Original subtitles

It's time for RiffTrax!

RiffTrax!

[Mike] What? Hal Roach??

[Kevin] At last! The Little Rascals versus Laurel and Hardy in space!

♪♪♪

[Bill] Whoo! I hope I brought enough quarters to get the high score on this movie.

♪♪♪ [Mike] Well, everything I know about space I learned from old Star Treks.

So, I'm guessing this planet is populated by aliens who look just like humans.

And they're being forced to recite Shakespeare monologues,

by a robot that knows about Shakespeare for some reason. (Kevin laughs)

[Bill] Sounds about right.

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Hey! Christopher Lee's here!

[Bill] He must have heard Mike mention "space"

and "Shakespeare" in the same sentence.

That's like raw catnip for Chistopher Lee.

[Mike] Neil DeGrasse Tyson just tweeted

that these names are scientifically implausible.

♪♪♪ [Kevin] Okay Starship Invasions.

Stop looking at all the planets, and just pick one to starship invade.

[Bill] Honestly they are taking longer than my kids trying to choose

something on the Cheesecake Factory menu.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Mike] Warren Keillor. Host of Neptunian Home Companion.

[Bill] Heard he can't keep his hands off the moon.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Oh! And if it isn't my cousins Earl and Norman!

[Kevin] Never cared for them much. Ha ha! I'm kidding! They're wonderful!

[Bill] Jiminy.

♪♪♪ [Mike] Written and directed by the same guy. This always goes well for us.

[Kevin] Ha. Oh boy

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Uh, and then earth drowned and became the sun.

There. That ought to be enough to found a world religion.

[Bill] Great. We had our chance to prevent Boston from happening and we blew it!

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Mike] It's Richard Farnsworth from The Straight Story!

[Kevin] Yep. After that ended he just kept riding

his tractors through other movies like the energizer bunny. But with more gravitas.

[Bill] More than the energizer bunny? That doesn't seem likely.

♪♪♪

[Bill] Oh here comes Farmer Johnson and his fancy new flying

disc tractor. Hey Johnson! we see and we're all very impressed.

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Well. Time for my daily cry.

[Bill] Gotta say I admire this chill approach to starship invading.

[Mike] Yeah. No need to make a big fuss. Or blow up The White House.

Just kind of show up and find a place to park.

[Kevin] Lucrative corn subsidies. Ha ha.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Bill] Oh! It's the boys! They're back in town! Spread the word around!

[Mike] There was booze in my tractor!

(buzzing sound)

♪♪♪

[Bill] Well, great.

Looks like some dang alien got me mixed up with the dang president again!

[Mike] He ain't the president. He's just my dumb husband!

[Bill] Yes Velma, I'm gonna tell them!

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Sorry. Guess we could have parked a little closer. Ha ha.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Bill] Hi. We're chess pawns and we're very lost.

♪♪♪ [Mike] Don't laugh at their hats! Don't laugh at their hats!

♪♪♪

[Kevin] And. He's convinced.

[Bill] Easiest time share sales presentation ever.

♪♪♪ [Mike] Oh. He doesn't have TSA pre-check. This could take a while.

[Kevin] And, you don't want to know where this one goes.

(buzzing noise)

[Bill] Mind scan shows nothing except an endless

loop of the time he saw a raccoon steal a pie.

[Mike] Look at that crazy raccoon! He loves it!

[Kevin] We're a Far Side cartoon, aren't we?

♪♪♪ [Bill] The aliens realize pretty quickly

weren't gonna much about human civilization from this guy.

[Mike] Yep. They're in the next room interviewing the tractor.

♪♪♪

Hello Rudy.

[Kevin] I have a message to you Rudy.

[Bill] Yeah. But behind those arms are a couple of Marvin the Martian faces.

♪♪♪ [Mike] Gosh Mrs. Robingarblacks! I reckon you're trying to seduce me!

♪♪♪ [Kevin] At this point, the farmer knows he's in

step two of a corny old joke but he just doesn't care.

[Bill] Hey hey! Ho ho!

♪♪♪

[Bill] Aliens invented the duck faced Instagram selfie. Used it to conquer earth.

♪♪♪

[Mike] Oh. Guess that farmersonly.com profile worked after all.

Rudy, what you're trying to me is that they took

you into this flying saucer, and they shined

a light on you, and put you in a room with a naked woman?

[Kevin] And that's your defense against these harassment allegations?

Well we did what we're supposed to do, when in a room alone with a naked lady.

[Mike] We watched Hee Haw!

Are you telling me that you had sexual intercourse with this woman?

I sure did.

[Mike] And also with those chickens you just heard.

Must have been some kind of a dream Rudy.

No no.

That wasn't a dream. I swear.

[Kevin] This is how it goes anytime I tell someone I've had sex.

(laughing) You're going crazy! Ha ha ha!

[Bill] Oh Kevin.

[Kevin] Yeah.

UFO's really exist, why don't the beings that control them, reveal themselves to us?

[Bill] Sorry could you repeat that?

I got distracted thinking about this horny farmer I know.

Wise enough to know that extensive contact with us could be harmful.

I mean civilizations are individuals.

Need a belief in their own in their own importance.

Or else they shrivel up and die.

[Mike] Also Robert Vaughn's career plan!

What do you mean by that?

Well what I mean is, that uh, nothing is more damaging to one's self esteem than.

[Kevin] Sitting at a small table with budget Frazier Crane.

Do you think we should continue with the study of UFOs?

I think that the most important scientific problem that we faced in the first

third of the 20th century, was relativity.

And the second third, nuclear physics.

[Bill] Okay I'll take your word for it.

Whether we like it or not, the most important

scientific problem we're going to face, in the last

third of the century, is the explanation of UFOs.

[Mike] If this glossy magazine I got from a rack right next

to Golf Digest can't explain UFOS, then dammit what can?

(phone rings)

[Kevin] Maybe it's Art Bell! Hello?

Are you the professor I've seen on TV?

Yes.

[Bill] Yes. I'm the only professor that's ever been on TV.

Now what's this about?

What exactly is on your mind?

Suppose I told you I was taken into a UFO.

Would you think I'm crazy?

[Mike] Or be confused about my nationality?

No. You're the fifth person today that called to say they saw a UFO.

Could you give me a few more details about what happened?

[Kevin] And tell me slow. Maybe put on some music.

You have seen a UFO. You're not alone.

I've interviewed airline pilots.

Scientists, policemen.

[Bill] All the big boy jobs.

Military pilots have all seen UFOs.

Some have even photographed them.

[Mike] Anyway, looks like your septic tank's backing up huh?

[Kevin] Well. We're gonna need even more collar!

You know?

The way the sheriff treated me, I began to think I imagined the whole thing.

But it was just real.

[Bill] I really did lose my virginity before that senior year.

Active by imagining things.

That's radioactive?

Don't worry. It won't hurt you.

[Mike] Because your brains and insides have already been

turned into mush by decades of talk radio and Hungry Man dinners.

I've seen six others.

Just like this?

Very similar.

All slightly radioactive, and ground was completely dehydrated.

[Kevin] And the victim was always some hideous yokel. I mean!

I'm glad you told me all those things

(indistinct) Not get crazy.

Don't worry, you're not crazy.

[Bill] You're not crazy at all. This is love it's real! And I feel it too!

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Mike] Never has a UFO tried so hard to be seen.

[Bill] Yoo hoo!

[Kevin] I'm Christopher Lee. And yes, this is what I'm wearing.

Until now, only Segnek and I have known the true purpose of our mission.

[Bill] To get fat lonely farmers all horned up.

Is in a very dangerous phase.

And may explode at any moment.

This, monitors the condition of our planet's sun.

[Mike] These product launches have gotten so weird since Steve Jobs died.

Our sun will have become a super nova.

And exploded.

[Kevin] Nuts! I hate it when my planet explodes.

A massive migration has therefore been planned. and will go into effect

when we find and capture the proper planet, on which to relocate.

[Bill] They stand very still while they listen to audio books.

Hiding behind this planet's moon.

While we complete our work here.

This planet called earth by its present inhabitants, seems well suited to our purpose.

[Mike] Our research suggests the girls of this earth are easy.

Another subject for study.

We need to examine a member of the opposite sex.

We need a human female.

[Kevin] For our company softball team. It's league requirement now.

Mom? Are there rattlesnakes out there?

Mm hmm.

Then can I buy a gun?

No Billy. Just stay in the car. You'll be alright.

Okay?

[Bill] Then you can buy all the guns you want when we get there, I promise.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ (Kevin humming)

Intercept the vehicle containing the female.

[Mike] He found the one vehicle in all the world containing a female. Lucky break.

[Bill] Rare.

Intercept. What about the man and the child?

We will use all three.

[Kevin] It will be a hearty stew.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Bill] Look honey! The Vince Guaraldi Trio is performing above us. ♪♪♪

What's that?

♪♪♪ Looks like a flying saucer.

Oh boy! A real flying saucer!

Oh my god! We're the only car on this whole road!

[Mike] Those reactions went from mild, to medium to spicy.

Set us down.

What are you doing? Why are you stopping the car?

What do you mean?

[Kevin] Really? Doesn't show at all.

We're not gonna run. We're just gonna stay right here.

Be safer in here. Now lock the doors.

Lock the door Billy! ♪♪♪

♪♪♪ (indistinct)

[Bill] Aliens hate flash photography. Even more than museum guards.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Mike] I don't think they see us.

(buzzing noise)

[Kevin] Okay! Topped off your wiper fluid. Have a good one!

♪♪♪

You are feeling very tired.

The only sound you are aware of is the sound of my voice.

[Bill] 420?

You hear nothing but the sound of my voice. You will come with us.

Now.

[Mike] You will bring your eight tracks of Bread.

[Kevin] Whoa!

You will feel no pain.

You feel nothing.

Nothing at all.

[Bill] So it'll be just like with your husband. Am I right?? Ha ha! Oh comedy.

(Kevin laughs)

Have you removed the necessary fluids from the female?

[Mike] I don't want them or anything. I'm just curious. (Bill laughs)

She's struggling to speak.

Let her speak.

♪♪♪ I'm the one who (indistinct).

I know what you're going to do.

[Kevin] You're going to make me wear one of your stupid snake logo turtlenecks.

Why? Why are you going to kill us?

Enough!

[Bill] And why didn't the farmer have to strip down to bra and panties?

Going to kill us.

(buzzing noise)

[Mike] Ugh. These movie auditions are as creepy as they say.

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Dear. I'm leaving you for the syringe.

♪♪♪

What are we doing stopped here?

I don't know. You were driving.

[Bill] Well you probably forgot to turn on the "don't abduct us" lights again.

I'm hungry.

Look at that!

[Mike] It happens every time you show affection for our son. So cut it out.

[Kevin] Signed headshot from Robert Vaughn? Who would want this?

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Bill] Well done Ansel Adams.

♪♪♪ This planet is so perfectly suited to our race.

It is not an accident.

The examination of the man's sperm cells.

[Bill] Yeah.

Proves that our religious doctrines about

the origins of our race are completely false.

[Mike] That it some seriously heretical sperm.

If we are to survive, we must exterminate our own parent race.

[Kevin] Wow. Hey, can we get that guy

to jack it into a cup and take down scientology too?

♪♪♪ [Bill] That bull has pulled the old rubber udder trick for the last time.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Mike] He just learned that Osh Kosh is discontinuing his favorite model of overalls.

[Kevin] Bagosh.

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Elmer Fudd was not prepared for the ennui

when he finally killed the wabbit.

(buzzing noise)

[Bill] Ease up on the drama, man. It's only been ten minutes since you texted her.

(buzzing noise)

[Mike] Well, at least we all had to imagine his semen before he died.

[Bill] Oh, god.

[Kevin] Ugh.

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Housekeeping! Here to surgically adhere your sheets to the bed corners. ♪♪♪

[Bill] They didn't leave a tip. ♪♪♪

♪♪♪ Prepare to alter the electromagnetic force field.

[Mike] And if you see Aqua Lad, shoot to kill.

♪♪♪

(splashing) (Kevin making bubble noises) Take us to your leader!

♪♪♪

The intergalactic league of races maintains a base at the bottom of this ocean.

[Bill] They were priced out of their Manhattan office.

♪♪♪ If the League discovers our true purpose here, they will try to stop us.

However, if we are to survive, we cannot allow the league,

or anyone else, to interfere with our purpose.

[Mike] Hmm. Quoting from the New England Patriots ethics handbook.

(Kevin laughs) ♪♪♪

♪♪♪ Prepare to alter pressure fields to normal atmosphere.

[Kevin] Okay I'll just.

Synchronize and resist this.

[Kevin] Yeah, I'm still.

Prepare to alter cabin pressure for normal atmosphere.

[Kevin] Yeah, but you said I had to?

Synchronize all base fields.

[Kevin] Look, can I do one task at a time please?

Force fields ready for entry Captain. Decrease speed.

Engage all force fields to begin entry.

[Bill] This is how baby pyramids are made.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ Disengage all force fields.

Activate stationary systems.

Systems activated captain.

[Mike] The off brand roomba is ready.

Remain in the ship until you hear from me.

All peace to you galactic brother.

I am derbal. A model 1240Z android.

[Kevin] I loved you as Count Dooku.

I am Ramses.

From the planet Alpha in Orion.

If you will kindly follow me.

Captain Ramses, I will take you to the base commander for clearance.

[Bill] Exterminate!!! Sorry. Just saw a mouse. Need to call the exterminator!!

Assigned for scientific study.

That must be very interesting work.

[Mike] I recently had a small talk module installed.

The pulsating lights you see are the result of shifting

our magnetic force field from positive to negative.

Without this protection, the tremendous

pressure of the ocean would crush us immediately.

[Kevin] (laughs) Sebastian left that part out of Under The Sea.

This is Captain Ramses...

Captain Ramses this is doc, our base commander.

All peace to you galactic brother.

[Bill] Mmm. Sudden urge to play ping pong.

Captain Ramses what brings you to the earth?

We are on a deep space expedition.

You are free to explore but you must not contact any earth people.

As you know, the earth and its inhabitants are protected by the galactic treaty.

[Mike] And if there's one thing earthlings are known for, it's honoring treaties.

Peace be with you.

If there is anything you need, one of the androids will assist you.

I thank you Commander.

Peace be with you.

♪♪♪ [Kevin] Megaman's skeptical.

♪♪♪ Would you like to visit our relaxation room Captain Ramses?

Thank you.

If you want anything else just ask an android.

[Bill] And it will help you 4 months after the Iphone version.

♪♪♪ Hello.

Hi. Hi.

[Mike] All concubines. I was kind of hoping for a foosball table.

My name is Gassett.

[Kevin] I make getting the bends sexy.

♪♪♪ [Bill] Well on my planet it's considered quite big.

[Kevin] Uh huh.

Captain Ramses wanted to see the communications room.

All peace to you.

All peace.

These screens monitor the earthling video broadcasts.

Their news, their entertainment.

[Mike] Their battles between network stars

This man claims to have been, taken inside a flying saucer.

Forced to make love to a woman.

Primitive, aren't they?

[Kevin] At least they can last more than 30 seconds.

And he was radioactive.

And the ground where he said the saucer landed...

I've seen enough. I thank you for everything.

[Bill] Wait. JJ was about to say "dynamite!!"

Thousands of witnesses whose testimony would be accepted in any court of law without question.

[Mike] Oh sorry I'm late. The malaise was brutal today.

Hi! Ready to leave soon?

Mm hmm.

Dr Frankenstein isn't.

I'm in the middle of an experiment.

What do you want me to do?

[Kevin] This powder needs to be in Jonestown by Thursday!

No.

You can always leave it and come back to it.

[Bill] Watson would always say that to Crick at happy hour.

Okay.

You will observe a reconnaisance ship. down there, on the far left.

[Mike] The fake one?

[Bill] No. The crappy one behind the fake one.

Now. you have your instructions.

I understand Captain.

♪♪♪ The last ship.

It shall be done.

[Kevin] So, she banged the ship.♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Bill] They should really consider a kitchen island. so much floor space.

[Kevin] Yeah.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Mike] Ugh! Damn thing's been out of barbecued Fritos for weeks! ♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Uh are you dubbing in a line? Or uh?

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Bill] Roxanne was just in here. Ignored the hell out of Sting's advice.

♪♪♪ Yes that ship leaves immediately.

Thank you.

[Mike] This room is for storing UFOs and for developing photographs.

Disengage stationary system.

[Kevin] Just image they're saying Alexa before they give every command.

Fields for flight.

[Bill] They are special effects in the sense in that

It's Arbor Day, Charlie Brown was a special.

[Mike] Just a reminder. This came out the same year as Star Wars.

[Kevin] Your stupid minds! Stupid! Stupid!

Prepare for atmospheric flight.

Ground surface density.

Alter pressure systems accordingly.

[Bill] Oh, and get the ass jammer ready to jam up people's asses!

[Kevin] Wow!

Programming for an observation of area of 1RX5.

Good.

That shouldn't be too difficult.

We'll be back at the base in no time.

[Mike] They both sound like any given guy on NPR.

[Kevin] Well, I hope everyone brought their white robes.

We should be at Valley Lodge in no time.

Look! Look!

Look! Outside! It's a UFO!

Where?

It's a real UFO. I saw it!

You sure?

You think I don't know what a flying saucer looks like?

[Mike] Well, that's more than you say for the director.

Well. It's gone now.

Alright Diane. We believe you.

Don't treat me like a child!

[Bill] Now can I get a damn juice box and a Gogurt?!!

[Mike] That alien encounter almost excited some viewers

Quick! Balance it out with a lengthy parking scene.

[Kevin] Ugh.

[Kevin] So, this is the Overlook Hotel huh? Pictures made it look bigger.

At last!

Diane.

Hi Helen.

How you doing?

Real good.

Here's something for your file.

[Bill] It's written by overalls guy.

I don't think that quite qualifies as scientific data.

[Mike] And that was Renee Magrites's favorite scene in the movie.

(whooshing noise)

[Kevin] And just as he was about to save the day, Ronald Reagan fired him.

[Bill] Jonathan Richman. The air traffic controller years.

[Kevin] Sir, the UFO's approaching the Stop and Shop and it's got its radio on.

How's he going to explain a flying saucer?

He'll tell him he's crazy.

Yes. That's what they always say.

[Mike] (blandly) I'm having a blast by the way. You?

[Kevin] Oh, time of my life.

Let's take a closer look.

[Bill] Now, real time scene of it making a giant crop circle wang.

Here it comes again sir. Look at that.

Sir?

I leave you alone with the scope for half an hour and look what happens?

[Mike] You haven't even beat level two. (Kevin laughs)

I can't believe it.

Something's wrong with this scope.

[Kevin] Why even have the scope if you immediately doubt it?

No sir. The scope is working perfectly.

Are you locked onto that?

[Bill] I sure am, guy who sounds like he just inhaled helium.

I can't let this thing come in like this with no identification.

Wait for the jets to check it our sir?

There's no time for that!

[Mike] They're still recovering from the butt fumble.

Okay prepare to fire

Prepare to fire!!

[Kevin] 90% of the dialog is someone telling

someone else to prepare to do something.

(siren sounds)

[Bill] Wait a second. This is just a game of snake.

Fire!

Fire!!

[Mike] Wiley Coyote is clinging to that thing.

[Kevin] Boy do I have immense satisfaction for my work.

(buzzer sounds) What's that?

Malfunction in the force shield.

[Bill] It says abort, retry, fail? Why would anyone ever pick fail?

(beeping noise)

Check the computer.

[Mike] But I haven't prepared to check the computer!

(beeping noise)

What is that?

[Kevin] Gah! Someone crank the thermostat way up. This is gonna cost us a fortune!

The electrode for the force shield is missing.

No force shield?

[Bill] Can I lick your scalp before we die sir?

[Mike] I thought you'd never AAHHH!

(explosions)

You got it sir.

[Kevin] Hmm. The CEO of Delta is on line two. Wonder what he wants? (Bill laughs)

Get on the phone to general Lennox and tell him what's happened.

[Bill] Aww, General Lennox? He always wants to talk about his ferret. Weirdo.

♪♪♪ Our reconnaissance ship is missing.

Investigate and return to base as soon as possible.

[Mike] Take the reconnaissance reconnaissance ship.♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Kevin] You know? I'm pretty sure this is the plot of every Rush concept album.

♪♪♪ Captain?

Do you know anything about our ship that's missing?

That's no concern of yours.

[Bill] Well, my phone charger was on there. So it kind of is.

If you wish to survive, you will not question me, and you will not interfere with us.

This is a warning. you will not receive another.

[Mike] I can't believe I had disappointing sex with you.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Kevin] Sorry. Soundtrack was stuck in traffic.

But it's here now and ready to get funky!

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Bill] Good to see the advanced civilizations still using rotary phone cords.

♪♪♪ Take your positions.

Proceed with the attack.

[Mike] Guys, this is still the best movie I've seen with starship in the title.

(Kevin laughs)

[Mike] Better satire.

Take your positions.

[Kevin] And god help anyone who opens their mouth or displays an emotion.

♪♪♪ All peace to you galactic...

♪♪♪

[Bill] Okay, it's gotta be pretty satisfying to shoot someone

who's wishing peace to the entire galaxy. Ironic hit for them.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Mike] You know, this was also the set for Ned Blanford's talk show. (Bill laughs)

Eliminate technicians.

Yes Captain.

[Kevin] First target, quote unquote funny flight attendants.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Bill] Ornette Coleman presents murder! ♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Mike] I like to think she escaped.

[Kevin] Whoo. Sequel.

♪♪♪ Hello.

Hi.

[Bill] Nobody out-sexy's me and gets away with it.

(buzzing noise)

♪♪♪

[Mike] Charred corpses of Kodos and Kang were uncovered days later.

General Lennox, sir?

♪♪♪ [Kevin] Oh my god! It's so hot! Why would I do that?!! ♪♪♪

What the hell was this? And where did it come from?

♪♪♪ [Bill] Whoo hoo! Crash party! Coming in hot! Look out!

♪♪♪

[Mike] Uh, can you guys give us directions to the offramp?

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Kevin] (sighs) Isn't anyone gonna remind us he didn't sign up for this (bleep)?

♪♪♪ [Bill] Easy drums.

No one survived that crash.

Return to base.

[Bill] Should we like run some scans or?

[Mike] No. Base. ♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Kevin] Oh damn. I was gonna style them.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Bill] I just feel like these Montessori schools have finally gone too far. ♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Mike] Garage door openers are lethal to their kind.

♪♪♪ (buzzing noise)

♪♪♪ [Kevin] Killed by...babe...I win.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Bill] Just admit we're lost.

[Mike] No, we are not lost!

♪♪♪ Zeta one. Zeta one.

Emergency.

Ramses is attacking the base.

They're killing everyone.

[Kevin] Also, we use radio to broadcast our telepathy? Do I have that right?

Approach base with caution.

Zeta one. Zeta one.

Emergency. Base is under attack.♪♪♪

You were ordered not to interfere.

[Bill] You were also ordered to put on some damn pants.

You are not leaving the house like that young lady!

See?

[Kevin] Guess not.

♪♪♪

[Mike] Well, she died doing what she loved. Barbarella cosplay.

[Kevin] Yeah.

♪♪♪

(Kevin humming)

[Kevin] Hey let's just pretend he's down there to steal her shoes, okay?

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Bill] Let's see those Klaatu barada nikto idiots do that. Hmm? ♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Mike] I'll just move this large baked potato out of your way sir.

♪♪♪

(Kevin humming)

[Kevin] And this, friends, is what inspired 1977's

disco smash, let's Throw a Robot in a Hole.

She sent an emergency message to their ship.

You will intercept them.

Yes Captain.

[Bill] Between takes, I bet Christopher Lee chucked brandy

bottles at extras, and screamed about how he once played Lord Summerisle.

♪♪♪ [Mike] They should need this kind of heat lamp to prosper and grow.

[Bill] And don't forget to clean their tank! ♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Kevin] Hotel room service trays mobilize, phase two.

♪♪♪

(Kevin humming)

♪♪♪ [Bill] Sadly, the exciting UFO fight was pre-prempted when

a golden retriever snapped one of the combatants out of mid-air.

It's France's ship. Heading towards us fast.

Climb to the third vector.

[Mike] Second vector would be better. But his ex lives there.

They're climbing. Stay with them.

They must not escape.

(Bill humming)

They aim to destroy us.

We will have to fight.

Prepare for battle.

[Kevin] But only prepare, okay?

[Bill] Glad we're back to preparing.

♪♪♪ [Bill] I got you!

[Mike] Nuh uh! I got you.

♪♪♪

(buzzing)

We've destroyed the renegade.

Yes but our computer has been damaged.

[Kevin] I apologize for my outburst. Too many things have been ruined.

We need new parts.

[Bill] Stop screaming. It won't be long before they locate us.

It will be difficult.

Then we must make contact with earth people.

They're usually too scared to be of any help.

[Bill] She means stupid. They're usually too stupid to be of any help.

Yes.

[Mike] Would you look at that?

I got my steps in during the massacre. Amazing!

(whooshing sounds)

Patrol?

Position extermination unit in orbit around the earth,

and continue search for League of Races ship.

[Kevin] It's the one that looks like a watch battery.

Connect the extermination device and begin transmission immediately.

[Bill] Do They Know it's Christmas? On every station 24/7 people. Let's get her done.

(buzzing)

(buzzing)

[Mike] Oh you better re-gap that spark plug there pal.

[Kevin] Oh golly.

(humming noise)

(shot fires)

(shots fire)

[Kevin] I just feel like these purge sequels have run out of ideals.

(humming)

(shot fires)

[Bill] There's no sense in fighting it. I just love a good dossier.

[Mike] It's your favorite. Smirnov with a teaspoon of OJ.

[Kevin] Ahh. I always know you're depressed when

you break out your novelty People magazine cover from Six Flags.

[Bill] David and Hazel. The UFO years!

You know this whole UFO thing is really starting to get to me.

[Mike] Yeah. This was me approximately 39 minutes ago.

Probably just coincidence.

That's not what I mean.

I mean your obsession with them.

[Kevin] First it was kinder eggs and now this. It's too much.

Obsessed with them?

Close to that.

It's even starting to affect Diane.

She thinks she's seeing flying saucers now.

[Bill] Hmm. Searching memory for Diane.

Searching, searching? Yeah I got nothing!

I guess when you married an astronomer,

you didn't think he'd turn out to be a UFO kook huh?

Just that UFOs are such bizarre things.

[Mike] Being unidentified and flying how they do.

Makes me think you're not very happy with me and Diane.

That's not true at all.

UFOs are a mystery.

They're fascinating.

Has nothing to do with my feeling for you and Diane.

That's not how you're acting

[Kevin] Okay. Tell you what.

First thing tomorrow I'll take Diane and we'll suck

on chili dogs outside the Tasty Freeze like old times. (Mike laughs)

I'm interested in UFOs too.

But we still have got to have some time to ourselves.

[Bill] Said with the same tone a wife would say "I'm interested in model trains too."

We have some time to ourselves.

Come here.

[Kevin] You're not going to be thinking about UFOS are you?

[Bill] Of course not alien. Let's make sweet love ET.

Hmm. Outer space.

(buzzing) Have you located the researcher?

Yes, we will be there shortly.

[Mike] That's alien for "Yes DEAR! I know what I'm doing.

Unless you think you can drive better than me!!"

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Let's turn this into our personal relaxation room huh?

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ Sounds like somebody breaking in!

[Bill] Or aliens or something!

Anyway it's definitely not a cover for my severe erectile dysfunction.

(Kevin laughs) ♪♪♪

[Mike] Oh. It's just my neighbor Leon Theremin again.

Would you stop messing with that noisy hunk of garbage?

[Kevin] Sorry!

♪♪♪

[Kevin] My bland turtleneck dad sweater comes in peace.

♪♪♪ [Bill] I'm Thumb Head. Hi.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Mike] We just made biscuits.

♪♪♪

Ah Hal!

[Kevin] Ah Hal is his real name. Alam for short.

♪♪♪ [Bill] It was an effort to call him "Ahhh haaa lum!" that killed her.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Mike] Ewww. I can't wait til we squeeze Robert Vaughn

into one of those sexy alien jumpers. Mmm!

♪♪♪ [Kevin] He? He? Help!!

♪♪♪

(indistinct)

[Mike] (laughs) She's still doing it. ♪♪♪

[Bill] They could have stayed on the ground. Saved us some time. Ha ha.

You are inside a space craft.

Everything you suspect about UFOs is true.

[Mike] They DO smell like gas station bathrooms.

[Kevin] Whoo.

Has been captured and our space craft has been damaged in combat.

A renegade group intends to exterminate your race and re-populate the earth.

[Kevin] The renegade group is lead by Lorenzo Lamas Jr.

And work with us in obtaining computer parts

and integrating them with our system.

So that we can try and save the earth.

Will you help?

[Bill] What's it pay?

If I do what you want, will you take me back to my home?

Yes.

Alright. I know a computer expert.

[Mike] And by "computer expert" I mean drunk guy who doesn't own a computer.

(knock on door)

[Kevin] Burp! Fart! I mean come in!

[Bill] Phew! Glad we got to see the whole trip to the door. Thrilling.

You're back. What is it? You forget something?

No.

Well then. Come on in

There's a great game on.

No, come on out here.

[Mike] Okay! Get your biggest probe!

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Yeah. He took a dump on your lawn. Pretty funny huh?

♪♪♪

[Bill] It's time for Robert Vaughn to go to facial expression B.

[Kevin] No!

♪♪♪

[Mike] Bring me to your six pack. I'm kidding.

Name's Zolton. How the hell are ya?

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Whoa! Those jumpers really show off their alien junk.

♪♪♪

[Bill] Burning through the engine oil. They oughta get a new timing belt.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Mike] Oh man. A guy could drink a lot of beer in here.

Hello Malcom.

Do not be alarmed. No harm will come to you.

[Kevin] Aside from your obviously advanced heart disease.

An unidentified flying object has appeared on our radar

screens over the past week, gentlemen.

[Bill] Sir, Jerry put his hat on our table.

[Mike] Tom did it first!

[Bill] Oh!

This could not possibly have come from planet earth.

Therefore, it is our belief, that it is from outer space.

[Kevin] We think it is some kind of plan 9.

This vehicle is orbiting the earth, at a height of about

a hundred miles, with a very irregular pattern.

[Bill] Height, altitude, whatever. Just words.

Across a populated area, there is a tremendous

increase in people committing suicide.

[Mike] Also true after someone at a party starts talking about Hamilton.

Committing suicide.

They are being murdered by somebody, some being, some device.

[Kevin] Something called a gun? From outer space.

Now I can impress on you gentlemen, the importance of secrecy.

Any announcement of this to the public, the panic

could mean the end of life as we know it.

[Bill] Or it could be a good panic. Try and see the bright side.

Special control.

Continue search in sector 284.

League of Races ship must not escape.

[Mike] Oh great. No time to hit the can.

Takes me an hour to wriggle out of this jumpsuit

♪♪♪

We have adjusted the data control circuit.

Prepare gravity two to touch down.

[Kevin] And stop playing those kettle drums. It's distracting while I'm trying to fly.

Come on! Knock it off!

[Mike] Why did we bring them?

♪♪♪

You're not gonna believe this.

But a flying saucer has just landed in front of me.

[Mike] So I told you, using a bad Christopher Walken impression.

Alright and don't bother me.

[Bill] (sighs) Alright. Get your damn coffee, Roger.

Then we have to get on with the mission!

♪♪♪ We've located the missing ship. They've landed in the middle of a large city.

Excellent.

You have your instructions. Need to set.

[Kevin] Oh crap! I broke it! I am so dead!

♪♪♪ [Mike] Okay. This way for JPEGs of naked Teri Hatcher.

I mean save the world from the aliens. Right, right.

♪♪♪ [Bill] Our computers are down to the size of a double wide trailer.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Kevin] Oh. This is my porn back up drive. I'll keep this.

♪♪♪ [Mike] You know? It's nice that they feel they don't have to make small talk.

[Bill] Yeah. Just instantly comfortable with one another.

Sweet.

♪♪♪ [Kevin] Mark David Chapman. Just hanging outside the Dakota. Cool.

♪♪♪

Hurry Mo.

(indistinct) Cannot be far behind.

♪♪♪ [Bill] Robert Vaughn. The Jascha Heifetz of blandness.

Well Alan. Think we finally made the front page.

[Mike] Hmm. Bland idiot missed by no one. Hey!! (Kevin laughs)

Here we are.

They're taking off. We've gotta move fast.

Must not fail.

I know.

We'll come from behind.

[Kevin] Their brilliant alien plan sneak up on them in space.

[Bill] Come from behind.

[Kevin] Yes.

Approaching rapidly.

Gentlemen. I suggest you prepare yourselves.

We're about to encounter one of the renegades.

♪♪♪ Time to strike back.

[Bill] Do not be distracted by the shots of pie plates. ♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Mike] This space battle would have been more exciting

had it been preceded by a long dull council meeting.

(explosions)

[Kevin] Gah! Tell my family I almost finished vacuuming every floor!!

(crashing)

It has not been determined if the two scientists,

supposedly kidnapped by a flying saucer, were aboard the

UFO that collided with the data control center.

Special correspondent Dave Rawls.

[Bill] Go ahead and yell "Ah ha ha Hallen!" if you need to. Go ahead.

Are you thinking of your family?

Yes.

You must try to let go of worrying about your family.

That will do you no good.

And it clutters your own mind.

[Mike] Aliens are mostly concerned with mind clutter. Got it.

The only hope for survival, is the successful completion of our mission.

Is there anything I can do to protect them?

Yes. Help us in any way you can.

[Kevin] Yeah. That's what I meant. Kind of looking for specifics Tobor.

[Bill] Help, by helping.

[Kevin] Yes. What star are you from?

We come from a star called Zeta Reticular.

[Bill] Oh god. How long is this story going on? Oh god.

Deep space expeditions.

♪♪♪ Surely as an astronomer, you must have realized where we came from.

[Mike] You know what? This is a nice walk.

I'm glad we parked in the gravel pit. (Bill laughs)

♪♪♪

What's your culture like?

[Kevin] Well, we're into leotards. We're vegetarians and we love your earth Hitler.

[Bill] Well that sounds like. Wait, WHAT?

Can be a dangerous thing.

When imparted to an unstable culture.

Such as yours.

Therefore I cannot answer your question directly.

I can tell you that we built the great pyramid

of Giza in Egypt ten thousand earth years ago.

[Bill] It was built by our immortal king Elvis Presley.

(laughs) Sorry. I'm just messing with you.

How we control gravity. and you will understand our culture.

And our morality. ♪♪♪

[Kevin] Alright. Let's go have lunch with the far out space nuts.

♪♪♪ Now that our computer is impaired,

we can attempt to rendezvous with our own fleet in deep space.

But first we have to recharge.

[Bill] But we can't go rendezvous with the fleet

in deep space. Pretty much the exact opposite of what you said.

The ship is powered through a burst of electrical magnetism.

Reversing electric and magnetic energy,

allows us to control and overcome gravity.

I recommend that you take one of these.

[Mike] It's a breath mint. That caesar salad you had is destroying the air in here.

Feeling tired and hungry during the long trip ahead.

They are not unlike your vitamin pills.

Although they are considerably more effective.

Malcolm why don't try one?

[Kevin] We made it taste like Old Style and cheap polish sausage so you will like it.

[Bill] Well thank you. HEY!!!

[Kevin] Come now. You have to know you suck.

[Bill] Yeah. I do.

[Mike] Hah ha! I can't believe you ate those.

Those are our planet's mouse droppings. You idiot.

Your friend has a good appetite.

As members of the league of races, our purpose

is to protect the galactic treaty.

[Bill] A league of racists???

[Mike] Yeah. Not a great league.

Progress and evolution.

Ramses is an agent of barbarism and chaos.

We will soon be in a life and death struggle.

[Kevin] Looks like he's a in a life and death struggle to stay awake.

Lose our own lives, we negate our very purpose for existence.

We must win.

[Mike] Hmm. Not exactly the St Crispin's Day speech but it'll have to do.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ Engage.

And reading all charts...

[Kevin] Hey Steve! How do I zoom in on this thing? Steve? Steve?? Forget it.

[Bill] Naboo! If you look closely you can see

someone holding someone else, by the lake.

Prepare for lunar gravity.

♪♪♪ [Mike] Look at all the damn golf balls.

The enemy ship has just passed the moon.

Follow and destroy it.

[Kevin] Still sitting here doing this.

[Bill] Vital. Oh. Someone microwaved aluminum again.

(whooshing sound)

(buzzing)

[Mike] Test audiences demanded it. More moon fly bys!

I'm afraid that this time the computer is beyond repair.

You know the masses of these planets by memory?

Yes I think I can remember them.

Then we must make a direct patch into your mind for navigation.

And your friend's mind for computation.

[Bill] The probes for it will go (all guys) Into our anuses.

[Kevin] Into your anuses yes.

[Mike] Yeah. Let go of all its petty concerns.

Your mind will be moving at a tremendous velocity as our navigator absorbs

the necessary information contained in your brain.

[Bill] They're going to find so much dirty stuff!

You will make the required computations.

Remember that until now, you've never used

more than one percent of your mental capabilities.

[Mike] We concluded this after monitoring your Jim Varney movies.

You will experience a tremendous surge of power.

As the vast dormant energy in your mind is released.

Do not be alarmed.

There is nothing to fear.

[Kevin] Feels like Ron Howard should chime in now

with "They have something to fear!"

♪♪♪ How can they pass these planets at that speed?

Increase velocity!

[Bill] Turn on your left turn signal but then go right. Ha ha.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Mike] Yep. Back when planets felt safe.

And didn't know they could get kicked out like Pluto.

[Bill] Bastard.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Kevin] Approaching Jupiter.

Look out for the boys who come to get more stupider.

♪♪♪

[Bill] Get that man a pork product. He's going into withdrawal!

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Mike] Hey. Leave Saturn out of this. (Kevin laughs)

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Kevin] Look! I can make it say "boobs"!!

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Bill] I wonder if I could pull off a fedora?

♪♪♪ (buzzing)

I think, whether we like it or not.

Most important scientific problem we're going to face.

[Mike] Is an uncloggable nacho cheese fountain.

The explanation for the UFOs.

Why don't the beings that control them, reveal themselves?

They have, in a limited way.

Perhaps they're wise enough to know that.

[Kevin] We would mock their unitards mercilessly.

Civilizations.

[Bill] Whoo. I can convert this room into a crafting studio.

[Mike] And she can do cra HAFting!

First, I gotta get rid of his stupid extra loud clock collection!

(buzzing)

[Kevin] Oh don't worry honey.

He had too much blood in him. So he had to let some out. With a gun.

♪♪♪ (radio overheard)

[Bill] Uh oh. We've got a The Happening on our hands!

[Mike] Yep. Here comes Wahlberg.

[Kevin] What?? Ma'am no!

Stay tuned to this station for further bulletins.

♪♪♪ [Mike] Oh don't cry sweetie. They were probably losers anyway.

[Kevin] Come on down to Goody's.

If you think these suicides are crazy, wait until you see our low prices!

[Kevin] At Goody's.

[Bill] Good lesson for kids.

If someone insists out of nowhere that everything's gonna be okay, you are definitely screwed.

Let's get some groceries.

[Mike] Let's just grab some of mommy's special relaxation juice.

[Kevin] Tell basil I never loved it.

(buzzing noise)

[Bill] I'll say it was self defense. Yeah. No jury would convict me. Yeah!! (squish!)

What do you think you're doing?

Somebody's gotta clean up that mess you know?

I'm sorry.

(screaming)

[Mike] Well, she was the tomato's widow. Just couldn't go on without him.

♪♪♪

(buzzing)

[Kevin] Yeah. Guess it could have been the device.

But who hasn't thought of ending it all at Trader Joe's on a busy Saturday?

♪♪♪

The renegade ship's in pursuit.

Full velocity!

[Bill] Full velocity guys! Those cup holders are there for a reason.

♪♪♪

[Mike] Yep. This is a scene that plays out at

every Meatloaf concert rehearsal. (Kevin laughs)

[Bill] Yep. Meat had another MI.

[Mike] I would do anything. Ugghh!

♪♪♪

Will he be all right? Yes.

[Kevin] This post it bears one of our most inspirational quotes.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Bill] Okay uh. I'll just get back to the in flight feature I guess.

It's Boss baby!

♪♪♪ Inform Captain Ramses there's a whole squadron of enemy ships out here.

[Mike] And say it kind of sassy like "I told you so!"

I will join you.

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Take off that "My kid anal probed your honor student" bumper sticker.

Reports to base immediately.

We shall destroy this league once and for all.

[Bill] The Magic the Gathering tournament league. They rejected him one too many times.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Mike] David Lynch thinks they're overdoing the red rooms.

You remain here.

[Kevin] You embarrass me.

I will instruct you from command ship.

We shall destroy these aliens with their own technology.

[Bill] Meanwhile a scruffy hobo dolphin sees that,

rubs its eyes and throws away a liquor bottle.

(humming noises)

(humming noises)

[Kevin] Hey guys! Now we're an underwater floating object!

[Mike] Oh shut up Jerry.

[Kevin] You see? It's the same acronym?

[Mike] I got it, Jerry.

(buzzing noise)

[Kevin] Weee! That my favoritest part!

[Bill] Quiet Jerry.

(buzzing noise)

[Bill] So I can relax with my view master for a few minutes? Taj Mahal? Eiffel Tower.

♪♪♪

All ships take battle formation.

[Mike] And I. you know what? I probably don't say this enough.

But I'm proud of you guys.

(whooshing sound) (Bill laughs)

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Okay everyone. Time to surprise him by spelling out Happy Birthday Boss!

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Bill] Director got the idea for this scene while working at a Jiffy Pop factory.

Captain Ramses is heading towards us with his entire fleet.

I doubt his mission is one of peace.

[Mike] Ha ha. He's the funny one!

♪♪♪ We must wait no longer.

Let us begin.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Kevin] See folks? This is why pollution is actually a good thing.

So no one will want our filthy little planet.

♪♪♪

All ships! Enemy approaching! All ships take battle positions.

[Bill] Hmm. Should watch Friday Night Lights. He's not very good at pep talks.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Mike] Yep. Kids in the 70s were just crazy about flying saucer effects from the 50s.

Second subordinate.

Drop to the fifth vector.

loose formation.

Do not become easy targets.

[Kevin] Oh, I'm glad you said something.

Because my plan was definitely to become an easy target. Thanks.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Bill] Like watching someone else play a pinball game.

But without all the fun and excitement.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Mike] No you fools! The VGA lasers aren't working.

Upgrade to super VGA! (buzzing noises)

(buzzing noises)

[Kevin] Oh no! Not Chip! He just earned enough to pay for dental school.

Superior probabilities by using our base computer.

♪♪♪

Second squadron is coming now.

[Bill] Everyone's sweating.

Thinking about the cyanide pills they keep in their little hats.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Mike] This is why laser weapon technology has never taken off.

The noises are just too annoying! ♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Kevin] Nickels shooting glow sticks at each other. Starship Invasions!

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Bill] Someone's shuffling their socks across the carpet.

(on TV) I think it's really awful. I think it's completely wrong.

It's immoral.

They're just digging big holes and dropping people into it.

Like dead dogs.

What about the disease that these dead bodies could spread through the city?

People going around killing themselves.

And if they keep doing that, there's not gonna

be anybody left to get the disease anyway.

I've seen people who are okay one minute.

And the next minute.

[Mike] Hmm. I'd switch this off if it wasn't curbing her son of sam obsession.

Ran straight at this speeding car.

Completely insane look on her face.

[Kevin] The scene brought to you by the many, many shades of mustard.

(sighs)

(bowl falls)

No!

[Bill] Oil mixed with vinegar? My salad is ruined!

Oh!

[Mike] Well, little early in the day for scrawling symbols in blood. But why not?

[Kevin] She could make a full body cast if she had a CVS receipt.

♪♪♪

[Bill] It was between that and the cast of Alice for this week's cover.

♪♪♪

[Mike] Plus, wedding bells for Kate Jackson??

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Huh. The Andersons built a guillotine!

Mommy? Oh mommy!

[Bill] Don't, bury me in that macaroni necklace you made. Looks so stupid.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Mike] Steady now.

Or you're liable to crash into one of the universe's twenty nine stars.

[Kevin] Hurt a lot.

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Hey! My favorite three blue dudes! how's it hanging?

♪♪♪ I don't think it would be wise to tell the researcher about his wife at this time.

We promised we would return him to his family.

And we will. If we survive.

[Bill] Vocal track sounds a little tinny.

Gonna try and boost on the low end.

♪♪♪ [Mike] Oil, can! I'm kidding. My titanium joints can't rust.

Receiving weak signal from base.

Wait. I think it's Durbal.

[Kevin] I think it's terrible too.

[Bill] I don't think that's it.

I think, I can replace, my my power pack.

[Bill] Oh I inserted right side up. Otherwise we're all scripppp! Whooosh!

[Mike] He's the robot Boston Dynamics never talks about. ♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Kevin] Ugh. Why didn't I pay those loan sharks back?

♪♪♪ [Bill] Suck my thumbs.

[Bill] Yeah. I'd avoid any obstacle that could trip up a slinky.

Durbal?

You must try and get to the communications room.

I will try.

[Mike] Hard to believe the fate of the world could be

so easily swayed by a geriatric stairlift.

♪♪♪ [Kevin] Durbal.

He's like a gerbil in that Richard Gere also wants to put it up his.

[Mike] Alright. That's been debunked.

The enemy with communications room.

Durbal? Durbal where are you?

[Bill] Tragic. He was only two teraflops away from retirement.

♪♪♪

[Mike] Awful what a life of rocking him and socking him could do to a robot's brain.

(Bill laughs)

Answer me Durbal!

[Kevin] Would it help if I shut down Firefox?

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Bill] (robot voice) Why haven't you played my demo tape yet?

You told me it was fresh!

♪♪♪

(buzzing noise) ♪♪♪

Enemy eliminated.

Very good Durbal.

[Kevin] Uh huh. I'm so gonna be replaced by a human, I just know it.

Base control? Where are you? I'm not receiving you?

[Bill] Just quick. Loosen some lug nuts here.

[Mike] Durbal.

♪♪♪ [Bill] Bunching up.

[Mike] Ah ha! Stand on end, earth hair!

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ Well done Durbal.

Excellent.

This is your captain! What has happened?

Reply immediately. What has happened?

♪♪♪ [Kevin] Don't hang towels on me okay? (Bill laughs)

(explosion)

(explosions) ♪♪♪

[Bill] His mittens are connected by a piece of

yarn running through his space suit.

[Kevin] Cute.

Very good Durbal.

Keep programming the enemy ship

[Mike] Yeah. Thanks for the human splaining. I'll take it from here.

(explosions)

[Bill] The third act is ALL Durbal!

♪♪♪ [Kevin] Hey you! Who's in the silver ship? Is it us?

The tide of the battle has turned in our favor.

Ramses fleet has been destroyed by his own cleverness, thanks to Durbal.

Can do now is surrender.

Captain Ramses?

Do you read me? Your fleet is destroyed.

[Bill] And if you think that's a slam on your

own cleverness, well, you're not wrong pal.

Peacefully.

We have no interest in any more killing.

Captain Ramses? Please respond.

[Mike] Uh Ramses isn't here.

Look, it's impossible to do voices with telepathy okay? (Bill laughs)

Ramses! There's no way you can escape.

You must surrender now!

[Kevin] Your watch is dilated to four!

♪♪♪ I ask you again!

Please respond!

[Bill] Right. After the second unreturned voice mail, it's time to move on, man.

Ramses! Ramses?

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Mike] Yes. Please. Try to aim for the dark of the moon and kill those transformers.

[Kevin] Please! Please!

(explosion)

[Kevin] And property values along the Sea of Tranquility just plummeted.

[Bill] So. Got anymore of that space ritalin?

Our work is not yet completed.

Yes. Proceed to earth.

[Mike] Set wedgies to atomic. ♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Kevin] A young Phoebe Buffay contemplates a

life singing folk songs at a Manhattan coffee shop.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Bill] Hmm. Wonder if those leftover tator tots are still good?

♪♪♪

[Mike] Yes, commander Pippi Longstockings. I will join your army.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Kevin] (high voice) Ice cream man! Ice cream man! Ice cream man!

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Bill] Daddy! Daddy! Mommy broke a vase!

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Mike] Well, they're not kidding, when

they say Europe has a better health care system. (Kevin laughs)

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Okay now. You'll want to go easy on this lemur brain.

The last owner was pretty rough on it.

[Bill] Lemur.

♪♪♪

[Bill] Maybe give the formerly deceased some

time to resuscitate before making passes

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Mike] Oh honey! You'll never guess whose lifeless body I knelt over today!

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Ah ha HALLIN it's you!!

♪♪♪

[Bill] Ugh. Did you brush your teeth this past year sweetie? Like at all? Ugh. ♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [Mike] And uh? Little girl? What's your name?

[Bill] Diane, you idiot.

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Hey aliens! You want to revive the hundred million people who also died?

[Bill] Sorry. The life gun's at 15%. And I left the micro USB charger at home.

We'll catch you at the next suicidefest alright?

[Mike] I truly hope they don't.

But folks, we do hope you enjoyed our riff of Starship Invasions.

Starshap I call it. That's my. Guys? I'm good with that. I'm gonna leave that there.

(Bill and Kevin) StarSHAP.

[Bill] That's what it's gonna be from now on.

[Mike] Uh, Kevin Murphy any final thoughts?

[Kevin] Yep. Suicide is painless!

[Mike] How about you Bill?

[Bill] I'm building my own Durbal robot.

And don't ask what's it's for. Because it's none of your business.

Does not involve probing.

[Mike] That's fair.

And speaking of fair, if you did happened upon this riff of Starshap Invasions,

anywhere but our site, why don't you head over to RiffTrax

and square your cosmic energy, will ya?

See you next time at RiffTrax!

[Kevin] RiffTrahaaax!

[Bill] Listen to some Jefferson Starshap!

♪♪♪

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It's time for RiffTrax! RiffTrax!

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