Original subtitles

Will: Rethink it, Barry.

Or these conversations are gonna start getting ugly.

Hey, sweetie. Oh, good! You brought lunch! Yay!

[chuckles]

- Lovely outfit. - Oh.

Very Audrey Hepburn.

Great, so what you're saying is that I have the neck of a swan

and the chest of a twelve-year-old boy.

Hey.

Way to snatch an insult out of the jaws of a compliment.

- It's a gift. - Hmm. What's for lunch?

Ah, let's see.

Tuna... with a side of coleslaw for you.

And turkey on wheat for me,

with a side of--

What's this?

Oh, my God. A fabulous investment opportunity?

That's some deli.

Wait a minute. What is this?

The owner of my building is selling off space.

I have the chance to buy my studio.

By the end of the year, I'd be paying less on the mortgage

than I'm paying in rent now.

Sweetie, that's great.

Grace Adler, property owner.

Grace: I know!

And I don't even have to be the thimble or the top hat

or that weird shoe. [Will chuckles]

Uh, when do we get to the part where you start begging

for free legal services?

After I remind you that I have a photo of you

in dolphin shorts and slouch socks.

Okay, who's begging?

[theme music]

God, buying this place could be so exciting.

Just think,

these could be my cracked walls

my creaky floors,

my cramped bathroom with the non-specific rodent excrement

in my soap dish!

Oh, honey. Feces, no-no.

Hello, love, you didn't tell me

the owner of this building was English.

I shall find it impossible to conduct this transaction

without impersonating Rex Harrison.

You naughty, naughty. [chuckles]

- Okay, what did he say? - He said, um--

- "Bangers and mash!" - Will.

"Mutton chops! Snozzberries! Piccadilly!"

If you don't stop, I'm gonna flip my eyelids up.

Okay. Seems like a decent deal.

I think the price is still a little inflated,

but I think we can get him to his floor.

- His what? - His floor.

His lowest possible price.

Sweetie, stop worrying. This... is gonna happen.

[sighs] Yes!

Let's celebrate at Pablo's Cantina?

Oh, no. No Mexican. Fajita hair.

Mm.

It frizzes when the steaming chicken hits the table.

Honey, does it ever un-frizz?

Yeah. When you do work.

[laughs] Oh, honey.

Oh, oh, I got it, let's try that new German place

on third, The Hofbrau.

Oh, no. No German.

I- I can't handle the schnitzel.

- Mit my poopik in the-- - Okay, enough with the accents!

You know I hate the accents.

But of course.

Okay, okay, okay, let's go.

Big news! Hit it!

B-I-G N-E-W-S!

Big news!

Well, I guess we know it's not you coming out of the closet.

Correct.

I finally found my life's calling

and it involves these two hands.

Ah, so you're going to be self-employed.

Insert laugh here.

I'm going to be a massage therapist.

It was an obvious choice

being that I'm a people person.

I love people, as long as they're not hairy...

or smelly...

or have the dreaded bacne. Ugh.

Okay, I need some guinea pigs. Who's interested?

- Smelly. - Hairy.

Thank you, friends.

Bacne.

Oh, who am I kidding?

It's alabaster from my neck to my ass.

I just don't want to do it. [chuckles]

♪ You are so beautiful

♪ To me

Jack, I don't need a masseur.

Come on, Karen, I need a hundred hours to get certified.

Besides, I'm very attuned

to the contours of the female form.

Yeah, just because you had a Growing Up Skipper doll

doesn't mean you're ready for the real thing.

Okay?

♪ You are so beautiful

♪ To me

You know, I'm not even that crazy about massages

in the first place, honey.

♪ Can't you see-e-e-e

Oh, alright, alright.

Come over to my place. We'll do it on the lunch hour.

Any time between

12:00 and 4:00 is fine.

So, I'm pruning my CD collection and something has to go.

What's it gonna be?

Bananarama or the soundtrack

to "Footloose?"

When was the last time you listened to them?

Thirty minutes after I got them.

Toss 'em both.

Are you ready to be in the presence

of greatness?

Tell me.

I just got my landlord to the floor.

You slut.

After you left, Mr. Hutt came up

to tell me that there was another buyer

ready to put an offer on my studio, my studio.

But did I sweat? No, I leapt into action.

Wait a minute. You didn't sign anything?

Damn right I did, after I gave him a bid, and he bit.

I got him to knock off five percent.

Sucka!

- Grace! - Oh, yeah!

Five percent is not the floor.

That's like a-- the-- the tchotchke

on the coffee table on the throw rug on the floor.

Why didn't you call me?

Well, he said-- he said he tried to call you,

but that you didn't return his calls.

- So I-- - Grace, he never called me.

I was in my office all day.

He lied to me?

But that's so... dishonest.

I know, to think, in New York City,

that someone could actually try to shaft you in business.

It's... shocking.

People can... can be such meanies.

Oh, my God. I hate myself.

Wait a minute. Why go there?

It's negative.

I hate him.

I hate the British.

With those-those boney hands,

and that-- that Princess Anne

with her horse teeth.

Lose the Boy George CDs!

Hey, hey, do not take this out on the Boy.

He gave us a month and a half of some very good music.

I think I can fix this thing with your landlord

but... it might get a little ugly.

Play hardball, baby.

Throw him low and inside. He's crowdin' the plate.

- And we've gotta go for-- - Grace!

Sports, you're losing me.

Okay, this is just gonna take me a minute.

In the meantime, why don't you take some

deep cleansing breaths and try to relax, okay?

Damn it! Piece of crap!

I'm sending you love and light.

Yeah, love and light. Got it.

Hey, you know,

I have told her about this.

[dialing]

Rosario, por favor, honey.

Easy on the fabric softener.

Okay? Eh-- No--

No, honey.

Enough-o with the April Fresh-o.

You know, right now she's calling me a bitcho.

Alright, I guess we're ready. [clears throat]

Hello, welcome.

My name is Jack McFarland.

And I will be your massage therapist.

Now, I want you to take off your robe,

and I don't want you to feel uncomfortable.

- The sheet will drape you, so-- - Yeah.

I've done this before, honey. Skin to the wind!

Wow, Karen, you could bounce a quarter off that thing.

Okay.

Are there any specific areas that are troubling you?

Yeah, my marriage.

I mean your body, Karen.

Hmm, well, I don't know.

I guess my lower back is a little tight.

Ah, yes. Lower back pain.

That means you're holding onto something.

Yeah, my patience.

Can we just start it so we can end it?

And, hey, be sure to keep your hands

off of my-- [gasps]

[sighs]

So how are we gonna deal with this?

Just gonna do a little business.

Let me do the talking.

You're just the strong, silent type with an angry look.

Angry, not constipated.

Just be the strong, silent type.

Mr. Truman.

Mr. Hutt. Appreciate your coming.

- You know Grace? - I do indeed know Ms. Adler.

How well?

Well, she's been my tenant for--

I don't think you know Grace at all.

- Pardon me? - You don't know her, pal.

'Cause if you did, you'd know this woman

knows absolutely nothing about business.

Mr. Truman, your client is a perfectly competent--

Competent? [laughs]

Did you say competent?

Look at her!

Does she look particularly business-minded to you?

Does this hair say, "I went to the Harvard Business School?"

- Will-- - She's a designer.

[laughs] A designer!

You know what's up here? Pretty pillows, floor lamps.

Maybe a couple of chenille throws,

and th-- th-- that's all folks!

Not a whole lot of room left for numbers.

Which is why she caved in at five percent

and you, Mr. Hutt, took advantage of that.

- I thought the price was fair. - Fair? Fair?

Did you hear that, Grace?

Apparently, the British have a different definition

for the word "Fair," you know, the way "Lift," means elevator,

or "Fag," means cigarette.

- Mr. Truman-- - No, no, no.

I wanna know more about what

you think is fair.

First of all, there was no other buyer, was there?

And you and I both know you never tried

to get me on the phone.

So, unless you want me to place a little call

to the head of the Real Estate Board,

otherwise known as my friend Beth,

and let her know the way you did business

with this naive, vulnerable,

clueless artiste,

then I am gonna need a little bit more compensation.

Do I make myself clear?

Perfectly.

Perhaps... this price

would be a bit more agreeable to you?

Now, that is a floor.

I'll have my office draw up the new papers

and I'll bring them by tomorrow.

May I leave?

Please.

Oh, do I love doing that!

Ha! You were great, baby.

You know, that Hausfrau place, that was good.

Will: Do you wanna go back there?

Yah.

Yes, I'm sure you're starving

after all the digs

and the jabs, you go, boy.

You must have really just, uh, worked up an appetite.

- Aw, just business. - No, it is good business.

I mean, boy, you didn't

even have to search for those insults.

Ju-- just wou-- [imitates popping]

would just drop...

right out of the mouth, didn't it?

- Grace? - You know, I'm impressed.

I mean, the way you just cut right to the heart.

I mean-- [imitates shooting an arrow]

Bullseye! You got me!

You got all of me. I mean, the hair, the empty head.

I mean, I'm just surprised you didn't, uh,

go after my big feet, I mean,

that would have knocked off, what, another twenty bucks?

I don't believe you.

Come on, Grace, that was a ruse

to get him to lower the price,

a gambit, a canard.

So-- so-- so what you're saying is that y--

that you didn't mean any of it?

Where is this coming from?

You don't think I'm a good businesswoman.

- Grace. - Say it.

Say, "Grace, you're a good businesswoman."

I want to hear you say the words.

Come on, Grace. Let's--

Say it.

If you believe it, you should have no trouble saying it.

Do you think I'm a good businesswoman?

[chuckles]

That is such a loaded--

Uh, I mean-- Uh, it's hard to say.

Is-- is-- is a person--

I didn't think so.

Hmm--

I've been waitin' for those hands all day.

Karen, you're wearing me out.

I mean, when am I gonna have time to study the parts

of the body?

So far, I only know phalanges

and that's just 'cause I like saying phalanges.

Honey, I don't want to hear it!

Just do what you do, and do it to my deltoids.

This mama's like a rock.

3 o'clock tomorrow.

And I don't want you massaging anyone else.

You belong to me now.

- Don't hate me. - Don't talk to me.

- I have to talk to you. - I have to hate you.

How long are you gonna stay mad at me?

Uh, I was doing what you asked me to do.

I mean, uh, did I or did I not

get you the lowest possible price?

- You're still hating me. - You're still talking to me.

Okay, that's him, now, just sign the papers

and hate me at a more appropriate time.

Like when I shave with your Epilady.

Let's get right down to business, shall we?

Here is the new purchase price agreement

that we've agreed upon.

- Correct? - Correct.

Now, if I can just get a signature.

It's okay, Grace. You can sign it.

No.

- I beg your pardon? - I'm not signing anything.

Grace, please sign it.

See, this was supposed to be easy, and fun,

you know, like-- like-- like

the TV Guide crossword puzzle.

I mean, who are they kidding?

"Close Encounter Of The Blank Kind"?

But, you know, this, this hasn't been easy,

or fun, and I'm--

I just-- I just don't feel good about it anymore.

Grace?

Time to take off your exposed nerve hat

and put on your business bonnet.

You know what? I'm sorry.

I can't just turn it on and off like you.

If you prick me, I bleed, and right now, I am bleeding

because of a particularly unforgivable prick.

Maybe I should come back another time.

Why don't you do that?

Oh, I can't come back another time.

I'm leaving for London in the morning.

- I need this signed. - And she'll sign it. Grace?

And you know what the funny part is?

[laughs]

]There is no funny part.

My life is so unfunny, Mr. Hutt.

It's not even... funny!

I mean, what am I doing, taking on a mortgage?

I mean, my-- my life is already a mess.

I'm still renting an apartment, I don't have a driver's license,

I'm not married, I live with a gay guy--

Grace?

I haven't had sex

in five months!

And I was in Bloomingdales this morning waiting on line

to buy wrinkle cream, and this...

Jennifer Love Michelle Sarah Felicity-looking thing...

bumps into me, and says,

"Excuse me... ma'am!"

Will: Grace?

Gracie, it is not worth it.

Don't-- don't buy the place

if it's gonna make you feel like this.

Do I look like a ma'am?

Ms. Adler, I'm so sorry.

I had no idea.

No, Mr. Hutt, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that you had to see me like this.

Ms. Adler--

- About this contract? - No, no.

I-- I-- I can't right now. I just-- I can't.

Grace, you may--

Ms. Adler, it's not much

but--

perhaps I could lower the price a bit more.

Think about it.

Alright?

Now, look at me and tell me I'm not a good businesswoman.

Uh-- Oh, you're early.

I haven't even had time for a steam and scrub.

Well,

I guess you'll just have to touch me dirty.

Blow.

Oh, where's your table?

I didn't bring it.

But-- What do you mean, you didn't bring it?

I'm tired of-- of being

just a pair of hands to you, Karen.

Oh, but you're so much more than that, Jack.

Why, you're... elbows

and forearms, and thumbs, and wrists.

- And those-- - Stop it! It's over!

Over? Who do you think you are?

It's not over until I say it is.

I'm paying you good money. What?

You wanna go back to serving shrimp puffs

at museum fundraisers?

Huh. I didn't think so.

So, I'm goin' in there to take off my clothes,

and when I come back, we're just gonna do it!

No!

Karen, I can't do it anymore.

Every day, I come in here and I touch your naked body.

We don't talk, there's no emotion.

I'm acting like a straight guy, and it's making me sick.

I took an oath in front of God and my mother!

I'm here, I'm queer, get used to it.

Oh! Oh, what do I see?

Is that a five?

Allow me.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

That'll be $1700, please.

- I have a pink five. - Oh.

I guess then you'll have to mortgage

that little tenement on Skid Row.

Sucks for you.

Stick to Candy Land, girly, ah.

What is it with you?

Why is it every time money

and property are involved, you turn into a--

Skillful, savvy negotiator?

Mine only had four letters in it, but yeah.

It's the way I have to do it.

I mean, let's face it, I'm not the kind of guy that--

that hammers out a contract on the eighteenth hole

or closes a deal over brewskis at Billy's Topless.

First of all,

who closes a deal at Billy's Topless,

except, maybe, Billy?

And-- and, second of all,

don't tell me that you're gonna pull out the gay card.

It is a lot harder--

Because if you're pulling out

the gay card,

I'm pulling out the girl card,

and we both know that the girl card

trumps the gay card.

Don't make me get my friend Joni over here.

Because we both know that the only card

that trumps the girl card is the gay girl card.

Okay, I'm not losing this.

I will call Jill, my African-American,

bi-curious, dyslexic--

Forget it, I'm exhausted. I fold.

That's a good move, because I happen to know

a differently-abled transsexual with split ends

and that beats the house, mister.