Original subtitles

Grace: What are you doing?

- It's freezing. - Come on.

My God, it looks like I'm hiding pushpins in my T-shirt.

Come on.

Ladies and gentlemen, Grace, unplugged.

I would have laughed if I were warm... and that was funny.

Come on.

Stand on the vent.

Oh, my God. Just when I'd given up hope, heat. I'm in heat.

[sighs]

Oh.

Keep it up, Grace. You're this far from pay-per-view.

[gasps] How did you do it?

I bribed the super to fix the heating vent.

His English isn't so great, but I think the deal is

one of us has to sleep with him.

I'll do it as long as it's on top of this vent.

Hey, hey, hey, don't bogart the warm.

Come on, I need to thaw my feet.

Oh, yeah. That's the stuff. Give it to me, baby.

Keep it coming! Feel the heat!

Would you two like to be alone?

Dennis: Mmm, you taste good.

Excuse me?

Shh, listen.

Judy: That was amazing.

Dennis: God, the candlelight on your face.

Dennis: You're beautiful.

Judy: You make me feel beautiful.

[sighs] Man, even disembodied voices

are getting more action than I am.

[chuckles] Aw, that's sweet.

I can't help but take it personally.

Judy: Mmm...

[sighs] She mmm-ed.

Okay, now she's just throwing it in my face.

Judy: Oh, my God. It's almost 1:00.

Judy: Dennis, [giggles] Dennis, stop.

Judy: My husband's gonna be home any minute.

- Husband? - Husband?

[theme music]

[instrumental music]

Judy: I can't live like this anymore.

Well, he can't either.

Thomas: Well, I can't either.

Huh? See?

Careful, girlie. You're gonna end up with waffle face.

This is pathetic, Grace.

What, you come home early just to catch "Days Of Our Vent?"

No. [chuckles] I thought I would cook Shepherd's Pie.

Pray tell, Julia Child, what's in Shepherd's Pie?

Um...

shepherds.

Sheep.

Pie?

Sounds like a crock o' sheep to me.

Who cares about Shepherd's Pie?

The poor husband slaves away 18 hours a day

while she carries on an affair every day this week.

Except Wednesday.

Which, ironically, is hump day.

Agh! Ugh! You should hear her with the boyfriend.

She does this whole "Of-ten" and "H-where" thing.

And with her husband, it's "Often" and "Where."

She's gross.

You know, I think the husband is totally on to her.

Judy: I told you, I'm not seeing anyone.

Oh! Ooey is such a liar!

- How could she lie like that? - I don't know.

Why don't you ask her up for some Shepherd's Pie and ask her?

Wait a minute. Her name is Ooey?

[sighs] No, it's just that they're always walking

out of the room when he says her name,

so all I get is "Ooey."

What do you think of my glasses? What do they say?

They say, "Guys don't make passes

at girls who wear glasses."

And guys don't make passes at guys with fat asses.

I think they make me look smart.

Yeah, Jack, it's the intellectual equivalent

of stuffing a sock in your pants.

♪ Funny funny funny funny funny ♪♪

Grace, what are you doing?

I'm listening to the couple downstairs.

Fine, don't tell me.

I'm ready for you to read my play.

[chuckles] Wait, whoa. What play? You're a writer now?

Sarcasm noted and quickly forgotten. Bye-bye.

For your information,

I've been taking a playwriting class at the Learning Annex.

Ah, that explains the scathing "Fat ass" retort.

Okay, you know what, let's just forget it

and, uh, have dinner, and you'll read it after I leave.

- Dinner? - Yeah.

Will invited me to dinner.

You were there, Grace. Don't you remember?

We discussed you making your famous moist-free chicken.

[gagging]

Oh! Oh, no. Oh, that's right. Uh, Jack, I am so...

Judy: No.

Oh, my God, did you hear that "No?"

[sighs] Evil, thy name is Ooey.

I forgot too. I'm sorry.

Apology accepted.

Okay, promise me you'll both read this, okay?

I need notes prontito.

I'm having a stage reading Tuesday

and I'm kind of a little anxious about it.

- Tuesday, no problem. - Alright, whatever.

Do you want to try that one more time with feeling?

- Tuesday, no problem. - Alright, whatever.

Great. That's the kind of enthusiasm I'm looking for.

And, Will, don't forget we're on for Lady Bunny

and her All Boy Revue on Friday.

- Don't blow me off. - I won't.

If you're gonna think about blowing me off,

do not blow me off.

- I won't. - It's Friday.

Don't blow me off.

"Repetitious and repetitious,"

said "The New York Times."

Oh! You queens really do know theatre.

[instrumental music]

Rosario. Hi, honey, listen, I'm running a little late.

Yeah, things are muy loco at the officina.

Listen, I'm gonna need you to feed the kids

and read 'em something before bedtime.

Well, I don't know, honey,

why don't you read 'em that book they love,

"Green Eggs And I'm Hammered."

[laughing]

No... no, Rosario.

Now, why would I want to speak to them?

What? I just...

[chuckles] Hola.

- Hi. - Hi.

- Outfit? - Custom.

- Perfection. - I know.

I'm freaking out about my play.

Honey, come here. I don't produce theatre. I am theatre!

[laughing]

Please, Karen, I need your help.

You were so instrumental in the success

of my one-man show, "Just Jack."

Remember how nervous I was before "Just Jack?"

But you were there to support me and coach me

and make me "Just Jack."

Just shut up!

Alright, criminy. Let me see the material.

"Love Among The Coconuts: A Caribbean Fantasy?" [chuckles]

I don't know, honey.

Sounds like a dessert that repeats.

Tomorrow, I'm casting the role of Plantain,

a magnificently built island man who wears nothing

but puka shells and a palm frond.

I'll pick you up.

[instrumental music]

Grace!

Oh, um, I'm just leaving for work.

- It's 6 o'clock, crazy. - Oh, I'm late.

So now you're skipping work altogether?

- I called in sick. - Called who? You're the boss.

I know. It was a strange conversation.

If I do it again, I'm gonna fire me.

Grace!

Will, I had to.

Ooey got into a huge fight with Thomas.

- Who's Thomas? - Her Husband!

- Oh, for-- - Oh, it was so good!

Grace: She came home, and he was like, "Where have you been?"

Grace: And she's all, "I don't have to answer that"

and he's like, "Oh, yes, you do."

Grace: And then there was like 20 seconds of dead silence.

Oh, that sounds even better than "The Real World: Seattle."

Look, I don't want to have this conversation anymore.

- But, Will, I mean-- - No, no, no, no. Enough.

No more. Okay? This is wrong, period.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm gonna go down to the laundry room.

Never gesture emphatically with a taco in your hand.

- Oliver Wendell Holmes? - Cesar Romero.

- I just met Judy. - Who's Judy?

- Ooey is Judy. - Judy is Ooey?

Yes, it's... it's truey.

The guy she's having the affair with...

- Dennis. - Yeah. Thomas' brother.

No!

Ow!

Yes, yes. It's ugly, it's sordid.

Move over, I'm in.

- Okay, what did I miss? - Ugh, it's so tragic.

Her husband is out there saving lives at a hospital,

while Slutina flits around the apartment

in a satin robe, having--

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down there, Church Lady.

First of all, Thomas is a dermatologist.

He's not saving lives, he's popping zits.

And second, he's-- he's been checked out of that relationship

for two years now.

Trust me, she's gonna leave him for Dennis.

That would be totally immoral.

It would break the commandment about...

um... coveting thy husband's brother's ass.

Wow, I break that one all the time.

I can't believe you blew me off. Where the hell were you?

I just spent three hours in the freezing cold outside a drag bar

being harassed by a pair of Rosemary Clooneys.

Well, why didn't you go in?

- Because you have the tickets. - Oh. Sorry.

- Right here. - Oh, great. Thanks a lot.

Lot of good this is gonna do me.

Lady Bunny and her All Boy Revue

have already dewigged, deglossed and departed.

Shh, shh, shh. She's back, she's back.

Did you at least read my play?

I've been a little busy, Jack.

Judy: I can't take this anymore.

You tell him, sweetheart.

Wait a minute. This is your busy?

Trust me, Jack, it's oddly riveting.

Grace, what about you? Did you read it?

- Agh! - Oh, I see.

I guess maintaining the 13 shades of red in your hair

keeps you so busy, you don't have any time

for recreational reading.

Jack, there is a marriage breaking up down there.

It's kind of important.

- Hello? And I'm not? - Believe me.

You'll gain a little perspective next week

when you're, I don't know, studying to be a wet nurse

and your script is lining the bottom of Guapo's birdcage.

Eh... Ugh!

I can't... W-- would... Did you... Agh!

[instrumental music]

Okay, okay, that wasn't bad.

Um...

I-- I'm-- I'm not sure if playing coy

would be the way to go. Uh...

but good job. Let's start... Oh, excuse me.

Finally, my God, you're here. I'm a wreck.

I can't get the scene to work and it's very important.

Yeah, well, I had something important too.

I just had a facial at Yolanda's.

I'm sorry. Yolanda's? I didn't know.

Oh... Oh, Lord.

Is that one person?

He's auditioning for the part of Plantain.

Well, I thought you wanted an island native, not an island.

He's the only guy that showed up for the audition

and I didn't have the heart to tell him he didn't get the part.

Actually, I didn't have the guts to tell him. Can you?

Alright, I'll take care of it.

[chuckles] Hi.

Listen, um...

Oh, honey, I think you got a little barbecue sauce,

just, uh, eh... eh, yeah. There you go, there you go.

Got it. [chuckles]

Gotta remember to wear a bib

when you're eatin' those dinosaur legs.[laughing]

Ho. [sighs]

I love this. It's...

But, you know, uh, we feel that

the character is coming off too, uh...

Jewish.

Karen: But listen, thanks for coming down.

Wa-- watch the support beam, honey. It's...

You know, we actually ran it a couple times.

He wasn't bad. I mean, if you closed your eyes,

he kinda had a Lou Diamond Phillips quality.

But it just wasn't working out.

I don't know, maybe it was the actor.

Jack, sit down.

Listen...

I, um, I finished reading your skittle

on the treadmill this morning,

and, uh, you got some bigger problems

than your friend, King Thong, out there.

What are you talking about?

Your play stinks.

It does? Well, which pages?

Uh, the ones with words on 'em.

"Come to me, Tonga, and let us make lup-lup on my houseboat."

No, honey, it's not good.

Karen, it's a Caribbean fantasy.

It's a Caribbean nightmare!

[sighs]

Well, what am I gonna do?

Write about what's important to you,

relationships, your family, your friends.

I'll take "Painful Things" for five hundred.

Exactly, honey. Yes!

And when viewed in that light, why,

your life is an embarrassment of riches.

Thanks, Karen. I knew you'd make me feel better.

Oh.

[sighs]

Will: Grace, major development in the vent.

She's cooking him lamb. [scoffs] Lamb, Grace!

It's so clear. She's leaving him tonight.

It's gonna get ugly.

- It's gonna get good! - Yeah!

We need ice cream.

What-- what flavor of ice cream goes

with the destruction of a loveless marriage?

- Rocky road. - Yeah!

No, no, no, no, no, no!

We have Jack's play tonight.

We have to leave in less than 15 minutes.

That's right. He's a writer this week.

What are we gonna do?

I wonder if she's started cooking the lamb yet.

[sniffing]

About 20 minutes in.

- How do you do that? - It's a gift.

Okay. Now, they're gonna have to start with some wine, right?

He-- he'll have one glass, she'll have 12.

If she plans this right, she'll announce that

she's leaving him right after the entree

and then use dessert to lift his depression.

So, wait, that gives us what? An hour and a half?

So we can make an appearance at Jack's play

and be back in time for the tearful breakup sex!

Life is good.

[instrumental music]

Where is Mr. Kot-ter?

Wow. I haven't been in a classroom like this

since Jimmy Johnson and I...

You know what? I'm not even gonna finish that sentence.

I'm just gonna have a happy party in my head.

Okay, everybody, chop-chop, in your seats.

We're about to begin, okay?

And lights.

Yes. Hello, my name...

Uh, excuse me, you in the capped shirt?

Yeah, um, I'm sorry, but when the hand goes up,

the mouth goes shut, okay?

Yes, you're a button, okay.

Anyway, my name is Jack McFarland,

and tonight I will be showcasing scenes from my new play,

"Untitled Jack McFarland Fall Project

Entitled: Jack: A Meditation In Three Parts."

I guess "There's Something About Mary" was already taken.

We open at a funeral. Not yet!

[blabbering]

[sighs]

Jack is dead, the victim of a wayward city bus.

[gasps] As we begin,

his friends arrive to mourn his sudden passing.

Now.

Come on, Will, let's go. We've been here five minutes.

Come on, Will, let's go. We've been here five minutes.

- Can we go? - Yeah, we've paid our respects.

Besides, our soaps are on.

And I'd rather spend time with imaginary people

I don't even know than this sweet dead man

who devoted his life to us.

You know, I only read the first few pages,

but something tells me this isn't leading to the scene

where five Laotian houseboys face the pain of adolescence.

Will Actor: So, you want to play cards?

Grace Actor: I don't care, whatever.

Okay, five card stud. Jacks or better to open.

Jack?

- I miss him so. - Oh, it's no use.

Everything we do just reminds us of Jack.

If only we'd known this while he was still alive,

we would have appreciated him more.

Well, the staging isn't much, but the, uh,

the subtlety of his language.

Oh, if only there was something that we could do

to be with him again.

Well, there is... one thing.

You're right.

We're coming, Jack!

Come on, don't bogart the poison.

[screams]

[gagging]

What did you do to Jack to make him so mad at you?

Excuse me, I'm not drinking alone up there.

Jack: Lights.

We are now in the afterlife.

Alright, stand back. No pushing.

Don't crowd the pearly gates.

We can only let a few of you people in.

Alright, you, you and you.

You, in the acid-washed jeans, you're gonna have to wait...

a while.

Oh, and, honey, did you really think

you could get into heaven wearing body glitter?

Well, you can't. No, can't. Sorry.

- Excuse me. - Name?

Um, Grace Adler and Will Truman.

Hmm, you're not on the list.

Is Jack here? Can we speak to Jack?

Oh, [chuckles] well, he's here, honey, but he's way too busy.

I mean, he is huge in heaven.

You know what? Let me check the other list.

Oh, yeah, Adler and Truman, right on the top.

Wow. Okay, you two are downstairs,

where there's lots of vents pushin' up a lotta heat.

Okay, enjoy your journey to hell! [laughing]

Cut! Print! Tony! I mean, curtain!

Thank you all for coming, thank you.

Oh, my God. What did we do?

I think it's more what we didn't do.

I gotta talk to him.

Yeah, 'cause if this thing's goin' to Broadway...

Okay, take care, guys. Kisses, okay?

- Jack? - Yeah.

So you guys are all goin' to the cast party, right?

Yeah, I heard Pacino's gonna be there.

I-- I don't know if that's true or not.

Grace: We're sorry.

- Yeah, well... - You know, I-- I feel terrible.

I mean, um, we didn't pay attention--

Words, words, words, Will.

Well, Jack?

What, uh, what can we do

and wh-- what's it gonna take to get us out of hell?

Yeah, you know, of all the jackets you've given me tonight,

I think... yeah, this one's the best.

Just needs to be taken in a little. Around the waist...

and the hips. Pretty much everywhere, so.

Thomas: Still feel kind of funny about listening to them,

but in a w-- weird way, it makes me feel better about us.

Yeah. I mean, whatever problems you and I have,

at least I'm not married to a gay guy.

Jack: Gracie, I'm gonna need a water bath

for this chicken. Chop-chop.