Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

- Good morning. - Bad morning.

I just found a gray chest hair. It's so depressing.

You know, I went to bed young, I woke up Ari Onassis.

Jackie! Get on the boat!

You know, I'm gonna have to see it.

Uh, later, when I'm less vulnerable.

- Will, it's one chest hair. - I only have seven.

I don't like those odds.

Listen to me, pops. This isn't about the chest hair.

It's about your birthday next week.

No, it's about the chest hair.

Okay, 90% chest hair, 10% birthday.

70% birthday, 30% chest hair.

- Eighty-twenty. - Sixty-forty.

Fifty-fifty's my final offer.

Sold to the alte kacker in the kitchen.

So, what do you want to do this year?

I want you to have a fun birthday.

Grace, you know me. I've never really been that into birthdays.

That's not true. I've seen all your home movies.

You've had some fun birthdays.

Remember the one where your brothers

dressed you up in your mom's clothes?

That seemed like a fun birthday.

Yeah. That-- that wasn't a birthday.

That was, um... like a Thursday.

So glad my dad captured that one on film.

The only worse thing on film was my eighth birthday party.

You didn't see this one.

I really wanted a cowboy party,

you know, like a cowboy cake?

I really loved cowboys.

Still do, by the way.

You don't have to tell me. I've seen the magazines.

But no, no, no. My mom gave me a clown party.

Ugh. I hate clowns. They think they're so funny.

I just fake-smiled my way through the whole thing,

and then when I realized there wasn't gonna be a cowboy cake,

I snuck up to my room and hid.

Oh, Will. That's so...

"Party Of Five."

So what do you want to do this year?

Uh, why not just-- Let's go to a restaurant.

You know, nothing big, something mellow.

You, me, and Jack.

Hm.

- What was that? - Nothing.

- You made a face. - Face?

Hello? I'm standing right here within face-viewing range.

Okay, I don't think Jack likes me.

[scoffs] What are you talking about? Jack loves you.

No, Jack loves you. I came along with the deal.

See, you're the hamburger,

and I'm that little cup of coleslaw.

You don't order it, but... there it is on the plate.

Gracie, all I want for my birthday

is for you and Jack to get along.

Deal. Let me see it.

- Could be worse. - How? How could it be worse?

Oh, come on, Grace! I'm eating breakfast!

[theme music]

I need you to make a decision for me

and I need you to make it now.

Don't have the sex change. They never work out.

Jack: Say you're sorry.

Sorry.

Okay, I've narrowed your birthday festivities

down to a couple of choices, pick one.

Drinks and dancing at The Spear.

Oh, no. No.

That bar is pure skank.

It's no place to spend my birthday.

It's more like a place to spend your birthday.

Vicious, party of one. Vicious, party of one.

Okay, second, and this is the one I'm really pulling for,

you and me on a gay singles weekend cruise.

Kind of a cruise...

to cruise.

Oh, yeah, that's where I want to be,

on a boat, in the middle of the ocean,

surrounded by a thousand lonely seasick queens

weeping into their guacamole.

Alright. You know what, that's it. I'm done trying.

Make your own kind of music, sing your own special song.

Jack, don't make a big deal.

All I want is a nice little dinner

just you, me, and Grace.

Hmm.

What's that? What's with the face?

I don't like Grace.

What are you talking about? You like Grace.

I don't know, I'm sort of not into her right now.

Sort of not into her?

She's a person, not tandoori chicken.

What's the problem?

Well, ever since she's moved in, I never get any me time.

Oh, Jack.

All your time is me time.

Can you try to make a little more effort

with Grace, please?

Alright, fine, but for the record, I've made an effort.

Do you think I actually enjoy debating velvet versus velour?

- You love that stuff. - Hey, I'm not that gay.

Yes, you are.

[slurping]

It's good coffee, hmm?

Really good.

[chuckles] Grace,

Jack hates flavored coffees, too.

Grace: Really? Will: Yeah.

Jack, so do I.

Yeah. Will just told me that a minute ago.

You know, guys, my birthday's not for a week.

Let's save some of the merriment

till then, huh?

Will: I know what we can do.

Let's get "Entertainment Weekly,"

and play my favorite new game,

Love Her, Hate Him.

I'm gonna watch TV.

You're gonna be missing out. It's a fun game, Jack.

I know it's fun. I invented it.

- You hamburger, me coleslaw. - Come on, Gracie.

It's your turn to be the official

page-turner-slash-pointer.

Okay.

- Jada Pinkett. - Hmm.

Hate her.

Wow, that's kinda harsh.

- I mean, she's not really-- - Will, you know the rules.

Love or hate. No gray area, just like life.

- Hate her. - Good boy.

This is a fun Friday night.

Love her. Love, love, love her.

- Who is it? - Are you serious?

It's Michelle Kwan.

Who? Michelle who?

Michelle Kwan, figure skater,

Olympic silver medalist?

Goddess on ice.

You like Michelle Kwan?

I love her.

So do I!

She was so robbed!

- At the Olympics! - Tell me about it.

She's a billion times better than Tara Lipinski.

Don't even get me started with that little witch.

- She's cocky. - The cockiest.

Almost as cocky as Surya Bonaly.

Oh, my God!

- The best! Surya Bonaly! - Who?

- Surya Bonaly! - She's French.

- She's powerful. - She's black.

She wears blue eyeshadow, and does illegal backflips.

She scares me.

I crave her.

- You want a cookie? - Yeah.

'Kay.

[chuckles] Look at you two, huh?

I knew you guys would connect.

Just didn't think it would be over something

as lame as ice skating.

Excuse me?

Yeah, excuse me?

What's so lame about ice skating?

Oh, everything.

With the sappy music, the chiffon costumes.

They put little matching fabric booties

over their blades.

Grace, I can't believe you're into it.

Oh, but you can believe I'm into it?

Hi, this is Grace Adler of Grace Adler Designs.

I'd like a dinner reservation for three on Tuesday.

It's my best friend's birth--

All booked up?

Would it make a difference if I told you

my best friend was Demi Moore?

Believe me, I'm not crazy about her, either.

Okay, bye.

Hi, honey.

Oh, look who's back from lunch

just in time for dinner.

Oh, honey, don't tell me.

Tell those slow waiters at Barney's.

So, honey, what happened? What went on?

Who stopped by? What did I miss?

Well, I spent most of the afternoon

trying to get a table at a good restaurant for Will's birthday.

Honey, did you try Balthazar?

Karen, Steak 'N Brew

are spitting at me through the phone.

How would I get a table there?

Grace, I am your assistant.

Now, I may not be a whiz at the--

Computer.

Or know how to work the-- [chuckles]

Fax.

But, honey, I do know how to get where I need to be.

- Now, hand me the-- - Phone.

Well, honey, I would have gotten that one.

Honey, what's this?

Yeah, who's this? Uh-huh, well, get me Leante.

Yeah, well, tell him it's Karen Walker.

Okay, I'm starting to get it.

Oh, yeah, hi, honey.

Listen to me, I need your best table for dinner on--

- Tuesday. - Tuesday.

- 9 o'clock. - 9 o'clock.

- Three people. - Well, thank you, honey.

- I would love to come. - Three.

Oh. Oh, no, no. Uh, w-- wait.

- Will just wanted to have-- - Problem, honey?

Um.

Make it four.

Uh, Will's friend Jack may come along as well.

Oh, fun. Make it four.

Uh-huh. You, too. Gotta go. Yeah.

Yeah. Leante, honey, I'm busy.

The French,

stinky and blah-ah-ah--

Put down the sports page and listen.

You're only looking at the pictures anyway.

That is not true. Hey!

I'm a sports fan. I'm a sport--

Look here, it says right here that the Steelers lost

by 17 points to...

to these big guys with the big arms.

Guess where we are having dinner

on your birthday.

Gracie, I don't care where we--

Balthazar.

Wow, caring a little more.

Great food, cute waiters, the oysters you love!

I love the oysters I love. How did you get us in?

Karen. That's why she has to come along with us.

What? Wh-- what? What's with the face?

- Face? - Hello?

I'm standing right here within face-viewing range.

Karen? I mean--

I don't really have anything in common with Karen.

I'll cancel.

What am I saying? It's Balthazar.

It'll be great.

Cute waiters serving the oysters you love.

Yeah, do you suppose I can get the oysters

to serve the cute waiters I love?

Smell this. Is it bad?

It's got 12 more hours.

- How can you know that? - It's a gift.

You are so gonna be loving me.

You, me, Will, Karen.

Madison Square Garden. "Champions On Ice."

- No. - Yes.

- No! - Yes!

Oh, my God! "Champions On Ice!"

Oh, my God! I've always wanted to go! No!

Yes! How much are you loving me right now?

A lot! When? When? When are we gonna do this?

- Tuesday night. - When are we-- Oh, my God!

- Tuesday night! - Yeah.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

No. No, wait. No, it's-- No.

We can't go Tuesday night. It's Will's birthday.

Oh. He doesn't care.

He just wants us to get along.

Plus, it's a chance to see Rudy Galindo in tights.

No, I don't want to force Will to do something

he doesn't want to do.

Grace, we can go. I don't care.

No, sweetie, it's okay. It's not that big a deal.

Not that big a deal? You just jumped into Jack's arms.

The last time a woman did that--

A woman has never done that.

Really, Will?

You're sure? Then we can go to Balthazar's right after?

- Mm-hmm. - Oh, my God. Thank you.

[kissing]

Thank you, thank you. Whoo!

- You're sure? - Yes! Yes, we're going.

You, me, Jack, Karen. "The Ice Capades!"

- "Champions On Ice." - Sorry.

This is a far cry from Balthazar.

Who do I have to tip to get out?

Move! Legs, legs! Move!

I'm here. I can't believe I'm here.

It's all so wonderful.

Pace yourself, Dorothy. It's the Zamboni machine.

Where's the popcorn guy?

If we're not gonna eat for two hours, I need popcorn.

Well, happy birthday.

Thanks.

Here we are. [chuckles]

Yep, here we are.

Happy b--

Oh. We covered that.

So, how old are you?

How old are you?

Grace, honey! How are we doing over there?

I'm doing great.

- Will, you okay? Can you see? - Much as I need to.

I don't want to get too close, I might get sequin blindness.

Hey! It's a sport! People win medals, huh?

I'd like to see you do a double axel, double loop,

double lutz, Mr. Man.

Oh, there he is. Popcorn!

Lord, look at these people.

Losers!

Not you. [chuckles]

Karen, you brought champagne?

What are you doing? You don't drink at "Champions On Ice."

Honey, don't think of it as drinking.

Think of it as mommy's little cotton candy.

Will, you don't look like you're having fun.

What are you talking about? I'm having a great time.

"Champions On Ice."

Whoo! Let's kick some butt!

What? You said it was a sport.

Will, honey, maybe a couple of belts of champagne

will create the illusion that you're having fun.

Excuse me. I'm fine.

Really, I just want a little popcorn.

Hey, popcorn!

Oh, my God.

- I'm getting chills. - Here he comes.

Hey! Excuse me!

He didn't hear me.

Honey, I don't care.

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls,

please welcome the Champions On Ice!

[cheering]

There they are, skating in the dark.

- I think I see Surya. - Don't tease me.

Announcer: Two-time Olympic silver medalist.

Announcer: Elvis Stojko! Will: Hey!

Popcorn!

Look at him!

You wear those leather pants, Elvis!

Announcer: And United States champion, Rudy Galindo!

Hey!

He's my hero! He's the gay one!

One?

Up here, Rudy! Whoo!

Will, you don't seem like

you're into this ice crap either.

Not particularly, but...

Grace and Jack love it so much,

I just wanted them to have a good time.

But, honey, it's your birthday.

- How about now? - Okay, now.

[blows a raspberry]

Yep, we get it, Surya.

You can skate.

How much longer is "Champions On Ice?"

You mean Endless On Ice?

Pretty soon, I'd better be looking at some oysters on ice.

I am starving.

Skate faster! We have reservations!

You're hating this, aren't you? Do you want to just go?

No, no, no. You guys are having fun.

That's all I want.

That, and maybe a little popcorn!

Are you sure? 'Cause if you're not having--

What? What? What did I miss, a backflip?

No, no, no. Triple toe, double loop.

No flip yet. Maybe she won't do it.

No, she's gonna do it.

She didn't come all the way from France to not flip.

- Popcorn! - Yes, popcorn!

I've been calling you for like an hour.

Oh. So you were the one.

I thought it was the 49,000 other people that are in here.

You don't have any brie and crackers

in that thing, do you, honey?

I'm warming your brie right now, lady.

- Vendors. - Oh, this is like ancient.

It's typical, you know.

My birthday.

Can't get what I want.

Never do.

You know, one year, I wanted

this cool red fire engine.

My mother got me a Water Wiggle.

Decided it'd be more fun to slip and slide.

More fun for who?

Backflip, backflip. [screaming]

Grace and Jack: Ohhh.

Grace: God, she faked us out. Will: Hello?

You just knocked the popcorn out of my hand!

Oh, I'm sorry, honey. It's okay. I'll get you another one.

- Popcorn! - I don't want another popcorn!

- I want that popcorn! - Popcorn!

Grace, Grace, she's gonna do it.

Took me two hours

to get that guy's attention.

- Grace, just-- - You know, it is my birthday.

I mean, you'd think I could get a little attention

on my birthday!

- Will? - Grace, Grace--

[cheering]

Uh-huh, oh, yeah, uh-huh, oh, yeah.

Okay, and where did her legs go? Over her head!

Okay, you have to admit that that was pretty damn--

Will?

- Where did Will go? - Oh, he left, honey.

He left?

What, are you insane? You're gonna miss Rudy.

Honey, where are you going?

Don't leave me here with these ice freaks!

Honey, this shirt on you is heaven.

Grace: Will?

Will?

Alright, so I think I've got it now.

When I ask and you say okay, and then I ask and you say okay,

and then I ask and you say okay, it's really a cue to me to know

that it's not okay.

You see how easy it is?

Alright, just so we're clear.

- You're insane. - I must be.

Every year, I end up doing what I don't want to do

in order to make everybody else happy.

I'm still an eight-year-old.

An eight-year-old with gray chest hair.

One.

One gray chest hair.

Actually, none. I tweezed it this morning.

It was taunting me.

Jack: Hello?

Jack: Hello?

Hi, guys.

Yeah, I just came by to get my-- Oh, here it is.

"Entertainment Weekly" magazine.

Oh, my God, what is that?

A Rudy Galindo autograph?

Well, I'll be a rat's ass.

How did that get there?

What'd you do, sign it yourself?

Didn't have to.

Should I wait downstairs, or what?

Oh, my God. Rudy Galindo.

Rudy and I are gonna go for coffee, and, uh--

Oh, happy birthday. He does not look 46.

Lotta work.

Well, another memorable birthday for the books.

- Goodnight. - Excuse me, mister.

Your birthday's not over yet.

Now, what did you tell me you wanted

more than anything when you were a little boy?

You don't have a "Josie and the Pussycats"

lunchbox in there, do you?

Happy birthday, partner.

My cowboy cake!

- Look at him. - Do you love it?

I love it so much I'm gonna sleep with it.

Whatever gets you through the night.

You know, you're not eight years old anymore.

You can ask for what you really want.

- Alright, next year-- - Mm-hmm?

I want a real cowboy.