All language subtitles for Will & Grace (1998) - S01E07 - Where Theres a Will, Theres No Way 1080p WEBDL h264 AAC 2.0

[instrumental music]

- Good morning.
- Hi.

You're making wok food?
It's 8:00 AM.

What are we having,
Hunan Cream of Wheat?

[laughs]

What was that?

It was a laugh.

Hmm, pajama pants
and an Armani jacket.

Kind of going for
a "Frances Farmer" thing?

Oh, yeah. I must have
forgotten to put my skirt on.

You want some bok choy?

- You're depressed.
- No, I'm not.

Well, then I must be
really happy.

What's going on with you?

Yesterday, I saw
the most perfect man.

Banana Republic face,
lots of corduroy

walking a springer spaniel.

And guess what?

The dog got a case
of "naughty snout?"

Ew.

No.

Will, I felt nothing.

I have-- I have no
romantic drive.

I mean, I can't even imagine
feeling the urge.

Fantasies, gone.

Not even one of
the Baldwin brothers?

No.

- Not Alec?
- No.

- Not Billy? Not Stephen?
- No. No.

- Danny?
- None of them!

What about all four together?

- Will, we're talking about me.
- Oh, yeah.

I hope you got some breakfast
bars, 'cause I'm in a rush.

Let me guess. You've got a whole
day of nothing ahead of you.

You know, anger doesn't really
go with what you're wearing.

But then again, not much does.

I'm on the way to the gym and
I'm feeling a little peckish.

- Bok choy.
- Oh, bok choy.

Grace, what's with the get-up?

You look like an
insane housewife

from one of the square states.

I haven't really
been feeling very--

Uh-huh. Will, can you do
something about this?

A letter from the IRS?

A red letter from the IRS?
How many of these have you got?

Who knows? It's like every week
with those guys.

I mean, haven't they
gotten it by now

that I don't pay my taxes?

What are they,
rejection junkies?

Isn't there a number on there
you can call

to get me off the list?

Jack, this isn't an offer
for Levolor blinds.

- This is the government.
- Don't stress me out, Will.

I got 30 minutes
of squats ahead of me

and that's where
my concentration has to go.

Will: Okay.

Listen to me.
Come to my office at lunch.

Bring your receipts,
pay stubs, 1099s, W-2--

Ow, ow, ow... ow!

Pay stubs, receipts?

It's too much. Ah, ten what?

I can't possibly remember
all of that.

10-99.

Bo Derek, Barbara Feldon.

See? Why can't
the government do that?

Uh! I hate Uncle Sam.
I'm so over older men.

[theme music]

[instrumental music]

Oh, honey!

I think I found something
to make you feel better.

Oh, Karen, you didn't have
to buy me clothes.

Oh, I didn't, honey.
These are to cheer me up.

Yeah, you've been
bringing me down, lady.

No, honey, these are for you.

♪ Clang clang clang
went the trolley ♪

- Karen?
- ♪ Ding ding went the bell

- ♪ Zing, zing, zing ♪
- Karen!

I don't take pills.

Grace, these are vitamins.
They're good for you.

What vitamins are in "Percodan?"

Alright, so take 'em
with a banana.

Come on, Grace,
you gotta do something.

You're getting on my nerves.

I just think it's easier
to embrace it.

Surrender to the gloom.

Listen to me, I'm a bi-level
haircut away from Lilith Fair.

I am not gonna listen to this.

Alright, you know, we are gonna
get you on the phone

with some of those dorks
that used to follow you around

before you met Danny
and get you out on a date.

Karen, that is my whole problem.

I'm not interested
in going out on a date.

Grace, desperate times
call for desperate measures.

It's time to get
your head out of the dumps

and your legs in the air.

Okay, why not?

[grunts]

Zander Freeman.

Oh, gosh, he was so sweet.

Well, there you go. Call him.

I think I will.
He was so nice.

He liked my perfume.
And my shampoo.

- He was a sniffer.
- Oh!

Is that weird?
I-- I'm just gonna call him.

Will you call him for me?
Or maybe I'll seem stupid.

No, make me seem official.
Or maybe I'll seem snobby.

No, it'll be cool.
No, it'll be stupid.

Oh, give me the card, Hamletta!

Honey, we talked
about this blouse.

Oh, hello.
Zander Freeman, please.

Yes, hello, Zander.
I have Grace Adler calling.

Oh! Oh, yes, she's just
as beautiful as ever.

Oh! Oh, that's very sweet.
Goodbye!

He's gotten fat.

What? What?
What-- what did you just do?

Honey, he had
the "ho-ho-ho" chortle

which basically says,
"I'm a fatty now."

But come on, honey,
don't give up the ghost.

We'll get there.
Come on, spin again.

[instrumental music]

Now, if I'm gonna do this,
I wanna earmark

where my tax dollars
are being spent.

AIDS research and... better
uniforms for the Army.

I don't know,
something with shorts.

Do you have any idea
how the government works?

No, but I do know I get
a little funny in the tummy

around the Washington Monument.

Come on. Will, lots of people
don't pay their taxes.

Yeah, they're called criminals.

Can we talk about
something else?

Jack...

You haven't paid
your taxes for... ever.

Let me paint a picture
of how it's gonna go.

Nadia.

Ten-point-O.

First of all,
they'll give you a payment plan,

which you won't follow.

Then they'll garnish your wages,
which you don't have.

Then they'll take away
everything you own,

which would be
your gym membership.

Then, finally,
they will put you in jail.

No, no, no.
They can't put me in jail.

'Cause since I never
started paying my taxes,

I can continue not paying them.

I saw that on television.

On what?
"The Delusional Channel?"

Jack, AI Capone murdered
half of Chicago.

Do you know what
they put him away for?

One single count of tax evasion.

Do you understand
what I'm saying?

What time is it?
There's a cardio-funk class

I want to take,
Magnus is teaching.

Jack, I called the IRS.

They're sending
an agent Friday.

A person? Like, in person?

Isn't there any
other alternative?

Well, there's Canada.

But you could only wear
short shorts

two months of the year.

Yeah, I know, Mom.
I'm watching it right now.

No, trust me, it is not
a good way to meet men.

Because gay men
don't ballroom dance.

Oh, yeah, I see him.
Well, not the men I want.

Yeah, oh, I gotta go now.

The mambo competition
is starting.

Yeah, I love you, too.

- Hi.
- Hey.

- What are you watching?
- National Ballroom Competition.

You know, they're so tacky,
but in that magnificent way.

I don't know
where to put my emotions.

- How was your date?
- It sucked.

Gonna need a little more.

It was fine.
It was nothing. It was beige.

He was beige, I was beige,
the food was beige.

It was beige.

Did you give him
a little sugar?

No.

Did you give him
a little nectar?

- No.
- A little fructose?

No! Nothing happened.

After dinner,
he walked me to the subway.

He was talking,
I was tuning in and out

and I started doing that thing
where I close one eye

and he was standing
in front of the bench.

Then I closed the other eye

and he was standing
next to the bench.

In front of the bench,
next to the bench.

In front of the bench,
next to the bench.

He probably thought
I was flirting with him.

Yeah. He probably thought
you had a neurological disorder.

I don't know. I must have a bug
in my romance software.

Ooh, cha-cha time.

Shall we?

I'm a freak.

[instrumental music]

Hey, you're not a freak.
Cha-cha-cha.

- What am I gonna do? Huh?
- Dip and pivot.

I just don't get it.

I mean before Danny,
I used to date all the time.

I mean, I was a little dating
machine. I loved men.

I mean... what's so different
in my life now that I--

that I don't like men?

It doesn't make
any sense at all.

What, do you want to lead?

No, it's you.

This is too much fun.
I'm having too much fun.

- What?
- It's-- it's you.

You're the reason
it isn't working.

You're the reason
I'm not interested in men.

[instrumental music]

[knocking on door]
Grace: Will?

Will, open up.
I have to talk to you.

Will?

Grace? What are you doing?
What time is it?

Look, I figured out
what needs to be done.

You and I have to start
seeing less of each other.

Okay. Let's start now.

No!

No, Will, open up!
Come on, I'm not done!

- Okay, come on. Come on.
- Grace.

- Let's go down to the sofa.
- Oh!

Please don't tell me
you're still blaming me

for your crappy love life.

Can't you just
blame your parents

like everybody else?

I am putting a moratorium on us.

Because if I'm having
fun with you,

there is no room in my life to
be having fun with someone else.

Who? Who is this person
you want to have fun with?

The other person
I could be having fun with

if I weren't having fun
with you.

I'm not having fun.

- Are you having fun?
- No.

Well, then I guess
we've achieved our goal.

Will, look we have to

think of ourselves
more as just roommates.

We can't do everything together.
Oh, my God, look at me.

I'm following you
into the kitchen.

This is exactly
what I'm talking about.

We can't do everything together.

Like food, like meals.

We-- we do
too much food together.

Well, what if we're home,
and we're both hungry?

See?

Why are we always hungry
at the same time?

We're too close.

I mean, we wash
our delicates together.

- That is just weird.
- No, Grace.

No, what's weird
is that... I have delicates.

- You want some coffee?
- Yes.

No! No coffee!

Ooh, you're dangerous.
[Will scoffs]

So let me get this straight,
if-- if...

if you eat breakfast alone...
you'll get the urge to date?

Yes.

Look, Will, I have to make room
in my life for romance.

So let's just do this,
at least for a couple of weeks.

- Well, I think you're wrong.
- I think I'm right.

Well, I'd just like to
go on record as saying

I think this is ridiculous!

- Note taken.
- Any more rules?

One. Starts immediately.

Fine.

Feeling horny yet?

Man: I'm not convinced.

I don't consider that
a reasonable deduction.

Jack, everything okay
over there?

I'm fine.

How do you substantiate
the $2100

for magazine subscriptions?

Oh, that's research for when

he was employed
as a fact-finder.

[clears throat]

"Guy World?"

Oh, Peter, Paul, and Mary,
I'm going down!

Um, will you excuse us
just-- just for a minute?

Please, make it quick.

- Pull yourself together.
- I can't handle this.

I'm freaking out.

Oh God, this is worse than

when I was caught
shoplifting at Lane Bryant.

You have to calm down. We-- we
need to act professional.

I can't go to jail, Will.

I'll never pull off
the jumpsuit.

I have no waist.

If you don't just--

No, don't--
don't let them take me, Will.

I still have a novella to write.
I've never met Barbara Eden!

My life is just beginning!

I'm sorry for that
"Knots Landing" moment.

But believe me,
it was necessary.

You're allotted one of those
in your lifetime.

You just cashed in.

Alright, bring that
son of a bitch back in here

and let's wrap this thing up!

We're, ah, we're ready.

I gave you a couple
of the other deductions.

I think we're done.
Here's the figure you owe.

Oh, okay, uh...

Now, I'd be more
comfortable with, uh--

Jack, we're not buying a car.

This is fine, thank you.

I left you some forms
about possible payment plans.

- Good day.
- Thanks.

What am I gonna do?
I can't come up with $2,000.

Jack, relax, you know,
there are three things

in this world you can count on.

Death, taxes, and... me.

Oh, thanks, Will.

- Just so we're clear--
- I'm paying it!

Okay.

So, I went to culinary school
for three years and...

I don't know, I just always
loved to cook. Five sisters.

And it turned out great,
because while I was

making Sunday dinner,
they were out mowing the lawn.

[thinking]
And in front of the bar.

Next to the bar.

In front of the bar...

Alright, boys. My deal.

The name of the game
is seven-card stud.

Deuces and one-eyed jacks wild.

Low spade in the hole
splits the pot

and don't forget
to tip your dealer.

Here's a tip,
cards are dealt down.

No, not in this game.

No, it's seven-card stud.

The first two cards
are dealt down.

Not in my version, boss man.

It's stud poke...

Alright, look, you-- you called
low spade in the hole.

If all the cards are up,
where's the hole?

I'm looking at him.

Oh, alright! Blah, blah, blah!

- You deal.
- Alright.

Okay, new deck.

The game is "Follow The Queen."

I don't know where to turn.

Okay, "Follow The Queen?"

How... How do you know
which cards are wild again?

They follow the queen.

Wow, it's like
playing cards with

Tweedle Dumb and
Tweedle Diva.

My, my, somebody's
boxer briefs are in a twist.

Oh, my God, Karen.

You have no idea
how hard it is for Will.

I mean, poof,
Grace changes the rules

and they're not stuck
at the hip anymore.

I mean, it's so hard.

- You want to go to jail?
- No, sorry. Love you, kisses.

Okay, Karen, it's to you.

Mm, I'll check.

- Jack?
- Okay, ladies.

Papa needs a new pair
of flip-flops.

Could you move over?

You're a little close.

News flash, you can't catch it.

Hey, everybody.

A little pokey going on?

Karen, what are you doing here?

Jack invited me,
but more importantly

what are you doing here?

You were on a date, honey.

You should have a tongue
in your ear right now.

Yeah, he was a great guy.
But guess what, Will?

I felt nothing.
Isn't that great?

It wasn't you.
You had nothing to do with it.

It's me.
I'm dead on the inside.

That's terrific.
Karen, it's up to you.

Oh, honey, you sound
just like Stan in bed.

[laughing]

- So can I get in?
- Oh, ah, no.

I don't think so
'cause, you know

that would fall
under the fun category.

And aren't we still
in the midst of a fun embargo?

Oh, no, no, no, honey.
Didn't you hear what I said?

- Embargo lifted.
- Yeah, no, I...

I'd love to let you play,
roomie

but, ah,
this is for your own good.

- Will?
- Grace, no.

This week,
Joey teaches Blossom

a valuable lesson
about tough love.

I'm waving the white delicate.

Can we be friends again?

I don't know, I made
a lot of money tonight.

I was gonna buy myself
a new one.

- Ask me about my date.
- How was your date?

Don't ask.

He was... handsome

sensual, talented,
and not even a flutter.

It's just weird.

Grace, you're being
way too hard on yourself.

So you're in a low
sex drive phase right now.

Everybody gets there
once in a while.

Except Jack,
and he should be studied.

It doesn't feel like a phase.

It just-- it feels like you're
trying to force something, Grace

and you can't.

It'll happen when it happens.

That's the way
I'm dealing with it.

[both honk]

- Are we back in fun mode?
- Yeah.

Good. Agent Grace,
here is your assignment.

Go out and rent the video
"Point Break."

We'll do a Keanu Reeves,
high-fat ice cream combo pack.

Mmm, Keanu in rubber

and chocolate-chocolate chip.

Now, that's a lot of sugar.

Yes!

Oh, and, Gracie,
ah, the next time

you're gonna offer me a truce,

wave your own white delicates.

Yours are prettier.

[elevator dings]

- Hey.
- Hi.

You ever notice
the "4" never lights up?

- Hmm?
- The "4" never lights up.

Really?

Oh, yeah. Look at that.
You're right.

Of course, now we're
gonna stop at four.

Oops. Ha-ha, sorry.

Look at the bright side,
we get to spend another

fifteen seconds with each other.

Oops.