Original subtitles

So I go back in the bookstore this morning

and I just ask him out.

Good for you, Jack, you actually got a date

without the use of a modem and the cyber name "Butt Masterson."

At least I'm using my hard drive, Celibizia.

No, it's kind of romantic though.

Our hands touched as we reached for a copy of

"The Making Of Beaches."

Holy dirty apartment, Fatman!

Yeah. Amazing, isn't it?

You can practically feel the presence

of Fred Sanford hovering above us.

[imitating "Sanford And Son" theme song]

Shut up, dummy!

So what happened in here? Did Grace explode?

No. It's the annual Sublime Design Showcase.

Interior designers display their work for all these

big design critics and basically they decide

who's hot and who's not. It's insanely competitive.

Every year she takes a stab at it and never wins.

She's the Susan Lucci of the design world.

So we need to be really sensitive to that, okay?

You know, I can't... There's no...

It won't...

I'm sleeping!

Wake me... never!

Looks like it's gonna be another disappointing year for La Lucci.

[chuckles]

[theme music]

[instrumental music]

Oh, good! You're back! Here, smell this.

Grace: Stinks, doesn't it?

Yeah, you were probably riding up in the elevator thinking,

"What died?" Well, don't worry.

It's just my creativity rotting and stinking in my skull.

So you've had coffee?

Then I started poppin' NoDoz.

Now I'm hating myself really fast.

Yeah. So I'm guessing

the chocolate covered espresso beans were a bad idea.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no. Give that to me.

Maybe I can get so speedy, I'll actually go back in time.

You know, to when I was actually good.

Grace, look at this. This is good.

Oh... horrible.

But you know what?

I think I have finally pinpointed my problem.

- I suck. - Grace!

You know how to do this.

Yeah, when I am helping other people realize what they want.

But when it's just me, nothing.

I mean, I-- I mean, I'm like one of those weird fish

that you always see swimming next to the ass of a shark.

That almost worked, didn't it?

No, I... You were going for a whole parasite thing.

I was with you.

The point is I have no vision.

Grace, you have vision. Are you so blind you can't see that?

Hiya. I'm-- I'm April. The service sent me.

- Oh, great. I-- I'm Will. - Hi.

And, uh, that mess over there is Grace.

- Uh-huh. - Grace?

This is gonna cheer you up.

A short brunette woman?

Come on, Will, I tried that in college.

Remember, it really wasn't my thing.

Well, I hope you have your own cleaning supplies

'cause I'm not packin'.

- It's little industry joke. - Oh.

That's a little industry laugh.

Uh... under the sink.

- Huh? - Will, what is this?

I got you a cleaning woman.

I know you can only work

when-- when things are neat and clean and orderly.

Uh, no, Anal Annie, that's you!

It's gonna blow my vibe having someone puttering around

while I'm trying to work.

Excuse me, wh-- what vibe are we blowing here?

I mean, you-- you've been up for three days, and all you've drawn

is an outline of your hand,

made into a turkey.

It was supposed to be cow.

- See, I told you I suck! - No, honey, it's...

Look, see, it's a cow. It's a...

Will: Alright, look, I've gotta go.

She'll do her thing, she'll stay out of your way,

you do yours and-- and if you hit a rough spot,

just, it's easy, just think of your mother's taste,

you know, and then go the other way.

Uh, excuse me, this was crumbled up on the floor.

You didn't want to throw this out, did you?

Oh, uh, that's just, um, that's garbage.

- Oh, really? - Mmm-hmm.

Looks pretty good to me. What is it?

It's a meditation room.

It was an early, tragic idea.

No, actually, the pop-up bidet was tragic.

This is just bad.

Bad, bad, bad.

- Oh, God. - Hey, hey. Come on, get up.

Let me show you something I learned in the Coast Guard.

- Come on. Up, up, up. - No, no.

No, no, no. Come on, get up.

Shh.

First, you close your eyes.

Then you get to a really quiet place.

Breathe in.

[inhales]

Calm and serene.

You're peaceful.

And let it out. Agh!

[screams]

You know, when we met at the bookstore,

I-- I have to say I-- I would never have guessed

that you were a lawyer.

Probably 'cause I look so young. Oh. [laughs]

Actually, I passed the bar the first time I took it,

and, um, funny story, John-John was taking it

the same day I was.

[whispers] For the third time.

And wh-- what do you know, I mean, he just sits right down

next to me, and this time he passes.

Ah, I'm not gonna say anything else.

You're a smart guy, Alex. You connect the dots.

So, what kind of law do you practice?

I don't practice, I just do, uh...

But I don't want to talk about me anymore.

You're out of order. [laughs]

- So how's grad school? - Oh, you know it's not bad.

I mean, I'm working on my dissertation,

and every now and then I get to meet

a cute intellectual type at a bookstore.

You do? Oh, me. Oh, I'm sorry.

Of course, me the brainiac.

Smarties love to staple.

- Excuse me? - Will, you're here.

Uh, well, it's about time. You call yourself an assistant?

Actually, no.

Well, I wouldn't either, uh, given the way

you just abandoned the phones like that.

Alex, this is my assistant, Will.

Will, I'm a lawyer, and this is Alex.

- From the bookstore? - Oh, hi, Alex.

Sorry, I'm late, Lawyer McFarland.

Uh, the sign on front with your name on it

must have fallen down.

I've been looking everywhere for it.

Right, uh, get that fixed immediately.

Gotta give him somethin' to do. [chuckles]

Okay, uh, Alex, will you give me and Will a minute, please?

- We gotta go over some, uh-- - Torts?

Uh, no, thanks. We're gonna go for Chinese.

You know, I'll-- I'll just, I'll wait out front.

- Nice to meet you, Will. - You too.

Okay, okay, I'm sorry. Please don't be mad, don't be mad.

Just listen, I had to tell him I was something.

I mean, he calls me today and wants to meet me

in my office for lunch, how hot is that?

Must be nice to have finally met someone

that likes you for who you are.

Yeah, it's nice, but listen,

please don't say anything. I promise I'll tell him.

I've just got to find the right moment.

Oh, maybe during lunch, you know, when he finds out that

McFarland can't afford the McNuggets because he's a McLiar.

- I hate myself. - Of course you do, honey.

How could anybody be happy in bar mitzvah ruffles?

Why don't you run home and change, hmm?

I think we'll both feel better.

I'm gonna have a quick cry in the swatch room.

Honey, you still test driving those antidepressants?

'Cause I think it's time to buy.

Um, am-- am I in the right place, Grace Adler Designs?

Right place, wrong outfit. What's it all about, honey?

What's...

Well, I'm-- I'm-- I'm April, Grace's cleaning lady.

Cleaning... honey.

We shouldn't be talking. Get to work.

Start with that big table there.

There's a phone in there somewhere.

It's been ringin' all mornin'. It's driving me nuts.

April, what are you doing here?

Oh, you didn't leave the key for me.

- Oh, gosh. Sorry. Here it is. - Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

What are you doin'? You're giving the maid a key?

You're gonna be buying your jewelry back from hobos.

[sighs]

Karen, why don't you go to lunch?

Well, honey, it's 10 o'clock in the morning.

In Boston.

[laughs] Honey, that is so... eh, okay.

Oh, great, you're working on that piece

you threw out yesterday.

Yup, seeing if I can make it worse. I think I did it.

Yup, designed a meditation room that could move

the Dalai Lama to bitchslap Richard Gere.

Yawn.

- Excuse me? - You're boring.

I hate people getting down on themselves.

[sighs] Well, you would get down on yourself too if you had a--

If what? If, uh, if I had your talent? Unh-unh.

When I'd get down on myself, my mom had this saying

that always made me feel better.

Let me, let me see how she put it.

Let me see if I can get it right. Agh!

Your mother wasn't Sam Kinison by any chance, was she?

Well, what does it say on your door?

It doesn't say "Grace Adler Whines"

it says "Grace Adler Designs"

so, so quit beating yourself up and just do it.

- But I can't-- - Do it! Do it!

Okay, okay.

You know, Mary Poppins got the same message across,

but she did it in a nice little musical number.

You're like...

You're like a spoonful of whoop-ass.

You know what I can do?

I could add the element of scent,

an aroma therapy machine that would...

Tsk, stupid. People will think...

[imitating a buzzer]

I'm brilliant.

God, can't we just trade her in for a buzzer?

Morning, ladies... Karen.

Okay, you bring April to work once, I can accept that.

Twice, no problem. I can fold my own socks.

But five days a week?

Grace, I've got mold on my shower curtain

that is, that is in escrow.

Will, I can't explain it, but whenever she's around,

I-- I get the most amazing ideas.

Will, you have to trust me on this.

I can't do this without her.

Le-- let me get this straight, you can't design

without our maid?

- Exactly. - Yeah, no.

I-- I've heard about this. It's called the Hazel Syndrome.

They'll explain it all to you

in the nervous hospital, Blanche.

"Yeah, these fingernails will have to be trimmed."

You're a brilliant designer. Why do you need this?

I just do. Why can't you be a little more supportive about it?

Okay, here's me being supportive.

Grace, you're a little... [whistles]

Okay?

You're relying on our maid to do your job.

I mean, di-- did Mr. Brady ask Alice

to help with the architecture?

I've got your number, sister.

I've seen "All About Eve."

- Who? - "Poor Eve."

Yeah, that's right, go ahead.

Play the poor, naive little maid with the heart of gold.

But I've got Grace's back!

Trust me,

you're not going to win the Tony in this version.

I don't know what you're talking about?

- I just want to help Grace. - Oh.

[sighs] You're good.

Get up, get up, get up, get up!

- He's gonna be here any minute. - Who?

Don't play games with me!

Alex. Come on, Will, he's the one.

I'm sure of it this time.

I thought Robert was the one.

Robert was cute. I should call him.

Get up, get up, get up, get up!

Look, I-- I thought you were gonna tell Alex

that you are not a lawyer.

I lied. Forgive me. I was in character.

- Why I should I do this? - Look at me, Will.

Think of how many funny little Jack stories

you can spin out of this predicament.

This is grade-A fodder for a bitch like you.

Have a seat, boss.

- Okay, how do I look? - Great.

Who'd have thought that you could put clothes on that fast?

Amazing.

Excuse me, Mr. Lawyer, is this your bike lock?

Excuse me, but can I just be alone

in my office for a minute, please?

Sure. No, I just thought, you know, with your bike lock here

and your bike out there, as a good assistant,

I should mention that.

Damn it!

Oh! Alex! Kill time!

So much fodder, so little time.

Alex, come on in. Jack's just locking up a deal.

He'll be-- he'll be back in.

So, what's, uh, Jack like as a boss?

Imperious.

Very much the queen bee.

Oh, Alex, what a surprise.

Uh, I'm a little out of breath.

- Oh? Hung jury? - You're a pig, get out.

Oh, the pants, uh, yeah, I'm just, uh,

running from case to case. [chuckles]

- So, how you doin'? - I'm okay.

Great, let me just check my call sheet

and we'll grab a little lunch.

Actually, I-- I just want to talk to you.

Uh, listen, Jack. You-- you're a great guy, but--

I'm getting the great-guy-but speech, huh?

It's just that you and I are in such different places

in our lives.

I mean, I-- I'm kinda lost and-- and aimless.

I've a-- I've got a new job every couple of weeks.

I mean, you're like this buttoned up professional

stable, mature, goal-oriented, responsible.

Oh, no. I'm not a lawyer, I'm a liar.

Jack, it's not gonna work out.

Alright, I see, uh, then I-- I think you should go.

I've got a lot on my plate right now,

and I'd probably break your heart anyway.

Uh, listen, one more thing, I mean, it's a little awkward,

but, um, I wonder if you could fix me up with your assistant?

My as... Will? No--

Well, I mean, he-- he just seems a little lost like me,

and I... I kinda like that.

He's straight.

Where is she? Where is April?

"Poor Eve."

Would you stop doing that?

She knows it's this evening.

Where could she be?

I can't say that I'm surprised.

I mean, you can take the maid out of the house,

but you can't take the...

Karen, if-- if this is you helping, stop helping.

I...

You know what those rocks need?

A little scotch.

Listen, Grace, I, I just wanted to point out

that after all of your "April this" and "April that"

who is here for you in your hour of need? Me. Huh?

And who will always be there for you?

Huh, what? Oh? Oh, yeah, it's me.

Thank you, Karen. I really appreciate it.

Anyway, look, I gotta run. I got a salt scrub in an hour.

[scoffs]

This is wrong. It's all wrong.

And you, you are so wrong there.

Talking to pillows, Grace?

Wow, you're like the-- the

Dr. Dolittle of furniture. What are you doing?

We had five different options for a floor plan.

April was supposed to be here early so we could agree on one.

I've had to do it all by myself, and look, look,

it's-- it's just, it's crap.

- It's fantastic. - Oh, what do you know?

Well, maybe a little bit more than the maid.

I am gay after all.

Okay, maybe I should try the second choice.

Here, help me move the Tansu chest.

No. Grace, what are you doing? Just leave it.

It's gonna look better over here.

Would you leave it where it is?

Stop it!

Why do I feel like I'm in a shooting gallery?

Ugh! Screens? What was I thinking?

It's like a, it's like a bad Chinese restaurant.

Okay, getting a little angry here in the meditation room.

Is that what you were going for?

If you want to help me,

you will get April on the phone.

Well, you can stop saying that because she's not coming.

How do you know?

Because I paid her not to come.

- What? - You don't need her, Grace.

You did this whole room yourself.

You paid April not to come?

Oh, my...

Okay, Will, tell me.

How much does my public humiliation go for these days?

Hundred bucks, and a coupon for a free mop.

Look, you're being ridiculous.

She didn't do anything, except go "Agh!"

Oh, don't you dare mock the "Agh!"

I have no connection to the "Agh!"

You resent the "Agh!"

- You fear the "Agh!" - Okay, look.

I'm-- I'm gonna stop doing this right now,

because frankly, it's a little embarrassing.

You're brilliant. I've told you this all week long,

but for whatever reason, you won't listen to me.

Will, you are wrong! This isn't good!

- Actually, he's right. - Oh, who the hell are you?

I'm the design critic from East Coast Living.

Welcome to my meditation space.

Well, congratulations. You kicked boo-tay.

Say it, "I kicked boo-tay."

I kicked booty.

[laughs]

I think now I sense you're going to thank me.

Uh, no, because actually, I'm still mad at you.

No, correction, you want to be mad at me, but you can't,

because A, I was right

but B, this meditation room is just too good.

Peace. Oneness. Om.

Thank you.

- Om. - Om.

Let's go home.

Why home?

There's a rock in my bum.

At least it's not your thumb.

Now it's going numb.