Original subtitles

- Switch. - Whoa, whoa, whoa!

- Hold on a second. - What's the problem?

My horoscope says I shouldn't rush into any change.

Give me that.

Happy Halloween!

Listen. Dilemma.

Donald and I were going to the parade tonight.

We had a whole Biblical thing planned.

We were going to go as Adam and Steve.

But he crapped out on me.

It's going to be hard to top last year.

They went as second-hand smoke.

Preachy, perhaps, but, uh, we saved some lives.

Will, come on, I can only do this with you,

you're my best friend. We'll have so much fun together.

Well, how am I going to say no to that?

No.

Grace, I can only do this with you. You're my best friend.

We'll have so much fun together.

Sorry, Halloween means nothing to me.

[gasps] God can hear you

right through the building, and she's not happy.

Jack, what's the point

of dressing up like a fairy princess

when I'm not going to get ten feet

without seeing a hundred drag queens

prettier than me?

News flash, this is

a holiday for six-year-olds.

Hey, Halloween just happens to be the one day

out of the year that makes the other 364 bearable.

This and the Tony Awards.

But fine, turn your back on the gay high holy day.

But it is sacrilege!

Will: Have a good time, and remember,

wear reflective tape, get lots of candy

and don't put anything in your mouth that isn't wrapped.

[theme music]

Karen, you have to come with me. I can only do this with you.

You're my best friend. We'll have so much fun together.

Oh, honey, I'm flattered, but no. No.

I had the greatest costume.

My fig leaf was an actual fig leaf.

I had to keep it in the crisper all week.

What, the leaf?

And then, Donald decided he'd rather spend Halloween

with his wife and kids. [scoffs]

Now, there's a costume.

Come on, Karen, come Downtown with me.

Honey, I can't go.

I have a home, a husband,

and three beautiful stepchi...

No, wait, two. Two beautiful stepchildren.

Sorry.

- Yeah, Olivia and... - Mason?

- Honey, I was getting there! - You're right, you're right.

Spend Halloween with your family.

Take your husband's kids by their sticky little paws.

Knock on the doors of the neighbors that hate you,

block after block after block.

I know, it sounds heinous, but--

In flat shoes.

You know, I've never been Downtown on Halloween.

[gasps] Oh, my God, a virgin!

You have to come. You'll be worshipped.

I don't know, honey. I really shouldn't.

How? Worshipped, how?

Well, look at you. You're like an icon to gay men.

Oh! He-he.

You've got the sass, the class, the ass.

Oh!

- What'll I wear? - Oh, I don't know.

We'd go as a team, like Donnie and Marie, or Sonny and Cher.

Oh, honey, you'd be cute as Sonny.

No, no, I'd be Cher.

♪ If I could turn back time

♪ If I could find a whoa ♪

Look, I'm not going unless I can be the girl, alright?

So you figure something out.

I just have one costume criterion.

Boobs up and out.

I'll show you the prospectus by the end of the day,

along with the most recent fiscal projections.

Herb, let's shuck right down to the cob.

You want to buy this company, I want to sell this company.

So, let's try to work this thing out.

What do you say?

Alright. Good, good.

Send my love to Barbara.

Oh, uh...

Well, then, send my love to Katarina.

Alright, goodbye.

See, I-- I was going to close with,

"Shuck right down to the cob."

[laughing]

You know what the secret to big business is, Will?

Act like you don't need the money.

Harlin, you don't need the money.

Makes it that much easier.

Well, I better skedaddle. I gotta pick up my kids.

- Your kids are in town? - Yeah.

They're having a tour of the stock exchange.

Are you planning on taking them public?

I'm planning on selling 'em short.

Tonight, I'm gonna show 'em a real New York City Halloween.

That ought to scare the bejesus out of 'em.

- So, uh, what are you going as? - I'm not going.

I stopped dressing up when I grew out of my mother's shoes.

You know I'm joking, right?

Okay.

Grace and I don't do Halloween, you know,

it's-- it's a kids' holiday.

Oh, you're missing out.

Halloween is the best holiday of the year.

You'll see what I'm talking about when you get married

and have your own ch-- children.

Or-- or when you have your commitment ceremony

and adopt your Himalayan whistle kid.

Or whatever it is that's in vogue with you fellas now.

Will: Here, taste this.

Is there enough curry?

Oh, my God!

Hot! Hot, hot! Hot, hot!

Oh, my God, I'm sweating.

My teeth are sweating. Oh!

- So a little bit more? - Just a touch.

[knocking on door] Jack: Open up! It's the cops.

Jack.

Ten dollars he's in buttless chaps.

Oh, my God.

Guess what we are?

Ah, a Catholic girl gone bad...

and, Karen, what are you supposed to be?

Oh!

No, no, no. We're Body and Soul.

I'm Body, obviously.

- And Jack is... - Soul.

David Soul, as in Starsky and Hutch?

Listen, we're kind of in a hurry, okay?

Maybe I didn't mention, most important day of the year.

I want to get there before the parade starts.

So, uh, one last chance. You comin'?

Okay, okay. We just, one thing we need to do first.

Everything else in our lives.

Fine.

I don't dig these squares anyway.

Come on, foxy. Let's bring down the man.

I've got your back.

Oh, boy.

This is going to get real old, real quick.

Okay.

The wine... is breathing.

The food is under control.

Okay, pretending not to see

"Shirley MacLaine's Inner Workout."

I'll respond to that in my next life.

Okay, our Ingmar Bergman film festival

is about to commence.

- How excited are we? - I am very excited.

In a bleak, desolate, existential, void-y kind of way.

[knocking on door]

Jack, go away, Grace and I are...

are naked and oiled-up,

and about to engage in some Greco-Roman wrestling.

Harlin: How long you think that'll take, Will?

I'm double-parked.

Harlin, that's ju...

That's just something Grace and I say.

Don't explain, it's just all part of

what makes you special, Will.

Harlin: Hi, Grace. Grace: Hi.

- Uh, what are you doing here? - Uh, kids?

With your kids.

Will: Hi.

I see the resemblance.

Look, Will. The deal with Herb is going hinky.

Harlin: He wants to have a face-to-face.

I got to fly to Boston right now.

So, you want me to come with you?

Uh, no.

- I want you to watch my kids. - Tonight?

- He said yes! Go on in. - Whoa-- whoa!

I really feel terrible. I didn't know what else to do.

You're the only folks I know in New York.

Oh, by the way, say, say hello to Nixon and Buzzy Wuzzy.

- They're in character. - Right.

Be good. Daddy loves you a bunch of oil wells.

- I'll try to get back tonight. - Wait, wait, try?

Will, like I told you, Herb is hinky.

I, uh, I... Mm.

Hi.

My dad voted for you.

Will, what are we going to do?

I'm allergic to bees, and I'm a democrat.

[laughing]

Hi.

Just so you know, I'm Grace.

And I live here too, with Will.

This is not a conventional arrangement, but...

What is convention, really?

Grace, what are you saying?

I don't know, I'm feeling very...

little Tommy has two mommies.

Uh, you guys breathe in there?

Yeah? You-- you want to take your masks off?

Would you like some curried lamb?

Or some vindaloo?

Good, Grace. Singe their mouths.

I don't know what to do. I'm trying.

Okay, well, how about trying to get them some juice?

- Juice? - Hmm! Juice.

Juice. Kids like juice. I'm all over the juice.

Stop saying juice.

Um... Hey, we got videos.

You guys like watching videos? Good, okay.

Uh, this one-- this one's about a-- a man that plays a game

of chess... with death.

Okay, let's see what the other one is.

Uh, three sisters confront the slow, painful

death of the fourth sister.

You're not going to see that on Nickelodeon.

Good job!

Okay, I'm back.

Here's your juice.

Clamato.

Clamato juice.

Will: Yeah, it's every kid's favorite drink.

The fresh taste of tomato with the tang of clam.

Oh! No, no, no. No fuzzy wuzzy buzzy.

There's a house rule, no gnawing on

the three-hundred-dollar Chinese silk.

We gotta have something they can play with.

I mean, do we have any toys?

I don't know what toys you have in the house

but mine are very grown-up.

Well, all we have to eat is some fresh melon

and fat-free Fig Newtons.

And the, uh, Clamato ain't movin'.

Look, let...

Let's take them out trick-or-treating

in the building, half an hour, then we can eat.

- Fine. - Okay, you two.

We're going to go trick-or-treating.

- Wait. - Why, what?

I think Mr. President has to go potty.

Okay, here's the plan.

I promised Victor, Toby, Daniel, Patrick,

little Patrick, and Roy

that we'd meet for a little quick drink at Boy Bar.

Then, we're gonna hook up with Sergio, Steve, Anthony,

and Kent on St. Marks.

Alright, alright, I get it.

It's girls' night out.

Lord, look at this place.

We're three seconds away from being mugged or pierced.

Karen, would you stop worrying? Nothing's going to harm you.

Not while I'm around.

Uh-oh.

♪ Nothing's gonna harm you

♪ Not while I'm around ♪

Oh, good. Now I feel safe.

You'll frighten 'em away with an Angela Lansbury ballad.

Come on, honey. This place is dangerous.

I'm supposed to be uptown looking down on all of this.

I'm going home.

[gasps]

Oh, Mr. Sister, you are so fierce.

[snapping]

Ten points for realness, baby.

Well, thank you, ladies.

Snap-snap. He-he.

- He thinks you're a man. - He thinks I'm a ten!

Nixon. Hey, Nixon.

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Nixon!

I don't want to have to tell you again.

Stop shoving your sister.

[knocking on door]

Can I get some help, please?

You guys want to watch four hours of Swedish cinema?

Then behave yourselves.

Don't run!

- Not you! - Oh!

[knocking on door] Trick or treat.

- Hey, 9C! - Jerry.

Let's see what we've got for ya'.

Mmm. Looks like all I got left is half a Zagnut.

Hey, hey, hey.

We don't throw our pumpkins, Mr. President.

I don't care how frustrated you--

- Hello? - Hi, I...

Hi.

Will: Hello. Male #1: Hi.

Um... Uh, sorry about that.

This... I haven't seen you around the building.

You must've just moved in.

No, I'm, uh... I'm down from New Hampshire.

- I'm just visiting my sister. - Really?

- I'm Will. - Sam.

Nice to meet you. I'm, uh, 9C.

Will, Buzzy threw up in her mask.

I cleaned her up but she still wants to go outside.

I say we just get their candy, get them to bed,

and try to salvage whatever is left of our evening together,

okay?

- See ya. - Yeah.

Thank you. That was perfect timing.

- I don't have to be doing this. - Oh, really?

We-- well, you know, I didn't have to spend Labor Day

with your Aunt Marsha in Boca Raton.

But not, not that I didn't love the Yarn Fair,

but...

I could've done without half the condo complex

pointing at me and whispering, "So, that's the faggela."

Okay. We're playing that game? Four words, Will.

Grandma Truman's bedpan.

- Bedpan is one word. - Doesn't erase the memory.

That woman made you a quilt.

No, she sold me a quilt.

That was a contribution to the...

Whoops.

That was just a little Halloween skit that we do.

It's called...

"Scary Grownups."

The End. Bow.

You know what?

I've got an idea.

- How about we hit the streets? - Good idea.

You know, they always say that strangers have the best candy.

Come on. Watch the pumpkin there, Mr. President.

[cheering]

Oh, look at me. I'm drinking beer out of a bag.

- I'm so bad. - Karen, come on, let's go.

We've already missed the scary gay goblins.

Listen to her, Lady Complainer.

Oh, that's cute. Is that a drag name?

Oh, I want a drag name. Give me a drag name!

Okay, sugar, here's how you do it.

Take the name of your first pet,

and the first street you lived on.

Shu-shu Fontana.

[cheering]

Oh, it's cute.

Honey. H-- honey!

Come here. What would your name be?

Um... Glen a 125th.

Well, alright, girls. Gather round.

It's make-up tip time. Okay.

First off, a blanket note about base.

Don't forget the neck, because they won't.

Those Adam's apples don't just cover themselves,

now, do they, girls?

Shu-shu rules!

- Go Shu-shu! - Go Shu-shu!

- Go Shu-shu! - Go Shu-shu!

- Oh, my God. - Hutch!

Starsky?

♪ Hallelujah

♪ Hallelujah hallelujah ♪

Well, I would have to say, that is quite a haul. Huh?

Hey, well, Mr. Nixon, don't think I didn't see you steal

that extra Abba-Zaba from the doorman at the Dakota.

- So much for not being a crook. - Uh-huh.

So, uh, you guys want to take your mask off now?

No, still not ready. Okay.

Okay, time to swap.

Let's see what we got. On three.

One, two, three.

Ooo-hoo.

Hey. Hey, hey, hey.

Didn't those Pixy Stix land in my bag?

Oh, whoa, whoa, easy there, grabby.

These sticks are for my friend Buzz here

'cause I got my eye on that Jawbreaker of hers.

- What do you say, Buzz, huh? - No, don't do it.

I got a nice candy necklace

that'll look real nice with your yellow skin.

Come on, Buzz.

Don't make me pull rank on you.

I am, after all...

a giant man.

And you are just a wee bee.

Now, I want that Jawbreaker.

Whoa.

He pulls out the Silly String.

This is between me and your sister, mister.

And besides, I think you're bluffing.

I don't know. He bombed Cambodia.

I think he'd Silly String you as soon as look at you.

You're right, Grace.

This leaves me no other choice.

What you gonna do, Dick? Huh?

You string me, I string her.

Ha! This is great.

You two will take each other out and the Jawbreaker's mine.

After all we've been through?

Okay.

Okay.

Two can play at that game, little sister!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Now, let's not get all... strung out.

Everybody back off. Nice and slow.

Nobody get... string happy.

Maybe we could just put the cans down,

and go our separate ways.

Right. Or...

Ha-ha! Yeah!

[screaming]

Stop! [groaning]

You got me.

I'm going.

I'm silly strung.

- Grace. - I'm here, darling.

- Grace! - I'm here!

I'll miss you! I can't live without you!

I can keep the apartment, right?

Oh! So, this is how you don't do Halloween.

Um... How-- how did Herb respond to the prospectus?

You know, he seemed like a viable candidate

as long as the, the FCC approves the--

Oh, come on, Will, you got Silly String all in your hair.

I closed the deal, we'll talk about it later.

How'd it go, kids?

Oh, my God.

They've got faces.

You know, I thought, for a second, that was

gonna turn out to be Gerald Ford.

I don't know what it is. Just a weird feeling.

Okay, kids. Let's go. Come on.

Wait, wait, wait. Just one piece.

Daddy made $25 million today.

Don't want it all to go to a dentist.

- See you later, guys. - Bye.

Thank you, Will. Thank you, Grace.

- Just a kid's holiday, huh? - Well...

Okay, back to our night.

The food is reheating.

The wine, still breathing.

- Movie all ready to go. - Woo-hoo.

- Jawbreaker's mine. - No, no, no, no, no!

Yes! Yes!