Original subtitles

Ay! Get away from my desk!

Have you paid this? Hm?

You see, this is why I got you an in-tray.

Things you haven't dealt with yet go here,

Oh, is that what that's for?

Anyway, that's Sebastian's job.

Not if it's not in my in-tray.

What's this?

"You are invited to the scene of the crime."

Hey! Gimme that.

Who's Olivia?

"Dear Frank, Olivia is desperate..."--

underlined-- "...to see you."

Olivia Bluebell. We went to school together.

Olivia... Olivia Bluebell? Casting Director for the RSC?

I don't know. I mean, she likes drama and that.

Yeah, she was Juliet in the sixth-form play.

I fell asleep...

She left me for Bill White shortly after that.

The invite's from him.

He's organising some sort of murder-mystery-themed reunion...

You know, costumes and that sort of stuff...

Oh, Frank. Your first love!

And she's desperate to see you...

I bumped into her in the street a couple of weeks ago.

She did seem a bit...

What? Nervous?

No... Bit excited?

Billious. Yeah.

I mean, her and Bill have been together for years.

I'm surprised they invited me. He's always hated me.

Maybe he's mellowed in his old age.

Old! He's the same age as me!

Um, sorry. Not to make this all about me,

but I have been trying to get a meeting with Olivia Bluebell

for quite some time.

Well, we will drive you there.

'Cos it's in the middle of nowhere.

I could learn a monologue. Just in case.

I'm going to stop you right there.

I am not going.

Oh!

I look daft.

Not bad for a 1920s policeman on a day's notice.

Yeah, and it's a good thing if you make her laugh, right?

They must be stinking rich.

Oh, yeah.

Bill invented the world's first "unblockable toilet."

I've always wanted one of those,

but they're a bit pricey, aren't they.

- You two should eat more fibre. - Do crisps count?

Nice car.

That's Paul Belch.

He was Bill's sidekick at school.

Where's his costume?

Are you a bit nervous.

You know neither of you two are invited, right?

Yeah, well, we'll walk you to the door.

Why don't you walk me to the Mucky Mallard, instead?

- Is that Olivia? Wow! - Let's go.

I told you, no costumes.

Bill said he dares you to wear it.

You know how he hates running late!

Go on.

Oh, Frank!

I-I didn't know you were coming.

Me neither. I mean, me too.

- I'll just go, shall I? - No.

Um, hello! I'm Lu. I'm Frank's--

Olivia. I'm so sorry. How rude of me.

No, no. And this is Sebastian Brudenell.

Well, how nice to meet you both.

Come on in.

I'm sure we can find an extra couple of parts.

Really.? Oh, okay. Okay, then.

Bags and coats there.

You'll have to hand over your phones and car keys.

Bill is paranoid about people cheating.

- Really? - Don't worry.

It's not that kind of party.

Look at your truncheon!

Aw, you always could make me laugh.

You look, uh, beautiful.

You look lovely, really.

It's Bill's idea.

You know, I wanted to say something

when we bumped into each other.

Maybe later.

At your service, ma'am.

Let me take you through.

Oh, please.

"At your service." Pull yourselves together!

All this over some toilets!

It's only a game, Hannah.

I need some air!

Isn't that the politician? Hannah Volumnia?

Frank! Glad you could make it.

- And who are these? - Frank's wife and son came!

Isn't that nice?

- That's no my wife. - He's not my son.

In fact, I mean, am I old enough?

Would that work? I don't think so.

I'm Lu. I'm Frank's business partner.

And I'm also the designated driver tonight.

So, yeah, so Frank is very single.

I mean, single. Just well, normal single, yeah.

And you're also a PI, are you?

I'm a RADA trained actor.

And I also work for them.

- Occasionally. - Yeah.

Sebastian is a wonderful actor.

I think actually he's gonna be amazing at your game.

I think you're gonna be really impressed.

Well, an entire PI firm turn up at my murder mystery party!

I suppose I should be flattered.

But I don't have parts for you two.

I told them that we'd make it work.

I told them about your rule.

Come on. Let me get you some costumes.

He loves a costume.

So, uh, where's the rest of the sixth form then?

- Eugene's on his way. - Eugene Bottom?

From Bottom to top lawyer, would you believe it.

He's been helping me with my will.

We should have a quiet word.

I'll be honest.

I'm the one who was desperate to see you.

I used Olivia as bait.

Why?

Let's just say you'll be doing me a favour

if you'd just keep an eye on her tonight.

In your professional capacity.

I'm sorry, Bill. I don't really feel comfortable with that.

I can recommend somebody else.

Your scruples do you credit.

Ah, see.

Never kicked the habit I started on the music block roof!

That'll be Eugene.

Eugene! You remember Frank?

Of course. How are you?

What have you come as?

- A pimp. - Oh.

Eugene Bottom. Frank Hathaway.

I didn't realise this was a party for losers and hangers-on!

Oh.

You still afraid of heights, Bottom?

Come on, Paul. Play nice.

If you're the butler, Belch, I'll have a drink.

Yes, you can serve us all a drink in a moment.

First the keys, please, that you may have.

- Mobile phone. I thank you. - There you go.

Would you show them through to the drawing room, darling?

Of course. Isn't it good that we're all together?

It's been so long.

This is not a reunion.

It's a job. Bill wants me to watch Olivia.

- Really? Well, what did you say? - No.

I don't want to get involved in their marital disputes.

As soon as dinner's finished, we're out of here.

What about me?

Olivia Bluebell is one of the most powerful women

in British theatre!

Well, don't worry. You've still got plenty of time

to impress her.

She's not given me much to work with.

What are you? An ant?

No. He's a pilot!

An explorer. Sorry. Sorry.

I just need some time to work on my back story.

Oh!

Dinner is served.

I hope you're all ready for this.

Five minutes behind schedule. Come along, everyone.

Chop, chop, chop.

Frank, Paul, Eugene, you remember Hannah.

Long time, no see.

Too fancy for us, are you?

For you.

Eugene.

I hear about you in the news sometimes.

I don't get as much coverage as I should.

Oh, really? I feel like I see you everywhere!

Oh, sorry, I'm Lu. I'm Frank's...

I'm the maid.

Not his maid. He's single.

So. Gazpacho!

It's been a favourite of mine since our honeymoon.

And Olivia kindly agreed to make it for us tonight.

It's not really 1920s, of course.

But it is blood red.

Let's just hope you eat it tonight.

What?

He's been on a diet lately.

In preparation for the next lovely lady to come along.

Lucky girl.

It's cold!

Yeah. It's gazpacho.

It's cold!

Because it's gazpacho.

What, cold?

Cold soup. Posh people do it.

I had to wrestle them snakes.

It was the only way.

Flight commander Captain Bigglesworth,

reporting for duty.

Oui, monsieur,

I have seen some things.

Parfait!

A unique prize for the best detective.

It is 24 carat gold.

A re-purposed anniversary present actually.

I thought it was perfect,

given that our relationship's been going down the pan.

Even I can tell that's bad taste.

Yeah, just a bit.

Mind you, if it is really gold, it'll be worth a fortune.

Oh, look. "Frank Hathaway. Forget not that I am an ass."

Uh, Dogberry from Much Ado.

He's a sort of useless copper.

Ah. That's good.

For of the game! It's good.

Sh, sh, sh, sh! No cheating.

Leave that now and pour some wine please.

There's a good chap.

So now that we're all finally here, we can commence.

At 19:10 hours, in the drawing room,

my pocket watch was stolen.

Oh!

Stolen? I thought this was a murder mystery party?

Ah, there are more twists in store.

But for now, there is a thief...

- Oh. - Oh.

...in our midst.

Nervous, are we?

That's...

Oh, well, it couldn't have been me

because I was with you before dinner.

In your professional capacity as a lady of the night?

Yeah, well, yes.

Lucky boy, eh?

And you can corroborate that, can you?

Uh...

I'll, uh, it's, uh...

Ooh, it's-- Yep, yeah.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Eugene, your alibi?

I, Bottom the pimp,

was collecting a payment from Officer Hathaway.

I then went to try and organise my client,

Miss Bluebell's, next trick.

Mm, wasn't me. I don't think even paying you would help,

would it, darling?

Bill's most awkward dinner party so far.

- Yeah. - Ahhh.

Hannah?

Well, I didn't do it. I know because I read ahead.

But your moment will come.

All a bit tense, isn't it?

Have you got something to say, dear?

Me? No, no.

It's just lovely, lovely water.

- Your alibi. - Oh, my alibi! Um...

Well, I haven't got a...

So...

I'm just a lowly maid.

I was milking a cow about 10 past 7:00.

I don't know.

Paul?

Refilling glasses all night.

Ah, now.

I think an excellent opportunity to steal a pocket watch.

Shall we vote?

Oh, no. Monsieur!

You forget me at your peril.

Yes, well, I think it's running a bit late now,

and we all know that you've just come back from--

Indeed, I have just returned from my incredible exploits,

flying over all the continents of the world.

However, nothing could have prepared me for what I noticed

on my way to the dining room.

You have said there is a thief among us.

But what is this, if not evidence of a much darker crime?

What that is, is my handkerchief.

I had a nose bleed.

What? Another one?

Yes. Right. Let's vote.

Oh, I'm really sorry.

It's honestly nothing personal, Paul.

- Oh. - It's just that I think you had,

like, the opportunity.

I'm too obvious.

Didn't you say there'd be, you know, another twist?

Paul, come on.

Really?

It's not my fault you've got a stupid name, is it?

Right. Frank?

It's always the person you expect the least.

Oh, oh, oh!

So I stole my own pocket watch!

Very good.

Right.

Paul, you got the most votes.

So stand up, turn to page 4.

I confess I am the thief.

Yes, absolutely! Well done us!

Bill, have some water.

Get... justice... done.

Whatever the personal cost.

- Oh! - Ah! So good!

To think that I'm the one in theatre, and he's in plumbing.

Okay, you can stop milking it now!

See that's the thing with amateurs.

They never know when to stop.

Bill?

- Oh. - Mm.

I think there's another twist.

- You can't trust actors. - No, you can't.

He-- He's dead!

- Is he, though? - Oh.

Eh?

He is, yes.

Dear God, we need to call an ambulance.

I told Bill he was overdoing it.

The landline's not working. I think it's the storm.

This awful house.

I never wanted to move here,

but of course Bill loved it.

It's perfect for all his games.

"Get justice done."

He was playing with us to the end.

Are you sure you don't know the code to the safe?

No. He always kept that secret.

It was part of his thing.

He even made us put our phones in there,

because he thought it was only fair.

Shall we get you a little brandy?

- Does it have to be little? - No.

Right. Eugene.

Bill mentioned you were helping him with his will?

He reached out to me a few months ago.

Anything I should know about it?

Anything unusual?

Eugene?

He said he was worried he might die soon.

Okay.

Never mind an ambulance,

I've got to let the Board of Directors know

that Bill is dead.

He's not even cold, and you're thinking about that?

White Pumps and Plumbing

is one of the biggest companies in Stratford!

Bill would've wanted a smooth handover.

- What? To you? - Yes.

He should've given me the company years ago!

You can dry your crocodile tears.

Desperate for a divorce.

We need to talk.

I don't think Bill died of natural causes

- I think he was murdered - So what we gonna do?

We're in the middle of nowhere.

I hate to say it, but if there has been foul play,

it doesn't look great for Olivia.

- Why? - Well, Bill says he doesn't

trust her, then he dies,

and the last thing he says is he wants you to get justice done,

whatever the personal cost.

Just because Bill was worried about Olivia

doesn't mean he was right.

Yeah, and she does seem genuinely upset and shocked.

Which is more than I can say for some of them.

And if he was poisoned, it could have been anyone.

Paul!

It can't have been the wine because he poured it for

all of us, including himself.

- Might have been the soup. - Gazpacho?

Bless you.

I had a whole bowl of it, and I didn't even like it,

and now actually, I don't think I feel very well.

Look, calm down. The bowls were pre-served.

Any sensible killer would've put it straight into Bill's bowl

and then disposed of whatever they used.

- Yeah. - Any clues on the body?

No. But some things don't leave a trace.

Listen, we need to keep this to ourselves.

We don't want to spread panic.

What are you, um...

How dare you keep this from us!

Bill was murdered.

One of us is a killer.

Poisoned soup?

I need my pills.

Look, if we all stick together, we should be safe.

Frank...

shall I get rid of that?

Yeah, and any other weapons you can find.

I'm a respected politician.

I can't afford to be caught up in some scandal about a murder!

Bill died of a heart attack.

You've let this murder mystery stuff get to your head.

It's true. What evidence do you have?

We're just being cautious.

I, uh, I need to use the toilet.

- Hang on. - It's an emergency!

Hello?

Go and ask her. Go on, just go!

Alright, yeah?

So...

You and Bill were getting a divorce, yeah?

We'd been unhappy for years.

But that doesn't mean to say I killed him.

No! Obviously not. I mean...

So how was it, Bottom?

- What? - It?

Oh, it was fine.

If you really think it was murder, Franky boy,

you could ask your ex.

I mean, Bill didn't really want to give her a divorce.

Plus, who made the soup?

What about you?

There must be a reason Bill made you the thief in the game.

He's been embezzling money from the company for years.

Where's your proof?

In Bill's last will and testament,

ready to go to the board in the event of his death.

Bill made millions out of my designs, millions.

Kept me on a miserable salary.

The unblockable toilet-- all me!

Toilets are all you ever think about.

- That's right. - Ever since you lot

used to shove my face in one!

That's right.

Where's Hannah?

I'll go and find her.

Must have been tough, being in Bill's shadow all these years.

We all were.

The rest of us moved on, Paul.

Is that so?

Have you moved on from this?

Stop it! Stop it! What are you doing?

Give that back!

Is that from when Bill pushed you off

the music block roof?

Candlestick.

Lead piping.

Spanner.

Rope.

Oh, come on!

Come on.

Do you know, I don't think Bill was murdered at all.

I think your Franky boy there's got the wrong end

of his truncheon.

You know, he only became a PI because he was fired.

I wasn't fired. I retired. I was admired.

I've looked everywhere, even the billiard room!

There's a billiard room. But I can't find--

Look who I found trying to break into the safe.

Well, we're like fish in a barrel here!

Somebody has got to go for help.

Oh, Hannah.

You just want to save your own skin.

What are you saying, Eugene?

Because I'd be very careful if I were you.

The only person we know is a criminal, is Paul.

And you would say that Bill wasn't murdered

if you'd murdered him.

Do you want me to prove that?

- No. - Yes!

Oh, um...

Is that what I think it is?

Yep. That's the end of Bill's soup.

You see, this is why he should've put me in charge.

'Cos I get things done.

- Are you okay? - You, sir, you're an idiot!

And yeah, I'm fine.

I mean, that was disgusting, but I'm... I'm fine.

Oh!

Mr. Belch?

No, I think his pulse is irregular.

We need to get him to hospital!

- I'll check the landline. - Clear.

What are you...

Uh, no, I think it actually worked.

- What's happening? - You see? See?

There was definitely something in the soup.

- What are you doing? - It was worth a try.

It's still dead. The landline.

Not you.

Oh, good.

Right, this is an active crime scene.

We need to get out of here and stay out of here.

Come on.

It's alright, come on.

Okay.

He's either really stupid or really clever.

Well, I'd say stupid. Mind you, he did invent that toilet.

Will you stop fiddling with your truncheon?

- I'm desperate for a wee. - Then go!

No!

Someone in here is a poisoner.

But I'm starving! You ate the soup.

- God. - Where's Sebastian?

Everything's going to be alright.

Trust me.

Hannah's character pack.

She tore a page out.

Ooh. A confession?

And there was supposed to be another twist

later on-- well, a murder.

- Bill? - No! Eugene.

"I confess to pushing Eugene Bottom down the stairs."

What if it was Hannah and not Bill?

What?

When we were at college,

Eugene was pushed off the roof of the music block.

Bill, Paul, and Hannah used to hang out up there.

Eugene went up there one day. Maybe cos Bill dared him.

Either way, down he came.

Landed on the bike rack, was almost impaled.

He always thought that Bill pushed him,

but there was never any proof.

Bill never denied it, though.

Do you remember when we came in,

Bill and Hannah were having that row?

Maybe it was about that.

Maybe she was worried that Bill was going to let

everybody know what had happened.

If she did do it, that would give her a clear motive.

What about the other character packs?

Is there anything of interest?

Not that I can see.

I think we should go and talk to Hannah.

I just didn't want to play the murderer in the game.

That's all.

But what about the argument you were having with Bill earlier?

Something about toilets.

Public toilets are a waste of taxpayer's money.

People can use the pub. You know, spend a literal penny.

- It's good for business. - Bill's business?

White Pumps and Plumbing service Stratford's public toilets.

And if they follow my plan, well, they'll lose the contract.

So you two had toilet trouble.

Wasn't worth trying to ruin my career over.

Were you being blackmailed?

Bill's dares!

I would never even have thought to push Eugene

if it wasn't for him!

And then to hold it over me all these years later.

But I did not poison him!

I mean, murder is hardly good as a vote-winner, is it?

I did see something, though.

Alright. Don't crowd me.

Earlier...

when I was looking for my handbag, I heard something

in the kitchen.

I assumed everyone was in the drawing room.

So I looked in and saw Eugene

frantically searching for something.

He found whatever it was, put it in his pocket, and left.

I thought I heard a noise when I was in the kitchen.

He must have slipped in after I left.

You see, Eugene doesn't know

that it was me who pushed him off the roof.

And if he wants revenge...

Revenge?

- I'll give you revenge! - Oh!

Eugene, I'm so sorry.

Let's all go and sit quietly in the drawing room, shall we?

We just want to know what you were you doing in the kitchen.

It's a simple question.

She's the one who should be answering the questions.

Come clean, Bottom. You killed Bill.

Of course he did.

You don't believe that, do you?

- Oh! - Oh!

I forgot about the truncheon.

You won't believe me, but I felt someone attack me.

I grabbed the first thing I could.

So you're claiming self-defence?

I, um, sorry...

I just, uh-- oh!

I, um, tripped over that bit of carpet.

Yes, I think you hit me on your way down.

Yeah. I think you probably hit me, too.

- Sorry. - I just screamed

because everybody else screamed.

Well, it still doesn't explain what you were doing

in the kitchen, though.

It wasn't me.

I think I know what's been going on.

Team meeting now.

Sebastian, you keep an eye on this lot.

What about the team meeting?

No.

What if Eugene is covering for someone?

I really feel like there's something going on

with him and Olivia.

- Like what? - I don't know.

Just little words and glances.

Words and glances aren't admissible in a court of law.

We're not in a court of law.

And if Bill wouldn't grant her a divorce, then maybe...

I just think we need to speak to Olivia.

- Oh. - Sorry.

Olivia, can we have a little word, maybe in the library?

She's got nothing to say to you.

Okay. Maybe she could tell me that herself.

Oh. This is what I was doing in the kitchen.

- I was getting these. - For me.

I mislaid them. Eugene saw I was struggling,

and he found them for me, that's all.

- Mind if I take a look? - Of course.

Thanks.

Digamenadine.

Fatal in overdose.

And this is empty.

Looks like we've found our murder weapon.

Question is, which one of you did it?

- It was me! - I confess everything.

After what you've been through,

nobody could blame you. - ...years ago.

When you said you needed your pills,

I thought you wanted me to cover up for you.

I just couldn't find them.

You both thought the other one did it.

You were covering for each other.

But why?

Because they're in love, Frank.

- That's a bit of a leap. - She's right.

We are.

He could see how unhappy I was with Bill.

We didn't mean anything to happen, but...

Bill knew you were having an affair?

He suspected, yes. But he thought it was with you.

He saw us in town.

Put two and two together, made five.

So that's why there's all that stuff in the game about,

you know...

I didn't know he'd invited you.

Otherwise, I would have warned you.

We, uh...

must be missing something.

I can't think on an empty stomach or a full bladder.

Why don't you go and try out that famous flush?

Yeah.

Hopefully it makes him feel better.

Yeah.

Keeler!

What the hell are you doing?

Trying to frighten me to death?

Seem a bit jumpy, Hathaway.

You would be, too,

if you were stuck in a house with a dead body.

- Bill White? - How do you know?

Why you here anyway?

Anonymous tip-off.

Wouldn't normally follow it, but in this case...

Take me to the body, please.

This looks bad, Frank. Very bad.

Does it?

I mean, I know it does. But why do you think it does?

I received this at 21:00 hours.

I came straight away, as instructed.

And here, just as I was warned, is Bill White dead.

Murdered by his love rival.

- You what? - Frank Hathaway.

That's nonsense.

Who did it then?

Odds are the person that sent you this note.

And they're probably sitting in the drawing room right now.

Keeler! Thank goodness!

Don't get too excited.

He thinks I killed Bill.

- You? - What?

- Olivia Bluebell? - Yes.

DS Keeler.

You wanted Bill gone so you and Frank

could carry on your love affair, correct?

What? No! I bumped into Frank.

We hadn't seen each other for years.

So I gave him a hug.

That's all it was.

You sure about that?

Okay, I was thinking of asking him to dig up some dirt on Bill

so I could get a divorce, but I didn't in the end.

I haven't thought about Frank in that way for years.

I'm with Eugene.

I'm her lover.

That does make more sense.

But Frank didn't know that.

You strung him along, made him do all the dirty work for you.

He was really gutted when she left him.

Cried all over his school dinners.

Uh, Joe, I didn't do it.

Well, in that case, you won't mind if I search you then?

Whoa! Easy, tiger!

Digamenadine?

Wait, isn't that the same stuff that was in Bill's soup?

Now listen, don't you do anything stupid.

Frank Hathaway, I'm arresting you on suspicion of murder.

Back-up should be here any minute.

You know this is ridiculous.

You know, I always knew you were gonna mess up, Frank,

but I must admit, I never thought it'd be murder.

- Oh, my God. - Oh, my God, indeed.

You'd better get yourself a very good lawyer.

Call yourself a Shakespeare scholar?

- What? - It's always the person

you least expect!

- Delaying tactics. - Alright, thank you,

Mr. Hairy Lip. Give me a chance.

Right, from the pack.

"Welcome, destruction, blood, and massacre.

I see, as in a map, the end of all."

From the note that Keeler received.

"Bill White is in danger.

The end of all his hopes, of his life, is coming."

The end of all?

These were written by the same person.

- Shakespeare? - No.

Just a phrase "The end of all."

What if Bill wasn't murdered? What if he killed himself?

- He wouldn't do that. - Never.

But if he was going to die anyway.

Exactly! The smoker's cough.

The bloody handkerchief.

And you said he'd been losing weight recently.

Yes, that's true.

He designed the game so that we'd be at each other's throats.

You'd be exposed as a thief.

And you'd have to confess to Eugene,

putting your career at risk.

But he didn't live to see any of that.

Yeah, the story's falling apart Frank.

Bill died before he expected to.

In Romeo & Juliet, Romeo has time after he takes the poison

to do a whole speech.

But Bill can't have had even the whole dose

because there was still enough gazpacho for you to have some

and you only fainted.

But if he was already ill...

He misjudged the dose.

Doesn't explain why you had the pills in your pocket.

Maybe they were planted.

In the library, when he asked me to keep an eye on Olivia,

he could have slipped them easily into my pocket.

If we had been having an affair,

well, the plan would've been genius.

What plan?

First, destruction.

The game, secrets are revealed.

Second, blood. That disgusting tomato soup.

Third, massacre. Bill's death. Olivia's in the frame.

You turn up, now I'm in the frame.

If only he'd talked to me.

He always had to be in control, even after his death.

He wanted to break you all.

That's why he took our keys and phones off us,

locked them away, trapped us here.

Now, this is all just circumstantial.

Not when you see they've both been written

on the same typewriter.

Bill's typewriter, the one with the wonky "E".

You got the keys.

Thy drugs are quick!

Thus with a kiss, I die.

That actually was really good!

I mean, bravo. That was... That was brilliant!

I wish I could help you, but I'm going back to acting myself.

Bill made me stop.

But I hope to see you at an audition or something.

Don't give up. Good work.

I've had enough of you causing trouble, Frank.

Causing trouble?

All I did was give her a hug.

Well, now there's a man dead, and I've got to question

somebody about theft.

Hope he's not too hard on Paul.

I was wanting him to invent an unsplashable toilet seat.

Olivia's leaving casting.

I know, we heard. I'm sorry.

You know, I don't think Bill was as clever as he thought.

Yeah, yeah, he's not.

'Cos massacre, it means several people, not just one.

Yes.

And he misunderstood that Dogberry quote.

"Forget not that I am an ass"?

Dogberry's not really a useless copper.

He saves the day in the end.

Shall we?

Oh.