Original subtitles

You always remember your first.

I was five.

In the beginning, just the thought of it scared me to death.

But before long, the two of us were spending a lot of time together.

Even as I got older, it was always more than just a machine.

He's coming!

Every summer, my mother and I would wait for the super sucker salesman to walk up

our street.

He was Santa Claus, Jesus, and the young Elvis, all wrapped into one.

He was a magician.

His hands danced, and his words went straight to my mother's heart.

With no obligation to buy.

As the late, great Cy Suckerton said, before the peddler can peddle his wares,

first he must peddle the peddler.

I can't speak for my mother as to

which one she loved more.

But for me, it was no contest.

Not that I didn't love my mother.

It's just, well, she wasn't a super sucker.

My name is Fred Barlow. Would you like a free demonstration of the Super Sucker

Home Cleaning System?

Hi, my name is Fred Barlow. Would you like a free demonstration?

Hi, my name is Fred Barlow.

Hi, my name...

Good morning, Johnson City!

Hello,

my name is Fred, Fred Barlow, Fred Barlow Interprofit.

Thank you for allowing me into your home today.

Beautiful home, coming up that hill.

I promise not to take up too much of your time.

Oh, here is your free rub-a-dub-a shower, buddy.

Instantly turns your shower into a massage parlor. In fact, I used it

myself this morning and I feel great.

Do you remember seeing a television show by the name of Gilligan's Island?

Do you remember that? Well, this product is endorsed by Marianne.

Remember Marianne?

The Professor and Marianne. Remember that?

Okay, tell you what, why don't I, just with a few easy steps, I'm actually

going to show you how I can make your carpet look brand new. More importantly,

how you can keep it looking brand new for the life of your carpet.

Will it make me happy?

Happy? Oh, absolutely.

But, you know, if you were to happen to be so kind as to purchase a Super Sucker

home cleaning system from me today, you will be helping me win a very, very

important...

We do that at Super Soccer all the time. We have these fun little competitions, I

guess, between rival distributors to help motivate us to get out there and

give you not only the best product, but the best deal.

And if you like the sound of that, take a listen to this.

Pretty nice, huh?

In 1923, Cy Suckerton revolutionized the vacuum cleaner industry with the

invention of the Super Sucker. Some 75 years later, the revolution continues

with the Super Sucker 97M5-01.

Dual suction hoses, got a bagless filtration system, lifetime warranty.

I'm telling you what, this baby, suck any.

Tell me what part of... The buns are titanium.

He died?

Right in front of me.

I gotta question your sales technique, Freddie.

There's nothing wrong with my sales technique.

Does that make you an accessory?

To what?

I had a guy die on me once. Did she leave her checkbook lying around?

Leave her checkbook? What are you talking about? Yeah, I'm just saying. I

mean, he died, alright? Okay, fine.

I actually, he was under me. What were the last words? What?

The last words, like a dying wish. She must have had a dying wish.

I have no idea.

You were there.

They usually say something.

Um, I don't know. Something about being happy. You know, would it make her happy

or something?

Would what make her happy?

Dying. The super sucker.

She said, will it make me happy?

Next thing I knew, it was a little spittle, a little phlegm, and she was

gone.

Hello there, Shorty. It's Gilbert, Mr. Stable.

Winslow Schneebel, Super Sucker Home Cleaning System.

Number one for your home cleaning needs.

You ready to order?

Yes. I'd like half a dozen bowls of beans, uncooked, served at room

temperature, right out of the can.

Don't you want to hear the specials? No, no. We'll be having steak. We're

ordering for someone else. We're having a contest. Steak and beans. Yeah, it's

kind of a friendly little wager between ourselves and our rival distributor.

Rival. Fred Barlow, Fred Barlow Enterprises. We're with Super Sucker

Home Cleaning Systems.

And my mother is one of those.

Oh, really? Well, maybe she'd like to see our latest model. I'd be happy to

stop by and give her a free demonstration.

How's her health?

No, no, she's very happy. She's had it forever.

As soon as those beans are ready, I want you to take them over and serve them to

Mr. Schneebelt and his party. He'll be lucky if he can get them down.

Eh, we're kind of hoping he chokes on them.

Oh, but that's okay. If he does, I know the Heimler.

Play dumb.

My pleasure.

Nice look for you.

Not everyone can wear that hair.

Oh, you're just jealous.

Just to clarify, whoever sold the most super suckers in the past 30 days is

declared winner.

Said winner will then order the steaks of their choice with all charges and

gratuities, the sole responsibility of the loser.

Said loser will then be required to consume a plate of beans on the

premises.

Enjoy your meal.

Yeah, I like that.

If it's ugly, I'll take her.

And the winner is... What's it say?

Oh, my.

See you next time. Bye.

Why is it every time you two have a contest, I get a police report?

Sir, if I could... Did I say you could talk?

Just for the record, I never spoke.

Shut up!

You're a disgrace to the Suckerton name.

Thank God my grandfather's dead and gone, because if he were here, he'd die

all over again.

What I ought to do is can you both, but I can't do that, because now that...

Royal Buffer. Royal Buffer, Captain Cleanly, and... Commando Funnel.

Commando Funnel Tunnel have all gone belly up. Johnson City's a wide open

market for us, but I'll tell you what I can do.

I can go from two distributors down to one.

Sir, with all due respect, Mr. Barlow, here I think it's time for me to take

over the whole territory. After all, I have four times the staff, four times

the shadow on the website. Four times the staff, four times the man. Let's go.

I'm number one at home service.

What?

Winslow, you want to buy him out?

Gladly. You can't do that.

Let me talk to him about a price, but I'm telling you right now, whatever he

offers, take it. I don't. want the money i want to keep my own distributorship if

you don't take the money you'll end up with nothing if i'm not selling super

suckers i am nothing that is so pathetic

look i know i've gone

negative and i know how the company feels about negativity we don't believe

in it i'm very aware of that in fact we deny its very existence As do I, which

is why I believe to give me one more chance would be the positive thing to

do. Barlow.

Sir, you know I'll be motivated. If I don't do the job, I'll pack it in. But

if I do, the company makes more money, everybody wins.

I like you, Barlow.

You're an idiot, but I like you.

One more contest.

What?

Shut up.

In 30 days, I'll check into the Grand Johnson Hotel.

Whoever brings me the most signed contracts wins the exclusive

distribution rights to Johnson City.

The whole city?

Is that a problem?

Not for me, it isn't. Me neither.

But I want this contest conducted in a manner that reflects positively on this

company. No more steakhouse brawls. You understand me?

Yes, sir.

I want this contest to be up.

Up. Up.

Up. Up. Up.

Up. Up. Up. Up.

Hi, honey.

Hi, bunny.

Did you get fired?

No, no, and of course not. We're going to have another contest.

I hope this one isn't as messy as the last one. You had so many beans on you,

you smelled like an old wester. Oh, please.

Well, I'm afraid this is pretty serious, though, if I don't beat him this time. I

think I know just the thing to change your luck.

Little hanky-panky. Oh, you.

I'm not talking about that.

Pride.

Hello, Mr. Barlow.

What's your name again?

Howard. Howard, right.

Howard called and told me he wanted to stop by and thank you personally.

For what? You changed my life.

I changed your life? He quit his job.

Actually, I was fired.

Well, you see, beans aren't considered a main entree, and so after the dust

settled, I kind of got the blame.

Oh, I am so sorry.

Tell you what, let me call your boss, all right?

No, no, it's okay. You don't have to do that. No, I insist. I want to straighten

this out. What's the number to the steakhouse?

Tell him about your mother.

When I got home, I told my mom about the fight, and she said, what fight, you

little twerp? And I said, the fight between Fred Barlow and Winslow

Schneebelt. And she said, the Fred Barlow? And I said, well, I don't know

if it's the Fred Barlow, but I'm pretty sure it was this Fred Barlow. And I

showed her the card you gave me, and she said, oh, my gosh, that's the man who

sold me my super sucker.

Yeah, well, you know, sold to a lot of mothers.

She ran up the stairs. Then she ran up the stairs, and I followed her up into

the attic, and we went through some boxes, and we found...

The instruction manual and the original sales contract. Look, you see, there's

your signature. Right there.

Yeah, yeah, there it is.

All right, we also found this.

Cy Suckerton's autobiography.

Diary of a Dirt Sucker.

It's a first edition.

But I'm sorry, kid. I just can't take anybody on right now. Read the

inscription. Funny. Just read it.

To little Howie Butterworth.

Whoever said you can't buy happiness never bought a super sucker.

Your friend, Fred Barlow.

You used to say that all the time.

Yeah. Yes, I did.

Back when I was up, up, up.

Back when Fred Barlow would...

The Fred Barlow.

The man who used to walk out that door with a super sucker under his arm and a

smile on his face.

Ready to conquer the world one door at a time.

I'll get the casserole.

Howard?

How would you like to spend the rest of your life making people happy?

Are you... Are you serious?

Everything you see, everything I have, everything

I am, is because of Super Sucker.

See that chair? Yeah.

Genuine Italian leather from Italy.

Home entertainment center.

With cable.

Plush, full body, high performance carpet.

Little something for the missus. In the color of her choice.

Water we drink, the air we breathe. The food we eat.

And this.

Oh, my gosh. What a beautiful bed.

Bed? No, not the bed. Forget the bed. I'm not... This.

This right here.

My prized possession.

Cy Suckerton's first vacuum, circa 1923.

Oh, my gosh.

Called the Super Suckerton.

Wow. Yeah, he was a farmer.

You can see the feed bag influence right there. What's this?

Oh, that. Now that, that is an original homemaker's little helper.

One of the first accessories designed specifically for hard-to-reach places.

You know, like your drapes, your upholstery, your corner crevices.

Smells like my mother's laundry hamper.

He only made 300 of them because the following year he took this design and

revolutionized home cleaning forever with the invention of the nap nipper.

The nap nipper? Nipper, yeah.

Edison's light bulb, Ford's Model T, Suckerton's nap nipper. What's it do?

Well, it nips your nap.

No, seriously. See those little agitator gizmos with the pointy bristles? Yeah.

That spins in a circle without grabbing while still operating at full suction.

Without it.

The curtain fabric would bind all up into a knot, and you'd have to ride the

throttle like a jockey.

Looks like a snapping turtle.

Yeah, it's very popular in its day. Still works.

Bunny uses it all the time.

Dinner!

I'll train you myself.

Door talk, demos, how to close, the Fred Barlow crash course. I can hardly wait.

We'll start tonight.

Tonight? Oh, yeah, we haven't got any time to waste. First thing in the

morning, we've got to hit the ground running. Which reminds me, we've got to

get this guy a suit. Oh, no, no, that's okay. I've got plenty of nice clothes.

Oh, yeah, perfect.

So, Howard, are you married?

Well, he's cute as a button. No, ma'am, not yet.

Someday, though, right, if you're lucky? I hope so.

Well, it's not easy.

The hours can be a little long.

Oh, here we go. Well, he should know what he's getting into.

If you want to get a lot out of something, you've got to put a lot into

it, right, Howard? I will work 180 hours a week, if that's what it takes.

If you do that, I can retire.

I don't want to be around the house.

First she wants to see me, now she wants to get rid of me.

You don't have to worry about that, Mrs. Barlow. I've got a lot to learn about

vacuum cleaners.

What?

Mrs. Barlow?

I'm sorry?

You couldn't have known?

Super Sucker has given us so much, Bunny feels to call it a, you know, the V

word.

Vacuum? Yeah.

Doesn't give it the respect it deserves.

She's cleaning now.

My mother's the same way.

I'm Leonard Blossom, and I'm positive.

I'm Shelby Clink, and I'm positive. I'm Rhonda Cooper, and I'm positive.

I'm Darlene Pickelheimer, and I'm positive.

I'm Fred Barlow, and I'm positive.

And I'm Howard Butterworth, and I'm positive. There you go.

Butterworth came to me last night and asked if he could buy the dream and

purchase the opportunity.

I had only one question for him. I said, how in the world are we going to beat

Winslow Schneebel?

You know what he said?

If you want to beat the devil, you've got to turn down the heat.

Turn down the what now?

Heat. What the hell does that mean?

What it means, people, is that if we're going to beat Schneebel, we're going to

have to sell more than Superstar.

We are going to have to sell something that has never been sold in the history

of home cleaning.

Maybe even in the history of Dornador. Say it!

Bump your commissions $100 a machine.

I happily give to you a free rub-a-dub-a-shower, buddy. You're going

to be so happy, I promise.

In fact, I just used mine this morning, and I feel great.

A clean home is a happy home, as you well know, and that's why I'm here.

You know as well as I do that a home ain't happy unless it's as clean as a

baby's butt right after a changing.

Thank you for allowing me into your home on this fine, fine day.

I am positive that you will be impressed with what you have to show me.

I have to show you.

I have to show you.

He's new.

Okay.

Oh, you see this?

Mary Ann from Gilligan's Island. She used this to clean her hut. Not her hut.

On the boat?

The carpet. Just do the... Okay.

You bet.

Okay.

Right on time.

The button's right under you.

I remember my first demo.

Oh, boy.

I shredded their cat.

Freddy, play me.

Sure. Thank you.

Trust me, we've all been there.

That cat was a gift. Right, Freddy? Mm-hmm.

We learn from our mistakes.

You got to get rid of this negativity.

You got to release.

You're not going to sell a darn thing like this.

I can't do that.

Sure you can.

Right upside the head.

Whack away.

Hit him.

Hard.

Mr. Barlow, I can't.

Here, kitty, kitty.

Here, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.

You're dead, kitty.

You're dead, kitty.

I hate you!

I hate you!

I wanted the cat to live!

I didn't want to kill the cat! I can clean a salesman.

I wanted him to live!

We thank thee, oh Lord, for the bountiful gifts of the Super Sucker Home

Cleaning System.

Help Fred Barlow Enterprises to communicate those gifts in an up, up, up

manner so as to bring forth happiness in the form of increased sales, volume,

and profit.

and if you mowed your yard and half the grass were left what would you do buy a

new mower and if you shaved your face and half your whiskers were still left

on your face what would you do buy a new razor and if your wife vacuumed her

floor 30 times and only half the dirt came up what would you do

Is that your bicycle?

Yeah, I had a bike like that.

Mine had a name.

I called it the Red Racer.

Guess what color it was?

Red.

And boy, could it fly.

How about yours? What do you name yours?

Go to hell.

Okay, let's try across the street.

Oh, you're doing fine. No, that's her.

She's just got some personal issues she's working out.

Right over here. Here's the winner. Stay positive, all right? Yes, positive,

positive, of course.

We're nowhere if we're not positive.

Up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up.

Hello, my name is Howard Butterworth, and this is my associate, Fred Barlow,

of Fred Barlow Enterprises.

And would you like a free demonstration of a Super Soccer home cleaning system?

No.

Perfect! We are offering today, and today only, as a free gift, this lovely

free Rub-a-Dub-a shower buddy.

And also, free, we would like to give your carpet a free shampoo, which is

also free of charge.

Is this new carpeting? Look.

My rug smells, and I like it.

Really? Well, because it doesn't look like it. Obviously, you're a very

dedicated homemaker who puts a lot of time and care into her home.

Maybe I'll just call the police.

Well, if they are interested in a home cleaning system, then by all means, call

the police.

Stephen!

Mr.

Barlow?

Why don't we do this another time?

So Schneebel's got his own Air Force now.

See this banner all over him? No, I didn't see the banner. I saw the van

with the megaphone. Oh, they can't be a flyer. Letting one up in here.

Billboard, middle of the road.

What do you expect?

What did I say?

Schneebel. Of course.

It's him.

Schneebel.

Pretty boy.

How's business? Picking up, I hope.

You son of a bitch.

You don't sound very positive.

You're breaking the rules.

Rules? What rules? I don't remember any rules.

Five to one says you lose it.

Ginger or Mary Ann.

I'm sorry?

When I was growing up, it was either Ginger or Mary Ann.

Myself, I was a Mary Ann man.

There was just something about her, you know, that just did it for me.

And then when she became our national spokeswoman,

I mean, to be selling super suckers with her face on the box...

That's a dream come true.

Mrs.

Howell.

I always kind of liked Mrs. Howell.

I mean, I know Ginger and Mary Ann were the obvious choices, but... Mrs. Howell

just...

Maybe it's because I still live with my mother.

Yeah, well... Whatever makes you happy.

Well, that's why we're all here, right?

Look, I know I haven't sold anything yet, and for the life of me, I can't

believe you haven't fired me.

I know I'm not the obvious choice, but Mr.

Barlow...

I'm your Mrs. Howell.

And you're our skipper.

And sure, yes, you've steered us into a storm and you crashed the boat, but I

just know you're going to get us off this desert isle.

They never got off the island.

The point is, for the first time in my life, I feel like

I'm really part of something.

Something good.

Mrs. Barlow was right.

It's not just a vacuum cleaner.

It's a super sucker.

Did I ever have sex with your mother Not to my knowledge

Too bad you made a hell of an illegitimate son

Looks like a snapping turtle.

Yeah, hook it up, flip the switch on the suction valve, reversing the air flow.

This would be excellent for blowing up my two-man raft.

I called down to the regional office thinking they'd have a whole warehouse

full of them, but... Never heard of it? Yeah, right.

Figures.

Clifford, I need a lot of them.

Hundreds, maybe thousands.

Must be very popular.

My wife calls it a gift from God.

What's she use it for?

Grapes.

Upholstery.

Goes hard to reach places.

You want us to what? You can't be serious. Are you out of your mind?

No, what Suckerton doesn't know won't hurt him. Oh, that's smart. Good

thinking. I can't even get through the doors of the maid. Now I've got to be a

maid with a sex toy.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. I am trying to win the contest of our lives here,

people.

Now, in case you haven't noticed, we are getting our butts kicked.

I don't know about you, but the last thing I want to do at the end of the

month is scan the classifieds looking for a job for somebody who can't sell

vacuums.

Now, come on. Let's stay positive.

Let me show you how it works.

Freddy, for the love of God.

Okay. Based on an original Cy Suckerson design, the oscillating brushes of the

new homemaker's little helper spin the nap nipper in a circular, rhythmic, and

non-grabbing motion. Now, I should warn you that if you set the throttle too

high while on full suction, it can cause injury. So you want to be careful with

that. However, these same switches, if you flip them, the airflow reverses

itself, allowing the homemaker to use the device for the opposite effect.

Kind of a blowing sensation, if you will. So, you flip the switch,

you're sucking.

Flip it back, you're blowing.

You're blowing, you're sucking.

You're sucking, you're blowing.

You're blowing, you're sucking. You're sucking, you're blowing.

You're blowing, you're sucking.

You get the idea. Much like with your drapes, your upholstery, your corner

crevices, this tool is excellent for getting to those hard-to-reach places.

Yes, Leonard.

Do we have to personally have sex with it?

Because I'm not sure I'm comfortable enough with my own body to do that.

No, no, you won't have to have, no.

Can we watch them have sex with it? I don't think that'll ever come up,

Shelby. You know, I'm going to need some more training. Is there a speed control?

Maybe one of us should test it. No, trust me, it's been thoroughly tested,

okay? In fact, we've got research to back it up, right, Clifford?

42% of American housewives have had or are presently having sexual relations

with one or more home appliances.

It's true. It was on the Internet.

Says who?

Asaha.

Asaha?

Yeah, it's this kind of watchdog group out of Washington, D.C.

What's it stand for?

Nothing. Americans Against the Sexual Abuse of Home Appliances. Okay, it's

just a bunch of crackpots wasting your tax dollars. We just got a law passed in

Alabama outlawing the purchase and or sale of home appliances for sexual

purposes. Okay, fine, thank you. We have legislation pending in six other states,

including ours.

So this is illegal?

It's a drapery attachment.

Plus it's our last hope

Is

that what you want us to say

what's the word Freddie I've got to say something, Fred. What's the pitch? Lay

it on us. Yeah, what's wrong with that? I'm doing it.

No,

no, no. Just say, um, uh,

just... Um, um... Have you ever been

so tired from cleaning all day that all you wanted was a little time to

yourself?

Where you could be with the real you?

unwinding in a way that didn't require someone else, that didn't force you to

get in your car and drive down to the local fitness center and pay what? Pay

50 bucks for a massage?

Or maybe call over to the neighbor's pool boy.

Or maybe wait for your husband to come home from work, and if you're lucky and

he's in the mood, you might, just might, get the damn relief you were looking

for.

Yes, Dad!

Yes!

Watch what happens when I take the homemaker's little helper.

Flip this one little switch.

If I may be so bold, ma'am, it's monkey time.

This feels so

good.

And then I simply extend a three-foot extension.

And turning on the 25 amp power box up to full throttle.

Who doesn't have a circular napper?

We do have a six-month payment plan that can make it more... It'll clean every

rug in the house, including yours.

Yeah.

I'm going to clean my rug.

My name's Freddy B. I'm knocking on your door. Get ready, John. We're going to

clean your floor.

The carpeting is filthy. The husband is gone.

Get out that back and get a dirty job done.

I'll pull any glasses.

Circular knot in the fur.

If you think that you do, let us hear you shout

of the homemaker's little helper?

My husband is always going out with his friends, right?

You know, drinking with the guys, whatever.

Right, and I used to get so mad.

Now whenever he says he's going to be home late, I just say, well, more time

for us.

Well, my kids come into the house and I tell them to leave their shoes on.

And they tell me, but Mom, they're dirty.

And I say, well, I sure hope so.

Whenever I drive by a construction site and I see all those big, hot... Sweaty

men operating heavy machinery.

I have to go straight home and clean the house.

Homewrecker's little what?

Homemaker's little helper.

It's based on the original 1923 Super Secretary drapery attachment.

It's been discontinued. No record of it whatsoever.

Barlow has taken the design and remanufactured it.

Apparently he's ditched the rub-a-dub-a-shower buddy and instead

offers the homewrecker's little helper.

Homemaker's little helper.

with the understanding that the customer purchased the super sucker at full

price. Full price?

He's selling to deadbeats.

They can't afford full price. Hell, they can't afford it at any price.

They're paying cash.

What? He only takes cash.

Nobody pays cash for a vacuum cleaner.

They're not buying the super sucker, sir.

Reports have their total staff count somewhere in the neighborhood of 150

sales per day.

Where are we at?

190 total for the month.

Obviously, he's guilty of a gross misrepresentation of the intent of the

device. I don't have to tell you there could be legal ramifications.

Ramifications.

If I may, sir, perhaps we should call Mr.

Suckerton and let him know what Barlow is up to.

Oh, no, no, no.

This here is between me and Freddy Boy.

Darlene! Don't panic. Everything's under control.

Where is everybody?

Out. Everybody's out, and so are you. Go!

Oh, these all came in today?

Today? They came in the last hour.

These are today. Oh, my God.

I've got to move the signed contracts into the rally room. Who calls this

thing they have to a vault?

Okay, Darlene.

Darlene. Darlene!

We're starting to get some complaints. Nothing major, mostly men.

Really? What are they saying?

Well, the usual.

Being replaced by an inanimate object.

How their wives won't come out of the bedroom.

Vacuuming dirt that isn't there. Uh-huh.

You know, just your general envy, insecurity, and male inferiority. What

are you doing?

Darlene, I want you to take a break. A break? Are you nuts? I can't take a

break. We're on a roll. We're hot. Besides, you said no breaks allowed.

I'm changing my mind, all right?

Here. What's this?

I want you to know how much I appreciate all the hard work.

And, you know, you've been doing a terrific job, and you look like you

could use a, you know... On company time?

You deserve it.

This is such a cool job.

music. Yeah.

How's that?

Perfect. Great.

Good.

If you hear a scream, it's

just...

I'm a screamer. That's all.

Freddy boy.

You had a real good month, huh, didn't you?

Hard to reach places, eh?

Short women, tall drapes, you know.

I've been thinking.

Okay, a hundred bucks a machine, right?

I'll give you a hundred every time I sell one of these with this, um,

uh... Homemaker's little helper.

No.

My staff, my vehicles, you and me could make a lot of money together.

at the end of the month.

Bunny? Not now. I'm sorry.

I don't mean to interrupt. I just want to tell you how proud I am of you.

How much I appreciate everything you've done.

If it weren't for you, none of this would have happened.

Having said that, I wonder if, you know, feel free to jump in here any time.

I wonder if maybe in our pursuit of happiness we haven't stumbled across

something more along the lines of the pursuit of pleasure.

Not that there's anything wrong with that. I'm just asking the question.

Personally, I don't see how you can be happy about something and not be pleased

about it.

I know I'm pleased.

I know you're pleased.

Believe me, I know there are women all over Johnson City that are very pleased

because I'll tell you, I have to admit, I'm feeling a little bit Christ-like.

So many people flocking to me, hanging on my every word, knowing that what I

have is the answer to their prayer.

Second thought, maybe it's more like illness.

The point is, thank God we live in a country where you have the right to use

a home cleaning device of your choice without restriction, without judgment,

without fear.

Because I tell you, I don't have to tell you there are nations all over this

world where for doing what you're doing right now, you'd be taken out into a

field and shot.

Not here. Not in the good old U.S. of A.

Not where the pursuit of happiness is the pursuit of pleasure.

And that...

That is a positive.

And put the last nail in Snavel's coffin!

We're not going to do that. We have to sell what?

Happiness! Say what?

Happiness! Say what? I'm not happy.

Well, Marianne, if you're not happy... My name is Dawn.

Dawn Well. Her legal name is Dawn Well. Marianne is a character in a television

show. A fictional character.

I, on the other hand, am a real person with a real reputation.

A reputation you gentlemen don't seem to value.

As national spokeswoman for Super Sucker Home Cleaning Systems, my client feels

that the situation in Johnson City, Michigan, is not only damaging her

reputation, but is in direct violation with the morals clause of her contract.

What situation in Johnson City?

I don't believe this. You don't know what's going on up there?

Only that we're selling Super Suckers like there's no tomorrow. The weekly

sales reports are up, up, up.

Especially by Fred Barlow.

This is what happens when you work between the coats.

Mr. Suckerton, are you telling me that you have no knowledge whatsoever of a

device referred to as the Homemaker's Little Helper?

Oh, that.

That. Oh, that. Now, that's a funny story. Funny, funny story. When my

grandfather invented the first Super Sucker, he included an attachment called

the Homemaker's Little Helper that was used for drapes, curtains, you know,

those hard-to-reach places.

So, one night he comes home.

And here's the sound of the super sucker running in the bedroom. So the old coot

goes upstairs and sees my grandmother, God rest her soul, screaming in what he

thought was pain.

Come to find out, pain had nothing to do with it, if you know what I mean.

Naturally, he ended any and all production immediately, had the

manufacturing ripped right out of the factory. Took it off the books. Made it

disappear. Never to be seen again, thank God.

Well, it's back.

It's what?

Barlow selling it in Johnson City.

I got a phone call last night from an organization called the Americans

Against the Sexual Abuse of Home Appliances.

Oh, God.

Why would they be calling me?

I have no idea.

Well, that's what I said. Until they proceeded to tell me about your little

drapery attachment and what you're using it for and that you were selling it with

my face on the box.

We feel this is something Ginger would have used.

You got that right.

Now, does this look like someone who would take a vacuum, go upstairs into

the bedroom and... John, please.

Mr. Suckerton, if you don't take care of this...

Not only will you lose your precious little company But you will single

-handedly destroy one of the most beloved male fantasy figures in the

history of American television Good day gentlemen

Don

You've cleaned your drapes.

You've cleaned your floor.

Now it's your time.

I'm looking for something to clean our convent.

Oh, this will clean your convent, sister.

I have

feelings, too, said the two-man

raft.

Would you like me to inflate you, said the homemaker's little helper.

too bad.

program to bring you a special report.

Channel 5 News has learned that police are in the middle of a citywide roundup

of vacuum cleaner salesmen who are involved in what appears to be an

illicit sex operation.

While they have not been formally charged, the authorities we could talk

to say the suspects enter the home posing as salesmen offering to

demonstrate their brand of vacuum and then once in the home they proceed to

perform indecent acts with the vacuum itself.

We have more on this very strange story from our own Tamara Thompson. Tamara.

Well, Dick, police tell me that Operation Clean Sweep was launched

earlier today after they received an anonymous tip.

Wee!

Oh,

you'll figure it out on your own. Just let nature take over. You'll be fine.

Don't study too hard, girls, okay?

Bye-bye!

Yeah, you be careful there, you speedy little tadpole.

Don't just sit there.

Tell me something.

Tell me something that, I don't know, makes me happy.

Oh, look what I found.

Why, it's a homemaker's little helper.

How does it work?

Howard.

How does it work?

These are the oscillating brushes, and they spin in a circular motion.

If you flip the switch, they reverse the airflow, which allows the customer

to use the device for either sucking or blowing.

Which do you prefer, Howard?

I don't know. Either is fine.

That is the nap nipper. What does the nap nipper do?

Nips your nap.

Does my nap need nipping?

Everybody's nap needs a nip now and then.

Do you work out? Sure.

Where's your rally room?

It's in the back.

What's a girl got to do around here to get a free demonstration?

You've been very busy.

What? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. We've had a good month.

You know what we need?

Counseling.

Music.

Music, right.

No!

Doggy bad. Kitty good.

Doggy bad.

Oh my gosh.

Find me a doctor.

Am I going to be somebody's bitch?

What?

Shelby said when word gets out about what we did, we're all going to be

somebody's bitch.

Nobody's going to be anybody's bitch.

Except for Leonard.

Except for Leonard.

Oh. Oh.

We're up. We're up. Thank you. Oh, funny face. You're a doll.

Is it true?

No. No, of course not. Oh, Bunny, this is all Schneebell's doing. He's trying

every trick in the book. Really.

You don't believe me.

I know I've hurt you.

I can't imagine what it's like for you to lay there listening to us. Bunny,

please. To know I'm with someone else. Or in my case, something else.

It's okay. It's super sucker.

No, Fred.

It's a vacuum cleaner.

I'm having sex with a vacuum cleaner and now women all over Johnson City. You are

the Amelia Earhart of home cleaning.

Just like her, what you have done will reach around the world, beyond Johnson

City, beyond anything you can imagine.

But didn't she crash?

We don't know.

The point is, women admired her for breaking new ground.

My difference is she flew an airplane and you, you know... Flew something

else. Yeah.

I'm so horny right now.

Come on.

Woozum! I'm crying!

That's right, Dick.

Super Sucker Home Cleaning System's corporate office in Fort Wayne, Indiana,

in a statement just released, is denying, quote, any knowledge of

anything.

Dick, I hear a vehicle approaching. I believe it's... Yes, let me see if I can

get a hold of one of these.

We've got nudity.

It's the cops.

Slow down! We don't want to draw attention to ourselves.

Hi there.

Welcome to the Grand Johnson.

I'm Nicole. Is this your first time in Johnson City? Yes, it is.

Excellent. Do you have a reservation?

Suckerton. Super Sucker Home Cleaning Systems?

That's right. I just bought one last week. It sure is.

I even talked our boss into buying one for every floor.

The maids just love them. Not that they get much work done, but talk about a

morale booster.

It can only be described as nude.

Completely nude.

Completely nude and naked.

Unclothed, unclad, and uncovered.

Au naturel in the bus.

Skin to the sky. Happy birthday, baby. Deliver the goods. Express this package

overnight.

Floor. Nine, please.

Hurry up.

Hang on! Better words!

What are they driving? A white Bronco? Go around!

I'm not going to go around the police!

What's he got between his legs?

What some people won't do to sell a vacuum cleaner.

Still following Fred Barlow and his completely naked man, clinging for his

life to the back of the van, owned and operated by Schneebel and Associates.

Dick, we have been stopped by what appears to be three armed nuns.

Oh, and there seems to be hundreds and hundreds of disciples of some sort.

and then get the hell out of the way.

Dump him.

Dump him?

He said to dump him.

Time to preach to the choir.

Fred.

It's all right, buddy.

I'm a vacuum cleaner salesman.

More ethical.

Real estate?

Perfect.

Put some clothes on.

This little piece of heaven allows the home cleaning professional and non

-professional alike to experience what my beautiful wife has known for years,

that caring for your home...

It's more than just a chore.

It's a pleasure.

A pleasure so pure, so human, so American.

Right here. I'm right here.

I'm not going to make it. Yes, you will. Just hang on. There's an ambulance on

the way.

No, I meant to the hotel.

Where's Butterworth?

Right here, sir.

I need you to take it in.

Forget about that, Mr. Barlow.

That's not important now.

If I've taught you anything, it's that there is nothing more important than

winning a contest.

We won for the nipper.

Come on, people.

We've got a contest.

Show out a good thing, baby.

Too good to lose.

I guess you never saw that, did you?

She played me for a fool.

Did you expect me to take it?

To never be strong.

You might have thought you'd never lose it, but baby.

What's so wrong? Just say goodbye to that good

thing that got away.

Don't be surprised when I find happiness.

Someday I'll pick up the pieces.

Once again I will fly somewhere.

After goodbye.

So do you remember that story a couple of weeks ago about those vacuum cleaner

salesmen over on the west side? Do I ever.

Well, they've been selling attachments that have been used for Carl. Can I say

this on the air?

I'd be careful if I were you. Well, apparently the Super Sucker Home

Cleaning Systems has sold its last vacuum. Oh.

Yeah, recent legislation was passed in Congress, and this was spearheaded by

the Americans against the sexual use... He said it. He said it. Did you hear? He

is so bad. What? What? I'm reading this out of the newspaper.

Yes, and you said that word on TV. Fine, you read it then. You want to finish the

article? I'm not going to read it.

You should read it. You know, if I could take just a second here. I mean, I hate

to get on my... Oh, please. Carl, we got... Okay.

I'm going to get on my soapbox. Ma'am, this is high-tech stuff. In fact, NASA

helped us develop this unit. But it's really quite simple. For only $5, you

will feel invigorated and refreshed.

In fact, what I like to do is just aim it right between my eyes right here. I

tend to get a lot of headaches right here.

Ma'am, have you showered this morning?

Well, guess what? You're going to want to sun up again. Anyway, look at the

settings we've got here. We've got trickle. We've got spray.

Combo. Massage. Trickle again. I use trickle this morning. That's right.

Let's see.

Trickle. Spray.

And three more that I can't quite see right now. I didn't bring my bifocal.

Do you get wet? Do your children get wet? More importantly, you'd be helping

yourself out. And why?

Me? I'm in the shower? That's a frightening place. It is a large,

frightening place. Lots of water. Strange curtains.

Possibly strange people. You don't know. If you use it properly and on a regular

basis, I guarantee that you will not only be cleaner than you've ever been in

your life, but with Rub-a-Dub-a Shower Buddy, you will be happier than you can

ever imagine. Do you mind if I come in and just have a seat? I've got a load to

take off here.

Thank you. Thank you.

I'm good. I'm all right. Thank you very much.

I'm trading my dreams away for someday

to let the light shine.