Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

Okay, she's a lawyer and she pees with men.

- Ally McBeal, click. - Yes.

- Oh, I can't stand him. - Dennis Miller.

Yes.

Oh, a-- a female singer. Really, really skinny.

Everybody that ever performed at Lilith Fair. Gonna need more.

Uh... Ah, if she misses her next meal

her heart won't go on.

- Celine Dion! - Yes! Okay.

Michelle: And time is up.

♪ Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo hoo ♪

Michelle: Okay, so let's see.

We've got 30 and you have 217.

Hey! So you're in second place.

[chuckles] Will, can I get a refill?

Comin' up.

You know, Celine Dion was on "Oprah" the other day?

Harry and I watched it together.

I mean, how cute is that? I swear he likes it.

Mmm, our Lindsay doesn't like TV.

She'd rather go to the park, play with her little friends.

Hey, how about those Knicks?

See how desperate I am to change the subject?

I'm referencing sports.

You're right.

Sorry, just one more little thing.

Harry caught a ball for the first time

and I got it on videotape.

Oh, my God, you got it on videotape?

Will, she got it on videotape.

You didn't get it on videotape by any chance, did you?

Honey, you know, you play favorites

and I think Riley knows it.

- No, I don't play favorites. - You play favorites.

No, no, no. She just annoys me.

The bitch fights me when I put her in my car.

Do you have to call her a bitch?

She's a bitch, Rob.

Do have to call her a bitch.

Do we have to spend another evening

talking about everybody's dogs?

You just feel guilty 'cause I'm ready for one, and you're not.

Now, that's just-- that's just Grace's way of saying

that her biological clock is barking.

You know, you don't have to breed.

I mean, there are lots of options. You can adopt.

Hey, look at the time! It's a quarter to get out!

[theme music]

Grace: I can't believe I let you drag me here, Jack.

Will doesn't want a dog.

I know, I know. Please, listen.

I just spent the last 45 minutes listening to him rant

about the evils of smells, stains, drooling and shedding.

I said, "It didn't seem to bother your ex-boyfriend."

[laughs]

Oh, look, a Lhasa Apso.

Hello, my little poop.

[sighs]

Hello, my little smelly poop.

Hon...

Honey, honey, the puppy talk.

I'm really trying to keep the crab cakes down.

But look how sweet he is, sitting in his bowl.

[chuckles]

Yeah, he's gifted.

Look, just pick one!

Spay him, spray him,

throw him in a bag and let's get out of here!

No. I told you I can't get a dog.

Oh, come on, Grace, you have to, for Will's sake.

My God. They're total guy magnets.

I once had a Golden Retriever and the man candy he retrieved.

Uh!

Golden! [barks]

[chuckles] Oh, look, a Chihuahua.

Grace: Oh, look, he's looking right at me.

Honey, he's got cataracts.

He's lookin' at two to three months, tops.

Buenas noches.

Oh, my God. I am done.

Honey, come on. What's the problem?

You can have anything you want.

You just have to learn to compromise.

I mean, take me and Stan.

If he wants a little touchy-touchy,

well, if I cooperate,

then I get a house in the Bahamas.

It's tit-for-tat. [laughs]

I...

I'm not sure what you're asking me to do here.

Just pick out a freakin' dog, Grace.

[instrumental music]

- Hi. - Hi.

Got Thai food. Again.

Mainly because I'm obsessed with the Yum Yai Salad.

You know, it-- it announces its own goodness right in its name.

Yum Yai.

Huh. You're kind of a geek.

Okay, uh, help me out here.

What's a four letter word for elevator man?

- Otis. - Whoa, you're smart.

- I got a dog. - What!

Yeah, you're really smart, you must have gotten

really high scores on your SATs--

Grace!

Will, he is the best.

You're gonna love him. He is so cute.

He-- he-- he even looks like you.

- He's got your eyes. - Damn it, Grace, I said no.

- And your fangs. - Where is he?

He is somewhere taking up no space

and being absolutely delightful.

Come on, Will, give it a chance.

The woman at the adoption center said we can keep him

for a week and then decide.

Grace, it's a dog, not the Ronco Fry Daddy.

Come on, Eileen!

[scoffs] Alright, you...

You do what you want, but I just don't think

it's fair to-- to ask a dog to sleep outside,

you know, when it's this cold out.

Will, the dog's not gonna sleep outside.

Oh, really? 'Cause I-- I figured you'd want some company.

Fine. Forget it.

You're weird and inhuman.

Grace, don't make a big thing.

I told you I wasn't into dogs.

Grace: Whatever! Never mind. I'll bring him back tomorrow.

Thank you.

Is that him?

No.

It's veteran character actor Charles Durning.

Now, can you just watch him, just for a minute?

He just had some first day jitters in my bathroom.

I just wish you'd understand a little bit

where I'm coming from.

Now, whe-- when I-- when I said I wasn't a dog person,

I meant it.

Herro.

Oh, you had me at herro.

You had me at herro.

Oh. Oh.

[instrumental music]

Can we just talk about how many cute guys

were swarming around you at the park?

They just wanted to see my sweet bundle of love.

[scoffs] Yes, they did.

Will: Mmm.

Did you believe when he almost caught that Frisbee?

Oh, that was my fault. I threw it too high.

By the way, I'd, uh...

I don't think it's such a great idea that you...

yell at him like that in-- in front of the other dogs.

Will, a light and breezy tone just doesn't cut it

when he's eating a woman's blood pressure medicine.

No, no, I mean, I-- I understand that.

It's just that you, uh, you shamed him.

[chuckles] Will, you can't shame dogs.

They're not defendants on "Judge Judy."

Well, no, you-- you pointed at him

with the little witchy-poo finger, you know,

and you-- you-- you yelled at him in front of his friends.

- His friends? - Whatever, the--

You know, the point is you've just...

You gotta relax, and then, and give him a chance

to be who he is, you know.

These are important years.

He's gotta develop a sense of himself.

Will, I'm not your mother.

And I promise,

if he's gay, I won't stand in his way.

You thirsty? You want some Evian?

Will: Come on, boy. Get your Evian.

Here. Oh...

I'm gonna go take a shower.

Oh, I, uh, meant to tell you,

I enrolled him in doggie day care.

Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, what-- what day care?

The Yuppy Puppy.

The Yuppy Puppy?

Day care for the urban professional's dog.

Do you know these people? I don't know these people.

I don't want a stranger raising my dog.

Didn't you see that thing on "Dateline"

when-- when that woman was-- was hitting the dog

on the snout with his squeaky lamb chop?

Will, that was not Yuppy Puppy

and it wasn't "Dateline."

It was "Animals Do The Darndest Thing."

I'm sorry, but I-- I think it's best that you stay home

tomorrow and take care of him.

Doink!

Okay, master.

I will be home anyway,

because I'm having the sofa in my bottle reupholstered.

Get over yourself! I'm working too!

Fine, Sarcasmo.

I'll take him to work tomorrow

and you can take him the day after that.

Fine, I'll walk him in the morning.

I'll walk him after work.

And I'm gonna want him every other weekend

and all the Jewish holidays.

[instrumental music]

Harlin, I would strongly advocate cash funding

in lieu of a stock swap.

Yes, that liver is nummy, isn't it?

It's nummy.

Because the P/E ratio really points out

the inflated value of the company, don't you think?

I don't know, Will. Nummy seems a little strong.

I think I'd go with tasty-wasty.

You want some water, boy?

Gulp-gulp-gulp-gulp-gulp-gulp gulp-gulp-gulp.

It's funny, I've never thought, uh, of myself as a dog person.

That's right. You people like the cats.

And by "You people," you mean...

Lawyers, of course.

Why don't I just take that prospectus with me on the plane?

Got it right here.

I am so sorry.

Mergers make him really nervous.

Don't be mad.

Oh, I'm not mad, Will. I'm just a little pissed.

Grace, the bitch we hate is on line one.

Hi.

Yes, the fabric just came in and it is absolutely gorgeous.

Yes, I-- I know it's taken forever,

but that is the price you pay for imported Silk Damask.

Yeah, that and $2000 a yard. [laughs]

No, you're right. That's not funny.

Um, oh, no, but the great thing is

that we have enough for the chair,

the ottoman and settee,

so we can get started right away and--

[dogs barks]

Bad! Bad! Bad!

No, no, no, no. No.

I-- I-- I wasn't talking about you. I...

I-- I-- I was talking about my assistant.

Bad! Bad!

Grace: Horrible, horrible.

Um, excuse me, can you-- can you just, uh, just hold on a second?

Thank you.

Ok-- okay, baby. Baby, let go, sweetie.

This... No, this is-- this is-- this is not a game.

Okay, let go, let go, let go!

Hi, honey. This is Karen, Grace's assistant.

Listen, rumor has it Silk Damask is out.

Yeah.

[instrumental music]

Will: Mmm-mmm-mmm.

Who do I love?

Who do I love so much I want to drop kick? Hmm?

Who, boy? Who?

Who-who-who-who-who-who? Who? Who?

- Hi. - Hi.

May I bite your snoots?

May I bite your snoots from loves?

[snorting]

Please stop pluralizing everything.

But he's so cutes!

Look at mes.

I can't believe you are still playing with the puppy.

We've been home for three hours and you haven't moved.

- So what? - So, it's a little obsessive.

- No, it's not. - Oh, really?

On the cab ride home, I noticed you had puppy breath.

He made the first move.

Will: Hmm.

You and I are going out tonight.

How can we go out? We got wa--

Okay, guys, we're here. Get out.

What are-- what are you two doing here?

We're the babysitters.

Uh, Mr. Truman, I hope you don't mind,

but I, like, brought my girlfriend, Valerie, here,

so we can make out.

Okay, you and I are going to a movie.

I asked Jack to babysit the puppy,

and, Karen, what are you doin' here?

Oh, Jack asked me.

It was either this or my neighborhood watch meeting,

and if I have to hear Marlo Thomas one more time...

[imitating Marlo Thomas] "Phil recycles this."

"Phil recycles that."

[scoffs]

Oh, yeah, I-- I feel good about this,

lea-- leaving our puppy with Cruella de Vil...

and Karen.

Will, we need this.

We haven't gone out in a week.

We're like a 100 cans of peas and some racist literature

away from being survivalists.

I'm going to get my coat.

Okay, so what are we calling him now?

Uh, we're still not sure. I like Otto.

Oh, fat dog.

Like father like son.

- What would you suggest, Jack? - Oh, I don't know.

I was thinking something more along the lines of...

[inhales sharply] Jack.

Hmm, let me think.

Jack, quit licking that man's face.

See, he'd never know who I was talking to.

Oh, my side. Oh.

Okay, let's go.

I wanna stop by the ATM for a 100 bucks

so I can get goobers.

You know what, Gracie, you-- you go.

Although I think-- I think it's best I stay here.

No, honey, go. Go on, have a good time.

We'll take good care of your place.

And your little dog too.

He's kidding. Okay?

Come on, let's go.

Will?

Come on.

Come on, baby. Come on, Will.

Here, fetch, Will.

Okay. Okay, fine, but I'm taking my cell phone.

You call if you need anything.

The vet's number's on the fridge.

Uh, oh-- oh, play him some music.

He likes REM, but the early stuff, you know,

nothing after he shaved his head.

Did they say feed him now or later?

Forget the pooch, where's the hooch?

[laughs] Woo!

[instrumental music]

I noticed you bought the-- the-- the cheap kibble.

What's with that?

Will, this is supposed to be our night out.

Can we just watch the movie, please?

Oh, fine, fine.

You-- you told them where the Snausages were, right?

No, they'll find 'em, they'll find 'em.

I left some in every drawer just in case.

Snausages.

- Uh, is this seat taken? - No, knock yourself out.

Okay.

Hey, hi.

Remember, we met at John Canalie's party?

Oh, yeah. I remember.

Jack knows how to use the retractable leash, doesn't he?

Hello, Father Will?

Cute and interested at 9 o'clock.

[instrumental music]

Jack: Do The Hustle.

♪ Do do do do-do-do do-do-do... ♪♪

Hey, look, Karen, we're at Studio 54.

♪ Hi Liza hi Mischa

♪ And look now there's Bianca woo ♪♪

Oh, honey, I'm so glad I took it

upon myself to thin out Grace's closet.

I just could not let her go on

thinking she could pull off yellow.

Oh, Grace. A skort?

Oh.

Rosario, this is your lucky day.

Oh, oops. Here, puppy.

Here, puppy-puppy.

Pace yourself, Cujo.

[gasps] What time is it?

Oh, my God, it's 11 o'clock.

Where's his leash?

What? Why? What's going on?

What's happening? What are you telling me?

Jack: Well, it's last call.

This is when all the hotties take their dogs out

for a final poop-n-cruise.

Alright, I guess I'll head home.

Time to pay for that house in the Bahamas.

Alright, pup, it's show time and focus.

Uncle Jack needs a new pair of shoes.

Preferably with a six foot gorgeous hunk of man in 'em.

[instrumental music]

Hello? Jack? Kare...

I knew we shouldn't have left him with those two.

It was like letting the Von Bulows babysit.

They're probably out walking him.

I cannot believe you could not sit through

a 90 minute movie.

Forgive me for caring about the dog.

Are you implying that I don't care about the dog?

- You treat him like he's a-- - Dog?

He is a dog, not the Lindbergh baby.

[Will sighs]

I know he's a...

Oh, my God.

He left his chewy boot.

- Will? - This is his transition object.

Wow! You are obsessed.

No, I'm not.

- Give me your wallet. - Wh-- what?

Give me your wallet.

[scoffs] Don't know what that's gonna prove.

You are carrying around a picture of your dog

in your wallet, you weirdo!

I love this dog!

We totally bonded.

We just sat there together in the park.

He checked out butts, I checked out butts.

Where have you been?

You better not have taken this dog to Boylesque.

Because God forbid he see a half-naked man,

given that he is a completely naked dog!

Okay, let's take a dysfunction reading in the room, shall we?

Oh, yeah, the wind's a-blowin'.

George, Martha, we'll be in the kitchen eating the free food.

Let us know when it's intermission.

- Okay, I'll be joining you. - Oh, of course.

So you can obsessively monitor every milligram that he eats.

I think you've got me confused with your mother.

I would be very careful about opening the mom-bashing door.

I've got a lot of bullets in my belt.

Please stop the fighting.

I simply can't take the fighting.

Oh, it's not your fault, little one.

Sometimes bad people happen to good dogs.

- You know what I think this is? - Yeah, I do.

I-- I-- I think you think that, uh,

it-- it-- it's about me wanting a kid.

Yeah, or something Sally Jessy stupid like that.

Grace: No.

- You need to go out on a date. - What?

You need to be giving all this love and affection

to something that's, I don't know, paper trained?

Go on a date, Will. It's time.

I mean, you already have your pick up line.

[imitates Will] "May I bite your snoots

from loves?"

I mean, men were all over you at the park.

A cutie sat right next to you in the movie theater

and all you were interested in are liver snaps.

Snausages.

Whatever, same food group.

You don't need another reason not to be open to--

Okay, okay, okay, uh, message received.

- But even if that is true-- - It is.

- Even if it is-- - It is.

Boy, you're tough.

We still have a bigger problem.

I know. [sighs]

I can't take him to work every day.

Well, what about going back to my idea of doggie day care?

No, I can't. I just can't do that to a puppy. It's not fair.

Well, then, what are you suggesting?

He deserves to be with someone who can spend

tons and tons of time with him.

Well, who do we know that has that much time on his hands?

You know, I'm not very fond of blonds,

but you are fabulous.