Original subtitles

Please be home.

Please, please, please, please.

[ Phone ringing]

Should I?

Please answer.

I don't know.

Oh. All right.

[ Sneezing]

Hello.

Aunt hilda. I'm so glad you're home.

I left my history book on the kitchen counter.

Do you see it?

Yes. It's right here, where you left it.

Can you send it to me?

Are you alone?

Yes.

Stand back.

[ Sneezing]

Oops.

What happened?

I sneezed.

So where's my book?

I don't know

but I'm sure it will turn up somewhere.

This is my biggest fan.

I just don't get why they're making us read 1984?

When orwell got so much wrong.

Hey guys. I'm selling tickets

for the sophomore class trip to funland.

Do you want to go?

Sure. Funland sounds like fun.

How much?

40 bucks.

Whoa. who has that money?

I do.

The deadline's the end of next week.

So let me know.

I can tell her right now, I'll never be able

to dig up that much cash.

Me neither. Plus I can't ask my aunts.

They're on a teach-her- the-value-of-a-dollar kick.

What made them do that?

I went on

a blow-my-allowance- on-dumb-stuff kick.

And while I was on hold

I realized I need

one of those shoe buffers.

What?

Maxed out?

But that's impossible.

I demand to speak with your super... hello. Hello?

Salem, what's going on?

I don't believe it.

I had my credit card yanked.

Youhave a credit card?

Yes, I was preapproved by the good people

of the bank of Newark

but now I'm a little overextended.

I'm sorry to hear that.

I appreciate your concern.

No cause' I was going to hit you up for a loan.

I was going to ask you for money.

How ironic.

[ Chuckling]

We're doomed.

I guess we're going

to have to get jobs.

[ Knocking]

Coming.

Me again.

Hello, dirk.

Sorry to disturb you

Ms. Zelda p. Spellman, but I just finished my rounds

when I discovered a straggler in the bottom of my bag...

For you.Thanks.

Thought it might be important.

I've been preapproved by the bank of Newark.

Say, uh, I saw you talking to a fed-ex guy the other day.

Is there something I should know about?

He was dropping off a package.

Yeah. I don't trust those guys.

It's not natural for mail to move that fast.

I agree.

And now it's very important that I close the door.

He has really got it bad for you.

I wish there was some gentle way to let him down.

I know what you need.

I just saw an ad for it in modern witch.

It's a new perfume that repels love.

Here it is.

"Somewhere between disdain and contempt lies...

Revulsion."

Revulsion? Hmm...

"Available at full moon beauty supply."

Let's go.

Can't. Full moon beauty supply's only open once a month.

When?

During the full moon.

I knew that.

Accountant?

No.

Crane operator?

No.

System's analyst?

Hey, I can do that.

Good system, bad system.

I think you need to know something about computers.

Hold everything.

Look at this.

"Greater Boston cat show...

Grand prize: $500."

A cat show?

I can't see you in a cat show.

Don't you think I'm pretty?

Of course.

Then get an application.

This is our chance for a quick score.

All right.

Okay, "name"?

Salem spellman.

May I remind you i'm your cat, not your pet.

I have my own last name.

You do?

It's saberhagen.

Salem saberhagen.

And what breed are you?

American shorthair and darn proud of it.

Write that down; The judges will eat that up.

That's all we need... Except for the five-dollar application fee.

Don't look at me.

I'm maxed out.

Will you sign me in?

I'm going to grab the last cage.

Sure.

It's saberhagen, right?

Right.

Here you go.

Are you comfortable?

I feel like a caged animal

in here.

Look at all these losers.

Hey, you better behave yourself.

I will.

You always say that but...

What am I doing?

If people see me talking to my cat, they'll think I'm nuts.

Look around.

Yes, you are. Yes, you are.

You want to bea winner, think like

a winner.

Okay. We can talk all we want.

Hello.

What a pretty cat.

Oh, no ribbons.

This is our first show.

Duke has won quite a few times.

See?

It's nice of your cat

to let you wear them.

Oh, yes.

He's a Burmese, you know?

What's yours?

An American shorthair.

[ Clearing throat]

And darn proud of it.

Well, the Burmese judging is up first.

So we'd better go finish grooming.

Unbelievable. Did you see that?

Her cat had whisker extensions.

How could you tell?

It's soobvious.

I got you a good number... 38.

Excellent.

Lucky 38.

Hey, isn't that

Bob Gordon, the channel eight news guy?

Yeah. I guess he's the judge.

Welcome to the greater Boston cat show.

I'm Bob Gordon.

Today I will be selecting for best of breed.

Those winners will stay overnight

and tomorrow be judged for best of show.

I hope you're all prepared for a thorough

and perhaps even grueling competition.

Psst. Sabrina.

Yeah?

Get the brush.

I'm shedding like crazy.

What is he

looking for?

To see if it's a boy or a girl?

This cat has excellent bone structure

a lovely coat and a somewhat bemused expression.

This is one of my top three American shorthairs.

Whoo-hoo!

Congratulations.

Now let's begin the parade of semifinalists.

Sabrina: Parade?

Watch out for Andrew.

He'll try to trip you.

Watch out for Mrs. Erickson.

She plays head games.

Watch out for Haley... She's paranoid.

Here we go.

[ "The alley cat" playing]

This is the cheesiest thing I've ever done.

Salem: Smile.

Hey!

Did I step on your shoe?

How am I supposed to choose?

Do you mind if I take off?

I'm bored out of my skull.

Go ahead. My aunts can pick me up.

This was fun.

Now we will begin

the one-on-one

interviews.

What can you tell me about Salem's temperament?

Well, he's very friendly, very focused

and just a little power mad.

Sounds like he's all cat.

Right. And he's got a real head for numbers.

May I demonstrate?

Ask him a simple multiplication question.

Okay.

Salem, uh, what's seven times five?

Amazing.

Although we do judge purely on appearance.

Isn't that life?

Will all of our semifinalists

please bring their cats forward.

I will now announce my best of breed decisions.

[ Maniacal laughing]

[ Meows]

And thisis my first-place American shorthair.

And darn proud of it.

Come on, hilda.

Full moon. Let's go.

Coming.

Relax.

You'll get your revulsion.

Oh, I hope it works.

I don't want dirk going after the u.P.S. Guy again.

Hello.

Welcome

to full moon beauty supply.

May I help you?

I need a bottle of revulsion.

Ah, someone's bothering you.

A little or a lot?

Well...

Get the bigone.

A pretty girl like you needs a lot of revulsion.

Oh, what's this?

Oh, this is a magic mirror

that shows you at your best.

"The makeover mirror... It's a nice reflection on you."

Try it.

I'm ravishing.

I have to have it.

Oh, here. Buy two, one for each of you.

No.

Hilda, you can't buy self-esteem.

Yes, I can, and it's on sale.

Try some wrinkle berries.

They smooth out your face and other places.

Here, I give you half a pound.

No. Thank you.

We can shop for ourselves.

Fine.

Oh, stress mints.

I wonder if they work.

Careful. It says no samples.

I can read.

Hilda, what have you done?

I didn't do anything.

Aha!

My no-sample spell works.

I couldn't help myself.

Change me back, please.

Okay, but first, you'll pay for the stress mints

and then you'll buy a sample antidote.

Then you'll buy a gift certificate.

Oh, sure. Stick it to the little guy.

Today best of breed.

Tomorrow best of show.

You should be very proud, Salem.

Here's your milk... And the economist.

And now I have to go call my aunts.

I guess we're closing down the place.

[ Phone ringing]

Excuse me. Got to go.

Mm-hmm.

[ Clearing throat]

Hello?

Who isthis?

Yes, I'm alone.

Hmm?

In the briefcase?

Oh, dear lord.

Where did you get this photo?

Name your price.

I'll pay you anything.

Uh-huh...

Uh-huh.

That's it?

No, no. No. No problem.

You just keep those negatives to yourself

and I promise your cat will be named best of show.

Good night again, Mr. Gor...

Out of my way.

What's with him?

The contest is fixed.

The judge is being blackmailed with an incriminating photo.

Your kidding, of what?

I don't know, but he took it into his office.

I'll go check.

I'll stay here.

There it is.

Incredible.

If people only knew.

I thought I'd closed that.

Meow?

Meow!

Oh, no.

Kitty...

How did you get in here?

Okay, there you go.

There you go.

Oh, you are a pretty little kitty.

Too bad you don't have a chance.

Salem?

Sabrina, where are you?

Next to you... in a cage.

Salem, this is awful.

If I can't point, I can't turn myself back.

What was that?

What?

There's something in here with me!

What?

Oh. It's just my tail.

Hello?

Sabrina, are you in here?

Yes. Next to Salem.

Sabrina?

Hi... or should I say "meow"?

Look how cute the little blonde kitty is.

I have claws, and I will use them.

Now, change me back.

Here you go.

Oh...

Help me, hilda.

That feels so much...

[ Screaming]

Change the rest of me!

Sorry.

Now what is going on?

I'll explain everything

but right now I really have to get home and brush my teeth.

[ Coughing]

Ugh! Another hair ball.

And to think... They call Bob Gordon

the most trusted name in new england news.

Who would have thought

the cat show would be a cauldron of corruption?

Don't give up.

All you have to do is figure out who the blackmailer is.

The problem is everyone has a motive...

Everyone wants to win.

But only the blackmailer took this picture.

A "reverse angle" spell will tell us who that is.

There!

And the blackmailer is...

A person wearing a loose robe obscured by shadow

with a big camera covering his...

Or her... face.

There must be some distinguishing characteristic.

All you can see is the right hand...

Wait a sec.

Does that look like a whole finger to you?

No. Whoever took this photo

is missing half an index finger.

And that's who your blackmailer is.

So it's not over?

Not even close.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go meet and greet.

Did I just do a cat thing?

Yeah.

Ugh...

Good morning, Mrs. Erickson.

I just wanted to wish you good luck.

May the best cat win.

You mean my Duke.

Thanks.

Uh, what a nice grooming mitt.

May I see it?

Get your own.

You're the competition.

Haley, I just

wanted to say

it's been really great getting to know you.

I don't touch people.

How goes the investigation?

Not good.

My three prime suspects

are all cleverly concealing their hands.

I know how to fix that.

Mini-quiches.

No one can resist them.

Oh, looks good.

Those aren't for you.

They're for the blackmailer.

Here.

Free quiche!

Help yourselves!

Oh! Don't mind if I do.

Well, maybe just one.

I did skip breakfast.

[ All gasping]

Well, look at that!

I thought I was the only one.

This is amazing.

Shop class?

Farm accident.

I used to keep wolverines.

We should start a support group.

Oh, thanks for the quiche.

It's over, Salem.

The blackmailer has the perfect cover.

Then take me home.

I want to enjoy something pure, like harness racing.

He's not going to get away with this.

Mr. Gordon, I need to talk to you, right away.

I'm about to make the best of show presentation.

It can wait.

Pushy... like a young Diane Sawyer.

What is it?

I know you're being blackmailed.

I saw the photo; I know your secret.

So what do you want?

Second place?

No. Look, don't give in to them... come clean.

You don't have to hide the fact that you're...

Don't say it!

Bald.

Shh!

You have no idea what this means.

It could destroy my career.

How? Aren't honesty and integrity

the most important to a journalist?

Not in this decade.

People like people with hair.

They've done studies.

The public hasn't trusted a bald man since eisenhower.

But they believe in you, and you're not playing fair.

You want to talk about fair?

I wore a toupee to my first frat party.

Don't talk to meabout fair.

Sabrina, I didn't want

to miss Salem's big showdown.

I'm not late, am I?

You didn't miss anything

except confirmation we live in a rotten

crooked, corrupt, stinking world.

Good.

The moment we've all been waiting for has arrived.

What does it take to be a championship cat?

Mrs. Erickson

may I please see Duke?

So that's who the blackmailer is.

Duke is a fine, superb cat.

Note the tail

the bone structure

the excellent tension in the whiskers.

What... what is this?

That cat has whisker extensions!

Those are illegal!

No they're not. I checked the rule book very carefully

and there's nothing wrong with whisker extensions.

Gordon: Absolutely.

If Mrs. Erickson would like

to glue bits of hair onto her animal

to improve its image

she can.

It may seem a little desperate

a little silly

a little vain.

But who are we to...

Oh, dear lord, it's like looking into a mirror.

It's time to come clean.

Our top story tonight is this...

[ Gasps]

He's bald.

None of you saw this.

Stop. It's over.

No, it's just the beginning.

Mr. Gordon thought he needed this to gain people's trust

but trust should not depend

on fake hair.

Trust should depend on real knowledge, integrity

and accurate reporting.

Sabrina, he's on TV news.

Still, we should applaud this man

who stood before us

and bared his naked head.

Thank you.

Big deal!

Now, can we get on with the competition?

Who won best of show?

Duke did. He was already announced the winner.

I take it back.

I'm disqualifying you for attempting

to influence a cat show official.

And that is in the rule book.

You don't understand.

Duke is getting older.

He's not as pretty as he used to be.

Oh, god!

I miss my youth!

Talk about cracking under the pressure.

Enough about people.

Who's the best cat?

The truth makes that decision easy.

This weekend, I have met a rare and extraordinary cat

a cat unlike any other.

Where is Salem saberhagen?

Oh, my god!

Everything's in slow motion.

Now, here is a cat

who is not only attractive but intelligent

and I would like to award it

the first-prize blue ribbon...

Whoa! Whoa!

Wait a minute.

There isanother cat...

The most beautiful little kitty

that I have ever seen.

Where is that blonde cat?

What blonde cat?

Wait a sec.

I know where she is.

What is she doing?

Her cat was about to win.

Don't worry, Harvey.

Sabrina always lands

on her feet.

Pretend I belong to you.

Is this the cat you're looking for?

Why, yes.

What's her name?

Sabrina.

She named her cat Sabrina?

Doesn't that get confusing around the house?

It's a pretty confusing place in general.

I am pleased and proud to announce

and with the utmost integrity

that this blonde cat is best of show grand champion.

Whoo-hoo!

I was so close.

[ Salem crying]

No, Harvey.

She's not for sale.

Are you sure?

She's the sweetest, most beautiful cat

I've ever held.

All set.

What did you do?

I felt bad for Bob Gordon.

So I left a little present in his office.

Let's check out the damage.

Oh...

My!

I look fabulous.

Bobby, baby... Bobby, booby.

I'm Bob Gordon

and this is eyewitness action news center eight.

Salem?

Meow.

Come on, Salem.

Meow, meow.

You have to talk to me sometime.

I've got your chin.

Oh... oh, that feels good.

Wait. I'm still

mad at you.

I can't believe you did that to me.

I said I was sorry. My vanity took over.

But it all worked out fine.

Harvey and I get to go to funland

and I promise to pay off your debt.

I guess the money is all that matters.

No, it's not.

And that's why you should have this.

The blue ribbon?

You deserve it... after all, you are the best cat.

Salem?

Just got a little something

in my eye.

[ Knocking]

Dirk. I was hoping

you'd stop by today.

I brought your mail and some Omaha steaks

I found in the unclaimed mail room.

How thoughtful.

Hey, would you like to come in

for a cup of coffee?

I'd like that.

Wow! It's really happening.

Do you take cream and sugar?

Yes, please.

Hey!

You're reading the magazine I brought you.

Yes and I'm paying the bills you brought me, too.

I'm sorry about those.

Enough shop talk.

See, Zelda, my interest in you

is not purely professional.

You are no mere "occupant" to me.

You're the bright spot on my route.

Can you meet my parents this Sunday?

I think first you should get to know the real me.

I think I know you pretty well.

Here's your coffee.

Thanks.

You a little tired?

I'm exhausted.