Original subtitles

And then Regis looked right into the camera, and said,

"Just give her the damn Emmy already."

No, no, no, "La Lucci," he didn't say "Her."

He said, "Give La Lucci the damn Emmy."

Right, right, right, La Lucci.

Do it. Do Regis.

"Give La Lucci the damn Emmy already."

Now, do Regis finding out he has a week to live.

Grace, no, bad taste.

And I need some time to work on that one.

So you're seeing apartments today?

Do Regis after he's had too much melon.

- Stalling. - Grace: Not stalling.

Grace, you haven't even been looking at apartments.

So not true. Look, there's one now.

There's one and there's one.

Danny gets back to town in a week.

You need to move out of his apartment,

and away from ex-boyfriend land.

- Oh, I hate ex-boyfriend land. - So, start fresh.

When Michael left me, I completely

changed the whole apartment.

Will, your apartment is exactly the same.

The point is, you need a new place.

Oh, yeah, well, it's easy for you to say,

Mr. Rent Control, Mr. View-of-the-Park,

Mr. Perfect Apartment.

Oh, my God.

Why don't I move in with you?

- Wow! - Huh?

Uh, can't, 'cause I promised Jack he could stay with me.

Well, just till his floors are done. Excuse me?

How brilliant is this?

I love you, you love me, and I love the fact

I won't have to pretend I'm looking for apartments.

Okay, let me think about this.

No!

I love you, but no, no, Grace,

we-- we need to have our own apartments.

- Why? - Because we're grown-ups.

Well, aren't we?

What just happened?

We were having fun, we were playing Regis,

and suddenly I'm supposed to grow up, get my own place,

and pay bills? I hate you.

No, you don't.

Look, I gotta get to work, and you have got to

start looking for a new apartment, hm?

Go. Go, you big grown-up.

"What do mean I only have a week to live?"

"What am I gonna tell Gelman?"

Ah-hh.

[theme music]

♪ Oh it all began with just one little dance ♪

♪ But soon it ended up a big romance ♪

♪ Blame it on the bossa nova

♪ The dance of love ♪

Hey! I made it myself.

It's a dry snack mix.

I call it garlic jazz.

I think you might like it, but if you don't,

♪ Blame it on the bossa nova ♪

Knock it off. Don't make me laugh. You're buggin' me.

Okay, how am I bugging you?

How about projectile garlic jazz all over my $4,000 sofa?

Each time you describe the sofa, you add another thousand.

[Guapo squawking]

And must you always let that bird out of its cage?

Hey, birds gotta fly, fish gotta swim.

Will's gotta lighten up.

Sorry, Jack, I didn't get much sleep.

You were on the phone till 4:00 a.m.

I could hear you gushing three rooms away.

For your information, I was having a heart-to-heart call

with someone who actually cares about me.

Jack, nobody actually cares about you at Dial-a-Dude.

I don't know what you're talking about.

It's $2.99 a minute.

And so not worth it.

Jack McFarland, you are a frustrating roommate.

You make expensive phone calls, but you don't pay the bills.

You eat a lot, but you never cook.

You put on a maid's uniform, but you never clean the house.

Okay, what is this? Huh?

What's with the vertical eyebrows?

- You and Grace get in a fight? - No, we did not get in a fight.

She wants to move in. And I said no.

And I might have been a little insensitive.

Do I have garlic jazz breath?

That's right, I forgot, it's always about you.

Why are you so angry?

Why don't-- why don't you tell me what this is really about?

Oh, my God.

You're in love with me, aren't you?

Do you smell toast?

Because I think you're having a stroke.

Look, all I'm saying is, you're a realtor.

Let's get a little real.

I mean, who can afford-- No, no, no, no, no.

Don't hang up, please. I'm sorry.

I'll have my assistant here fax over the application.

It's gonna cost me a muffin basket.

Oh, my God, I already have this.

Well, so now I have two.

I could live with my sister for a few months.

I could also shove bamboo under my fingernails.

Okay, now this is something, "I got it so I'll have it.

And maybe I'll wear it, and maybe I won't."

But, um, maybe I will.

[chuckles] Whoop!

Last month I had a fiance, and a two-bedroom apartment.

Next month, single and homeless.

Right on track.

Okay, now this is just fun.

It's beach, cocktails with the Pearlmanns,

kicky little blouse, cheeriness.

Dick's gotta stop drinking.

Karen, do you also hold up sandwiches

in front of starving children?

Oh, honey, I'm sorry. I'm being insensitive.

I should really-- What-- Do you want a blouse?

No, thank you. I want an apartment.

Can you please fax this application over to the realtor?

Oh, honey.

Machinery, no.

Honey, now, why do you have to be the one

to move out in the first place?

Oh, it's the break-up rule.

Whoever cancels the marriage is forced

to wander the streets of New York without a place

to plug in her hot rollers.

Well, honey, you know that Danny

would take you back in a heartbeat.

Karen, I'm not gonna marry someone

just because I want a nice apartment.

Um, yes, that...

That would be wrong.

It would be settling.

I wanna marry the one.

And well, you should, honey.

How else are you gonna get to the two and the three?

$2900 for a loft in Noho.

$2300 for a loft in Soho.

That's too much money to pay for any Ho.

Okay, here, charming one-bedroom, Chelsea adjacent,

well-maintained, $1500, sounds great.

Okay, let me decode. Charming: Tiny.

Chelsea adjacent: New Jersey.

Well-maintained: Super washes blood off sidewalk daily.

Grace, you're not helping. This is for you.

Okay, fine, fine. Let me see. Okay?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God, here it is. Perfect.

"Upper West Side, spacious

two-bedroom, two-bath, fireplace."

This is great.

"Hardwood floors, terrace, beautifully decorated

"by talented woman who hates looking for apartments,

gay best friend included." Ha-ha!

Grace, you can't move in with me.

Why not?

Because, you know it's a bad idea.

I don't know that, you know that.

I hate when people say, I know that. How would I know that?

Alright, let's go over the reasons why you shouldn't.

Okay?

Reason number one: You just got out of a relationship,

and you need to wipe the slate clean.

Okay. Reason number one why I should:

I would never let you walk out of the house

with mustard on your face, come here.

No, no, no, eew.

Reason number two: The dry cleaner

in your neighborhood calls me nice lady.

He calls me nice lady.

You need to build your own nest.

I mean, living with me, I just...

I'd just become a crutch for you.

So be my crutch.

Oh, you are so Markie Post

in every single Lifetime movie.

Eew.

Grace, this is right.

You'll see, it's gonna be great for you.

How? I'll be in a crappy apartment somewhere, alone,

sitting around reading a human interest story about,

I don't know, a kitty, with no hind legs,

who pulls herself around on a cart.

Then I'll be sad, because I'm alone and kind of wounded,

and I'll identify with the kitty.

- I am that kitty. - You are not that kitty!

Trust me, you're a-- you're a big ol' calico.

- Really? - Yeah.

- Yeah. I can do this. - You can do this.

- I should do this. - Mm-hm.

In fact, this-- this could be the best thing

I've ever done for myself.

Look at you. Gettin' on, gettin' past.

Gettin' a little sick, what's in this thing?

Will, I'm scared.

Of course, you're scared. You're supposed to be scared.

- I'm scared. - You are?

Yeah, I just ate a hot dog from a vendor with three teeth.

I'm terrified.

Will: Sign here.

Initial here.

Put the pen here. Shake my hand here.

As your attorney, it gives me great pleasure to inform you

that you are now the largest manufacturer of buffalo feed

in the entire Southwest.

Say it again!

You are now the largest manufacturer of buffalo feed

in the entire Southwest.

It just sounds sexy, doesn't it?

- I'm hot. - Yeah, let's go celebrate.

Oh, Harlin, can I take a rain check? I am so tired.

Uh, figuring out all those billable hours

really wiped you out, did it?

No, just this guy who's living with me.

Look, Will, uh...

I know it's none of my business, but

when my wife and I are having a problem,

I light some candles, get out some nice aromatic oils,

then rub it up--

It's just none of my business.

No, it's just a friend who's staying with me temporarily.

He keeps odd hours. He's-- He's got the energy of a ferret.

He's messy, and he's got this enormous bird.

And-- and by bird you mean?

Bird.

Just checkin'.

Woman: Will, it's Grace on line two.

- Hey. - Grace: I found it, it's great.

- Grace: Come over now. - Where is it?

Grace: It's in Brooklyn Heights.

Get off at the Borough Hall stop. I'll meet you there.

Wait this connection must be bad.

I could have sworn I heard you say Brooklyn.

So, what do you think?

- I think we're in Brooklyn. - You hate it.

No, no, I don't.

Who knew there were such nice apartments in Brooklyn?

I thought the only thing in Brooklyn were the Dodgers,

and about 300,000 guys named Guido.

Will, the Dodgers left Brooklyn in 1958.

Oh, sweetie, you know I don't follow the volleyball.

Look at that tree.

They really do grow in Brooklyn.

Grace, you have a new apartment!

I know! [laughing]

- We need to do something. - We need to play the game.

Yes! What game?

The guess-where-all-my- stuff's-gonna-go game.

- I just made it up. - Oh, excellent game.

- Ready? - Yeah.

I'm up against the wall with a southern exposure

that gets all the light during the day, what am I?

You're the ficus.

Yes.

Good. Moving on.

I'm above the fireplace.

What am I?

You're the ugly piece of string art you got in Santa Fe.

Grace, if you're not even gonna challenge me,

I can leave right now.

Okay, okay.

Captain's chair. Come on, Grace.

Okay, okay. I got one.

[spitting]

What am I?

I don't know what that is, but I am really

embarrassed for you right now.

- I'm the humidifier. - Oh, yeah.

One, yes! Coming back!

Okay!

- The lease? - No, haven't done anything yet.

No, it's a two-year lease.

- And you've signed it. - Grace: Okay.

I am old, and I once lived in Aunt Reba's house,

and I'm not Uncle Joe.

You know, sweetie, I've gotta go.

I left Harlin back at the office,

and I gotta get back, I'm sorry.

- Okay. Call me. - I will.

I'm really happy for you.

I'm a coffee table!

Announcer: Tonight comedian Sandra Bernhard,

12-year-old pig caller Joni Marchinko,

and Regis Philbin

with Andy Richter and The Max Weinberg Seven.

Now, here's your host

Conan O'Brien!

Jack, I'm sorry, but--

Morning, roomie.

Last night you missed it.

They had grizzly bear attacks on The Discovery Channel.

It was good, but, uh, I wanted better.

What did you break?

Will, can't a fella just make another fella a little meal?

You broke another wineglass, didn't you?

Welcome to Cynical Island, population you.

I just think it's a little sad, Will,

that you can't accept a simple act of kindness

without turning it into something ugly and bitter.

Okay, Guapo pooped on one of your suits.

There, let the bile flow.

Jack, it's alright.

Excuse me?

It's a suit, I can get it dry cleaned.

Well, that-- that's true.

Since I'm going, do you need anything cleaned?

On me.

Where's Guapo? What did you do with him?

Pretty bird?

Jack, Guapo's fine.

What? Can't a fella dry clean another fella's--

I want you out.

I-- I'm asking Grace to move in.

Oops, I did break another wineglass.

Jack, come-- you're leaving in a week anyway.

She belongs here, I-- I thought if she had her own place

it would be good for her, but it's not good for me.

She's too much a part of my everyday life.

I can't have her all the way over in Brooklyn.

So you think you and Grace moving in together

is the best thing to do for the both of you?

Yeah, I'm sure of it.

And I'm out? No, no, that's very interesting.

Now I know how your suit feels.

Oh, Jack.

Come on! It's not that big a deal.

You can stay at your mother's.

What is that? Some type of sick joke?

Alright, then maybe you can stay--

No, no. You know what?

I can take care of myself, thank you very much.

Don't worry about me.

I'm a survivor.

- So you'll be at your mother's? - Jack: Yup!

Grace? Grace, where are you?

You're making a huge mistake.

- Are you Karen? - Yes, honey.

Well, Peter, Paul, and Mary, you are fabulous.

Well, thank you.

- Who are you? - I'm Jack.

Jack? Oh, Will's Jack?

Well, hello, honey. We've talked on the phone a million times.

I can't believe we've never met.

Look at you, you little hottie. Stand up.

Oh, no, come on.

Look at you, you are a rocket ship.

Oh, get out of here, you strange person.

This is--

What is this?

PS, loving the boobs.

Perky, with all kinds of attitude.

Store bought?

Huh-uh.

Right on. God, I had no idea you would be so

kitten-with-a-whip!

Come on, let's touch stomachs.

Oh, my Lord. You are a complete freak.

So, honey, what are you doing here?

Why are you here? Hm? What's going on?

What's happening? What's that?

Well, I borrowed this tassel from Grace like two months ago,

and I never returned it.

You borrowed one tassel, for what?

Let's just say a lamp.

Okay, come on, honey. Stick around, talk to me.

I have nothing to do today.

Grace is taking the day off to move.

Not where you think.

- Shoes? - Chanel.

- Fabulous. - I know.

Honey, what are you telling me?

Will is asking her to move in with him.

[gasping]

Honey, no, no, she can't move into his place.

That's not acceptable.

Tell me about it, you feisty little Shih Tzu.

Oh, honey, how is she ever going to get married

if she's playing house with a gay guy?

No offense.

Just guessing.

- Hey. - Hi!

How did you get up without buzzing?

For three bucks you can get into any building on this block.

Actually, this one only cost two.

- See? I'm a bargain. - Eh.

So, what do you think?

It's great. I met one of your neighbors on the way in.

I'm sure he's a lot less threatening with his pants on.

Okay, got it, Will. Brooklyn bad, Manhattan good.

Look. Is this perfect here or what?

It's perfect. It's also mine.

Oh, my gosh, it is?

- It is. - Keep it, you keep it.

Really? Thanks. Oh, I'm glad you're here.

Tell me where this-- this mirror should go.

- How about here? - Over.

- Over. - Hello? Arms.

Further, go on. Eh, eh, eh...

- Will, I'm going out the door. - Trust me.

Take it into the hallway.

Now, get in the elevator, and go downstairs,

and get in the cab that's gonna take you back to my apartment,

'cause I want you to move in with me.

Look at you.

Look at what you're doing.

This is the face of a man who's driving me crazy.

Why? I thought you'd be happy. I thought-- I'm talking to my--

Can we put this down, please?

We're born roommates. What's the problem?

What's the problem? The problem is it's too late.

I can't believe this. What happened?

What happened to the whole you being a crutch thing?

Some people might call it a crutch, but... What's a crutch?

It's support. Support from someone who loves you.

Someone who has a terrace, which you don't,

out here in-- in Murderville.

I can't believe you're doing this.

Why are you doing this?

- You're too far away. - Listen to me.

I packed boxes, I overpaid movers.

My mother's been here, and hates it. I'm staying.

Grace, you just left the man you were gonna marry.

I just got out of a seven-year relationship.

Why should we go through that alone?

At the end of the day, I'd like to be with my best friend.

So would I,

but I'm here.

I can't talk you out of this? You know, I'm a lawyer.

I'm very good at this sort of thing.

I know, you talked me into it.

I... I should sue myself.

Will, I've got to do this. I have to have done this.

Be happy for me. It's good that I have my own place

even if it is in Brooklyn.

You know what I'm talkin' about, you big mook,

with your 90-mile-an-hour hair?

[instrumental music]

Okay, I've done this.

- Grace: Goodnight, Will. - Will: Goodnight, Gracie.