Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

- Good morning. - Hi.

You're making wok food? It's 8:00 AM.

What are we having, Hunan Cream of Wheat?

[laughs]

What was that?

It was a laugh.

Hmm, pajama pants and an Armani jacket.

Kind of going for a "Frances Farmer" thing?

Oh, yeah. I must have forgotten to put my skirt on.

You want some bok choy?

- You're depressed. - No, I'm not.

Well, then I must be really happy.

What's going on with you?

Yesterday, I saw the most perfect man.

Banana Republic face, lots of corduroy

walking a springer spaniel.

And guess what?

The dog got a case of "naughty snout?"

Ew.

No.

Will, I felt nothing.

I have-- I have no romantic drive.

I mean, I can't even imagine feeling the urge.

Fantasies, gone.

Not even one of the Baldwin brothers?

No.

- Not Alec? - No.

- Not Billy? Not Stephen? - No. No.

- Danny? - None of them!

What about all four together?

- Will, we're talking about me. - Oh, yeah.

I hope you got some breakfast bars, 'cause I'm in a rush.

Let me guess. You've got a whole day of nothing ahead of you.

You know, anger doesn't really go with what you're wearing.

But then again, not much does.

I'm on the way to the gym and I'm feeling a little peckish.

- Bok choy. - Oh, bok choy.

Grace, what's with the get-up?

You look like an insane housewife

from one of the square states.

I haven't really been feeling very--

Uh-huh. Will, can you do something about this?

A letter from the IRS?

A red letter from the IRS? How many of these have you got?

Who knows? It's like every week with those guys.

I mean, haven't they gotten it by now

that I don't pay my taxes?

What are they, rejection junkies?

Isn't there a number on there you can call

to get me off the list?

Jack, this isn't an offer for Levolor blinds.

- This is the government. - Don't stress me out, Will.

I got 30 minutes of squats ahead of me

and that's where my concentration has to go.

Will: Okay.

Listen to me. Come to my office at lunch.

Bring your receipts, pay stubs, 1099s, W-2--

Ow, ow, ow... ow!

Pay stubs, receipts?

It's too much. Ah, ten what?

I can't possibly remember all of that.

10-99.

Bo Derek, Barbara Feldon.

See? Why can't the government do that?

Uh! I hate Uncle Sam. I'm so over older men.

[theme music]

[instrumental music]

Oh, honey!

I think I found something to make you feel better.

Oh, Karen, you didn't have to buy me clothes.

Oh, I didn't, honey. These are to cheer me up.

Yeah, you've been bringing me down, lady.

No, honey, these are for you.

♪ Clang clang clang went the trolley ♪

- Karen? - ♪ Ding ding went the bell

- ♪ Zing, zing, zing ♪ - Karen!

I don't take pills.

Grace, these are vitamins. They're good for you.

What vitamins are in "Percodan?"

Alright, so take 'em with a banana.

Come on, Grace, you gotta do something.

You're getting on my nerves.

I just think it's easier to embrace it.

Surrender to the gloom.

Listen to me, I'm a bi-level haircut away from Lilith Fair.

I am not gonna listen to this.

Alright, you know, we are gonna get you on the phone

with some of those dorks that used to follow you around

before you met Danny and get you out on a date.

Karen, that is my whole problem.

I'm not interested in going out on a date.

Grace, desperate times call for desperate measures.

It's time to get your head out of the dumps

and your legs in the air.

Okay, why not?

[grunts]

Zander Freeman.

Oh, gosh, he was so sweet.

Well, there you go. Call him.

I think I will. He was so nice.

He liked my perfume. And my shampoo.

- He was a sniffer. - Oh!

Is that weird? I-- I'm just gonna call him.

Will you call him for me? Or maybe I'll seem stupid.

No, make me seem official. Or maybe I'll seem snobby.

No, it'll be cool. No, it'll be stupid.

Oh, give me the card, Hamletta!

Honey, we talked about this blouse.

Oh, hello. Zander Freeman, please.

Yes, hello, Zander. I have Grace Adler calling.

Oh! Oh, yes, she's just as beautiful as ever.

Oh! Oh, that's very sweet. Goodbye!

He's gotten fat.

What? What? What-- what did you just do?

Honey, he had the "ho-ho-ho" chortle

which basically says, "I'm a fatty now."

But come on, honey, don't give up the ghost.

We'll get there. Come on, spin again.

[instrumental music]

Now, if I'm gonna do this, I wanna earmark

where my tax dollars are being spent.

AIDS research and... better uniforms for the Army.

I don't know, something with shorts.

Do you have any idea how the government works?

No, but I do know I get a little funny in the tummy

around the Washington Monument.

Come on. Will, lots of people don't pay their taxes.

Yeah, they're called criminals.

Can we talk about something else?

Jack...

You haven't paid your taxes for... ever.

Let me paint a picture of how it's gonna go.

Nadia.

Ten-point-O.

First of all, they'll give you a payment plan,

which you won't follow.

Then they'll garnish your wages, which you don't have.

Then they'll take away everything you own,

which would be your gym membership.

Then, finally, they will put you in jail.

No, no, no. They can't put me in jail.

'Cause since I never started paying my taxes,

I can continue not paying them.

I saw that on television.

On what? "The Delusional Channel?"

Jack, AI Capone murdered half of Chicago.

Do you know what they put him away for?

One single count of tax evasion.

Do you understand what I'm saying?

What time is it? There's a cardio-funk class

I want to take, Magnus is teaching.

Jack, I called the IRS.

They're sending an agent Friday.

A person? Like, in person?

Isn't there any other alternative?

Well, there's Canada.

But you could only wear short shorts

two months of the year.

Yeah, I know, Mom. I'm watching it right now.

No, trust me, it is not a good way to meet men.

Because gay men don't ballroom dance.

Oh, yeah, I see him. Well, not the men I want.

Yeah, oh, I gotta go now.

The mambo competition is starting.

Yeah, I love you, too.

- Hi. - Hey.

- What are you watching? - National Ballroom Competition.

You know, they're so tacky, but in that magnificent way.

I don't know where to put my emotions.

- How was your date? - It sucked.

Gonna need a little more.

It was fine. It was nothing. It was beige.

He was beige, I was beige, the food was beige.

It was beige.

Did you give him a little sugar?

No.

Did you give him a little nectar?

- No. - A little fructose?

No! Nothing happened.

After dinner, he walked me to the subway.

He was talking, I was tuning in and out

and I started doing that thing where I close one eye

and he was standing in front of the bench.

Then I closed the other eye

and he was standing next to the bench.

In front of the bench, next to the bench.

In front of the bench, next to the bench.

He probably thought I was flirting with him.

Yeah. He probably thought you had a neurological disorder.

I don't know. I must have a bug in my romance software.

Ooh, cha-cha time.

Shall we?

I'm a freak.

[instrumental music]

Hey, you're not a freak. Cha-cha-cha.

- What am I gonna do? Huh? - Dip and pivot.

I just don't get it.

I mean before Danny, I used to date all the time.

I mean, I was a little dating machine. I loved men.

I mean... what's so different in my life now that I--

that I don't like men?

It doesn't make any sense at all.

What, do you want to lead?

No, it's you.

This is too much fun. I'm having too much fun.

- What? - It's-- it's you.

You're the reason it isn't working.

You're the reason I'm not interested in men.

[instrumental music]

[knocking on door] Grace: Will?

Will, open up. I have to talk to you.

Will?

Grace? What are you doing? What time is it?

Look, I figured out what needs to be done.

You and I have to start seeing less of each other.

Okay. Let's start now.

No!

No, Will, open up! Come on, I'm not done!

- Okay, come on. Come on. - Grace.

- Let's go down to the sofa. - Oh!

Please don't tell me you're still blaming me

for your crappy love life.

Can't you just blame your parents

like everybody else?

I am putting a moratorium on us.

Because if I'm having fun with you,

there is no room in my life to be having fun with someone else.

Who? Who is this person you want to have fun with?

The other person I could be having fun with

if I weren't having fun with you.

I'm not having fun.

- Are you having fun? - No.

Well, then I guess we've achieved our goal.

Will, look we have to

think of ourselves more as just roommates.

We can't do everything together. Oh, my God, look at me.

I'm following you into the kitchen.

This is exactly what I'm talking about.

We can't do everything together.

Like food, like meals.

We-- we do too much food together.

Well, what if we're home, and we're both hungry?

See?

Why are we always hungry at the same time?

We're too close.

I mean, we wash our delicates together.

- That is just weird. - No, Grace.

No, what's weird is that... I have delicates.

- You want some coffee? - Yes.

No! No coffee!

Ooh, you're dangerous. [Will scoffs]

So let me get this straight, if-- if...

if you eat breakfast alone... you'll get the urge to date?

Yes.

Look, Will, I have to make room in my life for romance.

So let's just do this, at least for a couple of weeks.

- Well, I think you're wrong. - I think I'm right.

Well, I'd just like to go on record as saying

I think this is ridiculous!

- Note taken. - Any more rules?

One. Starts immediately.

Fine.

Feeling horny yet?

Man: I'm not convinced.

I don't consider that a reasonable deduction.

Jack, everything okay over there?

I'm fine.

How do you substantiate the $2100

for magazine subscriptions?

Oh, that's research for when

he was employed as a fact-finder.

[clears throat]

"Guy World?"

Oh, Peter, Paul, and Mary, I'm going down!

Um, will you excuse us just-- just for a minute?

Please, make it quick.

- Pull yourself together. - I can't handle this.

I'm freaking out.

Oh God, this is worse than

when I was caught shoplifting at Lane Bryant.

You have to calm down. We-- we need to act professional.

I can't go to jail, Will.

I'll never pull off the jumpsuit.

I have no waist.

If you don't just--

No, don't-- don't let them take me, Will.

I still have a novella to write. I've never met Barbara Eden!

My life is just beginning!

I'm sorry for that "Knots Landing" moment.

But believe me, it was necessary.

You're allotted one of those in your lifetime.

You just cashed in.

Alright, bring that son of a bitch back in here

and let's wrap this thing up!

We're, ah, we're ready.

I gave you a couple of the other deductions.

I think we're done. Here's the figure you owe.

Oh, okay, uh...

Now, I'd be more comfortable with, uh--

Jack, we're not buying a car.

This is fine, thank you.

I left you some forms about possible payment plans.

- Good day. - Thanks.

What am I gonna do? I can't come up with $2,000.

Jack, relax, you know, there are three things

in this world you can count on.

Death, taxes, and... me.

Oh, thanks, Will.

- Just so we're clear-- - I'm paying it!

Okay.

So, I went to culinary school for three years and...

I don't know, I just always loved to cook. Five sisters.

And it turned out great, because while I was

making Sunday dinner, they were out mowing the lawn.

[thinking] And in front of the bar.

Next to the bar.

In front of the bar...

Alright, boys. My deal.

The name of the game is seven-card stud.

Deuces and one-eyed jacks wild.

Low spade in the hole splits the pot

and don't forget to tip your dealer.

Here's a tip, cards are dealt down.

No, not in this game.

No, it's seven-card stud.

The first two cards are dealt down.

Not in my version, boss man.

It's stud poke...

Alright, look, you-- you called low spade in the hole.

If all the cards are up, where's the hole?

I'm looking at him.

Oh, alright! Blah, blah, blah!

- You deal. - Alright.

Okay, new deck.

The game is "Follow The Queen."

I don't know where to turn.

Okay, "Follow The Queen?"

How... How do you know which cards are wild again?

They follow the queen.

Wow, it's like playing cards with

Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Diva.

My, my, somebody's boxer briefs are in a twist.

Oh, my God, Karen.

You have no idea how hard it is for Will.

I mean, poof, Grace changes the rules

and they're not stuck at the hip anymore.

I mean, it's so hard.

- You want to go to jail? - No, sorry. Love you, kisses.

Okay, Karen, it's to you.

Mm, I'll check.

- Jack? - Okay, ladies.

Papa needs a new pair of flip-flops.

Could you move over?

You're a little close.

News flash, you can't catch it.

Hey, everybody.

A little pokey going on?

Karen, what are you doing here?

Jack invited me, but more importantly

what are you doing here?

You were on a date, honey.

You should have a tongue in your ear right now.

Yeah, he was a great guy. But guess what, Will?

I felt nothing. Isn't that great?

It wasn't you. You had nothing to do with it.

It's me. I'm dead on the inside.

That's terrific. Karen, it's up to you.

Oh, honey, you sound just like Stan in bed.

[laughing]

- So can I get in? - Oh, ah, no.

I don't think so 'cause, you know

that would fall under the fun category.

And aren't we still in the midst of a fun embargo?

Oh, no, no, no, honey. Didn't you hear what I said?

- Embargo lifted. - Yeah, no, I...

I'd love to let you play, roomie

but, ah, this is for your own good.

- Will? - Grace, no.

This week, Joey teaches Blossom

a valuable lesson about tough love.

I'm waving the white delicate.

Can we be friends again?

I don't know, I made a lot of money tonight.

I was gonna buy myself a new one.

- Ask me about my date. - How was your date?

Don't ask.

He was... handsome

sensual, talented, and not even a flutter.

It's just weird.

Grace, you're being way too hard on yourself.

So you're in a low sex drive phase right now.

Everybody gets there once in a while.

Except Jack, and he should be studied.

It doesn't feel like a phase.

It just-- it feels like you're trying to force something, Grace

and you can't.

It'll happen when it happens.

That's the way I'm dealing with it.

[both honk]

- Are we back in fun mode? - Yeah.

Good. Agent Grace, here is your assignment.

Go out and rent the video "Point Break."

We'll do a Keanu Reeves, high-fat ice cream combo pack.

Mmm, Keanu in rubber

and chocolate-chocolate chip.

Now, that's a lot of sugar.

Yes!

Oh, and, Gracie, ah, the next time

you're gonna offer me a truce,

wave your own white delicates.

Yours are prettier.

[elevator dings]

- Hey. - Hi.

You ever notice the "4" never lights up?

- Hmm? - The "4" never lights up.

Really?

Oh, yeah. Look at that. You're right.

Of course, now we're gonna stop at four.

Oops. Ha-ha, sorry.

Look at the bright side, we get to spend another

fifteen seconds with each other.

Oops.