If what? If, uh,
if I had your talent? Unh-unh.

When I'd get down on myself,
my mom had this saying

that always made me feel better.

Let me,
let me see how she put it.

Let me see
if I can get it right. Agh!

Your mother wasn't Sam Kinison
by any chance, was she?

Well, what does it say
on your door?

It doesn't say
"Grace Adler Whines"

it says "Grace Adler Designs"

so, so quit beating yourself up
and just do it.

- But I can't--
- Do it! Do it!

Okay, okay.

You know, Mary Poppins
got the same message across,

but she did it in a
nice little musical number.

You're like...

You're like a spoonful
of whoop-ass.

You know what I can do?

I could
add the element of scent,

an aroma therapy machine
that would...

Tsk, stupid.
People will think...

[imitating a buzzer]

I'm brilliant.

God, can't we just
trade her in for a buzzer?

Morning, ladies... Karen.

Okay, you bring April to work
once, I can accept that.

Twice, no problem.
I can fold my own socks.

But five days a week?

Grace, I've got mold
on my shower curtain

that is, that is in escrow.

Will, I can't explain it,
but whenever she's around,

I-- I get
the most amazing ideas.

Will, you have
to trust me on this.

I can't do this without her.

Le-- let me get this straight,
you can't design

without our maid?

- Exactly.
- Yeah, no.

I-- I've heard about this.
It's called the Hazel Syndrome.

They'll explain it
all to you

in the nervous hospital,
Blanche.

"Yeah, these fingernails
will have to be trimmed."

You're a brilliant designer.
Why do you need this?

I just do. Why can't you be a
little more supportive about it?

Okay, here's me
being supportive.

Grace, you're a little...
[whistles]

Okay?

You're relying on our maid
to do your job.

I mean, di-- did
Mr. Brady ask Alice

to help with the architecture?

I've got your number, sister.

I've seen "All About Eve."

- Who?
- "Poor Eve."

Yeah, that's right, go ahead.

Play the poor, naive little maid
with the heart of gold.

But I've got Grace's back!

Trust me,

you're not going to
win the Tony in this version.

I don't know
what you're talking about?

- I just want to help Grace.
- Oh.

[sighs]
You're good.

Get up, get up, get up, get up!

- He's gonna be here any minute.
- Who?

Don't play games with me!

Alex. Come on, Will,
he's the one.

I'm sure of it this time.

I thought Robert was the one.

Robert was cute.
I should call him.

Get up, get up, get up, get up!

Look, I-- I thought
you were gonna tell Alex

that you are not a lawyer.

I lied. Forgive me.
I was in character.

- Why I should I do this?
- Look at me, Will.

Think of how many
funny little Jack stories

you can spin out of this
predicament.

This is grade-A fodder
for a bitch like you.

Have a seat, boss.

- Okay, how do I look?
- Great.

Who'd have thought that you
could put clothes on that fast?

Amazing.

Excuse me, Mr. Lawyer,
is this your bike lock?

Excuse me,
but can I just be alone

in my office
for a minute, please?

Sure. No, I just thought, you
know, with your bike lock here

and your bike out there,
as a good assistant,

I should mention that.

Damn it!

Oh! Alex! Kill time!

So much fodder, so little time.

Alex, come on in.
Jack's just locking up a deal.

He'll be-- he'll be back in.

So, what's, uh,
Jack like as a boss?

Imperious.

Very much the queen bee.

Oh, Alex, what a surprise.

Uh, I'm a little
out of breath.

- Oh? Hung jury?
- You're a pig, get out.

Oh, the pants,
uh, yeah, I'm just, uh,

running from case to case.
[chuckles]

- So, how you doin'?
- I'm okay.

Great, let me
just check my call sheet

and we'll grab
a little lunch.

Actually, I-- I just want
to talk to you.

Uh, listen, Jack.
You-- you're a great guy, but--

I'm getting the
great-guy-but speech, huh?

It's just that you and I
are in such different places

in our lives.

I mean, I-- I'm
kinda lost and-- and aimless.

I've a-- I've got a new job
every couple of weeks.

I mean, you're like this
buttoned up professional

stable, mature,
goal-oriented, responsible.

Oh, no. I'm not a lawyer,
I'm a liar.

Jack,
it's not gonna work out.

Alright, I see, uh, then I-- I
think you should go.

I've got a lot on my plate
right now,

and I'd probably break
your heart anyway.

Uh, listen, one more thing,
I mean, it's a little awkward,

but, um, I wonder if you could
fix me up with your assistant?

My as... Will? No--

Well, I mean, he-- he just
seems a little lost like me,

and I... I kinda like that.

He's straight.

Where is she? Where is April?

"Poor Eve."

Would you stop doing that?

She knows it's this evening.

Where could she be?

I can't say that I'm surprised.

I mean, you can take the maid
out of the house,

but you can't take the...

Karen, if-- if this is
you helping, stop helping.

I...

You know what those rocks need?

A little scotch.

Listen, Grace, I,
I just wanted to point out

that after all of your
"April this" and "April that"

who is here for you
in your hour of need? Me. Huh?

And who will
always be there for you?

Huh, what? Oh?
Oh, yeah, it's me.

Thank you, Karen.
I really appreciate it.

Anyway, look, I gotta run.
I got a salt scrub in an hour.

[scoffs]

This is wrong. It's all wrong.

And you,
you are so wrong there.

Talking to pillows, Grace?

Wow, you're like the-- the

Dr. Dolittle of furniture.
What are you doing?

We had five different options
for a floor plan.

April was supposed to be here
early so we could agree on one.

I've had to do it
all by myself, and look, look,

it's-- it's just, it's crap.

- It's fantastic.
- Oh, what do you know?

Well, maybe a little bit more
than the maid.

I am gay after all.

Okay, maybe I should try
the second choice.

Here, help me
move the Tansu chest.

No. Grace, what are you doing?
Just leave it.

It's gonna look better
over here.

Would you leave it
where it is?

Stop it!

Why do I feel like
I'm in a shooting gallery?

Ugh! Screens?
What was I thinking?

It's like a, it's like a bad
Chinese restaurant.

Okay, getting a little angry
here in the meditation room.

Is that what you were going for?

If you want to help me,

you will get April
on the phone.

Well, you can stop saying that
because she's not coming.

How do you know?

Because I paid her not to come.

- What?
- You don't need her, Grace.

You did this whole room
yourself.

You paid April not to come?

Oh, my...

Okay, Will, tell me.

How much does my public
humiliation go for these days?

Hundred bucks,
and a coupon for a free mop.

Look, you're being ridiculous.

She didn't do anything,
except go "Agh!"

Oh, don't you
dare mock the "Agh!"

I have no connection
to the "Agh!"

You resent the "Agh!"

- You fear the "Agh!"
- Okay, look.

I'm-- I'm gonna
stop doing this right now,

because frankly,
it's a little embarrassing.

You're brilliant. I've told you
this all week long,

but for whatever reason,
you won't listen to me.

Will, you are wrong!
This isn't good!

- Actually, he's right.
- Oh, who the hell are you?

I'm the design critic
from East Coast Living.

Welcome to my meditation space.

Well, congratulations.
You kicked boo-tay.

Say it, "I kicked boo-tay."

I kicked booty.

[laughs]

I think now I sense
you're going to thank me.

Uh, no, because actually,
I'm still mad at you.

No, correction, you want
to be mad at me, but you can't,

because A, I was right

but B, this meditation room
is just too good.

Peace. Oneness. Om.

Thank you.

- Om.
- Om.

Let's go home.

Why home?

There's a rock in my bum.

At least it's not your thumb.

Now it's going numb.